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xDantex111
07-31-2007, 09:15 PM
Hi, I'm quite new to this website and just made my first attempt at writing down one of my stories in as full a version as I could make it. I found making the setting rather difficult so it ended up being written in a fact based third person rather than in a descriptive plot. This segment was intended to be the first "chapter" or part of a larger story, and the action begins rather quickly after the atmosphere is set. Any advice would be helpful, thanks.

Chapter One

Setting:


In a remote area in the countryside of Northern England, still stands one of the more traditional boarding schools characteristic of the countries timeless tradition. Famous for its highly structured and severe school life, it is a destination for some of the countries and even the world’s richest children, and consequently the school has become increasingly wealthy. With the youth of modern ages becoming more rebellious and uncontrollable every year, the school determined to live up to its reputation of whipping any wayward youth into shape decided to invest its wealth in to a new system of discipline.

The school developed and purchased a sophisticated simulation system that could be used to traumatize pupils enough to force submission to the school’s severe lifestyle, while still leaving their bodies physically intact. And so far it accomplished their goal perfectly, the parents were fond of the system because it caused no real physical damage yet it was extremely effective in keeping students in line simply through fear. But with realization of how realistic the simulations really were, the corrupted headmaster willing to do anything for influence and money among the wealthy families he served began to favor certain students when it came to punishment. Male students would often be included in the simulation just for their own pleasure in taking advantage of the helpless girls trapped inside of it. The girls could neither run to the headmaster who was controlling it, or their parents who had approved the punishment already, for help and so they were helplessly at the will of the headmaster and his young male clients.

Most recently two young teenage girls Jennifer Florence and Sarah Casey, of around sixteen years in age broke one of the most sacred rules of the school. They were found pleasuring themselves together in their dorms, discovered by a fellow male classmate the same age. Once reported to the headmaster their parents were notified and were horrified by the news. They approved the headmaster’s suggested punishment of using the simulator without hesitation. The girls were swiftly sentenced to a week in the simulation as punishment. The boy who had discovered them, Mark, held a meeting with the principle to make sure he would be included in their punishment, promising the headmaster not only that he would make sure the girls would regret their mistake, but that he would have his powerful father remember him when it came time for the schools grants to be awarded.

Mark is the same age as the girls and has known them for several years at the school now. Since the day he laid eyes on them he has lusted to have their bodies to himself. Every day they would arrive to class wearing revealing outfits around their curved bodies, just tempting him. On numerous occasions he tried to win their favor in an effort to become more intimate with them without force. Each time he was rejected by them, and Mark dejected and infuriated, had to watch on each long class hour as they flirted with other boys and passed him by without even a glance.

Determined to take revenge on the girls for their rejection of him, and yearning to have their bodies under his control he waited patiently for them to slip up so he could take advantage of his father’s influence and trap them in the simulation. Everything in it would feel real, their smooth young bodies, their fear, and most importantly, their submission.

The girls are led into the simulation room on the day of their sentencing, and tied down into two large chairs with bundles of wires leading out of them. They are fitted with masks that cover their face, giving them oxygen and covering their eyes. Soon the panicking girls begin to feel drowsy as anesthesia is being releases into their masks. As they drift off to sleep, the last sounds they hear in the real world are the distant menacing laughs of Mark and the headmaster, Mark’s day had finally come.



* * * * * * * * * * *



All is black. The two girls can only hear each others quick short breaths and the faint drip of water in the distance. They have just been thrust awake by an unfelt force and their vision is taking several minutes to adjust to the darkness of the room they’re in. They can only make out the size of the room, about a twenty by twenty foot square surrounded on three sides by solid concrete walls, and closed off on the fourth side by tall heavy iron bars. The concrete wall opposite the bars was relieved by a single small window in the upper right hand corner, and there is a larger square room on the other side of the bars. It seemed a common jail cell, but it lacked little more than a mattress on the floor for a bed and a hole in the ground for a latrine.

Beginning to regain all of their senses as they adjusted, the girls realize as they try to move, that their hands are tightly bound behind their backs and their ankles tied to iron rings in the ground. After struggling to free themselves for several minutes, they hopelessly give up and sag down in their bonds, looking to each other for hope in their desperate situation.

