Getting back at Mean Dean

[H Dean]

Some of the best things that I have learned about writing have come from abusing the writings of others. Yes, reviewing stories has helped my writing...or so I think. But that could just be my ego talking. It talks a lot and it is always right.

At any rate, I figured that it might be fun for you all to critisize a piece of my work; to tear it apart like I do your work. Don't hesitate to be rough, you won't hurt my feelings and I think it may improve your skills to properly tear something apart. Also, since this is a first draft (written today and spell checked once) there must be some big time problems with it. I am sure Muse will find a laundry list of punctuation errors.

Who knows, I may learn something from your comments too. So, without further adieu, here it is...



The O’Connell Chronicles: The Dinner Party


Chapter 1


Francis directed his guests into his study, introducing them to his artwork. All were properly impressed and filled with questions as to how this magnificence was achieved.

"Are they all real?" a voice asked.

"Of course. I've a friend who…he is the...um...director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,” he told them. “I have another piece in the works, as a matter of fact."

His guests milled around first one piece and then another, touching the objects and mumbling to their comrades.

A tall woman of an older generation stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling she bent down and peered into the nymphs closed eyes and whispered something. The eyes opened, startling the woman.

"So hideous," she whispered. "Francis, I'm curious, how do you...well, how does she eat or..."

Francis smiled as he strode towards the older woman. "As you can see, one satyr has his cock in her mouth and the other in her ass. I won't go into all the plumbing, but there is a small machine that pumps food into her stomach and another that cleans her out."

"I must have one!" she exclaimed.

"Perhaps that can be arranged, Beatrice," Francis said, a broad grin of satisfaction on his face.

"How did you manage this one?" asked a tall, dark haired man.

"Ah, this one...my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to the man. "I had to have this adjusted somewhat. The spider webbing originally fed into her fingers, but that proved to be a bit problematic. They feed into through the back of her hand now. I'm rather partial to the change: It allows her fingers to move now."

“It’s quite exquisite,” the man replied.

“Thank you. I wanted her to appear much like a painting,” Francis said. “My initial thought was of Fay Ray in the clutches of King Kong. Then I settled on an image from an old pulp fiction fantasy novel I read as a young man. I can’t recall the name of the book but the image of a nearly naked girl trapped in a huge spider web was rather…well, it stayed with me.”

As if on command the girl's fingers wiggled, garnering a smile from her captor. Reaching out, the man stroked the girl's leg, prompting her from her state of slumber. Her steel gray eyes blinked open, taking in the rare sight of strangers.

"Please, help me," whispered the girl, suddenly hopeful for freedom.

A chuckle of sadistic satisfaction rose from the gallery of people.

"Marvelous!" Beatrice issued. "Such hideous beauty. Such sadistic pleasures you must find in this beauty."

"More than I can express," Francis related. "Many is the night that I have taken my seat across from her, enjoying her exquisite suffering while my dutiful Desk brought me to full satisfaction."

"Desk? Who or what is Desk?" asked the woman.

Francis turned his gaze to the small desk at the far end of the room. It was made of dark oak and appeared well crafted and sturdy. From the center top of the desk, just beneath the desk’s top piece could be seen the lower portions of a woman. Her bottom jutted out slightly and her feet spread wide and disappeared into the desk's thick legs.

"She has relative freedom until lock into her place," Francis told the small crowd. "When not in use for my sexual pleasures or cleaning, she is there. When unattended she has a pump attached to her bottom to clean out her wastes."

"I assume that her upper half is useful when she is ensconced by the desk?" chuckled one of the guests.

"Please, feel free to look," Francis told the man.

One by one Francis' guests made their path to the other side of the desk to admire its most impressive attributes.

"It appears you have modified the girl quite severely," the older woman said.

"Ah, yes. She is, in fact, a Christ-like figure," Francis retorted, smiling. "Her hands and feet have rather large holes through them, titanium tubing filling the holes so they remain open and useful. Her breasts have been greatly enlarged and are, in fact, still growing thanks to an implant her creator calls ‘silly string’. Her lips have been shaped and enlarged, and her teeth have been replaced with a synthetic material."

"You said she has duties other than being a desk," Beatrice said. "Which means she can be removed from it. It also means that you trust her to be free in the house. That's a bit risky, if you ask me."

"Her mind is not what it once was. In fact, she has little recollection of the girl she was before she became what she is now," Francis told her. "Her only want in life is to be a pleasure toy. She has actually stated that she envies the other pieces I have here - wishes she were one of them."

"Interesting", the woman said.

"Well, I think it's time for the party to get started," Francis exclaimed. "So, if you don't mind, I will free Desk from her bondage and have her get to serving. Please, follow me to the dining room."

Over dinner, Francis' guests spoke in grand words about his living furnishings. All were in awe and most were in a quest to discover how they might acquire their own pieces. Amidst the excitement and revelry, none noticed the one man who sat quietly observing the actions of all in attendance. It was only after dinner had completed that he was introduced.

"It seems that you are all in agreement," Francis announced. "You all want what I have. Well, I have news for you. The man responsible for these creations is here.”

Their attention was immediate, as was the sudden silence filling the room. Anticipatory, each guest awaited the words that were to follow.

“He has been made fully aware of the status of each individual here,” Francis continued. “He knows your base interests and the truth about your, or our, illegal activities. However, as careful a man as he is, he wished to observe each of you before allowing me to compromise his identity.”

Francis paused for a moment, enjoying the sudden tension. He cast his eyes from one guest to another, enjoying their wide-eyed attention. Finally, Beatrice rose from her seat, her eyes burning into Francis.

“Damn it, man! You’re going to give us all heart attacks, you sadistic bastard!” she exclaimed, a smile playing across her lips.

Francis returned the smile, raising his arm in an open handed gesture. “Friends, I want you to meet Jerry O’Connell.”

All eyes turned towards the man at the far end of the table and watched the man ease himself from his seat. He raised his fist to his mouth and coughed before smiling at the guests.

“It’s been awhile since I have been away from my playground for a night like this,” he began. “I admit to having a very enjoyable time. Your company and adoration of my works has been quite enjoyable. Were I a more easily influenced man my head would be swelled beyond the ridiculous. Francis?”

“Thank you, Jerry,” Francis responded as Jerry returned to his seat. “Now, let’s retire to my study. I am sure you have many questions, hopes and fantasies you wish to discuss with my esteemed friend.”

[Satan_Klaus]

Even though it's more extreme than my usual tastes, I liked this story in all its dark, twisted glory.

To the nits:

I liked the introduction but this sentence seemed to break the flow too early in the story. I don't know exactly how it should be improved but it feels somewhat awkward.

"Of course. I've a friend who…he is the...um...director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,”

second:
A tall woman of an older generation stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling she bent down and peered into the nymph's closed eyes and whispered something.

And last one that I found:
"She has relative freedom until lock into her place,"

Something is definitely wrong here...


All in all a good story with high literary value and questionable content, like I expected from you.

Satan_Klaus

[H Dean]

Even though it's more extreme than my usual tastes, I liked this story in all its dark, twisted glory. I do tend towards dark shit. Believe it or not, I've a fantasy comedy working its way through my head.


To the nits:

I liked the introduction but this sentence seemed to break the flow too early in the story. I don't know exactly how it should be improved but it feels somewhat awkward.

"Of course. I've a friend who…he is the...um...director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,” Not only is it awkward, it doesn't fit with Francis' manner at all. I definately have to fix this.


second:
A tall woman of an older generation stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling she bent down and peered into the nymph's closed eyes and whispered something. I struggled with this little bit, trying to get the structure and description right. Being the first draft I decided to leave it and return later.


And last one that I found:
"She has relative freedom until lock into her place,"

Something is definitely wrong here...This made me chuckle. I wrote that sentence with a typo and then corrected it immediately. After correcting it I noticed that my correction was screwed up. I corrected that mistake too...corrected it to this mistake. This part of my story must be haunted.



All in all a good story with high literary value and questionable content, like I expected from you.

Satan_KlausQuestionable content? Hmmm...I think I like that.

Well, Satan Klaus, I appreciate you going over the first chapter of my new story...or maybe this new chapter to an old story. I haven't decided which. You know how it is.

Now, where are all the other kids in here?

[Rhabbi]

*drools and pulls out my decoder ring*

You have a few sentence fragments, need a couple of commas, and some use passive voice. Not sure that most of them are wrong, but ruby scarred me so much about passive voice that I avoid it unless I can justify it as part of the story.



The O’Connell Chronicles: The Dinner Party


Chapter 1


Francis directed his guests into his study, introducing them to his artwork. All were properly impressed and filled with questions as to how this magnificence was achieved.

"Are they all real?" a voice asked.

"Of course. I've a friend who…he is the...um...director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,” he told them. “I have another piece in the works, as a matter of fact."

His guests milled around first one piece and then another, touching the objects and mumbling to their comrades.

A tall woman of an older generation stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling she bent down and peered into the nymphs closed eyes and whispered something.

This sentence has a couple of things wrong with it. Here is the way it should be: Smiling she bent down, peered into the nymph’s closed eyes, and whispered something.


The eyes opened, startling the woman.
"So hideous," she whispered. "Francis, I'm curious, how do you...well, how does she eat or..."

Another comment her. Can you find another way to show hesitation in speech? the ...makes me think there is an escerpt, and I have to edit my thinking as I read.


Francis smiled as he strode towards the older woman. "As you can see, one satyr has his cock in her mouth and the other in her ass. I won't go into all the plumbing, but there is a small machine that pumps food into her stomach and another that cleans her out."

"I must have one!" she exclaimed.

"Perhaps that can be arranged, Beatrice," Francis said, a broad grin of satisfaction on his face.

"How did you manage this one?" asked a tall, dark haired man.

"Ah, this one...my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to the man. "I had to have this adjusted somewhat. The spider webbing originally fed into her fingers, but that proved to be a bit problematic. They feed into through the back of her hand now. I'm rather partial to the change: It allows her fingers to move now."

“It’s quite exquisite,” the man replied.

“Thank you. I wanted her to appear much like a painting,” Francis said. “My initial thought was of Fay Ray in the clutches of King Kong. Then I settled on an image from an old pulp fiction fantasy novel I read as a young man. I can’t recall the name of the book but the image of a nearly naked girl trapped in a huge spider web was rather…well, it stayed with me.”

As if on command the girl's fingers wiggled, garnering a smile from her captor. Reaching out, the man stroked the girl's leg, prompting her from her state of slumber. Her steel gray eyes blinked open, taking in the rare sight of strangers.

"Please, help me," whispered the girl, suddenly hopeful for freedom.

A chuckle of sadistic satisfaction rose from the gallery of people.

"Marvelous!" Beatrice issued. "Such hideous beauty. Such sadistic pleasures you must find in this beauty."

"More than I can express," Francis related. "Many is the night that I have

This part of the sentence is phrased awkwardly. I am hesitant to actually criticize it because it is a dialogue piece, but it just sets my teeth on edge. Switching from plural to singular in 2 words does that to me. Why not just say, "Many nights I have"?


taken my seat across from her, enjoying her exquisite suffering while my dutiful Desk brought me to full satisfaction."

"Desk? Who or what is Desk?" asked the woman.

Francis turned his gaze to the small desk at the far end of the room. It was made of dark oak and appeared well crafted and sturdy. From the center top of the desk, just beneath the desk’s top piece could be seen the lower portions of a woman. Her bottom jutted out slightly and her feet spread wide and disappeared into the desk's thick legs.

"She has relative freedom until lock into her place,"

This sentence needs one of two things. An I befoere lock, or an ed after it.


Francis told the small crowd. "When not in use for my sexual pleasures or cleaning, she is there. When unattended she has a pump attached to her bottom to clean out her wastes."

"I assume that her upper half is useful when she is ensconced by the desk?" chuckled one of the guests.

"Please, feel free to look," Francis told the man.

One by one Francis' guests made their path to the other side of the desk to admire its most impressive attributes.

"It appears you have modified the girl quite severely," the older woman said.

"Ah, yes. She is, in fact, a Christ-like figure," Francis retorted, smiling. "Her hands and feet have rather large holes through them, titanium tubing filling the holes so they remain open and useful. Her breasts have been greatly enlarged and are, in fact, still growing thanks to an implant her creator calls ‘silly string’. Her lips have been shaped and enlarged, and her teeth have been replaced with a synthetic material."

"You said she has duties other than being a desk," Beatrice said. "Which means she can be removed from it.

Is this a question? If not, start the sectnce with a word that does not indicate one.


It also means that you trust her to be free in the house. That's a bit risky, if you ask me."

"Her mind is not what it once was. In fact, she has little recollection of the girl she was before she became what she is now," Francis told her. "Her only want in life is to be a pleasure toy. She has actually stated that she envies the other pieces I have here - wishes she were one of them."

"Interesting", the woman said.

"Well, I think it's time for the party to get started," Francis exclaimed. "So, if you don't mind, I will free Desk from her bondage and have her get to serving. Please, follow me to the dining room."

Over dinner, Francis' guests spoke in grand words about his living furnishings. All were in awe and most were in a quest to discover how they might acquire their own pieces. Amidst the excitement and revelry, none noticed the one man who sat quietly observing the actions of all in attendance. It was only after dinner had completed that he was introduced.

"It seems that you are all in agreement," Francis announced. "You all want what I have. Well, I have news for you. The man responsible for these creations is here.”

Their attention was immediate, as was the sudden silence filling the room. Anticipatory, each guest awaited the words that were to follow.

“He has been made fully aware of the status of each individual here,” Francis continued. “He knows your base interests and the truth about your, or our, illegal activities. However, as careful a man as he is, he wished to observe each of you before allowing me to compromise his identity.”

Francis paused for a moment, enjoying the sudden tension. He cast his eyes from one guest to another, enjoying their wide-eyed attention. Finally, Beatrice rose from her seat, her eyes burning into Francis.

“Damn it, man! You’re going to give us all heart attacks, you sadistic bastard!” she exclaimed, a smile playing across her lips.

Francis returned the smile, raising his arm in an open handed

One word here.


gesture. “Friends, I want you to meet Jerry O’Connell.”

All eyes turned towards the man at the far end of the table and watched the man ease himself from his seat. He raised his fist to his mouth and coughed before smiling at the guests.

“It’s been awhile since I have been away from my playground for a night like this,” he began. “I admit to having a very enjoyable time. Your company and adoration of my works has been quite enjoyable. Were I a more easily influenced man my head would be swelled beyond the ridiculous. Francis?”

