New Sub needs guidance

[soozee]

I'm 34 years old and for last couple of years have struggled with the desire to be a sub. I have a partner, 3 children and a good job. Sex is fantastic and I am happy so why do i feel this need? Someone said to me that once you admitted it to yourself it never went away, and thats how it feels. My partner is into light stuff but nothing heavy. I have spoken to three doms, one freaked me out completely, but the other I am still in touch with via email. I have been reading bdsm stories for over a year now, but this is the first time I have put a note on. I want some advice/experiences. I am desperate to to do this but scared at the same time.

[GaryWilcox]

Let me recommend you not to take advice from Doms/Tops on this subject.

Let me then put you in total paradox by offering this advice:

Listen to FindingFantasy, SlaveLucy, Nikka Jones, Woodsmansgame, Shelleyfemme... there are too many submissives on this forum with excellent experience to share for me to name, but those are some that readily come to mind. Sometime, come on over to the chatroom (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/chat/) and PM with them when they're on.

[Duetta]

I would love to go to the chatroom and follow your advice (since I'm in a situation similar to soozee).

Just one problem.....

Darn thing won't let me on!!! :(
Apparently there's some kind of error....
Now the thing is, I'm really not any good with anything technical, and not too comfortable with asking friends.

Anybody got an idea about what the problem might be????

Duetta

[GaryWilcox]

Duetta,

first of all, many people who use Internet Explorer tend to be quick-switchers, leaping between open windows. You can't do that when loading a Java chat window.

Click on it in an open window and wait. The entry page somes up first. When you click open, there'll be a brief wait while the Security Warning comes up. When it comes, select "yes" and then you can dance between windows all you want.

If you switch before then, the Security Warning might get stuck somewhere.

[slavelucy]

Hi soozee,

For some reason i've only just seen this thread....i really should try opening my eyes when i browse the forums. *g*

Firstly, when you say 'i have a partner, 3 children and a good job, so why do i feel the need?' (paraphrased) - i don't think an interest in BDSM, or, more specifically the desire to be submissive is something people feel or do only because they have nothing better to do or are disatisfied with other areas of their lives...that's like saying 'i have a good job, partner, friends etc etc....so why do i feel the need to eat chocolate?'.

*looks momentarily lost in chocolate reverie* yuuuum!

*focus lucy, focus* - um, anyway, i think this view originates in the misconception that BDSM related activities are merely little games to 'spice up' your sex life (not yours specifically, people's, generally), particularly relevant in light of you stating that you have a good sex life.

As for wanting to be submissive, i think you put it pretty well yourself, when you say:


Originally posted by soozee
Someone said to me that once you admitted it to yourself it never went away, and thats how it feels.

...the desire to be dominated DOES get into your blood, once you've faced up to it (for want of a much better term).

In terms of where you should go from here, i'm unclear as to whether you want to pursue a D/s relationship with your partner or get involved in an o/l relationship, or what the nature of your relationship was/is with those on-line Doms (i.e. whether you wanted to get into something with them or were just talking to/taking advice from them). If you have a good relationship with your partner and he/she has indicated that he's not adverse to it, then i would suggest that you should perhaps explore this avenue first.

You hint that your respective interest in BDSM may differ somewhat, but is this something you've talked about or just sort of picked up on? i think you should talk to him about it, no disrespect to any of our lovely chaps on here, but i think it is easy to assume an awful lot about what men are thinking/feeling and actually be way off the mark...he also may be concerned that you will be shocked by things he wants to do, so all in all, talking seems the best way to go. You could perhaps combine this with the odd 'suggestion' in bed, (i.e. in the heat of the moment), even if you don't 'do' the suggestion, it kind of puts it on the agenda.

Be sure, however, in the talking, not to imply that you don't enjoy the sex you currently have with him....make it more of a positive conversation than a negative one in that sense...i.e. although you really MUST make it clear how important wanting to be sub is, i think it is important to stress how much this would add to the relationship for you, as opposed to 'because right now, i feel lousy about the whole thing'...if you see what i mean. Oh, and be prepared to compromise slightly, if necessary (after all, it will be something you will end up doing a lot of if you really get into being submissive! :D)

If all this doesn't work out, perhaps you could consider exploring the o/l side of things, or any other avenues....but i wouldn't worry about that right now.

Hope this helps. :)

sl

[Duetta]

Thanks Gary!!! :)

It worked, now I just have to figure out, how it works in the chatrooms. Those chatrooms I normally go to, are build up in a rather different manner....

Hope to meet some people and get some answers etc....

Duetta

[Gallardo]

Sorry to say but I think the chatroom is dead. I think most people prefer the forums.

[soozee]

Hi Lucy,

Thank you for your advice and balanced view on things. I will take on board what you have said. In answer to your question re whether I was interested in pursuing D/s relationship with someone online, I guess the answer would have been yes. But what you said made a lot of sense and I think I will perhaps talk to my partner a bit more about this, I have tried to gently push him in that direction and when he does get more dominant I hope that my responses have shown that I want more of the same, however my belief is that he needs more of a balanced sex life, by my nature I think I am more extreme.

The thought has occured to me that I could have the best of both worlds, and although I know subs can lead two independant lives in reality I am unsure how that would work for me.

Thank you once again for all youir comments, this has been the first time I have placed a question on this thread

[MasterRJ]

I haven't bothered to read the replies to this yet (being the lazy one I am) but I can say this, it seems to me you feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Don't be. This is just a personal experience, but when I was (in the ball park of...) ten, I found myself growing rather affectionate to a young girl my age. I can honestly say she was the first girl I ever loved. Around that same age, both our family's had to move. I never knew why until I was twelve, but for some reason I wasn't allowed to talk with her on the phone. When I was 12 or 13 I found out that she had been raped. A little later on in life, I started struggling with fantasies of raping girls. After a while I began to embrace these fantasies. Though I don't dominate real people, I read stories, sometimes roleplay over the internet. I feel better about my self. I know I feel the exact same high I would feel through raping a person...but yet...on the same token I'm not doing any one harm.

-RJ