rach's first assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Welcome to the block!!

Craft a scene/chapter/story with the following opening:

Pain riveted through Paula's head like a dozen hyperactive woodpeckers; she always hated herself when she drank too much.

[rach]

Pain riveted through Paula's head like a dozen hyperactive woodpeckers; she always hated herself when she drank too much. The room span as she stared at the ceiling. She closed her eyes against the dizziness that swept over her and heaved a sigh. At least she was in her own bed, and didn’t seem to have an unwanted companion, which was a major improvement on some mornings after.

Behind her closed lids, and against the throbbing in her head, she tried desperately to remember anything of the night, but before she got very far, a wave of nausea came over her. She groaned and cursed, lurched out of bed, and stumbled over the wreck of clothes on the floor, nearly landing in an untidy heap. She made it to the bathroom with seconds to spare, and knelt on the cold floor, half sobbing as she was sick down the toilet. The same thought kept going through her head, why did she do this to herself? Finally nothing more would come; she retched for a few more minutes before resting her forehead on the refreshingly cold toilet bowl. She eventually managed to struggle slowly to her feet, shivering in the cold air, and walked half crouched like an old woman back to her bedroom. She crawled back into bed and feeling a little improved went back to trying to remember last night. She remembered a tall dark man, with kind eyes called Marcus whom she had enjoyed talking to. But that warm memory led to a less pleasant one. They had been interrupted by a girl who had decided they were getting too cosy and pulled him away. She had at the time assumed she was his girlfriend. Beth had run into him at bar however, and he had told her that the girl was a friend of his brother’s. Both she and his brother believed they would be a perfect couple, but he was less convinced.

Paula groaned as she remembered what had happened later, she had intended to keep her distance, not wishing to cause any hassle, but a few drinks more and all her good intentions had been swept away. She had blatantly flirted with Marcus, snuggling up to him. Her actions had aggravated both the girl and Marcus’s brother and no doubt embarrassed Marcus. But with her courage and stupidity fuelled by drink, she hadn’t cared. Things had escalated with Paula and the girl arguing. Beth had eventually dragged her away, but not before Paula had kissed Marcus. She couldn’t really remember what his reaction had been, but she doubted he had been impressed. Her head throbbed even more and her stomach lurched in remembered embarrassment.

Paula groaned, and for once wished she couldn’t remember what had happened. She’d have to be careful going to that particular pub now because it was Marcus’s local. Damn it, The Bird had been one of her favourite places to go. She’d have to apologise to Beth as well, again. She sometimes wondered why Beth still went out drinking with her.

Her mobile phone rang, jangling through her throbbing head. She scrambled too quickly around the bed trying to find it. She swore as it stopped ringing and lay back fighting nausea again. It was probably just Beth ringing to check up on her, but she should ring her back to reassure her anyway. The phone rang again, making her jump. She had a voicemail. As she listened she started to smile, it was Marcus.

“Hello Paula, its Marcus. I hope you don’t mind me ringing you. Beth gave me your number. I’d love to see you again. My number is…..”

[Rhabbi]

Nice story rach, very good for a first effort.


Pain riveted through Paula's head like a dozen hyperactive woodpeckers; she always hated herself when she drank too much. The room span This may be one of those English/American things, or you might have typed the wrong word. Spun is the word I would use, though span is correct also. as she stared at the ceiling. She closed her eyes against the dizziness that swept over her and heaved a sigh. At least she was in her own bed, and didn’t seem to have an unwanted companion, which was a major improvement on some mornings after.