“Thank you, Jerry,” Francis responded as Jerry returned to his seat. “Now, let’s retire to my study. I am sure you have many questions, hopes and fantasies you wish to discuss with my esteemed friend.”

Over all, a very nice story. I thank you for the opportunity to see a first draft of one of your works.

The sentence fragments all occur in dialogue, and are thus permissible under the rules. Just thought I would show them for the practice, and in case you decide that a coule of them should be changed.

One thing, I kept wondering how all this was done. It bugged me through the whole story. I know this is the first chapter, and that you probably plan to cover this later, but could you help a little. I am sure Jerry would have at least a rudimentary understanding of the process, why not have him explain it to his guests, telling them that he does not really understand all the details.

Also, I believe that it is impossible to actually have a utile hand or foot if you have a large hole in it. The tendons and nerves necessary to move the fingers have to go somewhere. Very large gap in my ability to suspend disbelief. Not good

[H Dean]

Rhabbi, I sure hope it felt good to rip my bits to pieces. Heh.

I do agree that there are sentence fragments and that some of the language needs to be revised. The "..." is largely (not always) used in areas where I am having difficulties with dialogue. I tend to leave these things for later, so as not to disturb my flow. I highly recommend it when you are having troubles getting an idea to sit right on the page. I also go back and correct my punctuation several times. I am afraid it is my weak spot. Consequently, I tend to need several reviews in that area.

As for the descriptions of how things are done to these women - fret not. Those things are already taken care of. For referrence, see my "Object" series and the first story in "The O'Connell Chronicles: One Man's Art". This will be a very close tie-in with those, and it will be obviously so before this is posted as a story.

What I found interesting about both of the reviews I have had so far is that my main fear was not realized. I won't disclose that fear just yet, I want to see if anyone else manages to find any problems with what I was worried about.

At any rate, I think you for taking the time to nit-pick this chapter. To be frank, I was expecting far more to be wrong than what has turned up thus far. Then again, there have only been two nitpickers to grace me with their talons. Where is the rest of our cadre of nitpickers?

[tessa]

I don't have a super-duper decoder ring, so I won't dare nit-pick your story.

What I will say is this: You left something out. Some basic element. I'll re-read and re-read, just to see if I can figure out what it is. I may not, but I'll try.

Nice to know that ol' Jerry is still alive and umm, modifying?

tessa :wave:

[H Dean]

You left something out. Some basic element. Yeah...horror. Everything was nice.

[tessa]

Yeah...horror. Everything was nice.

Sadistic horror, maybe? There was that one yummy glimpse of it when spidey-girl asked for help. Got a buzz out of that.

But it is your story. Nice away, Mr. Dean.

:wave:

[H Dean]

But no nits to pick? Come on, it's a first draft...it's gotta have something to bitch about.

[tessa]

But no nits to pick? Come on, it's a first draft...it's gotta have something to bitch about.

If those questions are directed at me, let me say that 1) Satan Klaus and Mr. Super-Decoder Ring up there picked all the nits already, and 2) I don't bitch about other people's stories. Or much else for that matter. But definitely not stories. I made my comment (that you were so kind to elaborate on, thanks) and other than saying that it is yet another H Dean work of art, there's not much else for me to add.

If those questions weren't directed at me, please pardon all my typing.

tessa :wave:

[H Dean]

I so wanna do you!

[tessa]

I so wanna do you!

Mr. Dean, I'm going to go tuck myself up in bed and dream that the "you" you wanna "do" is me. And I'm using my definition of "do you". It'll be a sure fire way to work through a few fantasies of mine.

This time if your comment isn't directed at me, well fiddle-faddle! That will just be disappointing. I mean, I'll still get to use the words and all, but it'll be slightly anti-climactic.

And when one is aiming for climactic only, adding the 'anti' is a real pisser.

tessa :wave:

[moptop]

I thought I'd join in the fun, here. Thanks for offering us the opportunity to tear you to shreds!



"Of course. I've a friend who…he is the...um...director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,” he told them. “I have another piece in the works, as a matter of fact."

Agree, it doesn't work.



A tall woman of an older generation stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling she bent down and peered into the nymphs closed eyes and whispered something.


I think you need a few more commas in both of these sentences. 'of an older generation' is a sub-clause that could be removed from sentence without damaging its make-up: one of the things I was taught long ago is, capture those gramatically unnecessary sub-clauses between commas.

You have a possesive apostrophe missing.

I see it as:

A tall woman, of an older generation, stood over what appeared to be a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling, she bent down and peered into the nymph's closed eyes and whispered something.

I also don't like 'and peered (...) and whispered'. I would prefer 'and peered (...) whispering or '...eyes. She whispered...'

Admittedly, that would give you a repetition with the next phrase, but I'm sure you can fix that!



"So hideous," she whispered. "Francis, I'm curious, how do you...well, how does she eat or..."


She is whispering, then she is talking to Francis, obviously out loud. I just feel you need a transition between the two - say, she turns, she stands up, she raises her head, some activity that allows the change in volume to be natural from the beginning of her sentence, as opposed to the reader having to realise it. I recognise that the fact that she says 'Francis' first does this - but I don't know, I would prefer

'Francis,' she called,

or something like that.



"How did you manage this one?" asked a tall, dark haired man.

"Ah, this one...my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to the man.



Repetition of 'this one' and 'man'. Prefer

"Ah... that is my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to him.

Or such.



"I had to have this adjusted somewhat. The spider webbing originally fed into her fingers, but that proved to be a bit problematic. They feed into through the back of her hand now. I'm rather partial to the change: It allows her fingers to move now."

Mix of singular/plural.




I can’t recall the name of the book, but the image of a nearly naked girl trapped in a huge spider web was rather…well, it stayed with me.”

Yes, I know - there is debate about the use of commas with 'but' and 'and'. Personally, I believe this has now become normal usage, and it makes the sentence read better.

There's a space missing in "rather...well"




As if on command the girl's fingers wiggled, garnering a smile from her captor. Reaching out, the man stroked the girl's leg, prompting her from her state of slumber. Her steel gray eyes blinked open, taking in the rare sight of strangers.

It doesn't really matter, but is 'the man' Francis - her captor - or the guest?




A chuckle of sadistic satisfaction rose from the gallery of people.


'gallery of people' seems overkill. How about just 'the room'. I know rooms don't laugh, but it's a well-known form of speech!



"More than I can express," Francis related.

"related"? Really?



"Many is the night that I have taken my seat across from her, enjoying her exquisite suffering while my dutiful Desk brought me to full satisfaction."

Minor nit-pick - she's his latest creation, is it really 'many a night'? I like the phrase, it is perfectly Francis. It just may not be true.



Francis turned his gaze to the small desk at the far end of the room. It was made of dark oak and appeared well crafted and sturdy. From the center top of the desk, just beneath the desk’s top piece could be seen the lower portions of a woman. Her bottom jutted out slightly and her feet spread wide and disappeared into the desk's thick legs.

OK, I have real problems with this. This is a normal height desk, yes? How does he get his knees under the desk, given that desks are designed to be just the right height, but now he's got a body in the way? Does he? Is he going to kneel on the floor behind her - doesn't sound comfy enough for him!! - how does this work? I find it very confusing, I can't picture it properly.

Maybe it doesn't matter, after all, I get the idea - but I think the idea has to work, and I'm not sure it does.

But I'm not gifted at visualising things, so it may just be me!!



"She has relative freedom until I lock into her place,"




When unattended she has a pump attached to her bottom to clean out her wastes."


For some reason, 'bottom' just doesn't sound right in Francis' mouth here (if you see what I mean!!). I feel he would use a colder, more medical term, anus, probably.



"I assume that her upper half is useful when she is ensconced by the desk?" chuckled one of the guests.


'ensconced' takes 'in', I think?



One by one Francis' guests made their path to the other side of the desk to admire its most impressive attributes.

'make your way' is more usual than 'make your path'


"Ah, yes. She is, in fact, a Christ-like figure," Francis retorted, smiling.

'retort' is the wrong word. As per dictionnary.com, retort means:

1. to reply to, usually in a sharp or retaliatory way; reply in kind to.
2. to return (an accusation, epithet, etc.) upon the person uttering it.
3. to answer (an argument or the like) by another to the contrary.



"Her hands and feet have rather large holes through them,

Get rid of 'rather'? Or use a more Francis-like word - e.g. 'adequately' - a sense of tittering relish and innuendo being brought in...



Her breasts have been greatly enlarged and are, in fact, still growing, thanks to an implant her creator calls ‘silly string’.



her teeth have been replaced with a synthetic material."


Why? What is special about this synthetic material? Either this needs expanding, or removing.



"Interesting", the woman said.


"Interesting,"



"Well, I think it's time for the party to get started," Francis exclaimed.

Should there be an exclamation mark, then?



"So, if you don't mind, I will free Desk from her bondage and have her get to serving.

'if you don't mind' isn't quite Francis, either - he's not the sort to be apologetic, even when being a polite host, is he?

'if you are ready', maybe?

and 'get to serving' - especially so soon after 'get started' - don't like that. How about 'so she can start serving us.'



Over dinner, Francis' guests spoke in grand words about his living furnishings.

'in grand words' - well, I think I know what you wish to convey, but I'm not convinced you are conveying it. They are being effusive, complimentary, are they not? 'grand words' just means they're a load of intellectual pedantic pricks discussing art-work; which of course is also an aspect.

Oh, woops, did I sound like I didn't like them there for a minute? :D



All were in awe and most were in a quest to discover how they might acquire their own pieces.

in a quest to discover... no... don't like that... 'eager to discover' I would prefer, or such.

And - careful - here you say 'most' - see notes later re the creator.



Amidst the excitement and revelry, no-one noticed the one man who sat quietly observing the actions of all in attendance. It was only after dinner had completed that he was introduced.


OK, the introduction and 'un-noticed' presence of the artist, these really bother me. He is obviously a twisted genius, and wishes to remain private. It doesn't strike me that he would sit in the room with them, have dinner with them, if he wished to retain the right not to be introduced to them. I would have thought it sat far more in the vein of things that he should be observing them unseen. He should communicate with Francis in some way or another before the introduction, to indicate to Francis that he is willing to be introduced. This communication should be discrete enough to be unobserved by the guests, or at least, it should not raise their interest particularly. Otherwise, Francis is quite possibly introducing the artist when he actually has not gained the confidence in these people that he wishes.

Could someone be expulsed, on his request? Anyone who wasn't actively asking how they could get such a piece, for example? (ref. 'most')



Anticipatory, each guest awaited the words that were to follow.


This could be more descriptive of the eager tension they are feeling.




Francis paused for a moment, enjoying the sudden tension. He cast his eyes from one guest to another, enjoying their wide-eyed attention.

repetition of enjoying



All eyes turned towards the man at the far end of the table and watched the man ease himself from his seat.

repetition of the man



He raised his fist to his mouth and coughed before smiling at the guests.


For some reason, 'fist' sounds wrong



“It’s been awhile since I have been away from my playground for a night like this,” he began. “I admit to having a very enjoyable time. Your company and adoration of my works has been quite enjoyable. Were I a more easily influenced man my head would be swelled beyond the ridiculous. Francis?”

Sounds too much like Francis. I think he ought to sound more like a boffin; shy mad professory type, obsessed by the methods he uses and his research; or, like a pretentious artist, waffling on about the intrinsic symbolic significance of his works and the message they bring to the world. Either one would give him the capacity to be enthused by what he does, in a way that avoids the actuality of his own sadism. His clients are sadists; he is a creator.

There! I have been unashamed in voicing my opinion, to the point where I'm shoving my nose in where it's not my business, I think - not just points of style or nit-picks. But I did enjoy doing it, and you're right, doing this helps one to think more consciously about one's own writing.

So thanks again for the opportunity.

[Rhabbi]

Dean, there is one thing that has been nagging at me that I did not mention the first time. Older than who or what?

[H Dean]

Moptop, you heartless, no good so-and-so!

First, your nit-picks were very much right on. In fact, while editing this chapter I have made a few changes that are right along the lines of your picked nits. I have not completed my editing, nor will I until I have a few more chapters under my belt. I like to let my stories gestate a bit so I can give them a fresh look. I think your review of this draft will aid in this chapter's eventual outcome.


But I did enjoy doing it, and you're right, doing this helps one to think more consciously about one's own writing.
It's amazing how much it can help one's work when you begin to look at other works with a critical eye. Of course, it also helps to look at the works of writers who are better than most. No, you silly person, I wasn't talking about me. I was talking about writers like Mad Lews, Lex Ludite, Aussiegirl, Benfan and a bunch of other people who's names I can't remember.

Anyhow, I am off....must get to earning my paycheck, after all.

Oh, thank you for your critical analysis of my chapter. It was quite well done.

Dean, the Great

[H Dean]

Mr. Dean, I'm going to go tuck myself up in bed and dream that the "you" you wanna "do" is me. And I'm using my definition of "do you". It'll be a sure fire way to work through a few fantasies of mine.

This time if your comment isn't directed at me, well fiddle-faddle! That will just be disappointing. I mean, I'll still get to use the words and all, but it'll be slightly anti-climactic.

And when one is aiming for climactic only, adding the 'anti' is a real pisser.

tessa :wave:
Of course I meant you, Tessa.

[Ruby]

Dear Dean the Great,

Since the students are doing such a great job of editing and offering suggestions, I'll not nitpick any further.

I do have questions.

Is this story set in the past, present or future?

How are the body parts of the living artwork stimulated in such a manner to avoid cramps, atrophy of the limbs, and poor circulation?

The creator of the living artwork is Jerry O’Connell -- as in the famous actor from Stand by Me, Crossing Jordan and a host of other movies like Kangaroo Jack?

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005278/

If you want to keep this name, you may want to add a middle initial or name to distinguish him from his famous counterpart.

Looking forward to seeing the next version of this chapter,

Ruby
:rose:

[H Dean]

Dear Dean the Great,

Since the students are doing such a great job of editing and offering suggestions, I'll not nitpick any further.

You mean they got it all?


I do have questions.The answer is YES!


Is this story set in the past, present or future?Present.

[
How are the body parts of the living artwork stimulated in such a manner to avoid cramps, atrophy of the limbs, and poor circulation?That's pretty much explained in previous entries of the story, though it will be touched on again.


The creator of the living artwork is Jerry O’Connell -- as in the famous actor from Stand by Me, Crossing Jordan and a host of other movies like Kangaroo Jack?Yes. He is a child actor gone bad. How Typical.

