Confused

[silver9]

I've been really trying to get my boyfriend to realize that our relationship is a bit too vanilla for me, but it really doesn't seem to be working

I said to him that 'I like it when a man takes charge and dominates me' when we were fooling around, and he went as far as to pin my arms above my head and that was it; it was fun, but there wasn't a word of it in the morning, I wonder if I freaked him out or something.
It seems he's not interested, but he does seem dominant in many ways, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything

It's all a bit confusing, but I'm really scared that I'm pressuring him a bit, and that's the last thing I want to do, because he's been so understanding with me and has been okay with me saying that we can't have sex, and we've been together for a year and a half now

Sorry if I'm babbling, I just don't know what to do, but I know I can't see myself being with someone in the long run with purely vanilla tastes :confused:

[cadence]

I can understand your confusion, and am more than likely in the same situation as you yourself are.

I am very nosy too, so if you don't like what I ask you don't have to answer at all.
Have you only been with him for a year and a half or longer? or have you just not had any sexual relations in that time.

It is hard to convey your thoughts and what you would like in respect to being submissive and being Dominated by another.

I don't think that I would worry about pressuring him, if he has been understanding that you don't want to have sex, then you both have obviously discussed this and you can also discuss your other wants as well.

If you can't see yourself being in a vanilla relationship, then I suggest you talk to him about it.
I do know that it is a difficult thing to discuss, but it does get easier once you let it out.

Maybe you had stronger feelings than what he did when he pinned your arms above your head, but he didn't think too much about it.

Ask him about it, and maybe discuss some more things that you would like.
Show him stories that turn you on. Talk about things that you think are sexy about being Dominated.

You don't have to come out and say that this is what I want now, but let him know that you find these things a big turnon and you might like to try them if he does as well.

Start slow and proceed from there.

[Euryleia]

Have you found a story in the library that turns you on that you can share with him? He may not have any idea what sort of things (other than holding you down) that would be all right for him to do. Perhaps show him a catalog of toys, too, to give him ideas.

The big thing here is to keep talking--don't wait for him to bring it up. You've got to communicate your needs and listen to him, as well. He may not be able to give you all you desire and you won't find out without clear and honest communication.

Good luck as you move forward.

[butterflySlave4u]

It's all a bit confusing, but I'm really scared that I'm pressuring him a bit, and that's the last thing I want to do, because he's been so understanding with me and has been okay with me saying that we can't have sex, and we've been together for a year and a half nowum, what? YOU've told him you can't have sex, and you wonder why he's reluctant? I guess i'm not understanding the situation....

[silver9]

I am very nosy too, so if you don't like what I ask you don't have to answer at all.
Have you only been with him for a year and a half or longer? or have you just not had any sexual relations in that time.


With the whole no sex things; my family is very, very strict, and if I was to ever get pregnant before marriage then I really don't even want to know what they'd do. We do everything but actual sex, and he's been okay with that because he's met my family and I've explained it to him; and we've been together for a year and a half virtually exactly, sorry if I didn't explain everything clearly :)

Oh, and thanks for the advice Euryleia and cadence, I think I'll try and talk to him next time we're alone

[lily27]

I have posted this link before, but it has been quite a while. Here is a link to an excellent article about submissive women with vanilla partners:

http://www.submissivewomenspeak.net/ponypearl.htm

It is not all good news, unfortunately, but it definitely holds true for the vast majority of people who find themselves in your position.

Good luck.

[Radasham]

As a quick chime in from personal experience. Really the only way you can make a RL relationship work. When one person has decided they are or a particular way of living, and the other is against it. Is to end the relationship and find that which makes you happy...or seek personal fulfillment outside of the relationship to get that which you desire. Then at this point it because a question of do you tell them, do you hide it...etc.

But you need to determine if this is something he is willing to explore, grow into, or ultimatly become. BUT be careful to not read to much in to what he may or may not be.

My personal soapbox stance in regards to this is honesty. Front and foremost it may hurt in the short term. But in the end will provide you greater harmony and happiness to your life.

