Could he be Dom?

[good_girl]

I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to figure out (without coming right out and asking) if someone is interested in BDSM or not, and if not any tips on introducing it without scaring someone off (yes, I have read a lot of the tips already here, some great stuff).

I recently ran into (at work) an old crush from before I realised my own interest, we were both still married when I last saw him and are both single now. There was definitely some chemistry and a lot of flirting going on at work and at the end of the shift I gave him my phone number...he has yet to call, but it's only been one day *damn my impatience*

I am sure that I do not want another vanilla relationship...and I'm pretty sure he is vanilla, but when I see him I get weak in the knees...what's a subbie to do?

[Flaming_Redhead]

*bites tongue hard*

[Ozme52]

Probably lots of ways to get clues... but seriously... at this point in your life, why not just ask?

Barring that...

You could bend yourself over his knee and see what he does.
You could grab the headboard and "struggle" and see what he does.
You could get on your knees and tell him all he has to do is ask and you'll obey... and see what he does.

Less overt, but no more subtle, instead of a selection of coffee table books... set out a Playboy, a Penthouse, and a couple of Robert's or Ferris graphic novels and see which ones make him squirm the most.

[J-Go]

I have to agree with Oz on this one. You have clearly stated that you do not want a vanilla relationship. So what are you afraid you will scare away a vanilla relationship?

Prior to my current relationship I had virtually no BDSM experience. I must say that my sub did a great job of taking it slow, giving me clues and leading me to the point that I actually asked her if she was into this. We started slow had fun and one night she simply told me “you don’t have to be particularly gentle, I like it kinda rough”. You see she gave me a gift and Nelly bar the door…I had no idea what I was missing!

It took courage I completely understand your dilemma. If I would have reacted shocked or appalled it would have either been the end of the relationship or it would have forced her to compromise on something she needs…once you do that life becomes a lie.

Good luck, my guess there is a Dom in there you just need to let him out.

[good_girl]

Voodoo_Child...ouch :(

Ozme and J-Go....my fear is that he will run screaming, I would have a couple years ago...and I am not willing to sacrafice anything...but, if slowly introduced could he be interested deep down? that is the question. Being quite new to this myself, I'm open to suggestions on how to do just that.

Part of the problem is that we work together (not directly), we have yet to see each other outside of work, I'm hoping that oppertunity presents itself very soon :)

[Nothinggood]

Go out with him; coffee, dinner, something that can easily put him in a socially dominant role. Does he offer to pay, order for you, go to the ticket counter for both of you. These things can just be him being polite, it could also show a sense of what he is like deep down.

A 'dom' has a hard time turning it off. I do little things throughout my day that half my friends, and all my sub friends, have mentioned. Ultimately, if you walk behind him does he lead?

You are a sub and you know it. Show him a small part of that and just guage how he responds.

[DowntownAmber]

I'm always a fan of just asking things one wishes to know, but in a relationship that is still so new (yes, I know there was a crush before and so on, but for all intents and purposes we're starting over) I can certainly see how it would be uncomfortable and perhaps a even a little inappropriate to start out with, "so, wanna' tie me up and whip my ass?" A Dom/sub relationship builds over time and with increasing levels of intimacy and trust, so should this relationship, whatever direction it takes.



During this time of reacquaintance simply tune yourself in to the subtle hints. I knew I was attracted to J-Go right away -- there was a confidence in his bearing that suggested a hint of Dom, a certain way he had of taking charge. I let him be the first to kiss me, and when he did I pushed back, tried to take control of the kiss and he didn't let me -- he wasn't overtly pushy but he put forced me back up against the wall and held me. I bowed my head to him, he immediately went for my neck with his kiss, he used his teeth a little... All signs to me, hints of that "inner Dom." As trust built between us, as the physical intimacy increased I made each small step towards my own submission to him clear. I had never given myself to someone as a complete submissive before, he had never fully stepped into the role of Dom, but little by little we found ourselves there. The steps were small but made the right way -- I don't think there ever would have been a time where we would have freaked each other out, if one of us had come to a line we wouldn't have crossed we would just have known it and been able to calmly evaluate if it was a relationship we wanted to continue or not.