Actually, the name is an homage to one of my favorite authors. To quote my authors notes from "One Man's Art":
"Before I continue, I must pay honors to Michael Moorcock, one of my favorite fantasy authors. It was from a series of books called “The Cornelius Chronicles” that I got the odd doctor’s name and the inspiration for the banner under which these stories will fit."

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005278/


If you want to keep this name, you may want to add a middle initial or name to distinguish him from his famous counterpart.It's actually a common Irish name. The Irish keep it that way so as to avoid confusion.

Yes, I realize that makes no sense. But I am Irish.


Looking forward to seeing the next version of this chapter,

Ruby
:rose:As always, you leave me wanting more, Ruby...Rose...ah, such soft petals. Ouch! You pricked me! No, wait, that was me. My bad.

An edited version of chapter 1 - expanded, chopped, channelled and louvered will be posted some time soon. The abuse I have received has been of such quality that I can hardly resist. To be quite ernest, I have also been having more trouble with this story than I have in the past, and I find that my tolerance for my own shoddy work has diminished since I began helping out in the Writer's Block.

I should thank you all now. The shortcomings you all have told me about are things I usually don't see until the third draft, or so. By then I am usually well into my tale, trying to forget the early parts so it is fresh when next I edit. Your helpful nit-picking, rib kicking and eye poking has speeded up the editing process a lot.

Thank you all for aiding this hopeless endeavor.

[H Dean]

First of all, I wish to say that your helpful comments were all considered for my first edit of this story. No comments were ignored and all were appreciated. Now, since you were all so helpful, willing and kind, I am posting my first edit of this tale.

I don't know when I will get to my next edit. I do prefer to let my stories sit a bit before the third edit - don't want it to be too fresh or I miss all sorts of crap. Now, here is the first edit of chapter 1...





Chapter 1


Francis’ guests arrived at precisely six o’clock in the evening. Failure to do so would have been a breach of etiquette and was severely frowned upon by the members of this special fraternity. Each guest was dressed in proper evening attire, as if attending a ball. Greeting them in the main foyer was Francis. At his side was a tall man, studious in appearance and dressed in the same fashion as the newly arrived guests. Few took particular note of the man, except to shake hands upon introduction.

“Friends,” Francis began, “It is my pleasure to welcome you into my home. I do hope you find this night as enjoyable as I believe you will. Now, if you will, follow me into my study. I’ve some artwork I think you will find quite stunning.”

As the group entered the study, each was properly impressed. Antique rugs hung from all four walls, as did masterful paintings. Rich reds, offset by intricate patters, populated the thick carpeting on the room’s floor. Six heavy wooden chairs, padded in red velvet, and two matching sofas were among the simpler comforts the room had to offer. These were the least stunning of his decorations.

"These are amazingly realistic," a voice commented.

"I've a friend who is the director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,” he told them. “I have another piece in the works, as a matter of fact."

His guests milled around first one piece and then another, mumbling to their comrades.

A tall woman in her mid-fifties stood over a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling, she bent down to better appreciate the lifelike appearance of the statue. A whisper of approval brought the nymph's eyes open, sending chills down the woman’s spine.

”No!” she exclaimed. “Francis! She can’t be real. Is she?”

Francis laughed as he strode towards the older woman. "As you can see, one satyr has his cock in her mouth and the other in her ass. I won't go into all the plumbing, but there is a small machine that pumps food into her and another that cleans her out. You have noticed, I am sure, that her skin is not her own. It has, in fact, been covered with a permanent synthetic material. I won’t go into details about it now, but you will learn of its nature later."

“How is this possible?” she asked. “Can she move?”

”She is frozen in time, Beatrice,” Francis explained. “Forever a statue in service of monsters.”

“I must have one,” she said, a hopeful look on her face.

"Perhaps that can be arranged," Francis said, a broad grin of satisfaction crossing his face.

"What about this one, is it real, too?" asked a tall, dark haired man.

"Ah, this one...my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to the man. "I had to have this adjusted somewhat. The spider webbing originally fed into her fingers, but that proved to be a bit problematic. It feeds into the back of her hands now. I'm rather partial to the change: It allows her fingers to move."

Reaching out, the man stroked the girl's leg, prompting her from her state of slumber. Her steel gray eyes blinked open, taking in the rare sight of strangers.

“It’s beautiful,” the man replied.

“Thank you. I wanted her to appear much like a painting,” Francis said. “My initial thought was of Fay Ray in the clutches of King Kong. Then I settled on an image from an old pulp fiction fantasy novel I read as a young man. I can’t recall the name of the book, but the image of a nearly naked girl trapped in a huge spider web was rather well imprinted.”

"Please, help me," whispered the girl, suddenly hopeful for freedom.

A chuckle of sadistic satisfaction rose from the crowd. They watched, entranced, as the naked girl swayed within her web of metal, fingers reaching out in a desperate attempt for help.

"Marvelous!" Beatrice issued. "Such hideous beauty. Such sadistic pleasures you must find in this beauty."

"More than I can express," Francis related. "There have been many nights when I have taken my seat across from her, enjoying her exquisite suffering, while Desk brought me to satisfaction."

"Desk? Who or what is Desk?" asked the woman.

Francis turned his gaze to the small desk at the far end of the room. It was made of dark oak and appeared well crafted and sturdy. From the center top of the desk, just beneath the desk’s top piece, could be seen the lower portions of a woman. Her bottom jutted out slightly and her feet spread wide and disappeared into the desk's thick legs. Had one not known better, one would swear that she was carved from the same wood as the desk

"She has relative freedom until locked into place," Francis told the small crowd. "When not in use for my sexual pleasures or cleaning, she is there. When unattended she has a pump attached to her posterior opening to clean out her wastes. Everything is handled through a synthetic colon, even her urinary functions."

"I assume that her upper half is useful when she is ensconced by the desk?" chuckled one of the guests.

"Please, feel free to look," Francis told the man.

One by one Francis' guests made their path to the other side of the desk to admire its most impressive attributes.

“She must be a bit distracting when you are trying to work,” chuckled Frank, a tall gray haired man. “And I imagine her tits get in the way a bit, too.”

“It can be a bit trying, I’ll admit. Truly, it is not terribly practical. To be frank, if I may,” Francis said, smiling, “her position is merely to fulfill a fantasy of mine.”

"It appears you have modified the girl quite severely," the older woman said. “How is she secured in place?”

"Ah, yes. She is, in fact, a Christ-like figure," Francis said, smiling. "Her hands and feet have small holes through them. Titanium tubing fills the holes so they remain open and useful. She is held steady through steel pins that feed through the holes in her hands and feet. Her breasts have been greatly enlarged and are, in fact, still growing thanks to an implant her creator calls ‘silly string’. Her lips have been shaped and enlarged, her teeth have been replaced with a synthetic material and her skin, save for her head and breasts, has been permanently covered with the same synthetic material as my statue.”

"You said she has duties other than being a desk," Beatrice said. "That indicates that you trust her to be free in the house. That's a bit risky, if you ask me."

"Her mind is not what it once was. In fact, she has little recollection of the girl she was," Beatrice was informed. "Her only want in life is to be a pleasure toy. She has actually stated that she envies the other pieces I have here - wishes she were one of them."

"Interesting", the woman said.

“Ah, this is quite lovely as well,” issued another guest.

“That is my coat rack,” Francis informed the man. “She has been coated in the same synthetic skin as Desk and Statue, though her modifications are a bit different.”

“I assume her wastes are handled through the same means as your statue?” asked the man.

“The post running between her legs is for just that,” Francis said. “That and to aid in keeping her steady. Also, her rib cage has been re-enforced to support the coat hooks that jut out from her breasts. You may note, if you touch her breasts, that they are quite solid. This was, unfortunately, a must for her design.”

“Fascinating,” Beatrice said, a sadistic smile playing on her lips.

"Well, I think it's time for the party to get started," Francis exclaimed. "So, if there are no objections, I will free Desk from her place and have her get to her duties. Please, the dining room is down the hall and to the left."

Over dinner, Francis' guests spoke in grandly complementary words about his living furnishings. So fascinated and curious was his company, as to how they could acquire such things, that they barely noticed the man who had been so briefly introduced upon their arrival.

"It seems that you are all in agreement," Francis announced. "You all want what I have and you all want to know how it is done. Well, I have news for you. The man responsible for these creations is here.”

Their attention was immediate, as was the sudden silence filling the room. Anticipatory, each guest awaited the words that were to follow.

“He has been made fully aware of the status of each individual here,” Francis continued. “He knows your base interests and the truth about your, or our, illegal activities. However, as careful a man as he is, he wished to observe each of you before allowing me to compromise his profession.”

Francis paused for a moment, enjoying the sudden tension. He cast his eyes from one guest to another, enjoying their wide-eyed attention. Finally, Beatrice rose from her seat, her eyes burning into Francis.

“Damn it, man! You’re going to give us all heart attacks, you sadistic bastard!” she exclaimed, smiling.

Francis returned the smile, raising his arm in an open gesture to the man beside him. “Friends, let me re-introduce to you the director of the Chimera Foundation, Jerry O’Connell.”

All eyes turned towards the man sitting nearest to Francis. Smiling slightly, he raised his hand to his mouth and cleared his throat.

“It’s been awhile since I have been away from my facility for a night like this,” he began. “I admit to having a very enjoyable time. Your company and adoration of my works has been quite enjoyable. Were I a more easily influenced man my head would be swelled beyond the ridiculous. Francis?”

“Thank you, Jerry,” Francis said, regaining the attention of his guests. “Now, let’s retire to my study. I have an amusement planned; one I am sure you will all enjoy.”

[tessa]

Well, Mr. Dean, I finished the story with a smile on my face. Wicked delight. I cannot wait to read of the planned "amusement".

(Spidey girl still did it for me in this read. Thanks for that!) :)

tessa :wave:

[Rhabbi]

Wow Dean, on first read all I can say is that the story is mich more believable. I will give it more attention later and see if I find anything else that I want to comment on.

[H Dean]

Well, Mr. Dean, I finished the story with a smile on my face. Wicked delight. I cannot wait to read of the planned "amusement".

(Spidey girl still did it for me in this read. Thanks for that!) :)

tessa :wave:Well, I really only planned to post the first chapter here and the edits here. But maybe, if you are nice, I will go ahead and post the whole thing here.

Who knows, you mightfind it fun to be an objective observer, watching an awful story manages to reach the apex of mediocrity.

Hell, I might even learn how to write.

[H Dean]

Wow Dean, on first read all I can say is that the story is mich more believable. I will give it more attention later and see if I find anything else that I want to comment on.I shall await that flail you call a pen, cruel sir!

Wow, talk about over acting! This is what happens when I start reading Sophoclese.


I meant to say that I'm looking forward to seeing what you think.

[tessa]

Well, I really only planned to post the first chapter here and the edits here. But maybe, if you are nice, I will go ahead and post the whole thing here.

For that, I'll be extra special nice, Mr. Dean. ;)


Who knows, you mightfind it fun to be an objective observer, watching an awful story manages to reach the apex of mediocrity.

Hell, I might even learn how to write.

You're good at so many things, but humble ain't one of them. Good try though. :)

Please, please? More?

:wave:

[H Dean]

For that, I'll be extra special nice, Mr. Dean. ;)[QUOTE]Hmm, define "extra nice".



[QUOTE]You're good at so many things, but humble ain't one of them. Good try though. :)I am aghast that you might say such a thing. Not good at humble? I will have you know that I majored in humble at the university. I was the best student in class. Why, people would from far and wide to see just how humble I could be. I am famous for being humble and none makes a better humble pie than I!


Please, please? More?

:wave:I likes it when they begs!

[H Dean]

Tessa,

It's about a quarter til midnight here on the left coast on the US. I imagine it is the same time on the left coast of Canada and Mekico, as well. Hmm, the same in Peru and Argentina, probably. Though, they might be on mountain time. But that's not important right now. What is important is that I have finished (almost) chapter 2 and I am on chapter 3 of this tale. I was on chapter 3 before, but the division was bad. So, chapter 3 became chapter 2. It's a long and convoluted mess. Anyhow, since you asked so nicely, I decided to give you the first draft of Chapter 2. Feel free to rip it apart...yeah, that means the gallery, too. You all can rip and tear and brutalize chapter 2.

Well, here it is...


Chapter 2


“Jerry,” Beatrice began, cozying into a large, velvet padded chair, “how is it that you came to creating such masterpieces as these?”

“It’s a long story, my dear,” Jerry replied.

“Jerry, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ted Dunhill. I must say that I am as curious as Beatrice about your skills, education and how you came to do what you do. Couldn’t you entreat us with a bit about yourself?”

Jerry smiled, seeing the curiosity in the eyes of all the attendees. “I am afraid that my past, indeed my beginnings and education are of little consequence. More importantly, I wish to leave the past where it is; in the firm grasp of historians and scholars.”

“A man of mystery, I see,” Beatrice mused. “I think we can all respect that. After all, we all have some rather dark secrets of our own.”

Chuckles and nodded agreements filled the room. Finally, as the moment died down, Francis stood up to gather the attention of his guests.

“Friends,” Francis began, “I’ve a surprise for you. One I think you will find quite interesting, especially as it pertains to a new form of entertainment.”

“Do tell, Francis,” said Eric, a middle aged man with close-cropped hair. “Your entertainments are always quite enjoyable, but I find it hard to believe it could be any more entertaining than any of your previous entertainments.”

“Desk,” Francis said, “Please bring in the girl.”

Desk immediately scampered to action. A few moments of anticipatory silence passed before Desk returned, pushing a rolling platform on which rested an “X” shaped crucifix adorned with a gagged and naked girl.

“Exquisite,” Beatrice exclaimed. “What tortures have you planned for her? Or are we free to torture her as we like?”

“Ah, I have something far different in mind,” Francis replied. “You see, this creature is to be my next piece of living art. My trouble is that my imagination is a bit lacking. I thought you all might provide me with some ideas.”

The girl was clearly frightened. Tears, long dried, stained her perfect, white skin. Her breathing was quick and shallow, occasionally shuddering within the throws of her recent crying.

“Let me introduce you to everyone, my dear,” Francis said to the girl. Then, gesturing to each guest, he introduced the girl to his company. “First, our guest of honor. His name is Jerry O’Connell. You will come to know him quite well. To your immediate left is Benjamin, and sitting beside him is Beatrice. To her right is Ted, Frank, Roger, Mia, Donald, Terrence, James and, finally, Eric.”