The girls had heard of the simulations before, and knew their lifelike qualities. People often came out of them traumatized by the events that occurred within. It was hard to believe at first that the victims of the simulation could have really been harmed mentally by it, but through interviews with participants, it was revealed that the events that took place were so real in every aspect except affecting your real physical body, that they carried the same mental damage as it actually happening.
They also knew Mark, and his desperate envy of their not being his in school, fearing just how far he would go even in a simulation.

“Sarah, can you hear me Sarah?” Jenny asked.
“Yes! I’m right behind you, we’re back to back,” Sarah replied.
“So, this is really it, this is the simulation?”
“Yeah, I guess so, but it doesn’t feel like I’ve even ‘left my body’, you know what I mean?”
“Yes, it just feels like we’ve been asleep and woken up in this nasty place, everything feels so real. These ropes, the cold floor, everything”

“It’s supposed to be like that, everything that happens here will feel real.”
“You don’t think the headmaster will really let Mark do anything to us like they do to those other victims, the ones who committed real crimes? I mean we just, you know, were having some fun. We didn’t hurt anyone or anything. They can’t possibly let him.” Sarah questioned fearfully.
“I don’t know, but I just want to get out of hear, this cell gives me the creeps, and there’s no way I’m staying here for a weeks, or submitting to Mark for that matter,” replied Jenny in protest, and with that gave another tug on her bonds, again to no avail.
“I’m sure Mark would never do anything really to harm us, I mean this is just to scare us into behaving right? Not really to hurt us?” asked Sarah nervously.
Suddenly as she ended her sentence a door leading to the larger square room opened opposite them and two large guards dressed in full black suit coats and pants came through flanking their fellow student, Mark.

“Actually I’d have to disagree Sarah, pain may be a necessary tool in correcting the behavior that has put you in this situation, so don’t just count on fear as my only tool,” replied Mark coolly. Mark was dressed in similar fashion to his normal school clothes setting him apart form his generic looking oversized guards. Mark begins to stroll back and forth in front of their cell hands behind his back addressing the frightened girls. “Welcome to the simulation girls, I hope I can accomplish what the school has assigned me to do in correcting your vile behavior,” he pauses grinning at them, “and then a little extra. This world I’ve created with the headmaster will feel and seem completely real for all of us, except the guards who are not human but simulation, and only respond to my command. I have a set system I’ve outlined with the headmaster to first punish you, and then train you to submit to the rules of our society, whether or not you want to.” He continued.

“Stop acting like you have some sort of duty or purpose, you’re just as bad as anyone!” Sputtered Jenny enraged at Marks matter of fact tone. “You just want to get back at us to dumping you in school, this is all revenge to you!”
“Silence!” bellowed Mark, ”I will not tolerate you speaking out of line in my prison, you will only speak when I ask you too, is that understood?”
“You can’t force us to do anything, you’re not the boss of us, I’m sure we can end this simulation as soon as you try to pull anything inappropriate on us,” yelled Jenny defiantly.
“Oh,” chuckled Mark, ”that’s where you’re wrong, I’ll do whatever I have to in order to force total submission out of you too. Especially you Jenny, you’ve always been a feisty one!” Mark laughed as he watched Jenny struggle at her bonds. “String them up boys, its time to teach them who the master around here is.” With a snap of his fingers the guards moved on the cell, opening the doors and roughly dragging the squirming girls out and into the center of the bigger room.

This room, much larger in size, was fitted with all sorts of contraptions the girls didn’t recognize. Ropes and bars hung from the ceiling, wooded structures with leather straps lined the walls, and ominous metal cabinets stood in each corner. Sarah the shyer one of the two was beginning to whimper at the sight of such structures and at the rough treatment from the guards. But Jenny held strong to the pressure and kept stone-faced as she was led to one of the suspended bars.

“This my friends is the bar, its really very simple,” explained Mark as the guards untied the girls’ original bounds and retied them to the bar and floor below, ”you’re arms are tied apart above you on the bar while you’re legs are tied spread apart to the floor leaving you’re body spread and completely exposed,” chuckled Mark as he paced around the bound girls now finally getting a chance to inspect their bodies.