Hope it works out how you're hoping.

[Ozme52]

Go out with him; coffee, dinner, something that can easily put him in a socially dominant role. Does he offer to pay, order for you, go to the ticket counter for both of you. These things can just be him being polite, it could also show a sense of what he is like deep down.

A 'dom' has a hard time turning it off. I do little things throughout my day that half my friends, and all my sub friends, have mentioned. Ultimately, if you walk behind him does he lead?

You are a sub and you know it. Show him a small part of that and just guage how he responds.


Sorry. I have to disagree with this totally. The workplace is so tense vis-a-vis sexual harrassment issues, among co-workers and even moreso between staff and management, that men will be very careful about doing anything with a female co-worker that they wouldn't do with a male co-worker. They might even be more likely to buy a bud a beer than a female co-worker.

Trust me... I was in this very position for a decade. A boss who wants to stay a boss can very easily 'turn it off'. Same is true for co-workers. Good jobs are too easily lost and men are feeling vunerable to the slightest misunderstanding.

[Ozme52]

Voodoo_Child...ouch :(

Ozme and J-Go....my fear is that he will run screaming, I would have a couple years ago...and I am not willing to sacrafice anything...but, if slowly introduced could he be interested deep down? that is the question. Being quite new to this myself, I'm open to suggestions on how to do just that.

Part of the problem is that we work together (not directly), we have yet to see each other outside of work, I'm hoping that oppertunity presents itself very soon :)

It hardly matters until you find out if he feels the same way about you. You may not get beyond dinner... but if you do... then you just have to be submissive to him and see how he reacts. Ask him to choose the restaurant. Maybe even let him order for you. When he asks what do you want to see at a movie, ask him to choose.

When you get to the bedroom call him sir, use the word 'naughty', have scarves draped on the headboard and footboard, keep your hairbrush on the nightstand, kneel, do whatever he asks... if he keeps asking and you keep doing, if he escalates you have a dom. If not, you don't. Hell, he may throw himself onto the bed and tell you to have your way with him... and then you'll know that too.

Good luck.

[good_girl]

Nothinggood...excellent ideas..I think I tend to do these things anyway but am not yet in tune with it...will have to be more aware of these things

Downtownamber...Yes we are definitely starting over...not that there was anything really there before besides two friends at work...I have yet to pinpoint what it has always been about him that attracts me...could be he is sending out signals that I have subconsiousely picked up on...love your story btw thank you

Ozme...we work in a very large hospital...I am unit based and he is a casual float, so we don't see each other often...and if anything I am his senior at work :P

Hopefully tomorrow sheds more light on things for me...I get to work with him again :)

[drusilla]

i agree a lot with what Amber said. There's usually subtle hints, but by the same token, he may not engage in those behaviors due to Oz's point. Honestly, if i were in your shoes, i would seriously think about establishing boundaries, this is workplace behavior, this is social behavior. In a social setting, he may be more willing to engage in those "inner Dom" behaviors so long as he's comfortable with the boundary. By the same token, i also agree that if you don't want a vanilla relationship, then just come out and ask. Or maybe just tell him what you're into and see his reaction. Many good points here, it's hard to choose the best option.

[TomOfSweden]

I think you're worrying a lot about nothing. Usually kinky hints go way over the head of non kinky people, while kinksters bite like fish. But I understand the sensitivity about it since it's a workplace flirt. I'd go really slow if I were you.

[ladygstar]

I have just starting dating someone recently and like you was wondering how to subtly bring my sexual preferences to his attention as I didn't fancy getting into another relationship that wouldn't totally fulfill me. He is very dominate and in control in his life and I was hoping he would be so in private too.

So, on our first dinner at pudding time I asked if he preferred vanilla ice cream or something a little more interesting (a line I had in my head all night to get in!) I don't think he quite got my meaning but said definitely something more interesting which at least gave me hope!

