a question for other subs/slaves or anyone for that matter..

[isabeau6]

how can you tell a player from the real thing??? i've been burned so many times now, frankly i'm confused..how do you know who is really a Dominant or not? and who is just pretending? i've read all those websites, including castlerealm.. i get taken advantage of because i'm rather naive and inexperienced regarding this..i only discovered the Dom/sub lifestyle about two years ago..i never knew such a thing existed before...thanks..

isabeau

[Eponine]

Isabeau-

I am sorry you have had some negative experiences. It is so messed up that everyone can't just be for real and direct.

To help answer your question, I would like to ask what exactly happened in that you got burned?

For me, I don't know if it's luck or intuition or both, but I have never met anyone who turned out to be a fake or a sociopath. (they just ended up leaving me, but that's another story! lol).

I just get a sense about people when I'm talking to them, online, then on the phone...

I know I ask _A LOT_ of questions, a lot of difficult questions as well. If I feel someone is backtracking in a story, or tells me one thing than something else another time that sounds like it doesn't mesh- I confront them on it (politely, but directly) and see if their reasons make sense.

I also am very direct myself about who I am- good and bad things. I lay it out up front- my picture, my weight, etc.. So, that may encourage the directness from others as well as scare away those who do not want to be real.

Last note- you do have a great resource right here on this site- I suggest the next time you are talking to someone about possibly meeting, if you have any questions or hesitations, ask someone here. If you have that tiny voice inside you saying, isabeau, this doesn't feel right... LISTEN... and then you can ask someone here about it as well.

I also invite you to ask me anytime if you have any questions like that.

-Ep

[Widget]

Hi there and welcome. You have asked a question that really only has one good answer. Ask a lot of questions from the people you are interacting with. I assume you are looking for a real life relationship.

Just because someone is on a site of this type, or posting a personal does not mean you should nessaraly give them any more trust than meeting any other stranger for the first time.

I would be very wary of someone that is evasive about answers, seems to have to go abruptly during conversations or asks you a lot with not much information in return about themselves. There is no rush to get into anything and someone who is trying to push to claim you as a sub, or meet when you are not comfortable yet is someone to walk away from.

You didn't say how the contact was made from the other individuals, but I am again assuming from some form of personal ad. I suggest you might want to read this,

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5363

and this

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3647

Trust your instincts, trust what you know about people. People online are not any different from meeting strangers in any format. Be aware that YOU are in control of what you reveal and what you choose to accept as true. The beauty of online is that you can ignore, not answer and shut down the line of communication as soon as its out of your comfort zone.

Unfortunately due to the anonymous nature of online interactions it is easy to play around, kids claiming to be *very* experienced doms, married guys looking for a online kick, people who can not for many reasons deal with real people and live on the internet. Just trust yourself, ask all the questions you want.

If you need anything feel free to message me, and good luck!!

[pixie_dust]

Good question. Are you asking about in r/l or o/l?

If you are referring to r/l, my best suggestion would be to observe how this person interact with others. If they seem to have a way about them that shows confidence and they "draw" respect from others, then I would be more likely to believe they are a true Dominant. In that same respect, if they appear to be argumentive with others when expressive themselves or seem to complain a lot about how others "wrong" them, I wouldn't give them another minute of my time.

As far as o/l goes, I really don't know all that much. However, if the person began a conversation with me insisting that I either call him Sir or Master, or started giving me orders, I would definately be very hesitant to believe they are a true Dominant.

Sorry I can't be of more help. Best of luck to you in your search, and Welcome!!

[jeanne]

how can you tell a player from the real thing???

isabeau

This is such a good question and one that is of utmost importance when new to this life (I am too). Rather that looking for someone to play with or a relationship, I am part of this community to learn (and hopefully make some friends like me). But, I too want to learn from those who really know what they're talking about and are real in their dominance or submission, rather than just playing at it or pretending. Here's what I've been doing:
o/l -
I try to read all the posts - I know, almost impossible! - and have found those who I believe and those I don't. There are many people on this site who I have never chatted with, whose posts I have never responded to, but I respect them and their knowledge and their dominance or submission and look forward to reading their posts. I feel like they are people that, if I had a question or concern and asked for their advice, they would give me their best answer, based on real life/experience. Then, like in any community, there are those who I would never rely on for information/advice. They just don't come across, over a period of time, as real.
r/l -
I've begun to participate in a very limited way with my local BDSM community - munch attendance, submissives' get-togethers - and find that just watching people tells me a lot. Are they comfortable in their skin? Are they open and friendly? Do they pay attention to the one they are interacting with or are their eyes and body language wandering all over the place? Particularly in a dominant, it seems important to know that they pay attention to what's going on right in front of them. I'd certainly hate to be whipped by someone who is thinking about his taxes, children, the submissive he met last night...rather than me and only me.

Of course, the standard advice (and most valuable) is ask! If you are thinking about playing with someone, ask others about them. Then ask some more people! You truly can never have too much information in this situation.

Much luck in your search - I hope you find the dominant of your dreams (or nightmares, as the case may be) :wave:

[isabeau6]

thank you all so much for those informative and well thought out answers...i got burned well...i'm a very trusting, open individual who is honest as well..and i've always been up front about the fact that i'm married..my last Master was online as well as real..i met him last fall..i won't go into details much, except that i had fallen for him and believed him when he said he loved me also..we had spent hours on the phone previously for months, and i felt i knew him very well...we played..however we didn't have actual sex, or intercourse, as i felt i couldn't cheat on my husband..well....he had told me that he was separated from his wife..had been for a few years etc..i found out recently that he was indeed not separated but married to her still...and when he came up to meet with me, he was married..i was in shock..i know that my being married means i can't really throw stones..but this guy knew every detail of my marriage..i never lied about that to him...so if he lied about that..from the beginning of our relationship so to speak...what can i believe of him now? he told me that because he got attached to me he didn't want to tell me that he was married, he didn't want to ruin what was developing between us..that's one Master...

the other Master i'll leave for another post..i'm rather long winded..and as you can tell...i am extremely open..maybe too much so..

isabeau

[tessa]

Hi, isabeau6. Welcome to our community. :)

It is indeed tragic when people lie. Especially when the lie is wrapped up into something we hold so close and dear.

So what does one do? Choose to believe in everyone or choose to believe in no one. Both are extremes and both won't serve you very well.

Widget up there gave some great links for you to go through and all the members who have posted for you here have given you excellent advice. And even though we don't know you very well, I hope you can tell we genuinely care.

It may take years (I know, that sucks), but finding the very right person can make the world shift in the right direction. In my opinion, it's best to take the time up front rather than suffer the heartache after.

All the best to you!

tessa :wave:

[isabeau6]

Hi, isabeau6. Welcome to our community. :)

It is indeed tragic when people lie. Especially when the lie is wrapped up into something we hold so close and dear.

So what does one do? Choose to believe in everyone or choose to believe in no one. Both are extremes and both won't serve you very well.

Widget up there gave some great links for you to go through and all the members who have posted for you here have given you excellent advice. And even though we don't know you very well, I hope you can tell we genuinely care.

It may take years (I know, that sucks), but finding the very right person can make the world shift in the right direction. In my opinion, it's best to take the time up front rather than suffer the heartache after.

All the best to you!

tessa :wave:

thank you for the welcome and for the advice...yes Widget's links are very helpful...i appreciate this..and wow i do believe you all care...sighs..i know i'm rather a sucker..i tend to believe everything...and it's like how do i know they aren't just saying what i wish to hear?

isabeau xoxo

[tessa]

isabeau6, I have two quotes for you (geeky, I know, but I am a quote whore).

First one by Oliver Wendell Holmes: "What is truth is what I can't help but believe."

Next one by Henry David Thoreau: "It takes two to speak the truth- one to speak and another to hear."

