Unable to convince.........

[sassycat4him]

I have only dipped my toe in the water's of the BDSM world and I want more, much more! I want a very strict Dom to do what he pleases with me. I want to be used and abused and would be more than happy to be a fuck toy. Hubby and I tried the Dom/sub role but it didn't work. I tried to explain to hubby that a stranger I would respond to better but he won't hear of it. he says that he will be the only Master over me, but he's not and nor can he be. So I keep my fantasies of being an unruly sub just looking for punishment in my dreams. It's very frustrating! Can anyone relate?

[Logic1]

I simply think that he absolutely does not want to share you with somebody else, just like I wouldnt want to share my gf/sub with any other guy.
So he isnt strict enough.
you got 3 choices.
* Either you keep your fantasies to yourself
* or you try and convince your hubby again that your fantasies is needed for you
* or you leave him.
last one is not a good option though.

Keep in mind that abusing the girlfriend/wife can be very far from "normal" behavior on the "normal" man even if he is a Dom. He might be able to change himself but it is not a sure thing. I dont think I could and I know I couldnt share my gf/sub/wife with another man either.

hope you fare well in your endeavors and that my thoughts as a man/dom can help you.

hard to give good advice on this subject. take it for what it is. MY input and not something that is written in stone. again. good luck to you :)

[MrDom]

sassy you really need too sit him down and talk too him communacation is key too a relasonship. Tell him one of you lighter fantasy and see he he will do it too you.

MrDom

[Logic1]

absolutely
communication communication and communication is always the key.
still stand by my post though :)

[Dragon's muse]

Sassy,

You say that you have only "dipped a toe" into BDSM. There is a phenomenon called a "sub frenzy", usually happens to new people. It is a manic time where your mind runs from one fantasy to another, each one more extreme than the last. Your mind runs about a gazillion miles an hour, like, "ohmygodthisissofreakinggreatiwantmoreiwanttodoever ythingrightfreakingnow!"

Even in subfrenzy, baby steps are a good way to go about it. Maybe look into your local scene and see if you can find a mentor for Hubby, who can help him to be more strict. It is unrealistic to expect him to go from zero to 60, in one session. Men have some programming to overcome (don't hit girls, treat your wife with respect, etc).

Look very carefully at your fantasies. Are they realistic? BDSM is, in some ways, no different than nilla. We still get caught up in the rose colored glasses world of perfect Doms who somehow know exactly what we need, perfect subs who revel in absolutely anything that their Dom wants to do and have no limits, and where "real life" never has the gall to intrude its ugly head.

Frankly, there are lots of fantasies that should stay fantasies. (i have several of that variety, doesn't stop us from verbally exploring them, but we both have sufficient sense to know taking them real time would be dangerous to me, to him and/or to our relationship).

And to add to the earlier posts about communication. Let me empahsize that part of communication is listening. He is telling you something very important about himself. Monogamy is important to him. Is it a dealbreaker? You'll have to find that out.

Be careful, and make sure the ice will bear your weight before you go do the watusi in the middle of the lake.

rose

[Logic1]

real good points Dragon´s Muse.
a subs perspective is different from the Masters and yes as a guy we have some serious "programming" done by our mothers/parents just like you said.
I sure cant even grasp at abusing my girlfriend. Spankings and serious teasing and CD and all that is completely different from abuse imho.
Babysteps yes absolutely. If he is new to the scene just like you are then he might not know exactly what do do and well honestly I have dommed plenty but it is far from me being able to say that I know exactly what I am doing. I might know roughly but that isnt the same.
I dont think anybody knows exactly what to do in any given situation. Not even the most experienced Dom does that I think.
A mentor for your Dom/husband is definitely a good suggestion aswell.

Never run head first and blindfolded into a dark forest. You are quite likely to fall and hurt yourself in the process.

good thread.

[Rhabbi]

Not much for me to add here, except to reiterate the idea of communication and caution. I know the idea of a stranger being harsh with you is attractive, but how do you know you can trust a stranger? Do you really want to trust yourself to the whims of someone you do not know? Fantasy is one thing, but reality often comes with a price. There are a few fantasies I have that would never be brought to fruition because I know that there is a difference.

Safe Sane Consensual (SSC) is a concept that has been drilled into me from my earliest explorations into BDSM, and it is still a code that I live by. It has helped to keep me out of legal difficulties, and my partners from getting seriously hurt, even when something went wrong. I have had friends end up in the ER because even practicing SSC, sometimes people get hurt.

Do you really want to take the risk of being hurt with someone who is a stranger? Or would you prefer to do that with your husband?

[tessa]

You say that you have only "dipped a toe" into BDSM. There is a phenomenon called a "sub frenzy", usually happens to new people. It is a manic time where your mind runs from one fantasy to another, each one more extreme than the last. Your mind runs about a gazillion miles an hour, like, "ohmygodthisissofreakinggreatiwantmoreiwanttodoeve rythingrightfreakingnow!"

Even in subfrenzy, baby steps are a good way to go about it. Maybe look into your local scene and see if you can find a mentor for Hubby, who can help him to be more strict. It is unrealistic to expect him to go from zero to 60, in one session. Men have some programming to overcome (don't hit girls, treat your wife with respect, etc).

Look very carefully at your fantasies. Are they realistic? BDSM is, in some ways, no different than nilla. We still get caught up in the rose colored glasses world of perfect Doms who somehow know exactly what we need, perfect subs who revel in absolutely anything that their Dom wants to do and have no limits, and where "real life" never has the gall to intrude its ugly head.

