Advice on topping a first-timer?

[whippedcream]

Hi. I’m currently in a relationship with an open-minded guy who isn’t into bdsm himself, but does scenes with me anyway, for my enjoyment. He says it’s fun as a game even though he doesn’t get the sexual kick out of it that I do, and so far he’s been an excellent top. The thing is, he told me now he’s curious about what it’s like from my end and wants *me* to top *him* sometime.

I’d like some advice here, because while I have been in relationships where I’ve had to switch before, I usually only top when I have a very clear idea of what my sub is looking for. He, of course, says he has no specific idea of what he wants. I know I should go physically easy on him, but other than that, I’m at a loss. Since he’s a hypnofetishist with a hard drive full of scary hypnodommes in huge black boots, maybe some cuffs and a show of control is really all I should go for. On the other hand, I personally prefer being a caring and reluctant disciplinarian…you know, the whole “this spanking is for your own good” thing. Any advice on how to proceed? (I’m kind of cringing here; I feel really inadequate next to all you lifestylers out there…)

[Tiny45]

my OTHER dark secretive like... the hypnofetish (god that's a borderline horrid name)


I've never had the chance to play with it, but i'd certainly try a little roleplay with him. Leave him a note saying the color blue compels him to obey, and then toy with him while wearing a blue bra or something.

Obviously he's got to be willing, but hey, you've already said he is.


As to the content... I'd say focus on control, humiliation, and "light" nc content... He may or may not be into the painful side of things.


(sidenote: i didn't realize teen pregnancy was so horrible and common. Am i a bad person for not wanting to date a woman with a child at the age of 19? No? Someone please point me at the women WITHOUT children, then...)

[drake7]

Since you are going to be helping him explore his fantasies then you have the person who can help you figure things out right there. Him.

If he can't/won't/hesitates about expressing his fantasies then look at the pictures you said he has on his hard drive, preferably look at them together, and find out which pictures he likes more than others and why. From there ask him to tell you which stories he has read on the site that he liked and with those two bits of knowledge in hand you should be able to build up quite a satisfying scene.

A note about hypnofetishists, and mc types in general, part of the kick they derive is from a loss of control. Different from a more traditional submissive who participates in power exchange where control is relinquished. With this in mind I would focus on the "loss of control" aspect reinforcing for him that he is "under your power and control" may be the real kick he is looking for.

Drake.

[whippedcream]

Thanks to the both of you for the advice. There’s one bit of drake7’s post that really resonates with me: “A note about hypnofetishists, and mc types in general, part of the kick they derive is from a loss of control. Different from a more traditional submissive who participates in power exchange where control is relinquished.” I told that bit to my bf and he agrees too. It always seems to surprise him that even though I writhe a bit under the belt, I don’t make any Houdini-style attempts to get away. He, on the other hand, cannot be trusted around ties. Every time he ties me, usually spread-eagled to the bedposts or something, I can hear him muttering, “Now *me*, I could get out of this. I could wiggle free. Or break this rope,” etc.

So how about this…I could dress myself up in my coolest black latex outfit (he’s never seen it) and surprise him when it seems like an appropriate time. We have a pair of goofy furry handcuffs, and I filed off the safety release this morning while he was in the shower. That might be a bit of a shocker for him, when he realizes he really *has* lost control…

What do you think? If it sounds good, somebody psych me up and tell me to go for it. Like I said, I’m not used to pouncing on people unless I know for sure they’re secretly desperately yearning for what I’m about to do to them…

[drake7]

Your last post sounded like the happy cat who has just caught a tasty rat. :D

All your ideas sound wonderful, the only thing I would recommend is that you speak to your boyfriend in a round about way and find out if the "pouncing" thing is something he would enjoy, something totally out of the blue, or if something more planned is fitting.

As far as a loss of control goes, based on what he likes to read here on the site or look at on his hard drive, it may not need to be a real physical loss of control but something you can roleplay. Such as you really do have hypnotic powers which you can use to bend minds to your will or if you want something less exotic roleplay that you have blackmailed him somehow and he has no choice but to submit to your every whim. (heh this is getting a tad exciting) Then again, hell, just get some 1000lb. test cord, chains, padlocks etc. and show him what real loss of control is :eek:

I am sure it will be an experience neither of you will soon forget.

Drake.

[Kelli]

Then again, hell, just get some 1000lb. test cord, chains, padlocks etc. and show him what real loss of control is


Lol, that's funny. My guy tried to be a dom to me, but it doesn't always work well. Then he has had moods (or once) that I could dominate him, and he didn't sit well with the restrainst. I think just how you said that was great! :cool: