How to be a domme

[dangerous_perfection]

Hi everyone,
I know my questions is vague :) but I was wandering if any experienced doms or dommes have any advice for a new domme (I am currently in training).
I have gathered lots of info regarding respect, treatment etc but am still curious about the actual actions of a domme & sub.
My sub will be female until I have completed my training.
Thanks a lot in advance, Bree x

[dangerous_perfection]

Thanks for your reply.
I thought my question may be a little difficult to answer.
In slightly more detail: I want to satisfy my sub whilst follwing some basic guidelines until I have worked out a few things for myself.
Play ideas would be wonderful. I am so new but extremely excited about this.
I have been asked for years to be a domme but always wanted wait until I was ready. Now I am ready, I just want to get it right. Or at least 'mainly' right, of course some mistakes will have to be made :)
General guidelines, play ideas, how to satisfy my sub as another female, how to teach my sub to be a good little girl; this is important as it is likely my sub is going to be very new to the world.
Thanks a million once again, Bree x

[dangerous_perfection]

Hello,
I posted in another section but my post was put as a reply to this post so I am deleting it.
Bree

[drusilla]

dangerous_perfection-

i'm going to get my own lovely Draco to look over this thread and see if she can help answer you (as a lesbian Domme, maybe she can at least help). As far as satisfying a female sub, it's really no different then a male sub. Everyone has different needs in order to be satisfied. Sometimes i'm satisfied with a good session with a crop, sometimes i'm not interested in it and just want penetration or bondage. The list goes on, but i think you get my point. Most importantly though, and above and beyond my own needs, what satisfies me is pleasing Draco and making her proud of me. If you're looking for ideas on how to satisfy your sub physically though, talk to them. This cannot be stressed enough. Dom/me's are mind readers and neither are subs, you need to talk to eachother and find your way.

*Wishing you the best of luck on your journey*

[MG_cleo]

Greetings!

May i first say that i am not quite sure what you mean by "training". Sounds a little like you are going to college or something. Forgive the slightly flippant sound of that statement. It's not meant to sound that way.

My take is this: firstly we are (mostly) born either Dominant or submissive. We may not know it, but somewhere along the line something flicks the switch inside us and "bingo!"; we're outed, as it were. Once done we ask ourselves why we ever hid or denied it.

As far as satisfying a partner, why not ask them? they will know their body, and needs better than anyone else, and if you have taken the right steps as a Dominant, and asked them to complete a play partner checklist, as well as done one for yourself, so that you can compare the two, and carefully listened to what they had to say, you will likely have a good idea of what makes them tick anyway.

You mention "basic guidelines"? In regards as "how to act" (I think thats the question). Act however you feel is right. Do not try to be something you are not, because it will not be the real you. Be yourself.

Make sure that whatever you do, is Safe, Sane and Consensual and within such limits as may have been declared (ahh the checklists rears it's head again)

Need a checklist? click below if you haven't got one

Downloadable Checklist (http://www.seekers.org.uk/checklist1.htm)

regards

MG

[drusilla]

Excellent MG, i agree with everything, there's just certain aspects of her question(s) that as a sub, i didn't feel qualified to answer.

[Draco]

Dearest new Domme, the most important thing I can stress is that you MUST talk with your subbmisive. In order to please her, you have to know what she likes and does not like. Have you and the person you are going to top been together a while, and you are just adding this lifestyle to your own, or is this a new relationship?

If you and your sub have been together or have known eachother a while, then you might allready have some idea as to what she likes and does not like. If this is someone new, I will greatly sugest using the checklist that MG linked above so that you and your new submissive have a starting point.

For play ideas, try joining and looking around the Acadamy here, or come into the chat and just watch a few seans that people get into. Not that I am saying that is all we do in the chat, but it is part of it, and I for one have gotten more than one idea from just watching others sean.

[Cipher]

I am fairly new in the scene, but have definitely learned a couple of important things. First, Draco is right, always talk to your sub. A D/s relationship is not totally different from a vanilla one. Drusilla was right too, we are not mind readers and you shouldn't expect yourself to be. That comes with knowing someone for a while, just like any other relationship.

One other major thing I have found is roughly what MG said. If you are dominant it comes fairly naturally. Be yourself, and no matter what you do, do not try to be the stereotypical 'hollywood porn' Dom. If that's you it will happen, please don't force it because you think it is what you are supposed to be. It makes you look silly, just ask my last sub.

Lastly, don't be afraid to ask questions. Just because you are a Dom doesn't mean you know everything. Just because she is a sub doesn't mean her mind is useless. Which leads to my last thought, just because you are the Dom doesn't mean who and what she is as a person is worthless. The sub's personality defines as much of the relationship as yours does.

And with that, I'll stop now.