He hadn’t asked much of the simulation’s programmers when informed that he could modify the girl’s bodies to his liking, for they were naturally beautiful. Both Sarah and Jenny were tall, firm, and tan, and had small round attractive faces adding up to the build of a model. Mark had always been attracted to their ravishing bodies and especially their rebellious attitudes that contradicted his normally calm moods. He relished the opportunity to now look at them fully exposed as he had dreamed of so many times after seeing them prance around school in their tight outfits, clearly showing off their gifts.
Now stretched out for him to see, and wearing little more than they’re regulated school lingerie, Mark runs his eyes over every curve of they’re form. Jenny, the more rebellious of the two, had a thicker frame with tight firm abs and long hard legs that curved up into a perfectly rounded ass kept shape from her constant athletic activity. Being late into high school her breasts were fully developed, firm and fertile. They were just above average in size as Marked preferred them, so if he grabbed them, he thought to himself, he would just not be able to cup a whole one in one hand. She was a brunette like Sarah, but had darker harsher looking hair reflecting her stronger personality. It tumbled down passed her shoulders just enough to curve around the edge of her nipples. Her face was smooth and strong with dark piercing eyes, matching the rest of her physique.

Soon Mark’s eyes began to wander down to her scantily clad hips and in between her legs, to reveal her pussy, shaved and unmarked, underneath her thin cotton white panties.
Mark strolling passed the dejected Jenny now paused in front of Sarah, who was in every aspect just as beautiful but softer in taste. Her skin was a creamier white rather that a bolder tan. Her face was softer and rounder and accentuated her very often seen smile. Her legs were firm but not as muscular and they curved into an ass just as round and full. Her stomach was flat and beads of sweat could be seen forming as he inspected her. Her heavy breasts heaved with each panting breath and Mark delighted in seeing them bob up and down. They too were firm and young, but a little bit larger than Jenny’s, a size too that Mark could accept, if not use for other purposes.

Now looking into her eyes he saw true fear in her face. Sarah was not as confident in the face of danger as Jenny was, and was always more held back in school. She had experimented less with boys there, and often shied away from social gatherings even if rebellious against school rules, so this was beyond comprehension to her. She had not lost her virginity as Jenny had by now, but now by breaking one rule she was put in the same predicament as her. Mark relishing her genuine apprehension walked closer to her and circled around her, taking in a full view of a body not yet exposed to another man. Sarah clearly embarrassed, began to blush and look away form his penetrating eyes. Mark noticing this and reached down, slowly running his hand up to her shaved virgin pussy, tapping and stroking it lightly. Sarah tried to wriggle away and mumbled for him to stop but he continued to her ass caressing it softly, feeling around the lining of her thin panties and exploring in between the curves.
“Please,” pleaded Sarah, “Please don’t.”

“Oh Sarah you know I’ve always liked you,” Mark replied stroking her ass, “but just a few days ago you crossed the line and so I’ll have to do whatever it takes to help you,” Mark replied reaching up to her breasts and leaning in close to her cringing face. Cupping her breasts one in each hand he whispered into her ear, ”So beautiful, what a shame.”

“You’re not here to help!” Sarah shouted back, her first showing of defiance. “You’ve just always wanted us and we wouldn’t let you.” She had had enough, and his violating of her dignity there in front of her best friend was too much for her to hold in.

“Now you’re catching on girl, it took you long enough but you’re not completely right.” March replied. “I will fully enjoy exploring all you’re body has to offer me which has been so cruelly withheld, but I still bear the responsibility of disciplining you. And if you think that is an invasion of your body, clearly I have a lot of work to do on you when it comes to full submission to the school. So then let us begin.”

Mark had set out a plan ahead of time, steps he predicted it would take to create the girls into the perfect servants both he and the headmaster desired of them, and the first was obedience to his command which he knew would be difficult. Jenny, and now even the softer Sarah, were fully opposed to him and would clearly not obey if given any freedom, so he would have to break them first. Motioning a guard to one of the cabinets, they retrieved a two inch wide leather strap, split at the ends into nine menacing woven tails. Seeing the girls eyes bulge at the sight of a whip, Mark continued with his plan.
“So girls, the first step will begin. Clearly you currently have no intention of cooperating with me, so I will first show you what I am capable of.” Mark said, beginning to swing the whip through the air allowing the sound of it cutting through to reach the girls.

“You can’t be serious right? You can’t possibly be allowed to do this!” cried Jenny now in panic.
“Please don’t, I’ve never been punished with a strap or whip, I’ll do what you ask, just please don’t,” sobbed Sarah.

