help???

[fallenstar]

ok here goes. i'm very new to the scene,both online and r/l. however i have a wonderful master although we've only gotten together recently. i haven't seen master in over a week. the last time i saw him i was told to mastrubate daily. i did for a few days,then i stopped. i kept getting frustrated. see i'm also on restriction, he's not going to touch me until i deserve/earn it. now the time i'm going to see him is coming up soon, either tomorrow or friday-- and i'm nervous as hell because i've deliberately disobeyed him :( . at first i knew i did it b/c i wanted to see his reaction, now i'm just nervous as anything b/c i believe he'll be mad when he finds out. now here's where i need advice-- do you think he would be less angry if i told him myself i've disobeyed him or wait until he asks-- what would you do if it was Your submissive/slave that decided to push you or test their boundaries with you?

[Wordsmith]

One thing to bear in mind is that all Masters/Mistresses are different, we react differently depending on our personalities, just like every other human being on the planet. Personally, I would want my sub to confess to me that she had disobeyed my order. I shouldn't have to ask if she did what I told her, It is assumed that she followed my order...If she disobeyed me and I found out some way other than her telling me directly I would be disappointed and hurt. Disappointed that she did not follow my instructions, and hurt that she did not trust me or respect me enough to confess her transgression.

As I said this is just my opinion...every Dom/me will have their own take on the situation, but I'm going to advise that you tell your Master, don't make it the first thing that is said...get the hello's out of the way first :) but tell him. Good luck.

[fallenstar]

thank you-- we should be going out to dinner tomorrow...i'll try to tell him sometime throughout dinner or afterwards-- its very hard its not even punishment that i fear, its seeing either disappointment and/or anger that i deliberately disobeyed him

[moptop]

Yes, the disappointment is always the worst. If he is an experienced dom - or even if he is just learning but has read up on this stuff - he will not be surprised. One thing about being a sub - you are learning; and he is teaching you.

It is early days. He may or may not punish you at all - other than to express his displeasure.

But you should tell him. Absolutely, tell him. Open communication, trust: again and again you will hear these as the fundamentals. Do you keep a journal? Do you email him? I'd tell him sooner rather than later, you know. Not telling him is compounding the error.

Oh - and CR, OD - teasing and denial - it is HARD! We all fail some time or another - really it is not just you; and we all rebel, and do things because we want that reaction - we are testing our ground. Read the orgasm control threads - they're good for learning, they're good for a laugh.

Oh - and - just 'cos you stopped - does that mean you can't start again? Show him you're trying?

[Ozme52]

Not to mention you cheated yourself out of whatever orgasmic reward he had in mind for you.

There's a thread called Cum Restriction Support and though it was started for different reasons, there's a lot of good information about how many doms use CR & CD for reasons of training and rarely as punishment.

Cum Restriction Support Thread (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11939&highlight=restriction+support)

That might help you persevere next time.

PS (Ignore the part of the thread about "good punishments" That was off topic.)

[Rhabbi]

Not to mention you cheated yourself out of whatever orgasmic reward he had in mind for you.

There's a thread called Cum Restriction Support and though it was started for different reasons, there's a lot of good information about how many doms use CR & CD for reasons of training and rarely as punishment.

Cum Restriction Support Thread (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11939&highlight=restriction+support)

That might help you persevere next time.

PS (Ignore the part of the thread about "good punishments" That was off topic.)

Come on Oz, it wasn't that bad.

[John56{vg}]

fallenstar,

Don't worry and moptop and Ma'am seem to have some good words for you. You will do fine. BUt, yes, tell him.

[fallenstar]

thank you all-- i'm going to tell him as soon as i get up the nerve-- hopefully tonight-- in response to Ozme52-- i don't orgasm for some reason. i haven't been able to. master knows, he said i just have to find whats right for me. so he othat the mastrubation is just a frustrating tease because nothing will come of it

[Ozme52]

thank you all-- i'm going to tell him as soon as i get up the nerve-- hopefully tonight-- in response to Ozme52-- i don't orgasm for some reason. i haven't been able to. master knows, he said i just have to find whats right for me. so he othat the mastrubation is just a frustrating tease because nothing will come of it


Hun. That's sad... but with training can usually be overcome. And I'd personally be including both CR & CD in the training program. You just need a little help altering your mindset... followed by some body and reflex conditioning.

Don't give up hope.