The girl’s eyes met each of his guest’s eyes, fearing their intent, yet hopeful one might aid in her release. When, finally, the introductions were complete, her eyes came to rest on the creature trapped within the web of metal on Francis’ wall. Eyes wide, she stared, wondering if the creature was real.

“Ah, so you admire her too?” Francis said, noticing her fascination. “She was once a girl, just as you are now.. Her name is ‘Art’, though it was once Lindsey.”

Turning her to the left, he introduced her to the apparent statue. “The nymph was once a girl named Adriana. She is now called ‘Statue’. Quite beautiful, isn’t she?”

Turning the girl again, he pointed to a tall marble colored girl. “That is ‘Coatrack’. You may notice the hooks jutting from her breasts. Otherwise she would just be another statue.”

Tears began anew as Francis turned the frightened girl to face the crowd again.

“Sweetheart, I am going to remove your gag, I know it is uncomfortable. I do hope you will have the courtesy not to scream,” Francis said. “I don’t want to gag you again.”

“They aren’t real are they?” the girl asked, after the gag’s removal. “It isn’t possible. Is it?”

“Desk,” Francis commanded. “Secure the door, please.

Again, Desk scampered to fulfill her orders, locking the heavy door before bringing the key to Francis.

“I will let you see for yourself,” he said to the crucified girl, releasing her from her bondage.

Upon release the girl bolted for the door. Finding it locked, she struggled; refusing to believe it was so. Finally, understanding the futility of her situation, she stopped and looked back at the on looking crowd. Her blue eyes burned out beneath her jet black hair as she stared, terrible fear apparent to all.

All eyes were upon the girl, intently studying her every motion, waiting for her to discover what she must. Finally, after crossing eyes, once again, with each member of the sadistic crowd, she approached the coat rack. Briefly, her hands moved to cover her suddenly remembered nakedness; only to reach out as she neared the terrible object before her.

“It’s not real,” she said, refusing to believe the truth of Francis’ words. “It’s not.”

None replied to the girl, entranced in the moment. Instead, they merely watched the girl as she came to stand before the living coat rack.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but it’s not real!” she exclaimed, her voice nasal from her crying.

Turning back to the thing before her, she reached out to touch it. It was warm, not cold as she imagined it would be. A quick glance back at her captor brought more defiant words.

“I told you,” she said, before looking back to see the coat racks bright green eyes staring back at her.

“Oh God,” she muttered, backing away from the coat rack. “No, no, no, no no.”

Eyes wide and mouth agape, she turned to Francis’ guests, unable to voice more than she had. Her breath became ragged and shallow and she sank to the floor, staring at nothing. Finally, she quieted and pulled her knees to her chest, silently rocking back and forth. For the next several minutes she sat, oblivious to all, rocking and crying. Finally, she looked up, wet faced and frightened.

“They’re real…all of them, aren’t they?” she said. “You weren’t lying, were you?”

Francis smiled, walking slowly to where she sat. He knelt down and stroked her long hair. She looked at him, still dazed.

“Why?” she asked. “Why would you do that?”

“Your name is Monique, isn’t it?” Francis asked the girl. “Come with me, Monique. Let me show you true beauty.”

Taking her hand, Francis helped her gain her feet. Weak of knee, she allowed him to guide her to where the girl hung on the wall.

“Please,” Monique whispered, pulling weakly, to free herself from Francis’ grasp.

“You see, this is more than she would ever be,” Francis whispered. “Touch her.”

“She looks like a painting,” Monique breathed, her eyes taking in the entirety of the piece before her.

“So she is,” Francis said. “She is a painting. Now, touch her.”

Monique looked to Francis and then to the girl on the wall. Nodding her head, she whispered, “I can’t.”

“That’s all right, Monique. Watch,” he told her.

Francis reached out to the girl on the wall and quickly trailed his finger along her rib cage. She jerked from the startling stimulation, a whispered scream escaping her lips.

“Oh God!” Monique cried out. “Please, please, please. Let me go. Just let me go. I won’t tell anyone. Please…”

The eyes of the on looking crowd never wavered. The terror and emotional strain on the girl was far too great to pry their eyes from. So they sat, silent and watchful, breathing in shallow and controlled breaths, not wanting to disturb the fascinating scene that played out before them.

“It’s all right, Monique,” Francis cooed. “You’ll pass out if you keep this up. Take a breath. Don’t worry, sweetheart, there is only one more piece to show you.

She screamed, suddenly, begging and struggling against Francis as he pulled her towards the statue. He pulled the girl against him, holding her small form pressed to his chest, cooing into her ear. Finally, she calmed enough to see what he wished to show her. So, kneeling down with his charge, he displayed to her the statue.

“You see, I wanted a statue that was hideous and beautiful, pornographic and erotic,” he told her. “I wanted it to be a study in contrasts. What could fit those better than a nymph making love to monstrous creatures?”

Monique said nothing, her eyes locked unknowingly on the contrasting textures of the statue. The nymph, lovely and pleasing to the eye, appeared to be of polished marble, while the satyrs ghastly appearance seemed more roughly hewn. So, while Francis’ spoke, she remained steady on the transfixing contrast between the beauty and the beasts.

“Finally,” Francis continued, “I wanted to find a contrast between the fanciful and the horrifying. I think I have accomplished that here.”

As his last word left his lips, he leaned towards the nymph’s ear. Expected as it was, Monique recoiled at the statue’s opened eyes. After a moment of speechless fright, she passed out.

“It seems she is a bit of a delicate sort,” Francis muttered, as he lifted the small girl into his arms.

“Astonishingly awful.”

“I assume you meant that in a positive way, Mia,” Francis said as he placed his charge at the room’s center.

“Beyond positive, Francis,” Mia responded, her voice breathy. “Already, you have surpassed…I’ve never seen suffering quite like this.”

Francis winked at the woman, pleased to have her approval. Then, looking around the room, he observed his comrades discussing the events they had just witnessed, listening as best he could, hearing only positive comments.

Hideous. Wonderful, Erotic, Sadist. Those are just some of the words I can describe this night with, Francis,” Beatrice gushed. “I know you have more planned, my boy. Don’t keep us waiting too long.”

“Worry not. The night’s activities have just begun,” he told her.



Edit – Find suitable transition.


Monique had finally regained her senses and now sat in the center of the room, arms wrapped around her knees and staring into unfocussed space. Around her, Francis and his guests were seated, awaiting the announcement of what was to come. Each of his guests, while slightly impatient, was still engaged in one discussion or another about the events of the night. Finally, as Desk had completed serving drinks, Francis clicked his fingernail against his glass, gaining their attention.

“Friends,” he started. “The night is still young. At least younger than we are, and I have a plan that veers from the beaten path.

“We do like to beat the path,” Eric chuckled, gaining the approved laughter of all.

“Our standard procedures are different than what I have planned,” Francis continued. “Usually, we act. Tonight, we plan.”

“I’m not sure we follow you,” Beatrice interjected.

“This girl, Monique, is to be the next piece in my collection,” he said. “Unfortunately, I have run a bit dry on ideas. Tonight, in the presence of the man who will create art from clay, and in front of the clay that is soon to be art, we will discuss what the clay is to become.”

Beatrice clapped her hands together, excitedly. “You are an evil one, my boy! How wonderful this will be!”

[tessa]

I'm not so good with division and numbers and time zones, so I'll leave that for you to work out. Convoluted messes, however, are my specialty. Let me know if you ever need any help with those. :)

You know that language that people become fluent in when the pleasure takes over and rational thought flees? That "Oh godddddddddddd yessssssssss mmmmmmmm" mixed with moans and whimpers dialect? Yeah, that's me right now. Oh, your story!

This, Mr. Dean, is brilliant. The sadistic fervor, the abject fear, the incredible perversity of it all leap from the story and attack a mind. Well, it attacks my mind. Due to the primal forces that have decided to lead my thoughts at the moment, the "me" part of it is all I'm really focused on right now.

No ripping and tearing from me. At least none to do on your story. No decoder ring and all. Besides, there are other things I'd rather rip and tear.

I see that little thing huddled up in the corner, frightened beyond comprehension, listening to the horrors that await her...

More, more, more! Significant supplication available if necessary.

~hugs Mr. Dean for sharing...and because I'm all worked up~
tessa :wave:

[moptop]

Moptop, you heartless, no good so-and-so!

Why, thank you!! :blurp_ani


I'll get on to your re-write and your next chapter in just a bit - after I've worked on my own assignment some!

Surprisingly enough, I have quite a lot to say... but do agree with Tessa - the spider-web girl - ooohhhhhhhh

[H Dean]

I'm not so good with division and numbers and time zones, so I'll leave that for you to work out. Convoluted messes, however, are my specialty. Let me know if you ever need any help with those. :)Making one or cleaning one up?


You know that language that people become fluent in when the pleasure takes over and rational thought flees? That "Oh godddddddddddd yessssssssss mmmmmmmm" mixed with moans and whimpers dialect? Yeah, that's me right now. WHere the hell is that camera?


Oh, your story!Story? No, I said camera. Where the hell is it?


This, Mr. Dean, is brilliant. The sadistic fervor, the abject fear, the incredible perversity of it all leap from the story and attack a mind. Well, it attacks my mind. Due to the primal forces that have decided to lead my thoughts at the moment, the "me" part of it is all I'm really focused on right now.Aw, shucks. It weren't all that and a can o' peaches. But I am glad ya liked it.


No ripping and tearing from me. At least none to do on your story. No decoder ring and all. Besides, there are other things I'd rather rip and tear.Where the hell is that camera?


I see that little thing huddled up in the corner, frightened beyond comprehension, listening to the horrors that await her...In the famous words of John Paul Jones - I have not yet begun to make her suffer!

Wait, something was amiss there.


More, more, more! Significant supplication available if necessary.Damned Camera...Marco! Marco! Fuck!


~hugs Mr. Dean for sharing...and because I'm all worked up~Will ya look at that...you're all stuck to me now. Where the hell is that camera?
tessa :wave:[/QUOTE]

[Rhabbi]

Francis’ guests arrived at precisely six o’clock in the evening. Failure to do so would have been a breach of etiquette and was severely frowned upon by the members of this special fraternity.

This sentence is just wrong. These people are pretentious, that is obvious. But the way you are saying this just does not work. I wish I could be specific about why I know it is wrong, but I can't.


Each guest was dressed in proper evening attire, as if attending a ball. Greeting them in the main foyer was Francis. At his side was a tall man, studious in appearance and dressed in the same fashion as the newly arrived guests. Few took particular note of the man, except to shake hands upon introduction.

The sentences give me pause also. The first is structured wrong according to word, and when I read it in cunjunction with the second, it feels off. I think you should use him in place of the man in the second sentence. As for the first sentence, delete the and and insert a comma. It reads better.


“Friends,” Francis began, “It is my pleasure to welcome you into my home. I do hope you find this night as enjoyable as I believe you will. Now, if you will, follow me into my study. I’ve some artwork I think you will find quite stunning.”

As the group entered the study, each was properly impressed. Antique rugs hung from all four walls, as did masterful paintings. Rich reds, offset by intricate patters, populated the thick carpeting on the room’s floor. Six heavy wooden chairs, padded in red velvet, and two matching sofas were among the simpler comforts the room had to offer. These were the least stunning of his decorations.

"These are amazingly realistic," a voice commented.

"I've a friend who is the director of a facility that creates these masterpieces,” he told them. “I have another piece in the works, as a matter of fact."

His guests milled around first one piece and then another, mumbling to their comrades.

A tall woman in her mid-fifties stood over a marble statue depicting a nymph pleasuring two satyrs. Smiling, she bent down to better appreciate the lifelike appearance of the statue. A whisper of approval brought the nymph's eyes open, sending chills down the woman’s spine.

”No!” she exclaimed. “Francis! She can’t be real. Is she?”

Francis laughed as he strode towards the older woman. "As you can see, one satyr has his cock in her mouth and the other in her ass. I won't go into all the plumbing, but there is a small machine that pumps food into her and another that cleans her out. You have noticed, I am sure, that her skin is not her own. It has, in fact, been covered with a permanent synthetic material.

I would restructure the start of the second sentence. I am beggining to see these people as the pretentios type who would always be conscious of proper use of the Queen's English. That makes dialogue an extra challenge as you can get away with less. Might even consider doing away with contractions to intensify this aura.

I would definately have some questions about this material. Skin needs to breathe, It also needs to be clean. It sheds. I know this because I was in the Navy. We spent weeks far from land, yet the floor kept getting dirty. Swab the deck 2x a day everyday, and the water was always black. this was shed skin.

This material, how does it deal with waste? Irritation? etc.


I won’t go into details about it now, but you will learn of its nature later."

“How is this possible?” she asked. “Can she move?”

”She is frozen in time, Beatrice,” Francis explained. “Forever a statue in service of monsters.”

This seems to me to totally throw off the flow. Saying frozen in time gives me the wrong idea here. My first thought was some type of time stop, but I do not believe that was your ultimate intention, else her eyes woul not open. Plus, if she is aware of her plight, it adds to the sadistic pleasure. Might want to redo this whole thing. Plus, the last part is a fragment, see my argument about prtension that I can feel through this whole party.


“I must have one,” she said, a hopeful look on her face.

"Perhaps that can be arranged," Francis said, a broad grin of satisfaction crossing his face.

"What about this one, is it real, too?" asked a tall, dark haired man.

"Ah, this one...my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to the man. "I had to have this adjusted somewhat. The spider webbing originally fed into her fingers, but that proved to be a bit problematic. It feeds into the back of her hands now. I'm rather partial to the change: It allows her fingers to move."

Reaching out, the man stroked the girl's leg, prompting her from her state of slumber. Her steel gray eyes blinked open, taking in the rare sight of strangers.

“It’s beautiful,” the man replied.

“Thank you. I wanted her to appear much like a painting,” Francis said. “My initial thought was of Fay Ray in the clutches of King Kong. Then I settled on an image from an old pulp fiction fantasy novel I read as a young man. I can’t recall the name of the book, but the image of a nearly naked girl trapped in a huge spider web was rather well imprinted.”

"Please, help me," whispered the girl, suddenly hopeful for freedom.

A chuckle of sadistic satisfaction rose from the crowd. They watched, entranced, as the naked girl swayed within her web of metal, fingers reaching out in a desperate attempt for help.

