Platonicus
10-03-2007, 10:28 AM
Negotiation is one aspect of the BDSM lifestyle that many, particularly novices find confusing. In my opinion, this is unfortunate as I feel that competency with respect to the meaning as well as the process of negotiation is of paramount importance to those who wish to experience a satisfying and successful BDSM based relationship. There is honest disagreement within the BDSM community about when negotiation may or may not be appropriate. For example, many would agree that a submissive has the right to request negotiation before a collar is placed, but once collared there is little if any right on the part of the submissive to negotiate beyond that point. I tend to disagree because in my view, negotiation should be an ongoing process if a successful relationship is to be developed and nurtured. People change and of course their tastes, interests and limits can change as well.
Simply put, the concept of negotiation in the BDSM community means open, honest communication about what you want and don’t want. It is not simply a bargaining process, in the sense of one person attempting to have their own needs satisfied at the expense of the other, but more of a win-win type situation in which both parties find satisfaction of their respective needs. Both parties openly share what activities excite them or don’t excite them, what activities they feel comfortable with and those they find uncomfortable, what turns them on and what does not. The discussion of boundaries and fantasies are fertile topics of discussion during the negotiation process.
When exploring the process of beginning a D/s relationship, it is proper and most helpful to use an activity checklist to initiate the discussion. There are many well designed checklists available and I will not presume to offer a new one here. I simply recommend that a workable checklist be found which both parties find useful from among the many good ones that are available. As you work through the list, be completely honest about your limits and about those things you feel you would find arousing or meaningful as well as the things you know would cause you to feel tense or even cringe at the thought of. Effective negotiation and the establishment of honest limits at the outset will pay huge dividends later as the relationship develops and save a great deal of misunderstanding and frustration. In many ways, this opening negotiation process is very similar to how dating is used in vanilla relationships to learn whether two people have sufficient compatible needs, likes, dislikes, personality traits, etc. to support a more permanent and committed relationship. If anything, it is simply a bit more structured by the use of a formalized checklist. Submissives particularly, must guard against allowing themselves to give carte blanche consent to activities either as a result of their natural tendency to wish to please or out of a desperate need to belong to a Dominant. This is the time to establish those boundaries and limits that you wish to have and I offer deserve to have respected. Agreement to activities, no mater how well intentioned, that you know you will not enjoy or perhaps find impossible to do may easily put you into a position that you are unable to handle.
Now let’s explore the concept of on-going negotiation, assuming that the initial negotiation process has been successfully concluded and both parties have come to believe that their mutual expectations can be realized within a more permanent and committed relationship. A collar is offered and accepted. As I mentioned at the outset, many honestly believe that once collared, a submissive especially no longer has any right to or expectation of negotiation. I personally find this view to be unrealistic for a number of reasons. As mentioned, people change, attitudes change, and interests change. While I am a strong proponent of the inviolate nature of hard limits, I am also of the strong opinion that “soft limits” are fair game within a relationship. The Dominant I feel has not only the right but the responsibility to press the submissive to permit “pushing” of these limits as I think this is one of the most likely areas where the submissive can experience growth. This is one area where ongoing negotiation comes into play. Even with “soft limits” the submissive has not consented and the limits require respect, yet by thoughtful and honest discussion, consent may be gained from the submissive to attempt a new or yet untried activity. Especially with respect to “soft limits” often within a relationship once trust has been established and begins to grow, activities which were once thought intimidating or even scary by the submissive can seem less so and the submissive begins to find the willingness to explore those areas. It is my opinion that all play must be consensual. Accordingly the submissive should never be forced to do something against their will which they previously disclosed to be a limit. With respect to “soft limits” I feel a submissive does not have the right to say “not ever” but certainly the right to say “not now.” Ongoing negotiation provides an avenue by which limits may be pushed and growth achieved.
One of the major responsibilities of any Dominant in my opinion is continual education and personal growth. Adherence to this ideal may lead to new interests on the part of the Dominant with which they wish to share and experience with their submissive. Here again is appropriate reason for ongoing negotiation. From time to time I think it would be profitable for the Dominant and submissive to revisit an activity checklist or questionnaire to facilitate understanding about how interests may have changed and what new activities might be incorporated into the relationship to keep it fresh and viable.
