How much do your parents/family know?

[fetishdj]

Ok, a spin off from the thread about Christian parents in the religion and philosophy section.

The question put to the forum is:

Do your parents or other members of your family know about your BDSM activities? If so, how did they find out? By accident? Did you tell them? Did it cause ructions? Did you eventually sort it all out or is there still a problem?

If they don't know, would you ever consider telling them? Do you suspect they know anyway? How do you think they'd react?

Interested in any and all opinions, experiences and so on about this topic...

I'll post my own thoughts on it to get us started:

My parents do not know about anything I do with regards to BDSM. I tend to prefer this part of my life to be seperate from my professional and family life so I keep it secret. It is not because I think they will react badly to it, after all they are fairly open minded, but rather that it is something that I like keeping private and secret - as if the secret nature is part of the fantasy.

[_ID_]

Mine do not know. They are conservative and would be judgmental about it. I would rather keep peace within the family than have them know.

[Alex Bragi]

Good topic/post fetishdj.

Mine know absolutely nothing, and that's exactly the way I like it. :)

It has nothing to do with being ashamed or not wanting to 'come out', but more to do with just not wanting to rock the proverbial boat. Life is just so much simpler and easier when my sex life is not out there for them to scrutinise over.

[gagged_Louise]

Nope, mine don't know and I intend to have it stay that way. Like Alex, I feel it would not be worth the cost of "honesty" on seomething that doesn't really touch them and which they would not understand. My parents are divorced and, without being prudish, neither of them have ever been into discussing their sexual lives with me. They feel that the erotic is firmly your own private sector and shouldn't be unduly exposed. If I told my mother she might alsol likely feel that she's failed as a mum because I'm into this - that's wrong, but it would be very hard to get it sorted out.

[Tufty]

No they don't...and I think it's a case of letting sleeping dogs lie! I don't think they need to know and, even if they did, I wouldn't tell them. Besides, I was brought up in a family where anything of a sexual nature was thought of as dirty and disgusting and my mother still hold those views. We aren't what you would call a 'close' family at all and I tend to be the 'black sheep' as well, so it would only make matters worse if I told them.

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

I guess I am lucky. My mom is my best friend and she knows everything about me. She is very cool. I have a couple of friends who know and they are cool as well. No judgement whatsoever.

[butterflySlave4u]

my family, and all of my r/l friends (including my best friend) have no clue about this side of me, and very few online know as well, i could count them on one hand...

and as far as "keeping the secret", yes, of course i do...but then again, it wouldn't be anyones business anyway, even if i was into vanilla missionary sex....can i relate to my vanilla friends when we're giggling in the corner about the vibrator that accidently got left out last night, and my child asked about it as it lay on the nightstand? yes, i can...but do i announce that i used it anally while fantasizing about what Master did to me yesterday with the ice cube and hot wax on my clit?? um, no....

Karen

[lily27]

Of course not. They know Master, and like him quite a lot... but I wouldn't be discussing my sex life with them no matter what we are doing in the bedroom.

People think it is like being gay, and that you have to come "out". But unless you walk around in leather chaps all the time, that simply isn't the case. When you are gay, you have to introduce your family to your same-sex partner... I would suspect most don't sit their parents down and discuss the details of their sex life.

So I have introduced my family to my partner... and they share in the "public" aspects of our lives together... and nobody needs to know the rest.

[Logic1]

Of course not. They know Master, and like him quite a lot... but I wouldn't be discussing my sex life with them no matter what we are doing in the bedroom.

People think it is like being gay, and that you have to come "out". But unless you walk around in leather chaps all the time, that simply isn't the case. When you are gay, you have to introduce your family to your same-sex partner... I would suspect most don't sit their parents down and discuss the details of their sex life.

So I have introduced my family to my partner... and they share in the "public" aspects of our lives together... and nobody needs to know the rest.

This is me but the other way around. They know my gf and our "public" aspects but not the rest since they simply put do not need to know.

I honestly dont think my parents would mind all too much though cause they are pretty open minded and cool about most things but no I wont tell them out of respect to my girl and them and me for that matter.

