View Full Version : issues...
Amethyst
04-04-2008, 04:00 AM
I seem to be stuck in a cycle of deciding its time i found a real life Dom, finding someone with potential and then freaking out. Every so often i decide BDSM isn't for me and promise myself i'll just leave it as something to daydream about. However i end up feeling pretty low that i've let opportunities go and that i may live life without ever submitting to anyone. Currently i'm on the lookout for a Dom after a few months break but i'm starting to wonder whether it really is for me if i have such strong reoccurring doubts. Maybe i just haven't found the right Dom with the ability to put me at ease. I really don't know anymore......
only you can decide for sure but it's natural to be doubtful and even scared fo some people to begin with.
rather than looking for a partner what about looking for someone who is willing to mentor you,and maybe joining a local munch group to help give you some insight and a sense of if its right for you or not.
you need to be clear and honest with anyone you do meet it would be unfair to give out the wrong signals people would understand and be appreciative of you honesty
as we are forever saying there's no rush,take your time think about it before you come to any firm decisions.
Sir_Russell
04-04-2008, 06:46 AM
icey,
Her joining a munch group may not be such a great idea from what I have seen of them the wannabees, posers and abusers are the guys all over the newbee sub. All brag and boast doing their best to steer her away from anyone that may be willing to mentor with actual knowledge and not having a hidden agenda.
In my younger days I took great pleasure in strolling into this group to insist that the lady come sit with me and my ladies. Once at our table I would let the girls talk and only answer direct questions. I was very pleased that my girls would give her the straight stuff on who was worth the newbee talking to and steering her to the real deals.
gemmy
04-04-2008, 07:30 AM
I seem to be stuck in a cycle of deciding its time i found a real life Dom, finding someone with potential and then freaking out. Every so often i decide BDSM isn't for me and promise myself i'll just leave it as something to daydream about. However i end up feeling pretty low that i've let opportunities go and that i may live life without ever submitting to anyone. Currently i'm on the lookout for a Dom after a few months break but i'm starting to wonder whether it really is for me if i have such strong reoccurring doubts. Maybe i just haven't found the right Dom with the ability to put me at ease. I really don't know anymore......
Amethyst, hun, you've only just begun to look and I'm sure there is the right fit for you out there somewhere but you'll maybe not see him if you aren't solid within yourself in what you do and do not want. You cannot leave it all up to the Dominant to 'fix' everything, it's unfair to ask.
Although a good Dom enjoys that part of taking on a new submissive, he won't magically make all your problems or doubts disappear and you may find you've chosen poorly simply because you, yourself don't know what you want.
I do relate to being disenchanted with the whole deal sometimes as I often find myself there as well and darling, I've been looking for two years! lol
In that timespace though, I've talked to So many different people, Doms, subs and vanillas alike and have come to this great place within myself with learning who I am and what it is that I want, like, dislike and the rest - it's a worthwhile process and I believe necessary steps in any journey but more so in this kind of journey.
Try to talk with as many people as possible and relief some of the pressure on yourself to 'have' someone, you may be pleasantly surprised by who you see ;)
Good luck :D
Amethyst
04-04-2008, 07:31 AM
Thank you both of you. Regarding munches, i really don't have the self confidence to turn up alone. I talked online with a Dom who goes to my local munch and he turned out to be not so nice so i think i'll be avoiding it!
TomOfSweden
04-04-2008, 08:21 AM
I seem to be stuck in a cycle of deciding its time i found a real life Dom, finding someone with potential and then freaking out. Every so often i decide BDSM isn't for me and promise myself i'll just leave it as something to daydream about. However i end up feeling pretty low that i've let opportunities go and that i may live life without ever submitting to anyone. Currently i'm on the lookout for a Dom after a few months break but i'm starting to wonder whether it really is for me if i have such strong reoccurring doubts. Maybe i just haven't found the right Dom with the ability to put me at ease. I really don't know anymore......
ok, here's my interpretation of your post.
You have an image of what a D/s relationship entails. You like some of it, but not other parts. This freaks you out.
A suggestion is that you identify what that image is, and then consciously change it. And then find a guy who fits it. And communicate this with the guy you found.
Like this:
I want a Master I can worship and serve.
I don't want a Master who punishes me physically or hurts me physically.
I want a Master who is a life partner and who is supportive and loving.
I want a Master who needs a slave like me to worship him.
I want a Master who can teach me things about myself.
I want a Master who isn't an insane fuck up like all my exes.
The things that freak you out are of course that which you don't really want. It may turn you on, but isn't something you actually want to do. We've all got plenty of those fetishes. Just because you're a slave doesn't mean you have to do everything your master tell you to. You don't have to do anything that does violence to your nature. Any master who demands it I'd label as abusive.
ive heard from so many people who have gotten a lot from the munch groups even though our local one was a disappointment ( funnily enough i was actually going to post about that) that i thought on the whole they're worth trying.
im sure the majority are good people.
but from what you've said amethyst its definately not a good idea in your area!
i think the others gave some good advice, its better to be prepared rather than jump in feet first like many of us do.
its worth considering finding someone you feel you can trust to talk with one on one,often its better to find a sub mentor who unless recruiting which is fairly rare in reality has no hidden personal motive.
Just because you're a slave doesn't mean you have to do everything your master tell you to.
you're brave lol i once dared to very tactfully suggest that for the very same reasons and got a real earbashing, mainly from the slaves!
thrall
04-04-2008, 05:32 PM
ok, here's my interpretation of your post.
You have an image of what a D/s relationship entails. You like some of it, but not other parts. This freaks you out.
A suggestion is that you identify what that image is, and then consciously change it. And then find a guy who fits it. And communicate this with the guy you found.
Like this:
I want a Master I can worship and serve.
I don't want a Master who punishes me physically or hurts me physically.
I want a Master who is a life partner and who is supportive and loving.
I want a Master who needs a slave like me to worship him.
I want a Master who can teach me things about myself.
I want a Master who isn't an insane fuck up like all my exes.
The things that freak you out are of course that which you don't really want. It may turn you on, but isn't something you actually want to do. We've all got plenty of those fetishes. Just because you're a slave doesn't mean you have to do everything your master tell you to. You don't have to do anything that does violence to your nature. Any master who demands it I'd label as abusive.
I love you Tom!!!
When it's right- you'll know. There's an old saying in D/s- 'If it don't feel right, it probably ain't.'
I think you answer your own question in your last sentence Amethyst- maybe you just haven't found the right one yet.
TomOfSweden
04-06-2008, 06:28 AM
you're brave lol i once dared to very tactfully suggest that for the very same reasons and got a real earbashing, mainly from the slaves!
Obviously I don't want my slave sitting at home being all opinionated about my orders. I demand she doesn't everything I tell her to, instantly. If she doesn't she's got a beating coming.
...but there's loads of situations were I want something from my slave but I know for what ever reason that it isn't practical. So I don't. So my absolute power over her, isn't really absolute. It just feels that way :)