needing advice, if you please.

[submissivelilslut]

At the risk of becoming cliché and asking advice from people i don't know, i have a bit of a dilemma.

i've been with my Dom for just under a year now. Now before i go on, let me give the following information: both of us are married to other people, happily so. My husband knows and i don't think she does. He works around Europe a fair bit, so seeing me under the guise of "work" is believable. While we may not get to see each other as often as we'd like, it's still better than nothing at all. The last time i saw him was in May - a brilliant birthday trip to Amsterdam turned into a horrible weekend when i brought my daughter's flu with me - it was going out from every direction. Of course i was disappointed in the outcome, who wouldn't be? i wanted the perfect weekend away, and i went and got just sick in ways that nobody should. After that point, both of our time just got crazy - summer things, i moved, holidays, etc.

About three weeks ago or so, we arranged to get together from the 29-31st of August. The week prior he would be with his wife for an anniversary trip, so that was a good time to go. i haven't heard from him for about three weeks now.

Am i right in feeling just a tad hurt, upset, and angry? i'm not easily pushed to the point where i want to give up (indeed, some people may say i'm giving up too soon) - but this has me frustrated and then some.

So i suppose what i'd like is any input - good, bad, or otherwise.

Thanks in advance.

[Slade]

In these situations it is far too easy for one person or any number of people to get hurt emotionally, it's a risk.

In this case have you tried to get in contact with him? If so and you got nothing has this ever happened before.

You have to remember he is married and that relationship will always come first for him, the anniversary trip might have bonded him and his wife once more that he might have felt guilty. It's hard to say really since anything could have happened. He might be swamped with work and has simply not contacted you.

Knowing what you know about him it's best for you to make the judgement you think is best.

[submissivelilslut]

i've tried getting in contact with him, to no avail. He can be sporadic with contact at times, but never quite to this extent.

i understand that his marriage comes first, as mine also does. and if he's feeling bonded with his wife or whatever, that's great. but surely, having had made plans to get together this past week, he could've been courteous enough to tell me that it wouldn't be happening in advance?

i'm extremely frustrated - possibly in part because it's not so strange for him to go a week or so without talking to me or emailing me in the slightest. We both say how we dislike really needy people, so that often deters me from saying much of anything to him about it, because i don't want to appear to be that kind of needy person.

[Slade]

You are right, it would have been courteous for him to have given you notice in advance. If he did indeed get things going great with his wife he might have wanted to tell you but felt unable to do so. It's not easy to break things off with people so some simply do nothing, that may have been what he did but that is only one possibility.

If you do talk to him again you should tell him what you really feel, not saying anything can cause trouble in the first place.

[submissivelilslut]

i've considered that this was his way of breaking it off (for whatever reason), particularly as someone had sent me an email upon seeing that we were together (the online realm is wonderful that way), that was to give me a bit of "warning" (without much details) about him being a bit flaky and how he just stopped contacting her without reason.

Perhaps this is the same thing, i don't know. What i do know is that it's inconsiderate, at the very least. And i actually have said something to him - one time i wrote a rather lengthy email telling him how i was feeling about certain aspects of our relationship, and aside from a mention in passing while we were chatting online, there was no reply to it.

i'm not trying to whine, i'm just trying to figure things out.

[Slade]

You are not whining in any fashion at all.

As a dom he has responsibilities to you and vice versa. If someone else did contact you about him then that might be indeed a good warning against him, especially now that he's gone so long without talking to you.

If he isn't acting serious enough towards you then you likely shouldn't give him the consideration either.

[margaret]

Frankly, if he can't have the consideration to let you know he needs to cancel a multiple day visit, then you deserve better. Just because he's a Dom doesn't mean he's exempt from showing common courtesy!

[Sir_Russell]

well said.

I once had a slave that bragged that her Master could be in a car wreck and would still get word to her some how.

