Does a BDSM relationship make for a Good Marriage? [Archive]

Arria

01-13-2008, 12:41 PM

1)

Comment:

After having wrecked my first serious relationship with a great amount of pain on both sides because we both discovered our desires in the middle of it (both submissive/masochistic), I never again considered a vanilla (or submissive) person for a serious relationship.

My second serious relationship was (and still is) a Dom recommended to me by various (female) people. We are now together for 10 years, 6 of them married :-)

As for your question: Yes, I am sure (given that both partners are into BDSM and their likings/style fit each other) a BDSM relationship is prone to be more fulfilled than a vanilla one - and be it only for the reason that with BDSM you have an almost infinite variety of things to do, whereas in a vanilla relationship there are only a very limited number of things/positions one can try out.
For me, in a BDSM relationship
- trust is greater
- respect is greater
- excitement is FAR, FAR greater

As I am a jealous bitch, including a third person into our relationship for the purpose of "spicing things up" has never been an option. *grins*

Mind - I do not say BDSM is the cure for all relationship troubles. Of course you will have to care about each other and keep communicating as much as, if not more, in any vanilla partnership/marriage.

I hope that helped.

Kind regards
Arria

sub-butterfly

01-13-2008, 12:47 PM

2)
i am in a real life relationship and we have been together for 6 months so not long at all really. my Master and i have known each other about 8 years and in all that time had done no more than steal a kiss once or twice. He had told me about His 'fetish' a couple of years a go and i found it really interesting but at the time did not take it any further. Then we met up again last june and stole another kiss which lead to a bit more, lol. We talked about BDSM and He gave me a few sites to look at and sent me some stories to read. All through this time He was saying how this wasn't going to be a 'relationship' and that He wasn't looking for anything serious.
Well, its 6 months on, we live together, all be it in a shared house, but for the most part we live life as a bdsm couple. We love each other dearly, more than i have ever loved anyone, i cannot say for Him, but i know i have brought things out in Him that He had closed off for an awful long time.
So i can say that from my very short experiance, bdsm has brought me more happiness, love, security and passion than any other relationship and i hope that this one day does become one of the very happy longlasting marriages you hear about so rarely these days.

sorry that went on longer than i expected.

buttefly

MG_cleo

01-13-2008, 01:26 PM

I believe that the dynamics of all relationships are very different. Each relationship is unique in the way the partners both see the relationship, and approach it. Having said that, of course there are some basic similarities in many succcessful relationships too.

What i do believe is that because a D/s or BDSM relationship often operates at a much more intense level than one which does not include those kind of activities, the highs are much higher, but the lows can be much lower. Because of this it is also my very firm belief that the non D/s relationship should give the foundation upon which to base the D/s one. By that i do not mean don't go and talk to anyone about BDSM before you have dated them "vanilla" . What i do say is that, in my personal opinion, to operate a successful D/s relationship, you also need to like that person as a person.

For cleo and I we met online, in a D/s chat room, and then went real life soon after. Having done that we both opted to leave our respective long term marriages to be together 24/7. Our relationship is based upon mutual understanding, and I think that we are lucky to have found our soulmates in each other.

Sometimes of course, the relationships which we build are tested to the limit by things over which we have no control: cleo suffered a stroke in 2005, and is now partially disabled. That has meant that we have had to re-adjust our approach to our D/s, but it certainly has not stopped us. As well as that, our committment to each other has never waivered, and we married in 2006. Although our relationship is markedly different from how we both may have envisioned it 5 years ago because of the stroke, it is no less vibrant and we are continually working to make the relationship different, and exciting.

Our own relationship works at many levels: M/s, husband/wife, equals, friends, lovers, you name it.

We are 1, and 2 for the record
Long may it continue.

