domina asks subs - your self-esteem?

[The Tigress]

I identify as a Caring Dominant.

It's taken the last few years for me to really encrease my own opinion of myself. I am a dominant, attractive, intelligent young woman, I can proudly say this. At times I still fret over my own shortcomings, but who doesn't?

That said, my sub is worth his weight in gold. He is charming, attractive, intelligent, warm and sexy, downright fuckable 24/7. I have a huge wish that he'll see himself, that he is worth my love, and that of our awesome friends and family.

He is my slut and my pet, with love. I whip and cane him, with caring. I lash him and purr his names, not because I consider him pathetic, or deserving of maltreatment. Our kink relationship comes from the deep bond, release and greater understanding of who we are that comes from any play we enjoy.

Am I some kind of wussy dominant, because I want my sub to love himself as much as I do? I have the greatest respect for him. I personally feel that as a dominant, I want a sharp mind, strong body, a charming person... it is true pleasure to have him submit to me, because I see him as a person of great worth.


Question:
does your dominant help your self-esteem? Or do his/her words and actions, while still pleasurable, convince/teach you to feel worse about yourself?

[angelic.zest]

I identify as a Caring Dominant.

It's taken the last few years for me to really encrease my own opinion of myself. I am a dominant, attractive, intelligent young woman, I can proudly say this. At times I still fret over my own shortcomings, but who doesn't?

That said, my sub is worth his weight in gold. He is charming, attractive, intelligent, warm and sexy, downright fuckable 24/7. I have a huge wish that he'll see himself, that he is worth my love, and that of our awesome friends and family.

He is my slut and my pet, with love. I whip and cane him, with caring. I lash him and purr his names, not because I consider him pathetic, or deserving of maltreatment. Our kink relationship comes from the deep bond, release and greater understanding of who we are that comes from any play we enjoy.

Am I some kind of wussy dominant, because I want my sub to love himself as much as I do? I have the greatest respect for him. I personally feel that as a dominant, I want a sharp mind, strong body, a charming person... it is true pleasure to have him submit to me, because I see him as a person of great worth.


Question:
does your dominant help your self-esteem? Or do his/her words and actions, while still pleasurable, convince/teach you to feel worse about yourself?

Awe..*hugs* I can see from ur words you have ur sub best interests at heart, as any caring, loving Dominant should, he seems to be in the best of hands with you, I wish he could see how worthy he is as a sub, and ur pet, and for him to know his submisson means the world to you...

As for my own self-esteem my Dominant is very new at the whole.."building" and "training" but thankfully I know my worth and what my submission means to him and how its a gift that shouldn't be taken for granted, and even though I'm still new with exploring my own submission I do know his actions have meaning and caring behind them!

I wish you and ur sub the very best!!

[Naomisagoodgirl]

I identify as a Caring Dominant.

Am I some kind of wussy dominant, because I want my sub to love himself as much as I do? I have the greatest respect for him. I personally feel that as a dominant, I want a sharp mind, strong body, a charming person... it is true pleasure to have him submit to me, because I see him as a person of great worth.


Question:
does your dominant help your self-esteem? Or do his/her words and actions, while still pleasurable, convince/teach you to feel worse about yourself?

I would say you're definately not a wussy dominant because you love and respect your sub. That is awesome and key to any successful relationship. I think a wussy dominant would be one who let her sub be less than he could be, and who let him let her down without trying to correct him.

My master is a huge help to my self-esteem. I feel prouder after I accomplish something when he tells me he's proud of me. His words and actions never make me feel worse about myself, even when I'm being punished, becasue I know it's not me he dissaproves of but my behavior. I may be dissapointed in myself, but I know that I can change my behavior.

[Ozme52]

While some Dom/mes may be about subjugating their submissives will and self esteem, many more are indeed just like you Tigress.

We desire subs who have a high regard for themselves. Those who do are the best able to serve their doms. That's what I want, to be well served. If I had to be picking up the pieces of their ego that I strip away from them... I wouldn't be able to get that from them.

[jeanne]

Question:
does your dominant help your self-esteem? Or do his/her words and actions, while still pleasurable, convince/teach you to feel worse about yourself?

I'm going to answer this with a qualified none-of-the above.

