Young sub troubles

[moonlitsub]

I have been having trouble finding any dom male or female since I turned eighteen two and half years ago. I don't know if it is because of my age or my lack of experience, or what but I have been looking on various sites, like collarme.com, I looked for local area munches but there isn't much in the various locations I have ended up living the last couple years (going to college and all that) now I am interning and it seems like I still am cursed to not find anyone. Does anyone have any hints or suggestions I am just about given up on finding someone.

[Masternicktr]

Patience don't give up. Correct Dominant will find you.

[snowflake]

Patience don't give up. Correct Dominant will find you.

i agree pateince.. Finding the right Dom/me is just like trying to find the right bf/gf.. let alone husband/wife...

One day it will just happen...

hugs
snow

[moonlitsub]

Its not like I have been having relationships that haven't been working out its I haven't found anyone at all but I guess patients. Thanks I posted this with out realizing it was valentines day now I probably seem like a romantic sap.

[Logic1]

romantic sap or not but patience dear.
your time will come just as it did for me.
I was looking for a sub for a few years but with patience I happened to find one, or she found me.
It took a few years and well we dont exactly have any munches or things like that here either except for the occational fetish party/club but those mostly consist of showoffs and those that just loves to play dressup.

good luck to you

[Whippett]

Have patience - and CM is full of wannabes and time-wasters too...so be careful there. If you'd like to talk about things - feel free to PM me.

[Sir_Russell]

I am from the St. Pete area so I am pretty familar with your area, there is a group in Fort Meyers another in Sarasota I think there is a small group in Venice. PM if you want the address of a group that informs about most of the groups from the west coast of florida.

[underwhere]

In addition to patience, as others have suggested but which is not exactly an easy thing to acquire, I would explore the idea that communication and personality are important aspects of creating any kind of relationship. It also helps, I think, to be looking in places conducive to allowing such relationships to occur. Probably most important is being open and honest about what you are looking for. Before being directed here, for example, I became active on another web site. (I don't know if I can mention which one here. Are there any prohibitions against that?) I was a true newbie in every sense of the word, and it took me a few months before I "learned the ropes" as it were, and a few months more before something which occurred on that website caused me to reach out in a frustrated collection of words because I had a desire to share something with the community that the site admin, because of issues with his biller, would not permit me to post in my blog. (It was a poem, and I'd like to share it here, but I'd be worried it would be rejected on similar grounds. Although I made it very clear in the poem itself that I was referring to myself as the subject of the poem, the imagery I used might confuse somebody with no abilities at reading poetry that I was referring to a real child rather than my inner child.) I blogged about the specific incident in question and invited people to contact me privately if they wanted to see what I had wanted to post but was not permitted to. I must have sent out about 30 private messages with the "prohibited content" to people who had asked to see it. One of those people took a specific interest in me. I haven't met her in person yet. She lives almost all the way across the country from me, and circumstances have been such that we haven't been able to plan anything just yet, but both of us are hopeful that we will be able to do so in the future at some point, possibly just a few months out.

So I guess what I want to ask you is this: how have you been looking? To attract the attention of a Dom or Domme, you have to show them that you are worth their attention. Your Average Joe is not likely going to be too interesting to to such a person. Make yourself fun, unique, thoughtful, and perhaps fortune will shine upon you too.

Also, while its good practical advice to look local, you might not find the person you are really looking for in your back yard.

I hope you find who you are looking for, just as I hope that person finds you.

[Stone]

anything worth having in life will take time and risks if it was easy everyoner would be doing it

[moonlitsub]

Thanks underwhere I can defiantly identify with people miss interpreting poetry, I got in trouble in a writing class my senior year for that. I have been looking mostly online to either talk to Doms or to start relationships with. This has been on and off since I have been busy with school and right now I'm working overnights so thats making it even harder. I'm supposed to be moved to work day hours soon so that will help me look into local clubs and munches.

[Tojo]

The world needs more romantic saps, don't worry ;)

Yes there does appear to be a shortage of decent Dom/mes, or decent guys for that matter, but fear not- it'll happen.

Probably when you least expect it- I always say to anyone I talk to who's having probs finding someone that it's sometimes better to find a person they can click with, rather than a Dom or sub.

My wife isn't my sub- but who cares? She's been the love of my life for many years.

Oh, & you're way too young to be giving up! Enjoy your freedom while you can.