[Euryleia]

My sister knows, as we have gone toy shopping together. I have never had the discussion with my parents, though. A lot of my friends know, as I write about alternative sexualities in my nonerotic stories and I'm a bit of a feedback whore. ;)

I have some of my BDSM stories posted on my personal website, so if my parents went there, they would see them. If the need arose, I would tell them.

I am not willing to hide who I am from anyone. And by need, I mean someone bad mouthing or making other statements about the perversion of D/s. That's how I came out as a lesbian to the extended family and random strangers--I was not willing to be quiet when derogatory things were said about dykes and faggots. The same goes for talk of Dom/me's being abusers and subbies being brainless puppets.

I did bring one girlfriend home who I was Topping and my father's only comment was how very respectful and polite she seemed. That's all that matters to Southerners.

[gemmy]

Good topic/post fetishdj.

Mine know absolutely nothing, and that's exactly the way I like it. :)

It has nothing to do with being ashamed or not wanting to 'come out', but more to do with just not wanting to rock the proverbial boat. Life is just so much simpler and easier when my sex life is not out there for them to scrutinise over.

Agreed - do vanilla's discuss there sexual activities with us?? I see no reason to flaunt it around - those that want to know will ask. I'm a pretty sexual being and most people know that about me, it's just not something that hides whether I want it to or not lol - as a result, I sometimes get asked and even then I treat the questions like I do with my daughter, small vague answers at first, if they accept it, that's all they wanted to know. If they continue asking, they are ready to hear the answers ;)

[gemmy]

I guess I am lucky. My mom is my best friend and she knows everything about me. She is very cool. I have a couple of friends who know and they are cool as well. No judgement whatsoever.

That's awesome to hear and in my position it's reversed - my daughter and I are very close and she knows about BDSM and my personal tendancies but still it never get's detailed, nor needs to :)

[Phantome]

Well, we don't actually discuss actual activities, but we're also pretty open with regards to sex and sex-related topics. My family is very open-minded and pretty much could care less- they don't know to what extent we enjoy the lifestyle, but they do know DH and I like a bit of kink to spice things up (only because it came up in conversation "yeah, I like anal," or "I could be into..." whatever it is we're talking about). Sex just isn't taboo in pretty much any way with my family. :)

However, my inlaws are another story. They say that they've only had sex once, and that was to have DH (and they're only half-joking....), and they're generally prudish and judgemental about damn near everything there is in the world. They're they types that are totaly ignorant on a subject, then hear Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Rielly yammer about it, then consider themselves experts, with the sole job of converting the world to their beliefs. They are wonderful, loving people, but narrow-minded nonetheless. Needless to say, we pretty much never talk about sex with them (except when the MIL kept dropping by unannounced while we were having sex. About the bajillionth time it happened, we told her she had fuck-dar and needed to call first so we could finish. She was scandalized and embarassed, but at least she could still laugh about it. She calls first now, lol).

As for our friends, none of them really care (the topic has come up before, and everyone's pretty much open-minded and indifferent). The more liberal ones probably have an idea that we enjoy an "explorative" sex life, but we keep it quiet in front of our conservative friends. Generally (and this goes for everyone), if they ask about it, we don't mind talking. But if they are easily offended or don't want to know, we don't volunteer info. That, and we don't parade the lifestyle for anyone- we're not into public displays, so it stays behind closed doors for us. Wow, that was a rambling response to a simple question!
-Phan

[thrall]

The particulars of my day to day life are none of my families business, let alone what goes on in my private life. I plan on keeping it that way.

I could be a murder, embezzler dru.g dealer, thief, or for that matter any sort of bad person................and they would be alright with that. But sex?!?....if it has anything to so with that....and edgy sex too boot......forget about it! Very sad to say ..but there that is.

[DowntownAmber]

My opinion on sharing my sex life with others is the same whether it relates to BDSM or all sex in general: if we're talking about it to enhance understanding and growth and to help a friend or family menber out with thier personal journey so on and so forth, then I'm a pretty open book. If you wanna know for idle curiosity's sakes, I prolly won't share.

I know (by accident) that my parents are of the BDSM leaning, but they prefer to keep that aspect of thier lives private so I don't bother prying or sharing.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

My family doesn't know, even though my mother sees my collar every day. She believes that it is just a choker, as and as fas as I'm concerned, that's all she needs to know. My brother doesn't know what I do, but then again we barely speak to one another, so I'm certainly not going to discuss my sex life with him.

