Could you go back?

[casie1124]

So if tomorrow your dom, or domme which ever the case maybe decided they no longer wanted a d/s relationship would you be able to conduct a vanilla relationship with them?

I ask simply because this is what happened to me. I had been collared to my husband for a very long time when one day he woke up and decided he no longer wanted. We still have kinky sex. I'm trying my best, but I have a deep seeded resentment against him for doing this. I feel betrayed. I'm just not sure if I can live like this and be truly happy. Perhaps love and devotion isn't enough? Are these natural feelings you can imagine you would experience in the same situation or am I being selfish only looking at my own needs?

[sidhewolf]

So if tomorrow your dom, or domme which ever the case maybe decided they no longer wanted a d/s relationship would you be able to conduct a vanilla relationship with them?

I ask simply because this is what happened to me. I had been collared to my husband for a very long time when one day he woke up and decided he no longer wanted. We still have kinky sex. I'm trying my best, but I have a deep seeded resentment against him for doing this. I feel betrayed. I'm just not sure if I can live like this and be truly happy. Perhaps love and devotion isn't enough? Are these natural feelings you can imagine you would experience in the same situation or am I being selfish only looking at my own needs?

This happened to me with First *M*, though not the same way or for the same reasons. Just one day He decided it was best to Release me. It was Very traumatic for me. Several months later and after Collaring with Master now, First *M* tried to come and Take me back. Firstly, I was Collared with Someone else. And that was Dis-Respectful. But, He had already lost my Trust before that, by making a decision that so obviously did not Consider what was best for me. I wouldn't have gone back even if there hadn't been Master now. Trust was broken.

I don't think you are "being selfish" to consider your own needs and feelings in this. Apparently you must, as they are not being considered for you.

<Huggs>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[Warbaby1943]

So if tomorrow your dom, or domme which ever the case maybe decided they no longer wanted a d/s relationship would you be able to conduct a vanilla relationship with them?

I ask simply because this is what happened to me. I had been collared to my husband for a very long time when one day he woke up and decided he no longer wanted. We still have kinky sex. I'm trying my best, but I have a deep seeded resentment against him for doing this. I feel betrayed. I'm just not sure if I can live like this and be truly happy. Perhaps love and devotion isn't enough? Are these natural feelings you can imagine you would experience in the same situation or am I being selfish only looking at my own needs?I really can't answer from a sub's perspective but I can certainly answer from a human point of view. My answer would be I would hope that your marriage was based more on love for each other than on BDSM activities. If that is not the case it may have been doomed from the start. Sorry to be so blunt but I do believe that love has to be first and foremost in any marriage for it to have even a fighting chance to survive all of today's temptations.

[casie1124]

I really can't answer from a sub's perspective but I can certainly answer from a human point of view. My answer would be I would hope that your marriage was based more on love for each other than on BDSM activities. If that is not the case it may have been doomed from the start. Sorry to be so blunt but I do believe that love has to be first and foremost in any marriage for it to have even a fighting chance to survive all of today's temptations.

Well of course we've been together almost 6 years and not even married two. It was probably a year anda half in before we got into bdsm. So there was defintally love there first.

[stripedangel]

Wow, i'm sorry, casie. Damn, i dunno what to tell you. i suppose i could go back if i really had to, but i can't say i'd be happy.

[cadence]

I asked this question once before, but in a different context.
I couldn't fathom how people could sit there and tell others that if you can't have a D/s relationship with your significant other than you should forget about what you want and stay in the relationship if you love them.
I believe that people who say this haven't been there and don't know what it feels like.

I honestly don't think I would want to go back and if I had the opportunity to go forward I would take it in a second.

I live a small existance of D/s within my own relationship, but there are times when I want more and yes it does lead to being resentful and bitter at times.


If you are feeling bitter and resentful about it, trust me the feelings don't go away all that easily, and you won't be able to move foward at all.

[butterflySlave4u]

i have to agree with stripedangel...knowing what i know now, and feeling what i feel...if the love was there, i would certainly feel committed to the relationship, but i can't say i'd be truly in-my-soul happy..

