Euryleia's 4th Level Three Assignment

[Euryleia]

A small family group stood in the grand entryway of the resort hotel. The soaring, gilded arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow. Maybe it was their beauty and radiant health but they stood out from the crowd of tourists in the lobby.

Frowning, the oldest woman asked, “Where are we?” Clutching the handle of her large purse in both hands, Sofia’s head turned constantly, trying to look everywhere at once.

“It’s called the Venetian,” her husband answered, rubbing his large hands together in glee. “It has all the comforts of home. You’ll love it.”

“Are you sure that this is the right place?”

“It couldn’t be more perfect.” Gus was supremely confident. Opening his arms wide, he exclaimed, “Have I ever steered you wrong?”

All three of the women rolled their eyes before turning back to gawk at the casinos, restaurants and shops that surrounded them. There was nothing restrained about the elegance of the accommodations.

The youngest member of the group smoothed her hands down body, tightening her dress along her curves. In a breathy voice she asked, “And you’re sure we’ll find him here?”

A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and took a header over a pile of luggage. When she smiled at the flurry of activity around her, a further six people wound up sprawled on the marble floor.

Gus chuckled at the typical reaction to taking his granddaughter out in public. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’ll find what you need in the bar.”

“How can we tell who is the one we want?” Brenda put her hands on her hips and glared at her father.

“You’ll know.”

Brenda sputtered, “But…but…”

“You’ll be fine.” Gus kissed Sofia on the lips, Brenda on the cheek and Mindy on the forehead. “Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be at the high limit tables.” Striding away, he was soon lost among the crowd.

Looking at one another, the three women shrugged and walked through the opaque glass doors into the V Lounge. Shown to a table far from the bar, they sat down on the pale leather seats. After placing their drink orders, they began to intently study the other patrons.

****

“Here you go, pal.”

Harris turned from reading the crawl of basketball scores off the single television in the upscale lounge. He glanced at the glass of scotch that the bartender was sliding toward him. “I didn’t order that.”

“No, the ladies over there did.”

Swiveling on his stool, Harris looked across the room. It was late and there were only a few seats occupied. There was a beam from the overhead light fixture in his eyes and he had to blink a few times before he could make out the table of women. He smiled automatically and raised his glass.

Taking a sip, he started to rotate back toward the silent television. He was a happily married man and did not need any sort of trouble.

When the smoky liquid hit his tongue, though, he paused. Sipping again, he would almost swear he tasted the sea amidst the peat.

“What is this?” he asked the bartender. “This isn’t what I was drinking.”

The bartender grinned at him. “No, pal, they requested that one specifically.”

“I’ve never tasted anything like it.”

“That’s the Isle of Islay on your tongue. Laphroaig is a thirty-year-old single malt. There are many who say it’s the finest of its kind.”

“It’s amazing.” Cupping both hands around the glass, Harris let it warm a moment before taking another mouthful. Rolling it around his tongue, he swallowed with a sigh of pleasure. “I guess I’ll have to go over there and thank them.”

“For a fifty dollar glass of booze, I think that’s the least you can do.” Waggling his eyebrows, the bartender laughed. “Don’t look like you’re walking the plank! Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Ignoring the insinuation, Harris ordered a round of what the women were drinking. Feeling a bit hot under the collar, he strode across the deep carpet to the trio.

“Good evening. The drink you sent over was lovely.”

“It was our pleasure,” answered Sofia. The light from the hooded lamp on the table softened the laugh lines on her face. “Won’t you join us?”

“Um, I don’t think so.” He stepped aside so the waitress could deliver the drinks. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

“Please.”

Harris turned his head to the Mindy's plea. The dark haired beauty, wearing her sexuality like a second skin, captured his complete attention. On automatic pilot, he pulled out the empty chair and sank down with a smile on his face.

When Brenda coughed censoriously, Mindy turned and stuck out her tongue.

Blinking, Harris flushed in embarrassment. “I apologize for staring.”

“I don’t mind.”

“She seeks out such attention. Everyone seems to fall at her feet.” Brenda shook her head. “Don’t think a thing about it.”

The older woman cleared her throat. “I thank you for joining us. My name is Sofia. This is my daughter, Brenda, and my granddaughter, Mindy.”

“I’m pleased to meet you all. My name is Harris.”

“Are you in town for business or pleasure?” Brenda asked. She was close to Harris’ age with streaks of gray in her auburn hair. Her voice was a throaty growl that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

“A mix of both.”

“Are you here alone?”

“Yes, my wife is at home.”

“She was unable to join you.” Sofia made the question a statement.

“She’s a doctor and couldn’t leave her practice.” He smiled. “When we go on vacation, it will be where both of us can enjoy ourselves.”

“It must be difficult with two professionals in the house.”

“It works for us.” He glanced around the table. “Not that I’m complaining but do you three normally pick up strange men in bars?”

Sofia laughed. “Not at all. You are our first.”

“I’m flattered.” Wiping his palms on the worsted wool of his trousers, Harris tried to figure out a way to nicely turn down any offer.

“Well, you see, we have a small problem that we are hoping you can help us with.”

“Me? Why me?”

“You corrected that young man behind the bar when he made an error in your favor.”

Thinking back, Harris remembered being handed too much change. He had not thought twice about returning the overage. Shrugging, he said, “So, what?”

“We need someone who is fair to make a decision for us.”

“What sort of decision?”

“A friend of the family…” Sofia was interrupted by a snort from Brenda. Narrowing her eyes, she glared at her daughter. “Excuse me?”

“She’s no-one’s friend and is only allowed around because she’s related.”

“No relation of mine.”

“Daddy’s side, then. We didn’t invite her for a reason.”

Harris looked back and forth at the two arguing women. Interrupting before things got too heated, he asked, “Um, what does this have to do with me?”

Patting his hand, Sofia smiled. “So very sorry. It is just that this whole situation has upset us all.”

“No problem.”

“You see, she gave a very generous gift and we need someone to tell which of the three of us will get it.” Sofia waved at the intricately carved box that was sitting equidistant from the three women. “The box contains something we each want but are unable to agree who deserves it most.”

“What is it?”

“It is a solid gold statue. You’ll understand if I don’t open the box here in public.”

“Of course. So, where do I come in?”

“We’ve decided you are the one who will solve our dilemma.”

“Exactly,” interjected Brenda. “You just give it to one of us and everyone will be happy.”

Scratching at the stubble on his neck, Harris asked, “Not to put too fine a point on it but what’s in it for me?”

“Whoever you give the present to will give you a gift in return.”

He perked up. “Oh? What sort of gift?”

“It will be something different from each of us. Are you willing to participate?”

The three women were gazing at him hungrily. Flattered that they would think so highly of his opinion, Harris agreed without delay. “Sure. Sounds like fun.” He looked around. “Who will go first?”

“We go by age,” Sofia answered definitively. Her sharp gaze toward the other two quelled their dissent. “I’ll begin.”

Leaning close, she lowered her voice and made him a promise. If he awarded her the statue, she would grant him all the knowledge in the world. His wisdom would be equal to hers.

As she spoke, Harris could feel his mind opening to absorb all sorts of information. His heart pounding at the thought of having all of the secrets of the world opened up to him. Teased with tantalizing clues about the Grand Unifying Theory and the JFK assignation, total enlightenment was within his grasp.

When she fell silent, a single bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. He was about ready to agree to her proposal when Brenda crossed her long, shapely legs. The movement broke the spell Sofia had woven around him.

While everything she said sounded wonderful to Harris, he had earned this trip to Las Vegas at company expense because he was a very good capitalist. “That is very tempting, Sofia. But to be fair, I should hear all of the offers before making my decision,” he said.

Frostily, Sofia bowed her head. “As you wish.”

