View Full Version : Please Help!
newslave
03-24-2008, 11:47 AM
Hello all!
i am (as my name suggests) a sub new to the lifestyle. i have not had any real life experiences yet, but i do have an online Master who is teaching me about the life. However, i find that i am so overwhelmed with my desires for Him and for the pleasures that i recieve with Him that i can't even concentrate on my life before (University and schoolwork, other friends and my housemates, even sleep and waking hours). i've become addicted, reading literature when he is not available, or watching movies, or just daydreaming, and i am worried for my grades and to some extent my sanity.
Please help me! How do i learn to balance vanilla and BDSM life?
Sir_Russell
03-24-2008, 11:53 AM
newslave,
A fairly common problem with people new to the lifestyle
Talk to you Dom about it and he should command you to go to classes, do the homework and other needed things. I would also suggest that he has you document and report the time spent follow that command.
If he won't do that then break it off.
Red Dragon {mpellegrino}
03-24-2008, 11:56 AM
Listen to Sir Russell!
Wishing you the best in all Dragon
newslave
03-24-2008, 12:12 PM
But how do i stop thinking about it? i sit in front of my computer and try but all i want to do is...well...
i can't concentrate anymore...
Isabella King
03-24-2008, 12:25 PM
Ooh, I so know that feeling, Newslave. I've only recently discovered this site and I'm just assuming that I'll get back to normal once the novelty has worn off...but, for the moment, I'm enjoying the ride :d
jeanne
03-24-2008, 04:13 PM
It's hard to focus when you find your place, isn't it? But, you must. And I'm with Sir_Russell...ask your Dom to make it a task. Something you need to provide proof of.
Yeah, as Russell suggests, it's something your Dom should be taking care of.
If he really cares for you, he'll make sure you still live your life to an acceptable degree- if my girl was neglecting things, I wouldn't be happy.
Ultimately it's up to you to find a balance, newslave- your D/s relationship will suffer otherwise.
MitchC
03-24-2008, 05:08 PM
Sir Russell has an excellent point. I used to have an addiction when I was at uni too, but not the same thing.
When I was at uni, in the late 80s and early 90s, I was addicted to a computer baseball game. During my time home, I would play it for hours a day when not working or doing school work. One semester, my father bought me a computer for college, and I took the game with me. During the hours I had to work or be with friends, I just kept it in the drawer, saying to myself "The game isnt here, it doesnt exist". While I know that a sexual fetish, and great website like this, isnt the same thing as a computer game, trust me, I know both can be addictive. I have to do this myself, with the forum, when I'm working, or out with friends. I just try to compartmentalize it, thinking to myself "Okay, have to work now, or have to be with friends now. BDSM forum doesnt exist, until I get home, and have free time, just have to forget about it for now.". As much as I wonder about the chatroom, or what posts have been made, I just know I can always see it later, after I do my important tasks of life.
I hope what I said helped. Good Luck.
Mitch
sisterhoney61 {RW}
03-24-2008, 05:37 PM
I had the same thing happen to me back when I was new to the lifestyle. I was in a little bit different situation, because I had been in an abusive marriage for 10 years where I was kept isolated from others. When I finally got out of the marriage I had no friends and my family was 5 hours away. I had gone back to college at the age of 35 and threw myself into my schoolwork, which helped save my sanity. I knew I was submissive and that I wanted a BDSM relationship, but I didn't know how to find a Dom locally. Then I discovered the Internet and became addicted to the BDSM chat rooms.
Eventually I found my Dom online and W/we chatted for a year before W/we met IRL. During that year He had to give me commands to go sleep so that I would go to class in the morning (or I would have gladly spent as much time as possible online with Him). He gave me commands to do my schoolwork and write my papers (I was working on an English degree, so there was a TON of reading and writing to do). He gave me commands like that all the time and had me send Him the papers I'd written so that He could make sure that I had done them.
Talk to your Dom about this. Being in a BDSM relationship can be addictive and very overwhelming and especially so when it's an online one, because you can get obsessed about the next time Y/you'll be online together. But any good Dom will make sure that you balance online BDSM life with a real life that's vanilla. Your real life will always be there. Online and the Doms there will not necessarily always be there. And real life comes first and foremost.
cadence
03-24-2008, 05:42 PM
I am in agreement with everyone else's advice as well.