[GreyJack]

We're getting into an area here (pleasing your sub) that spans both male and female Dominants, I think. As Draco has said, communication and knowing the sub goes a long way to helping in the pleasuring aspects, but, too...Dominants take the lead, subs follow. That means the Dominant needs to explore, learn, and practice new methods, techniques, and actions. If we're honest about it, the subs desire to please their Dominant is paramount, so create situations and tasks where their service can do so, and be sure to demonstrate that you (the Dominant) are pleased. That reenforces the sub's sense of self-worth, and the more self-confident the sub is made, the more willing they may be to explore and experiment with "new things."

Another thing to consider is the method of domming. Some people prefer to simply express their desires as "wishes" ('I wish someone would do ________"); others prefer direct commands ("Do this now!"). Find out what method most satisfies your sub's feeling of service to you and use it frequently. Non-verbal commands can be quite satisfying, too. A snap of the Dominant's fingers and pointing, the infamous "look", raising the head and frowning, sure they mean seem melodramatic, but they can -- as ritual -- reenforce the effect of Domination. And, again, being dominated is what pleases the subs.

[Ozme52]

I agree. My sub gets her pleasure from pleasing me. I am the center of attention, not her. It's different if you're talking about masochists and bottoms and a host of other labels we can attach... but the "submissive" gets his/her pleasure from serving the "dominant".

That said, hopefully part of your pleasure is derived from his/her orgasms, or his/her loss of control when bound, or whipped, or the look on his/her face when you tell them "good boy/girl" and it is in that manner that you both take something wonderful from the relationship.

But subs... serve.

-----------------------------------------
and... though some may think being "in training" sounds odd, but most will commend you for not walking in with a line like "I an inexperienced dom/me looking for an inexperienced sub." (...and the unsaid part "whom I can experiment on...")

and... I have many years of experience... and I'm "in training" too. Don't be surprised that when you feel like you know it all, you don't meet a new submissive, experienced or not, who 'teaches' you just how much more there is to learn. Just like any other relationship.

[Ozme52]

Thanks for your reply.
I thought my question may be a little difficult to answer.
In slightly more detail: I want to satisfy my sub whilst follwing some basic guidelines until I have worked out a few things for myself.
Play ideas would be wonderful. I am so new but extremely excited about this.
I have been asked for years to be a domme but always wanted wait until I was ready. Now I am ready, I just want to get it right. Or at least 'mainly' right, of course some mistakes will have to be made :)
General guidelines, play ideas, how to satisfy my sub as another female, how to teach my sub to be a good little girl; this is important as it is likely my sub is going to be very new to the world.
Thanks a million once again, Bree x

There are play ideas by the hundreds, if not thousands, strewn throughout this and other forums. Read, read, read.

Read, for example, Sir Russell, he describes some delightful scenes. Make your sub read the forums and library stories too... and command him/her to read to you, the ones that make him/her hard/wet. And ictures.... I make my sub send me pictures that make her wet. Some I emulate, some I just use for inspiration.

And quite frankly... as the domme, do what pleases you, what turns your crank so to speak... and you can hardly go wrong.

All the while, as noted above, be safe.
Start with activities that have a "wide range of effectivity". Those things where a little bit goes a long way and is as much fun as just short of "too much".

[mistressbear]

Hi everyone,
I know my questions is vague :) but I was wandering if any experienced doms or dommes have any advice for a new domme (I am currently in training).
I have gathered lots of info regarding respect, treatment etc but am still curious about the actual actions of a domme & sub.
My sub will be female until I have completed my training.
Thanks a lot in advance, Bree x

Hi there. It was great reading your message and I will TRY to keep this as brief as I can but I feel I have alot to share here. Not from experience but I am fairly new to this lifestyle as well and love hearing from others who are new and are looking for advice, etc. I met my "subbie" a year ago. I am a 43yof and she is a 45yo male-to-female transsexual. I fell for her the minute I saw her and we had our committment ceremony in July and were "married". :) She has years of experience in the lifestyle and we have "played" but having been vanilla all my life she has been incredibly patient waiting for me to be ready to really to want to be the Domme. Well. I'm more than ready and we have recently had a turning point in our relationship. I whole-heartedly agree with others when they say to talk with your partner. Communication and honesty is the key to making this a natural, comfortable and exciting thing. I was raised to be the "good girl", to be passive and be submissive. On the other hand, my wife, having been raised male, grew up with the exact opposite expectations. We are both more than ready to relinquish those roles and assume the roles that feel most comfortable and natural to us both. I would love to share more specifics if anyone is interested in sharing because like I said I am new and am looking to chat, make friends and learn myself. Hope to hear from you. Glad you've made the journey here as well....it's an exciting place to be ---MistressBear