“Excellent.” Brenda sat forward and began to speak about the glory that could be his. She promised him success in all interactions and in every endeavor he choose. In business, he would be given the tools for consistently proposing a brilliant strategy or the perfect solution.

Always a driven man, his ambition was fired by the glory that could be his if he gave her the gift. From President of his company to President of the United States, his mind embraced the power she offered.

When Brenda stopped talking, Harris shook his head to clear it. He focused on the remaining woman. Mindy’s large, luminous eyes immediately enraptured him.

Tilting her head so that her hair fell forward, she looked up coyly and blushed. Wiggling her shoulders, her skin tight dress shifted and gave Harris a tantalizing glimpse of her breasts.

“Mr. Harris,” she said. “Give me the prize in the box. In return, I will give you the gift of love. You will possess the most beautiful woman in the entire world, a woman equal to me in perfection. With her you will reach the greatest heights of lovemaking. Choose me and she will be yours.”

Her voice seemed to sing inside his head as visions of ecstasy danced in his mind. Harris did not even pause to reflect on his decision.

Overpowered by the intoxication of her words and her beauty, he pushed the box toward Mindy.

“Oh, goody,” Mindy exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “Isn’t that wonderful? Love wins again.”

Neither Brenda nor Sofia responded to her happiness. They just scowled at the businessman. In the space of a minute, they both thought of several horrible ways to get their revenge. As they plotted, they shared a crocodile smile.

“So nice for you,” murmured Sofia.

“Indeed, my dear,” Brenda echoed. “Congratulations.”

Guided only by the strength of his desire, Harris eagerly demanded, “Where is she?”

“She’s over in the nightclub working as a hostess. Her name is Helen." Fluttering her eyes, she said, "There might be a couple of teeny, tiny snags in sneaking her away but I’m sure the two of you are going to get along just fine.” Mindy got up and held out her hand. “Shall we go?”

Never looking back, Harris left the bar to follow his fate. While he would have the love she promised, he was unaware of the price to be paid for that single impulsive decision.

©Euryleia 2008

[H Dean]

Interesting read. There were a couple of things I might change, the most glaring of which is "took a header". There was also one spot where, believe it or not, I would have added an "and". The last comment, for now, is that I would have liked to have a more ominous ending. Otherwise, I was rather fond of this tale.

I will probably read this again in the next day or two so I can offer a proper blow to your ego. Though, truth be told, at first glance I really can't see where my destruction would begin. Such a disappointment!

[Mad Lews]

A small family group stood in the grand entryway of the resort hotel. The soaring, gilded arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow. Maybe it was their beauty and radiant health but they stood out from the crowd of tourists in the lobby.


It's an OK start but it needs that hook, a bit of mystery and suspense from the first words. ‘Nobody saw them enter, they just appeared’ try and engage other senses as well they appear with a loud pop, a smell of gardenias whatever then brush back the disbelief you engender with 'but the security cameras picked up nothing unusual…. work it your own way but add a little snap up front.




A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and took a header over a pile of luggage. When she smiled at the flurry of activity around her, a further six people wound up sprawled on the marble floor.

Gus chuckled at the typical reaction to taking his granddaughter out in public. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’ll find what you need in the bar.”


with a nod to the Mean Dean
The distracted butler went sprawling over the pile of luggage.

a further six people wound up sprawled on the marble floor.are we doing a divine slap stick here or a myth? a bit of both? Ok remember understatement. give us one more well described example. A wife slams into back of her hubby who abruptly stopped to gawk. that communicates more than six vaguely sprawling bodies, and it's more to the point.




“You’ll be fine.” Gus kissed Sofia on the lips, Brenda on the cheek and Mindy on the forehead. “Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be at the high limit tables.” Striding away, he was soon lost among the crowd.


Love the reverse symbolism extra gold stars (redeemable at the level four redemption center no doubt)





Taking a sip, he started to rotate back toward the silent television. He was a happily married man and did not need any sort of trouble.

When the smoky liquid hit his tongue, though, he paused. Sipping again, he would almost swear he tasted the sea amidst the peat.

“What is this?” he asked the bartender. “This isn’t what I was drinking.”

The bartender grinned at him. “No, pal, they requested that one specifically.”

“I’ve never tasted anything like it.”

“That’s the Isle of Islay on your tongue. Laphroaig is a thirty-year-old single malt. There are many who say it’s the finest of its kind.”


You know my feelings on scotch and whiskey, the three uses rule. This is a deliberate affront!
Still I'm a generous kinda guy, so I'll allow for artistic license this once.




When Brenda coughed censoriously, Mindy turned and stuck out her tongue.

It's a fine old word, but it will make at least half your readers pause to puzzle out its meaning. there is no need to do that 'disapprovingly' would work as well and convey the idea.





“You see, she gave a very generous gift and we need someone to tell which of the three of us will get it.” Sofia waved at the intricately carved box that was sitting equidistant from the three women. “The box contains something we each want but are unable to agree who deserves it most.”

“What is it?”

“It is a solid gold statue. You’ll understand if I don’t open the box here in public.”


OK at this point you’re setting up the apparent contest, you need to elaborate on the prize, give it a deeper or at least second meaning. You’ll need to let him peek, then use your descriptive skills to make it something beyond merely precious something divinely beautiful. or better yet give it some other, deeper value but it has to be obvious to him. Maybe just a wee hint that its really the judge that's being tested.



From there the story proceeds apace. It's well told and held my interest. His choice is a little predictable, but hey, he's a guy what more should we expect. It all worked so well right up to the very end.

The ending is incomplete, as you probably know. You hint and tease but that’s not nearly good enough. Yes you might feel you’d need a story twice as long to do the ending real justice but that’s just not so.
You have set the man up, given him the three temptations and he choose his poison. Goddesses are never very gentle with there human pawns. Now spring the traps, one two three. Yes there ought to be three or if you’re very clever a single trap that encompasses all three. I suspect you could do it with a bit of thought and a few more paragraphs. Again remember understatement, but without sacrificing clarity and meaning.

You're under no time pressure here, you've done remarkably well and done it quite quickly.
Now take your time polish it up a bit and give it a proper ending.

hope you don't mind I threw a copyright notice on the end.

With our appreciation

Mad Lews




“

[Euryleia]

Thanks, Dean and Mad Lews. I appreciate the read over and the suggestions.

Okay, so you caught me cheating a little. My mind boggled at coming up with a modern equivalent to a gold apple with 'Kallisti' inscribed on it. I also tried to keep the story under 3K words, so I figured I could get away with not rewriting the entire Trojan War.

With understatement as my watchword, I'll see what I can do to spring the trap.

ER

ps. What in the world do you mean by the three uses rule?

[Mad Lews]

ps. What in the world do you mean by the three uses rule?

There are three legitimate uses for scotch,
antibiotic,
anesthetic,
and to degrease engines. ;)

[H Dean]

Degrease engines is also synonymous with "remove paint".

[Mad Lews]

Degrease engines is also synonymous with "remove paint".

Not to put too fine a point on it but most scotch works much better as a degreaser than a paint stripper. Corn whiskey on the other hand...

[H Dean]

Time for some fun.



A small family group stood in the grand entryway of the resort hotel. The soaring, gilded arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow. Maybe it was their beauty and radiant health but they stood out from the crowd of tourists in the lobby.

Frowning, the oldest woman asked, “Where are we?” Clutching the handle of her large purse in both hands, Sofia’s head turned constantly, trying to look everywhere at once.I was not quite sure why her head would clutch the purse or try to look everywhere at once. Maybe she was a terrier with no hands?


“It’s called the Venetian,” her husband answered, rubbing his large hands together in glee. “It has all the comforts of home. You’ll love it.”

“Are you sure that this is the right place?”