Behind her closed lids, and against the throbbing in her head, she tried desperately to remember anything of the night, but before she got very far, a wave of nausea came over her. She groaned and cursed, lurched out of bed, and stumbled over the wreck of clothes on the floor, nearly landing in an untidy heap. She made it to the bathroom with seconds to spare, and knelt on the cold floor, half-sobbing as she was sick down the toilet. The same thought kept going through her head, why did she do this to herself? Finally, nothing more would come; she retched for a few more minutes before resting her forehead on the refreshingly cold toilet bowl. She eventually managed to struggle slowly to her feet, shivering in the cold air, and walked, half crouched like an old woman, back to her bedroom. She crawled back into bed and feeling a little improved went back to trying to remember last night. She remembered a tall dark man, with kind eyes called Marcus whom she had enjoyed talking to. But delete that warm memory led to a less pleasant one. They had been interrupted by a girl who had decided they were getting too cosy, and pulled him away. She had at the time delete assumed she was his girlfriend. Beth had run into him at bar however, and he had told her that the girl was a friend of his brother’s. Both she and his brother believed they would be a perfect couple, but he was less convinced. This whole thing is confusing. I think you are saying that this girl who pulled Marcus away from Paula wanted Marcus, and his brother thought they would be a good couple also. But Marcus was not so sure. And this is only after reading it a few times. And who is Beth? Later we can see she is Paula's friend, but here she is totally confusing.

Paula groaned as she remembered what had happened later, she had intended to keep her distance, not wishing to cause any hassle, but a few drinks more, and all her good intentions had been swept away. She had blatantly flirted with Marcus, snuggling up to him. Her actions had aggravated both the girl and Marcus’s brother and no doubt embarrassed Marcus. But, with her courage and stupidity fuelled is this a British spelling? I am always hesitant to correct spellings between the UK an the US, but I think this is just wrong. by drink, she hadn’t cared. Things had escalated with Paula and the girl arguing. Beth had eventually dragged her away, but not before Paula had kissed Marcus. She couldn’t really remember what his reaction had been, but she doubted he had been impressed. Her head throbbed even more and her stomach lurched in remembered embarrassment.

Paula groaned, and for once wished she couldn’t remember what had happened. She’d have to be careful going to that particular pub now because it was Marcus’s local. Damn it, The Bird had been one of her favourite places to go. She’d have to apologise to Beth as well, again. She sometimes wondered why Beth still went out drinking with her.

Her mobile phone rang, jangling through her throbbing head. She scrambled too quickly around the bed trying to find it. She swore as it stopped ringing and lay back fighting nausea again. It was probably just Beth ringing to check up on her, but she should ring her back to reassure her anyway. The phone rang again, making her jump. She had a voicemail. As she listened she started to smile, it was Marcus.

“Hello Paula, it's Marcus. I hope you don’t mind me ringing you. Beth gave me your number. I’d love to see you again. My number is…..”

Good story as I said, the problem I pointed out with the continuity and the character confusion is the only real problem. Everyone misses a few commas and other things here and there. Good job.

[tessa]

Pain riveted through Paula's head like a dozen hyperactive woodpeckers; she always hated herself when she drank too much.
Absolutely love this!!! So image rich I can feel it. No, I haven't been drinking.



“Hello Paula, its Marcus. I hope you don’t mind me ringing you. Beth gave me your number. I’d love to see you again. My number is…..”
I do enjoy a happy ending. :)

Perhaps, just maybe if you want to? Use paragraph breaks a bit more frequently? It helps with the flow of reading.

Really nice one. :)

tessa :wave:

[rach]

Absolutely love this!!! So image rich I can feel it. No, I haven't been drinking.

I know wish I'd written it!


I do enjoy a happy ending.

Perhaps, just maybe if you want to? Use paragraph breaks a bit more frequently? It helps with the flow of reading. Really nice one.

Nods, I'll try, not so good with paragraphs though. Thanks for the comments.

[rach]

Thanks Rhabbi. I've altered the bits you've suggested in my story in word. Except fuelled as that is British spelling.

Thanks.

[tessa]

It serves to read the whole thread, doesn't it??

Ok, wonderful first line credit goes to the muse. :o

The throw-up part was quite rich in imagery?

:o

[rach]

It serves to read the whole thread, doesn't it??

Ok, wonderful first line credit goes to the muse. :o

The throw-up part was quite rich in imagery?