A couple of my friends know that I am a sub, though they don't know the details of my lifestyle. I have been opening up more and more to my best friend, whom I have known for over 25 years. She has recently discovered her kinky side, so we do talk about it (through e-mail, since she lives about three hours away).

I believe that my lifestyle is my business, so I don't openly discuss it with people, except among other kinky people, of course. But I have always been a pretty private person and don't openly advertize myself as kinky (or Pagan, which I am as well).

[donriser]

I'm fortunate to have two families, my family of origin, and my adoptive family. That's a lot of people, several who I'm very close with, but none of them know. I do believe my family of origin would understand since I watched my parents' kinks my whole childhood (I was a curious child), but it feels personal to me. My adoptive family would give all manner of counsel otherwise, no doubt. They love me dearly and are ultra-conservative. We share many of the same values, just express them differently.

I do, however, have a very good vanilla friend with whom I try to be as open as I can be. Sometimes it's hard, but I felt and feel like I need her to keep me grounded, to question and listen and even challenge me.

[fetishdj]

Its interesting to hear of the people who think their parents would accept anything except anything unusual sexually. And also the people who consider it no one's business but their own (the comment about 'do vanilla's talk to us about thier sex life?' is interesting to see and a valid point). The taboos on sex are clearly strong, even among alternative lifestylers.

I do know some vanilla people who are more open about thier sex life, both male and female, but I agree it is rare for anyone to talk openly about sex in a detailed way. I suppose this is why there is such a strong tradition of euphamism and double entendre.

Very fascinating topic, more than I expected when I started it...

[nighttimestar]

My parents were helping me move once and my mom "accidently" found one of my A.N. Roquelaure books. Trying to explain that was a little difficult. My mom is somewhat of snoop and it don't help that she is also very VERY conservative..

[DowntownAmber]

Its interesting to hear of the people who think their parents would accept anything except anything unusual sexually. And also the people who consider it no one's business but their own (the comment about 'do vanilla's talk to us about thier sex life?' is interesting to see and a valid point). The taboos on sex are clearly strong, even among alternative lifestylers.

I do know some vanilla people who are more open about thier sex life, both male and female, but I agree it is rare for anyone to talk openly about sex in a detailed way. I suppose this is why there is such a strong tradition of euphamism and double entendre.

Very fascinating topic, more than I expected when I started it...

To add to this a little... I'm not sure if sex and conversations regarding it are always "taboo." For me, the relationship I have with J-Go has very deep, personal significance both in and out of the bedroom. When we make love, what happens between us is just for us. It is special partialy because it really is just ours. For the depth of the experience, words fail miserably in describing it and often it cheapens it to try.

Taboo? Not always. Personal? Indeed.

[stripedangel]

What little family i have knows, somewhat. i wear a collar, which makes things a bit more difficult to keep secret. It's not something that they ask about, and i don't think they realize that We are in a M/s type of relationship...but they understand that i ask Master for certain permissions that would not be considered normal to vanillas. They know that i belong to Him. Nobody asks any qusetions...i think they're afraid of what i'll tell them for some odd reason!

[Wordsmith]

None of my family know...and I intend to keep it that way. Most (if not all) of my friends know and they are cool with it...a couple of my friends even have started asking my advice about telling their partner they want to explore this "type of thing".

[silverfish]

I Agree with the sentiment that what happens in my private life is just that.

I really don't think that many if any of my family or friends would understand... but then again I may be wrong.

Sex has been openly discussed from one side of the family but I still don't think that they would make the connection.

The thing that that I am most unsure about is that my life long best friend does not know and I am not sure if I should ever tell him or if he would understand?

[stripedangel]

silverfish, i'm in the same boat with my best friend...she knows that i am submissive, i'm just not sure to what extent. i dunno that she would understand. i do know that she would be supportive, even if she thought that what i'm doing is absolutely insane.

[countrystud]

None of my family knows about it. Some of my "girl-friends" know that I like to be bossed around...or told what to do. But I don't think they know about the BDSM, or my foot fetish. I'm just too embarrassed to say anything.