“It couldn’t be more perfect.” Gus was supremely confident. Opening his arms wide, he exclaimed, “Have I ever steered you wrong?”

All three of the women rolled their eyes before turning back to gawk at the casinos, restaurants and shops that surrounded them. There was nothing restrained about the elegance of the accommodations.This was a bit too understated.


The youngest member of the group smoothed her hands down body, tightening her dress along her curves. In a breathy voice she asked, “And you’re sure we’ll find him here?”

A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and took a header over a pile of luggage. When she smiled at the flurry of activity around her, a further six people wound up sprawled on the marble floor.Just cause I don't like dead horses - "took a header"? - really?


Gus chuckled at the typical reaction to taking his granddaughter out in public. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’ll find what you need in the bar.”

“How can we tell who is the one we want?” Brenda put her hands on her hips and glared at her father."how can we tell who is the one we want?" is a rather odd phrasing.


“You’ll know.”

Brenda sputtered, “But…but…”

“You’ll be fine.” Gus kissed Sofia on the lips, Brenda on the cheek and Mindy on the forehead. “Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be at the high limit tables.” Striding away, he was soon lost among the crowd.Shouldn't it be "amongst"? I dunno, I could be wrong about this one.


Looking at one another, the three women shrugged and walked through the opaque glass doors into the V Lounge. Shown to a table far from the bar, they sat down on the pale leather seats. After placing their drink orders, they began to intently study the other patrons.How about "intently studying" or "began their search"?


****

“Here you go, pal.”

Harris turned from reading the crawl of basketball scores off the single television in the upscale lounge. He glanced at the glass of scotch that the bartender was sliding toward him. “I didn’t order that.”

“No, the ladies over there did.”

Swiveling on his stool, Harris looked across the room. It was late and there were only a few seats occupied. There was a beam from the overhead light fixture in his eyes and he had to blink a few times before he could make out the table of women. He smiled automatically and raised his glass.How about some more colorful phrasing here? Maybe the room was sparsely populated or nearly devoid of customers. It just seems that "a few seats occupied" lacks flow.

The part in red here, well, it's a bit wordy. It's also too passive. I am not going to tell you how to fix it. There are several ways. But you should be more compact and more impacting. You can present this far better.


Taking a sip, he started to rotate back toward the silent television. He was a happily married man and did not need any sort of trouble.

When the smoky liquid hit his tongue, though, he paused. Sipping again, he would almost swear he tasted the sea amidst the peat.

“What is this?” he asked the bartender. “This isn’t what I was drinking.”

The bartender grinned at him. “No, pal, they requested that one specifically.”

“I’ve never tasted anything like it.”

“That’s the Isle of Islay on your tongue. Laphroaig is a thirty-year-old single malt. There are many who say it’s the finest of its kind.”

“It’s amazing.” Cupping both hands around the glass, Harris let it warm a moment before taking another mouthful. Rolling it around his tongue, he swallowed with a sigh of pleasure. “I guess I’ll have to go over there and thank them.”

“For a fifty dollar glass of booze, I think that’s the least you can do.” Waggling his eyebrows, the bartender laughed. “Don’t look like you’re walking the plank! Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”Cute. Rather amusing, really. I kind of liked this.


Ignoring the insinuation, Harris ordered a round of what the women were drinking. Feeling a bit hot under the collar, he strode across the deep carpet to the trio.[QUOTE]This is where an "and" might have been effective. Between the "...drinking. Feeling...". Yeah, you would need to throw in a comma, too. Still, despite my abuse of your conjunction use, I think it would help.

[QUOTE]“Good evening. The drink you sent over was lovely.”

“It was our pleasure,” answered Sofia. The light from the hooded lamp on the table softened the laugh lines on her face. “Won’t you join us?”

“Um, I don’t think so.” He stepped aside so the waitress could deliver the drinks. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

“Please.”

Harris turned his head to the Mindy's plea. The dark haired beauty, wearing her sexuality like a second skin, captured his complete attention. On automatic pilot, he pulled out the empty chair and sank down with a smile on his face.Damned sexy chicks!


When Brenda coughed censoriously, Mindy turned and stuck out her tongue.I liked the word, but Mad is right.


Blinking, Harris flushed in embarrassment. “I apologize for staring.”

“I don’t mind.”

“She seeks out such attention. Everyone seems to fall at her feet.” Brenda shook her head. “Don’t think a thing about it.”

The older woman cleared her throat. “I thank you for joining us. My name is Sofia. This is my daughter, Brenda, and my granddaughter, Mindy.”

“I’m pleased to meet you all. My name is Harris.”

“Are you in town for business or pleasure?” Brenda asked. She was close to Harris’ age with streaks of gray in her auburn hair. Her voice was a throaty growl that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

“A mix of both.”

“Are you here alone?”

“Yes, my wife is at home.”

“She was unable to join you.” Sofia made the question a statement.

“She’s a doctor and couldn’t leave her practice.” He smiled. “When we go on vacation, it will be where both of us can enjoy ourselves.”

“It must be difficult with two professionals in the house.”

“It works for us.” He glanced around the table. “Not that I’m complaining but do you three normally pick up strange men in bars?”There should be a bit of nervousness on Harris' part that isn't really brought to bear. it would definitely liven this up a bit - make it more entertaining.


Sofia laughed. “Not at all. You are our first.”

“I’m flattered.” Wiping his palms on the worsted wool of his trousers, Harris tried to figure out a way to nicely turn down any offer.This sort of presented that discomfort, but it should have been brought forth a bit sooner.


“Well, you see, we have a small problem that we are hoping you can help us with.”

“Me? Why me?”

“You corrected that young man behind the bar when he made an error in your favor.”

Thinking back, Harris remembered being handed too much change. He had not thought twice about returning the overage. Shrugging, he said, “So, what?”

“We need someone who is fair to make a decision for us.”

“What sort of decision?”

“A friend of the family…” Sofia was interrupted by a snort from Brenda. Narrowing her eyes, she glared at her daughter. “Excuse me?”

“She’s no-one’s friend and is only allowed around because she’s related.”

“No relation of mine.”

“Daddy’s side, then. We didn’t invite her for a reason.”

Harris looked back and forth at the two arguing women. Interrupting before things got too heated, he asked, “Um, what does this have to do with me?”

Patting his hand, Sofia smiled. “So very sorry. It is just that this whole situation has upset us all.”

“No problem.”

“You see, she gave a very generous gift and we need someone to tell which of the three of us will get it.” Sofia waved at the intricately carved box that was sitting equidistant from the three women. “The box contains something we each want but are unable to agree who deserves it most.”

“What is it?”

“It is a solid gold statue. You’ll understand if I don’t open the box here in public.”

“Of course. So, where do I come in?”

“We’ve decided you are the one who will solve our dilemma.”

“Exactly,” interjected Brenda. “You just give it to one of us and everyone will be happy.”

Scratching at the stubble on his neck, Harris asked, “Not to put too fine a point on it but what’s in it for me?”they picked this guy because of his integrity - or so it seemed. Suddenly, someone with integrity is looking to get something for a simple decision. It seems out of character - it seems that the girls picked the wrong guy, suddenly.


“Whoever you give the present to will give you a gift in return.”

He perked up. “Oh? What sort of gift?”

“It will be something different from each of us. Are you willing to participate?”

The three women were gazing at him hungrily. Flattered that they would think so highly of his opinion, Harris agreed without delay. “Sure. Sounds like fun.” He looked around. “Who will go first?”

“We go by age,” Sofia answered definitively. Her sharp gaze toward the other two quelled their dissent. “I’ll begin.”

Leaning close, she lowered her voice and made him a promise. If he awarded her the statue, she would grant him all the knowledge in the world. His wisdom would be equal to hers.

