coming out

[moonlitsub]

So I hear people talking about "coming out" but I ask the question of who do you need to come out to and why. Does a person with an oral fixation need to come out to let everyone know that they like to have lots of oral sex. I don't see why a persons needs to come out about there personal life. I can understand possible some close friends you share your life with but why exactly
come out maybe I just don't understand.

[gemmy]

I have to agree with you moonlitsub, I think it's a private thing as well with no need to put it in anyone's face. It's not because it shames me, but simply because it's very intimate and personal to me.

I would think the only real reason for 'coming out' to a point would be so you could have your relationship open, in public and I don't mean sexually but the small things, like calling your Master, Master and things like that? Or to bring it more in the open to show that these types of relationships are not 'abusive' and 'demeaning' such as many people think they are?

I'm not sure otherwise

[neitsyst2]

I think it's possible that "coming out" makes a statement of equality for some people. That our bdsm life is not categorically different than the lives of so many others. It would possibly allow for acceptance rather than simple acknowledgement.

That being said, I feel that my personal life is very personal. It makes my feelings more powerful to me and I hope, just as meaningful to my other if they are truly private and special. I am grateful though for those that were willing to come before me, as I may not have explored the lifestyle without the writings, etc. that are available to me, because of their public stance.

[Euryleia]

A lot of people think that what they do in the privacy of their bedroom (or dungeon space) is a personal matter, just between them and their partners. However, too often, society at large and our clueless coworkers / vanilla neighbors makes judgments and pass laws that make our activities criminal.

Sometimes things aren't quite so grave and you might just feel the need to come out when there are a misconceptions or misinformation out there (bdsm=abuse, for example). Coming out can be a very empowering thing. It means you don't have to hide your preferences anymore be they for someone of the same gender or for someone to spank your ass.

Many of us, before we found forums like this were alone in our desires. It was only because of the brave ones who came out with munches and leather events that we realized that we were part of a vibrant community. Maybe now, it is time for us to step up and come out for those who are following us.

[gemmy]

Very good points, both of you and I can completely understand 'coming out' for such reasons as to defend or help the community to which we are all grateful for. These sites, reading and resources go a very long way in helping new people understand the lifestyle better, so yes that would be a good reason.

I don't, however, feel that using these boards, posting my thoughts and the like as coming out so much as I would if I had to come out, out here in my every day life - that is not for publication and nor do they want to hear it ;) When people ask, I'm happy to explain some of the simpler concepts but not a whole lot have approached me or would guess such things from this 'innocent looking' face hehe

[fiosreach]

I think there's coming out and coming out. I'm not going to bother telling my parents for instance, because if they had a BDSM relationship I wouldn't want to know and I assume they fell the same about me. All of my vanilla friends know because I can trust them not to be disturbed by it, and some of em have been eagerly asking me for details which I'm happy to give especially when having a wine-fuelled girls' night in. :)

I hang around in gamer circles where it's more unusual to be vanilla than to be kinky, which makes it very safe to hint or joke about things an occasionally to respond to smart-ass questioning with the unadorned truth to shut people up, and I do get a kick out of letting people know. Part of it is the fun of "Hey, is that person...? WIll they know what I'm talking about if say...?" but I also will cheerfully discuss things on public transport and get a similar kick if people eavesdrop and then give me funny looks.

I do wonder about myself though if my eagerness to let people know isn't really just a sort of desire to show off, maybe a sort of minor exhibitionism or possibly just my wanting to loudly proclaim my membership of an interesting subculture/lifestyle to prove that I'm one of the cool kids. I can justify it my saying I want to be out and proud and why should I have to hide it, but frankly if that was the case I'd tell my mother why I've taken to wearing a collar.

[silver9]

Personally, I don't feel there is any need to tell others about your sex life or any other part of your personal life with a partner. I wouldn't tell people about intimate parts of my relationship, BDSM related or not.

However, that's just me in a way.

There are some people who are more sharing or who feel the need to tell people about their lifestyle; and I think it's amazing that they can be so open about themselves.

It's just one of the those things, and I think a lot of it does depend on character, and how open you are to others; it's not a bad thing either way, and it's just a shame that by telling others you're in such a vulnerable state and often so open to insults and aggression.

I think that's the main reason I wouldn't spread around what I was 'into', because a lot of people don't understand anything about it and just assume there's something wrong with you - it's a lot like how things used to be for homosexuals. There's a lack of education about it that's positive or truly accurate, and it makes talking about it often quite dangerous.

[Isabella King]

No way would I come out. I don't want to find myself the subject of a centre spread in The News of the World :eek:

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

i'd have to agree with everyone that has said you don't go around advertising your sex life on a general basis anyway. i don't see the difference with a BDSM relationship. However, i do believe that education is so important for those that label the lifestyle in a negative manner. If i am present and hear someone openly discussing and thrashing a lifestyle that they evidently are very mis-informed on, i will do my best to re-educate and point out that it is only another form of bigotry to *trash* an alternative lifestyle. And i too am grateful for all those that have taken the chance to offer me the oppurtunity to learn from their experiences.

[icey]

i dont think the 'coming out' is so much about people revealing their sex lives,more that they dont have to hide anymore because often it can be very difficult.
its very easy to have agreements for D/s couples in place such as not to use the term Master/Mistress,not always sit at their feet etc and all the little probably unnoticable to us everyday things but its very easy to slip up.
'vanillas' sometimes notice and can get the wrong idea,so sometimes it can be a honesty is the best policy type situation.

and if people are happy and dont want to hide then why should they.
ive learned to my cost that most people dont understand and react badly but then when thats the case apart from making life hell for a while they're simply not who you think they are and not worth the time of day.

[MISTRESS H]

Let us look at it this way, when you joined this forum, you came out, and let everyone know your likes and dislikes, coming out does not mean to blab to all about the preversions and desires of one's own mind. To me it is being honest with yourself, and realizing that being a slave, master/mistress, or whatever is what you want, and not what others want.

[subserviant]

coming out in here is one thing but to do so in real life ,to what purpose i would wonder .the only other person who has any need to know would be my partner and she knows

[Wind_Walker25]

I do not hide. just like my life to be mine. I am who I am it does not matter who does or does not know it.
If one ask me, I will tell them, I got this problem about not telling a lie. and it sucks sometimes, and I mean really sucks!!
but I will never as they say come out, it does not matter what lifestyle I live. my life is mine...personal and in my heart!!

[Sir_Russell]

I don't go around telling everyone who and what I am but then again I don't hide it either. Each time I am asked I respond honestly.

I am proud of who I am and that is the bottom line. Every once in a while I tell someone I think is a fellow traveler or someone that is searching. I think it is a lot like gays some of them came out of the closet and took the crap the nilla world gave them and today most people accept them.