"Marvelous!" Beatrice issued. "Such hideous beauty. Such sadistic pleasures you must find in this beauty."

If you combine these sentences you eliminate the fragment and continue the air of pretension.


"More than I can express," Francis related. "There have been many nights when I have taken my seat across from her, enjoying her exquisite suffering, while Desk brought me to satisfaction."

"Desk? Who or what is Desk?" asked the woman.

Again, combing these sentences has a better effect. Also, I would change it to she asked.


Francis turned his gaze to the small desk at the far end of the room. It was made of dark oak and appeared well crafted and sturdy. From the center top of the desk, just beneath the desk’s top piece, could be seen the lower portions of a woman. Her bottom jutted out slightly and her feet spread wide and disappeared into the desk's thick legs. Had one not known better, one would swear that she was carved from the same wood as the desk

"She has relative freedom until locked into place," Francis told the small crowd. "When not in use for my sexual pleasures or cleaning, she is there. When unattended she has a pump attached to her posterior opening to clean out her wastes. Everything is handled through a synthetic colon, even her urinary functions."

"I assume that her upper half is useful when she is ensconced by the desk?" chuckled one of the guests.

"Please, feel free to look," Francis told the man.

One by one, Francis' guests made their path to the other side of the desk to admire its most impressive attributes.

“She must be a bit distracting when you are trying to work,” chuckled Frank, a tall gray haired man. “And I imagine her tits get in the way a bit, too.”

“It can be a bit trying, I’ll admit. Truly, it is not terribly practical. To be frank, if I may,” Francis said, smiling, “her position is merely to fulfill a fantasy of mine.”

"It appears you have modified the girl quite severely," the older woman said. “How is she secured in place?”

"Ah, yes. She is, in fact, a Christ-like figure," Francis said, smiling. "Her hands and feet have small holes through them. Titanium tubing fills the holes so they remain open and useful. She is held steady through steel pins that feed through the holes in her hands and feet. Her breasts have been greatly enlarged and are, in fact, still growing thanks to an implant her creator calls ‘silly string’. Her lips have been shaped and enlarged, her teeth have been replaced with a synthetic material and her skin, save for her head and breasts, has been permanently covered with the same synthetic material as my statue.”

"You said she has duties other than being a desk," Beatrice said. "That indicates that you trust her to be free in the house. That's a bit risky, if you ask me."

"Her mind is not what it once was. In fact, she has little recollection of the girl she was," Beatrice was informed. "Her only want in life is to be a pleasure toy. She has actually stated that she envies the other pieces I have here - wishes she were one of them."

"Interesting", the woman said.

“Ah, this is quite lovely as well,” issued another guest.

“That is my coat rack,” Francis informed the man. “She has been coated in the same synthetic skin as Desk and Statue, though her modifications are a bit different.”

“I assume her wastes are handled through the same means as your statue?” asked the man.

“The post running between her legs is for just that,” Francis said. “That and to aid in keeping her steady. Also, her rib cage has been re-enforced to support the coat hooks that jut out from her breasts. You may note, if you touch her breasts, that they are quite solid. This was, unfortunately, a must for her design.”

“Fascinating,” Beatrice said, a sadistic smile playing on her lips.

"Well, I think it's time for the party to get started," Francis exclaimed. "So, if there are no objections, I will free Desk from her place and have her get to her duties. Please, the dining room is down the hall and to the left."

Over dinner, Francis' guests spoke in grandly complementary words about his living furnishings. So fascinated and curious was his company, as to how they could acquire such things, that they barely noticed the man who had been so briefly introduced upon their arrival.

"It seems that you are all in agreement," Francis announced. "You all want what I have and you all want to know how it is done. Well, I have news for you. The man responsible for these creations is here.”

Their attention was immediate, as was the sudden silence filling the room. Anticipatory, each guest awaited the words that were to follow.

“He has been made fully aware of the status of each individual here,” Francis continued. “He knows your base interests and the truth about your, or our, illegal activities. However, as careful a man as he is, he wished to observe each of you before allowing me to compromise his profession.”

Francis paused for a moment, enjoying the sudden tension. He cast his eyes from one guest to another, enjoying their wide-eyed attention. Finally, Beatrice rose from her seat, her eyes burning into Francis.

“Damn it, man! You’re going to give us all heart attacks, you sadistic bastard!” she exclaimed, smiling.

Francis returned the smile, raising his arm in an open gesture to the man beside him. “Friends, let me re-introduce to you the director of the Chimera Foundation, Jerry O’Connell.”

All eyes turned towards the man sitting nearest to Francis. Smiling slightly, he raised his hand to his mouth and cleared his throat.

“It’s been awhile since I have been away from my facility for a night like this,” he began. “I admit to having a very enjoyable time. Your company and adoration of my works has been quite enjoyable. Were I a more easily influenced man my head would be swelled beyond the ridiculous. Francis?”

“Thank you, Jerry,” Francis said, regaining the attention of his guests. “Now, let’s retire to my study. I have an amusement planned; one I am sure you will all enjoy.”

As I said, a much better feel to this story, thus the feel of it comes across better. I hope my nits will be something that you see as working for the story, but you may have a different feel for the prtensious aura I see. I do get the feeling that they would consider themselves superior to the "art" on dispay, and that is why i would suggest going for the proper use of english. As Carrie Fisher once said, "Some things can only be said with an English accent."

[H Dean]

Rhabbi, I just read over your offering. Your thoughts are most appreciated. As I am sure you noticed, the majority of your nits were made over the newer additions to my story. When I do go back for another edit I will try to keep your comments in mind. I might even return here to visit the red marks.

I must have failed in one area. These people are not pretentious so much as secretive. I will have to adjust my narrative to indicate this. While I do want them to possess an aire of superiority, I don't want that to be over blown.


I would definately have some questions about this material. Skin needs to breathe, It also needs to be clean. It sheds. I know this because I was in the Navy. We spent weeks far from land, yet the floor kept getting dirty. Swab the deck 2x a day everyday, and the water was always black. this was shed skin.

This material, how does it deal with waste? Irritation? etc.I chuckled when I read this. It is one of the nits I have had with so many latex and rubber transformation stories I have read. Rest assured that I have answered the question to a large degree - we just aren't there yet. It is addressed in another story, though.


This seems to me to totally throw off the flow. Saying frozen in time gives me the wrong idea here. My first thought was some type of time stop, but I do not believe that was your ultimate intention, else her eyes woul not open. Plus, if she is aware of her plight, it adds to the sadistic pleasure.You've no idea how much I liked that "frozen in time" bit. But I do see your point. I do need to adjust that and come up with something more descriptive of her state. I imagine I will adjust that when next I edit. But I am going to keep the "forever in service of monsters". I really liked that phrase.


I do get the feeling that they would consider themselves superior to the "art" on dispay, and that is why i would suggest going for the proper use of english. As Carrie Fisher once said, "Some things can only be said with an English accent."Their feelings of superiority are not what they appear to be. These thigns will, I hope, become more evident as the story continues and with my edits, as well. Mostly, these are sadistic people who are extremely appreciative of art and eroticism. They have managed, thanks to their wealth, to combine both interests. I may move to indicate this in the narrative or in a prologue. I don't know yet.

Anyway, I do appreciate your input. You seem to be quite good at it. You are also lots nicer than I am, though not as good looking.

[tessa]

~strolls in, all ripped and torn, muttering in that strange language, moaning a little too loudly as I place something on Mr. Dean's cluttered desk~

:camera2:

~strolls back out, determined to become coherent in the next few moments so that I can explain to Mr. Dean that I am quite competent in the making of and in the cleaning up of convoluted messes~

:wave:

[Ruby]

First of all, I wish to say that your helpful comments were all considered for my first edit of this story. No comments were ignored and all were appreciated. Now, since you were all so helpful, willing and kind, I am posting my first edit of this tale.

I don't know when I will get to my next edit. I do prefer to let my stories sit a bit before the third edit - don't want it to be too fresh or I miss all sorts of crap. Now, here is the first edit of chapter 1...

Very nice changes. I, too, usually let my stories sit for awhile before editing. Rhabbi made some excellent suggestions. I'll just tackle a few that might be handled a bit differently. Then when you go back you can take what you like and ditch the rest.



Chapter 1

Francis’ guests arrived at precisely six o’clock in the evening. Failure to do so would have been a breach of etiquette severely frowned upon by the members of this special fraternity. Each guest had dressed in proper evening attire, as if attending a ball. Francis greeted them in the main foyer. At his side stood a tall man, studious in appearance and dressed in the same fashion as the newly arrived guests. Few took particular note of the stranger, except to shake hands upon introduction.

“Friends,” Francis began, “It is my pleasure to welcome you into my home. I do hope you find this night as enjoyable as I believe you will. Please, follow me into my study. I’ve some artwork I think you may find quite stunning.”

The repetitive use of the word "will" is distracting.
Shortening the dialogue and using a bit more proper English could help the tone you want to set for Francis and his entourage.



“How is this possible?” she asked. “Can she move?”

”I like to think she is frozen in place, Beatrice,” Francis explained. “Her role is to be forever a statue in service of monsters.”

or

"Her role is a statue in service of monsters, forever."

By moving the word "forever" to the end of the sentence, it adds more emphsasis that this lovely creature isn't going to escape.




"Ah, this one...my most recent piece," Francis said, striding over to the man. "I had to have this adjusted somewhat. The spider webbing originally fed into her fingers, but that proved to be a bit problematic. It feeds into the back of her hands now. I'm rather partial to the change, it allows her fingers to move."

...

"Marvelous!" Beatrice issued - this one made me laugh. I think exclaimed works better.. "Such hideous beauty. Such sadistic pleasures you must find in this beauty."

...

Francis turned his gaze to the small desk at the far end of the room. Made of dark oak, it appeared well crafted and sturdy. From the center top of the desk, just beneath the desk’s top piece, could be seen the lower portions of a woman. Her bottom jutted out slightly and her feet spread wide disappearing into the desk's thick legs. Had one not known better, one would swear that she was carved from the same wood as the desk.

...

"Her mind is not what it once was. In fact, she has little recollection of the girl she was," Francis informed Beatrice. "Her only want in life is to be a pleasure toy. She has actually stated that she envies the other pieces I have here - wishes she were one of them."

"Interesting," the woman said.

“Ah, this is quite lovely as well,” said another guest.


Sometimes it's less distracting to use the word "said".




Their immediate attention filled the room with sudden silence. Anticipatory, each guest awaited the words that were to follow.

...

Francis paused for a moment, enjoying the sudden tension. He cast his eyes from one guest to another, enjoying their wide-eyed attention. Finally, Beatrice rose from her seat, her eyes burning into Francis.

Perhaps one of the enjoying can be changed to savoring or another word.

---

Mr. Dean, I must agree with Tessa who wrote:
This, Mr. Dean, is brilliant. The sadistic fervor, the abject fear, the incredible perversity of it all leap from the story and attack a mind. Well, it attacks my mind.

Yes, it does attack the mind. And it's wickedly delightful!

Thank you for sharing this masterpiece in progress.

Ruby
:rose:

[H Dean]

Ah, ruby. So nice to hear from you. I must admit that I was relieved at not seeing too many red commas in my work. Proper punctuation is the most difficult aspect of writing for me. Well, other than the writing. Heh.

I am going to let this sit for a bit. I probably won't even edit the second chapter until I have a few more chapters in pocket. As you know, editing when you are too close is a killer. It's almost as bad as putting up a story right after you have rushed through it. I plead that such was so for my first few stories and vow never to let that happen again.

Thank you for taking the time to offer your two cents worth.

[Ruby]

And thank you for being bold enough to give the students a great example.

I imagine that after letting those chapters sit for awhile, you would have read through them with an editor's eye and caught most of the suggestions given.

Huge hugs and squeezes,

Ruby

[H Dean]

And thank you for being bold enough to give the students a great example.It was both a pleasure and a pleasant experience.

I imagine that after letting those chapters sit for awhile, you would have read through them with an editor's eye and caught most of the suggestions given.I would like to thinks so. Then again, maybe not.


Huge hugs and squeezes,

RubyBe careful Ruby. We are both in Southern Ccalifornia, and I am not above stalking. I have a permit for it.

[tessa]

Be careful Ruby. We are both in Southern California, and I am not above stalking. I have a permit for it.

If that happens, can I watch??

~:o but moans a lil' anyway just thinking of it~

[Rhabbi]

dean, loved the chance to pull apart your work, and I am glad I was of some help. It also helped me with my work. Although I am tempted to attack chapter 2, I cannot at this time. Somehow my computer ate my story, and I have to start my revisions over. I used chapter 1 as an excuse not to do this, but as Mad and Lews will be back soon, I need to finish so they do not run around attacking those who are not ready for them.

[H Dean]

Try doing a search for .doc files. After the search is complete have the files arranged according to date. I would bet you will find the "eaten" file.

As for chapter 2 - do with it what you will. I am well on to chapter 5 by now and trying to get away from the memories of 1,2,3 and 4. Also, chapter 2 is somewhat modified from what is posted already. I will, since Tessa is so in need, post the other chapters, raw as they are. You can critique those or not - I never intended to post the entire tale here until Tessa got up in my lap and started begging.

Fucking dialogue. Why did I decide to write a story that was mostly dialogue? I must be masochistic or something.

Tessa, ya listneing?

[Rhabbi]

Thanks for the tips, but I already tried that. I even ran recover to look at the deleted files. It looks like I actually overwrote the new file with an old one somehow, have no idea what button I pushed to do that. Anyway, the new rewrite is coming out better.

[tessa]

Tessa, ya listneing?

~smiles from where I sit in the corner~

Heard every word, Mr. Dean.

:wave:

[H Dean]

For you, Tessa, I have posted chapter 2-4. Do keep in mind that I have not proofed, edited or otherwise modified these from their original form. Much of it is ideas waiting to be better fleshed after I finish the tale.

I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 2


“Jerry,” Beatrice began, cozying into a large, velvet padded chair, “how is it that you came to creating such masterpieces as these?”

“It’s a long story, my dear,” Jerry replied.

“Jerry, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ted Dunhill. I must say that I am as curious as Beatrice about your skills, education and how you came to do what you do. Couldn’t you entreat us with a bit about yourself?”

Jerry smiled, seeing the curiosity in the eyes of all the attendees. “I am afraid that my past, indeed my beginnings and education are of little consequence. More importantly, I wish to leave the past where it is; in the firm grasp of historians and scholars.”

