How far is too far?

[White Rabbit]

Maybe it is because I am new to the world of kink. Maybe it is just because of my personality and culture. Maybe it happens to others too.

Sometimes when Mistress is beating me really hard, I come into real mental conflict. On the one hand, I know it won't do lasting damage and I'll be fine in a little while. On the other hand, it really hurts, deep pain, and I think about using my safe word to stop it. But then again, I don't really want to use my safe word, because that is like losing against myself and it isn't fully submitting my body to my Mistress. But yet again, maybe the act of using a safe word is the ultimate submission or bond, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of internal conflict? Any pointers on what works best (for you, I mean)?

Thanks, WR

[Guest 91108]

I think that you having thought of it and not used it .. simply means your Domme is pushing your limits. Whether each and every time is acceptable to you or not is something for you to think on and discuss if need be.
If there is more involved .. perhaps we need more input from you for others to help as submissive viewpoints. My comment is from the Dominant side.

[Rhabbi]

I kinda agree with WS here, as long as the reason you are not using your safe word is because you want to hold on.

I have occasionally noted that subs are unwilling to use safe words because they think that their Dom would be upset. I can assure you that this is almost always wrong, and that any Dom who does not like a sub to use a safe word should not be a Dom. In fact, if I find a sub is unwilling to use a safe word, I will step back from the intensity of what I am doing to avoid pushing that envelope so that we do not go to far.

[Polaris]

White Rabbit,

I can really relate to this internal conflict. There were several occasions on which I got VERY close to using my safe-word, but didn't for reasons I don't completely understand. I was never afraid that my dom might be upset with me if I used my safe-word...I mean, what good is a safe-word if you may not use it? It has to do with...a certain pride, I think. A profound willingness to step out of my comfort zone, and to endure something although it is no longer pleasurable, arousing or even comfortable. I always experienced these situations as emotionally taxing, not so much during the scene itself but once it was over. I honestly admit that sometimes the question of "why the hell didn't I use my safe-word?" bothers me more than the actual incident itself. I'm afraid this doesn't make much sense, but it's a complex thing for me.

How far is too far? I've asked myself this question several times. In the course of years I've gone much farther than I would have expected I would, and although I don't regret having done it, the process itself can be unsettling at times. I can only recommend to talk with your mistress a lot, to be open and honest about how you feel, and make clear that in those situations you actually are already out of your comfort zone so that she doesn't accidentally push you too far.

In general I'd say if you feel that it is too far, use the safe-word because it IS too far. This is what it is there for. Taking responsibility for yourself, and taking care for yourself doesn't make you less submissive or less dedicated to your mistress. If the amount of pain she inflicts is too much for you, talk to her about it. We are all different, and what appears like a piece of cake for one can be terror for another. It is healthy to have limits. It is smart to make them clear as long as there is still time.

So, I guess the best advice I can give you is to listen to yourself and to your feelings. How do you feel when the scene is over? Are you proud, happy that you managed to endure and please your mistress? Or is there a bad and unsettling bytaste, or any weird, unpleasant feeling? If the latter is the case I'd say get the foot off the gas and play it a bit gentler. And only because there might be a limit now it doesn't mean that the threshold won't ever move...just as a sidenote.

Just my two cents on the subject, it's really such a personal thing...so I hope this helps a bit! :)

[Euryleia]

Do you have a safe world to pause things, one that doesn't mean 'stop' but rather 'slow down'? For example, you might use red and yellow as your words. You could use yellow for those times when you just need to take a brief break without actually stopping things. It would give you the chance to check in with your Mistress, too.

[Ruby]

Do you have a safe world to pause things, one that doesn't mean 'stop' but rather 'slow down'?

Having red, yellow, and green types of safewords (or signals) can be of great value.

WR, have you spoken with your mistress about these feelings? Do you know what she wants from you
when she is giving you pain?

[orangeblossoms]

If you feel your being pushed to the limits, it might be a good idea to use your safe word, especially because the punishment can still continue just toned down a bit until you are more comfortable, and sometimes its not a bad idea because as submissives we tend to go into that subspace where pain stops and its just euphoric feelings, and then having to spend a week with lovely green and purple bruises, so sometimes its better to speak up :) hope that helps!

[Guest 91108]

smiles.. I like the replies I see.

[White Rabbit]

I talk with my Mistress a lot, I think communication is very important. I like the idea of using degrees of safe words, like green, yellow, red. Might try that next time!
Thanks everyone for the input, Polaris in particular for the insight. I think it helps posting things on this site, if only to confirm suspicions and give myself confidence.

Haha, in response to orangeblossoms, I kinda like the bruises and marks that I am left with after a bit of play. Every time I sit down, for the next week or so, I think of my Mistress. Awww, Love!