I had a similar problem, not with any addiction to my computer or my newfound submissiveness but with the fact that I had started to neglect certain routines just because life changes, and by the time I realized it, I had pretty well lost all my daily routines and was becoming dangerously lethargic.
I elicited the help of a Dominant to help me get back into a better lifestyle, it took about a month of constant routine and a lot of punishments.
But don't forget it is also up to you to pull yourself out of your rut before you realize that it is too far late and some permanent damage has been done.
Talk to your Dom and ask him to help guide you into a better routine for yourself. And take some time out each day to daydream, use your computer, watch a movie. But limit yourself with that time.
mkemse
03-24-2008, 05:50 PM
I also agree with Sir_Russell
newslave
03-24-2008, 08:18 PM
Thank you all so much for your help...you don't know how valuable this is to me. My Dom has no response, though, except to say that we should have sex. I think that i'm in trouble.
jeanne
03-24-2008, 08:20 PM
Thank you all so much for your help...you don't know how valuable this is to me. My Dom has no response, though, except to say that we should have sex. I think that i'm in trouble.
No, you're not in trouble. He is, because he just showed his true face. A vanilla who wants some kinky fun. If that's not what you want, then follow Sir_Russell's advice and be done with him.
Thank you all so much for your help...you don't know how valuable this is to me. My Dom has no response, though, except to say that we should have sex. I think that i'm in trouble.
If that is his response to your fears....my suggestion, drop him immediately. There are doms out there that not only have the ability to dominate you physcially, but mentally (as opposed to your current from what you've said so far).
University is a tough time...I'm going through it myself, and it's really easy to get addicted to something or someone else that your grade suffers. In the end, finding a good dom IMO takes time, for now, try other ways in satisfying your submissive needs (I think BDSMlibrary Academy does something of that sort), there are munches you can attend once in a while, try a role play. It doesn't match up to the real thing, but it's a start, and you can ease into your level of submissiveness. Take care though, don't fall for any guy that 'appears' to be dom, there are a lot of fakes out there that have the potential to hurt you badly by simply using your submissiveness for easy sex.
My university education is more important to me then anything else at the moment. Everytime I feel that I'm slipping, or something is occupying my mind to a limit it seems like an obsession, I play tennis with my best friend, or jog, socialize, and repeat this mantra that education is my future. It's what has worked for me. Try your hardest to find what searches for you and stick to it, you'll find the person you will truely want to submit forever.
sisterhoney61 {RW}
03-25-2008, 12:25 AM
I agree with jeanne and Lion. This so-called "Dom" is not worth your time or trouble. All he's looking for is some nooky. A Dom who is worth your time is someone who respects you and understands and accepts what is important to you. And right now that is your college education. That should be what is important to both of you. Right now focus on your schoolwork and your vanilla life and take your time finding the right Dom for you.
GearJammer
03-25-2008, 02:21 PM
Russell is absolutely correct, and he has been echoed by many others (including me now). You have taken the first part of his advice, and told your "dom" (supposed) and he has not responded like an actual Dom does.
Now take the second half of Russell's advice, and break it off. A real Dom will find you, trust me, and you will be FAR more ready to fit in your duty at that point.
Sorry to say this newslave, but your so-called Dom doesn't seem to care too much for you.
I don't think you're in trouble, you've just been given a clear message of how he feels. The online community is full of fakers who just want a bit of fun with every new sub that comes along.
Luckily there's a lot of decent folk around as well- thanks for keeping us posted, all the best :wave:
Cool Luke's Hand
03-25-2008, 06:01 PM
Hang on, hang on a second, there's a bigger problem here than just this so-called Dom being a douche. If you've let yourself get into a state where you're thinking "Oh I don't want to go to class because of Him" and such and such, then the problem isn't just that relationship, it's you. I'm going to pause here to allow everybody reading this to seethe with fury and ignore the rest of my post while preparing lovingly crafted insults about my limited sexual prowess.
...
...everybody done? Good.
