Trouble coping with real life?

[Guest011909]

I have found that ever since the slave in me was discovered (it was last summer. I was kinky before but didn't realize and/or accept how kinky)anyway - ever since the slave in me was discovered, I have had a hard time coping with real life. I was introduced to the idea of being someone's slave, and then the relationship didn't end up working out. Ever since then, I have felt like someone performed open heart surgery on me, but then never closed me back up and left me on the operating table. It makes me desperate to find a master - and I realize desperation is never helpful. I just wondered if others have felt this way and/or if anyone might have some advice. Thank you!

[Tojo]

Yeah desperation is definitely not helpful! That'll get you into all sorts of trouble...:eek:

I can tell you for a fact that you're not alone- I've spoken to many subs who want nothing less than a formal D/s relationship. Some who are in a relationship, but the guy isn't dominant or confident enough.

There's no advice anyone can give you, apart from doing as you are- talking about how you feel. Post away, PM people, try the chatroom if it works for you, & know that you're not alone.

Good luck & let us know how it goes. :wave:

[Euryleia]

I feel for you, pet. I understand that when a new world is opened up for us, we want to just sink ourselves into sensation. I would caution you, however, to not make decisions out of desperation. You can want something so badly, that you put yourself in a dangerous or unhealthy situation. Finding a good Master/Mistress takes time.

Tojo is right that you are not alone. Go to chat rooms and browse in forums like these to find others to whom you can talk. Listen to their experiences and learn from those who have found what they're looking for.

Good luck in your search.

[Warbaby1943]

Take your time and be extremely cautious in your choices especially when you are feeling desperate. Maybe the next one will be more caring and stay around if you take the time to make the right choice. Many can offer advise and support but only you can make the choice that is right for you, so keep that in mind also. Good luck.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

Please listen to the others and do NOT jump into a relationship simply out of desperation. There is an old saying that hungry people make poor shoppers, which is very true. If you go grocery shopping when you're hungry you start tossing whatever looks good to you in your cart, only to get home and find out that the stuff you bought is really no good for you. You bought it to satisfy your hunger, but the stuff was loaded with calories, sugar and fats, stuff you don't need.

The same thing applies to Doms. There are plenty out there that are the equivalent of junk food and no good for you. Been there, done that. Looking for the right Dom takes time and patience and persistence on your part. Read through the forums. Come visit U/us in the chat room. Browse through the personal ads here. Don't give off signals that you are desperate or the sharks will eat you up and spit you out. Remember that just because someone has "Master" or "Dom" or "Sir" or some other title in his name, doesn't mean that he is genuine. Anyone can add a title to his name, particularly when he's never owned a slave in his life.

Remember the words of Sgt. Esterhaus from Hill Street Blues: "Let's be careful out there!"

[annie]

I have found that ever since the slave in me was discovered (it was last summer. I was kinky before but didn't realize and/or accept how kinky)anyway - ever since the slave in me was discovered, I have had a hard time coping with real life. I was introduced to the idea of being someone's slave, and then the relationship didn't end up working out. Ever since then, I have felt like someone performed open heart surgery on me, but then never closed me back up and left me on the operating table. It makes me desperate to find a master - and I realize desperation is never helpful. I just wondered if others have felt this way and/or if anyone might have some advice. Thank you!

I understand how you are feeling. What I have found... is decide what you want/need in a dominate and then stick to your guns in trying to find that in a person. Even when you get desperate if you revisit that list and determine what you can settle for based on what you truly want you can find that the list helps to prevent a reaction out of the "desperates."

Past that... how to actually deal in real life... all I can say is, the best you can and just don't give up... you are worth it!

[Guest011909]

Thank you for your support everyone.

[gustaf]

I feel a bit that way now...similar situation. First D/s relationship, I didn't call it that, just enjoyed the play. How and why the relationship ended I'll save for someother time, but do understand the searching. I suppose that's why I'm here too.