As she spoke, Harris could feel his mind opening to absorb all sorts of information. His heart pounding at the thought of having all of the secrets of the world opened up to him. Teased with tantalizing clues about the Grand Unifying Theory and the JFK assignation, total enlightenment was within his grasp.This could have been more impacting. I imagined a rather dreamy and sudden realization of what she could do - that it could, in fact, be done and that it wasn't bullshit. Maybe a moment, when she tells him her gift, where he doubts. Then a burst of knowledge that shows him - those images flashing in his head.


When she fell silent, a single bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. He was about ready to agree to her proposal when Brenda crossed her long, shapely legs. The movement broke the spell Sofia had woven around him.Where was the shock? He should have been more than sweating. He should have been dazed - amazed - confused. Impact is needed here especially.


While everything she said sounded wonderful to Harris, he had earned this trip to Las Vegas at company expense because he was a very good capitalist. “That is very tempting, Sofia. But to be fair, I should hear all of the offers before making my decision,” he said.A recovery from his moment would have been nice. The clearing of his throat, the straightening of his trousers. Yeah, I used the word "trousers".


Frostily, Sofia bowed her head. “As you wish.”

“Excellent.” Brenda sat forward and began to speak about the glory that could be his. She promised him success in all interactions and in every endeavor he choose. In business, he would be given the tools for consistently proposing a brilliant strategy or the perfect solution.

Always a driven man, his ambition was fired by the glory that could be his if he gave her the gift. From President of his company to President of the United States, his mind embraced the power she offered.

When Brenda stopped talking, Harris shook his head to clear it. He focused on the remaining woman. Mindy’s large, luminous eyes immediately enraptured him.You got the recovery but there was not no power to his state - his understanding that this wasn't bullshit. See above comments.


Tilting her head so that her hair fell forward, she looked up coyly and blushed. Wiggling her shoulders, her skin tight dress shifted and gave Harris a tantalizing glimpse of her breasts.

“Mr. Harris,” she said. “Give me the prize in the box. In return, I will give you the gift of love. You will possess the most beautiful woman in the entire world, a woman equal to me in perfection. With her you will reach the greatest heights of lovemaking. Choose me and she will be yours.”

Her voice seemed to sing inside his head as visions of ecstasy danced in his mind. Harris did not even pause to reflect on his decision.

Overpowered by the intoxication of her words and her beauty, he pushed the box toward Mindy. So, the guy is a dumb ass. Love sucks. But, to make this decision so quickly he should have been wowed - entranced and captivated. He should have had visions.


“Oh, goody,” Mindy exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “Isn’t that wonderful? Love wins again.”

Neither Brenda nor Sofia responded to her happiness. They just scowled at the businessman. In the space of a minute, they both thought of several horrible ways to get their revenge. As they plotted, they shared a crocodile smile.

“So nice for you,” murmured Sofia.

“Indeed, my dear,” Brenda echoed. “Congratulations.”

Guided only by the strength of his desire, Harris eagerly demanded, “Where is she?”

“She’s over in the nightclub working as a hostess. Her name is Helen." Fluttering her eyes, she said, "There might be a couple of teeny, tiny snags in sneaking her away but I’m sure the two of you are going to get along just fine.” Mindy got up and held out her hand. “Shall we go?”This guy has no integrity after all. Doesn't fit with their decision at all.


Never looking back, Harris left the bar to follow his fate. While he would have the love she promised, he was unaware of the price to be paid for that single impulsive decision.A little more Rod Serling here. This craps out what should be an ominous ending.

Dean

[Mad Lews]

I liked the word, but Mad is right.

Dean

I've circled the date on my calender

Mad

[H Dean]

I would circle such a date too if it was such an infrequent occurrence.

[Euryleia]

With a suddenness that put the security officers on high alert, a small group appeared in the grand entryway of the resort hotel. The soaring arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow. Maybe it was their beauty and radiant health but they stood out from the crowd of tourists in the lobby.

Frowning, the oldest woman asked, “Where are we?” Sofia’s head turned constantly, trying to look everywhere at once.

“It’s called the Venetian,” her husband answered, rubbing his large hands together in glee. “It has all the comforts of home. You’ll love it.”

“Are you sure that this is the right place?”

“It couldn’t be more perfect.” Gus was supremely confident. Opening his arms wide, he exclaimed, “Have I ever steered you wrong?”

All three of the women rolled their eyes before turning back to gawk at the casinos, restaurants and shops that surrounded them. The accommodations were staggering in their opulence with gilded ornaments, luxurious upholstery, and rococo architecture.

The youngest member of the group smoothed her hands down body, tightening her dress along her curves. In a breathy voice she asked, “And you’re sure we’ll find him here?”

A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and tripped over a pile of luggage. When she smiled, a further six people crashed into one another and ended up on the marble floor.

Gus chuckled at the typical reaction to taking his granddaughter out in public. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’ll find what you need in the bar.”

“How will we know who to choose?” Brenda put her hands on her hips and glared at her father.

“You’ll know.”

Brenda sputtered, “But…but…”

“You’ll be fine.” Gus kissed Sofia on the lips, Brenda on the cheek and Mindy on the forehead. “Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be at the high limit tables.” Striding away, he was soon lost amongst the crowd.

Looking at one another, the three women shrugged and walked through the opaque glass doors into the V Lounge. Shown to a table far from the bar, they sat down on the pale leather seats. After placing their drink orders, they began to intently study the other patrons.

****

“Here you go, pal.”

Harris turned from reading the crawl of basketball scores off the single television in the upscale lounge. He glanced at the glass of scotch the bartender slid toward him. “I didn’t order that.”

“No, the ladies over there did.”

Swiveling on his stool, Harris scanned the room. It was late and only a few seats were occupied. Squinting a little he made out a table of women in the corner. He smiled automatically and raised his glass.

Taking a sip, he started to rotate back toward the silent television. He was a happily married man and did not need that sort of trouble.

When the smoky liquid hit his tongue, though, he paused. Sipping again, he would almost swear he tasted the sea amidst the peat.

“What is this?” he asked the bartender. “This isn’t what I was drinking.”

The bartender grinned at him. “No, pal, they requested that one specifically.”

“I’ve never tasted anything like it.”

“That’s the Isle of Islay on your tongue. Laphroaig is a thirty-year-old single malt. There are many who say it’s the finest of its kind.”

“It’s amazing.” Cupping both hands around the glass, Harris let it warm a moment before taking another mouthful. Rolling it around his tongue, he swallowed with a sigh of pleasure. “I guess I’ll have to go over there and thank them.”

“For a fifty dollar glass of booze, I think that’s the least you can do.” Waggling his eyebrows, the bartender laughed. “Don’t look like you’re walking the plank! Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Ignoring the insinuation, Harris ordered a round of what the women were drinking. He was feeling a bit hot under the collar as he strode across the deep carpet toward the trio.

“Good evening. The drink you sent over was lovely.”

“It was our pleasure,” answered Sofia. The light from the hooded lamp on the table softened the laugh lines on her face. “Won’t you join us?”

“Um, I don’t think so.” He stepped aside so the waitress could deliver the drinks. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

“Please.”

Harris turned his head at Mindy's plea. The dark haired beauty, wearing her sexuality like a second skin, captured his complete attention. On automatic pilot, he pulled out the empty chair and sank down with a smile on his face.

When Brenda coughed disapprovingly, Mindy turned and stuck out her tongue at her mother.

Blinking, Harris flushed in embarrassment. “I apologize for staring.”

“I don’t mind.”

“She seeks out such attention. Everyone seems to fall at her feet.” Brenda shook her head. “Don’t think a thing about it.”

The older woman cleared her throat. “I thank you for joining us. My name is Sofia. This is my daughter, Brenda, and my granddaughter, Mindy.”

