Expectations

[asduke]

My wife and I are new to the lifestyle and have entered a Master/slave relationship. We are currently working through the expectations and limitations part of our relationship. For those of you that are Doms/Masters, what were some beginning expectations that you had for your subs/slaves, especially if you were living together? It seems theres a lot to sort through but I was looking for a beginning focal point, or at least a springboard.

[_ID_]

Communication communication communication is the first expectation to tackle. You've said your talking, and thats fantastic. Maintain it! That is one of the single most difficult things to accomplish for those couples who live together. Both in and out of the lifestyle.

What are the hard limitations for each of you would be the first thing to spring board as you put it, then talk about things you aren't against, but nervous or afraid to do.

Google BDSM checklist, and fill it out separately, then together. Talk about what you put down.

Then talk about what dynamics you want in a relationship. You can Google BDSM contracts, but understand they are not a legal binding document. They are more of an agreement from both sides on what you expect from the other.

[Rhabbi]

I agree with ID, the first thing to do is comminicate. Do not expect to make this work at first, take your time, and talk about everyting. What you liked and why, waht she liked and why, what you did not like and why, what she did not like and why.

Talk about everything, until you know each other enough that you do not have to talk.

[gagged_Louise]

While I'm an online slave, I've had reason tio think about this and feel my way, and I agree communicating matters enormously. Don't be afraid to talk about your fntasies, even those fantasies that go far beyond what you might put into reality in the near future.
Try to confront the unease and feeling of kinky shame that almost all have felt when starting down this road - what will other people think? Who can we consider to let in on this? her college buddy? your neighbour? her sister? anyone? Where do we stock things and toys etc?

And do take a look at our wonderful supermod Tessa's thread My journey (under My BDSM life), it has lots of good close-ups and diary entries from Tessa's winding journey to shape her marriage into a more submissive affair

[Ocean_Soul]

Communication is the important starting point as others have said already. Based on what you both learn about each other and yourselves you can start expecting things that are important to you, her, or both of you. That can be your springboard, as you put it.

Start small, talk about that start and work up from there. This especially since you are both new. You don’t have to give her a list of demands right away, unless that’s what you both want.

That's all I can really say about that.

[JayTC]

I have to agree with everyone as far as the communication levels go. Communication should never stop. In the beginning you are discovering a whole new realm of things such as, some that you have heard of, and others that you have never heard of but sort of are inclined at doing. Or sounds interesting.

Now let me tell you, from my point of view. My slave and I have talked about fantasies. Some of her fantasies, and mine have blown each other away. Some are not even possible but sound terribly erotic. There is nothing to say that you can't act out a particular fantasy, but in a different way in order to make it safe and sane, and even possible in a different scenario. Thats where all the communication comes in.

Communicate about everything, from lets say, particular things that either one of you would like to start see happening, then you can even make a pros and cons list of each one. It is a process, but certainly worth doing to make the relationship work. For example, you may want to start a ritual on a daily basis. But, this ritual, lets say having your sub/slave kneeling by the door naked when you are arrive home, but may not be feasible. What you need to do is work around certain things, and make it possible.

That is the worst thing I see in the lifestyle is where couples in a D/s relationship stop communicating things. Things get stale, yes even in BDSM. Re-evaluate your needs, wants, desires, limits, etc. I would say every 6 months to a year, so limits can be worked on, or worked up, (if it is a workable limit, and not a hard limit). OK, I have said too much as usual. Good luck, and please, if you have questions, ask away!

Jay

[jeanne]

In talking about fantasies I have found it helpful to classify them into 3 categories:
1) never will happen, but hot for some reason
2) maybe someday, if circumstances, feelings, etc. lead us there
3) on my list of "things to try", hopefully soon! :)
The fantasies that fall into 1) - I look at the commonalities between them to discover what elements could be brought into our current activities and am finding that extremely helpful in discovering what might work for us today. For example, a common element is the concept of ownership - that he owns me and can command to do and/or take whatever he chooses. We have begun to bring that into our BDSM activities slowly and it has been satisfying for both of us.
The "maybe" list is our opportunity to talk about limits in a non-formalized way which seems to work better for us than sitting down with long checklists (he's just not into that!)
List 3) is just the everyday fodder for our current level of BDSM activity - he or I say "hey, let's try this", the other agrees and off we go. :D

[tessa]

~runs in and hugs Louise~ What a doll you are! So sweet to me. But why ever would you lead that poor man over to my thread? Do you want to see him flop around like a fish out of water??? ~giggles with the pretty one~

jeanne, excellent ideas you have there!!! I'm stealing everyone of them, okay? :)

ID, rhabbi and Ocean Soul, all you said about communication was spot-on! JayTC, you did not say too much. What you said was too perfect!

asduke, I'm not a Dom or Master, but I am the one that brought this to my husband, asking if this type relationship would be possible for us. It hasn't been as uncomplicated as I had imagined. Communication is everything and without it, you'll have nothing. And it needs to be constant. Not overwhelmingly so, but almost. And the living together part, with life intruding into the fun all the damn time, can make for difficulties. Ok, I sound like doom and gloom. I'm just trying to be as candid as possible about how it can be when 24/7 is involved.

Search for balance. And when you find the right fit between two souls, even if there is some hell involved, it can be the most incredible heaven on earth.

All my best-
tessa :wave: