Feedback requested

[RiverOtter]

This is just a rough draft.

Mostly, I am wondering if this setting has potential and if anyone thinks it's worth pursuing (I'll write it anyway, but if everyone thinks it sucks I won't waste their time with a post).

Anyone kind enough to offer sincere feedback would be greatly appreciated. Insults not so much, but I won't take it personally :P

[TG]

Hi RiverOtter,
Not realy a criticism: In 1st paragraph, isn't the metal device already in production, and avaible to hiker. It sounds like a device used by skiers for use in avalances. Should the reference be updated.
I took Latin in H.S. and couldn't remember enough to make out the dialog, and it bothered me to miss out on what was happening story. Does it add to the dramtic affect of the story to have so much Latin?
On page 7 I loved the girls long, rambling monolog. It had me laughing 1/2 way through. Someplace between the 380th.-420th. thing Hailey said, I fell in love with her.
Julie's resentment of her slave status stired my curiousity about future plot developments. The two sisters seemed the most interesting characters, and I wanted to find out what actions flowed from Julie's resentment. And I wanted to find out the personality of the girl underneath the rambling because she was so endearing.
At the moment I found Marcus cardboard, but I suspect the character may be more fully develooped later. What I mean by cardboard is typical muscle bound hero. I'd like to see some things uniquely individual about him. I've read 813 fight scenes like that.
The manner in which Horatio's summons to Rome was introduced into the story didn't evoke enough drama to interest me. I was left feeling disinterested in his fate.
Overall, I found it interesting. If I had picked the book up at the library and read the 1st. chapter, I would have continued reading to find out the fate of the 2 slave girls. Not for lurid reasons, but because they sounded like interesting people caught in slightly conflictual situations. I wish them well.
And the story for that matter.
I hope that's of some use to you because I have no credible authority to critize anybody. I restrict my criticism to simply: I like; I don't like on a personal basis. Wish I could have been more substantive for you.
Good luck. TG

[RiverOtter]

Yay! Feedback!

Thank you; I pretty much agree with your points. The idea of throwing in Latin phrases was to give it a certain classical flavor; the reader doesn't need to understand what they mean. I'm re-writing it so hopefully it will be better.

[TG]

That a boy, give it Hell!
I really like the 2 girls, and I'd like to find out what happens to them. Julie's resentment of enforced lesbianism is unique, and I don't remember ever hearing anyone discuss it before. Kind of interesting. I'm really curious about how someone might solve that problem
Oh, PS. I'm just an amateur like you and trying to muddle through this as best I can, so you have a good reason to ignor anything I say.
I just finished a fight sequence for a Femdomer I'm working on right now. You can look at it and think it's crap, but for what it's worth, I'll tell you want I did, and you can judge for yourself if it's worth anything.
First, I have an exotic setting, with exotic characters, doing exotic things, so that helps. Your's is harder.
Second, I tried to add individualized things to the characters to round out the characters personalities, and the setting.
Three, I tried to write things I hadn't heard before to make the fight scene unique
I hope that makes your muddling around here easier. Chapter with the fight scene below. TG
PPS. First draft.