[rooshoe]

My brothers know, or at least one knows and the other has an idea. My oldest brother's then-gf gave him the Joy of Sex deluxe version for Christmas and the three of us (my brothers and myself) were sitting around talking about it. I was flipping through it and made a wise-ass remark about something in there and my oldest brother was like, "You couldn't even imagine what my g/f and I do in bed." My response was, "I bet I can, and then some. You don't even know what I'm into." His response: "You don't even know what I'm into." And my second brother was sitting there, his head switching back and forth between us. It's still pretty funny to this day.

And my mom found my copy of "Different Loving" when I was 16... that was hard to explain...

[MissElizabeth87]

Most of our r/l friends don't know about this at all... It's just too much work to dispel the stigma attached to this lifestyle. From my conversations with more openly sexual friends, they know I have a thing for pain... but not to the true extent that I do. haha.

My mom knows to an extent. I would not have any real problem with her knowing entirely, I just don't really know how to bring it up... It doesn't seem like an "over the phone" conversation, and my whole family is Arizona or Kentucky! My lil sis and brother in law do know though, because she is doing the same thing!! She told me last time I was visiting her, to explain a mark I had a question about. I just ended up saying "Hey me too!"... It's nice to have someone to talk to in r/l about it other than wellbehaved. Other than those three, my family has no idea.

wellbehaved's family knows NOTHING. They don't even believe we're having sex, let alone any of this!

[good_girl]

Most of my family know nothing and I intend to keep it that way...my adult daughter, I think, suspects that mom has a bit of a kinky side, and as open as our relationship is (I would talk to her about it if she were to ask) she has never asked anything and I offer nothing to her.

My friends, for the most part, know but their knowledge is very limited, anytime they approach me with questions I am happy to explain things to them as well as I can without going into too much personal detail. I find that being open and honest with them has helped them to understand me better and in that, they accept my quirks and love me for who I am :)

If it were up to me, this would not be something that I would hide from anyone...it's who I am, but, as with many things, I do not want to expose people to things they do not want to be exposed to.

[ashtonDs]

fetishdj, you were one of those little kids who liked to stir things up, duck out and watch the fireworks weren't you. lol

Only my wife knows and she is OK with it, skeptical, OK, I'm crazy... But, hey she did agree to let me shave her! ;) We have done a couple of things, pretty tame by standards here but really off the wall to her. Little by little I'm pushing for more. (I'm just never satisfied you know?)

My family doesn't know and I won't tell them. They have enough time dealing with my religion. I'm not going to complicate things further.

[Borgs_slave]

I have one sister that found out. We had some talking and she read some books. She doesn't get it but supports me and just wants me happy. As for the rest of my family I don't feel the need to share my personal, intimate life with them. What goes on behind closed doors so to speak isn't any of their business.

[Coventina]

Do your parents or other members of your family know about your BDSM activities? If so, how did they find out? By accident? Did you tell them? Did it cause ructions? Did you eventually sort it all out or is there still a problem?

I live a block away from my mother, and my husband and I have our two girls living with us, so it took a while but I did tell my mom. She had figured a lot of it out, but it felt good to tell her so there were no more secrets. My mom is happy that my family is happy and we don't talk about details but she understands. On the other hand, I have not told my father, and don't know if I plan too. Both of my girls told their parents, one of my girl's mom is in the lifestyle so that made it really easy.

[Nixxi_Chaos]

Haha..my parents no absolutely nothing and I'd really like to keep it that way. I'm very close with them, and I've got an inkling that telling them that I fantasize about strangling pretty girls might put a bit of stress on that.
Hell, I had a hard enough time telling them I was with a girl.

[HisKitty]

I love talking about sex, so nearly all of my friends know--they really don't mind, unless they're only pretending xD Which I doubt. And one night I was a bit drunk and may have let some of these things slide to my mother and her friend, the latter of whom I've known almost my whole life. I also suck at putting things away and my sister has walked in to see ropes tied around my bedposts still and my mother was looking through my iPhone pics yesterday and I forgot I had two pics of my wearign my collar in there xD

The funny thing is, though, is that she thought the color was for some sort of asphyxiation purposes xD I reassured her that no it was not...

