LostOne
01-20-2004, 10:20 PM
Years ago I left the life. Why:
1st Dom was only a show Dom. He never wanted to play unless there was an audience. I wanted more 24/7 so I left.
2nd Dom had a submissive wife who spent months getting to know me to ensure we were compatible. Once she agreed it would work I gave myself to him and she cried and stopped talking to me. Weeks of that and never getting to service him because she would cry, I left.
3rd Dom had a wife who was also dominate and we all spent months getting to know each other. When the time seemed right I went to my knees before them and asked if I could join their family. Together, they explained the rules to me. They had an agreement that each of them could own their own slaves (she already did) and the slaves were to service them in any way they chose with one exception. Intercourse was reserved for them as man and wife and the slaves would never have intercourse from them. I gave myself to him with this understanding. In a matter of weeks he had me in a helpless position and proceeded to have intercourse with me. When I told him I felt I had violated his wife's trust and that I wanted to tell her he told me I was a bad slave if I didn't protect his secret.
Anyway, I left and threw away everything I had that was D/s related. My clothes, toys, liturature, my own writtings, everything. I decided either the lifestyle was a joke or I was and either way I needed to leave.
My point? Being subserviant is who I am and I need it to feel complete. I know, now that I've been away so long, that I would rather have one of those above mentioned relationships and suffer that way then this way. So why not just go out and find it again? It does not exist here. My job moved me last year to a place that's in the middle of nowhere. There isn't even a mall let alone D/s clubs. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I want to die. I went to a councelor and he only made it worse because he thinks the problem is some deep rooted childhood thing and won't believe I had a wonderful childhood and a "normal" person can desire to serve another. I'm sure several of you know the type.
Well, my entire life is falling apart. I can't sleep well (hounded by dreams) I don't eat well, I can't seem to communicate with the "vanilla" people who try to befriend me... I'm lost. I've tried cyber and it just doesn't touch me. I decided to join this group (instead of just peeking in on your conversations and stories like I've been doing for weeks) and see if I could make some friends and join in on the topics. Maybe just being a part of some conversations will help me till I can move from here (in 2006).
So, how about it. Anybody out there want to send some support to a lost one? Anything you want to talk about is fine with me. I just need a little ackowledgment. Or maybe Someone can just tell me to "Snap out of it!!" ;)
Thank you in advance for your time,
Karen
1st Dom was only a show Dom. He never wanted to play unless there was an audience. I wanted more 24/7 so I left.
2nd Dom had a submissive wife who spent months getting to know me to ensure we were compatible. Once she agreed it would work I gave myself to him and she cried and stopped talking to me. Weeks of that and never getting to service him because she would cry, I left.
3rd Dom had a wife who was also dominate and we all spent months getting to know each other. When the time seemed right I went to my knees before them and asked if I could join their family. Together, they explained the rules to me. They had an agreement that each of them could own their own slaves (she already did) and the slaves were to service them in any way they chose with one exception. Intercourse was reserved for them as man and wife and the slaves would never have intercourse from them. I gave myself to him with this understanding. In a matter of weeks he had me in a helpless position and proceeded to have intercourse with me. When I told him I felt I had violated his wife's trust and that I wanted to tell her he told me I was a bad slave if I didn't protect his secret.
Anyway, I left and threw away everything I had that was D/s related. My clothes, toys, liturature, my own writtings, everything. I decided either the lifestyle was a joke or I was and either way I needed to leave.
My point? Being subserviant is who I am and I need it to feel complete. I know, now that I've been away so long, that I would rather have one of those above mentioned relationships and suffer that way then this way. So why not just go out and find it again? It does not exist here. My job moved me last year to a place that's in the middle of nowhere. There isn't even a mall let alone D/s clubs. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I want to die. I went to a councelor and he only made it worse because he thinks the problem is some deep rooted childhood thing and won't believe I had a wonderful childhood and a "normal" person can desire to serve another. I'm sure several of you know the type.
Well, my entire life is falling apart. I can't sleep well (hounded by dreams) I don't eat well, I can't seem to communicate with the "vanilla" people who try to befriend me... I'm lost. I've tried cyber and it just doesn't touch me. I decided to join this group (instead of just peeking in on your conversations and stories like I've been doing for weeks) and see if I could make some friends and join in on the topics. Maybe just being a part of some conversations will help me till I can move from here (in 2006).
So, how about it. Anybody out there want to send some support to a lost one? Anything you want to talk about is fine with me. I just need a little ackowledgment. Or maybe Someone can just tell me to "Snap out of it!!" ;)
Thank you in advance for your time,
Karen