[TomOfSweden]

I have been having trouble finding any dom male or female since I turned eighteen two and half years ago. I don't know if it is because of my age or my lack of experience, or what but I have been looking on various sites, like collarme.com, I looked for local area munches but there isn't much in the various locations I have ended up living the last couple years (going to college and all that) now I am interning and it seems like I still am cursed to not find anyone. Does anyone have any hints or suggestions I am just about given up on finding someone.

Your problems could be any number of things so I won't speculate too much. But I've got a few sub friends who have the same problem. It could simply be down to statistics. They don't go out enough.

Dominant guys don't only hang on BDSM Internet sites. They're everywhere, and usually quite easy to pick out from a crowd. And Internet is not a good place to judge a persons character. IMHO. And submissives have a tendency to be a bit passive while out on the town. I think the only solution is to once in a while is to break your nature and just speak up, "ooo, you have big hands. I bet they can get girls bottoms very red".

My experience is that dominant guys are very popular among women in general. So here's the problem. The dominant guys want submissive women, but are only exposed to the more aggressive women, (which they don't really see themselves with other than for a quick shag) and the submissive women usually disappear in a crowd, and end up talking to some nerdy bookworm who's feeling lucky only because she's too submissive and care about his feelings to tell him that she's not interested, and then the dominant guy sees that she's already taken so he might as well get busy with the annoying but hot aggressive chick.

I'm well aware that this might only be my own experiences and is very much flavoured by the submissives I have met. But the simply truth is that many great dominant guys don't visit the BDSM world, and unless you get out and about you won't find them.

I haven't met any of my slaves in the BDSM scene. I think the BDSM world is great for being in once you've found mr right, but I don't think it's a good place to find him. There's too many loser guys attracted to the scene who systematically prey on women who are as desperate as they are.

But this is seeing things, purely from a European perspective. It might be different in US of A. And it might also be completely unrelated and irrelevant.

[moonlitsub]

no its true when it comes to the social scene over here. i do break loose and get rowdy but i have been overwhelmed with work and a few other things for much real life socialization outside of the small college town i was in for awhile. Thank you all so much for telling me not to give up. i still am somewhat of a teenager at times, thinking i should give up on love, but seeing all the positive out pour here shows that maybe i just have been looking in the wrong places. If i can't find a dom/mes, well i know i defiantly have friends here.

[TomOfSweden]

If i can't find a dom/mes, well i know i defiantly have friends here.

Yes

[Sir_Russell]

The truth is that I have all ways been able to spot the submissive lovely lady and if she is not married then the nerd is going to have trouble.

Many of the woman I have been with didn't know they were submissives before they met me.

[TomOfSweden]

The truth is that I have all ways been able to spot the submissive lovely lady and if she is not married then the nerd is going to have trouble.

Many of the woman I have been with didn't know they were submissives before they met me.

he he. If I'd only known that when I was younger I would have made many more subs happy, and them me. It took me a long time to figure it out. And now I wonder why it took so long.

I'm guessing it's the same all over the world, but here in Sweden women of all ages are bombarded with propaganda telling them that they're basically traitors to their gender if they're submissive to a man. Don't get me wrong. In the big picture, it's probably a good thing. But I cannot imagine this makes life as a submissive woman today any less confusing.

[moonlitsub]

:rolleyes: Hmm it some how seems that my self online is being portrayed as a female. i apologize if there is a misunderstanding perhaps my avatar is feminine in some peoples eyes but i am a male. though all that advice thus far has been most helpful and informative. thank you all and sorry for any misidentification of my gender.

[TomOfSweden]

:rolleyes: Hmm it some how seems that my self online is being portrayed as a female. i apologize if there is a misunderstanding perhaps my avatar is feminine in some peoples eyes but i am a male. though all that advice thus far has been most helpful and informative. thank you all and sorry for any misidentification of my gender.

he he. But the same still applies, it's just a different set of pressures to deal with.

[moonlitsub]

yes very true, it makes for interesting "guy talk" when they start talking about who would do who, and all I can think about is being pinned down and made to take what ever she wants.

[Ozme52]

rock and the hard place.
subs outnumber doms.
straights outnumber gays so I presume straight doms outnumber gay doms.
doms outnumber dommes.

so patience is paramount.

[Tojo]

Actually I find it hard to believe anyone can spot Doms or subs in a crowd...

That's a bit like the old myth that gay people can spot another across a room.

It's also somewhat of a generalisation that subs are all shy & retiring.

From what I've seen, few young guys have the self-confidence to be a Dom- that seems to create something of a shortage. Collarme seems to be peopled by 'Santas.'

However moonlitsub, no matter who you are or what you want, you only need one decent person. Geez when you're not even 25, you have your whole life ahead of you- enjoy being single while you can!