[HisKitty]

Wow, there are some fail typos in there >_>

*she thought the collar was for...

^Yeah, not "color" :P

[Flaming_Redhead]

Do your parents or other members of your family know about your BDSM activities? If so, how did they find out? By accident? Did you tell them? Did it cause ructions? Did you eventually sort it all out or is there still a problem?

If they don't know, would you ever consider telling them? Do you suspect they know anyway? How do you think they'd react?

My parents don't "know," but I think they suspect. After going out of town to visit Daddy for the weekend, I came home to discover that someone had been cleaning my side of the house. I had inadvertantly left my bag out that I take to the dungeon, and it was unzipped because I'd needed the alcohol to clean my navel ring. I noticed it had been moved so someone could vacuum. Plus, I have a copy of "Different Loving" lying out as well as "Story of O" and "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty." It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. :rolleyes: Ever since then, I've had to endure comments from my step-dad in reference to kinky sex and questions from my mom about how I know certain things and what kind of club I'm going to. I know that they know something, but I dodge the questions because I know that they really don't want to know, you know?

My sister and brother-in-law know because I told them as well as one of my cousins. We're like friends and discuss sex, etc. All my close friends know because we discuss sex all the time. In fact, one couple is into swinging. One couple is into kink but not D/s. One couple is into BDSM. One friend isn't into anything, but she's open minded. I have a few friends who are more like acquaintances. They don't discuss their sex life, so I don't discuss mine.

[HisKitty]

isn't it funny when parents sort of know? Lol

I went to a BDSM class at a sex store a bit ago and I live at home and Master was down for a visit so naturally my mom wanted to know where we were going... I'm pretty honest with her so I told her... She asked me what the BD stood for. When I told her she was like "that's enough!" as if to say TMI, I need to process this. :P

I also think I'd rather have her educated than not because, like I said, she thinks my collar is something to choke me, lol. That is the only thing I regret telling her, that I enjoyed a bit of erotic asphyxiation... It's not even something I do often. Probably once every few months. But she talks about it like it's my main kink >_>

[HisKitty]

isn't it funny when parents sort of know? Lol

I went to a BDSM class at a sex store a bit ago and I live at home and Master was down for a visit so naturally my mom wanted to know where we were going... I'm pretty honest with her so I told her... She asked me what the BD stood for. When I told her she was like "that's enough!" as if to say TMI, I need to process this. :P

I also think I'd rather have her educated than not because, like I said, she thinks my collar is something to choke me, lol. That is the only thing I regret telling her, that I enjoyed a bit of erotic asphyxiation... It's not even something I do often. Probably once every few months. But she talks about it like it's my main kink >_>

[SlaveChic77]

Neither my parents or my friends know anything about my being a sub and I like it that way :)

In real life, I hold multiple leadership roles in work and at school. I don't think it would be professional of me to let any of the people I am involved with at work or in school know about my submissive side.

As far as my friends go, I also hold a more "leader" type role around them and I like it that way, so they don't need to nor do i think they'd want to know haha.

I think the reason I'm even so submissive sexually is because I take such control over every other aspect of my life, so it's nice to not take control over one aspect.

Therefore, I like keeping this one side to me secret! :)

[Master_Money]

My family found out when I brought my slave at the time to a family gathering and without thinking she kneeled at my feet when there was an empty chair right next to me. They all stared at her with curiousity then looked at me with puzzlement. I didn't know what to do or say but yank her up and set her in the chair as quickly as possible. during the whole gathering I was getting questioned non-stop and surprisingly they were more interested and intrigued then judgemental. I am very fortunate to have such an understanding family. I just wish more ppls familys were just as accepting.

Master Money

[Leigh]

None of my family knows except for my brother and his wife and I regret that decision.
I should have kept it to myself but live and learn.
All of my family sees my collar but it just appears to be a necklace and thats the way we will keep it, what happens between Master and I and Sir and I is our business and really isnt up for discussion with our families. besides my family would all drop dead if they knew lol

[Bratty_Sub]

I tell my best friend almost anything and he knows that im actively seeking out my submissiveness.. although very new to it and such ive had great conversations with him on the subject and he understands and doesnt judge.
As for my family im very open with them especially with my mom. She has seen some bdsm books but i dont think shes connected the dots, if she has shes not asking and im not telling. I cherish vanilla life.. just as much as i cherish the alt life.

