Patience...

[neitsyst2]

As I was in chat tonight I heard something that interested me and I hope that more people will be able to shed some light on the subject. As a submissive I frequently hear "use patience, have patience" as a dominant is talking to their sub. and I am aware that patience is an expected characteristic.

Someone suggested to me that patience can actively be taught by the dominant with work. That if/when s/he has the patience to properly work with the submissive, patience can be improved upon in a distinct way.

Is it part of your practice to improve upon this quality with your submissive? If so, are you willing to share a way in which you do so?

Thank you so much for your insights. I've learned much from each question I have asked or read over.
Nei

[_ID_]

I haven't used the phrase that much, but I have tried to teach patience. Usually by having the submissive look back on progress that's been made, and see how long it's taken to make that progress.

[Isabella King]

For me, patience is the lesser of two evils that arise from a punishment such as having my hands cuffed behind my back for any length of time. It might be fun during sex, but enduring a whole day (or more) in such a compromising position, evokes, first frustration, and then, either rage or you can choose patience. Because finding the patience to get through such a task makes it easier to tolerate than fighting against it.

Patience is a form of meditation.

[TomOfSweden]

patience is only good, if the situation requires it. Having patience when not, I'd say is damaging. It's all relative. But I think it's safe to say that few people have problems with being too patient.

[lily27]

Yeah, I have none. Master uses it to his advantage and tortures me with it... like by telling me he has a suprise for me on the weekend or something. He actually enjoys days of "tellmetellmetellmetellme!!!" and loves to tease.

I get what Tom is saying as well. I think a lot of people (and it really seems to be a female trait) patiently wait for something that is never going to happen. Their vanilla partner to become a Dom, an asshole to become a good person, a broken relationship to heal itself, etc. You can waste an awful lot of your life doing that.

[Ozme52]

Well, it's all about context.

I'll tell you where the context is wrong though... and all too often this is what I see people talking about... the submissive having "patience" and "waiting" for the dominant to make his/her appearance... but that seems to be an excuse for the dominant actually saying "I'm not in the mood right now" or "I'm really more interested in playing with someone else right now." That kind of patience training is B.S.

On the other hand, I'm very much enjoying teaching my sub patience... making her wait on her orgasms and not allowing her to beg or ask for them in the meantime. And we're not talking about a tortuous online CR task here... I mean, eye to eye, face to face, my hands on her body, coaxing the orgasm out of her while she resists and wait for my permission.

Yeah, I used to like to hear her beg... but one day I realized, she had become so orgasmic she always started asking before I was finished playing with her... so now I make her wait... and I love knowing/seeing her eyes on me... waiting for me to nod or whisper 'cum'... to let her have her release...

And (imo) her orgasms are even better now... she cums harder both in person and on-the-phone or online... because of course I tease her higher and higher and make her cum harder and harder for me.

The words... "squeeze... squeeze... squeeze... cum" have created some spectacular results for me. But then... I do have 'The Voice' at my command too.

[GearJammer]

Like many other characteristics, patience is a tool. As Tom pointed out, sometimes it is a good tool to use, and sometimes it is a bad tool to use.

However, it cannot EVER be used until it is gained, and gaining it is what the training is about. Once gained (although it is "fluid" like muscle mass, and must be kept in shape), it can then be selected for use or not, as the context (per Oz and Tom both) and situation require.

[neitsyst2]

Thank You all so much for your comments! They are insightful, however I think maybe I haven't stated my question clearly.

I am most interested to know how and if You actively teach patience to your submissives...and if you feel that it is effective.

[LordGrizzly]

sensory dep, is good way to teach patience, and it can take many forms, from standing in a corner alone to cages, hoods or simply a dark closet. (yes I realize there are many more ways) Chastity belts are also good tools. I feel that at least some of these methods work for nealry every submissive.

[Myst]

I'll just add a quick comment here to build on what LG has already started. Another way I choose to assist my sub in honing her patience would be to have her go sit and meditate until I say otherwise. Here the length of meditation time is unknown, so it requires her to just relax and allow me to control her. The meditation ends when I say it does, a fact that allows her to learn patience, and obedience. She has to surrender her own will to me, and relinquish control. It can be very effective, as long as it's taken seriously by the sub.

[Tojo]

It can be a recipe for disaster saying 'this is how to do so & so to a sub'

Everyone is different, as is every situation- however minute the difference may be.

I find patience is often lacking in new subs. It seems to work just asking them to stop & wait- the worst thing you can do is let them rush you.

To me, the essence of D/s is KISS (keep it simple stupid) if she does something wrong I just point it out & address it in some way. Not the same way every time either- why be predictable?

Edit: actually Mysterious Fun says it quite well- that's similar to one of my tecniques.

[orangeblossoms]

All I know is what I hear from my owner all the time "All you submissive gals have no patience" and its true, no patience, just quite the nymphomaniac lways wanting to be doing something. But eventually you get adjusted to how your guy does things, mine likes the slow and steady approach and I could strangle him for it sometimes, but I have come to appreciate it because it we did things my way we could always be way in over our heads...

[H Dean]

What do you mean "we"? I think it is you who would be in over your head.

[TomOfSweden]

Thank You all so much for your comments! They are insightful, however I think maybe I haven't stated my question clearly.

I am most interested to know how and if You actively teach patience to your submissives...and if you feel that it is effective.

Yes, I do. But it's only by existing. I really don't need to make any extra effort. Just putting up with my massive inflated ego, would be the ultimate training for any sub.

[Myst]

It can be a recipe for disaster saying 'this is how to do so & so to a sub'

Everyone is different, as is every situation- however minute the difference may be.

I must agree, and would temper my example with the warning that of course not every technique works with every sub. As with pretty much all things in this lifestyle, there is no one size fits all, and so everyone figures out for themselves what works best. However, that being said, since it seemed the aim of neitsyst2's question was to see if Dom/mes taught patience, and if they did, how, I felt an example was prudent. I doubt anyone would be foolish enough to say "this is how it should be done regarding [insert subject here]".


Edit: actually Mysterious Fun says it quite well- that's similar to one of my tecniques.
:) :d :)

*waits to see how others deal with patience*

[neitsyst2]

and a good Dom who can teach you this patience will have the reward of sub space

Pro Dom...this is very eloquently stated. The whole post was well written, but thinking of sub space as a dominant reward when it is SUCH a reward for us as well gives me a moment of pause and a few shivers. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

[Thrasher]

It can't be taught, but.
In a word?
"focus"

[denuseri]

focus can be taught, at least my owner has taught me to focus through a variety of methods,, as well as patience, of couse every Dom and sub is different its like fitting two seperate puzzeles together into one beautiful painting