After spending a little more time together we got into some naughty texting so I took the bull by the horns and asked him to tell me one of his fantasies, he replied with this... "I want you to totally dominate me sometimes. I'll do anything you tell me, you can do anything you like with me, I will be your sex slave. But sometimes I want you to be mine."

I am jumping back flips!! (Just as well I am switch!!) I never imagined that I would meet someone kinky through a friend of a friend.

So, my advice would be to find a way you are comfortable with to tell him what you want, you could spend weeks dropping the hints or just go all out and ask the hard questions!! Just think, if he says yes and he is a kinkster, you might kick yourself at how long you wasted hinting when you could have been playing!!

[good_girl]

No luck today, he got bumped to another unit and I didn't get a chance to see him.
I'm not worried about the "workplace relationship" thing as he is only back there temporarily while he goes to school, he will be moving on before too long, and he has been back several months and this is the first time I had even run into him.

I still can't help wonder if what it is that attracts me to him is some subtle hints that I am picking up on only in my subconsious but am not aware of...will have to do more exploring.

Thanks for all the great tips..****ease...keep them coming, I'm sure I'm not the only one out here who is wondering much the same thing

[Polaris]

This is judging from my own experience -- I may be very well wrong with generalising it, but I thought it might help nonetheless.

I had a vanilla relationship for 2.5 years. I did miss the kink, I knew I would miss it when I entered the relationship -- but it was big love, and I didn't care too much. It was like "well, nobody's perfect". I didn't want to get my hopes up that there might be more than that at first...and really, in the beginning I thought my being submissive didn't matter at all, I didn't think about it and was really quite happy in this relationship. However, the one who got my hopes up in the end was actually he. It was things like "I'm sexually very dominant" (which, I think, is rather explicit? I answered something like "Then you're going to have lots of fun with me" which pleased him no end -- as did all the other little things sub can do to hint more or less subtly). He liked to blindfold me, liked to hold me down, liked to bite -- and more and more often I just found myself submitting to him, you know...in a more or less subconscious way. Just like switching on to my sub-side. And that struck me as somewhat...unconsensual. So I began to hint harder. He stopped spanking me the day I told him I like it, other than in the "haha, funny funny" way. His reaction when I finally gathered my courage and told him upfront what I really, really like -- and I kept it sexually, today I think I want more than just the kink -- was awful. We were together for a long time then, and I thought that we trusted each other enough -- I didn't think it would be so much of a problem. I didn't expect him to do anything BDSM-related with me (unless he wanted to, of course), and I am absolutely sure that I did nothing to pressure him, or to imply that I wasn't happy with what we had. As said, I was prepared to be with this man for the rest of my life, vanilla or not. I just wanted to know, and wanted my, well, needs open on the table.

I don't think he ever looked at me the same way again. He claimed back then that he felt betrayed, like I had kept a big secret from him -- which, honestly, I haven't. I thought he knew, and before that I thought that it had no relevance. I was naive, maybe, and hadn't been in a vanilla relationship for many years -- and I'm not that old. I had no experience whatsoever in dealing with vanilla partners, and I'm not keen on having another go at it. On top of it, I was so desperately in love with this man. Who am I kidding. I still am.

I don't think that, in the end, this had anything to do with what happened afterwards -- namely this relationship not working out. It was just one more thing he could use to hurt me, and one more thing he could hide from. I am still absolutely sure that somewhere deep down in him there's a little, chained-up dom hiding and wanting to come out. I'm also absolutely sure that he won't let him out, just in the same way as he allows no other person in his life for long. He actually gave it all away. He said that why he would never, never, NEVEREVER do such a thing was not because he was afraid that something bad might happen to somebody else. He said he was afraid that he might actually like it, afraid of what it might bring out.

