Dominant vs control freak [Archive]

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Sir_Russell

09-30-2007, 12:32 PM

I posted this in my thread in the gallery but have had several requests for it to be posted to a larger group. I wrote this to answer a woman that wasn't interested since she had been married to a control freak. I think it also is my philosophy of the Life in a nutshell.

Russell

Control Freak or Dominant

I have been both and each is very different.

A control freak wants to be in charge of you at all times, no item is too small for him, to ignore no detail. He inspects and almost never likes what he finds.

A Dominant differs in that he sets what is important to him and to the relationship. He is a friend that you can share joys, problems with and who will ask for your advice before making a decision.

A control freak is normally upset because you didn’t do things right which means that no matter how detailed his instructions are there is always more left unspoken. This puts you in the unenviable position of never being good enough.

A Dominant takes responsibility for his own actions or lack thereof. Normally a laidback person that is looking to help you grow and wants you to feel good about yourself, knowing that growth takes errors and failures.

A control freak rarely thinks he makes mistakes it is always someone else that caused the problem.

A Dominant has to be in control of themselves first so has a tendency to look first at his own shortcomings before looking to blame others.

A control freak is often disgusted with your effort or in the way causing you to be fearful that you will fail again.

A Dominant is a teacher, looking to help and instruct at the same time. A good teacher also give you space and confidence to try it on your own, then may make suggestion on how it might be done even better then you did but lets you know that the effort is what counted.

A control freak rarely has time to enjoy you, spend some time with just you relaxing and loving.

A Dominant loves the idea of time with his lady, a chance to laugh and enjoy or a chance to take her out and show her off, let the world see his pride in her.

A Dominant is mannerly, the first person you want to run to when your world is falling apart, a strong shoulder to cry on, a confidant, etc. He has your best interest at heart even over his own. He respects his lady, honors her, and has great pride in her. Most women never get to experience that for extended periods of time. He also expects the same in return.

A control freak wants life done his way.

A Dominant negotiate how life will be for the 2 of you, but then expects you to do your best, as he will, to live up to the agreement.

Hope this helps somone out there.

Rhabbi

09-30-2007, 01:14 PM

Very good post Russell, nice of you to put it out here for more to look at.

Serenitypup

09-30-2007, 01:16 PM

*happy puppy yip* I needed to see this. Thank you so much for posting it! I agree completely with everything you've written.

Arria

09-30-2007, 01:54 PM

Thank you ever so much! Very well said.

GreyJack

09-30-2007, 02:26 PM

Eloquent, direct, and comprehensive. Well put, Sir R. And, hopefully, very educational to those who need to discover the differences and their meanings.

best
Grey

Polaris

10-01-2007, 04:47 AM

The difference is really immense -- controlling and 'domming' (in lack of a better term) behaviour are two entirely different pairs of shoes. I'm quite aware of the difference due to personal experience...but it's more an emotional thing and I couldn't have put it so eloquently. So thanks a lot for that -- it's very encouraging to read these things now and then. :)

Another difference is that control freaks change the rules of the game without finding it necessary to tell you -- I think that is why it is so impossible to please them. If a dom finds it necessary to change the rules you are the first to know. I must have read half a million pages on the subject, but it really suffices to say there is a BIG difference -- and the more people are aware of it, the better.

Euryleia

10-01-2007, 07:55 AM

Very nicely put, Sir Russell

snowflake

10-01-2007, 09:40 AM

i was with a control freak for 17 yrs and everything you said was very well put.. but i found one other point that i didn't see you mention.. Maybe because it doesn't happen to everyone..

There can be a fine line between an abuser and a control freak, and that line can be crossed very easily, or they could be just using this life style to hide there abusive attendencies..

That is from my view point and you may not all agree with it.. but it does happen...:(

hugs
snow

sub-butterfly

10-01-2007, 12:20 PM

i am new to this lifestyle and with my first Dom and he is def a Dom. reading this has really helped me see what it is He is doing for me. Thank You

Hugs

butterfly
xxxxxxxx
:)

tessa

10-01-2007, 12:24 PM

~stands and applauds~

You are indeed a Man among men, Sir Russell.

Most sincerely-
tessa

Rhabbi

10-01-2007, 01:29 PM

snowflake

10-01-2007, 04:38 PM

Have another one to add:

A control freak will cut you off from your friends so you do not have an escape.

A dominant will allow you to bring your friends around because he wants to knw as much about you as possible.

Yep that is about the time i should have ran.. It was just after that, that the line was crossed

hugs

jeanne

10-01-2007, 05:00 PM

~stands and applauds~

You are indeed a Man among men, Sir Russell.

Most sincerely-
tessa

I'm with tessa - hey, does two make a standing ovation? Well, it does now. :)

Polaris

10-02-2007, 02:17 AM

A control freak will cut you off from your friends so you do not have an escape.

A dominant will allow you to bring your friends around because he wants to knw as much about you as possible.

I'd like to add that a dominant will also not discourage you to have friends and contacts outside the relationship -- control freaks have a very strong tendency to do exactly that.

Also, they are not necessarily open with it -- they don't usually say "Hey you, you are no longer allowed to see your friends" but they will make you feel guilty or weird about it. Or, if that fails and you still go they will start to badmouth your friends, insist that they have a bad influence on you, are worthless, mean, only exploiting you...and generally wear you down until you think it's easier to simply stay at home -- which, if you are very lucky, will get you the reputation of a recluse who is no fun and always stays at home instead of going out. Yes, control freaks are fun. Excuse my while I get a drink to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth.

Another difference that just occured to me, at least judging from my perception:

Control freaks tend to be highly possessive and jelous. Dominants appear to be much more secure of what they have.