[angelic.zest]

im truly sorry as well cassie..

i don't know if i could go back, but love should be unconditional right? Sometimes we all forget when we've found someone we feel comfy, have fallen in love with, even if it is 'nilla. Everyone is different, im pretty sure i wouldnt be able to go back, once we've started and ive had my taste at being submissive, knowing that its not something that everyone cant just turn off and on...when they feel like it.


hope all works out for you, cassie...i would probably talk to him,and see where he stands on you getting a Dominant(when ur ready for that)

[lily27]

Are you sure it is all gone forever? Sometimes interest in BDSM ebbs and flows, just as interest in sex ebbs and flows within the confines of a long term relationship. Doesn't mean it is gone forever.... just that life gets in the way for a while. And sometimes it takes a little bit of extra effort to get things kick started again.

If Master woke up one day and announced he was going to be vanilla from now on, I have to say I would be a little bit shocked to begin with. But we started our relationship from an M/s perspective... it is quite defining as to who we are as a couple. And I think we have enough knowledge/experience to know that where we are, is where we want to be.

You said you had a relationship before adding BDSM. Can I ask who sparked the interest there? Maybe his level of interest has never been as high as yours. You say that you are still having kinky sex.... so perhaps that is the level of kink he is comfortable with.

Relationships.... all relationships.... involve compromise. Be honest with him and tell him what your needs are. Encourage him to share his, and really listen. Find a happy medium that keeps you both happy and satisfied.

[casie1124]

Are you sure it is all gone forever? Sometimes interest in BDSM ebbs and flows, just as interest in sex ebbs and flows within the confines of a long term relationship. Doesn't mean it is gone forever.... just that life gets in the way for a while. And sometimes it takes a little bit of extra effort to get things kick started again.

If Master woke up one day and announced he was going to be vanilla from now on, I have to say I would be a little bit shocked to begin with. But we started our relationship from an M/s perspective... it is quite defining as to who we are as a couple. And I think we have enough knowledge/experience to know that where we are, is where we want to be.

You said you had a relationship before adding BDSM. Can I ask who sparked the interest there? Maybe his level of interest has never been as high as yours. You say that you are still having kinky sex.... so perhaps that is the level of kink he is comfortable with.

Relationships.... all relationships.... involve compromise. Be honest with him and tell him what your needs are. Encourage him to share his, and really listen. Find a happy medium that keeps you both happy and satisfied.


I can't remember who sparked the interest really I think it was kind of mutual, as our relationship became more serious we just kind of fell into those roles then discovered there was a name for it, and many more things we could do and experience. Once we discovered the D/s in this since he pretty much took the reins.

Yeah I've tried to explain the whole compromise thing with him. He doesn't want to hear it and doesn't want to hear anything about it period. He is so damn stubern. Which in turn makes me frustrated and causes many arguments.

Blah, I'm at a loss really.

[lily27]

It looks to me like that is what it comes down to.

Could I live without BDSM? Probably.

Could I live with someone who refuses to communicate, won't acknowledge my needs, and expects me to turn into someone I am not? Probably not.

[Ozme52]

I really can't answer from a sub's perspective but I can certainly answer from a human point of view. My answer would be I would hope that your marriage was based more on love for each other than on BDSM activities. If that is not the case it may have been doomed from the start. Sorry to be so blunt but I do believe that love has to be first and foremost in any marriage for it to have even a fighting chance to survive all of today's temptations.

Yes but even if one falls in love at first sight, it still grows. Based on cassie's next post...


Well of course we've been together almost 6 years and not even married two. It was probably a year anda half in before we got into bdsm. So there was defintally love there first.

She was in a D/s relationship with him for 2 1/2 years before they committed to marry. Unless they were already engaged before then, the man she made the commitment to was the man who was dominating her for 2 1/2 years.

Marriage is a partnership, a contract, but he has apparently made a unilateral decision. Though we don't know their specific vows, even the standard vows don't include 'even should he change his mind'.

I have no doubt if cassie had come here and told us that after 4 years of dating and 2 years of marriage, her vanilla husband woke up one day and declared her his slave, our advice would be he has no right to do that. If he forces you, leave. So how is this different? Do we, as lifestylers have less rights than non-lifestylers?



im truly sorry as well cassie..

i don't know if i could go back, but love should be unconditional right?

My dog gives me "unconditional love". I think it's pollyannish to impose that on humans because of an ideal we get from literature...


Sometimes we all forget when we've found someone we feel comfy, have fallen in love with, even if it is 'nilla. Everyone is different, im pretty sure i wouldnt be able to go back, once we've started and ive had my taste at being submissive, knowing that its not something that everyone cant just turn off and on...when they feel like it.


hope all works out for you, cassie...i would probably talk to him,and see where he stands on you getting a Dominant(when ur ready for that)

That would be my take... (but then I'm not a monogamist.) But it strikes me as unlikely if he has made the decision unilaterally and doesn't want to discuss it.