Anyway, why am I boring you with this story? This is just a really long-winded way of saying: sometimes dropping hints is not enough. Sometimes hints are just hints. And just because you have become absolutely convinced that he is dominant -- or a switch in your case -- does not mean that he will ever live on it. So, and please keep in mind that something really painful happened when I did it differently, my personal advice is to be open with him, no matter how hard it is. You don't have to put it like "And on Sundays, I like to be tied up and whipped until I bleed" (to put it exaggeratedly), but tell him what makes you tick, ask him what he thinks about it. Most vanillas -- god bless them -- react very positively to kind when you put it like it's the most natural thing in the world. And as long as you're not that deeply emotionally involved (I am assuming here, as I think this thing is still pretty recent -- if I'm wrong please disregard this) it won't hurt as much if he, well, reacts badly (although I don't think that chances for that are good). If you have all cards on the table, you can decide what you want to do. If there is potential for a BDSM relationship -- great. If not -- well, then at least you know and can move on if you don't want to have a vanilla relationship and stop wasting your time with a guy that might be lovely, cute and charming but simply not kinky enough to fit your need.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. :) I hope this is a little bit helpful, and of course wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do! :wave:

[TheVariableX]

Sorry. I have to disagree with this totally. The workplace is so tense vis-a-vis sexual harrassment issues, among co-workers and even moreso between staff and management, that men will be very careful about doing anything with a female co-worker that they wouldn't do with a male co-worker. They might even be more likely to buy a bud a beer than a female co-worker.

Trust me... I was in this very position for a decade. A boss who wants to stay a boss can very easily 'turn it off'. Same is true for co-workers. Good jobs are too easily lost and men are feeling vunerable to the slightest misunderstanding. I'm not a pro poker player so I probably do send out some small tells, but I definably feel I 'turn it off' at work.

As far as advice I can offer a good quote that seems wise even if I am not always good at following it myself. "A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness". Sometimes life is too short to beat around the bush and an honest and direct inquiry can save days and weeks of reading body language, subtext and tea leaves.

Bring up the subject, make your feelings clear and then give the guy some time to think. It could be just what he is waiting for, or perhaps an exciting suggestion that he had never consciously considered.

[UltimateMaster]

Thats part of why I posted in the suggestion section about a global personals section. A good sub is a hard thing to find.

[J-Go]

Aww what the hell. March into his office hand him a riding crop and throw yourself over his lap. That ought to get the message across! hehhehe* (Boy it would wok for me!)

Seriously everyone has posted really good advice here some based on experience some based on serious thought and good old common sense. In this life everything comes down to the one gift we all hold...choice. What is yours Good_Girl? Up front honesty or the hope of a situation that will turn out to be honest after a little maneuvering? Choice is a difficult thing to be sure but this is a RELATIONSHIP from the root RELATE. If you don't/ can't relate sadly you will be destined to the same story as Polaris. Seeking what you want and asking for what you need is not selfish, quite the opposite my dear it is the single most selfless thing you can do for it puts everyone around you and all that you are close to on the solid ground of knowing where you stand. If you are interested in this guy, life is short, let him know and through getting to know him and relating to each other let him know what your needs are. Nothing complicated, just courageous.

Good luck girl, I hope he ties you up and spanks you for all you are worth!

[good_girl]

Well I guess it's time I thank you all again for the great advice...and to update you, it's been a week and a half since I gave him my #, we haven't worked together since or seen each other except from a distance and waved, he has not called me :( life goes on.

I will however take the great advice given to me, if not ever with him then one day I'm sure I will meet someone else...I hope LOL

[Midnite]

Well I guess it's time I thank you all again for the great advice...and to update you, it's been a week and a half since I gave him my #, we haven't worked together since or seen each other except from a distance and waved, he has not called me :( life goes on.

I will however take the great advice given to me, if not ever with him then one day I'm sure I will meet someone else...I hope LOL

I really hope that something works out between the two of you, it not remember, never give up, your master is out there somewhere, it's just a matter of finding him. It took me a long time to find my sub Laura and if I would have quit looking both of us would have lost out.