It is you, and I'm telling you this because I went through the same thing last year. Not with a BDSM relationship, this one was just a vanilla thing, but it got to the point where I missed a full fortnight of lectures and seminars, not going to a single one, because she was on a trip overseas and I missed her too bad (it turned out that she'd been cheating on me the whole time, but I didn't know that until long after). It was only when a couple of friends got involved that I got my head back out of my ass and realised I was just acting like an idiot - I was taking a convenient excuse, pretending I missed her too badly, to slack off and stay in bed for most of that week.
How does this help you? It depends. We can't teach you moderation - not a word we say can fix you if you're determined to think that you're fine the way you are - that's a job for you alone. If you wake up and think to yourself "I could go to the lecture in an hour, or I could stay here and watch movies," you have to actively say "No, I'm going to the lecture". That's in bold because it's important.
sidhewolf
03-26-2008, 03:41 AM
Response Removed
sidhewolf
03-26-2008, 03:55 AM
Thank you all so much for your help...you don't know how valuable this is to me. My Dom has no response, though, except to say that we should have sex. I think that i'm in trouble.
Goodness! Didn't see this one <grimace>.
And I'm not meaning to be harsh or disrespectfull, but seems you have a predator Not a Dom you have been speaking with. And I also hate to start up the Real Dom vs wannabe Topic; but I dunno if this one even qualifies as a wannabe?
You shouldn't be in any "trouble" unless possibly you have given this person Personal information about yourself like address, phone numbers, PICs? If so you may need to safeguard by telling someone you Trust ITF about the situation? You mentioned you have roomates, maybe they or at least one of them Needs to Know if you have given out personally identifying information as mentioned above?
IF this were me (which I Know it isn't) I would write and tell this person to go away and not to contact me anymore.
Be Safe NewSlave!
Respectfully~SidheWolf
jeanne
03-26-2008, 05:14 AM
Hang on, hang on a second, there's a bigger problem here than just this so-called Dom being a douche. If you've let yourself get into a state where you're thinking "Oh I don't want to go to class because of Him" and such and such, then the problem isn't just that relationship, it's you. I'm going to pause here to allow everybody reading this to seethe with fury and ignore the rest of my post while preparing lovingly crafted insults about my limited sexual prowess.
...
...everybody done? Good.
It is you, and I'm telling you this because I went through the same thing last year. Not with a BDSM relationship, this one was just a vanilla thing, but it got to the point where I missed a full fortnight of lectures and seminars, not going to a single one, because she was on a trip overseas and I missed her too bad (it turned out that she'd been cheating on me the whole time, but I didn't know that until long after). It was only when a couple of friends got involved that I got my head back out of my ass and realised I was just acting like an idiot - I was taking a convenient excuse, pretending I missed her too badly, to slack off and stay in bed for most of that week.
How does this help you? It depends. We can't teach you moderation - not a word we say can fix you if you're determined to think that you're fine the way you are - that's a job for you alone. If you wake up and think to yourself "I could go to the lecture in an hour, or I could stay here and watch movies," you have to actively say "No, I'm going to the lecture". That's in bold because it's important.
Good point. I know I'm guilty of having lost sight of the original problem.
It's simply a matter of self-discipline and realizing that if you're to get certain things from life you have to give certain things. Time invested in school = a job and salary. I know when I was in college in my 30s I stayed self-motivated by reminding myself that I never wanted to be dependent on another person for food on the table again. That desire kept my nose to the grindstone.
Sir_Russell
03-26-2008, 06:10 AM
I don't doubt that she has a problem a bit of an addicted. I still stand by what I say if her 'dom' allows this then she needs to break that off and take hold of her own life again.
As long as she continues to think he is in control and he is unwilling to see to it that she does that which is right for her then she is lost. He sounds like a very selfish uncaring person who is only really there for sex.
GearJammer
03-26-2008, 12:00 PM
Again, I have to agree with Sir Russell, in essence. Cool Luke's Hand makes a good point, but it needs to occur in due course, AFTER the two points of Sir Russell's original post are accomplished. Cool Luke's point is no less important than Sir Russell's points, but it must follow the accomplishment of the original two points. The hourse cannot run, whether in the right direction or not, until he is untied.
