Need some help here

[briansmine]

I don't post much. It's been quite some time, anyway.

DH and I have been moving towards a more 24/7, out of the bedroom lifestyle. It's tough. It's not easy in the slightest. But it has great rewards too.

We're struggling though with something. When he's very "down", he makes lots of suggestions, pushes for more extreme activities, performs for me, and as he puts it "wiggles like a worm for me".

He calls it "bait". I call it a "gift". He feels I am "not making it ok" and whenever he comes back "up", he questions everything, his motivation, my motivation, even my love for him.

Thing is, I don't really know what will make it "ok". I know that the glee, the torturing of the fly feeling, the inner giggly power trip I get hurts him. But I don't know how to turn that off.

If I could figure this out, how to make it "ok" without making him feel laughed at, we'll really be on our way.

Thing is, I don't really feel I'm laughing AT him, just laughing with the sheer joy that he's mine.

He feels laughed AT.

And trying to fix that sucks.

EAB

[Rhabbi]

I can actually relate to that, though I have not had that problem in BDSM yet. There are some things that just make me laugh from sheer joy, and I cna see some people finding it offensive if one of those things is the way they act.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to him. Try to explain to him how laughter is sometimes not becaauise something is funny, but just because you are happy. Beyond happy. Estatic with joy.

Try to find something that makes him feel that way. Ask him what it might be. Help him experience the same joy you do. When he sees that laughter is a normal response to joy he will see that he is not being laughed at. This might take some time, and be a lot of work, but I am sure you can see that it will be worth the effort.

[Ocean_Soul]

Sitting down with him and talking is a very big thing, but that’s already been mentioned. I think you also need to treat the problem in the scene not just out of it. Now I don’t know how you play but you laughing is maybe somehow being received as something negative on his end. Hearing people laughing and hearing people laughing after you have tripped over a minuscule crack on the sidewalk are two different things. Perhaps he views something about himself as worthy of ridicule or maybe he’s just self-conscious about it and automatically thinks you’re laughing at that. Think of some small ways you can package that laughter so it’s taken in the spirit it’s intended. “hehe you’re such a cutie” or gentle caresses of fondness while you laugh for a couple examples. Or at least do it in such a way so he won’t take it as something directly related to whatever is bothering him (for example, saying “You’re such a sorry excuse for a man!” while you laugh might be a bad thing). It might not be completely natural but it will help build that trust. Trust that the laughter is indeed why you say it is and not a bad thing at all.

[Sir_Russell]

Unsure if you mean that as he is with you in the Dom role that his actions such as spanking or tasks is making you laugh with the joy or it or that when he suggest thing to do you laugh with joy of it.

I would say that the former might get you hurt if you were mine, so suggest a gag - a long cock gag will stop the laugh and might increase the joy. The latter can be helped by telling him "oh my god YES NOW PLEASE"

[vistana]

Unsure if you mean that as he is with you in the Dom role that his actions such as spanking or tasks is making you laugh with the joy or it or that when he suggest thing to do you laugh with joy of it.

I would say that the former might get you hurt if you were mine, so suggest a gag - a long cock gag will stop the laugh and might increase the joy. The latter can be helped by telling him "oh my god YES NOW PLEASE"

psst...I'm pretty certain from past posts that she's the top. :)

[Sir_Russell]

Thanks for the tip vistana, so let me take my foot out of my mouth.

morgan too gets upset when she thinks that I am laughing at her. I too am laughing with the joy of her and my ownership. I tell her that it is from joy that I laugh but that doesn't seem to help her much.

I have taken to telling her she is wonderful and my treasure when she reacts to my laughs, that seems to have helped.

[briansmine]

thanks, guys.

This discussion has morphed into a responsiblity discussion. Who's responsible and how to make things "ok". It's an important discussion we need to have if we're going to unlock the key to the castle here, but right now we're on two sides of a rift.

I have a tendency to be very stubborn when I make a stand. I'm trying to step back and be fair in this.

But I have a question about who's responsible for what we do.

He maintains that whatever I want is ok by him and that his feelings don't matter if I really want something. That for me to be in my position of top, he needs to be in the position of worm. That not only can I enjoy beating the crap out of him and using him as my toilet(or whatever), I have to feel he DESERVES it for being lesser than me.

Therefore in his mind I take responsibility for ALL of our actions and he's just the helpless victim.

I maintain that I don't want a worm for a husband. I want a chosen one that can meet my tests, tasks and needs. That if he's adamantly opposed to being my toilet today, I have confidence that he'll be my toilet tomorrow. That there's other ways of making me happy since he's the reason I'm enjoying what I'm doing to him, not what I'm doing to him makes me enjoy him.

And I'm using toilet games here as an example of something extremely degrading that I enjoy doing to him.

Apparently we've tripped into a fundamental flaw in the basis of our lifestyle. I see him as a hero at my whim doing my bidding. He wants to be seen as a pig forced to do terrible things.

In his mind, I keep giving him a choice to do these things by not being totally committed to a scene. I'm not taking responsibility for him by changing tactics or compromising.

I see it as biding my time, as choosing my battles, but maybe it's taking the easy way out. Thing is resistance annoys me. I tend to punish resistance with ignoring him or dropping him, and to him that feels like I gave up on him...

Thanks for listening as I try to sort this out.

EAB

[briansmine]

Just a little update that we're getting there. Still not perfection/bliss, but closer to the same page.

being 24/7 or close to it is hard. Anyone working on this, but not necessarily there yet? I'd love to compare notes.

EAB

[Sir_Russell]

morgan and I are working on it but as you have learned it is very hard. There is business, sickness, family, events and just plain tuckered out.

[cadence]

I thought I would share my relationship scenario, albeit I am unsure if it is the same as yours is.
We share the same situation, but only on a different level.

In my opinion we live a D/s relationship, but without any kinky play.

I would like to bring out more of his controlling Dom side, but he is hesitant to do so.
It is there but it needs to be brought out slowly.

I know that he has a tendency to be more assertive, in control, but yet our communication inhibits all things that I want, in order to move forward.

Communication is a completely separate and difficult thing for us to work on. We want to move forward but we both are at an impasse, and really don't know where to start to move forward.

Things can get complicated as we have been together for 19 yrs and have accepted everything as it is without any thought to it.

I try to bring small things up into casual conversations and let it go from there. It is an extremely slow process but hopefully it
will payoff with good results.
As long as I can convey to him that this is what I enjoy with or without words, we find ourselves moving forward in small and positive steps.