Ending a relationship

[tina2008]

Hello all,

I need assistance.

I've been in a relationship with a Dom for approximately 5 months and this is my first real-time D/s relationship. We knew our time together would be temporary due to His obligations and responsibilities and as we could only see each other a couple times a month, however, our emotions have gotten involved.

Recently, I suffered a loss in my family and when this occurred, by emotions were understandably out of whack. I decided that life was too short and that I wanted to experience as much as possible as I've had a pretty rough time of things the majority of my life. That being said, I had the "collar" discussion with "my" Dom. He was very happy that I decided to accept His collar and we've been looking for one that I could wear at all times. By the way, we hadn't actually decided on a collar and that helps a bit.

Well, fast forward 2 months and once again I've come to the realization that I absolutely will never be a priority in His life. I thought I could accept that, but I can't. I take full responsibility for agreeing to accept His collar...I know it's best not to make decisions during any emotional times in my life, but I can't change the past.

I'd like to remain friends with Him and explain that I really need/want more than a less than part-time relationship. I know many have relationships where they see their Dom's only a couple times a month, but this does not work for me. I'd like to end this relationship as amicably as possible. Also, I'd like to talk with Him face to face as I think and this type of discussion via e-mail or IM may seem a bit cold.

I guess I'm asking Doms and subs how they've dealt with this situation.

Please, please, please try to be kind with your responses. I fully accept that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I know by posting this type of question on a forum that I may be blasted, but what I face is going to be painful enough as it is. I just hope someone can understand what I'm going through.

Thank you so much for any suggestions.

[Sir_Russell]

you made a mistake probably figured he would find more time to care for his possession. The Life is hard enough to live but to live it unhappy is worse.

End it as well as you can and then guard your gift remembering it is not a toy to be given and taken away lightly. Be careful in finding a Master if it isn't right for you both then it will never work.

[Wind_Walker25]

Sounds to me you have the right way of going about it in mind.
we all make mistakes. As long as we are honorable in taking care of our mistakes.
no one can really judge us..

[Tojo]

Sorry to hear this tina- it's never easy...

It's hard to answer your query without knowing all the facts- for a start, I'm not sure if you've met in person?

If you're only seeing him every couple of months, it doesn't seem to make sense to me to wait for the next meeting.

My suggestion is to use whatever medium you usually use to let him know your decision. If you chat on IM regularly, that's the place to do it.

You sound like you have your head together pretty well- & have thought about this. I'd be surprised if he didn't want to remain friends.

If you have specific questions, feel free to PM me.

Good luck, & let us know how it goes if you like. :wave:

[TomOfSweden]

Hello all,

I need assistance.

I've been in a relationship with a Dom for approximately 5 months and this is my first real-time D/s relationship. We knew our time together would be temporary due to His obligations and responsibilities and as we could only see each other a couple times a month, however, our emotions have gotten involved.

Recently, I suffered a loss in my family and when this occurred, by emotions were understandably out of whack. I decided that life was too short and that I wanted to experience as much as possible as I've had a pretty rough time of things the majority of my life. That being said, I had the "collar" discussion with "my" Dom. He was very happy that I decided to accept His collar and we've been looking for one that I could wear at all times. By the way, we hadn't actually decided on a collar and that helps a bit.

Well, fast forward 2 months and once again I've come to the realization that I absolutely will never be a priority in His life. I thought I could accept that, but I can't. I take full responsibility for agreeing to accept His collar...I know it's best not to make decisions during any emotional times in my life, but I can't change the past.

I'd like to remain friends with Him and explain that I really need/want more than a less than part-time relationship. I know many have relationships where they see their Dom's only a couple times a month, but this does not work for me. I'd like to end this relationship as amicably as possible. Also, I'd like to talk with Him face to face as I think and this type of discussion via e-mail or IM may seem a bit cold.

I guess I'm asking Doms and subs how they've dealt with this situation.

Please, please, please try to be kind with your responses. I fully accept that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I know by posting this type of question on a forum that I may be blasted, but what I face is going to be painful enough as it is. I just hope someone can understand what I'm going through.

Thank you so much for any suggestions.

I suggest you show him this post. It's is honest, eloquent and to the point. You will make him sad no matter what you do. It's a fact of life. But remember. It's you that's the important one for you. I know a subbie brain doesn't work that way, but you'll just have to be your own master and force yourself to believe it if you want to end this with your sanity intact.

Good luck, and you'll always have friends here.

[tina2008]

I appreciate all the responses I've received.

