View Full Version : My journey through the darkness
I wrote this just to get it off my chest. Feel free to comment, but don't feel compelled to.
Happy, feeling the light and warmth from your gaze. Close to you, body, mind, and soul at peace. Safe in your arms, all else forgotten. I look at you, thankful to be near you. You look back, your gaze welcoming at first, forcing me to trust you. Then, you hurl me into the darkness, forcing me from your arms. I reach out for you, seeking you in the darkness, calling your name, my voice echoing in the emptiness. Desperately I search, feeling my way in the darkness. Where did you go? Calling your name, crying out for your light and warmth to come back to me. Again my voice echoes in the darkness, the true weight of my solitude hitting me fast, knocking me from my feet, leaving me winded, lying on the floor. As the darkness closes around me a new feeling rises up from deep within me….anger. Why would you leave me? Why do you flee from my side? What had I done? Why was I unable to keep you with me? Silently I struggle in the darkness, trying to resist as the anger spreads through my veins like poison, burning inside me. I curse you, silently first, then out loud, letting it burst forth from me, screaming out at you, all my energy focused on the expulsion of that one outburst. I lay exhausted, unable to move, barely able to think, just wanting you, to hear your voice once more. Slowly my clarity returns, forcing me to once again acknowledge the darkness, the poison still flowing freely through me. Had you really left me in the darkness? Was that why I felt as if I would explode in fury? My mind fights, forcing the real reason to the front. I placed myself in the darkness. You made me long to be with you, and at the first sign of your retreat I felt lost. Your words hurt, but not how I thought they would. Your words showed me my own inability. Why could I not help you? Why did it seem that all my problems disappeared with one word from you, and yet yours remained no matter how hard I tried to fight them for you? My fists clench, my eyes close, holding back the scream. Slowly I breathe, forcing the poison to leave me, slowly bringing myself back to peace, back to center, back to you. As the last of it leaves, my eyes open and I feel me care for you filling me, lifting me from the floor, pulling me from the darkness, revealing the light once more. You threw me into the darkness but I refuse to stay there, refuse to be kept from you, refuse to let you hold me back any longer. And so, quietly and calmly I wait for you to bring the warmth back into the light. Quietly and calmly I wait for you.
tessa
06-19-2007, 08:01 AM
Why did it seem that all my problems disappeared with one word from you, and yet yours remained no matter how hard I tried to fight them for you?
~speaking softly and from experience~ Help her learn how to fight them for herself. ~sad smile~
All my best to you as you wait.
tessa
Rhabbi
06-19-2007, 08:36 AM
Wow.
This is so sad, yet so strong. The eternal conflict of the Dom/me, how to impart to Our subs the feeling of security they give us.
~speaking softly and from experience~ Help her learn how to fight them for herself. ~sad smile~
~slowly nods~ Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I truely appreciate your experience and advice. Thank you again.
Myst
Wow.
This is so sad, yet so strong. The eternal conflict of the Dom/me, how to impart to Our subs the feeling of security they give us.
Thanks for the compliment, but it wasn't about a sub, it was about a friend. :) I wrote this not as a Domme, but as a person, a friend, a supporter. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.
Mysterious Fun,
Thanks for sharing this. It is beautifully sad. The way you begin w/ a snapshot of the happiness and contentment and then it all spirals......it reminds me of something I've experienced in my own life and I feel your pain.
Mysterious Fun,
Thanks for sharing this. It is beautifully sad. The way you begin w/ a snapshot of the happiness and contentment and then it all spirals......it reminds me of something I've experienced in my own life and I feel your pain.
midi,
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I hope that your own experiences worked out for you in the end.
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I hope that your own experiences worked out for you in the end.
Thank you Mysterious Fun. They did and the good news is that those experiences made me grow and I ultimately became stronger in the end.
I hope the same for you.
Rhabbi
06-19-2007, 11:46 AM
Thanks for the compliment, but it wasn't about a sub, it was about a friend. :) I wrote this not as a Domme, but as a person, a friend, a supporter. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.
I know, but they are inseperable to me, and will be to you at some point.
Thank you Mysterious Fun. They did and the good news is that those experiences made me grow and I ultimately became stronger in the end.
I hope the same for you.
Thank you. I'm glad your own worked out well. And so far it looks as if mine will too. :)
Just something else I needed to get out. Read if you want, don't feel like you have to. Just know that it's in no way related to bdsm in any form, just about life.
Failure
Why in life when things are going so well, do I feel the need to do something stupid? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, failure creeps into my life? Why is it that every time I fail, I am not the one who feels the effects, but another? How is it fair that my own faults and inadequacies injure those I should be helping?
Anguish
In darkness I sit, staring at the wall, mind racing. Tears running silently down my cheeks, accepting the pain, knowing I deserve it all. Wave after wave, the anguish runs through me, threatening to tear me apart. Who am I? Why is it that everyone else sees the line, the line you can’t cross, the line that keeps you safe? Why is it that I leap over it without a thought, without hesitation? How do I go on? Where do I even begin to make this right?
Disgust
Life brings us challenges to make us better, stronger. I can only hope that I am strong enough to face my error. The disgust I feel at myself and my actions is overwhelming. Is any way I’ll ever be able to forgive myself?