“I’m pleased to meet you all. My name is Harris.”

“Are you in town for business or pleasure?” Brenda asked. She was close to Harris’ age with streaks of gray in her auburn hair. Her voice was a throaty growl that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

“A mix of both.” He tried to keep his eyes from drifting from their faces. “My company sponsors an annual retreat.”

“Are you here alone?”

“Yes, my wife is at home.”

“She was unable to join you.” Sofia made the question a statement.

“She’s a doctor and couldn’t leave her practice.” He smiled. “When we go on vacation, it will be where both of us can enjoy ourselves.”

“It must be difficult with two professionals in the house.”

“It works for us.” He glanced around the table. “Not that I’m complaining but do you three normally pick up strange men in bars?”

Sofia laughed. “Not at all. You are our first.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Well, you see, we have a small problem that we are hoping you can help us with.”

“Me? Why me?”

“You corrected that young man behind the bar when he made an error in your favor.”

Thinking back, Harris remembered being handed too much change. He had not thought twice about returning the overage. Shrugging, he said, “So, what?”

“We need someone who is fair to make a decision for us.”

“What sort of decision?”

“A friend of the family…” Sofia was interrupted by a snort from Brenda. Narrowing her eyes, she glared at her daughter. “Excuse me?”

“She’s no-one’s friend and is only allowed around because she’s related.”

“No relation of mine.”

“Daddy’s side, then. We didn’t invite her for a reason.”

Harris looked back and forth at the two arguing women. Interrupting before things got too heated, he asked, “Um, what does this have to do with me?”

Patting his hand, Sofia smiled. “So very sorry. It is just that this whole situation has upset us all.”

“No problem.”

“You see, she gave a very generous gift and we need someone to tell which of the three of us will get it.” Sofia waved at the intricately carved box that was sitting equidistant from the three women. “The box contains something we each want but are unable to agree who deserves it most.”

“What is it?”

“It is a statue of great value to us.” Sofia nodded at Brenda, who reached out and unlocked the box. “Look for yourself.”

Leaning forward, Harris peered into the deep blue, velvet-lined box and saw a golden orb. The warm yellow seemed to glow and his fingers itched to pick it up. When Brenda slammed the lid down, he guiltily jumped. Clearing his throat, Harris asked, “What do you want me to do?”

“We’ve decided you are the one who will solve our dilemma.”

“Exactly,” interjected Brenda. “You just give it to one of us and everyone will be happy.”

Scratching at the stubble on his neck, Harris studied the trio. They badly needed his help and that made him ask, “What’s in it for me?”

“Whoever you give the present to will give you a gift in return.”

He perked up. “Oh? What sort of gift?”

“It will be something different from each of us. Are you willing to participate?”

The three women were gazing at him hungrily. Flattered, Harris agreed. “Sure. Sounds like fun.” He looked around. “Who will go first?”

“We go by age,” Sofia answered definitively. Her sharp gaze toward the other two quelled their dissent. “I’ll begin.”

Leaning close, she lowered her voice and made him a promise. If he awarded her the statue, she would grant him all the knowledge in the world. His wisdom would be equal to hers.

As she spoke, Harris could feel his mind opening to absorb all sorts of information. His heart pounding at the thought of having all of the secrets of the world opened up to him. Teased with tantalizing clues about the Grand Unifying Theory and the JFK assignation, total enlightenment was within his grasp.

When she fell silent, a single bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. He was about ready to agree to her proposal when Brenda crossed her long, shapely legs. The movement broke the spell Sofia had woven around him.

While everything she said sounded wonderful to Harris, he had earned this trip to Las Vegas at company expense because he was a very good capitalist. Clearing his suddenly dry throat, he said, “That is very tempting, Sofia. But to be fair, I should hear all of the offers before making my decision.”

Frostily, Sofia bowed her head. “As you wish.”

“Excellent.” Brenda sat forward and began to speak about the glory that could be his. She promised him success in all interactions and in every endeavor he choose. In business, he would be given the tools for consistently proposing a brilliant strategy or the perfect solution.

Always a driven man, his ambition was fired by the glory that could be his if he gave her the gift. From President of his company to President of the United States, his mind embraced the power she offered.

When Brenda stopped talking, Harris shook his head to clear it. He fought to calm his racing pulse and to focus on the remaining woman. Mindy’s large, luminous eyes immediately enraptured him.

Tilting her head so that her hair fell forward, she looked up coyly and blushed. Wiggling her shoulders, her skin tight dress shifted and gave Harris a tantalizing glimpse of her breasts.

“Mr. Harris,” she said. “Give me the prize in the box. In return, I will give you the gift of love. You will possess the most beautiful woman in the entire world, a woman equal to me in perfection. With her you will reach the greatest heights of lovemaking. Choose me and she will be yours.”

Her voice seemed to sing inside his head as visions of ecstasy danced in his mind. Harris did not even pause to reflect on his decision.

Overpowered by the intoxication of her words and her beauty, he pushed the box toward Mindy.

“Oh, goody,” Mindy exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “Isn’t that wonderful? Love wins again.”

Neither Brenda nor Sofia responded to her happiness. They just scowled at the businessman. In the space of a minute, they both thought of several horrible ways to get their revenge. As they plotted, they shared a crocodile smile.

“So nice for you,” murmured Sofia.

“Indeed, my dear,” Brenda echoed. “Congratulations.”

Guided only by the strength of his desire, Harris eagerly asked, “Where is she?”

“She’s over in the nightclub working as a hostess. Her name is Helen." Fluttering her eyes, she said, “There might be a couple of teeny, tiny snags in sneaking her away but I’m sure the two of you are going to get along just fine.” Mindy got up and held out her hand. “Shall we go?”

Taking her hot little hand in his, Harris stood. His farewell smile to Sofia and Brenda was not returned. Feeling a chill run down his spine, he suddenly had second thoughts about his decision.

Before he could say a word, Mindy squeezed his fingers. “Come on,” she encouraged.

Harris only had to look into her beautiful face and his resistance crumbled. Carnal thoughts about the woman who would soon be his filled his mind to the expense of all else.

They walked passed a thirty-foot statue and Harris glanced down into the fountain’s water. He stumbled to a stop, aghast. In the swirling water, he saw his entire family. His mother, his father, his wife and all the others, their faces contorted in a rictus of pain and suffering.

The water turned blood red and began to boil. The bursting bubbles released thin sounds of screams into the air. Harris turned shocked eyes to Mindy. Standing beside her were Sofia and Brenda.

“I don’t understand.”

Brenda’s head tipped back as she laughed at loud. “Oh, my, you should see your face.”

“What does it all mean?”

“Come, now. Surely, you knew that there would be consequences?”

“But…” He looked back and forth from her to the fountain. “But I was only trying to help.”

“Were you really?” Sofia trailed her fingers through the water and smiled as the ghostly images broke and reformed. “You weren’t thinking of anything but your own pleasure. You are seeing the results. Your decision will be the ruin of all you know and hold dear.”

“Why?”

“Because we can,” Brenda said, using a sharp fingernail to pop several of the scream bubbles. “You didn’t give the statue to the most deserving. You just gave into your lust.”

Pouting, Mindy stomped her foot. “Does this mean I have to give it back?”

“That depends entirely on Harris.” Sofia straightened to her full height and stared into his eyes. “Knowing what you do now, is your choice the same?”

“I…I…” Torn, Harris looked at Mindy who pointed to the mezzanine level.

Standing there was a woman of extraordinary beauty. Helen was gorgeous beyond description and just seeing her made him want to possess her. Hardly believing his eyes, Harris whispered, “She’s the one?”

“Only death will part you,” Mindy affirmed.

“Then I want to make her mine.”