:o

Giggles, I've been bitten by the 'scan the thread thing' as well! LOL I wasn't sure if I needed a bit more imagery in there or not especially as the first line is so vivid with it.

[Razor7826]

When I drink too much, it is more like steamrollers in my stomach than woodpeckers in my brain, but the visualization still stands as excellent.

[Dragon's muse]

Finally, i am here.

Nice overall tone and good characterization.
i agree with Rhabbi about the continuity issue, but with that fixed this could be a very good start for a series.

i will get your next assignment posted tomorrow or the next day.

Now, on to the nits. If i hit ones that Rhabbi already touched on, just chalk it up to great minds think alike.



Pain riveted through Paula's head like a dozen hyperactive woodpeckers; she always hated herself when she drank too much. The room span (spun) as she stared at the ceiling. She closed her eyes against the dizziness that swept over her and heaved a sigh. At least she was in her own bed, and didn’t seem to have an unwanted companion, which was a major improvement on some mornings after.

Behind her closed lids, and against the throbbing in her head, she tried desperately to remember anything of the night, but before she got very far, a wave of nausea came over her. She groaned and cursed, lurched out of bed, and stumbled over the wreck of clothes on the floor, nearly landing in an untidy heap. She made it to the bathroom with seconds to spare, and knelt on the cold floor, half sobbing as she was sick down the toilet. The same thought kept going through her head, why did she do this to herself? Finally nothing more would come; she retched for a few more minutes before resting her forehead on the refreshingly cold toilet bowl. She eventually managed to struggle slowly to her feet, shivering in the cold air, and walked half crouched like an old woman back to her bedroom. She crawled back into bed and feeling a little improved went back to trying to remember last night. She remembered a tall, dark man, with kind eyes called Marcus whom she had enjoyed talking to. But (delete) that warm memory led to a less pleasant one. They had been interrupted by a girl, who had decided they were getting too cosy, and pulled him away. She had at the time (delete) assumed she was his girlfriend. Too many "she" here. Maybe give the other girl some sort of tag, "the blonde" or "the chick in the orange tube top". Remember, when you use a pronoun like 'she', it refers to the last person mentioned.Beth had run into him at bar however, and he had told her that the girl was a friend of his brother’s (the way this is phrased the right word to end with is "brother". Or you could refer to the girl as "his brother's friend.). Both she and his brother believed they would be a perfect couple, but he was less convinced.

Paula groaned as she remembered what had happened later, (semicolon here) she had intended to keep her distance, not wishing to cause any hassle, but a few drinks more and all her good intentions had been swept away. She had blatantly flirted with Marcus, snuggling up to him. Her actions had aggravated both the girl and Marcus’s brother and, no doubt, embarrassed Marcus. But (delete)with her courage and stupidity fuelled by drink, she hadn’t cared. Things had escalated with Paula and the girl arguing. (a little awkward here. "Things escalated into an argument with the girl." Beth had eventually dragged her away, but not before Paula had kissed Marcus. She couldn’t really remember what his reaction had been, but she doubted he had been impressed. Her head throbbed even more, and her stomach lurched in remembered embarrassment.

Paula groaned, and, for once, wished she couldn’t remember what had happened. She’d have to be careful going to that particular pub now because it was Marcus’s local. Damn it, The Bird had been one of her favourite places to go. She’d have to apologise to Beth as well, again. She sometimes wondered why Beth still went out drinking with her.

Her mobile phone rang, jangling through her throbbing head. She scrambled too quickly around the bed trying to find it. She swore as it stopped ringing and lay back fighting nausea again. It was probably just Beth ringing to check up (checking) on her, but she should ring her back to reassure her anyway. The phone rang again, making her jump. She had a voicemail. As she listened she started to smile, it was Marcus.

“Hello Paula, its Marcus. I hope you don’t mind me ringing you. Beth gave me your number. I’d love to see you again. My number is…..”