TongueJoy
03-26-2008, 10:37 PM
Hello all!
i am (as my name suggests) a sub new to the lifestyle. i have not had any real life experiences yet, but i do have an online Master who is teaching me about the life. However, i find that i am so overwhelmed with my desires for Him and for the pleasures that i recieve with Him that i can't even concentrate on my life before (University and schoolwork, other friends and my housemates, even sleep and waking hours). i've become addicted, reading literature when he is not available, or watching movies, or just daydreaming, and i am worried for my grades and to some extent my sanity.
Please help me! How do i learn to balance vanilla and BDSM life?
Education is so important. Think about how young you are and that you have many years to explore and experience what desires are within. Balance is so important. You can achieve your goals at school as well as experiment with your innermost feelings. Think about taking one step at a time. Play when the studying is done; daydream when the reading is finished; read exotic fantasies when the tests are complete. Explore, but only when done with those things you need to finish - as you will find much more pleasure when all other things are done.
Explore the most darkest and deepest feelings - one step at a time, for whatever that step is.
Ozme52
03-27-2008, 02:38 PM
Let's take a step back... take a deep breath... and remember that when you first entered puberty, sex of any kind probably dominated your thoughts too.
This preoccupation will fade and you will find a nice balance point.
Perhaps... a session with your dom will take that edge off... but if I were him... I would make you earn it first... with a spot on good grade or some equivalent result that forced you to focus your energies and find some of that balance within yourself.
That said, do make sure of you dom's intent and intentions. If you feel overwhelmed now... you will undoubtedly experience the worst of the other end of the pendulum if after all is said and done, you end up used or abused and abandoned by someone only interested in their own pleasure.
'New to the lifestyle' subs can all too easily fall for the first dom to come along... and they may seclude themselves and may never return when they find out they were deceived.
What is it that this dom does that thrills you so? I suggest writing yourself a small essay... and write it out. See if you can describe it without mentioning "him" once. So you can see what it is about yourself that you seek and need... and then... you can look and see if that is actually what you get from him... and not just your presumption that that is what he is offering to you.
newslave
03-28-2008, 08:47 AM
Thank you all so very much...you're responses are invaluable to me and i am working on my own discipline...my own addictions. I cannot express how much this thread has helped me, though. Thanks to all!
funtime37
03-28-2008, 10:34 AM
speaking for most people here - you are welcome.
Silus
04-01-2008, 12:35 AM
But I think the question we are all waiting to have answered is, did you break it off with this wanna be? He is obviously more interested in getting his knob polished instead of whats important in your life. Don't end up being another doormat
newslave
04-01-2008, 07:44 AM
But I think the question we are all waiting to have answered is, did you break it off with this wanna be? He is obviously more interested in getting his knob polished instead of whats important in your life. Don't end up being another doormat
Yes, I certainly did break it off with that guy and will be a lot more cautious in the future.
Probably the first time I've had enough [balls?] to do such a thing.
good for you :) its not an easy thing to do but you've done it....concentrate on your studies,you've plenty of time for the fun stuff.
and good luck there's plenty of good Doms out there,dont let that guy put you off.
btw there's nothing wrong with a good book or a movie or two ..it helps you unwind ;) just keep it in moderation.
gemmy
04-01-2008, 08:20 AM
good on you hun! it was the right thing to do and I'm sure you feel that - it will also give you the strength now not to settle for anything less ;)
Good luck & stay safe
Yes, I certainly did break it off with that guy and will be a lot more cautious in the future.
Probably the first time I've had enough [balls?] to do such a thing.
Congratulations :wave:
Sir_Russell
04-01-2008, 06:00 PM
very good
Yes, I certainly did break it off with that guy and will be a lot more cautious in the future.
Probably the first time I've had enough [balls?] to do such a thing.
You go, girl! You've learnt something that too many lifestyle subs never seem to learn: the difference between a slave and a doormat.
One day you will be owned as you deserve, but you have the strength to own yourself till you find someone good enough to take you. Your Master (when he finally comes along) will be one lucky man.