So new and so lost

[Pandora's Box]

I'm new here and well, relatively new to everything. I began exploring this side of me about a year and a half ago online and in real life a bit. I've talked to several doms/masters online and a few in real life. I learned a lot about myself and about D/s from them. However... I always kept them at arms length as I was, to put it nicely, a bit dubious about an online attachment.

Well, something unexpected happened a month ago. I was in a yahoo chat room and I met a man (master). We began talking and getting to know each other. For a week we spent until the wee hours of the morning chatting and talking on the phone. He has been nothing but patient and kind to me. He is looking for an online relationship to move into real time. However he has not pressured me or tried to manipulate me in any way.

Anyway, my computer went defunked and for about 2 1/2 weeks I had no private access to a computer. And on top of that, mother nature decided to mess with the building he runs his business out of. He has had to close it for repairs and has been super busy trying to make some repairs and stem the tide of damage.

So even though I have my computer access back, he's been so busy that the time I looked forward to having with him hasn't materialized. We spoke on the phone for about a half hour yesterday and for a couple hours last Thursday. Now here's the part where I feel a bit selfish and whiney, but I can't seem to help it. Today was the one month anniversary of when we met. While I normally don't put any stock in one month marks... he does. And he said we'd be together on that day, but he's not here. And of course it doesn't help he broke a date the other night because he was working late trying to do some damage control.

We've shared many details of our lives, and we are open books to each other. Heh, if I were to compose a list of traits I want and don't want in a man, he seemmingly fulfills most of the list and then throw in a few bonuses. This whole thing has been confusing and yet magical. He makes me feel things I didn't think I could... And sometimes it's annoying as hell because I feel like a lovesick teenager. He's opened up so many avenues and I want to explore them, and indeed am anxious too. Patience has never been my strong point, but I am trying.

The last catch is that he lives across the country. However, neither of us are wedded to our home towns. He has said that if all goes well, then we'll meet in 4-6 months, just depending. Right now the moving thing is in the "we'll cross that bridge when and if we get to it" category.

*sigh* I'm sorry if it seems like I am rambling, but this has been building up inside of me and I don't really have anywhere to turn.

So here I am seemingly involved in an internet relationship and I don't know if I'm crazy or not to do so. I know there are many predators out there, and although I have not gotten any of those vibes from him at all... since it's the internet I still have to wonder if perhaps this is all too good to be true?

Thanks for reading this and for any feedback or opinions you share. :)

[Jones, Nikka]

I am no expert and I really can not put myself completely in your shoes, but I would venture the suggestion of taking little, yet significant steps to get to know each other a bit better.

A first meeting could be arranged without nesessarily implying a major commitment. The long distance complicates things, but in essence, the situation you are in is just like meeting somebody from your own town. Keep the first meetings simple, public and adopt a wait and see atittude.

We all dream of that magical love-at-first-sight fantasy date/meeting but we must also calculate risks and make choices. Approching a new relationship with an open mind does not mean making a blind commitment.

Please take care of yourself.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Speaking from personal experience, internet relationships can be quite a lovely thing. The internet can bridge all sorts of gaps in geography and culture.

My relationship began about five and a half years ago in a chat room. The person I met lived in an entirely different country from me, but we spent months talking and getting to know one another, we finally met, she moved in, the US government said they didn't want her, she moved out, I moved to Canada, we got married, we have a daughter and we've been together ever since.

Online relationships do work. They just require your diligence and patience. Well, pretty much all relationships do.

Don't worry about things too much. Realize that people have lives and, as much as you might be an important part of it, other things also affect their lives. If your partner is very busy, he will only be too happy to get back to you as soon as he can.

And, hey, if you're not meant to be, then the beauty of the internet is that you have 20,000,000 other fish waiting in the virtual sea. LOL

[Pandora's Box]

Thanks Nikka and TG.


(Nikka)
We all dream of that magical love-at-first-sight fantasy date/meeting but we must also calculate risks and make choices. Approching a new relationship with an open mind does not mean making a blind commitment

Yes I know. And that is one thing that is tripping with my mind really badly. I'm not one of these people to get lost in fantasy when it comes to day to day dealings with people. The only imperfections thus far are his damnably busy schedule and his geographic location. Only. Heh. :rolleyes:


(TG)
Online relationships do work. They just require your diligence and patience. Well, pretty much all relationships do.

I appreciate you saying this. It makes me feel like less of a weirdo.


(TG)
Don't worry about things too much. Realize that people have lives and, as much as you might be an important part of it, other things also affect their lives. If your partner is very busy, he will only be too happy to get back to you as soon as he can.

Yes that is very true. And I try to keep myself occupied and positive. Sometimes it's just so hard to reconcile the intensity and flow of the connection with the interuptions of life. Let alone that it is over the internet.

I don't know if I am more scared by the intangibility of the internet or the fact that I don't want this to be a fly by night affair, that I am very serious about this.