MG

drusilla

01-13-2008, 01:28 PM

1 and 2

Draco and i can't legally marry here in PA, which sucks, but whatever, can't change that just yet. But we've been together for nearly 5 years and living together for almost 4 out of those nearly 5. Our relationship started off, sort of vanilla, we both could say "I like to be Domme/sub" but we never went much further with that. Occasionally we would play, maybe a couple of times a year, nothing serious or frequent though. In the last 6-12 months, it's become a major part of our relationship. i've said it before in other threads and in the chat room, but i'll say it here. Our relationship has never been better, and i don't just mean sex. We communicate with each other, we sometimes just talk, maybe it's about sex, maybe it's not. This was something we had stopped doing for a very long time. We're more intimate with each other, we're just stronger, better. Now i *cross fingers* HOPE to be doing a religious marriage ceremony in the next 12-18 months, time (and Draco) will only tell. i do however think it's very possible to have a marriage with someone that started out as a Dom/me/sub and be happy.

Dragon's muse

01-13-2008, 03:03 PM

Dragon and i are legally married, but we only did after a car accident put me in the intensive care unit, and he couldn't see me because he wasn't "family."

Playfulsub

01-13-2008, 05:06 PM

1 and 2. Clove and I have been married for 12 years, together for 14. We've only been D/s for less than a year.

Hime

01-14-2008, 09:44 PM

We have been married for six months and involved in D/s at one level or another for about a year. I think that BDSM has strengthened our relationship by encouraging us to communicate better about our desires and needs. We have recently incorporated another person into our life (see my "two bosses" thread!), and that has required a level of communication that we probably wouldn't have been capable of without our background in BDSM negotiation.

The Tigress

01-15-2008, 01:14 AM

my submissive and I are 2 - real life, together for 1 and a bit years, and in a fledgeling D/s relationship for half-ish of that time.

as for marriage... d/s brings a deep connection, understanding and communication between the people involved. it sounds hammy, but it feels deeper, stronger... the most honest you can be about yourself.

I don't see why it wouldn't be conducive to a married relationship, to have the kind of big, monstrous communicative abilty that is nesesary for a satisfying, loving d/s relationship.

goalt

01-18-2008, 07:24 AM

Mistress and I are 1 and 2. (We probably would be married, but that's not exactly legally possible. :( )

We started out kinda vanilla. Both of us were already into BDSM stuff. Play eventually moved into the Mistress/slave relationship. I'm not sure how much that has effected the relationship, really. We communicate really well and have a great bond, but it's been like that since pretty much the start. If anything, the D/s stuff has made the great even better.

Polaris

01-18-2008, 11:31 AM

We are 2 and possibly 1...things go on and off, but if you don't count the breaks it's a relationship of...dang, many years (even with the breaks). I wouldn't necessarily say that people into BDSM have happier marriages, but I am convinced that having a healthy BDSM relationship helps having a healthy relationship, where the needs of the respective partner are really taken into consideration. What also strikes me, is that at least in my limited experience, BDSM relationships seem to work better communication-wise than vanilla relationships do.

We were both still very young when we met, so there was no BDSM dynamic (or even a word for it) at the beginning of course. What definitely changed when we started exploring (oh, the memories) was that the power struggles we used to have just went *poof*. So many of the little things that nagged away on our relationship to each other simply vanished. It was no longer a topic. I knew that I didn't have to prove my value by being bitchy. He knew that he didn't have to push me around to get what he wanted. I seriously think that the whole D/s dynamic bought us some time, and changed the dynamics in our relationship to the better. And that's not talking about the deep, emotional bond you can create...

Now, I'm not trying to say that this is something you cannot achieve in a vanilla relationship. But I think that it might be something easier to achieve in a BDSM-related one. :)

Stealth694

01-18-2008, 11:35 AM

I am really appreciating the Feedback I am getting. Really is interesting how we are more into communication than so called vanilla people.

Ruby

01-21-2008, 07:16 PM

Really is interesting how we are more into communication than so called vanilla people.

I wonder if this is really true, or something we'd like it to be.