“A man of mystery, I see,” Beatrice mused. “I think we can all respect that. After all, we all have some rather dark secrets of our own.”

Chuckles and nodded agreements filled the room. Finally, as the moment died down, Francis stood up to gather the attention of his guests.

“Friends,” Francis began, “I’ve a surprise for you. One I think you will find quite interesting, especially as it pertains to a new form of entertainment.”

“Do tell, Francis,” said Eric, a middle aged man with close-cropped hair. “Your entertainments are always quite enjoyable, but I find it hard to believe it could be any more entertaining than any of your previous entertainments.”

“Desk,” Francis said, “Please bring in the girl.”

Desk immediately scampered to action. A few moments of anticipatory silence passed before Desk returned, pushing a rolling platform on which rested an “X” shaped crucifix adorned with a gagged and naked girl.

“Exquisite,” Beatrice exclaimed. “What tortures have you planned for her? Or are we free to torture her as we like?”

“Ah, I have something far different in mind,” Francis replied. “You see, this creature is to be my next piece of living art. My trouble is that my imagination is a bit lacking. I thought you all might provide me with some ideas.”

The girl was clearly frightened. Tears, long dried, stained her perfect, white skin. Her breathing was quick and shallow, occasionally shuddering within the throws of her recent crying.

“Let me introduce you to everyone, my dear,” Francis said to the girl. Then, gesturing to each guest, he introduced the girl to his company. “First, our guest of honor. His name is Jerry O’Connell. You will come to know him quite well. To your immediate left is Benjamin, and sitting beside him is Beatrice. To her right is Ted, Frank, Roger, Mia, Donald, Terrence, James and, finally, Eric.”

The girl’s eyes met each of his guest’s eyes, fearing their intent, yet hopeful one might aid in her release. When, finally, the introductions were complete, her eyes came to rest on the creature trapped within the web of metal on Francis’ wall. Eyes wide, she stared, wondering if the creature was real.

“Ah, so you admire her too?” Francis said, noticing her fascination. “She was once a girl, just as you are now.. Her name is ‘Art’, though it was once Lindsey.”

Turning her to the left, he introduced her to the apparent statue. “The nymph was once a girl named Adriana. She is now called ‘Statue’. Quite beautiful, isn’t she?”

Turning the girl again, he pointed to a tall marble colored girl. “That is ‘Coatrack’. You may notice the hooks jutting from her breasts. Otherwise she would just be another statue.”

Tears began anew as Francis turned the frightened girl to face the crowd again.

“Sweetheart, I am going to remove your gag, I know it is uncomfortable. I do hope you will have the courtesy not to scream,” Francis said. “I don’t want to gag you again.”

“They aren’t real are they?” the girl asked, after the gag’s removal. “It isn’t possible. Is it?”

“Desk,” Francis commanded. “Secure the door, please.

Again, Desk scampered to fulfill her orders, locking the heavy door before bringing the key to Francis.

“I will let you see for yourself,” he said to the crucified girl, releasing her from her bondage.

Upon release the girl bolted for the door. Finding it locked, she struggled; refusing to believe it was so. Finally, understanding the futility of her situation, she stopped and looked back at the on looking crowd. Her blue eyes burned out beneath her jet black hair as she stared, terrible fear apparent to all.

All eyes were upon the girl, intently studying her every motion, waiting for her to discover what she must. Finally, after crossing eyes, once again, with each member of the sadistic crowd, she approached the coat rack. Briefly, her hands moved to cover her suddenly remembered nakedness; only to reach out as she neared the terrible object before her.

“It’s not real,” she said, refusing to believe the truth of Francis’ words. “It’s not.”

None replied to the girl, entranced in the moment. Instead, they merely watched the girl as she came to stand before the living coat rack.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but it’s not real!” she exclaimed, her voice nasal from her crying.

Turning back to the thing before her, she reached out to touch it. It was warm, not cold as she imagined it would be. A quick glance back at her captor brought more defiant words.

“I told you,” she said, before looking back to see the coat racks bright green eyes staring back at her.

“Oh God,” she muttered, backing away from the coat rack. “No, no, no, no no.”

Eyes wide and mouth agape, she turned to Francis’ guests, unable to voice more than she had. Her breath became ragged and shallow and she sank to the floor, staring at nothing. Finally, she quieted and pulled her knees to her chest, silently rocking back and forth. For the next several minutes she sat, oblivious to all, rocking and crying. Finally, she looked up, wet faced and frightened.

“They’re real…all of them, aren’t they?” she said. “You weren’t lying, were you?”

Francis smiled, walking slowly to where she sat. He knelt down and stroked her long hair. She looked at him, still dazed.

“Why?” she asked. “Why would you do that?”

“Your name is Monique, isn’t it?” Francis asked the girl. “Come with me, Monique. Let me show you true beauty.”

Taking her hand, Francis helped her gain her feet. Weak of knee, she allowed him to guide her to where the girl hung on the wall.

“Please,” Monique whispered, pulling weakly, to free herself from Francis’ grasp.

“You see, this is more than she would ever be,” Francis whispered. “Touch her.”

“She looks like a painting,” Monique breathed, her eyes taking in the entirety of the piece before her.

“So she is,” Francis said. “She is a painting. Now, touch her.”

Monique looked to Francis and then to the girl on the wall. Nodding her head, she whispered, “I can’t.”

“That’s all right, Monique. Watch,” he told her.

Francis reached out to the girl on the wall and quickly trailed his finger along her rib cage. She jerked from the startling stimulation, a whispered scream escaping her lips.

“Oh God!” Monique cried out. “Please, please, please. Let me go. Just let me go. I won’t tell anyone. Please…”

The eyes of the on looking crowd never wavered. The terror and emotional strain on the girl was far too great to pry their eyes from. So they sat, silent and watchful, breathing in shallow and controlled breaths, not wanting to disturb the fascinating scene that played out before them.

“It’s all right, Monique,” Francis cooed. “You’ll pass out if you keep this up. Take a breath. Don’t worry, sweetheart, there is only one more piece to show you.

She screamed, suddenly, begging and struggling against Francis as he pulled her towards the statue. He pulled the girl against him, holding her small form pressed to his chest, cooing into her ear. Finally, she calmed enough to see what he wished to show her. So, kneeling down with his charge, he displayed to her the statue.

“You see, I wanted a statue that was hideous and beautiful, pornographic and erotic,” he told her. “I wanted it to be a study in contrasts. What could fit those better than a nymph making love to monstrous creatures?”

Monique said nothing, her eyes locked unknowingly on the contrasting textures of the statue. The nymph, lovely and pleasing to the eye, appeared to be of polished marble, while the satyrs ghastly appearance seemed more roughly hewn. So, while Francis’ spoke, she remained steady on the transfixing contrast between the beauty and the beasts.

“Finally,” Francis continued, “I wanted to find a contrast between the fanciful and the horrifying. I think I have accomplished that here.”

As his last word left his lips, he leaned towards the nymph’s ear. Expected as it was, Monique recoiled at the statue’s opened eyes. After a moment of speechless fright, she passed out.

“It seems she is a bit of a delicate sort,” Francis muttered, as he lifted the small girl into his arms.

“Astonishingly awful.”

“I assume you meant that in a positive way, Mia,” Francis said as he placed his charge at the room’s center.

“Beyond positive, Francis,” Mia responded, her voice breathy. “Already, you have surpassed…I’ve never seen suffering quite like this.”

Francis winked at the woman, pleased to have her approval. Then, looking around the room, he observed his comrades discussing the events they had just witnessed, listening as best he could, hearing only positive comments.

Hideous. Wonderful, Erotic, Sadist. Those are just some of the words I can describe this night with, Francis,” Beatrice gushed. “I know you have more planned, my boy. Don’t keep us waiting too long.”

“Worry not. The night’s activities have just begun,” he told her.



Chapter 3


Alone and naked, the girl sat, arms wrapped around her knees. A circle of bright light surrounded her, leaving the rest of the room a dull and unfocussed gray. Around her, the voices of her tormentors spoke in low tones, waiting for Francis to announce his plans.

“Friends,” he started. “The night is still young. At least younger than we are, and I have a plan that veers from the beaten path.

“We do like to beat the path,” Eric chuckled, gaining the approved laughter of all.

“Our standard procedures are different than what I have planned,” Francis continued. “Usually, we act. Tonight, we plan.”

“I’m not sure we follow you,” Beatrice said.

“Patience, Beatrice,” Francis said. “Desk, see to the girl.”

The girl watched, detached from her reality, as Desk appeared within the circle of light. Whispers of motion and the click of locks were the only sounds heard as Desk secured leather cuffs to the girl’s extremities. After completing her task, Desk departed the light, leaving the girl bound as she had been; seated and with all four appendages locked together.

For many moments the room was silent. All eyes were on the girl who was inspecting her bondage in a surprisingly calm manner. Finally, as the girl ceased her inspection, she sat her head on her knees gave over to the strange serenity that encompassed her.

“This girl, Monique, is to be the next piece in my collection,” Francis said, his tone soft and steady. “As you have seen, I have a painting, a statue, a coat rack and a desk. These are the things I have had commissioned. Unfortunately, I have run a bit dry on ideas. Tonight, in the presence of the man who is the creator of so many fine pieces, we will discuss what this girl is to become.”

“You are an evil one, my boy,” Beatrice hissed.

“Thank you,” Francis said. “Now, it is time we commenced with our evening.”

Quiet settled upon the room as each guest studied the girl, watching as Francis’ words sank in. Amidst the silence, the girl began to get fidgety, her hands rubbing the bindings that held her. Sweat beaded on her skin, contrasting with the goose bumps that rose from her flesh. Tears welled up in her eyes, falling to her knees and running down her legs as fear made its way back into her reality.

“Please…” she whispered, softly sobbing.

“Tell us Jerry,” Mia began, “how it is that the statue is possible? It will help us in our task for the evening if we better know how such things are made.”

“In the case of these pieces, each was subjected to permanent hair removal,” Jerry began. “After that we processed them internally, removing unnecessary internal workings, or those that might cause difficulties. They are sterilized, as you probably surmised, though to a more thorough degree than you may have envisioned.”

“Interesting,” Eric said. “Do continue.”

“Their waste functions are entirely routed to a reservoir above a synthetic colon,” Jerry said. “A pressure valve holds the waste in the reservoir until the disposal system is in place or until forced open by internal pressure.”

Monique listened intently to Jerry’s monologue, horrified by what she heard. Nervously, she fidgeted with the cuffs that held her fast, hoping she could discover a way to escape.

“The statue and the coat rack,” Jerry continued, “are slightly more modified. Each of these has been implanted with devices that block voluntary muscle control, while inducing a state of constant contraction. Essentially, this leaves them in a state of paralysis while ensuring there is no atrophy. Of course, not every muscle, or group of muscles, is immobilized. Such would cause death.”

“I imagine this is a painstaking process,” Mia said.

“Initially, yes. However, we have progressed in leaps and bounds. The immobilization process is handled through mechanical means, now,” Jerry answered.

“Why?” Monique whispered. “Why would you do that? Why?”

Silence gripped the room, once again as they watched and listened to the girl’s pleas. Shaking and staring up into the light, she cried, silently mumbling to the room.

“Why?” she demanded of them, her voice suddenly loud and filled with anger. “How could you do that?”

They watched quietly, her actions thrilling them. Only when she put her head down to her knees did anyone speak.

“Tell them about their skin,” Francis prodded.

“Originally, I developed it to aid the recovery of burn victims,” Jerry told them. “Events prevented this application, though I did manage to find another use for it.”

“I don’t understand how it can be permanent, though,” Mia said. “Skin continually breaks down and regenerates.”

Jerry leaned forward, the light bringing ominous shadows to his face, irritated at the thoughtless question. “Worry not, my dear. It sweats, it breathes. Old skin is passed through as it breaks down. I know what I am doing.”

Mia stared at the man’s intense and shadowed face, aware of his irritation. A chill ran up her spine, suddenly fearful of the man.

“I am sort if I offended you, Jerry,” she said. “Please accept my apology.”

“Accepted, my dear.”

Intent stares followed Jerry as he leaned back out of the light. No one spoke, waiting and hoping Francis would break the tension in the room. But it was Beatrice who boldly broke the silence.

“What are our limitations, Jerry?” she asked. “Or should we shout out, willy-nilly, ideas?”

“Beatrice, I do not think you do anything ‘willy-nilly’,” Jerry replied. “You, my dear, appear to be as calculating as you are wise.”

“You make me blush, sir,” she said, pleased with his complement.



Chapter 4


“Do tell us, Francis. Are there any pieces we have yet to see?” Frank inquired.

“These are all that I have,” Francis said.

“Well then, we should commence with our task,” Frank replied.

Beatrice leaned forward, casting herself into the light. “Such a lovely thing, you are, Monique. So small and well formed. Do you think you would like larger breasts? You would look quite exotic with breasts twice the size of your head.”

Blinking at the cruel woman, Monique shivered. Images of herself with breasts too large to carry filled her mind, bringing tears to her eyes. “No,” she whispered.

“I’ve always wanted a mermaid,” Mia said. “But how would you make the tail?

“I imagine Jerry could fuse her legs together and cover them with his synthetic skin,” Francis suggested.

“Exactly,” Jerry said. “We have just such a project in the works. Her heels would also be removed for aesthetic reasons.”

Monique stared at her feet, listening to her inner dialogue, torn between childhood fantasy and real life horror. “I don’t want to be a mermaid,” she muttered.

“I’m sorry, dear heart, what was that?” Beatrice asked.

“I don’t want to be a mermaid,” she said.

“I don’t think it’s your choice,” Beatrice taunted. “You no longer have a choice in anything.”

“I do, you witch!” Monique hissed, anger finding its way to the surface.

Leaning close to the girl, Beatrice smiled. “Look at yourself. You are naked and bound in a room full of people who are deciding your fate. What choice do you have?”

Monique glared at the woman. “Let me go and I will show you what choice I have.”

“She would be lovely on the prow of a ship, don’t you think?” another voice asked.

“Yes,” Francis said, “she would be lovely. But I don’t have a boat.”

Chuckles rose about the room.

“I do like Beatrice idea. Breasts that are too big to carry,” Francis said. “Monique, I do think we are on our way.”

The girl looked up to where the voice came from, her eyes sad and teary.

“Haven’t you always wanted bigger breasts, dear?” Beatrice taunted. “Tell me you haven’t shaken your ass for the attentions of a man.”

“Fuck you!” the girl screamed.