Logic1

10-02-2007, 03:51 AM

Isabelle90

10-02-2007, 06:53 AM

There are some distinct reasons why I think you are a good and clever man SirRussel. This is one of them.

I really wish this has a bigger audience than this forum though. It isnt nessecarily just in a D/s relationship this happens but there are lots of bad relationships in nilla relationships aswell.
Bad people are everywhere.
I am glad I am the Dominant kind and not the controlfreak kind.

I agree! I can't imagine anyone NOT wanting the qualities Sir Russell listed in any partner! A partner that is truly focused on the needs and desires of the other....ahhhhhh!

lookingforsomething

10-02-2007, 07:22 AM

Well I am a new at this BDSM library, but what was said about control freaks by everyone here is so true and I agree with you logic1 when you said this problem happens in any life style. I just wish I had read this post before I married the control freak, but I am glad that I didn’t stay married to the control freak when he tried to get me to quit uni, my friends and family. All the while I had no idea how to label him. lol at least now I have a name for it the &*%^ :rolleyes: .

Warbaby1943

10-02-2007, 08:14 AM

Very well put Sir_Russell. You have made a lot of people sit up and take notice. Thanks for the thread.

Arria

10-02-2007, 08:37 AM

I fully agree with Polaris here! Let me share that drink, please...

The reason why they don´t say "You must not do this anymore" is that if they did, they would be asked for a sensible explanation (which of course does not exist).

So they badmouth your friends. If you stop seeing them, all is good (hello, irony). For if you continue seeing them, they will first shout, then threat, and if that does not help, act injured and hurt by your "inconsiderate" behaviour. If you still keep seeing them now (=disobey...), they will at some point lose their self control and hurt you physically (and be it only to make you shut the fuck up FINALLY AT LEAST ONCE).

My only piece of advice for anyone in contact with a control freak is: RUN while there is still time.

And someone else in here once said a beautiful thing:
"If it feels wrong - it most likely IS wrong."

A word of comfort, too: If you managed to get rid of a control freak once, you will in the future be VERY aware of the typical signs, and it is not likely you will fall for one again.

Kind regards
Arria

Hime

10-02-2007, 08:44 AM

Yep that is about the time i should have ran.. It was just after that, that the line was crossed

hugs

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. :(

Well said, Russell. I can't stand control freaks -- and generally, they can't stand me either. :)

snowflake

10-02-2007, 09:38 AM

[QUOTE=Hime;478584]I'm so sorry that that happened to you. :(QUOTE]

It is ok Hime as i am now in the safe arms of The Tester whom is not a control-freak by any means..

But thank you it took me a very long time to get away..

hugs
snow

Sir_Russell

10-02-2007, 08:31 PM

Isabelle90

10-02-2007, 08:48 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I am surprised by the number of them.

I hate to admit this but I was a control freak for a while, thankfully I keep it to business hours and not during personal time. So a lot of what I wrote was first hand knowledge. I am grateful in a way for the death of my son, it helped me grow a lot closer to my kids

Losing a child is the worst kind of tragedy, but that you recognized a life lesson shows true wisdom! Thank you for your insight.

snowflake

10-03-2007, 02:34 AM

Thank you all for your responses. I am surprised by the number of them.

I hate to admit this but I was a control freak for a while, thankfully I keep it to business hours and not during personal time. So a lot of what I wrote was first hand knowledge. I am grateful in a way for the death of my son, it helped me grow a lot closer to my kids

i am so sorry to here you lost your son Sir Russell.. iam just happy that now you are closer to your other children and can see some good out of it..

hugs
snow

lookingforsomething

10-03-2007, 02:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir_Russell
Thank you all for your responses. I am surprised by the number of them.

I hate to admit this but I was a control freak for a while, thankfully I keep it to business hours and not during personal time. So a lot of what I wrote was first hand knowledge. I am grateful in a way for the death of my son, it helped me grow a lot closer to my kids

I am also sorry for your loss :(

Rhabbi

10-04-2007, 09:55 AM

Thank you all for your responses. I am surprised by the number of them.

I hate to admit this but I was a control freak for a while, thankfully I keep it to business hours and not during personal time. So a lot of what I wrote was first hand knowledge. I am grateful in a way for the death of my son, it helped me grow a lot closer to my kids

Russel, knowing you are a control freak and keeping it away from your private life proves you to be a better man, and Dom, than most. I am not sure that I would be totally able to follow that stricture in my life if I was a control freak. Kudos.

Bronzeheart

10-07-2007, 02:39 PM

Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone! I think it is very important, especially for those who are new to the lifestyle, to know the difference.

Bronzeheart :wave:

kramasha

09-08-2008, 07:10 AM

Thanks Sir Russell
very informative and a good parameter to judge one's own self
thanks again

Guest020109

09-08-2008, 05:00 PM

wow there are so many things i wanna quote right now, but Thank you so uch for posting this I see now my ex was a control freak not a dom, but a control freak.

Mastrovenice

09-12-2008, 04:24 PM

However (deep breath).... As a Dom, I crave control over submissive/slave type persons. There is a strong relationship between wanting to control others and the Dominant personality (duh). So, the real issue is, what (or who) is a control FREAK and who is a person interested in control and the interplay between those who seek it. It seems that the line that separates the freak from the just freaky is intent, or perhaps self-awareness. This issue perhaps, is strictly a semantic one with me. I love to control those who love to be controlled. Sometimes I'm a freak.

But this begs another question, and perhaps this thread is not appropriate: Is there an equal but opposite personality disorder that complements the 'control freak'?