[Ozme52]

With the whole no sex things; my family is very, very strict, and if I was to ever get pregnant before marriage then I really don't even want to know what they'd do. We do everything but actual sex, and he's been okay with that because he's met my family and I've explained it to him; and we've been together for a year and a half virtually exactly, sorry if I didn't explain everything clearly :)


So... help me out here... sorry to be blunt. Does that mean you have oral genital contact? anal? mutual masturbation? Just not vaginal intercourse?

And... what exactly are you thinking of when you say "I want to be dominated."

[silver9]

So... help me out here... sorry to be blunt. Does that mean you have oral genital contact? anal? mutual masturbation? Just not vaginal intercourse?

Everything on that list but just not anal, at the moment :p


And... what exactly are you thinking of when you say "I want to be dominated."

I have a vague idea with that, and I've been trying to figure out more exactly what I do want; but I'm really new to all this so I think I have to grow a bit before I can say exactly how I fit into the whole BDSM life; just trying to find out more is the main reason I joined this forum.

Right now I'm just thinking whether it's better to wait and figure things out before I bring it up again; the last thing I want to do is to make a mistake, and I know there's a lot of stuff I still have to find out about it all

[gemmy]

Right now I'm just thinking whether it's better to wait and figure things out before I bring it up again; the last thing I want to do is to make a mistake, and I know there's a lot of stuff I still have to find out about it all

silver, hun - that is a thought for sure but I think you are on the right track with continuing to learn all you can. Read, absorb, find out what makes you really tingle when you read this or that and how you could see that happening for you, if you can see that happening for you.

Asking questions openly helps go a long way in hearing other's views and perspectives which you can then take into yourself to see if that is something you like or not. It's part of the learning process.

Knowing what you might want will help guide you firstly and staying open to other ideas will help you continue to grow and learn more.

Where your boyfriend is concerned, all you can do is state openly, bluntly and honestly how you feel - don't 'skirt' around maybe's and what if's. Let him know outright it is something you Need to explore and would like him to explore with you. He will let you know if that is not for him or if he thinks it would be interesting to learn together or not ;)

[fetishdj]

With the whole no sex things; my family is very, very strict, and if I was to ever get pregnant before marriage then I really don't even want to know what they'd do. We do everything but actual sex, and he's been okay with that because he's met my family and I've explained it to him; and we've been together for a year and a half virtually exactly, sorry if I didn't explain everything clearly :)


With the 'strict' thing above, I am presuming that this precludes any form of contraception? If not, you may want to look into that as it can solve a lot of your issues here. I also assume that you are being very careful about how you perform oral sex and mutual masturbation as there is always a risk of passing on disease through these methods (though not if neither of you have no other partners so I wouldn't worry too much about that at present).

I also assume that you intend to marry this guy at some point and may even have made plans in that direction? Thats the impression I get from your post, anyway.

Anyway, you want him to dominate you? That sounds like a big step to take from the position you are in now. I think you need to work slowly and build up to this and also make sure that this is indeed what you want and he is the guy you want it with (and that he wants to be this way with you). There is a big difference between 'a bit of kinky sex' and total power exchange - where you give up control of your life to him in its entirity. The process will involve a lot of trust and affection.

Ok, you've done the 'holding hands above head' thing - quite a common thing even in vanilla sex. The next step (and also quite common even with vanilla couples) may be to try the old 'silk scarves on the bed post with a blindfold on' bit. Though I wouldn't use silk scarves because they tend to tighten too much and can cut off the circulation - use something softer and more robust like cotton. Suggest it as a fun game. Many other 'normal' couples do it so he may not see it as such a bad thing. Once you are tied up, you can experiment with things like food play and tickling/touch sensations. One game I have had fun playing in vanilla sex is tying the other person up, blindfolding them and then using various objects on the skin like feathers, different types of cloth (rough wool, silk, velvet) and so on to get different sensations. You can play a 'guess the object' game while doing it.

