How hard should a hard limit be?

[Xan_in_chains]

Hmm... This weekend, I've had a rather trying episode. Recently, a new Domme took me on and I'm striving to be as obedient and well behaved as I can. And so far, I've done everything asked of me, nothing too major etc etc... But this weekend I was away with friends. And she got drunk, messaged me and ordered me to sleep with someone. This was quite confusing and upsetting, and so I said first that I only wanted her in my life. Then she asked if I was disobeying her, so I said I was sorry but I felt that that was a hard limit, and the idea really made me very uncomfortable; at least until we'd discussed it in person. So... she said when i next saw Her I'd be severely punished. Is this... ok? Is it standard for harder limits to be pushed, and to expect repercussions? Hmm... I feel a little like I've disappointed her, but I don't know why she'd ask me to do something like that, especially without explanation... Should I just have done as she told me?

[angelic.zest]

Hmm... This weekend, I've had a rather trying episode. Recently, a new Domme took me on and I'm striving to be as obedient and well behaved as I can. And so far, I've done everything asked of me, nothing too major etc etc... But this weekend I was away with friends. And she got drunk, messaged me and ordered me to sleep with someone. This was quite confusing and upsetting, and so I said first that I only wanted her in my life. Then she asked if I was disobeying her, so I said I was sorry but I felt that that was a hard limit, and the idea really made me very uncomfortable; at least until we'd discussed it in person. So... she said when i next saw Her I'd be severely punished. Is this... ok? Is it standard for harder limits to be pushed, and to expect repercussions? Hmm... I feel a little like I've disappointed her, but I don't know why she'd ask me to do something like that, especially without explanation... Should I just have done as she told me?

Hmmm...I personally think u did well, unless you guys were open in ur relationship where you two seat down and talked about having outside "buddies", a hard limit is just that "hard" something that might be pushed but still respected, since its something u won't do or want to do, or have done to you, maybe u guys should talk about it instead of her trying to punish u for not wanting a "fling"!

[Ozme52]

If it's a real limit... then you should not allow her to punish you.
If it is something you might do under the right circumstances, you should talk about it and if you feel you were merely upset about the circumstances, then a punishment might be due... IF you both agree that the circumstances were not an inhibitor.

That said, the mere fact that she and you have apparently not discussed limits is an issue (hers) and the fact that she was inebriated AND scening with you, (even if in absentia) is a sign that she's out of control.

That's bad for a dom/me to be. Can you really trust her with your safety?

Just my opinion.

[crazy_grrluk]

totally agree with Oz here.
How can you trust her with your safety???

The fact of the matter also was that she was mullered. 1st rule..never do anything when the other party has had a few to drink...regardless whether they are in your company or not.

and personally? I think you were correct in disobeying her....in these circumstances. Sometimes a sub has to make a dessission at the spur of the momnt...regarding their own safety. and you made th right one.

smiles

cg

[Aussiegirl1]

Oh I have to agree that you were right to not do as asked given the circumstances. For one thing, your domme was not in a fit state to give you orders. I even wonder if she will realise that when you see her next and know she overstepped the mark.

It is also up to the sub to tell their Dom/me if they feel safe doing a task, which is exactly what you did. Don't let her make you feel guilty, as you did nothing wrong.

I hope next time you meet your Domme you are able to talk about what happened calmly and without her insisting you need to be punished.

Good luck
AG

[Alex Bragi]

You have every reason to feel disapponted, Xan_in_chains.

I agree completely with the others, it's a safety issue. I mean, what would you do, for instance, if a domme were to demand you have unprotected sex? They're not called "hard limits" for nothing, you know?

However, I feel this has nothing to do with “hard limits’.

She got drunk and phoned you up to give you orders? You’ve got to ask yourself if this woman can’t control herself, her drinking, and what she does when she’s drunk, how the hell can you possibly expect her to have responsible control over someone else—namely you? Get rid of her. Go find yourself a domme who will appreciate you and your limits, and the lifestyle generally.

[Dragon's muse]

There are a few variables here we just don't have.

*If this was a previously discussed hard limit, then you really need to re-think the relationship. If your limits go out the window when she is drinking, i suggest you run far, run fast and don't look back.

*If this was a situation of "I didn't really know this was a hard limit until you brought it up," then you need to talk with her about in a neutral, non-sexual setting. (And when she is sober.)

Just my tuppence,
rose

[caligirl{Rob}]

I think you did well, and IMHO allowing anyone to Dom/me you while under the influence is a bad idea!!!

hugs!
cali

[Xan_in_chains]

Ok, well, thankyou all for your advice. It mmakes me feel a lot better to know I wasn't being just ridiculous or anything. As for the variables-it was not something we had discussed as a limit before; however, she had previously discussed cheating with me at length. Now, I'm not sure if it might seem too vanilla a concept but I feel like I owe loyalty to her. Perhaps if it was something where she ordered me to do what ever at say, a club because she enjoyed voyeurism that might have been a touch different. but just out of the blue, and in contrast to what had previously been decided, it left me somewhat insecure about where I stood. But I do take your points about having been drinking. Rather... irresponsible I suppose.

[Ruby]

Hi Xan_in_chains,

Let's suppose she hadn't been drinking and made those same orders...

If it were me, I'd be just as confused and would have refused her demands.

I agree with all the excellent advice given above and would like you to keep looking for the warning signs.

Can you trust this domme or not?

I certainly wouldn't let her punish you for disobeying orders with flagrant disgregard to your preferences and limits.

You might find this thread helpful:

Choosing a Master/Mistress: Lessons from a Pet Mistress
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3737

All the best as your continue your journey,

Ruby

[Xan_in_chains]

Thankyou very much :) It's nice to have such a lot of support. It's hard not to make excuses for her, but we will have to talk next time we meet. Perhaps it isn;t going to work after all...

[Polaris]

Dear Xan,

I won't repeat what the others have said already...and put much more eloquently than I could have. Suffice to say that I agree.

I'm a bit worried about the "it's hard to not make excuses for her" part. The reason for this is quite simply that I spent a lot of time making up excuses for these people in my life who hurt me. The whole situation makes my alarm bells go off (and please note that this is coming from a very personal point of view), and I think that it would be a good idea that once you talk to her you keep watching out for red flags. Does she take your concerns seriously? Does she apologise -- sincerely, I mean? Does she understand that she put you in an awkward situation? Does the whole thing somehow end up to be your fault (like: you're not submissive enough, not well-behaved enough, too vanilla, etcetc)? Does she maybe even deny that something has happened? Does she listen, let you voice your opinions freely? Threaten you? If she threatens you, makes you feel about it, blames you for the whole situation, makes it your fault, wants to punish you for your "disobedience"...then I think you're better off to leave now before you are even more emotionally involved. If she has a control issue -- and to me it sounds like she just might -- then take my word on it: it only gets worse, never better.

I think the best advice is probably: listen to your gut. Your gut is telling you what's right and what's wrong, or at least what's good for you and what is not. If your gut says no, it says no for a good reason. In anyway I'm crossing my fingers for you, hope that the conversation is a good one and that there is no reason for concern whatsoever. If it doesn't, that's not the end of the world either. There's always a way to move beyond...anyway, take good care of yourself and best of luck to you! :)

[maidjoanna]

I have been in that situation several times Iam my wifes submisive who has to wear a chastity belt When there are visitors in the house Usualy women but not always ! If ordered I have to oraly submit myself for their pleasure No sex for me while wearing my CB . I am also hired out to others as a frenchmaid