He most definitely, without a doubt, does not make me feel worse about myself.

I have a pretty healthy sense of self-esteem, self-image, ego...and I don't consider it his 'job' to make me feel better about myself anyway. That being said...he does. I enjoy the loss of self I feel at certain times with him. I like turning over my will to him - knowing in my bones that my only purpose is to please him. And when I do, when he says to me "You're a good girl, jeanne", I glow from the inside out. And feel proud. That's a pretty awesome feeling, and it carries over into my vanilla life. So my self-esteem is even higher.

[Aussiegirl1]

I also do not think caring for your sub and wanting him to feel good about himself makes you wussy. To me, it makes you a great Domme!

From my personal experience, my Master makes me feel so damn good about myself. He worked hard early in our relationship to make me see myself as he sees me. Regardless of what may happen in the future, that will be one of the greatest gift anyone has ever given to me.

I also feel that a sub who feels good about themselves, will also feel good about being a sub! It is knowing my submission is treasured and not just taken for granted, that means the world to me.

Keep up the great job you are doing.

[Xan_in_chains]

Well, I'd say that you seem really considerate and that your sub must be really lucky to have someone that loves him so much :) It's really nice to hear about people like yourself being Dommes.

As for me, my Domme does both; whilst she tries to say how much I am worth, make me feel a little less fearful about my weight and so forth, she also consistently stands me up, which decreases my self-esteem. But when she is there, she makes me feel a lot better.

Anyway, certainly it doesn't come across like you're too easy on him or anything like that, only that you're genuinely loving- after all, it is love which is central in any relationship, vanilla or otherwise. Good luck!

[tessa]

Am I some kind of wussy dominant, because I want my sub to love himself as much as I do? I have the greatest respect for him. I personally feel that as a dominant, I want a sharp mind, strong body, a charming person... it is true pleasure to have him submit to me, because I see him as a person of great worth.

Not even in the same universe as "wussy". More in the "close to perfect" stratosphere, if you ask me. And you kinda did, so... :)

Personally, I don't think anyone should be able to claim the term "Dominant" without possessing such an attitude.

Thank you for this insightful, erudite viewpoint.

My best-
tessa :wave:

[cadence]

Definately not a "wussy" thing to say or think, but a very admirable way to be.



We desire subs who have a high regard for themselves. Those who do are the best able to serve their doms. That's what I want, to be well served. If I had to be picking up the pieces of their ego that I strip away from them... I wouldn't be able to get that from them.

I just have to say thank you Oz for saying this. This statement has put some of the things that I have been reacting to negatively, into a more clear and concise perspective.
I don't have a Dominant, but have agreed to be tasked every so often and push some of my limits with humiliation.
Some of the things I have done, have left my self esteem in shambles. He does encourage, support and praise everything that I do for him.

I have at times put myself in such a negative head-space I think that I should be coddled for my efforts.
In reality it is up to me to be assertive and keep my self esteem above water in order to be able to offer what I have.

[jeanne]

That's what I want, to be well served. If I had to be picking up the pieces of their ego that I strip away from them... I wouldn't be able to get that from them.

That just sounds too much like work for the dom. And the last thing I, as his submissive, want to do is create more work for him or make his experience of me less enjoyable. I'm all about him completely enjoying himself. To the point that he always wants more. And more and more and more...

Which I am happy to give. :)

[Sir_Russell]

jeanne
I hope he knows what a great lady he has and I am sure he does.

What you describe The Tigress I call subbie disease since the best ones have it, even the ones here have all talk about it. Strangely enough a good Dom/me does a lot for their self esteem, building them up and finally most of us tell them that they are insulting us. If they are so unworthy what does that say about us as Dom/me, it is an insult that they think we would take anyone that inept.

Once you teach the sub to see themselves through our eyes and that we find them very worthy they grow like crazy

[NightNurse]

Once you teach the sub to see themselves through our eyes and that we find them very worthy they grow like crazy

How wonderful that would be...
Do you think after many many years of low-(or no) self-esteem that it's possible to change with the help of a loving Dom?
....or is it too late?

[jeanne]

jeanne
I hope he knows what a great lady he has and I am sure he does.