Hi MysteriousFun,
There is just so much here, it can't be commented on in whole. This is a life time of understanding to be gain slow year after slow year. You want the wisdom of a life time, but must live your life as it is today.
"Why in life when things are going so well, do I feel the need to do something stupid? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, failure creeps into my life? Why is it that every time I fail, I am not the one who feels the effects, but another? How is it fair that my own faults and inadequacies injure those I should be helping?"
That's such a bitch. You feel the guilt, the pain over having hurt someone you care for. I'm guessing the answer may lie in us being forced to love other human beings, all fallible, and imperfect, all condemned to error. You must love them imperfectly, and hurt them; and they must love you imperfectly and hurt you. And the question becomes how do you love someone who is not perfect, who hurts others, who has been wounded.
How do you love another human being. Because it is an issues blended of right and wrong. I think you must love them with tolerance and forgiveness and compassion and courage; and they must love you that way.
For that is the challenge: to love a human being is to love someone who is not perfect, and your love for them will be imperfect. What you have asked is "How do you love." And I think the trick to doing that is to remember which priority is the greatest: the pain or the love. And which reality deserves your attention, the dream or the real person.
"In darkness I sit, staring at the wall, mind racing. Tears running silently down my cheeks, accepting the pain, knowing I deserve it all. Wave after wave, the anguish runs through me, threatening to tear me apart. Who am I? Why is it that everyone else sees the line, the line you can’t cross, the line that keeps you safe? Why is it that I leap over it without a thought, without hesitation? How do I go on? Where do I even begin to make this right?" This is not true.
The only way to avoid pain is not to feel; the only way to avoid pain is to close off love. And the more you do that successfully, paradoxically, the less it works, for the lack of love creates it own pain.
Other people do not see the line. It is only an optical illusion of distance and facade that they appear painless. The truth is that none of us see the line because there is no line. The two are intertwined, like the ying and yang symbol. You go on with courage. The first step in making things right is any step you can take. Here, the intent of the heart guides rather than the knowledge of the mind.
The disgust you mentioned in the last paragraph is not true, but I am not going into that here. But learn to forgive yourself you must. Because when you learn to forgive yourself, you will learn to forgive others. And since we are dealing with human beings, that is an ability that comes in handy very often.
A way to start to forgive yourself may be to remember who you are, a human being. Who did not come with an "Instruction Manual." Who did not receive perfect training in how to live life. Who must learn by trail and error. Who must realize we are all in the same boat.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment TG :)
Rhabbi
08-03-2007, 03:01 PM
My apologies that I missed the second part of your comments here Myst.
Failure
Why in life when things are going so well, do I feel the need to do something stupid? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, failure creeps into my life? Why is it that every time I fail, I am not the one who feels the effects, but another? How is it fair that my own faults and inadequacies injure those I should be helping?
Tough one. I think we all go through this, our internal desire to succeed verses our desire not to take risks. I try to measure my success not by money or power, I measure it by the poele i respect. And wether they respect me.
Anguish
In darkness I sit, staring at the wall, mind racing. Tears running silently down my cheeks, accepting the pain, knowing I deserve it all. Wave after wave, the anguish runs through me, threatening to tear me apart. Who am I? Why is it that everyone else sees the line, the line you can’t cross, the line that keeps you safe? Why is it that I leap over it without a thought, without hesitation? How do I go on? Where do I even begin to make this right?
Who says you deserve the pain?
I know some of the story behind this, and want you to know that I do not think you deserve anything but happiness. The pursuit of happiness is an inaliable right, just read the Decalration of Independance.
This does not mean we will find it, but you certainly deserve to pursue it as much as the next person.
Disgust
Life brings us challenges to make us better, stronger. I can only hope that I am strong enough to face my error. The disgust I feel at myself and my actions is overwhelming. Is any way I’ll ever be able to forgive myself?
My opinion, if it is worth anything to you, is that you will be one strong person once you become who you are meant to be. We all make mistakes, and facing them is the hardest thing for some people to do. You can at least admit them, so facing them should be easy for you.
*smiles* no problem Rhabbi. Thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment. :)
John56{vg}
08-08-2007, 01:20 PM
My dear young beauty.
I fight with this one still at 50. But one thing you must realize youa re human. human beings make mistakes in life.
What makes you a special human being is that you feel so strongly about hte mistakes you make. You can learn from them, a lot of people don't or don't care to.
JUst don't take so much of the anguish on yourself. as Rhabbi said you deserve happiness. You ARE a beautiful young woman, inside and out. You ARE a good person who cares deeply about people (even when you make those mistakes).
My advice, for what it is worth, is to live and lewarn and pursue that happiness. By pursuing it and acheiving the sometimes fleeting happiness you will share it with others and you will (and do already) enrich other lives with your own shining light.
Youa re a wonder young one, you are.
Thank you John for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it :) *hugs and kisses*
craven
07-04-2008, 04:25 PM
Thanks for sharing this with us Myst, I could almost taste and feel what you were portraying, very very powerful and vivid, honored to have shared it with you, big up from Craven
thrall
07-12-2008, 03:22 PM
thank you for sharing
caligirl{Rob}
07-18-2008, 09:22 PM
Hugs the oh so sexy One oh so tight...so happy to see how very much You have grown in this past year...I see a bright future for You...which You deserve immensely!
big sloppy hugs!
cali...wiggles at Ya