[ValKyrie]

I haven't had very good luck with on line relationships having laid my trust at the feet of too many fakes in my time.

However, I know people, many people, who were able to with stand the challenges of beginning their relationship on line and transitioning it into real time.

I wish you the best and can only suggest that you follow your heart. The rest will fall into place.

:)

Val

[Pandora's Box]

Thanks Val. :)

Yeah I've heard all sorts of horror stories of people getting hurt because the picture presented was not remotely accurate. Of course it is my hope that that is not the case here.

Either way, caution is not a bad thing.

[Pandora's Box]

Thank you to all those that lended me your ear. However I wish I had good news to post. Things were going fine and dandy a week ago. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what happened, but something did.

Last Saturday night we spoke, and it was good. I sent him the journal he had me do for him. I haven't heard from him since. Despite a couple of emails and a phone call. The only thing that I can figure is that he read something in the journal that distressed him or freaked him out or something... so... well...

I guess it's over. I can't believe he didn't tell me or contact me or something... I would have never pegged him for a spineless coward. But I don't have much choice now...

So ... yeah. I guess that's that.

:(

[slavelucy]

Thank you to all those that lended me your ear. However I wish I had good news to post. Things were going fine and dandy a week ago. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what happened, but something did.

Last Saturday night we spoke, and it was good. I sent him the journal he had me do for him. I haven't heard from him since. Despite a couple of emails and a phone call. The only thing that I can figure is that he read something in the journal that distressed him or freaked him out or something... so... well...

I guess it's over. I can't believe he didn't tell me or contact me or something... I would have never pegged him for a spineless coward. But I don't have much choice now...

So ... yeah. I guess that's that.

:(

i'm really sorry to hear that Pandora, his behaviour is very poor and it must be very disappointing. i suppose it's possible that something has occurred in his life that is preventing him from contacting you, but i admit it is unlikely that he couldn't have managed a quick email/call. Try not to let it put you off though, put it down to experience and keep smiling, you have a lot to offer.

lucy x

[Pandora's Box]

Thanks Lucy :)

However... this was big. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I don't know how quickly I'll be able to get back on the horse this time.

He had no right to induce these thoughts and feelings within me if he was going to walk away without a word.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel abandoned. I look at the poems and other things he sent me and can't believe what the reality is in front of me. Nothing matches up and nothing makes sense. My intuitions are confused. And so am I.

[slavelucy]

Thanks Lucy :)

However... this was big. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I don't know how quickly I'll be able to get back on the horse this time.

He had no right to induce these thoughts and feelings within me if he was going to walk away without a word.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel abandoned. I look at the poems and other things he sent me and can't believe what the reality is in front of me. Nothing matches up and nothing makes sense. My intuitions are confused. And so am I.

Oh, Pandora..yes, it is very upsetting and disappointing to realise that someone you had feelings for and put a lot of yourself into (emotionally and otherwise) possibly wasn't the person you believed them to be, and, if has so readily let you down then, by definition, he wasn't the person you thought he was. Hence, i can more than understand how hurt you must be and that feeling of 'being kicked in the gut', you need to take some time to look after yourself, there's no need to 'get back on the horse' straight away.

One thing - you are absolutely RIGHT when you say "He had no right to induce these thoughts and feelings within me if he was going to walk away without a word...and you must really focus on that, his behaviour is thoughtless and deeply ignorant and insensitive and it is not, in anyway your fault, regardless of something you may or may not have said in that journal that put his nose out of joint.

*hugs*

lucy x

[Pandora's Box]

One thing - you are absolutely RIGHT when you say "He had no right to induce these thoughts and feelings within me if he was going to walk away without a word...and you must really focus on that, his behaviour is thoughtless and deeply ignorant and insensitive and it is not, in anyway your fault, regardless of something you may or may not have said in that journal that put his nose out of joint.

*hugs*

lucy x

Thank you for saying that. Right now everything is turned upside down for me. I couldn't help but wonder if I was possibly over-reacting. I'm still stunned and I'll be that way for a bit. Some part of me is going to be holding out hope for a day or two. And then... it'll be done and he'll be gone... without a word. And it'll be final.

It just seems like a lose lose situation all the way around. I don't want to learn bitterness. I don't want to learn anger. And I, heaven forbid, don't want to be so wary that I look at men differently.

*sigh*

I'm rambling.

[Katmandu]

Oooh, poor sweetie! Keep the faith, hon, he's out there somewhere....in the meanwhile, glad to see you sticking around here!

[Pandora's Box]

Yes... I'm trying. Some of the shock is wearing off. It's just all so odd. One day it's great, and one day it's not. And with no words of warning in between.

I'm not used to dealing with flakes. Nor did I think he was one... Ahhh but then I must have been mistaken. *sigh*

Well, not much I can do about it. It is a learning curve. Damn whirlwind romances.

And most of all: actions speak louder than words.