Sir_Russell - after Him, you are the Dom here that I respect the most. As a result, your words mean so much to me. :)

[Logic1]

How wonderful that would be...
Do you think after many many years of low-(or no) self-esteem that it's possible to change with the help of a loving Dom?
....or is it too late?

to grow self esteem it is never too late. It is surely harder to accomplish but it is never too late.

[Polaris]

This post made me smile. :) It's wonderful to see that there are people genuinely caring about other people, be it in the BDSM universe or the vanilla world. Really, really wonderful :)

I'm not currently in a relationship, but will take the freedom to talk about when I used to be with a dominant partner. Back then, his dominance did wonders to my self-esteem. I don't know exactly what it is, but I think what did it was the option to actually achieve what he had in mind for me. That I could be imperfect as I am, but still perfect for him. I think about 50% of why I'm into BDSM is to hear the "good girl" thing ;)

In the long run I didn't only get more self-confident with him, but also in the world. More secure of who I am, what I am...and that I'm a unique, loveable person. Quite amazing what a bit of kink can do to your life :)

[Ozme52]

How wonderful that would be...
Do you think after many many years of low-(or no) self-esteem that it's possible to change with the help of a loving Dom?
....or is it too late?

Too late? Never!!!

[Hime]

*adds The Tigress to list of online crushes* :p

My Master definitely makes me feel better about myself. We both have had some self-esteem issues -- him worse than me, since he was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Exploring our sexual fantasies together has helped us both to enjoy our bodies instead of feeling bad about them.

What makes me feel the happiest about myself is when he wants to take me out and show me off, especially when he has me wear my collar. The thought that someone so wonderful is proud to own me always makes me feel special and beautiful.

[submissivemark]

Since I am married to my wonderful Wife/Mistress, I may be answering this from a different perspective, but by the same token I can refer back to my previous D/s relationships as well.

My Wife & I are great believers in increasing, uplifting, & sustaining each other's self esteem. She is very loving & caring, in addition to being very exacting & strict, but to us, the loving & caring go hand in hand with the exacting & strict, so there is no differenciation in the mix.

The closest we get to "pulling down" my self esteem is in the few times that we do a bit of mild humiliation play, & that is different & is treated as such. Even mild humiliation, (not in play, but in reality), can actually bolster one's self esteem however. An example is when a sub needs to be corrected/punished, (for those into this aspect of D/s), for failing to please their dominant. The very act of being punished has it's own shades of humiliation, & humbles one before the dominant, thereby reinforcing the lesson being learned by the punishment. Now once you learn a lesson, your self esteem increases, doesn't it?

:cool:

[Ozme52]

Now once you learn a lesson, your self esteem increases, doesn't it?

:cool:

It does if the lesson is given in a caring manner. But all too many (in all walks of life,) teach condescendingly. Which does no one any good except to the already overblown ego of the 'teacher'... and that is only in the eyes of said 'teacher'.

You are fortunate if you don't have to experience that type of treatment.

[submissivemark]

It does if the lesson is given in a caring manner. But all too many (in all walks of life,) teach condescendingly. Which does no one any good except to the already overblown ego of the 'teacher'... and that is only in the eyes of said 'teacher'.

You are fortunate if you don't have to experience that type of treatment.

Very true. In my case I was going by my own experience, & narrowly focusing on the D/s aspects of it.

:cool:

[slave_juice]

hey Tigress...

ive read your post and completely identify with you dilema from a slave's perspective... im relatively new in the lifestyle... fortunately, i do have a healthy self esteem and i am self confident... however, when my owner used to humiliate me, it was really hard for me, i couldnt help experiencing him as hostile... i knew that he cared about me deeply but at the time of the humiliation it almost felt like he hated me... and i was concerned that excessive humiliation would eventually challenge my self esteem...