[nighttimestar]

I believe that there are a lot of people searching for a an alternative relationship such as one like this. I know I am. And I want and crave it. So I talk to different people get more ideas of what i want and what i am looking for. I have my limits of what i don't want, and want and it just keeps growing. Which for me is a good thing b/c i don't settle until i get exactly what i want... :D

[violetgem]

Ever since then, I have felt like someone performed open heart surgery on me, but then never closed me back up and left me on the operating table. It makes me desperate to find a master - and I realize desperation is never helpful. I just wondered if others have felt this way and/or if anyone might have some advice. Thank you!

sounds like a broken heart, or even just missing the connection you felt which also fits under the "broken heart" category. Ending a relationship is (usually) never easy and hard to cope with and move on. And it seems like you understand that jumping into a relationship will not replace the feelings and emotions from before and in the end can make it even harder for you. I agree that you should use this time to learn more about yourself and talk to more people and make new connections. And remember, no matter how you look at it or in what aspect the relationship is in "breaking up is hard to do".
~violetgem~

[Borgs_slave]

Sounds like you are in the frenzy stage right now. You have discovered this new and wonderful thing and want to experience it all the time. The reality is that bills have to be paid, kids have to cared for and jobs have to gone to. Realizing that you have a long time to discover and grow will help you calm down a bit. Don't find a dominant out of desperation because that will cause disaster. Take your time and find someone compatible with you.:gl

[Thrasher]

Hey guys:
What is a bad Dom?
Are we talking about a bad person that just happens to be a Dom in D/s relationships?

Your experiences, please.

[Ozme52]

Please listen to the others and do NOT jump into a relationship simply out of desperation. There is an old saying that hungry people make poor shoppers, which is very true. If you go grocery shopping when you're hungry you start tossing whatever looks good to you in your cart, only to get home and find out that the stuff you bought is really no good for you. You bought it to satisfy your hunger, but the stuff was loaded with calories, sugar and fats, stuff you don't need.

The same thing applies to Doms. There are plenty out there that are the equivalent of junk food and no good for you. Been there, done that. Looking for the right Dom takes time and patience and persistence on your part. Read through the forums. Come visit U/us in the chat room. Browse through the personal ads here. Don't give off signals that you are desperate or the sharks will eat you up and spit you out. Remember that just because someone has "Master" or "Dom" or "Sir" or some other title in his name, doesn't mean that he is genuine. Anyone can add a title to his name, particularly when he's never owned a slave in his life.

Remember the words of Sgt. Esterhaus from Hill Street Blues: "Let's be careful out there!"

The Hungry Shopper analogy rocks sisterh, and is so true. Those who jump at the first chance rarely find themselves happy and such relationships go on the rocks all too soon.

[cadence]

Hey guys:
What is a bad Dom?
Are we talking about a bad person that just happens to be a Dom in D/s relationships?

Your experiences, please.

In correlation to this post I think that there are two types bad Doms.

The first, and I wouldn't even call them Doms are the ones who seek out the desparate lonely submissive and take advantage of thier need to submit and be controlled.
These types of Doms are trolls really, some take advantage of a submissives willingness to please for thier own self gratification. Some think the power exchange is really all about how much power they can exert over the relationship.

There are some Doms who are genuine but thier drawback is thier unwillingness to learn and grow with the sub. They only know one way and it is always thier way. They will never take the time to learn how to develop a good working relationship, and to teach the submissive how to learn and grow.

The second type of Dom is not what I would call a bad Dominant, but one that is not compatible.
There are a great many wonderful Dominants out there, but they are not always compatible to what a submissive needs.

I know that when I was feeling desparate and wanted to submit badly I found a Dom that was willing to do that for me.

Although we got along quite well, he just couldn't really provide me with what I really wanted. I could have continued along and would have been able to submit to him, but in the end, I felt I was being deceitful.
He wasn't a bad Dom, we got along very well, and I learned many things from him. Even though I could submit to him, I wasn't getting what I really needed.

So while a submissive can feel the strong urge to submit, even the best of Doms cannot fulfill thier needs successfully.
So it takes time, effort and patience to find a Dom with whom you can connect with.

[denuseri]

hang in there pettobecaged, the advice they are giving u is exactly what i could have used when i ran amok looking for a dom a few yrs ago, it would have saved me a lot of pain and savagry if i had had some ppl like these to advise me then,,

as for good and bad dom/dommes, i generally find its kinda like shoes,, some fit some dont, and some look great in the store window but hurt like hell to walk in, so above all take your time in finding the one thats a comfortable right fit for u

[Tojo]

Hey guys:
What is a bad Dom?
Are we talking about a bad person that just happens to be a Dom in D/s relationships?

Your experiences, please.

Check out this thread http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6617&highlight=wannabees

[Daes]

I went through this as soon as I met my first "Dom" in rl. I felt like I was addicted to something, I wanted to experience things Now, I wanted to feel something. It wasn't healthy. It's hard to be patient when you're feeling that kind of anxiety and excitement. For me, the only way to get rid of the feeling was to start Experiencing and start Exploring. Though I was very aware of the fact that, being as new as I was - I needed to prepare myself, do my research, see what I needed to look out for before putting myself out there and meeting people who've been in the lifestyle for far longer than I had.

I'm a romantic, being a sub and being a romantic can land you into difficult situations. So, I had to have realistic expectations if I was going to start meeting people in person. I signed up here and the bondage.com forums. For one, people can and will take advantage, and two everyone goes about their kink Differently. You kinda just have to date around. I met a few people I got along with really well so I kept them as play partners. It was purely sexual because I knew they wouldn't fit me right in a relationship and that's okay too, I was able to get enough experience to start realizing what I loved and what I hated and really begin developing as a sub.

As long as you keep in mind that You are always responsible for You, you'll be fine. Don't trust without having good reason to do so (He's genuine, you trust your intuition etc). Once I met the first few ppl I was comfortable, I wasn't so hasty to play or so impatient to have a D/s relationship. Finding what works for you can take time, just like any normal relationship. And once I started meeting up with ppl in the lifestyle from bondage and collarme.com I was able to make friends too =) This is just my experience. I find collarme a bit better than bondage.com but you may want to try both.

I say go out there and start exploring! Just make sure you got a smart head on ya and don't be gullible. There are plenty of fakes and jerks, but there are Good ppl out there too =) We all gotta start Somewhere. Happy searching! I'm sure you'll be fine.

[Ozme52]

I have found that ever since the slave in me was discovered (it was last summer. I was kinky before but didn't realize and/or accept how kinky)anyway - ever since the slave in me was discovered, I have had a hard time coping with real life. I was introduced to the idea of being someone's slave, and then the relationship didn't end up working out. Ever since then, I have felt like someone performed open heart surgery on me, but then never closed me back up and left me on the operating table. It makes me desperate to find a master - and I realize desperation is never helpful. I just wondered if others have felt this way and/or if anyone might have some advice. Thank you!

Be open to opportunities, but as I and others said previously, don't rush into the first attractive situation that rears its head.

This is one of the times volume is helpful. If you converse in several forums, chat rooms, go to some local munches, and maybe even take a class or two from a near-by bdsm support group, you will meet a lot of people... and will learn to detect and identify the trolls, sharks, and wannabes, as well as the genuine article.

Even then, a lot of communication helps... because there must be a hundred different flavors of the genuine article, many of whom you will find to be tasty.

[sidhewolf]

I have found that ever since the slave in me was discovered (it was last summer. I was kinky before but didn't realize and/or accept how kinky)anyway - ever since the slave in me was discovered, I have had a hard time coping with real life. I was introduced to the idea of being someone's slave, and then the relationship didn't end up working out. Ever since then, I have felt like someone performed open heart surgery on me, but then never closed me back up and left me on the operating table. It makes me desperate to find a master - and I realize desperation is never helpful. I just wondered if others have felt this way and/or if anyone might have some advice. Thank you!

<Huggs> I have worn this skin before years ago, and your desription to me is quite on target in feelings for the most part. Though I was not "desperate to find a Master", I wanted/needed the one I had *I thought*. However, I was sensitized (not sure this is the right word?) by my prediciment, to Accepting things in other Dominants who have interest in me, that were not right for me, and wouldn't work out long term. Fortunantly for me I did not Choose to persue any of those possibilities Knowingly.

I am echoing Others advice here; Take your Time, Meet PPL, Go Places, so you will find Who and What is right for you. Don't let yourself be guided by your need and desire for WIITWD. There will come a Time and a Person right for you. And as One posted on another thread "every moment you spend with one who is not right for you, is another moment away from spending Time with One who is".

Blessings and Patience to You~SidheWolf