“Maybe later you will get the chance to fuck me. Have you ever eaten pussy?

“You sick bitch,” she screamed at her tormentor.

Suddenly, Monique bucked towards the woman, in a futile attempt to kick her. Beatrice laughed at the struggling girl, grabbing her by the hair.

“Soon, very soon, you will be an inanimate object. Or maybe you will be an animal; a house pet or a mermaid,” Beatrice said. “Maybe a bitch to service dogs. Maybe Jerry can help you grow fur and make your face into a muzzle. How would you like that?”

Looking up from the girl, Beatrice looked towards Jerry, holding the girls head back. “What about that Jerry? Is it possible to turn her into a dog; a hairy mutt with paws and a muzzle?”

“It is quite possible,” Jerry said. “She would not be the first to undergo such a transformation.

“Give us a bark, princess,” Beatrice demanded, still holding the girl by her hair..

“No!”

“Oh, you’ll bark,” she said, reaching for the girl’s right nipple.

“Fuck you!” Monique screamed.

Nails dug into the soft flesh of the girl’s breast, pulling and gouging at her sensitive nipple.

“Bark,” Beatrice demanded again. “Show me what kind of bitch you can be!”

“No!” came the screamed response. More screams came from the girl as her right breast was tormented.

Beatrice released her nipple and slid her hand down between the girl’s legs, digging her fingers inside the girl’s sex. “You’ll bark now, bitch!”

Screams and growls of pain filled the room, as the girl was tortured until, at long last, the girl could take no more.

“Arf!”

“Again,” the woman demanded.

“Arf!” she screamed. “Arf, arf, arf. Please, stop. Please.”

“From now on, when I say ‘Speak’ you are to bark,” Beatrice commanded. “If you don’t I will rip your cunt from your body. Now, speak!”

“Arf!”

Releasing her hold, Beatrice patted the girl on her head. “Good girl.”

Falling to her side upon release from Beatrice’s cruel hands, Monique panicked. Lost in confusion and fear, her tearful crying became a fit. She shook and shuddered, issuing strange words from her mouth. Cries for her mother and father were heard as she negotiated with no one for her freedom. Then, at long last, she rested her head on the deep red carpeting and fell into an open-eyed trance.

[Aussiegirl1]

Hey Dean,

I haven't had the chance to reply to this yet, as I was away for a few days and had limited Internet access.

I think it is a great thing you are doing here. I for one know what thought and planning you put into your stories. To share that with the students is not only very brave but very helpful too.

Thank you for including me in your list of good writers, you know how much you opinion means to me!

As to your story, I am going to leave it to the students to have fun nit-picking it, since they are doing such a good job! You know how much I have enjoyed you O'Connell stories, and this one is no exception. It is sexy, creepy and oh so compelling.

[H Dean]

I think it is a great thing you are doing here. I for one know what thought and planning you put into your stories. In talking to a lot of the folks who are here to improve I noticed that their work is far better than they think. I thought it would be helpful for them to see one of our stories as it is constructed - so they can see how shitty it starts. Hop[efully it will help their confidence.


To share that with the students is not only very brave but very helpful too. Hells fire, girl! That ain't brave. I've had good reviews from the best authors here, I had Mad or Lews ask me to help with Level 4, I have had fan mail and, above all, I have you as one of my fans...crap, if I didn't have confidence in what I write by now....well, how neurotic would I have to be? It wasn't brave...but it was quite thoughtful of me. It shows just how wonderful a person I really am.


Thank you for including me in your list of good writers, you know how much you opinion means to me! How could I not? Your stories have a feel that few authors can manage. Also, I have never seen anyone improve as quickly as you did. It was a joy to watch you get better with each story you offered up.


As to your story, I am going to leave it to the students to have fun nit-picking it, since they are doing such a good job! You know how much I have enjoyed you O'Connell stories, and this one is no exception. It is sexy, creepy and oh so compelling.Well, the latest post with my new story was really just for Tessa's pleasure. I had no intention of showing more of this travesty until it was edited and edited and edited and then edited some more. I just hope it works okay for those who are reading it in its rawest form.

Well, see ya later. I am off...not like Mad is off, though. He is like the headless horseman on speed.

[tessa]

~sighs satisfi-ed-ly~ Well that was worth the effort. :)

Mr. Dean. Mr. Mr. Mr. Dean! ~smiles and smiles~ In a word, exquisite. Exqusite! This mental torture just flat out does it for me. Does it for me rather brilliantly, I should add.

I am all over thrilled that you've posted this so I can have the experience of this masterpiece of yours. My sincere appreciation and thanks.

~hugs Mr. Dean in a most inappropriately appropriate way~

tessa :wave:

[H Dean]

Ah, Tess, you are terribly complementary. My ego has swelled to where even I cannot contain it.

[tessa]

~hands you the 5 gallon drum of Astroglide~

Use it all up and yeah, maybe that'll hold it.

No, not for your ego, Mr. Dean. They don't make containers that big. :p

Besides, who'd want that contained anyway? It's much better all spread out and free to be. ~glances over at Mr. Dean's ego~ At least I think so. Be like fencing in a wild stallion. Just wouldn't be right.

And I don't think I'm so terrible at complementing others. Or complimenting them, come to think of it. I guess it all depends on perspective. :)

tessa :wave:

[H Dean]

Tessa - This is for you, my dear.

Chapter 5


“She looks so peaceful, yet so tortured,” Mia observed. “I wonder what she’s thinking.”

“Wondering what it would be like to be a furry bitch, I am sure,” Beatrice said.

“I’m not sure I would want a dog,” Francis said, his head cocked as he stared into Monique’s unblinking eyes. “Desk, sit her up, please.”

“Such a polite man, Francis. Even to your things,” Beatrice said as she watched Desk right the girl.

“I wonder,” Ted started, “how she would look as part of a coffee table, Francis.”

“Hmm, how do you mean?” Francis asked.

“Well, she could lay on her belly, back arched and with her legs bent and holding up one end of the table,” Ted explained. “Her arms could be in front of her and bent upwards to hold up the other end. You could even have her head poking through the top of the table, mouth open to use as an ashtray.”

“Intriguing,” Beatrice mused. “Or perhaps she could face upwards, lifting her body in a similar fashion, breasts up, head hanging back, mouth open. My vision has her body beneath a glass tabletop with her breasts jutting up through the glass. Perhaps the only part not encased in Jerry’s lovely skin.”

“Interesting,” Francis said.

“Imagine the terrible tortures you could put her breasts through,” Beatrice said.

“Yes, but I am looking for less for form and function than I am for art,” Francis reminded them. “Anyone can objectify. I want to improve upon her beauty. As I said before, I want artful contradictions.”

“I don’t want to be a table,” came a small voice.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Beatrice asked, amused.

“I don’t want to be a table. You can’t make me,” Monique said, her voice becoming excited. “You can’t make me into a table.”

“But just think of, it child,” Beatrice said sadistically. “You would be lovely. Perhaps you could be an oak table, with cup holders where your breasts are. Your mouth would be the perfect ashtray. Imagine how perfect you would be.”

“Why are you people doing this? What did I do to you?

“I’ve got an idea, Francis,” Beatrice exclaimed, ignoring the girl’s question. “She could be a dairy cow. Imagine fresh milk every morning.”

“How can you do this?” Monique cried.

“Do you want a more technical description, or was that rhetorical?” Beatrice taunted the girl. “Jerry, can you tell us what it might take to make this lovely creature into a milk producing cow?”

“Well,” Jerry began, “we would start by triggering a sort of puberty. In fact, we call it ‘re-puberty’, though it isn’t entirely accurate. Essentially, our process triggers the body to produce significantly higher levels of certain hormones, while suppressing others. The resulting effect is an increase in breast mass, milk production, a slight increase in height and substantial increases in fatty tissues throughout the body.”

“What kind of milk production are you talking about?” Ted asked.

“Well, milk production can vary, though a standard cow can produce three to four liters of milk per breast every day.” Jerry said. “Some produce more and some less. Though, they must be milked regularly, just like any dairy cow.”

“Would you like that, Monique?” Beatrice asked from the shadows. “Would you like to be a milk cow?”

Hearing nothing from the girl, Eric spoke up. “You said she would have an increase in fatty tissues. How fat would she get?”

“Including the breasts, an weight gain of a hundred and fifty pounds is not uncommon,” Jerry replied.

“And we could give her black and white cow hair, could we not?” Beatrice asked, her voice almost giddy at the torment she was inflicting on Monique’s psyche.

“That we could,” Jerry answered, triggering more tears and whispers from the captive.

“What’s that my dear?” Beatrice asked, “It sounds like you are asking God to help you. Unfortunately, there is no god to help you. There are only us devils.”

“This isn’t fair,” she whispered. “I’ve been good. I don’t deserve this.”

Francis leaned from his chair and settled in beside the girl, touching the back of her head tenderly. The girl raised her head from the hiding place of her knees, eyes hopeful.

“Monique, it is not all so bad as it seems,” he told her, his voice soft and understanding. “I know that you are afraid. I know that you don’t want to be anymore than you are. But you must trust that, when I choose what you are to become, it will be beautiful. Fear not, no matter how Beatrice taunts, you will not be anything so hideous as a cow, nor mundane as a table. You will be more than the sum of your parts. I promise.”

Monique’s eyes widened, her hope crumbling as the last of his words reached her ears. Her mouth open, she begged for release in an unintelligible moan. Leaning into him, she buried her head in his chest, words rushing from her mouth like bricks toppling under a wrecking ball.

“This can’t happen,” she finally managed. “Please, please, don’t do this. You don’t have to do this. I can be beautiful now. You don’t have to do this.”

Francis held the girl to him, comforting her. “You won’t understand until you have made this last step. But you will,” he said.

“No. I won’t,” she stammered, her voice honking with her words. “I’ll never understand. I’ll just die. If you do anything to me, I’ll just die. Please…”

“No, you will live for as long as life has given you to live, and you will be more beautiful than any before you,” he told her, returning to his seat. “Now, friends, do try to remember that I want something beautiful. A cow certainly does not fit that description.”

“Well, I think cows are beautiful,” Beatrice said wryly.

Everyone laughed.

[tessa]

This story of yours, Mr. Dean, just keeps getting more and more and more exceptional as it goes! It's a feeding frenzy for the acutely perverted synapses of my mind. I can see this playing out in my head, every character and conversation so real to me. That's art. Purely so.

What a rush of reading! I honestly don't know what I am going to do with myself. Well, that's not true. I actually do know what I am going to do with myself..

;)

My most sincere appreciation and gratitude, Mr. Dean.

~hugs~
tessa

[H Dean]

You're going to get the milk bucket, aren't you?

[tessa]

You're going to get the milk bucket, aren't you?

More like the vat.

:wave:

[Rabbit1]

My hat is tipped at this Mr Dean ---a great way to teach is by example ---I do enjoy your stories very much ---and I am not much of a nit picker ---

well done

and thanks

[H Dean]

Thanks Rabbit - for all your kind words.

[H Dean]

Here you are, Tessa


Chapter 6



“Well,” Ted said. “It appears that we are nearly back to square one. The only suggestion that seems to be headed in the direct you want, Francis, is a fuller bust.”

“Yes,” Francis replied. “It should be relatively practical, too. A mermaid, lovely though she may be, is not practical. Not without a rather large aquarium. Since I don’t have a boat, well…”

“I am a bit fixated on the mermaid, though,” Mia interrupted. “Practical or not, she has the long and full hips I always imagined a mermaid to have. I’m sorry, I am not much help.”

Francis smiled, agreeing with Mia. “She does have a pleasing shape, and I do agree. But I don’t think I want an aquarium.”

“What about a fountain?” Beatrice asked. “Mia is right about the girl being perfect as a mermaid. Perhaps you could put a fountain in your foyer: a mermaid fountain.”

Monique looked into the darkness from whence the suggestion had come, returning to the present once again. A moan escaped her lips and she began struggling against her bonds.

“An excellent idea, Beatrice,” Francis admitted. “I wouldn’t mind having a small koi pond.”

Murmurings of approval surrounded the struggling girl.

“So, Jerry, what do you think? Could you mold her into a fountain?” Beatrice asked.

Monique looked up, trying to remember where Jerry was seated, unable to see him outside her circle of light.

“Assuming Francis could plum the foyer, it is quite possible, “Jerry answered. “I would have to have one of my engineers draw up the plans, but it could be done.”

Staring down at the girl, who was rediscovering her distress, Beatrice beckoned Jerry to continue. “Please elaborate, Jerry. How could this be accomplished?”

“As I envision it, after the main processing, her legs would be fused from the knees down,” Jerry began.

“What do you mean by ‘main processing’?” Beatrice asked, still staring at the girl.

“The internal processing; sterilization, hair removal, waste and organ modification. That sort of thing,” Jerry said.

“Would you remove her teeth, as well?” Beatrice asked, enjoying the girl’s growing fear.

“Teeth and nails. Anything that, in her modified state, might be useless or prove hazardous,” Jerry said.

“Do go on,” Beatrice said, a broad smile on her face.

“As I said, her legs would be fused from the knees down. We might even remove her feet, though the final design would determine that,” Jerry explained. “I envision her high above the water, her back arched, thrusting her breasts outward, as if she had leaped from the water. I imagine we would manage that with titanium rods, though I would leave the exact method of immobilization to our engineers.”

“You mean fused to her back?” Beatrice asked.

“I imagine so,” Jerry answered. “The final details would need proper planning, of course. I would imagine that the titanium rods would run through her entire body, as I see her positioned at a forward angle.”

“What do you think, child?” Beatrice asked Monique, staring down at the terror filled girl. “Why don’t you speak up and tell us what you think?”

No sounds came from the girl, much to Beatrice’s disappointment. Instead, the girl silently continued her struggles, hoping and praying to free herself from the bonds that held her.

“I’ve an image in my head,” Francis said. “Something from a book on mythology. Desk, fetch it. I believe it’s on the top shelf.”

Beatrice grinned sadistically. “Have you an image picked out so quickly, Francis?”

“Yes,” he responded.

“Do you hear that girl?” Beatrice taunted the girl, slipping into the light beside her. “He knows what he wants already. You are to be a mermaid after all. Let’s get you back up, shall we?

Grabbing the girl’s hair, she lifted her to sit as she had before.

“Leave me alone,” the girl demanded.

“Found your voice again, have you?” Beatrice chortled, her hand firmly gripping Monique’s hair. “It’ll do you no good. It will amuse me, though.”