“At the expense of all else?” Sofia persisted.

He turned his back on the fountain and the doomsday visions in its depths. “There is nothing in my life but her.”

“So be it,” Sofia sniffed. With a snap of her fingers, both she and Brenda disappeared.

Oblivious, Harris smoothed back his hair. “How do I look?”

“You’re going to set the world on fire,” burbled Mindy. “Ready to meet your fate?”

“As I’ll ever hope to be.” He bounced on the balls of his feet. “Let’s do it.”

[Mad Lews]

I've seen it. I'm mostly impressed, will try to get to it this eve.
Mad

[Mad Lews]

OK I'm not a grammar nazi in real life but I've gotten dispensation to play one on the net. As I said you've done pretty good here but we want it polished up and tight as a drum head for reasons which I'll explain in a future PM


With a suddenness that put the security officers on high alert, a small group appeared in the grand entryway of the resort hotel.

OK needs a little work as a hook. You've started with the reaction then gone on to explain the action that caused it. Small group appears/(skip the where for now) It was so sudden that security does a double take/ then go on to describe where they are.


The soaring arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow.

Words like seemed, almost, nearly are weasel words. You don't really overuse them, it just seems that way when you repeat them that close together.

seemed to almost glow
is a split infinitive anyway how about a simple almost glowed





The youngest member of the group smoothed her hands down body, tightening her dress along her curves. In a breathy voice she asked, “And you’re sure we’ll find him here?”

you seem to be missing a her here, but you have three hers already in that sentence, might consider restructuring ...group ran her hands down her body,smoothing the dress that clung to her curves....



A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and tripped over a pile of luggage. When she smiled, a further six people crashed into one another and ended up on the marble floor.

Ah the poor bellhop, a very active visual with a passive tense verb, snap it up a little by going active. A passing bellhop, distracted by Mindy's beauty,...

If you really want six more accidents to prove your point drop the A further... and just do it. ...Six more people, blinded by ...




Looking at one another, the three women shrugged and walked through the opaque glass doors into the V Lounge. Shown to a table far from the bar, they sat down on the pale leather seats. After placing their drink orders, they began to intently study the other patrons.

Splitting the infinitive? They intently studied the bar's patrons might do just as well in a pinch.








Leaning forward, Harris peered into the deep blue, velvet-lined box and saw a golden orb. The warm yellow seemed to glow and his fingers itched to pick it up. When Brenda slammed the lid down, he guiltily jumped. Clearing his throat, Harris asked, “What do you want me to do?”

OK this is much better than the first try but it could still be pumped a little.
Show some visceral reaction here, eyes bulge at the golden orb, pulse races as he basks in the warm yellow glow then as he leans forward, fingers twitching, she slams the lid shut.



“We’ve decided you are the one who will solve our dilemma.”

“Exactly,” interjected Brenda. “You just give it to one of us and everyone will be happy.”

Scratching at the stubble on his neck, Harris studied the trio. They badly needed his help and that made him ask, “What’s in it for me?”

This is still a little out of the blue, give us his reasoning beyond simple greed, he isn't made out to be a bad guy yet, he's evolving for your readers so give them a reason to believe, just as the goddesses believed in him. He knew he was the right choice. If anyone, understood true value it was him. Still he wanted these three to understand value as well. " What's in it for me." and you've got him he's rationalizing and pissing off the powers that be all in one short paragraph.





As she spoke, Harris could feel his mind opening to absorb all sorts of information. His heart pounding at the thought of having all of the secrets of the world opened up to him. Teased with tantalizing clues about the Grand Unifying Theory and the JFK assignation, total enlightenment was within his grasp.

This is good, got the cerebral stimulus and some physical reaction we can relate too. Now you need to build so the next is stronger.





“Excellent.” Brenda sat forward and began to speak about the glory that could be his. She promised him success in all interactions and in every endeavor he choose. In business, he would be given the tools for consistently proposing a brilliant strategy or the perfect solution.

Always a driven man, his ambition was fired by the glory that could be his if he gave her the gift. From President of his company to President of the United States, his mind embraced the power she offered.

Ok, this is a little weaker, I’m not sure if she’s offering him success, glory, or power, three different routes of temptation. If it were me I’d stick to one and emphasize the power trip, then show his lust for power, the success and accolades it brings him, and finish up with some visceral reaction to her offer.



When Brenda stopped talking, Harris shook his head to clear it. He fought to calm his racing pulse and to focus on the remaining woman. Mindy’s large, luminous eyes immediately enraptured him.

Tilting her head so that her hair fell forward, she looked up coyly and blushed. Wiggling her shoulders, her skin tight dress shifted and gave Harris a tantalizing glimpse of her breasts.

“Mr. Harris,” she said. “Give me the prize in the box. In return, I will give you the gift of love. You will possess the most beautiful woman in the entire world, a woman equal to me in perfection. With her you will reach the greatest heights of lovemaking. Choose me and she will be yours.”

Her voice seemed to sing inside his head as visions of ecstasy danced in his mind. Harris did not even pause to reflect on his decision.

Awe come on, get us hot and bothered, (it's a guy thing) visions of vestal virgins. Imaginings of what they’d do to him and what he could do. He may not pause to think but his body reacts so show us. You can be a little subtle, flush don't blush, a throbbing pulse need not have too graphic a location but we need a better visual here. Of the three this is the climax of his downfall, He's not a villain he's a mortal pawn so we want to empathize a little, but also be aware of his mistake.





Brenda’s head tipped back as she laughed at loud. “Oh, my, you should see your face.”

“What does it all mean?”

“Come, now. Surely, you knew that there would be consequences?”

“But…” He looked back and forth from her to the fountain. “But I was only trying to help.”

“Were you really?” Sofia trailed her fingers through the water and smiled as the ghostly images broke and reformed. “You weren’t thinking of anything but your own pleasure. You are seeing the results. Your decision will be the ruin of all ( let's make this more personal, everyone you hold dear rather than all) you know and hold dear.”

OK the trap is closing,. He's still clueless but you want your reader to feel smarter than that.
try
"You weren't thinking at all. Well maybe thinking of your own pleasure..."



Oblivious, Harris smoothed back his hair. “How do I look?”

“You’re going to set the world on fire,” burbled Mindy. “Ready to meet your fate?”

“As I’ll ever hope to be.” He bounced on the balls of his feet. “Let’s do it.”

Gotta love a chump, much better ending than before. I might suggest one bit of a tweak.

He bounced on the balls of his feet is OK but he could be so much more involved with his doom if only,
Bouncing on the balls of his feet he took the first step. "Let's do it."

All in all a great job.
Mad Lews

[Euryleia]

Okay, I have to say that this bit here really concerns me.


As I said you've done pretty good here but we want it polished up and tight as a drum head for reasons which I'll explain in a future PM

Frankly, this story is starting to bore me and I don't want to play with them anymore. I'm hoping that I'm going to have something new to play with soon.

~sigh~

I guess I'll just have to wait for word upon high.

ER

[Mad Lews]

ER
Dread PM is on its way and will think on new toys for you to play with.
ML

[Euryleia]

Okay, let us try this again:

The lights flickered and dimmed. Nearly every eye in the grand entryway lifted to stare up at the chandeliers. After a moment, the power steadied. As everyone returned to what they were doing, few noticed an unusual group of people who had appeared in the lobby during the brief brownout.

The soaring arches and columns of the resort dwarfed everyone but them. They weren’t just larger than life. Under the artificial lighting, the three women and one man almost glowed. Perhaps it was their beauty or radiant health but they stood out from the milling crowd of tourists.

Frowning, the oldest woman asked, “Where are we?” Sofia’s head turned constantly, trying to look everywhere at once.