Frankly, there are lots of fantasies that should stay fantasies. (i have several of that variety, doesn't stop us from verbally exploring them, but we both have sufficient sense to know taking them real time would be dangerous to me, to him and/or to our relationship).

And to add to the earlier posts about communication. Let me empahsize that part of communication is listening. He is telling you something very important about himself. Monogamy is important to him. Is it a dealbreaker? You'll have to find that out.

Be careful, and make sure the ice will bear your weight before you go do the watusi in the middle of the lake.

sassy, all the comments made here are very valid and good. But re-read Dragon muse's post over and over again. It's the most perfect advice you will ever receive about your situation.

All the best to you!

tessa :wave:

[Hime]

It's possible that your husband will come around eventually. Not that you're going to come home one day and find he's installed a dungeon in the basement, but that he will like the idea of being your master and want to explore that further. From the way you phrased it, at least, he certainly feels possessive towards you, which might be a start.

Everyone's experience will vary, of course, but in my own relationship, that was how it worked out. I told him when we were engaged that I was interested in BDSM, and his initial reaction was "I can't hurt you. I can't hit you. I would be ok with tying your wrists, but that's about it." Because of his personal history, his strongest reaction came from his fear of being abusive. It took him a few months to get used to the idea enough to realize that he was actually really excited by it, and that being a loving Dominant is not the same as being an abuser (although that is an issue we still struggle with at times).

If you think that you have a chance to convince him (say, if you've noticed that he has some dominant tendencies), don't push it or act like he's disappointing you if it doesn't work out. Instead, show him how BDSM can be part of things that he enjoys. In my experience, the biggest turn-off for most guys is feeling pressured. If your previous experiments didn't work, it might have just been because of that.

The other thing that might work, but only if you are bi or bi curious, is finding a female Domme to play with, with your husband's permission -- a lot of men don't see their wife being with another woman as quite as bad as being with another guy. Especially if they get to watch. :)

[Guest 91108]

I agree with Dragon's muse post being very good advice to a newbie.

and to a learning Dom.. to push him further than he is ready will only cause problems that effect where he goes with it.

Be willing to take your time so that it is of quality not quantity and they both will grow to be more.

[moptop]

You could also try introducing him to this forum; it is absolutely full of good advice and caring, helpful people. No-one minds people asking questions, or saying 'Help, I don't know where to start, I don't know how to do this." And you should also read, read, read, learn, learn, learn. There is a lot of wisdom here. It has helped me immensely over the last year since I first found out about myself - and went into a serious frenzy, lol. And in this life - you will never, ever stop learning.

Little steps; communication; SSC; loving; caring for eachother's needs; taking your time.

[jeanne]

Not that you're going to come home one day and find he's installed a dungeon in the basement, but that he will like the idea of being your master and want to explore that further.

"I can't hurt you. I can't hit you. I would be ok with tying your wrists, but that's about it." Because of his personal history, his strongest reaction came from his fear of being abusive. It took him a few months to get used to the idea enough to realize that he was actually really excited by it, and that being a loving Dominant is not the same as being an abuser (although that is an issue we still struggle with at times).

If you think that you have a chance to convince him (say, if you've noticed that he has some dominant tendencies), don't push it or act like he's disappointing you if it doesn't work out. Instead, show him how BDSM can be part of things that he enjoys. In my experience, the biggest turn-off for most guys is feeling pressured. If your previous experiments didn't work, it might have just been because of that.


sassycat - my experience and advice mirrors moptop's - show him how BDSM can be part of something he likes (oh, BJs for example...give them on your knees and ask for whatever level of force/hair/head manipulation you'd like and he might be willing to do :blurp_ani ). That was where I started finding what it felt like to me to be submissive, and then began sharing my feelings and desires with him - and we have progressed at a slow, steady pace since. Now, 10 months later, he's become a loving Dominant, curious and excited to see where we go on this path next. (And wanting to be the guide on that path, rather than me. Yes!!)

Good luck to you - I hope you find what you are seeking.

[Sir_Russell]

his_j is very correct the fastest way for me to not act like a Dom is to demand that I do. morgan has yet to learn this though and it causes her to miss out on a lot.

[His_blizzard]

his_j is very correct the fastest way for me to not act like a Dom is to demand that I do. morgan has yet to learn this though and it causes her to miss out on a lot.

I don't want to hijack this thread but, Wow! I have been begging for more intense Domination lately and the harder I beg, it seems the less I get. I thought he was just tired of being a Dominant right now, but I am seeing it from another side. Hmmm....... Another example of how a submissive never stops learning. Thanks Sir_Russell for this valuable insight.

[sassycat4him]

I just wanted to Thank you all for your very helpful advice. I understand about the "sub frenzy" thing and realize that I really need to take it slow. I will talk to hubby again, soon about my desires b/c they are driving me CRAZY! I also think it's a good idea to introduce him to this site. We both have a lot of learning to do. If I were to be hurt, accidentally, I would definately want it done by him. at least he knows most of my limits.

[jeanne]

If I were to be hurt, accidentally, I would definately want it done by him.

I agree. Here's something I said to my husband that really made a difference: "Anything that happens between us when we are in "BDSM mode" is okay. If I get hurt (in a way I don't like :) ), I will tell you, either immediately if it's really bad or the next day. I won't get mad or hold on to resentment."

I had to repeat this to him several times over the course of a few months, but now he believes me and has become much more comfortable delivering pain and being strict and demanding. I think he was afraid that I would turn back into a "wife" with all the negative connotations of that word!