[tessa]

Yeah, Oz, come on. It wasn't that bad. ;)

fallenstar, if you were willfully disobedient, then you get what you get. Just the way it's set up. But if you are genuinely struggling with this topic, just be open and willing to discuss and admit what your feelings and problems are regarding this. Your Dom should be understanding and helpful about it all.

And, if you're having trouble coming to orgasm (yeah, gratuitous pun right there), if you aren't sure why, please see your doctor to rule out any physical issues?

Best to you-
tessa :wave:

[Austerus]

One more vote for Tell Him Yourself. Telling him yourself at least shows that you know you did something wrong, you feel bad about it, and you are submitting yourself to him for judgment regarding the failure. Bonus points if you ask to be punished for it when you tell him.

[tessa]

Bonus points if you ask to be punished for it when you tell him.

~makes a note in my handy-dandy Hello Kitty sub notebook~

[jeanne]

fallenstar - I recently wrestled with the very same thing - first I was going to lie. Then I was going to tell him I had failed, if he asked. Then I was going to just wait a few days.

Guess who drove herself completely crazy? Me! So I told him, got it over with, we talked about it (yes, punishment is coming when we see each other next) and it's over. As long as I held onto it, I was miserable. Because I was withholding trust, you see? And when I withhold trust, I'm not really surrendering to him. And that felt really yucky.

And yet, I still struggle with trust.
jeanne

[fallenstar]

jeanne..you know what...that sounds so familiar right now. i've thought about lying but discarded it because i can't lie to him. i just can't. i guess want Him to know i know i was wrong and deserve what evers coming. i feel guilty ever time we talk because i know i've disobeyed him even though he doesn't know yet.

[fallenstar]

i told my master tonight and as i knew he was extremely displeased to say the least :( . i had it coming though. thank you all for the advice, hopefully it has helped me learn from my idiocy = /

[Sir_Russell]

subs fail and subs test their Doms sound like you had a little of both going here. Next time he assigns you tasks that you have a real problem with then call him or email him explain and beg to be allowed to change the task. A Dom that doesn't listen to his sub isn't much of a Dom. Also a Dom that knows he have given a very difficult area of your life that he must help you with it.

[cadence]

~makes a note in my handy-dandy Hello Kitty sub notebook~

Ohhh... You have a Hello Kitty sub notebook? I'm jealous!



i told my master tonight and as i knew he was extremely displeased to say the least :( . i had it coming though. thank you all for the advice, hopefully it has helped me learn from my idiocy = /

No not idiocy, just a small stumble. I am sure that your Master appreciates your honesty more than the fact that you made a mistake.

[orangeblossoms]

I hear ya, disappointment is a lot worse than any punishment any Domme can dish out atleast for me, he will probably appreciate your honesty, and probably be a little upset but happy that he has a sub that is willing to confide in him and be out in the open even when she breaks the rules a bit :)

[Polaris]

*wants a Hello Kitty sub notebook too*

Lying in my experience really doesn't make much sense in such a situation. First of all, it makes yourself feel horrible because you know it's just plain wrong, even more so in a situation where trust, honesty and communication are so vital. Moreso, doms seem to have built-in lie detectors that tell them if you REALLY did something or if you just PRETENDED to do it. It's one of their mysteries, I guess. Or maybe it's just that I'm an awful liar and actually never lie...whatever.

I think telling him was the right choice, fallenstar. He won't be disappointed in you forever, and the great thing with punishment is that you pay for what you did wrong, and that's it then. No year-long grudges. It's one reason why I believe dom/sub relationships in any constellation are easier than vanilla relationships, but that's an altogether different topic. We all slip sometimes. But we all also learn a thing or two from our slips, so don't get too discouraged or disappointed :)

[Logic1]

One thing to bear in mind is that all Masters/Mistresses are different, we react differently depending on our personalities, just like every other human being on the planet. Personally, I would want my sub to confess to me that she had disobeyed my order. I shouldn't have to ask if she did what I told her, It is assumed that she followed my order...If she disobeyed me and I found out some way other than her telling me directly I would be disappointed and hurt. Disappointed that she did not follow my instructions, and hurt that she did not trust me or respect me enough to confess her transgression.

As I said this is just my opinion...every Dom/me will have their own take on the situation, but I'm going to advise that you tell your Master, don't make it the first thing that is said...get the hello's out of the way first :) but tell him. Good luck.