You can also ask him to spank you during your sessions. Again, many normal couples experiment with a bit of spanking (I am sure you could find an article in Cosmo or a similar woman's magazine to prove this fact to him if you needed to, they seem to print a rather tame 'kinky sex' article every issue or so :) ) so he may not see this as unusual.

Basically, work him up to more extreme things by slow progression, convincing him that this sort of thing is normal for many couples (it is, beleive me... the number of vanilla girls I have slept with in my time who did not know my kink but still asked me to spank them or tie them up...). Once he gets into the mindset of enjoying this stuff then you will be half way there.

[stripedangel]

Ummmm.....if you're planning on marriage, why would you start it off on this note? You should have NO secrets.

i know, i know, everyone has skeletons...but before we were married (11 years ago), Mr.FixIt and i had a "free confessions" kind of evening. We told things that we had NEVER told anyone EVER.

There is nothing there that he doesn't know about me, and vise/versa. It was one of the most difficult nights i have ever had. It took alot of guts and it was embarrassing to bear it all, and hear it all. All of the bad things that we each felt guilty about came out on the table....

At that moment, we took ownership of each other. There is COMPLETE trust. Neither of us knew that the other, however, was such a freak until we'd been married for 8 years lol.

Knowing all i have about Him since that night, i must say....i really wish i'd KNOWN that i was into the other side of vanilla when our relationship was new. Then when we realized it, we were afraid to admit it. We missed out on alot, simply because we were both afraid to admit our kinks.

Don't do that. Be completely honest....especially if you plan to spend your lives together. NEVER lie to one another, not even a little. Honesty is brutal, but real trust is golden, and hard to come by.

BTW, once you admit being kinky in one way, it's easy to admit other kinks....and then work your way up.

[stripedangel]

PS

i showed him some things on the net at first...some bondage mpeg samples, a good caning sample here and there. i checked his reaction...NOT what he said, but how his eyes spoke. i could see the spark.

We experimented with easy stuff...medical was our first. He was able to explore my body. I kept my eyes closed for the most part, so there was no "audience" for him, he could be unintimidated.

I suggested the lifestyle a year ago. It's one helluva struggle, and we backslide at times and have a real arguement, but I take my punishment later for my discrepancies. We get up and try again.

Now, it seems that we are having fewer fights and more respect and discipline.

[fetishdj]

Who said anything about secrets? The point is to work up to complete disclosure by small degrees with the aim of getting it all out into the open without either party getting too scared by things going too fast or too extreme.

[gemmy]

Ummmm.....if you're planning on marriage, why would you start it off on this note? You should have NO secrets.

Exactly the complete bottom line to any of this - well said hun :)

[gemmy]

Who said anything about secrets? The point is to work up to complete disclosure by small degrees with the aim of getting it all out into the open without either party getting too scared by things going too fast or too extreme.

The secret is if she can't even talk to him about it now, what is that going to breed in her marriage (if she is in fact planning to marry him at some point). It's a trust issue more than anything. Trying to 'play' games to get him there really isn't being fully honest imho. Play the games, sure but do it with communication and honesty of where you are hoping to go with him.

You may love a person but if you're afraid he's going to not like you and leave by talking to him about this, you don't trust him or the love between you which is common in vanilla relationships.

I'm with stripedangel on this, if she can't bring herself to openly talk about this with him, she either doesn't trust his love for her enough or her love for him.

There is merit in going slowly in this type of communication but truly, if this is a tendancy she has, it's better she learns it now and not three kids and a divorce after 10 years when it finally does manifest itself within her - been there, done that - if it's a real thing inside, it will want release, sometime and will find that release regardless and not always in the healthiest of ways.

She's young and now is the time to sort it out before they both make decisions based on half-truths that will most certainly hurt them later and others around them.

A side note silver hun - I get the whole strict family thing and am not belittling it but at some point luv, you will find your life is your own and if you live it only to please them, you are not making yourself happy and will only resent them in the end for it, losing all respect and possibly love for them. Respect them now by living your life to make YOU happy, not them (of course I'm saying this without knowing how old you are and if you are a minor, then they rule lol).