I don't know how to add individual quotes, so I'll go down the list:

Sir Russell: "You made a mistake". Yes, I did....He was very upfront about His responsibilities and as this was my first real-time D/s relationship, I guess I was in a bit of a rush to gain lifestyle experience. I plan to be very careful with my gift in the future.

Wind Walker 25: "As long as we are honorable". As much as our relationship was dishonorable in many ways, the honorable thing to do is end it.

Tojo: "Sorry to hear- it's never easy": We met a few times a month as He lives only an hour away. No, it won't be easy as I've tried to broach the subject many times before.

TomofSweden: "I know a subbie brain doesn't work that way". Ok, you made me laugh....I hope that was intentional. You're correct..being a "subbie" can at times make it difficult to express yourself to a Dom, but I'll most likely go into "work" mode as I'm hardly submissive in that venue. Yes, He will be sad as will I. He has been a great friend.

[sidhewolf]

Hello all,

I need assistance.

I've been in a relationship with a Dom for approximately 5 months and this is my first real-time D/s relationship. We knew our time together would be temporary due to His obligations and responsibilities and as we could only see each other a couple times a month, however, our emotions have gotten involved.

Recently, I suffered a loss in my family and when this occurred, by emotions were understandably out of whack. I decided that life was too short and that I wanted to experience as much as possible as I've had a pretty rough time of things the majority of my life. That being said, I had the "collar" discussion with "my" Dom. He was very happy that I decided to accept His collar and we've been looking for one that I could wear at all times. By the way, we hadn't actually decided on a collar and that helps a bit.

Well, fast forward 2 months and once again I've come to the realization that I absolutely will never be a priority in His life. I thought I could accept that, but I can't. I take full responsibility for agreeing to accept His collar...I know it's best not to make decisions during any emotional times in my life, but I can't change the past.

I'd like to remain friends with Him and explain that I really need/want more than a less than part-time relationship. I know many have relationships where they see their Dom's only a couple times a month, but this does not work for me. I'd like to end this relationship as amicably as possible. Also, I'd like to talk with Him face to face as I think and this type of discussion via e-mail or IM may seem a bit cold.

I guess I'm asking Doms and subs how they've dealt with this situation.

Please, please, please try to be kind with your responses. I fully accept that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I know by posting this type of question on a forum that I may be blasted, but what I face is going to be painful enough as it is. I just hope someone can understand what I'm going through.

Thank you so much for any suggestions.

Hello Tina and All~

It seems you have come to realizations about yourself and your Needs. And even though they aren't as Hoped, Needs are what they are. I have been here before myself, and it's no easy place to be. <huggs>.

If it isn't possible to meet with your *M* for this discussion, email will have to do. Get yourself and your words together, Explain (what you have explained here), and then ask him for Release. I Know just how painfull this is. Better now then later. That way you can both move on to what and whom is Happy and Healthy for you.

Blessings Strength and Courage to you. <Hugs>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[tina2008]

Sidhewolf: Thanks for the hugs and words of courage and strength. I need them. I talked with Him earlier today and our conversation was a bit "strained" as He only had a few minutes. I'll most likely see Him within the next couple of days and will probably do as TomofSweden suggested....show Him this post.

Thanks again

[lily27]

I have been where you are. It isn't easy, but sometimes it has to be done. Don't beat yourself up for making a "mistake". Sometimes relationships just don't work out. If you had a 5-month vanilla relationship that you decided to end, it wouldn't be a "mistake"... it would just be a relationship that didn't work out.

Everything is a learning experience. If you didn't have your time with this man, you may never have come to the realizations about what you really need.

In my situation I was seeing a Dom who was in the same town as me, but worked literally around the clock. I was really sick and tired of planning to see him, and then him going to work instead. It wasn't his fault... he was like that before I met him, and it really wasn't fair for me to expect him to change. But he had taught me a few things in the process, and I don't regret anything. One day I just told him the truth (over the phone, since I rarely ever saw him). I said I needed someone that had more time for me, and who I could build a real relationship with. He understood, but also understood he couldn't give it to me. We stayed friends for a little while, but eventually drifted apart.

I really wanted to find someone who could give me everything. I wanted all of the benefits of a "regular" relationship, and a Dom too. I was lucky to find it shortly after breaking off the previous relationship. We now own a house together, and are expecting a baby. So you absolutely deserve, and can have, everything you want.

I strongly believe that every day you stay in a relationship that is wrong for you, is one day that you are missing out on being with someone who is right.

It won't be easy, but it sounds like it is something you have to do. Good luck!