She rode out for the hunt afraid of the wood, not because they freightened her, but because they confounded her. She didn't know how to read them, or how she would find the Aquitani. Freightened grouse, deer, badgers, that ran at her approach frieghtened her more than it did them, making her think they were Aquitani laying in wait for her. She remained calm enough to remember how the animals acted, so she could use them as sentinels if ever an Aquitani scared them while they crept up on her.
Around 11 the gods gave her a miracle. She saw wisps of smoke from the next valley. Her heart pounding, her stomach in a knot, she turned the horse toward the smoke.
With the "tunnel vision" that all those in combat experience, she focused in each small sound and movement with the amplified senses provided by adeline pumping through her blood. She scanned the openings between trees for the silotte of an arm, a leg, a shield, a head, while she cursed all the noise her horse made. Staight branches made her think of bows and spears held by Aquitani hiding behind the tree. Any moment she feared a sentury would pop out and shoot an arrow through her body. Her skin tingled in dread of an arrow ripping through the flesh of her back.
Only a quarter of the way down the slope she heard the sound of men's voices. She dismounted, and lead the oh so noisy horse back 200 yrds up the slope, and tethered him behind bushes. As Milesus had shown her, she scattered oats across the ground to occupy the horse so he wouldn't whinny if he heard other horses nearby. Then bow in hand she stole forward, watching left and right for sentaries.
The arrogant fools had not imagined they would become the prey, and had not posted guards, but talked loudly among themselves. The tress were so thick, they obscured much of the scene and she could not tell how many there were, but it was certainly more than 5. They were having lunch around a fire, bowls in their hands, some sitting, some standing. To her left she could see a picket line of 12 horse before the picket line dissappeared behind bushes. One horse wasn't picketed, but had a feed bag on, his halter rope attached to a medium stone on the ground. Twelve horses didn't mean 12 men; some could be pack horses.
She returned to her horse, mounted, checked her equipment, closed her eyes and exhaled deeply to let her heart calm down a little; and then went forward, leaning low down on her mount. She worked the bit a little left and right to annoy the horse, to prevent him from paying attention to the nearby pickets and willoning to them.
She remember what Rufus said, the point wasn't to exchange her life for 1 or 2 of them, but to whittle them down man at a time. She would have to exercise will power to ignor the temptation to stay around to get 1 more shot in.
She only went down the minimum she had to: when she could see 1 man's back. Slipping 2 arrows from the quiver, she slid 1 beneath her leg for a second shot, and notched the other. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply for a few moments, to calm her pulse down.
So as not to cause any sudden movement that would attact attention, she oh so slowly sat erect and drew the bow. She let fly into the middle of the man's back, and without watching what happened, she turned to the picketed horses and notched her second arrow.
It flew into the chest of the middle horse. It reared, gave a blood cuddling scream, and lunged forward, snapping the picket line and pulling all the other horse along behind it. It would run 400 yds. before crashing into the ground dead. In running, many sections of picket rope snapped as 1200lb. horses ran between trees which snagged the rope between 2 horses
A man jumped up from the ground, who she hadn't seen, by the horse with the feed bag. She saw him lunge for the halter rope as the horse shied away, but she didn't stay to watch. She kicked her horse, whipped it's flack with her bow, and screamed, "HHaaaa."
At the top of the ridge she could hear hoof beats pounding behind her. She turned and went straight down the ridge top, kicking the horse the whole way, but letting him horse have his head. The ridge ended in a meadow, and she turned to race down it's length. Near the end of the meadow she looked over her shoulder to see an Aquitani emerge from the woods 1/2 mile behind her. Only out to feed his horse, he had only a sword on him.
Leaning back, she threw her weight against the reins, pulling the horse up in a straight legged stop. Jerking the horse around, she kicked the horse back down the meadow toward the Aquitani. She grabbed the bola from the pouch behind her, raised her arm, and swung it round as she raced toward the man. Runnig straight on each other, he was going to have a easy strike to cut her in two. She loosed the bola not at the man, but downward are the horses legs. It wrapped around the animals legs, crashing the horse to the ground and vaulting the man over the horses head. Her horse ran on beyond the fallen man.
She wheeled again, slid the lance from out the saddle, and charged. The man scrambled to his feet and braced for the attack. Remember Milesus told her the tip of the lance moves slow relative to the arm, and it was easily blocked by any competent swordsman, she aimed directly at his chest. He saw the lances line of travel and prepared to defect it to his side. At the last possible moment, she dipped the lance downward, driving it through his foot and into the ground. He lunged to strike her, but his pinned foot brought him down. He jumped to his knee, and pulled the lance from out his foot, and turned to face her.
She knew the other Aquitani would have run to catch their horses, and as soon as they were caught, they would chase after her. She knew they were racing down the mountain behind her at this very moment and her life hung on seconds. She did something very desperate. Everything hung on her timing compared to his. She ran straight at him, knife in hand. Judging the timing as best her instincts allowed, at the last moment, she stiff legs her right foot to a stop. It wouldn't work of course. Her momentum would carry her forward, and she would let it, but it would delay her a moment. He watched her run at him, and anticipated the instant she would cross before his swords reach. He judged the instant to swing, and let go. He had committed to his swing! The momentum of his swing carried the sword harmelessly across inches in front of her, as she paused an instant before him. Her arm shot forward, her momentum carried her forward, and his throat was cut on the left side.
Without look backing, she turned and ran for her life back toward her horse, expecting the Aquitani to burst into the clearing and find her afoot in the meadow. If the horse spooked at the woman running at him, she was dead. The last 75' she slowed to a walk and cried silently to the horse, "Please don't run. Please don't run." The last 5' when it was too late for the horse to escape, she lunged for the reins, and spung up on his back.
She just sat there. She was safe and would live. She slumped in the saddle exhausted and breathed deep. They could barrel out of the woods now, and she could still escape on her horse. She stood still, letting her horse recover.
A minute later she heard hoof beats coming. She drew up the reins, pulling up the horses head and turned to face down the meadow. Three Aquitani bust into the clearing. She raised her arm over her head, shouted, "HHaaaaa," at them, wheeled and galloped down toward the valley, depending upon her horse's superiority to out run them. When they got to the farmland below, they saw her pulling away from them, half way toward one of the villas.

[RiverOtter]

The scene you've laid out vaguely reminds me of Robert E. Howard's "Conan" stories; I think it's a good mileu for a bdsm or torture story. It's a pretty decent action scene; very detailed. I personally wouldn't devote that much space to such a sequence in an erotic story, but if it'swhat you enjoy writing about go ahead. My only real advice would be to just go over it again and tighten up the sentences. You could probably cut it down a bit, but then again it's better to show that the main character can fight rather than just say, "No one could beat her in battle." That way it's easier to take her seriously when she starts torturing people.

For some reason I really like the stories here that take place in alternate, fictional settings, whether historical or not. It just gives you more freedom to write about situations that wouldn't arise in everyday life (real slavery, for example).

I've rewritten the beginning of the above story of mine twice now and am starting to get on with it. Rome in the future is like a cross between "Dune" and "The Godfather," apparently. Kinda interesting. I totally agree about fleshing out the characters and making them individuals; that's why I had one sub in my story be happy-go-lucky and the other kind of rebellious.