[TomOfSweden]

That's a bit like the old myth that gay people can spot another across a room.


he he. Even I can do that with great accuracy and I'm not even gay. I just hang out a lot with fags. And I've yet to be proven wrong. Methinks you have a broken gaydar.

It's in the eyes. Pay attention to what people are checking out. It's beyond conscious control. Peoples eyes widen when they're excited about something they see. Hopes, dreams and lust are all laid bare to the attentive. I'm not going to pretend that I've got some kind of superpower or am awesomely smart. It's really not that difficult. You just have to pay attention.

Poker is great practice.

[Tojo]

Tom in many parts of the world it's considered insulting to the highest degree to refer to gay men as 'fags'

It comes from a belief that they deserve to be burnt alive- faggots being the sticks of wood used to do it with.

[delish]

It was only when I had truly decided to stop looking, to take life as it comes, and I meant it in my heart of hearts; it was only then that I was found and saved. It sounds like you have a lot of focus on your career and what you're doing for yourself- That was another big thing with me. I had decided to get my act together and start focusing on my life, so you're already a step ahead of me. I do have one word of caution, though- Don't jump on the first Dom/me who comes along. I'm not saying S/he won't be the right one, but with your eagerness to be in a committed relationship, you could be setting yourself up to settle for less than you deserve because you don't think you can find better. I guess my advice would be better phrased: Don't settle. You deserve the best.

Your relationship will come when you least expect it. :) At least, that's how it often seems to happen. But it will come, so don't give up.

As an aside to an above comment: My husband knew I was submissive, when there was no reason to suspect, in my mind. If anything, I was overbearing and abrasive (I'm sure that's shocking, eh? Hah), but he knew. There are people who can do things like that.

[Ozme52]

...whereas, I became a hunter. Pursuing those who interest me.

But that takes a lot of self esteem. Not everyone will be interested in return and you have to realize that it takes two to make a relationship and that is what is being rejected when you get turned down... not you the individual.

But then... as a dominant personality, I have no experience in what it might be like to be a submissive and an aggressive pursuer.

But as Tojo said, you're young. The urgency you feel now to get on with your life... you'll come to realize later that you didn't need to rush into anything.

delish has the right idea, don't press so hard and you will have more time to see opportunity when it knocks.

[TomOfSweden]

Tom in many parts of the world it's considered insulting to the highest degree to refer to gay men as 'fags'

It comes from a belief that they deserve to be burnt alive- faggots being the sticks of wood used to do it with.

Hm... I think the only gays who would be insulted by it, are gays who are actively looking for something to get offended by. I hang out a lot with gays, so I'd say I'm pretty "down with" acceptable lingo. I don't see any reason to bend over backward to avoid being culturally insensitive if nobody in the target group really cares.

I've got a funny story on that. I went to an International school as a kid and there was an issue about an old traditional ball game, called traditionally the quite politically incorrect word "nigger". But that was it's name and had been for a very long time. There was a debate to change it and there was a big meeting about it and a ballot for new names. The debate was lively. Toward the end of it there was three black guys in my class, all very black indeed from Africa who said that this was ridiculous they're going to keep calling it "nigger" and anybody who calls it anything else they would beat up. Just the fact that people took so much trouble to make them feel like overly sensitive special needs kids who needed to be tip toed around, they thought was more insulting than a name for a game we all knew had an archaic background and wasn't intended to insult.

I have a feeling it's the same deal with the "fag" thing. If anybody of homosexual persuasion get offended by the term "fag" let us know. I suspect that no gay person really takes offence no matter what debasing word for their group one uses. All the words have been way too much used and abused and have lost all their negative potency. At least, that's the vibe I pick up from my gay friends. But then again, this is just from my little gay pond in Sweden. So I could be wrong about other places in the world.

[underwhere]

Hm... I think the only gays who would be insulted by it, are gays who are actively looking for something to get offended by. I hang out a lot with gays, so I'd say I'm pretty "down with" acceptable lingo. I don't see any reason to bend over backward to avoid being culturally insensitive if nobody in the target group really cares.

Its a funny sort of thing, though. This, and your discussion of "nigger" which followed but which I am not quoting to save space, is one of those things whereby there seems to be rather a double-standard as far as who can use the words and who can't. For example, I am white. My great grandparents came from Europe (Poland and parts of the former Soviet Union). I have no "black" in my heritage at all. If I were to even say the word "nigger" in the context of any conversation, I'd be instantly declared a racist person when nothing could be further from the truth. Contrast this to my observations of many blacks talking among themselves and the use of such a word seems to fly off the tip of their tongue at rapid pace when talking to each other. (Perhaps this is something of the younger generation.)