[TomOfSweden]

Casie, I suggest moving on. This guy helped you in figuring out what you want. By having this relationship he also figured out that he didn't like it. We all have to go through this trial and error thing in relationships.

I don't think you should have resentment toward your ex-master. He's just being human, and you can't blame a human doing what ordinary humans do.

But you should move on. You obviously need to be a collared slave, and you ain't getting it with this guy. End it. Tell him you still love him and you think he's a great guy, but it just isn't enough for you.

You're also wasting his time now. He wants a woman who's needs he can fulfil. He obviously can't fulfil your needs without doing violence to his nature. So much he figured out in your earlier relationship.

Do the right thing for both of you... just end it. Find another guy. A guy who will fill all your needs.

Maybe the search will lead you to realise that the guy you have now is a gem worth keeping, maybe? But you'll never know unless you find out. and you'll never do that by keeping this relationship.

[gemmy]

Casie, I suggest moving on. This guy helped you in figuring out what you want. By having this relationship he also figured out that he didn't like it. We all have to go through this trial and error thing in relationships.

I don't think you should have resentment toward your ex-master. He's just being human, and you can't blame a human doing what ordinary humans do.

But you should move on. You obviously need to be a collared slave, and you ain't getting it with this guy. End it. Tell him you still love him and you think he's a great guy, but it just isn't enough for you.

You're also wasting his time now. He wants a woman who's needs he can fulfil. He obviously can't fulfil your needs without doing violence to his nature. So much he figured out in your earlier relationship.

Do the right thing for both of you... just end it. Find another guy. A guy who will fill all your needs.

Maybe the search will lead you to realise that the guy you have now is a gem worth keeping, maybe? But you'll never know unless you find out. and you'll never do that by keeping this relationship.


Sorry to be completely selfish but I'm with Tom on this, I think once opened and realized, there is no going back - and it's crap to stay in a relationship because of what it 'used' to be or might be again (that's like using the age old "I only stayed for the children" bullsh*t line - please!) - it changed, evolved into what it was and it met both their needs, it isn't anymore and to cling to what was is a complete waste of precious happiness

[DowntownAmber]

There have been several folks that have mentioned that love should come first, should be unconditional, so on and so forth (I'm paraphrasing for the sake of expediancy here). True enough, I agree with these statements.

However, for a lot of folks in the Lifestyle I would venture to say that our BDSM activities are more than an "add on" to the love and trust we share with our partner, those activities are an expression of it. If J-Go were to throw in the proverbial towel on Domming tomorrow, my first thought would be to wonder what deeper issue exists, not to simply to mourn the loss of my kinky sex activities. For us, I would think there would be larger issues at stake affecting the whole of our relationship. I don't know if I'd feel betrayed or resentful per se, but like the OP I would certainly be questioning things.

To move forward, sometimes backtracking is required. So, to the OP I would suggest taking the focus off the symptom and seeing if there is another issue at the source. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't, but it's worthwhile to look, right?

[casie1124]

Casie, I suggest moving on. This guy helped you in figuring out what you want. By having this relationship he also figured out that he didn't like it. We all have to go through this trial and error thing in relationships.

I don't think you should have resentment toward your ex-master. He's just being human, and you can't blame a human doing what ordinary humans do.

But you should move on. You obviously need to be a collared slave, and you ain't getting it with this guy. End it. Tell him you still love him and you think he's a great guy, but it just isn't enough for you.

You're also wasting his time now. He wants a woman who's needs he can fulfil. He obviously can't fulfil your needs without doing violence to his nature. So much he figured out in your earlier relationship.

Do the right thing for both of you... just end it. Find another guy. A guy who will fill all your needs.

Maybe the search will lead you to realise that the guy you have now is a gem worth keeping, maybe? But you'll never know unless you find out. and you'll never do that by keeping this relationship.

While I completely understand what you are saying and where you are coming from, it's not so black and white for me. I take marriage very seriously. I have invested a lot of time and effort into a relationship with someone I do truly care about. Thats hard to abruptly walk away from. At least not until there is open communication about what is really going on and if any compromises are possible. Which is apparently finally happening tonight, thank goodness.