“I wish I could believe you Sarah, but I know that’s not true. I’ll start with ten each.” Mark replied coolly and then walked around behind the girls noticing their nipples were hard and erect from the cold of the room. He moved behind Jenny first slipping his index finger under the elastic strap of her panties and slid the down to her thighs, completely exposing her ass. Then walked over to Sarah and lowered hers squeezing her ass as he finished. Then feeling her tense up form the invasion he began to run his hand up her inner thigh.

“Please no!” Sarah gasped as he invaded her most private areas. But Mark, knowing it was too early to go too far, retreated back behind Jenny. Positioning himself behind Jenny so her face was just visible to him he raised the menacing whip above his head and allowed it to sail down hard across her ass with a loud CRACKS. The first stroke only drew a quick gasp from Jenny and so Mark paused to let her recover before coming down with even greater force. CRACK! A look of complete anguish shot across her face.
“Ahhh, please no please,” begged Jenny.

“That was only two my dear, we’re just beginning,” he retorted. Jenny was so unaccustomed to the pain each blow seemed the worst yet to her. Mark waiting another second and then raised the whip up and allowed three strikes to land quickly in succession hard across her ass, drawing yelps and cries. He knew how to inflict the pain with proper pauses and would allow her to recover just enough to be re inflamed with the crack of the whip. Her ass was now a satisfying bright red with several light stripes across it. After finishing the tenth stroke, Jenny was sniffling lightly and couldn’t bear to even look at Mark. Examining his work, Mark ran his hands over her now warm ass cheeks and gave them a quick squeeze to draw a wince from the already sore Jenny.

Mark had deliberately whipped Jenny first because he knew she would take it better, and Sarah would have to watch in panic. Sarah now completely in fear as he has planned was begging and pleading for him to spare her. Mark himself had trouble pulling his eyes off of her terrified face, because even now she was stunningly beautiful. He also noticed his cock had become increasingly hard and erect during Jenny’s whipping so Sarah’s demeanor was even more exciting. Now positioning himself behind Sarah he raised the whip slowly.

“Please no!” She pleaded a final time.
Mark ignoring her brought it down with near full force across her exposed ass. CRACK. The strike echoed through the room. Sarah let out a terrified yelp gasping for air after the blow. The pain was new to her, and emotionally she couldn’t hold herself together. She was in tears after the first strike. Mark again ignoring her sobs landed four more successive blows across her ass, alternating cheeks. Each blow landed with and earsplitting CRACK and was quickly followed by Sarah’s chocked sobs.
Now half way through, Sarah had decided to end her open sobbing and clench her teeth. The pain was nearly unbearable, but she wouldn’t let herself be beaten completely by Mark. Taking the last five strokes with a clenched face, she held in everything but short gasps of breath after each strike determined to keep her dignity.

Finishing with the first whip Mark handed it to a guard and moved in front of the girls. “I’m proud of you Sarah, you’ve performed well and held yourself together,” Mark said. “And I’m glad to inform you you’ve made it through the warm up round of today’s session.”
This was too much for Sarah, and she began to break down again into a sobs. How could this be the warm up? It was more pain than she’d ever felt in her life. There was no way she could survive more.
But Mark continued, next taking a long bullwhip out of a cabinet.

“Now girls for something a bit heavier,” he informed them, raising the whip without hesitation and striking at Jenny again first lashing across her stomach. Then immediately he pivoted turning to Sarah and lashed a line across her stomach too. Both cried out louder than before, feeling the full bite of the much thicker and heaver leather of the bullwhip. Mark continued alternating between the two each strike ending in a satisfying SNAP, covering each girl front on their stomachs, and behind on their backs with long full bodied stripes. By the end both were reduced to tears and couldn’t imagine anything more painful.

Pausing after finishing with the bullwhip, he received from a guard his final tool of the day, a light riding crop. It was a thin two foot long rod with a handle on one end, and a small flat leather loop on the other. Mark knew how these smaller quicker tools could inflict sharper targeted pain. “Now girls you’re almost finished, but I have been avoiding several areas of your bodies this whole time, and I’m afraid they too will have to be punished before I am through.”