“It’s called the Venetian,” her husband answered, rubbing his large hands together in glee. “It has all the comforts of home. You’ll love it.”

“Are you sure that this is the right place?”

“It couldn’t be more perfect.” Gus was supremely confident. Opening his arms wide, he exclaimed, “Have I ever steered you wrong?”

All three of the women rolled their eyes before turning back to gawk at the casinos, restaurants and shops that surrounded them. The accommodations were staggering in their opulence with gilded ornaments, luxurious upholstery, and rococo architecture.

The youngest member of the group smoothed her hands down her body, tightening her dress along her curves. In a breathy voice she asked, “And you’re sure we’ll find him here?”

A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s otherworldly beauty and tripped over a pile of luggage. Gus chuckled at the typical reaction to taking his granddaughter out in public. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’ll find what you need in the bar.”

“How will we know who to choose?” Brenda put her hands on her hips and glared at her father.

“You’ll know.”

Brenda sputtered, “But…but…”

“You’ll be fine.” Gus kissed Sofia on the lips, Brenda on the cheek and Mindy on the forehead. “Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be at the high limit tables.” Striding away, he was soon lost amongst the crowd.

Looking at one another, the three women shrugged and walked through the opaque glass doors into the V Lounge. Shown to a table far from the bar, they sat down on the pale leather seats. After placing their drink orders, they intently studied the other patrons.

****

“Here you go, sir.”

Harris turned from reading the crawl of basketball scores off the single television in the upscale lounge. He glanced at the glass of scotch the bartender slid toward him. “I didn’t order that.”

“No, the ladies over there did.”

Swiveling on his stool, Harris scanned the room. It was late and only a few seats were occupied. Squinting a little he made out a table of women in the corner. He smiled automatically and raised his glass.

Taking a sip, he started to rotate back toward the silent television. He was a happily married man and did not need that sort of trouble.

When the smoky liquid hit his tongue, though, he paused. Sipping again, he would almost swear he tasted the sea amidst the peat.

“What is this?” he asked the bartender. “This isn’t what I was drinking.”

The bartender grinned at him. “No, pal, they requested that one specifically.”

“I’ve never tasted anything like it.”

“That’s the Isle of Islay on your tongue. Laphroaig is a thirty-year-old single malt. There are many who say it’s the finest of its kind.”

“It’s amazing.” Cupping both hands around the glass, Harris let it warm a moment before taking another mouthful. Rolling it around his tongue, he swallowed with a sigh of pleasure. “I guess I’ll have to go over there and thank them.”

“For a fifty dollar glass of booze, I think that’s the least you can do.” Waggling his eyebrows, the bartender laughed. “Don’t look like you’re walking the plank! Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Ignoring the insinuation, Harris ordered a round of what the women were drinking. He was feeling a bit hot under the collar as he strode across the deep carpet toward the trio.

“Good evening. The drink you sent over was lovely.”

“It was our pleasure,” answered Sofia. The light from the hooded lamp on the table softened the laugh lines on her face. “Won’t you join us?”

“Um, I don’t think so.” He stepped aside so the waitress could deliver the drinks. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

“Please.”

Harris turned his head at Mindy’s plea. The dark haired beauty, wearing her sexuality like a second skin, captured his complete attention. On automatic pilot, he pulled out the empty chair and sank down with a smile on his face.

When Brenda coughed disapprovingly, Mindy turned and stuck out her tongue at her mother.

Blinking, Harris flushed in embarrassment. “I apologize for staring.”

“I don’t mind.”

“She seeks out such attention. Everyone seems to fall at her feet.” Brenda shook her head. “Don’t think a thing about it.”

The older woman cleared her throat. “I thank you for joining us. My name is Sofia. This is my daughter, Brenda, and my granddaughter, Mindy.”

“I’m pleased to meet you all. My name is Harris.”

“Are you in town for business or pleasure?” Brenda asked. She was close to Harris’ age with streaks of gray in her auburn hair. Her voice was a throaty growl that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

“A mix of both.” He tried to keep his eyes from drifting from their faces. “My company sponsors an annual retreat for best performers.”

“Are you here alone?”

“Yes, my wife is at home.”

“She was unable to join you.” Sofia made the question a statement.

“She’s a doctor and couldn’t leave her practice.” He smiled. “When we go on vacation, it will be where both of us can enjoy ourselves.”

“It must be difficult with two professionals in the house.”

“It works for us.” He glanced around the table. “Not that I’m complaining but do you three normally pick up strange men in bars?”

Sofia laughed. “Not at all. You are our first.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Well, you see, we had an ulterior motive for buying you that drink.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, we have a small problem that we’re hoping you can help us with.”

“Me? Why me?”

“You corrected that young man behind the bar when he made an error in your favor.”

Thinking back, Harris remembered being handed too much change and not thinking twice about returning the overage. He had always found it easy to be ethical with the little things. Shrugging, he said, “So, what?”

“We need someone who is fair to make a decision for us.”

“Well, I’m not sure about all that but I’ll give it my best shot. What’s the issue?”

“A friend of the family…” Sofia was interrupted by a snort from Brenda. Narrowing her eyes, she glared at her daughter. “Excuse me?”

“She’s no-one’s friend and is only allowed around because she’s related.”

“No relation of mine.”

“Daddy’s side, then. We didn’t invite her for a reason.”

Harris looked back and forth at the two arguing women. Interrupting before things got too heated, he asked, “Um, what does this have to do with me?”

Patting his hand, Sofia smiled. “So very sorry. It is just that this whole situation has upset us all.”

“No problem. Families can be very trying at times.”

“I’m so glad you agree. You see, she gave a very generous gift and we need someone to tell which of the three of us will get it.” Sofia waved at the intricately carved box that was sitting equidistant from the three women. “The box contains something we each want but are unable to agree who deserves it most.”

“What is it?”

“It is a statue of great value to us.” Sofia nodded at Brenda, who reached out and unlocked the box. “Look for yourself.”

Leaning forward, Harris peered into the deep blue, velvet-lined box and saw a golden orb. The warm yellow glimmered in the low light. His fingers itched to hold it and he could not remember ever wanting anything so badly.

Brenda slammed down the lid, nearly crushing his fingers. Snatching his hand back, Harris asked, “What do you want me to do?”

“We’ve decided you are the one who will solve our dilemma.”

“Exactly,” interjected Brenda. “You just give it to one of us and everyone will be happy.”

Scratching at the stubble on his neck, Harris studied the trio. His salesman’s instincts could tell that each of them badly wanted to posses the orb. Knowing they needed his help made him ask, “What’s in it for me?”

“Whoever you give the present to will give you a gift in return.”

He perked up. “Oh? What sort of gift?”

“It will be something different from each of us. Are you willing to participate?”

The three women were gazing at him hungrily. Flattered, Harris agreed. “Sure. Sounds like fun.” He looked around. “Who will go first?”

“We go by age,” Sofia answered definitively. Her sharp gaze toward the other two quelled their dissent. “I’ll begin.”

Leaning close, she lowered her voice. “I promise you that if I am awarded the statue, I would grant you all the knowledge in the world. In fact, your wisdom would be equal to mine.”

As she spoke, Harris could feel his mind opening to absorb all kinds of information. His heart pounding at the thought of having all of the secrets of the world opened up to him. Teased with tantalizing clues about the Grand Unifying Theory and the JFK assignation, total enlightenment was within his grasp.

When she fell silent, a single bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face. Panting with excitement, he was about to agree to her proposal when Brenda crossed her long, shapely legs. The movement broke the spell Sofia had woven around him.

While everything she said sounded wonderful to Harris, he had earned this trip to Las Vegas at company expense because he was a very good capitalist. Clearing his suddenly dry throat, he said, “That is very tempting, Sofia. But to be fair, I should hear all of the offers before making my decision.”