[Warbaby1943]

While I completely understand what you are saying and where you are coming from, it's not so black and white for me. I take marriage very seriously. I have invested a lot of time and effort into a relationship with someone I do truly care about. Thats hard to abruptly walk away from. At least not until there is open communication about what is really going on and if any compromises are possible. Which is apparently finally happening tonight, thank goodness.That is great. Hope all works out well for you.

[casie1124]

I don't know if I'd feel betrayed or resentful per se, but like the OP I would certainly be questioning things.



those feeling come from the lack of communication and refusal to do so. We have always been very open and honest about everything. We've never been the type to let a problem just sit in the back of our minds. We've always discussed and and compromised on any issues in our relationship that was bothersome to either of us. Thats why all of this is so hard for me to understand. With out those things this relationship wouldn't have lasted 6 years. Those are very important things that he has been until today unwilling to give to me. I resent him for not giving me the same courtesy I have given him which is honesty and communication in all things. I feel like he has betrayed my trust.

[Warbaby1943]

I resent him for not giving me the same curiosity I have given him which is honesty and communication in all things. I feel like he has betrayed my trust.
Don't mean to be a stickler but I think you mean courtesy

[casie1124]

Finally communication is coming. After trying to bring it up last night and having a blow out, I convinced him to go out to dinner tonight and talk. Hopefully, I can figure out what the hell is going on. Thank you all so much for the advice and support I truly appericate it. I will be sure to update you in the coming days.

[Warbaby1943]

Finally communication is coming. After trying to bring it up last night and having a blow out, I convinced him to go out to dinner tonight and talk. Hopefully, I can figure out what the hell is going on. Thank you all so much for the advice and support I truly appericate it. I will be sure to update you in the coming days.Again, all the best of luck and I hope you get all you want and more as long as it brings you happiness.

[casie1124]

Don't mean to be a stickler but I think you mean courtesy

Haha thanks I was going through spell check extremely fast I'm multitasking... should probably pay more attention next time.

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

Truly sorry to hear you're having to go through this casie. However, as Tom and several others have said, unless there is a way to work this out between the two of you, it may be best to move on.

Speaking from personal experience only, once you discover and explore your submissive nature, it is difficult to go back to vanilla. I tried it. And you won't die or anything, but the consistancy of not having your needs met, and the continued (in my case) attempts to keep him happy began to cause major resentments. As the years passed, the resentments grew. Communication dwindled. He was happy as a lark and i was completely miserable. No matter how many times i told him that i needed more, he wasn't hearing me. So, after much time that i can never get back or relive, we ended up going our seperate ways. If i had been smarter, or more assertive about what's important to me, i would not have spent as much time in a relationship that was pretty much doomed when the communication died.

No one can tell you what is right for you. Only you know that. But if you are already feeling resentful you need to at least try to sit him down and explain to him exactly how important this is to you. Again, speaking only from my own experience, i tend to shy away from confrontational subjects and have a difficult time anyway asking for what i need. Sometimes i wonder that if i had 'manned' up so to speak with my 'nilla partner and explained things to him in a clear and concise manner if things would have been different. Knowing what i know now, probably not. But you owe it to both of you to sit him down and tell him that you're feeling resentful and why. That way, at least if things do end between you, you'll know you did everything you could to salvage the relationship.

Good luck and i hope things go well for you. Whatever you decide, i hope you end up happy.

[DowntownAmber]

those feeling come from the lack of communication and refusal to do so. We have always been very open and honest about everything. We've never been the type to let a problem just sit in the back of our minds. We've always discussed and and compromised on any issues in our relationship that was bothersome to either of us. Thats why all of this is so hard for me to understand. With out those things this relationship wouldn't have lasted 6 years. Those are very important things that he has been until today unwilling to give to me. I resent him for not giving me the same curiosity I have given him which is honesty and communication in all things. I feel like he has betrayed my trust.

Ah, that I understand. I wanted to clarify by my post if the problem was simply something sexual or, like you expressed, a deeper breach of feeling and trust. I hope dinner goes well and the two of you start to get things back on track!

[gemmy]

Truly sorry to hear you're having to go through this casie. However, as Tom and several others have said, unless there is a way to work this out between the two of you, it may be best to move on.