[Scarletbeauty]

My mom and I are pretty close, so my mom knows I am submissive, but nothing beyond that. We don't really have conversations about my sex life.=]
But she also knows I'm bisexual, and doesn't care, so, she's okay.

[bellelapine]

Both of my parents know quite well what I'm into. I don't go into the details of my sex life with Sir, but my mom and dad both know that I wear a collar, get walked on my leash, and that I ask permission of Sir for things. (Mom knows some details beyound that but mainly for the fact she asks and I don't seem to have a filter)

My inlaws I think suspect...I'm almost sure that they know, but because (while sex is open for discussion details shouldn't be shared)...they really don't want to know what their son does as long as we're healthy and happy. They live in the quiet blanketed world of ...Our son and daughter in law are strange but they're so wonderful together. It's nice to wear my collar in front of both of the families with them either outright knowing or quietly knowing without any fear of judgement. I do wish more families were like this.

[kuntslave85]

none of my family knows, but i feel like my parents should. Its like coming out of the closet or something. I feel like Im hiding from them.

[Walker_In_The_Wild]

Wonderful idea, Fetishdj!

I believe that by nature children have the same general interests as their parents - It's only natural.
Sexual interest(s), being one of the most primal, is bound to be at least based upon predefined "settings".

That's not to say that there will not be differences based upon life experiences, but that's just my two cents.
-

However, mine do not know. I don't think I'd ever have a reason to tell them anyway.

-Vic

[hopperboo]

I would never tell my parents about any kind of sexual things in my life. Ew.

I would never consider telling then anything within a regular sex life let alone anything BDSM or D/s.

Even if I was more free with my personal life I wouldn't tell them because it would upset them, and unlike some people I find no joy in 'being a rebel' and shoving it in someone's face that I can do it because I am an adult.

Which is actually a reason I got dumped by a guy late last year. He didn't like that I didn't tell my parents about my belly ring because he thought I should tell them, flaunt it and say, "so there."

[bip0lar]

Uhm, I'll share, because in hindsight it's kinda funny--although that moment it was horrific....

So, sex and sex-related subjects have always been open in this household, my mum being the hippy-feminist she is has always promoted this openness--although my brothers did have some second thoughts about it when I got my first pack of condoms as a Christmas present [haehaehaeh].
I had this large red folder filled with BDSM related sex stories, some written by me, some printed out from several sites. I was packing to leave for the UK for studies, so all my things were piled up in my room in order to get into my suitcase.
Long story short, I forgot the large red folder. I realised my mistake shortly after I arrived at Uni and emailed my mother informing her that I kinda needed that large red folder. Unfortunately....She opened it. *giggles* She called me, and i heard quite a mortified voice on the other end of the line, asking me whether these 'scenaaarios', as she put them, where what I wanted her to send me. My heart started beating 10 times faster thinking 'This is it. You're getting disowned now!' But no, I answered in the most calm voice i could manage 'yes, mum, that's what i forgot.'
If that wasn't enough, my brother called me a couple of hours later laughing his bleeding arse off: "MUM FOUND YOUR SEX STORIES", he said. "THIS IS EPIC!" I held back and didn't send him to hell, what with him helping me pay the rent and all, but i think he figured out i was embarassed out of my wits for this, so he added 'Don't you dare worry about it. If mum knew what kind of perverse things D. [our other brother] and i are into, we'd have been disowned long before you'.

My mum never asked questions about those 'scenarios', although she did send me a couple of books and a long long letter that kinda blamed herself for my tastes. I took it up with her and discussed the issue, telling her that it's nobody's 'fault' as i don't consider it something wrong. I did do the right thing and calmed her down [although i had to use a smaall amount of lying] by telling her that 'hey, i'm still 18, maybe it's just a phase!' [YES, i pulled that one off, although i doubt she believed me...]
So yup, she agreed that there's nothing wrong about it, told me to be extra careful and enjoy myself.

and all in all i'm happy i told her. and i'm glad i've got an understanding family [even though a bit creepy at times heahehe]

[hopperboo]

Uhm, I'll share, because in hindsight it's kinda funny--although that moment it was horrific....

