Being a Good Dom

[Alex Bragi]

When I first embrassed BDSM a very wise dom told me: "In this lifestyle you never stop learning." I now believe a good dominant is one who "never stops learning". I also believe:

Being a good dominant is not about constantly feeding your ego or superiority complex. Sexually submissive men and women are neither superior nor inferior, they've simply chosen different roles.

Being a dominant doesn't mean you have inherent control over every submissive you meet. You must work to gain their trust and respect.

If you have to run around telling everyone what a great dom you are, then maybe you're not. Let your deeds speak for you.

If you have to keep bragging and talking about how "experienced' you are, maybe you're past all the action, and talk is all you have left.

Being a 'r/t', verses a v/t, dom does not necessarily make you a better, or more knowlegeable, dominant. How you choose to express your dominance, and the kind of relationship you have with your submissive, is entirely your business and nobody else's.

And finally, fine, give yourself a title of nobility, but remember you will still need to earn respect just like everyone else does.

[Ozme52]

No arguement there from me.


Fortunately we wizards are above all this. :rolleyes:

[angelic.zest]

Thank you for sharing,Alex!!!! totally agree wholeheartedly

[TomOfSweden]

Being a dominant doesn't mean you have inherent control over every submissive you meet. You must work to gain their trust and respect.

If you have to run around telling everyone what a great dom you are, then maybe you're not. Let your deeds speak for you.

If you have to keep bragging and talking about how "experienced' you are, maybe you're past all the action, and talk is all you have left.


MUAHAHAHAHA! I just blew tea out my nose. I've met so many "masters" who fit these descriptions. They're all flashing before me. hahahahah. ....can't breath....HAHAHAHAHA

[John56{vg}]

Alex my dear,

Wonderful wonderful words and I agree with all of them.

You Alex are a Master of words and I appreciate you more and more with each reading.


John

[Guest 91108]

a great post Alex Bragi , and a thread that is long overdue.
Now if we can just get some to read it and understand that these traits you listed are not good and even defeating those who use them ...

[Laila]

Being a dominant doesn't mean you have inherent control over every submissive you meet. You must work to gain their trust and respect.

And finally, fine, give yourself a title of nobility, but remember you will still need to earn respect just like everyone else does.

Thank you for expressing it like that! I constantly get to hear I'm not a real sub or not a real whatever because I refuse to act very submissive before the man's demenour, intelligence, creativity etc. makes me want to submit to him.

Also for me, but that's more a feeling that something I could adequately put into words a Dom doesn't truely and actually enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation. If I get the feeling that is what he is all about I am so turned off!
How it is that sometimes he does both and has fun with it without that being the prime reason for enjoying himself... well I might need help about this point from an actual Dom. ;)

[sweetpeaz]

you've made me think...thank-you

[Guest 91108]

...

Also for me, but that's more a feeling that something I could adequately put into words a Dom doesn't truely and actually enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation. If I get the feeling that is what he is all about I am so turned off!
How it is that sometimes he does both and has fun with it without that being the prime reason for enjoying himself... well I might need help about this point from an actual Dom. ;)

hrm .. interesting....
besides spanking * coughs * ....
I find that the giving of some torment or pain is not about the pain I inflict; but watching her overcome the torment/pain. Knowing that during that time she is thinking only of the moment. She is focused and aware of more of herself than any other time. Makes her more feminine to me to know of her awareness of self... And that she is giving of herself to me in this manner is such a pleasure. there in lies the enjoyment for me if there is any ...
Does that help ?

[davidnhisgirl]

Wonderful post. Thanks so much for it.

emi

[jeanne]

hrm .. interesting....
besides spanking * coughs * ....
I find that the giving of some torment or pain is not about the pain I inflict; but watching her overcome the torment/pain. Knowing that during that time she is thinking only of the moment. She is focused and aware of more of herself than any other time. Makes her more feminine to me to know of her awareness of self... And that she is giving of herself to me in this manner is such a pleasure. there in lies the enjoyment for me if there is any ...
Does that help ?

Wolfscout - thanks for that insight - I too have struggled with trying to "understand" what my husband gets out of this (other than the obvious sexual component :) ) and your explanation makes sense to me.

Have a wonderful day,
jeanne

[Warbaby1943]

As usual Alex, you speak logically. You make so much sense and I have always liked your posts. This one should make everyone think and hopefully see things the way they are. I see nothing in your words to even try to debate. Even outside of the BDSM world we must continue to learn in order to grow. Once we close our minds to knowledge and experiences we may as well give up. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

[MajesticFae]

That's how I see it too, Alex... Very eloquently put. Bravo.

