A Poem [Archive] - BDSM Library

silkangel

04-24-2004, 08:54 PM

This is a poem I wrote, I'd really like some feed back on it :) and I need a title :confused:

Waiting for just a touch, longing for just a look
Bringing me close to the edge, backing off, my body it shook
Bound and helpless, except for a word,
I never felt safer, as your voice I heard

"My little one, you are so loved and of you I am so proud"
I would do anything to please you Master, I silently vowed
I felt your fingers caress my back, my neck, and my face
Before the whip lashed out, to send me to that place

The pain is such agony, but oh so exquisite
My eyes they get glazed as my mind it does visit
A place so few has gone, a place only a sub would know
You've sent me there often, and when I come back, I come back all a glow

I heard it said, my place is to obey and to please you
but I never knew pleasing you, could please me so much too
Your touch, your voice, even your punishments I treasure
Just being with you, gives me the utmost pleasure

At night when you wrap your arms around me and hold my body close to you
I can't help but silently wonder, "just who really masters who?"

Morrighan

04-24-2004, 10:18 PM

Blunt criticism first: the rhyme seems forced in places and the rhythm is off in a few lines. I can see why you inverted the wording in a few places, but it doesn't really help that much--rather than being poetic, it's just confusing. I do, however, like the two dialogue lines very much, and the question at the end is wonderful. The two most important things I can tell you is to avoid passive verbs, and to avoid modifiers whenever possible. Modifiers are usually -ly words, but they are also words like "just." They take up space and don't really convey much. Lastly, there are a lot of places where you used double nouns, and I'm not sure why. "Body it shook," for example. It throws off your rhythm more often than it helps. In case the below is confusing, the first stanza is yours, the second my suggestions, and so forth.

"Waiting for just a touch, longing for just a look
Bringing me close to the edge, backing off, my body it shook
Bound and helpless, except for a word,
I never felt safer, as your voice I heard"

Waiting for a touch, longing for a look,
Retreating from the edge, as my body shook,
Bound, I was, and helpless, warded by a word,
Though I've never felt safer, your voice I heard:

" "My little one, you are so loved and of you I am so proud"
I would do anything to please you Master, I silently vowed
I felt your fingers caress my back, my neck, and my face
Before the whip lashed out, to send me to that place"

"My little one, I love you...you make me so proud."
I'd cut my heart out if You asked, silently I vowed.
Your fingers danced across my back--Your hands, my neck, my face...
Before the whip lashed out, and sent me to that place.

"The pain is such agony, but oh so exquisite
My eyes they get glazed as my mind it does visit
A place so few has gone, a place only a sub would know
You've sent me there often, and when I come back, I come back all a glow"

Agony and fire, but nothing so exquisite
Crimson fills unseeing eyes as I fall to the place I visit
A place so few have gone; only one such as I would know
The pain and the pleasure, and the line that makes me glow.

"I heard it said, my place is to obey and to please you
but I never knew pleasing you, could please me so much too
Your touch, your voice, even your punishments I treasure
Just being with you, gives me the utmost pleasure"

You whisper to me now, that I am to obey, and please you,
But in this painful servitude, I find fulfillment, too.
Your touch and voice, ungentle hands, all of these I treasure,
To feel them cut the air about me delivers boundless pleasure.

"At night when you wrap your arms around me and hold my body close to you
I can't help but silently wonder, "just who really masters who?" "

Sated, we lie together--you draw me close to you,
Basking in the afterglow, I wonder, "Who really masters who?"

All that said, I hope the thoroughness of my critique does not offend you. I was trained to critique this way and there is nothing personal intended. In my alterations, if you will, the only thing that I would change overall is the repetition of "place"--it's too nonspecific. I did not, however, want to go that far with your work--it is your work after all, and very fine work, too. :) Title? "Mastered"

Morrighan