Perhaps, in general "we BDSM couples" are more communicative about our sexual and/or d/s needs and wants than vanilla couples.

That said, T - my hubby - and I started as a "vanilla couple", yet discovered we both had some wonderful BDSM tendancies and have worked them into our 25+ year relationship.

Leigh

01-22-2008, 01:29 AM

well Master and I have been married for 16 years so we are mostly 24/7 as much as we can be with 5 teenagers here.
Sir and I are real life but because of our distance alot of our interaction is online and the phone but he does visit about once a month till next month when he moves here.
Cant really say if our relationship would have been happier had we been bdsm before we married because we just werent until a few years ago.It's something I have always wanted to explore but felt he would run from the house and never come back. I did eventually work up the nerve to discuss it with him and it has done nothing but enhance our relationship.
leigh

Are you and your Dom/me or sub

1) married/in a long term commited relationship

2) real life

3) online with the hope of turning real life

4) online only

Sub-Blizzard recently married her Master and I am curious on do people who started a relationship in BDSM and later marry have a happier marriage?

Comments are welcome.

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Sir_Russell

01-29-2008, 09:35 PM

I know that my ex and I had 10 years of joy and happiness before the kids took most of our BDSM away. During that time she would tell anyone that listened that we were best friends and we were.

Children need to be protected from the life but we stopped and finally even those stolen moments stopped.

So yes if your willing to work very hard at being friends and lovers the life will give you a long and happy adventure but don't stop find ways to continue no matter what or life will just keep throwing curves at you till it destroys you.

DowntownAmber

01-29-2008, 10:23 PM

J-Go and I are a definite 2 with strong leanings towards 1. We're not married yet, but I can't imagine us not being together.

So many of the comments in this thread have touched upon "communication" as the foundation of a good relationship. The Lifestyle seems, to me at least, to be a very specific way of communicating and understanding. It is it's own language, in a way -- no better or worse than any other way, or any vanilla way, just a particular dialect that suits some of us to speak. The offering of one's submission and the responsibility taken on in accepting a sub/slave are deep commitments, both in the realm of another's emotional and physical safety. The giving and accepting of love is manifested in a very upfront and obvious way in a BDSM relationship -- we don't just say "I love you" or "I'm yours," we give these words physical form in the actions of kneeling before our Sirs, wearing the collars of our Masters, or cradling our subs after a session.

Just as a person would speak French or English to communicate their words, I use the Lifestyle as a way to communicate my feelings and my love. And, just like a native French or English speaker, it helps to have someone on the other end that's not chattering on in proverbial Portuguese.

For some, this communication may be found and expressed in a different fashion; for example couples that work together or pursue a similar a religious path. The levels are many and varied and I think the trick is not what method you use to communicate, but finding a partner who listens on that same frequency of understanding and then to have that communicaton continue on as often and as openly as possible.

Sir_Russell

03-02-2008, 07:12 PM

Very well said amber. I often tell mine that there will be times that I will give them only pain to allow her to prove that she is mine. You are so right we do use a lot of body langauge in the Life not just the kneeling but many other forms.

How could anyone prove themselves more then to put their physical and mental person at the mercy of another person.

I have been shown the type of love in the Life that few every get to know, I am so very glad that I also get to show my slave things that no one else would or could that we are actually one is an understatement.

I can't say enough for the levels of trust that are shown to me by a willing slave.

BorderCollie

03-02-2008, 11:34 PM

Hi Ya,
My sub/wife and I have been married for 10 years come the 11th April and we've never been better in our lives.
She was married to a 'nilla bloke, and didn't even know she was a true sub, until she was in high heels and hands behind her back with tape once before we went out.:wave:

crazy_grrluk

03-03-2008, 01:10 AM

S1 and I are both 1 and 2

we have been together for 5 years and are due to marry later this year

icey

03-03-2008, 02:34 AM

we're not married...yet so i cant speak from experience, but i imagine that a D/s marriage will need just as much working at and has just as much chance of working out as a vanilla one.