anyway, my owner took this very seriously... he never wanted me to experience hostility... before and/or after each humiliating thing that he did to me he helped recondition my mind to think that my worthlessness is precious to him and he cares... it was very dichotomous for me at first, but now i serve him fully without experiencing him to be hostile in any way... just caring, concerned and sweet... even when im suffering or humiliated... (sometimes when he introduces new things or stretches new limits, i regress back to experiencing it as hostile, but he works with me each time, patiently, till i can accept his will and feel healthy about it)

it used to make me feel bad that he was putting work in before and after... like i was being hight maintainance and unslavely... he kept on reasuring me that that was his job as my owner and he enjoyed his job... he said that if things are hard for me and we work them out and then i accept his will, that is not high maintainance... he says that high maintainance is when subs are passive agressive, they say that theyre okay with things but then theyre really angry or upset... his understanding that things can be hard and his willingness to help me without making me feel high maintainance, really helps me feel secure in accepting humiliation, pain and serving him beyond anyway that i ever thought possible for me... he can literally get me to do anything for him... without me "breaking" or becoming less whole as a person...

The Tigress, good luck... if you want to discuss this further, feel free to contact me... perhaps you want to discuss it with my master... he might be happy to help...

slave-juice

[Anne4humiliation]

I have no dom right now, so I can only answer the question from memory, but perhaps hindsight is clearer here anyway.

While my dom could be very demeaning in talking to me (which is the way I enjoy domination) and was extremely critical of my performance, he did not hesitate to show his pleasure. Not necessarily in so many words, but once you know a dominant well enough to accept him as your Master, you should be well-versed reading his body language and his reactions to your service. So sometimes while he was criticizing me, his body showed how much he was enjoying me. And that is what made me proud. Sometimes it really worked in a contradictory way. The more I managed t pleasure and arouse him, the harder, the more critical, the more demeaning verbally he became. So that I knew that when he got really hard on me, that was when I had really served him well.
Let me add that he was extremely helpful and uplifting about anything not connected with my service of him e.g. my performance at university or at my chosen sport.

Yours

Anne

[jeanne]

it used to make me feel bad that he was putting work in before and after... like i was being hight maintainance and unslavely... he kept on reasuring me that that was his job as my owner and he enjoyed his job... he said that if things are hard for me and we work them out and then i accept his will, that is not high maintainance... he says that high maintainance is when subs are passive agressive, they say that theyre okay with things but then theyre really angry or upset... his understanding that things can be hard and his willingness to help me without making me feel high maintainance, really helps me feel secure in accepting humiliation, pain and serving him beyond anyway that i ever thought possible for me... he can literally get me to do anything for him... without me "breaking" or becoming less whole as a person...



I really needed to read this today - thanks, juice! :)

[Sir_Russell]

jeanne,
A Master takes a lot of responsibilities for the well being of his slave, if he fails in this then he is not suited to be a Master. When I fail at this I beat myself up worse then any other person could. I do apologize when it happens and make very sure it doesn't happen again.

Each of us serve the other in the way that the other needs.

[jeanne]

Each of us serve the other in the way that the other needs.

Exactly! I sometimes feel that I'm getting the best end of the deal - I find submitting to Him so deeply satisfying, love knowing that He needs me as I do Him...and my biggest fear is becoming "high-maintenance". I work very hard to avoid being so. And He assures me that I'm not - and that He will most definitely inform me when/if I am. :)

jeanne, who refuses to become high-maintenance :)

[Draco]

I have to say that I agree with everything said here. IMHO, I do not thing one could be a Dom without a deep careing for the person who's submission they are lucky enough to have.

I think anyone who calls themself a Dom, yet has no careing, compashion or love for there sub is just a person with a control issue, and is one of the most dangerous people one could meet in this lifestyle.

[sub-butterfly]

i have always had very low self esteem, stemming from school. my Master is so kind and gentle with me when He thinks i need Him to be and sometimes, when being corrected, He is very harsh. But once i have received my punishment He is straight back to making sure i am ok. He tells me often how beautiful i am and how proud of me He is and when i gave Him my submission He thanked me and told He was so pleased to have been given this gift. So now i work hard to make it a gift for Him everyday.

[tina2008]

I didn't haveany self-esteem issues until later in life when I suffered from an illness which caused ongoing issues, etc. Although my issues may not seem obvious to everyone, when you're in a D/s relationship, you bare everything, inside and out. My Dom would constantly reprimand me for certain comments I'd make about my body, etc. and at one time he did just as Sir_Russell stated: He asked why would He want to be with me if xyz was wrong with me? If I'm not good enough, I must be questioning His likes/dislikes and must not think much of Him? I must admit, when I began to look at this from His POV, it helped bolster my self-esteem tremendously. Although I sometimes slip and have doubts, if He is around, I usually get the "look" and get my act together.