[Logic1]

hrm .. interesting....
besides spanking * coughs * ....
I find that the giving of some torment or pain is not about the pain I inflict; but watching her overcome the torment/pain. Knowing that during that time she is thinking only of the moment. She is focused and aware of more of herself than any other time. Makes her more feminine to me to know of her awareness of self... And that she is giving of herself to me in this manner is such a pleasure. there in lies the enjoyment for me if there is any ...
Does that help ?

this pretty much speaks for me aswell. and definitely well put Alex.

the amount of wise men and women here is astonishing to say the least.

/tips the hat to you

I would or could NEVER hit/beat a women ever but spankings and those kinds of things is a whole different matter from my pov.

[Clevernick]

Alex, I've seen these sentiments before in a few places, but never so succinctly and clearly written.

Thanks again for a wonderful posting. You give me confidence in myself.

[moptop]

What a lovely, sane post Alex. For some reason we need a little bit of fresh air to be blown through the forums at the moment.

(And - Tom -


MUAHAHAHAHA! I just blew tea out my nose. I've met so many "masters" who fit these descriptions. They're all flashing before me.

note - it's generally the subs that do the flashing! Ask Tess!)

[Logic1]

note - it's generally the subs that do the flashing! Ask Tess!)

ROFLMAO :D

[pixie_dust]

Excellent post, Alex. Thank you so much for summing things up so wonderfully.

[Uncle_Ed]

Thank you Alex. Having read your post I can see now that I've learned it all and have nothing more that anyone can teach me.

I am clearly superior now to all the little people here who should worship my every word.

All subs should hear my name and cower before me.

I am now and forever the greatest Dom.

My experience is beyond your comprehension and my abilities have only increased with age.

I am r/v and that is the One True Way.

Earl Ed de Gruntfuttock Uncle-1st class. (Ward 5D)

[smilie]

wonderful post alex thank you

[Slave Kitty Sivesh]

Awesome post, and very true

[Alex Bragi]

Thank you, all, for your positive feedback. I was a little apprehensive about posting this at first.



No arguement there from me.

Fortunately we wizards are above all this. :rolleyes:

Yea, I know that. Hey, we all know that because we all know you, Oz. *gg*

*gg* Uncle Ed, you're adoreable! *hugs* It's so nice to have you back.

[gloombunny]

Also for me, but that's more a feeling that something I could adequately put into words a Dom doesn't truely and actually enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation. If I get the feeling that is what he is all about I am so turned off!

What's wrong with enjoying infllicting pain and humiliation? :confused:

[Rhabbi]

Great post Alex, not sure how I missed it before. Thank you for the good words.

[Sir_Russell]

[Being a good dominant is not about constantly feeding your ego or superiority complex. Sexually submissive men and women are neither superior nor inferior, they've simply chosen different roles.

Being a dominant doesn't mean you have inherent control over every submissive you meet. You must work to gain their trust and respect.

And finally, fine, give yourself a title of nobility, but remember you will still need to earn respect just like everyone else does.[/QUOTE]

Yes I hand selected the parts I wanted to comment on.

First one, my slave is a much better brighter person then me. I would serve her if my inner me would allow it.

Second, this one floors me, I am so amazed at the stupid "Doms" that feel since they have self decreed themselves to be Doms that they can boss and order around all subs. The reality is that a sub wants to please, it is part of their nature. The sub may do your bidding if it is reasonable but that doesn't mean you have the right to order the sub. If this idiot gives orders to mine he will have to deal with me. If he give orders to an uncommitted sub and then berates that sub for non-compliance then he should have to deal with all of us.

Third, I have all ways felt I was a knight errant or maybe it is errant knight but my Sir is actually a title given to me by my Guild. I feel it fits and I spend my life living by honor, respect and pride.

Thanks Alex well stated

[tessa]

note - it's generally the subs that do the flashing! Ask Tess!)
Hey! I resemble that remark. :p I'll have you know that I haven't flashed anyone...ok, I was gonna say "lately", but as I just flashed Devil, I guess that's not entirely true. And yesterday, I flashed Red, but that was unintentional. And I was wearing something new, found out about them from here actually- panties? Anyone else ever heard of those? Red was shocked that I knew about them. So that flash doesn't count. I'll just say that I haven't flashed anyone (outside the walls of my house) in, oh, a few weeks now.