TomOfSweden

03-03-2008, 03:32 AM

1) married/in a long term commited relationship

This is my second long term BDSM marriage. I was married to my last slave for 6,5 years. This one is 1,5 years, and married since August. It's going really well. Last one went well to. We just grew apart.

I think it removes many unnecessary conflicts. Most decisions in life are pretty arbitrary and the important thing when you do things as a couple is usually not what you do, but who you do it with. But that said, I think there's a strong genetic component.

Some people just are dominant by nature and can't function well in a non-D/s relationship. I can't. I get accused of all kinds of stuff which I don't even realise that I do. I do think I'm sensitive to my partners needs. But it's on a different level preventing me from noticing minor things. It's really beyond my conscious control. I've worked on it all my life, but I'm an idiot when it comes to making certain emotional connections. I automatically map my partners needs and think for the both of us making sure she gets what she's indicated she needed earlier. I tend to forget to ask people what they want if I already know it. This annoys non-D/s people I'm not in a hierarchical situation with.

My wife tells me of a similar situation for her, but of course opposite. She's naturally submissive and has told me she tends to get taken advantage of if she doesn't constantly fight it. She's a bit disorganised when it comes to certain practical things and seems to need somebody taking control. She seems happy about it. Very happy indeed.

Sure, it could be learned behaviour. That we have copied behaviour patterns from our parents. But then again, they might as well have had the same genetic predisposition we inherited.

To sum up. If I'm just myself making minimal effort in a relationship, I'll be a dom. And my slave doing the same will be a slave. For us a BDSM relationship is undoubtedly the preferred form of relationship and the most stress free. But I don't for a second think this is a universal thing. I strongly doubt it. I think when it comes to marriage, there's no one perfect form of relationship. I think it's very personal and I think there's a genetic component which we do best in not fighting. If we do we're just setting us up for misery.

That is at least my theory.

lily27

03-03-2008, 08:35 AM

I am a sub. I live with my Master, and we plan on getting married when we get around to it.

I don't think that on a macro scale, a BDSM relationship is "better" than a vanilla one. It all depends on who you are.

If you are vanilla, and BDSM has no interest to you, than a relationship with a vanilla person could be both fantastic and fulfilling.

But if kink is your thing, I suspect that the best relationship would be with someone who shares that with you.

It is no different than finding a life partner that shares the same values, morals and interests as you. It is all a matter of being with someone who is compatible.

In my observations, it is those who have that deep-rooted compatibility that are happiest, and those that do not that have troubles.

sisterhoney61 {RW}

03-03-2008, 11:25 PM

I am married to my Master. W/we met online 9 years years ago, met IRL a year later and then married a year after that. I was in a vanilla marriage for almost 10 years and I will never go back to that. I love being in a BDSM marriage. I feel very secure as Master's sub and wife. There is so much more open communication between Master and myself than I ever had in my vanilla marriage. There is a great deal more respect on both sides, a lot more affection and a lot better sex.
My first husband was abusive to me and was a drug addict/alcoholic, so Master had His work cut out for Him when W/we first met. I had built some very high walls around myself so that I couldn't get hurt by another man. Master proceeded to break down those walls, little by little, brick by brick. I'm afraid that even after 9 years He is still having to undo some damage. But my BDSM marriage is wonderful and I haven't looked back.

Kitten4DADDY

03-04-2008, 06:05 AM

Are you and your Dom/me or sub

1) married/in a long term commited relationship My Master/husband and I have been married for almost 18 years.

2) real life We live it 24/7, we have 2 children one has left the nest and one is a couple if years away from leaving home, we keep discipline behind closed doors.

3) online with the hope of turning real life We met in middle school. SEVERAL years ago, LOL. We started out best friends, had a vanilla relationship for the first 3 years of marriage. I am the one that approached the lifestyle.