[casie1124]

Perhaps it is more important that you explain more in depth what you want rather than just saying I like to be dominated. That's fairly vague. If I want to talk about something with anyone that I think it's gonna be tough to explain or that I'm not super comfortable talking about, before the conversation I right down points I wanna bring up. After going over them a couple times to myself I feel like I am better able to communicate my needs. Be prepared to outline what it is you mean, what you want, and give him resources in which he can learn more. Tell him that there is no pressure you would just love it if he learned more and could gage how he feels about it. Open and honest lines of communication is always the way to go when it comes to anything you may want in a relationship.

Also, perhaps he is afraid if he takes on that role in your life it will be even harder to resist vaginal intercourse. The vaginal intercourse issue even if it seems to be of little importance probably has more significance than you realize. Is your family also against birth control? Are you? If you have no moral issues yourself against using it perhaps that is an option you can look into. After all you don't have to tell them you are using it. And medical records are private. If you use a form of ************ birth control along with the use of condoms you should have no worry of becoming impregnated.


All the Best
Casie

[stripedangel]

The thought of doing something that most guys are raised not to do these days can't be easy to get past...

and sex is sex, Clinton had that point proven in a court of law. If you're going down on him and he you, it is sex, period. Your family sounds like they've tried to instill alot of good morals in you, but you're grown now, and you've made the choice to have sex. Welcome to the real world.

If you get pregnant, it's absolute proof that you DID have sex out of wedlock....and that is what your family is afraid of. Guess what, darlin, you've already done it. This was YOUR decision to make, and not theirs anyway. Go on and use protection, and stop sidestepping the issue. As mean as it may sound, these are all excuses for you to keep from having to admit (to someone face to face) that you've got a kinky appetite.

If you want to be dominated, say so, and be an adult. If you can't do that....then you should wait a while before you submit.

Are you living at home with your parents?

[Mr.FixIt]

Please, tell us all how old you are. You can lie, but why? From what I've seen in this site, no one is judgemental, and I am quite certain that a lot of us want to give you the BEST advice for your situation. I, also, have a thread seeking advice form these folks. I have a lot of advice from my own experiences as a man/Dom, but I am not yet comfortable sharing with you. A little more about yourself please? What makes you feel that you want to be dominated, why are you not interested in dominating? Step out, explain please.

[silver9]

First off, thanks everyone for all the advice :)

I'm 18 at the moment, and still living at home, but I will be moving out soon; and with the whole marriage thing, being so young it's not really in the equation at the moment, but I wouldn't be in the relationship if I didn't think it could have a future ;)

[Mr.FixIt]

Move out, experience life, and then decide what you want.

[tessa]

At that moment, we took ownership of each other.
I love how you stated that! That's it exactly!


Move out, experience life, and then decide what you want.
I'm adding "be careful and thoughtful in all you do", but yeah, what Mr.FixIt said.

All the best to you!

:wave:

[Ozme52]

Here's what I've heard you say.

You're inexperienced.
He's inexperienced.
You want to be dominated but it's about a feeling and you aren't sure what or how to ask. That's okay, you're inexperienced.
You're concerned about pressuring him. That's okay too.
He's unsure about what you want because you're both inexperienced.

All the advice about open communication is great and correct... but you're both inexperienced, you don't know what to talk about.

You can do a lot of self-education, and get a lot of advice online to boot, but the bottom line is you're trying to do this in isolation.

You need a mentor. Male or female, sub or dom/me, doesn't matter. Online is doable but as you are in a "real life'/in-the-flesh/face-to-face relationship, an in-the-flesh mentor would be preferable.

I suggest you and your partner find a local munch group and attend together, find a women's group or a sub group for yourself, and start talking, listening and learning. Find someone you find sympathetic and willing to assist/mentor you.

If you're lucky, you can find someone both of you can relate to.
-------------

One more thing. As tessa and Mr. F point out, you are very young with a lot of life ahead of you. There is NO rush. Anything you decide while you still live at home is likely to undergo an evolution of thought once you're on your own. If you perceive college in your future, the time spent there will be different yet, from both before and after college.

Take your time and enjoy the journey.