With regard specifically to finding suitable people to "play with", its probably safer to avoid using words which could potentially be inflammatory, both in writing and in speech, because you never know who you might offend.

[TomOfSweden]

With regard specifically to finding suitable people to "play with", its probably safer to avoid using words which could potentially be inflammatory, both in writing and in speech, because you never know who you might offend.

As far as "fag" is concerned I think it's a question of communication and what is commonly used. Dan Savage, which is mainstream of mainstream gay media.... uses the word "fag" constantly. I blame him.

I'm sorry if I reacted strongly. But trying very hard not to offend various groups I think is the hallmark of cultural relativism, which is a movement I strongly detest. Conflict is good. In conflict we learn. If we're constantly tip toeing around to avoid insulting various groups we:

1) will never understand what various groups really find insulting.
2) won't know why they find it insulting.
3) hampering communication by focusing on the wrong things.
4) limiting our usable vocabulary, (I like naughty words).

Anyhoo, I can see both sides of this argument. There's a time and place for everything. But this forum, is for me, a place to learn.

[sub84]

Its not like I have been having relationships that haven't been working out its I haven't found anyone at all but I guess patients. Thanks I posted this with out realizing it was valentines day now I probably seem like a romantic sap.

im having the same problem finding a male dom. there isnt much in my area either because im inexpericenced i just keep researching to learn more about the life and waiting for my dom to find me

[mirage030303]

Your problems could be any number of things so I won't speculate too much. But I've got a few sub friends who have the same problem. It could simply be down to statistics. They don't go out enough.

Dominant guys don't only hang on BDSM Internet sites. They're everywhere, and usually quite easy to pick out from a crowd. And Internet is not a good place to judge a persons character. IMHO. And submissives have a tendency to be a bit passive while out on the town. I think the only solution is to once in a while is to break your nature and just speak up, "ooo, you have big hands. I bet they can get girls bottoms very red".

My experience is that dominant guys are very popular among women in general. So here's the problem. The dominant guys want submissive women, but are only exposed to the more aggressive women, (which they don't really see themselves with other than for a quick shag) and the submissive women usually disappear in a crowd, and end up talking to some nerdy bookworm who's feeling lucky only because she's too submissive and care about his feelings to tell him that she's not interested, and then the dominant guy sees that she's already taken so he might as well get busy with the annoying but hot aggressive chick.

I'm well aware that this might only be my own experiences and is very much flavoured by the submissives I have met. But the simply truth is that many great dominant guys don't visit the BDSM world, and unless you get out and about you won't find them.

I haven't met any of my slaves in the BDSM scene. I think the BDSM world is great for being in once you've found mr right, but I don't think it's a good place to find him. There's too many loser guys attracted to the scene who systematically prey on women who are as desperate as they are.

But this is seeing things, purely from a European perspective. It might be different in US of A. And it might also be completely unrelated and irrelevant.

Tom, i soo agree with this comment, i live in eastern canada and it works exacly like that here.

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

i believe that a BDSM relationship is no different from any other. Take care of yourself, be yourself, enjoy your friends and family, and when you least expect it...good things will happen. My experience has been that the harder you look, the more elusive it seems. A bit like the watched pot never boiling *chuckles*. Take this oppurtunity to learn about yourself and your needs so that when that special someone does come along, you'll be ready for Him/Her.

[icey]

The truth is that I have all ways been able to spot the submissive lovely lady and if she is not married then the nerd is going to have trouble.

Many of the woman I have been with didn't know they were submissives before they met me.

this is so true, and the opposite too. subs tend automatically to 'spot' the Doms often without realising it or often bring out the Dominant side of people who dont yet realise it.

the downside to it is they often veer towards abusive people too.
im not sure that subs dont go out as often TomOfSweden but they are certainly more passive and much less likely to approach someone they're attracted to, but we're also often much better than our friends at flirting subtly ;) which most men seem to prefer.

sometimes a good place to hang out can be gay clubs surprisingly as they tend to know many people or places for people to go in the lifestyle,both straight and gay.
people are generally more friendly and many take the effort to get to know the more submissive people perhaps its because they can recognise and empathise with that feeling of being slightly 'different'.

not much help sorry and as everyone else has said there's no rush and you're still young get out and enjoy yourself :)

note i used the term gay although most of my gay male friends were forever calling themselves and each other fags,bitches and queers lol and the women generally referred to themselves as lemons and lezzies.