The girls soon realizing what he meant began to sob and plead for him to stop. “This is crazy, why are you doing this to us, we can’t deserve it,” begged Sarah through chocked sobs.”
“I have to Sarah, and your best off listening to what I say as truth if you wish to avoid any pain extra than is necessary,” replied Mark. Then he reached down and with a pair of scissors and completely cut off both of their bras and panties, now exposing their breasts and pussies. Raising the crop to Sarah first now he lightly tapped each breast, letting it move and jiggle with the impact, delighting in their movement. He then tapped her pussy, letting her get a feel for the cold leather against her sensitive virgin skin leather. Sarah began to softly moan with unbearable anticipation with the painful tool so close to her most sensitive area. Then with a sudden jerk Mark lifted the crop high and brought it hard across her left nipple causing a high SNAP and sending Sarah writhing in pain. Without stopping he then moved to the right nipple with another SNAP making her yelp with each hit. He continued alternating breasts until Sarah was begging for him to stop, her beautiful face streaming with tears and genuine regret for her actions. But although he was moved and incredibly aroused by the sight of her pain, he wasn’t done. Taking the ropes securing her ankles, he slid them farther apart on the floor spreading her legs wider apart.
“No you can’t, not there, you can’t!” Sarah pleaded. But Mark didn’t stop, he landed several quick strikes across her pussy reddening it swiftly and sending shooting pain up Sarah’s spine. Here pussy swelled with blood and felt like it was on fire.
“Ahhh! God no!” She cried.

Mark quickly dropped the crop and slid his finger into her virgin pussy and was working his way in and out of it rhythmically, observing her pain. Inside he felt around and was delighted by how tight it was. Her body naturally trying to expel the invasion clenched down hard around his fingers, trying to push him out, but this just encouraged him further. Beginning to push harder and faster now he now added another finger widening the canal further. With her pussy and entire body now so sore, the spreading pain from his fingers was unbearable. He could see her face writhing in pain and streaming tears from the embarrassment.
“How do you like that bitch? Am I still not allowed to touch you? Huh? I can’t hear you?” Mark yelled, pushing deeper and adding a finger. Sarah could do nothing in her power to stop this horrible invasion. She was spread and open for him, and no one could save her now.

Mark began to push deeper and move even faster adding another finger so that he had four inside of her now. Each thrust sent her body upward in a violent convulsion and her breasts jiggled in rhythm to his relentless pushing. Eventually her pussy began to clamp down ever harder and he could feel her beginning to climax. With a few final pushes and several slaps on each breast he finished her off and let her cum on his hand.

“Now look what you did you little bitch, I try to give you some pleasure and you dirty my hand.” Mark hissed slapping her tits again. Then taking his dripping hand he whipped it across her trembling face.
“Why…. Why..” Sarah mumbled only looking down to the floor her whole body shaking form the force of the orgasm.
Seeing Sarah now resigned to her fate Mark demanded once more, “Who is the master here Sarah? Who is your master?”
Hesitating, but knowing now the severe punishment he was capable of she replied, “You, sir.” Sniffling as the mere idea of it, she had now just surrendered herself completely to this ruthless boy.
Mark was pleased with his progress with Sarah and absolutely stunned by her beauty when under such fear. Her soft skin was striped and bright red from the whipping, and small beads of sweat had formed along her stomach, chest, and back, illuminating her skin. Mark reached over and touched her left nipple, stroking it tenderly now, reassuring Sarah the day was over for her. Then leaning in towards her face he gave her one long kiss on the mouth, stroking her erect nipples and warm backside while doing so. After ending the embrace he motioned towards the guards and had her lowered from the bar and returned silently to her cell. At this point Sarah was too traumatized from the day’s events to fully comprehend the long kissing embrace, so she moved silently and cooperatively back to her cell without a word and only a passing glance to her still hanging best friend.