So, sex and sex-related subjects have always been open in this household, my mum being the hippy-feminist she is has always promoted this openness--although my brothers did have some second thoughts about it when I got my first pack of condoms as a Christmas present [haehaehaeh].
I had this large red folder filled with BDSM related sex stories, some written by me, some printed out from several sites. I was packing to leave for the UK for studies, so all my things were piled up in my room in order to get into my suitcase.
Long story short, I forgot the large red folder. I realised my mistake shortly after I arrived at Uni and emailed my mother informing her that I kinda needed that large red folder. Unfortunately....She opened it. *giggles* She called me, and i heard quite a mortified voice on the other end of the line, asking me whether these 'scenaaarios', as she put them, where what I wanted her to send me. My heart started beating 10 times faster thinking 'This is it. You're getting disowned now!' But no, I answered in the most calm voice i could manage 'yes, mum, that's what i forgot.'
If that wasn't enough, my brother called me a couple of hours later laughing his bleeding arse off: "MUM FOUND YOUR SEX STORIES", he said. "THIS IS EPIC!" I held back and didn't send him to hell, what with him helping me pay the rent and all, but i think he figured out i was embarassed out of my wits for this, so he added 'Don't you dare worry about it. If mum knew what kind of perverse things D. [our other brother] and i are into, we'd have been disowned long before you'.

My mum never asked questions about those 'scenarios', although she did send me a couple of books and a long long letter that kinda blamed herself for my tastes. I took it up with her and discussed the issue, telling her that it's nobody's 'fault' as i don't consider it something wrong. I did do the right thing and calmed her down [although i had to use a smaall amount of lying] by telling her that 'hey, i'm still 18, maybe it's just a phase!' [YES, i pulled that one off, although i doubt she believed me...]
So yup, she agreed that there's nothing wrong about it, told me to be extra careful and enjoy myself.

and all in all i'm happy i told her. and i'm glad i've got an understanding family [even though a bit creepy at times heahehe]
Oh no! LOL. :D

[Emerson]

I'm in a similar boat to many people here. My parents don't know, but it's entirely possible they suspect something. They'd never confront me about it, because I don't think they consider it their business, and if they did find out I don't think it would bother them. Nevertheless, I'm not volunteering information.

On the other hand, my best friend and former college roommate does know (hard to keep it from him). He has asked me for advice a couple times, and while I still think he's not fully comfortable with the whole thing - especially since he knew me and my girlfriend for a long time before he found out we were into bdsm - he's an openminded kind of guy.

My other friends from college (I graduated earlier this year) never knew - as far as I'm aware - but could be frustrating because of their negative view of bdsm. Sex was a common topic in our conversations, and innuendo was rampant, but bdsm was treated with a kind of off-hand dismissal and a general attitude of disgust. On reflection, this was probably the result of some kind of Freudian repression (indeed, when we read Freud the anti-bdsm sentiment was more palpable), since many of my friends struck me as natural doms or subs, but at the time it was somewhat frustrating. My own tendency to subtly stir the pot didn't help much, whether through innuendo of my own, or taking my girlfriend to a field day before releasing her from submission once (that was a party...).

But through it all there was never much of a conversation, which was too bad. The taboo surrounding bdsm is, to me, a strange but inevitable outcome of the currently conflicted national (and perhaps international, but I wouldn't really know) attitude towards sex. To some, sex is an open field, conversation is encouraged, and knowledge is shared, but to others it remains the realm of dirty jokes and secret lusts. There ought to be room for honesty - without any unnecessarily explicit details - but too often the old mental habits that pigeon-hole certain people and lifestyles (bdsm = abuse) are much stronger than even a willful, educated person can overcome. Combine that with a healthy dose of respression* and you have a culture of intense taboo.

*True story: A ostensibly vanilla friend of mine, in an otherwise vanilla conversation about relationships, blurts out this: "Watch out if he brings out the ropes and whips on the first date!"