Frostily, Sofia bowed her head. “As you wish.”

“Excellent.” Brenda sat forward and began to speak. “Give it to me. For I can give you success in all interactions and in every endeavor you choose. There is no power, no glory in the world that would be out of reach.”

Always a driven man, his ambition was fired by visions of what could be his if he gave in to her. From President of his company to President of the United States, Harris eagerly embraced everything the offer could bring him.

When Brenda stopped talking, Harris felt overwhelmed. He shook his head to clear it. Fighting to calm his racing pulse, he turned his focus on the remaining woman. Mindy’s large, luminous eyes immediately enraptured him.

Tilting her head so that her hair fell forward, she looked up coyly and blushed. Wiggling her shoulders, her skin tight dress shifted and gave Harris a tantalizing glimpse of her breasts.

“Mr. Harris,” she said. “Give me the prize in the box. In return, I will give you the gift of love. You will possess the most beautiful woman in the entire world, a woman equal to me in perfection. With her you will reach the greatest heights of lovemaking. Choose me and she will be yours.”

Her voice seemed to sing inside his head as dreams of ecstasy danced in his mind. Harris did not even pause for reflecting. Overpowered by the intoxication of her words and her beauty, he pushed the box toward Mindy.

“Oh, goody,” Mindy exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “Isn’t that wonderful? Love wins again.”

Neither Brenda nor Sofia responded to her happiness. They just scowled at the businessman. In the space of a minute, they both thought of twenty horrible ways to get their revenge. As they plotted, they shared a crocodile smile.

“So nice for you,” murmured Sofia.

“Indeed, my dear,” Brenda echoed. “Congratulations.”

Guided only by the strength of his desire, Harris eagerly demanded, “Where is she?”

“She’s over in the nightclub working as a hostess. Her name is Helen." Fluttering her eyes, she said, “There might be a couple of teeny, tiny snags in sneaking her away but I’m sure the two of you are going to get along just fine.” Mindy got up and held out her hand. “Shall we go?”

Taking her hot little hand in his, Harris stood. His farewell smile to Sofia and Brenda was not returned. Feeling a chill run down his spine at the twin glare, he suddenly had second thoughts about his decision.

Before he could say a word, Mindy squeezed his fingers. “Come on,” she encouraged.

Harris only had to look into her beautiful face and his resistance crumbled. Carnal thoughts about the woman who would soon be his filled his mind to the expense of all else.

They walked passed a thirty-foot statue and Harris glanced down into the fountain’s water. He stumbled to a stop, aghast. In the swirling water, he saw his entire family. His mother, his father, his wife and all the others, their faces contorted in a rictus of pain and suffering.

The water turned blood red and began to boil. The bursting bubbles released thin sounds of screams into the air. Harris turned shocked eyes to Mindy. Standing beside her were Sofia and Brenda.

“I don’t understand.”

Brenda’s head tipped back as she laughed at loud. “Oh, my, you should see your face.”

“What does it all mean?”

“Come, now. Surely, you knew that there would be consequences?”

“But…” He looked back and forth from her to the fountain. “But I was only trying to help.”

“Were you really?” Sofia trailed her fingers through the water and smiled as the ghostly images broke and reformed. “You weren’t thinking of anything but your own pleasure. You are seeing the results. Your decision will be the ruin of all you hold dear.”

“Why?”

“Because we can,” Brenda said, using a sharp fingernail to pop several of the scream bubbles. “You didn’t give the statue to the most deserving. You just gave into your lust,” she spat angrily.

Pouting, Mindy stomped her foot. “Does this mean I have to give it back?”

“That depends entirely on Harris.” Sofia straightened to her full height and stared into his eyes. “Knowing what you do now, is your choice the same?”

“I…I…” Torn, Harris looked at Mindy who pointed to the mezzanine level.

Standing there was a woman of extraordinary beauty. Helen was gorgeous beyond description and just seeing her made him want to possess her. Hardly believing his eyes, Harris whispered, “She’s the one?”

“Only death will part you,” Mindy affirmed.

“Then I want to make her mine.”

“At the expense of all else?” Sofia persisted.

He turned his back on the fountain and the doomsday visions in its depths. “There is nothing in my life but her.”

“So be it,” Sofia sniffed. With a snap of her fingers, both she and Brenda disappeared.

Oblivious, Harris smoothed back his hair. “How do I look?”

“You’re going to set the world on fire,” burbled Mindy. “Ready to meet your fate?”

“As I’ll ever hope to be.” He bounced on the balls of his feet and took a step forward. “Let’s go.”

[H Dean]

You do appear bored with this story. I can see numerous moments that seemed a struggle where you had not struggled so much before.

The soaring arches and columns of the resort dwarfed everyone but them. They weren’t just larger than life. Under the artificial lighting, the three women and one man almost glowed. Perhaps it was their beauty or radiant health but they stood out from the milling crowd of tourists.

Darlin', I'm not gonna hammer all over this piece. It really does seem to have run out of steam and I can tell with sentences that go nowhere - like the one in red. I've read you be far more expressive than this. Maybe it is the assignment wearing thin or maybe it was your struggle with the concept Mad gave you. It wasn't an easy concept and I would have struggled greatly. Either way, I think I am looking forward to what Mad has assigned for you next.

By the way, it seems that I have been given the task of taking over this level. I do hope you will stick around and help out with this level when you have slipped past its murky depths. Someone has to be nice, after all. Moreover, I have very much appreciated reading your assignments and, I do believe, helping others with their tasks is an excellent way to improve one's own writings.

By the way - if you want me to go ahead and rip this piece, I will. I don't want you to think that it was for nothing that you wrote this, but it is rather clear you are swimming against your own current and would like to move on.

Dean the Mean

[Euryleia]

While I do appreciate the offer on the additional ripping, I think this horse is well and truly dead. I am sorry that I couldn't bring more life to the story. Perhaps the next assignment will not prove so recalcitrant.

Congratulations, Dean, on taking over this level. While I wish Mad Lews all the best, I think you'll be good for the folks who arrive from Level Two still cocky about their work. A little of The Mean will be like a dose of salts.

I thank you for the kind words about my writing. As I can, I would be happy to offer another set of eyes.

[Mad Lews]

Hi ER ,
If you wish to pursue what we discussed, do not give up just yet.
I know this is a short story but try to review this article,
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/novelplot.shtml
paying attention to the hook and the Climax/Denouement.
You might be struggling a bit but you are making headway. Try and ask yourself what makes it mythical as opposed to a good read.
I'll PM a more elaborate critique if you want.
Mad Lews

PS I may be waiting for you up one level so revel in the tender mercies of the Dean whilst you can.

[Euryleia]

Uh, oh. Are you waiting up a level with one of those Whack-a-Mole mallets?

You did read that I wished you all the best, right?

I will read the article and check back in with you. I tried for a week to come up with a better hook and that was my best effort.

[Mad Lews]

Try not so hard, and remember the power of understatement.

If you blatantly state the improbable, go on as if nothing had happened, then act surprised when people react to your characters as if they are ,godlike?

A lot of variations on the hook, you just need to snag their interest. and with a story this short you aren't asking for a major commitment of time.:)

and it's a 12 pound sledge, not one of those wussy wooden mole mallets, but no problems for the nimble at heart.:rolleyes:

Mad

[H Dean]

Uh, oh. Are you waiting up a level with one of those Whack-a-Mole mallets?

You did read that I wished you all the best, right?

I will read the article and check back in with you. I tried for a week to come up with a better hook and that was my best effort.He didn't tell you something important. I am there too.

[Euryleia]

He didn't tell you something important. I am there too.

You don't scare me anymore, Mr. Covered in Chocolate. I'm quite the fan of the dark, bittersweet stuff.