“I’m a human being! I’m not a toy. I’m real,” she screamed, breaking into tears. “You can’t do this to me!”

Beatrice grinned, yanking her head to face Jerry. “Listen up, girl. Listen to my question. Then listen to the answer. Are you ready?”

“Fuck you!” Monique screamed.

“Jerry,” she began, ignoring the epithet, “how will you make her into a fountain? What part of her will be…where will the water come from?”

“As I see it, the water will spring from her breasts. Of course, much depends on my engineers, but I imagine we will run piping through her body,” Jerry replied.

Unsatisfied with the answer, Beatrice continued prodding. “I assume the water will spring from her nipples. What does this mean for her breasts?”

The girl squirmed in the hold of the woman, moaning her fear and discomfort but saying nothing.

“You are quite right,” Jerry said. “The water will spring from her nipples. Her breast tissue, as is the case with most of our subjects, will be replaced with a foam-like substance. In this case, it may be a bit different.”

“What do you say to that, princess?” Beatrice asked, jerking the girl’s head back and staring into her fear filled eyes.

“You’re sick. All of you are sick,” she spat.

“Thank you Desk,” Francis said as the requested book was delivered to him. Fanning the pages, he sought to find the image he wanted. Finding it, he gave the book to Jerry.

“Yes, I think we can do that,” Jerry said.

“Show it to me, Francis, won’t you?” Beatrice asked.

Francis leaned forward, book in hand, and displayed the image.

“She that, girl. That is what you will look like,” Beatrice said, pushing the girl’s face towards the book. “Won’t that be wonderful?”

With a startling scream, Monique began bucking and thrashing about as best she could. “Leave me alone! Let me go. You can’t do this! You can’t! Let me go, let me go, let me go!”

Beatrice let go of the girl’s hair, letting her flop to her side. Amused, the entire cadre of sadists watched the girl fling her head about as she thrashed and screamed in high tones. Finally, her energy spent, and realizing her thrashing was futile, she settled into relative quiet.

“Is that all you have,” Mia asked.

“You can’t do this. Please. I’ll do anything. Anything. Just don’t do this to me,” Monique sobbed.

“Perhaps…” Beatrice said, her voice trailing off.

“What?” the girl asked, raising her head from the carpet. “Please, tell me. What?”

All eyes fell on the girl, watching her expressions and listening to her hope and fear. A dry mouth or crotch did not exist in the room, each player taking in the full effect of Beatrice’s calculatingly sadistic mind.

“You’re an attractive lass,” Beatrice said. “And you did say you would do anything. Hmmm, did you mean anything?”

“Yes,” Monique said, desperately grasping at a possible escape from the just described horror. “Anything. Please, just don’t turn me into a mermaid statue. Please. What do you want?”

“Well, I do need a slave,” Beatrice said, offering hope to the girl.

“Yes, I’ll be a slave.”

“We all need slaves, I am sure. Perhaps you give us or show us – yes, show us, why you should be a slave and not a fountain,” Beatrice offered. “Would you like to show us?”

Monique’s eyes were wide and hopeful, despite her fear of Beatrice’s offering. Bracing herself against what she knew would be terrible, she blurted out “Yes!” knowing it would be far less terrible a fate that what she currently faced.

“Well then, we shall see,” Beatrice said, filling the girl with hope and disgust. “Perhaps Francis will see his way to release you from your bondage. Oh, do cooperate, sweetheart. Don’t be foolish enough to bolt for the door. It will only confirm your future.”

As Beatrice’s last words left her mouth, Desk was at the girl’s feet, releasing her from her bonds.

[tessa]

~squeals a happy little sound, clapping and happy dancing all over~

Ok, I thought the last chapter was as good as it gets. Not so, not so! It's all so very...oh, what's the word that describes the extreme side of incredible?? ~looks around, can't find it, so picks up every adjective that even comes close to qualifying something as a grand positive and piles them one on top of the other~

There. All those. That's what your story is. :)

~moans in sheer delight~

tessa
:wave:

[H Dean]

Tessa - I managed to knock out the last chapter this afternoon. I also managed a short epilogue. I intend on putting this bad boy to rest for a bit. Give it a week before I start editing the first chapter again. Then I may start posting it in the library.

Well, I hope you enjoy this.


Chapter 7


“Stand up for us, dear,” Beatrice said.

Monique slowly stood, modestly covering herself. She stared into the dimness that nearly hid Beatrice from her, wondering and fearing what the woman might demand of her.

“There is no need for modesty, girl. You are beautiful. Besides, I wish to see you more clearly,” Beatrice told her. “Now, put your hands behind your back. Grab your elbows with each hand. I want to see you.”

Hesitantly, she obeyed, tears beginning to cloud her vision. Goose bumps covered the girl’s pale skin, and she began shaking despite the study’s even temperature.

“You need to react faster, Monique,” Beatrice chided. “Now, slowly turn around. We don’t want anyone to miss out on your charms.”

Monique obeyed, shaking miserably.

“What size bra do you wear, Monique?” Beatrice asked as the girl finished her turn.

Stammering, the girl answered, “I wear a thirty-four ‘C’.

“My dear, you will have to learn to answer better than that if you don’t want to avoid becoming a new attraction in Francis’ museum. Now, try that answer again. This time, I expect you to show me the proper respect.”

Fighting back tears, the girl answered, “I wear a thirty-four ‘C’, Ma’am.”

“Excellent,” Beatrice said. “How old are you?”

“I just turned twenty-one, Ma’am.”

“How many boyfriends have you had?”

“Just three, Ma’am.”

Have you fucked them all?”

“No, Ma’am.”

“How many have you fucked?”

“Just the one I am with now, Ma’am.”

Beatrice eyed her for a few moments, enjoying the girl’s state. Shaking and shivering, Monique was nearing the moment when she would break. Knowing this, Beatrice pushed on.

“Your breasts are lovely. Very well shaped. Does your boyfriend ever fuck them?” Beatrice asked. “Have you ever been tit-fucked?”

“No, Ma’am,” Monique answered, her head dropping she lost the battle with her tears.

“Why not? They are lovely. Any man would love to fuck those pretty little tits.”

“They aren’t big enough, ma’am,” Monique admitted, knowing how Beatrice would counter.

“Well, that is one knock against you,” Beatrice said, teasing her heartlessly. “You will need bigger tits if youa re to be a proper slave, won’t you?”

Head down and tears dripping she nodded her head. Then, in a wispy voice, tinged with pain, she said “Yes, ma’am.”

“I assume you have sucked cock a few times,” Beatrice prodded. “Are you a good cock sucker?”

Monique flung her head side to side, whipping her long dark hair about. “Why are you doing this to me? Why don’t you leave me alone?”

“Well, that about settles it, doesn’t it?” Beatrice chuckled.

Eyes suddenly wide, Monique lifted her head. “I’m a good cock sucker, ma’am. I love sucking cock. I love eating cum. Please…”

“I don’t know. I am not fond of back talk, Monique,” Beatrice said, her voice filled with feigned disappointment. “Well, have you sucked a lot of cock?”

“Not a lot, but my boyfriend tells me I am good. He loves when I suck his cock,” she said, her voice filled with desperation.

“Hmm, perhaps you would like to show us how good a cock sucker you are. Ted looks like he could use his cock sucked,” Beatrice said. “Go give Ted a good cock sucking.”

Monique looked around the room, desperately trying to remember where Ted was, unable to see him. She looked back at Beatrice, eyes filled with desperation. “I don’t know where Ted is, ma’am.”

“Find him.”

Stepping into the shadows, she turned and eyed each of the guests, trying to remember which one was Ted. “Ma’am, I…I can’t find…I don’t know.”

“Yes, you don’t remember who Ted is, despite the introduction you received. This is not a good start,” Beatrice warned. “Get back under the light.”

New tears filled Monique’s eyes obeyed her tormentors command, her hopes diminishing.

“Have you ever been fucked up the ass, Monique?” Beatrice asked.

“No, ma’am.”

“Has anyone tried to fuck your ass?”

“Yes, ma’am. My boyfriend tried.”

“Why didn’t he succeed?”

“I told him to stop, ma’am.”

“Hmm, perhaps we should take a vote. What do you say, Francis, can we vote whether to make her a slave or fountain?” asked Beatrice. “I think it’s the only fair thing to do.”

“I’ve no objections, Beatrice. I do respect all of your opinions,” Francis said, amused at Beatrice’s tortures.

“If we decide she should be a slave, will you abide by the vote?”

“I will.”

“If we decide she should be a fountain, will you abide by that too?”

“I will.”

“Well then,” Beatrice continued, “it seems we are at a cross road. Is there anything you would like to say, Monique?”

Her arms still locked behind her, Monique spun about, frantically searching for what she might say. Then, all at once, she blurted, “If you make me a slave I promise to serve as good as any slave ever has. I will suck your cock all day and night if you want me to. Really, I won’t complain! You can fuck me in the ass or my pussy. You can fuck my tits or do whatever you want. I’ll be a good slave! Just please don’t turn me into a fountain.”

“Bend over, Monique,” Mia told the girl. Turn that ass towards me and pull it apart.”

Quickly, Monique obeyed.

“Stick a finger in that ass – deep in that ass - then tell me how it tastes,” Mia commanded.

Disgusted as she was, Monique hardly hesitated, pushing a finger deep in her hole and then bringing it to her mouth. “It doesn’t taste like anything, ma’am.”

“Fountain,” Mia said. “I think she would be a better fountain than a slave.”

“No, please!” Monique burst out. “I can be a good slave.

“Fountain,” She heard a male voice speak.

“No!”

“Fountain,” came another vote.

Spinning round to meet each voice as they cast their votes of “Fountain,” Monique begged, hoping for a miracle. She received none. Finally, as the last vote of “Fountain” died down, she fell to the floor to sob uncontrollably.

“The votes are in,” she heard Beatrice say. “Make her a fountain.”

“Get the case, Desk,” Francis ordered.

Almost immediately, Desk brought a leather case into the circle of light. Unzipping it, the girl held her hand to Monique, motioning her to take it. “Stand up,” Desk said softly. “Step inside and lay down, pull your legs to your chest.

Overwhelmed by shock and confusion, Monique followed the wooden girl’s directions. Desk bent over and fastened Monique’s ankles and wrists to a small ring on the interior of the case.

“Please,” came the high-pitched whisper, her wide eyes peering out as Desk zipped the case closed.



Epilogue



The girl looked out from her perch. It was a low perch; lower than she imagined it would be. The faces commenting and admiring her beauty, and the craftsmanship that went into making her, were familiar. The names of all but one were forgotten, though all were hated.

“I see he modified the design”, said a voice.

“Yes, there were technical difficulties with the original design,” she heard another voice say.

Trying hard to make sense of all that was being said, she focused on the voices most familiar to her. Her eyes darted, trying to catch the faces that matched those voices.

“I like this, though. No, she isn’t leaping out of the water. But this is more relaxing,” said a woman’s voice. “At least he did manage to have the water spring from her nipples and into the pond, as you wanted.”

“How did he do it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Does she know what she looks like?”

“Yes, it was a bit difficult to plum the foyer.”

“Amazingly realistic - her tail is beautiful – watch her eyes follow you –museum piece –engineering – breasts – fish,” she heard, the convolution of voices confounding her senses.

As the night wore on, the guests excused themselves, shaking Francis’ hand as they departed. Before leaving, a woman came to stand immediately in front of the girl.

“We were right. You are a far better fountain that you would have been a slave,” the woman said. “Oh, you may be interested to know that, in the year and a half since your abduction, the police have no leads. I do have a lead, though; your sister. She is only thirteen now, and I am certain she will be as beautiful a creature as you. I’ll keep my eye on her for you.”



End

[Aussiegirl1]

Damn Dean, how do you do it? Suspence, fear, anticipation and a great ending! I love it!

That small glimmer of hope that she might not be made into a fountain was brilliant. Just the right touch of menace and hope. Well done mate.

[H Dean]

well, thanks. Now I just gotta get to editing and get it in good shape.

[tessa]

~moans low and long...tries to form a coherent thought, but fails... re-reads every chapter to experience it all over again...comes back to say the only thing that can be said when the grip of perfect and intense sexual stimulation overpowers a mind~

"Holy fuck."



:wave:

[H Dean]

So, you're saying there is room for improvement?

[tessa]

~shields my eyes from the blazing inferno of erotica that is Mr. Dean's story...points one still shaky (and very tired) finger over in the direction of his chapters~

I think (barely) that there's a comma or something missing over there.

~glances over towards the area of the epilogue and feels the hypnotic power of the story sucking me back in...hurriedly covers eyes in an attempt to stay focused...speaks in a breathless whisper~

Maybe.

~imagines the mermaid fountain and feels that thought go straight down, umm...there~

:wave:

[H Dean]

Yeah, you're right. I need to get to editing the story. Probably next week I'll get to that.

[H Dean]

Well, I got to editing the first chapter a little sooner than I planned. Immediately after my edits I submitted the story to the library for publication. Unfortunately, immediately afterwards, I realized that my edit needed a bit of editing. I am going to try to edit it and resubmit the first chapter. I am hopeful I can manage the edit before the story goes public. If not, I may leave it as is.

My main purpose for this exercise was multi-pronged. First, it was to give all the students something to dismember. I was hopeful that it would help your own work.

Another reason was to show you the work of a Writer's Block instructor. I wanted you to see how early drafts look, so you can see that your stories, before multiple edits, look just like ours (at least mine).

I also wanted to boost your confidence. If you can see that your stories are no less in need of edits than mine, maybe you will have the confidence to tackle something larger than the brief pieces you post here. Also, if you could see the help you can give to others, you can see how well you can edit your own stories.

That being said, I wanted to offer you all my thanks. What was intended as a help to you all turned out as a help to me. Not only did you aid my editing of the story but you may have caught a few things I might not have caught. So, thank you all for your efforts. You made my story that much better.

Rhabbi, I see that you managed to put up a few tales in the library. I intend to get to reviewing your tales very soon. I may even begin reading them tonight.

The rest of you who have managed to get beyond level 2 need get your asses in gear and start writing something substancial. I know you can do it. I have seen your work. It's good. I am a harsh critic and I wouldn't say this if I didn't believe it to be true.

Now get to work!

[tessa]

Food for thought, Mr. Dean. A eight-course meal in fact.

My thanks for your excellent example.

tessa :wave:

ps. Nice directive there at the end...made me tingle all over. ;)