Mark now turned his attention to Jenny, a case he would enjoy in a whole different way. “So Jenny, it’s just you and me now that I’ve already acquainted myself intimately with your closest friend,” Mark said with a menacing smile.
“You’re sick you know that? You took advantage of her when she was so innocent, you know she’s shy at school,” Jenny spat back.
“Yes I do know that, and I also know you’re not so innocent so it will take a little extra to keep you in line. So let’s start with the crop!”
Still trying to hold her pride Jenny had trouble keeping a straight face while looking down at the menacing crop.
“So my girl, where-should-we-start?” Mark asked tapping her breasts lightly with each word and smiling. Then with a sudden swish he landed the crop hard against her right breast CRACK.
“Ow!” yelped Jenny feeling the sting of the leather on such a tender area.
CRACK across the left breast he landed another strike, leaving a temporary rectangular mark in the shape of the leather and drawing another painful yell from Jenny. “Not so defiant now eh Jenny?” CRACK back to the right breast, now straight on the nipple. “I can’t hear you Jenny?” CRACK harder again on her left nipple. “Are you still going to hold it in, I can do this all day and all night Jenny just watch me!” Mark yelled landing three more strikes in quick succession on each breast.

“No ah please, stop, please!” yelled Jenny between each strike gasping for breath. The tears had begun to surface again and she was barely able to hold them back, no matter what she told herself, she had to keep her dignity. Mark paused now and stepped back, admiring her heaving sore breasts, still firm in reaction to such punishment.

“Well, seeing as you’ve abused you’re pussy already in school, as we all know. I’ve decided to skip the little finger fucking I gave to your friend over there, and use something you’re a little more familiar with,” Mark laughed. Whirling around he grabbed something from a guards hands and walked slowly back towards Jenny. As he moved closer she realized what it was, a massive dildo. It had to be at least a foot long and wider than she could have imagined ever fitting into her pussy. Mark seeing the terrified look on her face, laughed and said “I can see this is very familiar to you, you little slut, how about I let you do what you do best!” Then without warning he shoved the huge dildo, still dry, at least four inches up her pussy.

Jenny felt like her entire crotch was on fire. Her cunt lips were being pried open far passed their size and her guts were being shoved out of the way to make room for the massive rubber cock. Mark then begin to work it slowly in and out, sticking up to six inches in at a time and twisting just to watch her face contort into grimaces of pain. Jenny had tried sex briefly in school before, but the boy’s cock had been nothing near to this size!

“Please stop, anything,” she gasped.
“Anything what? Bitch what?” Mark yelled pushing the dildo in another half inch.
“I will do, anything please!” She cried.
“Then who is the master around here, who is your total master!” Mark yelled again.
“You sir, you are!” She cried.
“Just what I wanted to hear,” laughed Mark and he ended her pain by letting her cum on the dildo after a few more quick thrusts. Then he slid the dildo out slowly, letting her pussy unclench from around it, and her cuntal juices to drip to the floor. Now there was just one more thing left for Jenny to do. “So Jenny, since I’m your new master, would you mind helping me? I could use someone to clean this dildo and seeing as you’re all tied up I’d recommend using your mouth.” Mark said raising the dripping dildo up to her repulsed face. He slowly wiped it across her cheek and pressed it against her lips. Jenny, with tears streaming down her face, choked her sobs back and took the dildo in her mouth and began to lick her own juices from it.

“That’s a good bitch, lick it good, get all of it off, good girl.” Mark cooed
After letting her clean the whole shaft, he removed the dildo and had her lowered down and brought sobbing back to her cell. Mark taking a last look at the dejected girls in their cells, bid them goodnight and then shut the outer door, leaving them cold and alone in their cells. The girls to shocked form the traumatizing experiences traded little more than stares until they eventually fell asleep with their bodies completely sore, fearing they may not rest again for a long time.

End of Chapter One


I'd love to improve this story and eventually post it on the main site, so thanks again for any advice.

xDantex111
07-31-2007, 09:17 PM
I apologize if the formatting is a little difficult on the eyes, I can't seem to figure out how to get the indentations right after copying it from a word document.

Dragon's muse
08-10-2007, 10:24 AM
The first thing i would do with this is to dump the expository lump at the beginning of the story. Weave the necessary information into the narrative. Or form it as a narrative bit. Maybe a conversation between the headmaster and Mark.

Secondly, a thorough proofreading to catch some problems.

The basic storyline is good, but the lump of information at the beginning may keep some readers from ever getting to it.

A basic rule of thumb is that you need a "hook" somewhere in the first couple of paragraphs. What amounts to a history lesson is not a hook. Your first few paragraphs are pure exposition and they telegraph too much of the plot.

When writing, you have to remember that there are lots of things that YOU, as the writer, need to know but that are not necessary for the reader to know from the outset. Draw them into your world a little before you give them all the history and exposition.

Just my tuppence,
rose