[TomOfSweden]

I strongly believe that every day you stay in a relationship that is wrong for you, is one day that you are missing out on being with someone who is right.


That one sentence is great. Thanks.

[gemmy]

tina, firstly I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in this position, it can't be easy and I'm sure hurts deeply *hugs*

Now, this 'mistake' is not yours alone and he has as much responsibility in this as you do knowing he could not be a full-time Dom to you and your needs.

Yes, I have been in this situation (albeit online only) but the ending was known but didn't make it any less sad or emotionally draining as we both got in far more emotionally than either thought could possibly happen and we both knew he couldn't be mine as full-time as I required but 'settled' regardless because it was so great.

I cried for days. literally and still can't think too much about it without a terrible pain but we finally let the other go without any 'bad feelings' just a sadness that I still hope will go away one day.

If you can do it in person, obviously that would be the best but you also have to keep in mind that he likely already knows anyway - try to keep the good you have and leave blame at the door - neither is to blame, it just isn't what you need simply.

Good luck and I wish you the best of what is certainly not a happy situation

[TomOfSweden]

Hey, guys stop saying it was a mistake. It wasn't. It felt right when she got into this, and it doesn't any longer. She now knows that it would never have worked. But the only way to sort out her own emotions about this is to have gone into it head first. I'm sure she's grown from this. Now she's wiser and finding the next man in her life will now be easier, because she's much better at spotting the traits which are important to her.

Mistakes are rarely things you do. Most mistakes are things you never tried or did and therefore don't know what you could have learned.

[gemmy]

Hey, guys stop saying it was a mistake. It wasn't. It felt right when she got into this, and it doesn't any longer. She now knows that it would never have worked. But the only way to sort out her own emotions about this is to have gone into it head first. I'm sure she's grown from this. Now she's wiser and finding the next man in her life will now be easier, because she's much better at spotting the traits which are important to her.

Mistakes are rarely things you do. Most mistakes are things you never tried or did and therefore don't know what you could have learned.

Absolutely! and well said Tom - I couldn't agree more

[tina2008]

Originally Posted by lily27
"I strongly believe that every day you stay in a relationship that is wrong for you, is one day that you are missing out on being with someone who is right."

Lily, that is a very powerful sentence. At the time I met Him, we were "friends" only. He was my safe call, etc., but He would become upset when I would meet with other Doms. That, coupled with the fact that I had so many coffee dates and meetings became quite stressful and I decided to take a break and "took myself off the market", so to speak. Hopefully, I didn't miss out on the one meant for me.

Tom, entering into a relationship where I knew I couldn't be a priority was a mistake. Accepting His offer of a collar was also a mistake. The experience I gained from this relationship has allowed me to grow and the only thing I regret is the possible loss of a good friend.

MastersGem, as I hope He and I can remain friends, perhaps I'll be spared the crying. Because I knew the relationship was temporary, I'm not sure my heart was fully vested.

You guys are great.....thank you so much

[tina2008]

Originally Posted by lily27
"I strongly believe that every day you stay in a relationship that is wrong for you, is one day that you are missing out on being with someone who is right."

Lily, that is a very powerful sentence. At the time I met Him, we were "friends" only. He was my safe call, etc., but He would become upset when I would meet with other Doms. That, coupled with the fact that I had so many coffee dates and meetings became quite stressful and I decided to take a break and "took myself off the market", so to speak. Hopefully, I didn't miss out on the one meant for me.

Tom, entering into a relationship where I knew I couldn't be a priority was a mistake. Accepting His offer of a collar was also a mistake. The experience I gained from this relationship has allowed me to grow and the only thing I regret is the possible loss of a good friend.

MastersGem, as I hope He and I can remain friends, perhaps I'll be spared the crying. Because I knew the relationship was temporary, I'm not sure my heart was fully vested.

You guys are great.....thank you so much

[John56{vg}]

Tina,

All the posts in response to this question are well-said and so true. Yes, he will have some sadness and have a hard time hearing it, but you have Already had a hard time of it, too.

You did NOT make a mistake. Be easier on yourself hon and just be honest and upfront. You have shown you are a caring person who is eloguent and clear in expressing herself.

Violet girl and I care for each other very much and I hope and pray that it will always be so, BUT we wrote in our collaring vows that if either one of us felt different at any time we could end it. So you must go with your truth.

We are here with you and if you need support we will be there. Good luck.