What a lovely, sane post Alex. For some reason we need a little bit of fresh air to be blown through the forums at the moment.
I couldn't agree more, moptop. Alex, another brilliant post. :)

[Dragon's muse]

And I was wearing something new, found out about them from here actually- panties? Anyone else ever heard of those?

i wish to know more of these things called "panties". Are they a new kind of flogger? Do they need batteries? What kind of welt do they leave? Inquiring minds want to know.

[tessa]

i wish to know more of these things called "panties". Are they a new kind of flogger? Do they need batteries? What kind of welt do they leave? Inquiring minds want to know.

They leave wedgies, not welts. A very unwelcome feature. Oh, and they aren't waterproof. Not at all, so battery usage may be prohibited. They were more like some flimsy chastity device that's just for show (not flashing...useless for flashing). Not to my liking and I don't recommend them at all.

But they were a cute shade of purple. That's the only good thing I have to say about them.

:wave:

[thrall]

Alex........thank you. Your just great. I cant agree with you more.

thrall

[Sir_Russell]

Lol, an inventor friend about 30 years ago gave me a pair for my slave they had a small speaker built into them placed right over the clit. The problem was you had to "wire" them to your sound system. But it was worth a laugh and about the only reason for wearing panties

[^firefly^]

tessa,

You need to get back into flashing practice then! *giggles*

(@Y@)

Oh and as for the panties...they're decorative chastitiy devices, and can be quite fun to flash as well...*giggles more* just ask Himself....

[Guest 91108]

Second, this one floors me, I am so amazed at the stupid "Doms" that feel since they have self decreed themselves to be Doms that they can boss and order around all subs. The reality is that a sub wants to please, it is part of their nature. The sub may do your bidding if it is reasonable but that doesn't mean you have the right to order the sub. If this idiot gives orders to mine he will have to deal with me. If he give orders to an uncommitted sub and then berates that sub for non-compliance then he should have to deal with all of us.


Bingo. this is what all Doms should consider.

[cariad]

Alex, I missed this due to being away....grrrrrr, must stop these off line times, but having read it now, I have stuck it, and hope this thread is read by many Dom and subs.

Now, I think we should also reprint your post onto postcards, tea-towels, key-rings, fridge magnets, and paddles for sale in the Library gift shop.

cariad

[Sir_Russell]

In my opinion being a good Dom really boils down to wanting the best for his sub, to guide her growth and mold her to want to please him in everything she does. This can't be done with a whip or a crop, that as motivation does not nuture and cause anyone to perform willingly only out of fear.

[Austerus]

hrm .. interesting....
besides spanking * coughs * ....
I find that the giving of some torment or pain is not about the pain I inflict; but watching her overcome the torment/pain. Knowing that during that time she is thinking only of the moment. She is focused and aware of more of herself than any other time. Makes her more feminine to me to know of her awareness of self... And that she is giving of herself to me in this manner is such a pleasure. there in lies the enjoyment for me if there is any ...
Does that help ?

I think this is pretty dead on :) For me and my wife there is another aspect here too. She doesn't particularly -like- pain a lot, but she -loves- feeling submissive and possessed. On the other side, I love feeling dominant and possess(ing?)

So for us at least, the inflicting of torment isn't really -about- the torment, if that makes any sense. It's about my seeing how she willingly submits to -me-, about my joy in seeing her submission to me, about her seeing/feeling that joy and feeling joy in return for pleasing me/submitting/feeling possessed. It creates an "emotional feedback loop" if that doesn't sound too trite, in which torment is merely the catalyst, rather than the ends either of us are looking for.

/ramble off

[jeanne]

So for us at least, the inflicting of torment isn't really -about- the torment, if that makes any sense. It's about my seeing how she willingly submits to -me-, about my joy in seeing her submission to me, about her seeing/feeling that joy and feeling joy in return for pleasing me/submitting/feeling possessed. It creates an "emotional feedback loop" if that doesn't sound too trite, in which torment is merely the catalyst, rather than the ends either of us are looking for.



Oh, oh, my - exactly! And not trite at all! :)

[Sir_Russell]

Should be that and adding to the pleasure at the same time for the sub. If you have learned how to confuse the pain pleasure sensors that is.

[crazy_grrluk]

im still waiting for someone to enlighten me as to exactly what these " panties" are

[John56{vg}]

CG,

They are pleasure devices for a dom. They are made simply to be ripped off a sub while playing. They serve no other useful purpose.