[ElectricBadger]

I have to play the devil's advocate a bit here...affairs are not things that ever end well. I'm no fan of monogamy, but there's a reason cheating on one's partner is highly discouraged. In such an emotionally charged situation, this may in some ways be the best solution; as nice as a calm conversation would have been, it's probably not likely.

I think you're very proper in feeling hurt, upset and angry; you have cause to feel them all. But temper that with the knowledge that it shouldn't be entirely unexpected, particularly with a couple warning signs you've mentioned.

[Uncle_Ed]

I believe that good communication=good relationship. Bad communication=bad relationship.

I would propose no communication=no relationship, therefore.

Just my take, though.

[princess_of_pain]

I tend to concur with Uncle Ed. I don't mean to be dismissive, just simple and direct: no answer (usually) is the answer.

I'm terribly sorry though that you've been hurt. *Hugs*

[submissivelilslut]

Badger, i'm really not a fan of cheating either, to be honest. For a long time i wouldn't deal with anyone who was married or whose wife/gf/partner/etc didn't know what was going on. Then it just kind of happens. Of course i know the risks involved, but i also tend to think better of people and think that they'll pay me the same courtesies - in any situation - that i would pay to them. Clearly this is not the case here.

Everyone else, thank you for your thoughts - they pretty much confirm my own feelings and makes me feel validated. Your support and words have given me lots to think about, thank you *hugs*

[blythe spirit]

IMHO... If he's not seriously injured or worse, he took the COWARD'S way out.

If you didn't feel the emotions you're feeling, I'd be concerned. Although cliche and not much help... "time heals all."

[Rhabbi]

I fall in with blythe here, unless there is a reason he could not contact you that involves injury he is a coward.

[submissivelilslut]

yes, i'm not thinking all that highly of him at the moment either - the term coward is the nicest thing to fall from my lips right now :(

[nk_lion]

Look on the bright side, you have your marraige, with a husband who understands your needs enough to allow you to have a seperate dom, you are a mother to a daughter which if not a blessing, atleast a good distraction and you have your health.
Maybe not a lot to go by, but enough to start with.

[submissivelilslut]

Look on the bright side, you have your marraige, with a husband who understands your needs enough to allow you to have a seperate dom, you are a mother to a daughter which if not a blessing, atleast a good distraction and you have your health.
Maybe not a lot to go by, but enough to start with.

nk_lion, you're absolutely right. i definitely count my lucky stars on a daily basis - how can i not? my husband, my kids (4!) - my life in general really is charmed. But this hurts; a lot. i think it goes without saying that just because i'm married, it doesn't mean i don't form attachments with other people - i mean, if i'm letting someone use and abuse me, so to speak, i think there's a huge attachment there (at least in my case, anyway).

i just don't understand how you cannot just at least have the courtesy to say "you know, things have changed, and this just isn't working" - particularly from a guy who constantly told me that i'd always be his, etc. And i hope i'm not coming across as being extremely willing to toss it all away in a second or anything - because i'm far from it. It's just that while this is the first time he's stood me up, this isn't the first time that i've gone over 10 days or so without hearing from him in any way at all; i guess it's a straw breaking the camel's back sort of thing.

[crazy_grrluk]

Has it ever crossed anyones minds here that something bad might have happened to submissivelilslut's Dom???? To the point he has not be able to be in contact???? or able to get in contact?????

sorry but is worth a thought before jumping to conclusions

cg

[Dorkalicious]

I have to go with crazy here....

It's possible that something has happened to him and there is nothing he could do. I suppose the only thing to do is to wait it out. Of course there are lots of things to consider here. I just cross my fingers that the best comes out in the end rather then the worst.

[submissivelilslut]

crazy_grrluk and Dorkalicious (btw, that name makes me smile), i've actually considered that. i know that, at the very least, he was last around online on the 26th of August. He definitely could've been in an accident since then, and in a crazy weird way, part of me hopes that's the case (not that i wish him bodily harm), because that would explain the lack of communication. Otherwise, i'm feeling rather shafted.