Ok, tessa, what the hell good does that do me? I'm glad you asked. :)

Be your own best friend. Don't rely on others to make you feel good about yourself. If you do that, you will believe anything you hear. And since you know that not everyone has your best interests at heart, only you can protect yourself. Once you are true to yourself, no one will be able to lie their way through you.

~hugs~
tessa :wave:

[isabeau6]

isabeau6, I have two quotes for you (geeky, I know, but I am a quote whore).

First one by Oliver Wendell Holmes: "What is truth is what I can't help but believe."

Next one by Henry David Thoreau: "It takes two to speak the truth- one to speak and another to hear."

Ok, tessa, what the hell good does that do me? I'm glad you asked. :)

Be your own best friend. Don't rely on others to make you feel good about yourself. If you do that, you will believe anything you hear. And since you know that not everyone has your best interests at heart, only you can protect yourself. Once you are true to yourself, no one will be able to lie their way through you.

~hugs~
tessa :wave:


thanks tessa...that makes absolute sense to me..i don't exactly or didn't exactly feel good about myself..and of course i know others don't have my best interests at heart...

thanks you are sweet and funny also hehe..

isabeau

[Rhabbi]

This is always a tough question to answer, even in real life. A good player can fool almost everybody, but lie PT Barnum once said, "You can't fool alll of the people alll of the time." My best advice is to bring in your friends. If they do not like him, or he does not want you around them, avoid him. that is the one acid test I would rely on. Your friends could be wrong about him, but if they all feel the same way, watch out. And even if only one of them thinks you are wrong, find out if they are right.

[isabeau6]

This is always a tough question to answer, even in real life. A good player can fool almost everybody, but lie PT Barnum once said, "You can't fool alll of the people alll of the time." My best advice is to bring in your friends. If they do not like him, or he does not want you around them, avoid him. that is the one acid test I would rely on. Your friends could be wrong about him, but if they all feel the same way, watch out. And even if only one of them thinks you are wrong, find out if they are right.

every single friend of mine did not like him...and tried to warn me against him..however i thought i knew him best..i talked to him every day on the phone, not they..he had this bullying presence online..but not with me usually..i did have a few friends who liked him..but i wonder now if they just liked me and wanted me to be happy...thank you for that advice...i'm thinking i should be gullible..not isabeau...

isabeau

[gagged_Louise]

If we're talking people who approach you online, I think puffed-up overconfidence and a wish to have "all at once" is, often, a sure sign that the Dominant is not very experienced. Good Doms know that you have to get to know the one you want for a sub , and they also realize that it takes a lot to be a sub or slave: you can't just, as a Dom/me expect to win them over by pulling all the stops and harshly commanding the sub to be acting like Traci Lords before you even know him/her. Taking on the part of a sub or slave is a tough choice, and a brave one: it merits respect even when you fail, even at the moment you're being punished, and good and experienced Doms know this.

- and yes, some of this also applies when meeting real-life Dominants, but I think that kind of bullying "stone tough" approach is less common with a Dom who tries to woo a new sub at a club or the like.

[isabeau6]

If we're talking people who aproach you online, I think puffed-up overconfidence and a wish to have "all at once" is, often, a sure sign that the Dominant is not very experienced. Good Doms know that you have to get to know the one you want for a sub , and they also realize that it takes a lot to be a sub or slave: you can't just, as a Dom/me expect to win them over by pulling all te stops and hrshly commanding the sub to be acting like Traci Lords before you even know him/her. Taking on the part of a sub or slave is a tough choice, and a brave one: it merits respect even when you fail, even at the moment you're being punished, and good and experienced Doms know this.

- and yes, some of this also applies when meeting real-life Dominants, but I think that kind of bullying "stone tough" approach is less common with a Dom who tries to woo a new sub at a club or the like.

thanks....the puffed up confidence could also be a front for insecurity down deep inside..and i don't wish to have a Dom who is insecure about themselves..

isabeau