[delish]

I haven't been here in ages, so I'm sure nobody will recognise me, but that's okay! (I never posted much anyway.) I just wanted to remark about the original post in this thread, as a submissive woman:

I am very glad to see this topic, and to see it being discussed from many angles. Here is my opinion:

It is an unhealthy and, yes, I'll use the word- abusive relationship when one partner diminishes the lasting self-worth of the other. I believe that my husband has the right to discipline me, and part of that entails the expression of disappointment, which makes me feel bad- but at the end of the day, he explains that he is disappointed because he knows I am not only capable, but brilliantly able, to do xyz. And usually, I am. The gift of my trust is precious, and I expect him to honor that. He gives me what I need, and what I need, ultimately, is to be a better, more whole and complete person. The route we take to get there (because I believe I contribute to his well being, too) may be different from a mainstream couple, but the details don't matter, so long as we achieve it. If he didn't care, express his pride in me, show his love for me, and honor what I freely give him, he would not be worthy of holding the title of 'Dom' 'Master' 'Sir' or what have you- that might be a little extreme, so I'll amend it- he wouldn't be worthy of owning any part of me.

You can't tell by this post, but I have a lot of issues with self worth, but I have learned something infinitely valuable from him: I am worth the effort it takes to be a good dominant partner. Time and time again, before we even dreamed we would end up married (2 years this June!), he told me not to settle for anything less than what I deserved, and then he would go into great detail about what that meant.

Submissive partners reading this, please know that your gift is worth more than you can imagine, and you know in your heart if you are settling for something lesser. Don't settle, please. I came dangerously close to doing that, and I would have been broken by it. But even if you think you are broken now, no matter how broken, you can heal. You deserve to heal. You deserve support.

So, no, Tigress, you are not a wuss. You are the strongest dominant partner out there, because caring makes you vulnerable, and it takes a hell of a lot more strength to do that than it does to cut yourself off. Wanting what is best for your partner shows confidence in who you are- his greatness bolsters yours, it doesn't threaten you. And that is truly rarer than some might think.

I've gone on too long, but this really struck me, and I had to speak up. I will try to check in more often. (Disclaimer: If I've inadvertantly offended anyone, I wouldn't change a single thing I've said, but I'd be willing to hear how it offended and if there's another phrasing that is more acceptable to us both, I'd gladly use it. Otherwise, I make no apologies.)

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

Oh, yes, my Master has greatly helped my self-esteem. I was in an abusive vanilla marriage for almost 10 years. My ex was an alcoholic and drug addict who was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive toward me and later became physically abusive toward me and my pets. My self-esteem plummeted and I became so focused on what he was or wasn't doing that I lost myself completely. I became a complete doormat and was suicidal and felt worthless, unloved and unwanted. I finally got out of that situation by literally running for my life, when he attempted to kill me.
I divorced my ex in 1996. I later had a "friend with benefits" who suggested that I go online to meet people. I held back, because the last thing I wanted was another man in my life. I finally went online in 1998, where I began to meet people in the chat rooms. I met Master online that December. He could tell from the beginning that I had built some very high walls around me in an attempt to keep men at bay and to try to stem off further heartbreak. But I didn't count on Master's persistence and downright stubborness. Little by little, brick by brick, He began to take down my defensive wall. I began to reveal myself to Him until W/we had chatted for a year online and then W/we met IRL. After that I knew that I could not let Him go. W/we have been together now for 8 years and married for the past 7 years.
Master had His work cut out for Him from the very beginning. My self-esteem is much better due to His care and love. He is physically affectionate to me in public and calls me pet names, something my ex never did. Every day He tells me how much He loves me, how beautiful and sexy I am, something else my ex never did. He refuses to let me put myself down in any way. I haven't seen my ex in almost 10 years. I almost wish I could see him once more, because he would be shocked at the person I've now become. He could never accept the fact that I was kinky nor that I was a Pagan. Master accepts me as I am and He loves me as I am.