In summary, negotiation is an integral and valuable component of a BDSM relationship. In my own view, a collar should never be accepted without some form of negotiation because without negotiation there is no basis by which prospective partners can determine whether there are sufficient grounds to believe that their expectations can be met by the relationship. Negotiation is not a one time event but is always, to a degree an ongoing process. Negotiation is one means by which a satisfying and healthy relationship can be established and made to prosper.
Simply put, the concept of negotiation in the BDSM community means open, honest communication about what you want and don’t want. It is not simply a bargaining process, in the sense of one person attempting to have their own needs satisfied at the expense of the other, but more of a win-win type situation in which both parties find satisfaction of their respective needs. Both parties openly share what activities excite them or don’t excite them, what activities they feel comfortable with and those they find uncomfortable, what turns them on and what does not. The discussion of boundaries and fantasies are fertile topics of discussion during the negotiation process.
When exploring the process of beginning a D/s relationship, it is proper and most helpful to use an activity checklist to initiate the discussion. There are many well designed checklists available and I will not presume to offer a new one here. I simply recommend that a workable checklist be found which both parties find useful from among the many good ones that are available. As you work through the list, be completely honest about your limits and about those things you feel you would find arousing or meaningful as well as the things you know would cause you to feel tense or even cringe at the thought of. Effective negotiation and the establishment of honest limits at the outset will pay huge dividends later as the relationship develops and save a great deal of misunderstanding and frustration. In many ways, this opening negotiation process is very similar to how dating is used in vanilla relationships to learn whether two people have sufficient compatible needs, likes, dislikes, personality traits, etc. to support a more permanent and committed relationship. If anything, it is simply a bit more structured by the use of a formalized checklist. Submissives particularly, must guard against allowing themselves to give carte blanche consent to activities either as a result of their natural tendency to wish to please or out of a desperate need to belong to a Dominant. This is the time to establish those boundaries and limits that you wish to have and I offer deserve to have respected. Agreement to activities, no mater how well intentioned, that you know you will not enjoy or perhaps find impossible to do may easily put you into a position that you are unable to handle.
Now let’s explore the concept of on-going negotiation, assuming that the initial negotiation process has been successfully concluded and both parties have come to believe that their mutual expectations can be realized within a more permanent and committed relationship. A collar is offered and accepted. As I mentioned at the outset, many honestly believe that once collared, a submissive especially no longer has any right to or expectation of negotiation. I personally find this view to be unrealistic for a number of reasons. As mentioned, people change, attitudes change, and interests change. While I am a strong proponent of the inviolate nature of hard limits, I am also of the strong opinion that “soft limits” are fair game within a relationship. The Dominant I feel has not only the right but the responsibility to press the submissive to permit “pushing” of these limits as I think this is one of the most likely areas where the submissive can experience growth. This is one area where ongoing negotiation comes into play. Even with “soft limits” the submissive has not consented and the limits require respect, yet by thoughtful and honest discussion, consent may be gained from the submissive to attempt a new or yet untried activity. Especially with respect to “soft limits” often within a relationship once trust has been established and begins to grow, activities which were once thought intimidating or even scary by the submissive can seem less so and the submissive begins to find the willingness to explore those areas. It is my opinion that all play must be consensual. Accordingly the submissive should never be forced to do something against their will which they previously disclosed to be a limit. With respect to “soft limits” I feel a submissive does not have the right to say “not ever” but certainly the right to say “not now.” Ongoing negotiation provides an avenue by which limits may be pushed and growth achieved.
One of the major responsibilities of any Dominant in my opinion is continual education and personal growth. Adherence to this ideal may lead to new interests on the part of the Dominant with which they wish to share and experience with their submissive. Here again is appropriate reason for ongoing negotiation. From time to time I think it would be profitable for the Dominant and submissive to revisit an activity checklist or questionnaire to facilitate understanding about how interests may have changed and what new activities might be incorporated into the relationship to keep it fresh and viable.
In summary, negotiation is an integral and valuable component of a BDSM relationship. In my own view, a collar should never be accepted without some form of negotiation because without negotiation there is no basis by which prospective partners can determine whether there are sufficient grounds to believe that their expectations can be met by the relationship. Negotiation is not a one time event but is always, to a degree an ongoing process. Negotiation is one means by which a satisfying and healthy relationship can be established and made to prosper.