*giggles uncontrollably*

[jeanne]

...and mold her to want to please him in everything she does.


Yes.

[crazy_grrluk]

CG,

They are pleasure devices for a dom. They are made simply to be ripped off a sub while playing. They serve no other useful purpose.

*giggles uncontrollably*

ohhhhhhhhhhhh

but why all the different colours and stuff

[John56{vg}]

CG,

Most doms won't admit it (And I am giving away a trade secret here) but we are fascinated with color, especially reds and blacks and blues. It is sort of like a bull with a red cape. We just go straight for the source and start ripping at the fabric to get to the juicy bits underneath.

It is all so dull and Scientific really. A lot of study has gone into the phenomenon.

*Okay it is certain now. I REALLY need to get a life*

*cackles madly*

[crazy_grrluk]

ewwwwww at the juicey wet material


and um...yup u need to download a life lmao

[deva]

it may seem strange that giving pain enhances loving and tenderness. "still it turns" as a rather new practitioner, any feed back welcome, deva

[deva]

are underwear to be allowed? deva

[Sir_Russell]

To some extent A good Dom is like a loving parent willing to do without to be sure his lady doesn't have to.

[Softly]

Excuse me, but would someone explain what v/t and r/t mean. Or maybe point me in the direction of a glossary, please!

[Sir_Russell]

virtual time and real time

[GreyJack]

As usual, some excellent posts and points made, and I echo most of the comments. Certainly one of the problems we see constantly are either newcomers who misunderstand the lifestyle and its roles/relationships or people who purposely mis-use the trappings of the lifestyle for their own egoistic little power trips. That's something we have to deal with in our own -- often inimitable -- ways. the trouble comes because very few of either of these two types spend any time educating themselves through reading the Forums -- just as we see in chat, people who don't read the rules and consistently break them, usually falsely pleading "ignorance". I heartily agree with the comment form above that "BDSM is a constant learning process" (just like life).

I would like to add, too, that on another site, I ran across someone's distinction between what is generally called "a Master Dom" and "a Daddy Dom." The Daddy Dom, so this definition went, was all about the mentoring along with the pleasures. The "Master Dom", again according to their definition, was all about the ordering and expecting to be obeyed without question just because he was "a Master." We've all had some experiences -- hopefully -- with both kinds. We respect Daddy Doms because of their experience, wisdom, and to use an often unheard word, their altruism. Master type Doms we may respect because they project a true dominant personality or have skills, abilities which we admire, whether they "teach" or mentor or not. Both earn respect for what they are and what they do. Wanna-bes and players who abuse the lifestyle, however. seem not to even give the appearance of earning respect or learning anything about the lifestyle that doesn't fit their preconceived notions -- which sadly to say often come just from looking at some bdsm porn pictures or videos that don't define a relationship beyond the immediate gratification of the Dom (or presumed "satisfaction" of the sub by being used by the Dom). That being the case, I'm reminded of the old saying "Education is our most important product."

I'm pretty sure, to most subs, being a good Dom is relating to them firstly and foremostly as a human being, not an objectification, and also negotiating what the subsequent roles are to be and how best they are enacted.

[sidhewolf]

When I first embrassed BDSM a very wise dom told me: "In this lifestyle you never stop learning." I now believe a good dominant is one who "never stops learning". I also believe:

Being a good dominant is not about constantly feeding your ego or superiority complex. Sexually submissive men and women are neither superior nor inferior, they've simply chosen different roles.

Being a dominant doesn't mean you have inherent control over every submissive you meet. You must work to gain their trust and respect.

If you have to run around telling everyone what a great dom you are, then maybe you're not. Let your deeds speak for you.

If you have to keep bragging and talking about how "experienced' you are, maybe you're past all the action, and talk is all you have left.

Being a 'r/t', verses a v/t, dom does not necessarily make you a better, or more knowlegeable, dominant. How you choose to express your dominance, and the kind of relationship you have with your submissive, is entirely your business and nobody else's.

And finally, fine, give yourself a title of nobility, but remember you will still need to earn respect just like everyone else does.

Agreed! I think a lot of PPL get Dominant and Domineering mixed up, though they are very different things. The Really Great Dominants I Know and have Known, are the Ones who don't have or need to Tell someone that's what They are.... one can nearly smell it <G>. There's no need for Them to Say "on your knees bitch", for the Submissives who Know Them are already there, at the very least in Spirit.

Respectfully~SidheWolf