[Morphis]

This is sad indeed, so dissapointing. I have experienced something along this line myself, and although not as severe as this, I can imagine how you must feel. I wish I could say something to really make you feel better, but I wouldn't know what. Except that I agree with Lucy: it is not, in any way, your fault. Don't blame yourself.

I wish you good luck and lots of strength.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

So, PB, you didn't here from the guy after Saturday? Do you know why?

Did he really just drop you like a bad habit or is there possibly some other reason?

For instance, is he broke and his internet service got shut off? Did he get into a car accident and break his leg and is now sitting in the hospital in traction? Did he go skydiving and his chute didn't open and he's been splattered all over some farmland somewhere?

Without more information it is hard to tell if the guy really is a skunk or if he might just have a good excuse for not contacting you.

[Pandora's Box]

No. I am utterly clueless. I have no idea whatsoever what happened to him or didn't happen to him. I have however tried contacting 4 different times with 3 different methods. When I left a message for him, his sister did not say anything or act in any way that would suggest he would be unable to return my call.

He just went... *poof*.

But is there really a good excuse for not contacting me for 9 days? It's not like he has no resources.

[Barton]

Absolutely not! A relationship is built on many things. Communicating with each other is the most important thing, especially in any kind of a BDSM relationship. Even if a person feels the need to have solitude to think about things, common courtesy would at least be to say so.
Barton.

[Pandora's Box]

Life is so confusing. Man oh man, if it gets much crazier I think I'm going to hang up my blouses and head for the straight jacket.

The new update.

He did have a reason. And a very good reason. However there is still no excuse. His sister that lives out of state was involved in a serious car accident and he went down to attend to her.

I wrote him a goodbye email to give myself closure and he wrote back explaining what was going on. I haven't taken him back yet. We need to talk first. The last week has solidified the importance of reliability and the necessity of communication.

He's due back on Friday. However, I don't know if we'll be speaking Friday night or not. I told him quite clearly in my message to him that we do need to talk and for him to tell me exactly when he'd be available to speak. I will not spend another night waiting for nothing. It's too hard on me emotionally.

I am glad I did hear from him as at least I know that my intuitions weren't "off". That was throwing me for a loop really badly. If I can't trust my instincts, then what can I trust? Ya know?

Anyway... so it isn't in the crapper. Just yet. I don't want it to be, but I refuse, absolutely refuse, to be jerked along and left wondering when a simple 30 second email could have avoided this entire thing.

Heh, and the final irony: he has yet to read the journal because he's been so damn busy.

[sweetmissy]

I have NO patience either. Of course, I currently have some added complications but- patience can be learned. In fact I'm learning it right now- too many times I have aimed him, written him emails when I was instructed to wait for his reply- It's kind of like pouting, stomping your foot and pushing out your bottom lip- but, trust me- BE PATIENT....avoid the punishment and earn the rewards- Patience is easier to learn that not having contact as punishment= trust me- nothing replaces thos commmands via email that state - "you will wear red undies today and eat such and such"......mmmm--- I wouldn't give that up for anything-

[learningtopleez]

I know I'm rather late in responding to this thread....but it hit so close to home when I came across it, that I just had to write a few words. I am also new to this lifestyle. Actually when I met my Master on-line it was just flirting with a guy I met on another site (it wasn't BDSM related at all!). But he had picked up some things I had written in my profile on that site that made him feel I might be submissive! I didn't even know I had those feelings until he brought them out in me! We chatted on-line a lot at first, then began talking on the phone too! He was and is absolutely amazing! And may I just add.....this man has the sexiest voice I have ever heard and just hearing him speak makes me hot! We have met in person twice (OMG.....it was fabulous!).

Back to the point....he has made me go 13 days without hearing from him either because he was busy with his work, or I had disappointed him or a combination of the two! He gives me the silent treatment and sometimes it can be unbearable! A kind of punishment I guess.

Anyway I hope you worked out things with your Dom as nothing is more wonderful than feeling like a lovestruck teenager (except kneeling at your Masters feet!)

[Dslave]

I have met several Doms and my current Master via the comp. (My current Master actually began as a client of mine.) The most important thing is to have a plan. Chat for six months... or a year even... don't be in a rush. If it is going to happen because it is meant to be it WILL happen without you rushing it. If, after you get to know the person (if the guy won't give you his work or home number... I would drop him like poison) you get a good feeling off of him, arrange to meet. But ALWAYS have a plan. As much as I really felt good about my Master, before we met (and before he was my Master) I told my friend what he was going to be driving and when I was going to be home and if I wasn't home and didn't notify her by the set time she would start looking for the body. lol I mean it, I told her to send out a search party if she didn't hear from me. And, I let him know. Also, I met him in a public place. That is almost a MUST. Even better, during the first meeting, have friends around. (I didn't but it IS a good idea for the first meeting to have a friend or two along.) Once you meet the person, be wise. Get to know them and only after you trust him should you start subbing for him. At least, that is my advice. It must be okay advice because I am still alive and have an INCREDIBLE Master that I went from comp to real life 24/7 with.