Speaking from personal experience only, once you discover and explore your submissive nature, it is difficult to go back to vanilla. I tried it. And you won't die or anything, but the consistancy of not having your needs met, and the continued (in my case) attempts to keep him happy began to cause major resentments. As the years passed, the resentments grew. Communication dwindled. He was happy as a lark and i was completely miserable. No matter how many times i told him that i needed more, he wasn't hearing me. So, after much time that i can never get back or relive, we ended up going our seperate ways. If i had been smarter, or more assertive about what's important to me, i would not have spent as much time in a relationship that was pretty much doomed when the communication died.

No one can tell you what is right for you. Only you know that. But if you are already feeling resentful you need to at least try to sit him down and explain to him exactly how important this is to you. Again, speaking only from my own experience, i tend to shy away from confrontational subjects and have a difficult time anyway asking for what i need. Sometimes i wonder that if i had 'manned' up so to speak with my 'nilla partner and explained things to him in a clear and concise manner if things would have been different. Knowing what i know now, probably not. But you owe it to both of you to sit him down and tell him that you're feeling resentful and why. That way, at least if things do end between you, you'll know you did everything you could to salvage the relationship.

Good luck and i hope things go well for you. Whatever you decide, i hope you end up happy.

I've so been there *shakes head* and it's where my standpoint comes from as well ;)

[TomOfSweden]

While I completely understand what you are saying and where you are coming from, it's not so black and white for me. I take marriage very seriously. I have invested a lot of time and effort into a relationship with someone I do truly care about. Thats hard to abruptly walk away from. At least not until there is open communication about what is really going on and if any compromises are possible. Which is apparently finally happening tonight, thank goodness.

I've been in your shoes, so I know what you're going through. I broke up with my ex-wife/ex-slave after 6,5 years, most of it as married. When we married, she was the woman of my dreams. When we broke up, she wasn't. I had invested a tremendous amount into that relationship, and we both took it very seriously. We had serious plans for what to do when we retired and what to do with the kids we were going to get. Our mistake was that we tried to work out our differences until the love was gone. We ruined what we had. We're not friends now. We're not enemies, it's just meh.... I don't know if it would have been different if we'd broken up when it was salvageable.

Yes, talking is the solution.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

That is a very tough choice to make and I don't envy your position at all, cassie! I love my Master a great deal, more than I have ever loved anyone. I've known Him for 9 years, 8 of them as His sub and 7 1/2 as His wife. But I love BDSM as well. And I couldn't give that aspect of my life up. I might stay with Him as His wife, but I would not be happy in O/our sex life at all if He wanted to suddenly become vanilla. I'm afraid though, that if that did happen, the situation between U/us would deteriorate so badly that W/we would lose whatever love and desire was between U/us.

My submissive nature is not something that can be turned on and off. It's not me asking Master if W/we can turn the lights off before W/we have sex. And my need for pain doesn't work that way either. I recently admitted to myself that I HAVE to have pain before and during sex. I eroticize the pain, which is definitely nothing unusual in this lifestyle. And to think of sex without pain, just won't work for me. To imagine NOT submitting to Master, for Him NOT to dominate me, also will not work for me.

I wish W/we here had easy answers for you, cassie. W/we can't tell you what to do, of course. W/we can only make suggestions and have you make your own decision. I do hope that whatever you do decide that it is the right decision for you, that it is one that will make you happy and it won't be one that you come to regret (either way that you decide to go).

[Mr.FixIt]

I've been in your shoes, so I know what you're going through. I broke up with my ex-wife/ex-slave after 6,5 years, most of it as married. When we married, she was the woman of my dreams. When we broke up, she wasn't. I had invested a tremendous amount into that relationship, and we both took it very seriously. We had serious plans for what to do when we retired and what to do with the kids we were going to get. Our mistake was that we tried to work out our differences until the love was gone. We ruined what we had. We're not friends now. We're not enemies, it's just meh.... I don't know if it would have been different if we'd broken up when it was salvageable.

Yes, talking is the solution.

Talking is the solution. As you may know my slave and I are fairly new to this lifestyle. When she has failed to meet my expectations, I also backslid into our previous method of arguing and playing the blame game. When the arguments got bad I, also, told her that " I'm tired of playing this game--You can't be controlled." I've given up many times--and almost given up on us. Have you done something to provoke this situation that you are in? If he's relatively new to the whole lifestyle, he may just be frustrated and doesn't know how to resolve the argument AND save face for himself. If I am correct in my assumption, apologize to him for your mistakes and specify to him how you will improve. If I am not correct, then I have been wrong four times this month and I have exceeded my quota (coined a phrase!)!