John

[Wind_Walker25]

The mistake would not be the the start of a new relationship.
The mistake would be the one most of us have all made, staying in one that we know is dead or going the wrong way for us.
When most of us say Mistake it is what we are talking about.
Its hard to leave a relationship that stared out so well, and we find ourself staying in it
hoping it will turn around, for some of us it akward to get out of one.
for others very painful. For tina2008 I know it is very painful..
so I wish her the best of luck

[sidhewolf]

Sidhewolf: Thanks for the hugs and words of courage and strength. I need them. I talked with Him earlier today and our conversation was a bit "strained" as He only had a few minutes. I'll most likely see Him within the next couple of days and will probably do as TomofSweden suggested....show Him this post.

Thanks again

You're of course Welcome Tina. There are probably a bazillion ways to communicate to another person that *Hey this ain't workin' for me*. Tom's suggestion is certainly one way to accomplish what you need to for yourself. I think whatever is most comfortable for You and meets your needs is what's best.

Remember to Breathe Sweetie. I Know how hard this is.

The best to you Tina.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[Logic1]

Well for me, the difference isnt really that large compared to a "nilla" relationship.
If it doesnt work well it just doesnt.
Since you havent actually gotten the collar yet either then it is even less of a hassle imho.
I have been in plenty of relationships both nilla and D/s and all those endings were "good" ones so if you are just honest and upfront it shouldnt be too much of a hardship on any of you two. I am pretty sure that even he can see that if he cant really be there for you as is "needed" to actually be in a "real" relationship then it really isnt gonna work and most people is clever enough to see that. (Yes that includes guys ;))
Stay strong and it will be for the best.
:)

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

I strongly believe that every day you stay in a relationship that is wrong for you, is one day that you are missing out on being with someone who is right.



Never have i read a more true and poignant statement. We all have the tendency to believe that tomorrow will be better. We are never promised tomorrow, and although it is a difficult and painful situation, with tact, honesty, and the genuine caring that allowed you guys to begin the relationship in the first place, all should work out well.

Tina, i agree that you have a wonderful way with words, and i'm sure that your Dom will understand if you explain yourself as you have here. i wish you the best of luck, but don't let things drag out sweetie. Give yourself the chance for the happiness you deserve. *hugs and best wishes*

[tessa]

Mistakes are rarely things you do. Most mistakes are things you never tried or did and therefore don't know what you could have learned.

Another brilliant from Tom.

All the best to you in this sad situation, tina.

[tina2008]

Quick update: The "relationship" has not ended, although we have sat down and discussed the issues I mentioned in my original post. We have come to an "agreement" of sorts and will try to make things work. The "collar" discussion will not be brought up any time soon.

I really appreciate all the responses received to my post and trust me, I haven't taken any of the responses lightly.


Thank you guys so very much and take care,

Tina

[Tojo]

Thanks for letting us know how you're going tina -It sounds as though you're doing pretty darn well. :)

All the best :wave:

[subserviant]

a good frank disscusion with yr dom should be the end of it providing he's a resonable sort /like a marrige some things come ot an end and resonable people can get through it

[SirTimothyk]

your communication with him that a collared relationship is not twice a month should create an understanding. Doms at times will consider twice amonth sufficient for a collared relationship.

if you are satisfied with the relationship as is, then ok. but if you seek something else, tell him. good luck.

[casie1124]

I don't believe I could offer you any better advice than what has already been offered up, so I'm just offering a good luck and hang in there


All the best
Casie

[Mr.FixIt]

I suggest you show him this post. It's is honest, eloquent and to the point. You will make him sad no matter what you do. It's a fact of life. But remember. It's you that's the important one for you. I know a subbie brain doesn't work that way, but you'll just have to be your own master and force yourself to believe it if you want to end this with your sanity intact.

Good luck, and you'll always have friends here.

Right on Tom--I'm impressed!

[fetishdj]

I don't think I have much to add here (unusual for me... I am the lecturing sub :) ) save to say good luck with it. I know how hard LD relationships can be (several of my vanilla relationships have been famously long distance, I seemed to attract them...). Had you not already mentioned that you were in the process of talking it out with him I would have said be careful how you told him you wanted to end it. I have been on the recieving end of a LD dumping when we were both still very much in love and that was done on the phone and it was really bad for me (no idea what it was like for her). Ok, later on we talked properly and sorted things out but the initial conversation was a nightmare. I personally believe that a relationship needs to end in person if it is going to end properly without a feeling of 'lack of closure' and, if it is an amicable split, the chance to hug each other and actually start out as friends again straight away can be beneficial. So, I would have advised that you mentioned you were having problems in chat or on the phone and said that you needed to have a long talk in person but not actually ended things until you were in person.