Anyway, sorry to rant and rave a little. It's just fascinating to me how many of the people here - who are so open with each other despite being, in many cases, complete strangers - are secretive about their bdsm lives to the people they actually know (myself included).

[subserviant]

my partner knows i luv pain but she's so vanilla that we dont talk about it much ,but we have an understanding when we make love she does things to me that i crave wish it were more but oh well

[Remia]

I keep a great many things secret from my loved ones. To be honest, I'm not sure which would be scarier to tell them - that I'm transgendered, or that I fantasize about being someone's pet/slave XD I know that they would still *love* me, but I severely doubt that they would *understand* me. As nice as it would be to have it out in the open, I'm afraid of isolating myself from the people in my life, and I suppose they really don't have to know this kind of thing about me, really ^^''''

[Silkslostswitch]

My family knows nothing about this side of me. i have told a couple of really good friends, but only because i had a bad bruise i couldn't explain and they kept pushing me till i told them. they were quite shocked, but have come around. i would never tell me family about any of this ever. they would be very judgementel.

[littlepet]

My closest friends know. My brother actually knows. (We've got one of those, could tell each other literally anything, kind of relationships. This does not mean I discuss details of sexual activity with him, I do not. But...he knows that I am collared/owned.) My parents do not know but I am fairly certain that my mother suspects.

ANYONE who has ever been anywhere in public with my master and I, most likely "suspect" that "something" freaky-deaky is going on, even if they can't quite put their finger on it. There are undercurrents to just about everything, and this is why my close friends know, because it's just not one of those things that people can remain that ignorant about if they are close to us at all.

Now, obviously they don't know our exact bedroom activities, and they don't know the depth of the ownership issue, they just know that he is the "boss" of the relationship and I do what he says. I've had more than one feminazi try to "rescue" me from my "horrible" situation, which I find endlessly amusing. I like to toy with them. :P

[fellintobed]

Neither of my parents knows anything about my sex life, other than I have sex. I figure it works both ways - I don't want or need to know about their sex life, and vice versa.

If they hypothetically found out... my father wouldn't give a sh!t. He's always been very much the "do whatever you want" sort of parent, incredibly accepting and permissive. I can picture him asking a few questions about it, like how many people I've played with, how long I've been doing it - basic stuff. My mother would flip out, and I'd have to explain in gentle and thorough detail that her precious daughter is doing this stuff voluntarily and safely. And then I'd have a stiff drink. She accepts that I'm my own person and lead my own life, but that doesn't stop her from being shocked at what she perceives as my "out there" choices - like being tattooed and pierced. (Hooooo boy, the tattoo conversation was a tough one!)

My best friend knows, and she's even more into the scene than I am, so she's totally accepting and encouraging. Another friend knows because we're open about our kinks with each other - I don't think he quite 'gets' it, but then I don't 'get' his anal sex kink, so there you go. My ex-roommate knows because he saw the ropes. As far as I'm aware, that's it.

[yummysubmummy]

Hmm neither my parents or brother or any of our friends know and I'd like to keep it that way! But in recent weeks (whilst lurking in bdsm library) I have suddenly realised that when I was young (about 11) I read a book that was on my parents' bookshelf called something slave of Gor?! About some young man who was abducted to another planet...and I remember reading about the slave girls and being strangely aroused. My brother read it too (we always got into trouble together) but whilst I read the slave girl scenes over and over, he read the fighting scenes. :rolleyes:

Now I am wondering...what was that book doing on my parents' shelf??? :eek:

[fetishdj]

Because a lot of people read Gor - even vanillas. I was aware of John Norman long before I was aware of BDSM because they are in the library on the same shelf as the conan books which I read at a very young age (and also have a bit of BDSM in them).

Though if the book is next to the bed and not, for example, on a shelf in the living room then it could indicate that they used it as a sex aid. Ok, the book that I am currently reading often ends up lying next to the bed but the only books that stay on the bedside cabinet all the time are the ones with erotic fiction in them...

[yummysubmummy]

fetishdj it was in my parents' bedroom along with all the other books/videos (no DVDs back then!) that were 'unsuitable' for the bookshelf in the lounge room. :) Of course that just made that shelf the target of our childhood curiosity! Neither of us would probably have looked at it if it had been on the same shelf as all the history books ;)