4) online only

Sub-Blizzard recently married her Master and I am curious on do people who started a relationship in BDSM and later marry have a happier marriage? I know for a fact that our marriage is better with hubby as HOH, and we rarely fight. I think our lifestyle definitely makes our marriage stronger. I don't think it matters if you start out in the lifestyle or not, we didn't, of course I had always needed it. It took me a while to work up the nerve to ask for it though. ( I felt like I was bad for wanting to be spanked and tied up.) The proof is in the pudding so to speak. Our marriage was on rocky ground for while but BDSM took out a lot of the reasons we fought. Once I learned to give up control, things just naturally worked themselves out.

rora

03-04-2008, 11:46 AM

I am on line only. Been very happily married for quite awhile. A vanilla marriage. Working on 43 years now.

I know several in D/s marriages real life. Seems like the D/s fades away and they are very happy with vanilla. What I keep hearing is, no one can do it 24/7. But I am sure that some do.

Whatever kind of relationship or marriage you are in requires work, commitment and trust, openness, respect and love.

Sir_Russell

03-04-2008, 07:02 PM

24 7 is one of those terms that differs from couple to couple, there are those that think it means the Dominant makes ever decision no matter its size and importance, those that say it means the slave doesn't drive and if the slave works then the money all goes to the Dom.

For me it means I am the final say in any matter, that she agrees to live within my tenants or rules even when I am not there. She knows that I will do whatever it takes to make her safe and keep her sane.

I expect her to be a strong confident woman with intelligence so that when I am not available she has the capability to live in a manner that makes me proud.

Deepdesiretolearn

03-04-2008, 08:27 PM

Thank you Mistress Dom for your compliment.
I do have to agree that I think at it's core BDSM requires a deeper level of communication and trust than a vanillia relationship and that in BDSM you already know your role with your partner. Although I speak all of this through what I think aboutvBDSM as I have yet to have any r/l experience but my Mistress and I are planning on meeting r/l soon and I know the experience will be amazing because she is amazing. I dare say the best.

Kitten4DADDY

03-05-2008, 07:30 AM

I guess for us 24/7 means that we don't just have playtime and bring out our Dom/sub roles. We live it. He makes the big decisions, but is always interested in my thoughts. If I am concerned he isn't callous about his decisions. He will listen to my concerns and explain why his way is better. And he is usually right. I know he works hard for us and all his decisions are based on what is best for the family.

But all in all he is in charge all of the time. Does he ask me what restaurant I want to go to? Yes, and he will take me where I choose. I do drive if I have to, but normally he does all the driving when we are together. But I do have mom things to do that I need to drive.

I show him respect 24/7, he takes care of me 24/7, I look up to him for courage, and guidance 24/7.

I don't throw fits or "brat" for attention. He doesn't use his control over me in front of others for a power trip. It is just a good old-fashioned values marriage as far as I am concerned, with kink in the bedroom. (grins) Of course I am disciplined when I need it. And of course I am disciplined in the bedroom for both our enjoyment. There is a difference. When I disappoint him and have to be disciplined I will cry because of my mistakes and it is a horrible feeling. When we play that is different.

rora

03-05-2008, 08:02 AM

He makes the big decisions, but is always interested in my thoughts. If I am concerned he isn't callous about his decisions. He will listen to my concerns and explain why his way is better. And he is usually right. I know he works hard for us and all his decisions are based on what is best for the family.

But all in all he is in charge all of the time. Does he ask me what restaurant I want to go to? Yes, and he will take me where I choose. I do drive if I have to, but normally he does all the driving when we are together. But I do have mom things to do that I need to drive.

I show him respect 24/7, he takes care of me 24/7, I look up to him for courage, and guidance 24/7.

Thank you kitten. You just nailed it. All I was trying to say is you don't have to be D/s for that. You can have all of that in vanilla too. I am living proof. It comes with time and a lot of work.