Ma_am, are you my female twin, separated at birth or something?
That is exactly my opinion.
Honesty and openness and discussions are important. I know for myself that the worst thing a sub can do to me is lie. That is something I simply dont accept. Disappointment and hurt is what I feel then.
Failure I can accept if she is open with it and especially if I know that the task is hard for her.
Better to fail and be open about it than fail and lie about doing it and me finding out afterwards.
The punishment for the two are completely different. One might not even lead to a punishment if the explanation is good and the other has a harsh one attached to it.

[Guest 91108]

just a couple thoughts..

I liked ma'am 's reply to the thread.

a sub who chooses to test a her Dominant ... so much of that I dissapprove of. Is a bad thing to do in a rt relationship.
wonders why it is necessary in online?

on the stopping a task or failure to complete.. everyone is correct.. tell the Dominant. Be open and honest as to why.
Do not test to see what the Dom will do.

And because you know you tested him and that he may be mad.. .you should equally be ready to receive his punishment knowing one deserves the other.

[Wordsmith]

i told my master tonight and as i knew he was extremely displeased to say the least :( . i had it coming though. thank you all for the advice, hopefully it has helped me learn from my idiocy = /


not idiocy dear. we are imperfect creatures. I'm sure that your Dom was more disappointed that the task was not completed, not angry with you. But don't you feel better for having told Him? I hope so. And if anything you have learned a lesson from this, and that means it was not a failure or a waste. Do not think yourself less than the wonderful person I am sure you are because of one stumble. If you were perfect there would be no need for Master to train you or work with you on becoming a better sub. Hang in there dear. you did good telling him.




Ma_am, are you my female twin, separated at birth or something?


Logic...i guess anything is possible...I've already found my "Little brother" here on the forum as well as my twin...might as well add you to my quickly extending family :cool:

[Ruby]

fallenstar,

I'm so glad that you told him.

Care to share the results of that?

Instead of beating yourself up, let's look to the future.


Next time he assigns you tasks that you have a real problem with then call him or email him explain and beg to be allowed to change the task.


I agree with Sir Russell.

If my Nat was having difficulty with any of the tasks
I'd given him, I would fully expect him to let me know
sooner, rather than later. The stress, anxiety and resentment of holding in our frustration aren't worth it.

To your success,

Ruby

[fallenstar]

first off i hate when computers freeze, i was in the process of posting :mad:
so i was talking to Master last night via AIM and told him i needed to tell him something. he Was busy but said to tell him anyway-- i quite nearly chickened out. so i told him that i had disobeyed him and i had stopped. what ever i was expecting as a response was certainly Not to be ignored. i couldnt handle it. after five minutes(it felt SO much longer than that) of silence i begged him to Please say something. he told me that he was very unhappy with me, and that he hated to be disappointed(looks down shamefully). but that since i was new and he honestly didn't have the time to see to it, he would let it pass.this time. i felt he way being FAR too nice so made sure i told him that i had wanted to test him and see how far i could push him. he only told me never to do it again. that he didn't have the time at the moment to be as stringent with me as he wished or to pay as much attention to me as he wished. i was more than lucky, and have never before been glad for his busy schedule-- because of it i got a freebie and nothing more than a scolding and a threat to never do it again. i know whats coming if i decide to test him again so hopefully i've learned enough from this to try my best not to disobey him so easily again. and i will strenuoulsy add, that the knowledge he was disappointed in me was worse than anything else he would have done had he the time.:(

[orangeblossoms]

yes, probably not a good idea to test him or tell him your testing him again, you'll earn a beating faster than you can say it (personal experience)

[fallenstar]

yeah i don't believe i'll be testing him Any time soon--- i think i'll be on utterly good behaviour for awhile :)

[Wordsmith]

I learned at a young age from my parents that the phrase "I'm very disappointed in you" can be worse than any other punishment that can be handed down. It's over now and you have learned from it :) that is what is important.

[orangeblossoms]

good luck fallen star! Im sure your going to be an utterly wonderful sub for your Domme! :)

[fallenstar]

yes Ma_am (heh) thanx to you all

[Guest 91108]

Sounds like things are better on both sides fallenstar.
remember what you learned here.
being sassy , bratty and testy isn't acceptable behavior by everyone.

[Logic1]

I would go so far as to say that being sassy, bratty and testy isnt accepteable behavior by anyone Wolf.

and yes I think that being told that the person is disappointed by you is really worse than most other punishments imagineable.
it hurts soul deep insted of skin deep.

[Sir_Russell]

I want to add that punishment isn't all way beatings or physical the worst ones are mental in nature.

Also remember the worst punishment any Dom/me has is release of the sub/slave. Testing done to the extreme risks that.