Demon_Masters 1st Lvl 1 Assignment

[Demon_Master]

Here it is:

[Demon_Master]

Having trouble...let me know if the assignment gets there please.
DM

[pejanon]

Nope, I do not see anything. If you have problem copying word doc try converting it to plain text - then copy/paste it in the post here.


(I just realized you made a new thread. Yes, you can post your story here.)

[Demon_Master]

“Hmmm, I wonder what she is doing tonite,” as I looked at my watch while I walked to the window and my telescope. “What are you up to my little cherub?” She was the latest of my visual delights, a red haired, green eyed Rubenesque beauty, sharp dresser and exquisite taste in her décor and surroundings.
Peering through the lens, I spied her, thinking she was probably working yet again on more paperwork at her desk. But something was amiss. Her desk was cleared; her business suit was unbuttoned and she sat sideways to her desk. Her Tiffany lamp was on, giving off its warm glow, as she seemed almost lost in thought with a hand to her mouth.
I watched, as she slowly stood and removed her grey blazer with her back to me, revealing her white starched blouse and full view of her amply filled matching skirt, draping it neatly over her chair. My “interests” perked up when I saw her hands reaching for the buttons of her blouse, undoing one…two…before she looked around, reaching across the desk and turned off the lamp, leaving the darkened office aglow only by the full moonlight. Now this was getting interesting.
She turned sideways, the moonlight seeming to quickly zero in on the alabaster flesh of her face and neck, selectively illuminating the well blessed fullness of her blouse as I watched her hands slip back to her buttons. With her blouse slipping off, I saw a light blue well filled sports bra as I watched her hands go to her skirt, secretly hoping to see the matching shorts…she didn’t let me down.
My manhood lurched as I watched her cross the small office, flip on a stereo and begin stretching out her lush ample form. She leaned against an exercise bike, bending over it slowly as she pointed a leg back and curled it deliciously to her backside, easily grasping it in a hand. She held it in place, stretching, her muscles tensing and moving like she had done this many times before. She did the same to the other, and then went into a series of squats that gave an assman like me a thrill beyond words. My cock surged with every squat as her cheeks tightened and tensed, testing the material quite nicely, forcing a one handed grip on both “telescopes” that were now readily available.
Hopping on the bike, I watched keenly as she pedaled nowhere with intensity like a woman on a mission. Sweat soaked into her clothes, further peaking my interests as her assets became more visible and delicious. I was privy to my own “Flash dance” with my moonlit beauty as the star. Her legs, thighs, and calves rippled and flexed with every thrust, with my cock lurching in time to her pace. Oh to be the bicycle seat right now, pistoning my meat into her sweetness in time to her pace I thought, as I stroked on with my girl. This went on for some thirty minutes, with my attentions being clearly tested several times, as I watched her workout routine.
She slowed seeming to have satisfied her need for speed, pulling a towel around her neck and wiping her face and body down. Lucky towel I thought to myself, being allowed to soak up the sweat from that Goddess, as I watched her dismount the bike and head for another corner of the room. Reaching for a handle, she opened a door, flicking on a light switch…a private bath room and a moment where I wondered if I will get to see….
Stepping into the room and into the light, I saw her and all her sweaty Rubenesque glory. She was magnificent as I watched her stand before the mirror wiping sweat and checking herself over when she set the towel on the counter and something caught my eye…and I zoomed my telescope in for a closer view.
She stood primping and preening under my close “supervision” when I homed in on something that made me smile. She had a tattoo, on her panty line, of Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. But “Dopey” was being a bad little dwarf, he was peeking down her panties, trying to see her wet sweetness, a place and sight I would truly relish myself.
I wondered what “Dopey” was seeing. Was she clean shaved there, or did she have it barbered into some exotic pattern like a heart or something? That was a trend nowadays with some women. Was she a natural redhead, or was it a dye job? I jacked my cock faster as I watched my girl reach for the sides of her bra and pull it overhead revealing two mountains of mouthwatering perfection that I could spend a weekend appreciating in so many ways. My pace quickened yet again as she smoothed out those twin peaks with her hands, moving them this way and that, with me watching her reflection in the mirror lustily.
My heart almost skipped a beat as I saw her hands run seductively down her sides to her waist, grasping the hem of her shorts with her thumbs and begin to pull them down. Dammit! The mirror cuts off just above her bellybutton, how will I know…? “Dopey, help me out here buddy, shove her back a step or two so I can see!”
My grip tightened as my edging slowed while I watched intently with baited breath. The moment of truth was at hand, for both of us, as I saw the white flesh of her rotund biteable cheeks coming into view. Time seemed to stop as she slowly lowered those sweat-soaked shorts, bending over as she slid them down her thighs before letting them fall to the floor. Frantic, with an erratic pace I jacked and waited, hoping to see what that little fucker was privy to.
She turned and climbed into the shower, and I like the world and the “Tootsie Roll” may never know…but you can bet I will be watching again.

[pejanon]

Ok I am reading it and I will have comments later on.

[pejanon]

Ok I am reading it and I will have comments later on.

[pejanon]

I like the idea of voyeur calling the object he observes “my little cherub.”

Very descriptive style matches the voyeuristic subject of the story. However, there are too many run on sentences, too many adjectives, too many details… It gets redundant. Cooling off the narrative overkill would let the readers experience the story more intimately.

Since this is a first person narrative, you can state directly what the narrator thinks or feels and omit “I thought to myself”. It is a good idea to use single quotes or italics for thoughts.

A fiirst person narrator shoud speak with a distinct, invidualized voice. I do not think that the same person would use ‘cock, manhood, little fucker, Tootse Roll etc….”

Reading the story aloud to yourself is a very good pratice. It helps you realize how the story sounds and where the bumps are.


“Hmmm, I wonder what she is doing tonite,” as I looked at my watch while I walked to the window and my telescope. “What are you up to my little cherub?”

This is a rhetorical question but it is confusing at the opening of the story. Generaly, simple sentenees are better then complicated ones. Consider changing or removing this paragraph.

(“Hmmm, I wonder what she is doing tonight.” I looked at my watch while I walked to the window and my telescope. “What are you up to my little cherub?”)



She was the latest of my visual delights, a red haired , green eyed (green-eyed ) Rubenesque beauty, a sharp dresser and (with) an exquisite taste in her décor and surroundings.

Peering through the lens, I spied (on) her, thinking she was probably working yet again on more paperwork at her desk. But (However,) something was amiss. Her desk was cleared. Her business suit was unbuttoned and she sat sideways to her desk. Her Tiffany lamp was on, giving off its warm glow, as she seemed almost lost in thought with a hand to (at) her mouth.

[COLOR="Red"] Nice touch with the Tiffany lamp. It illustrates her taste and charater. In fat, you could remove the above reference to her taste.

I watched, as she slowly stood and removed her grey blazer with her back to me, revealing her white starched blouse and full view of her amply filled matching skirt, draping it neatly over her chair. (She draped it neatly over her chair.) My “interests” perked up when I saw her hands reaching for the buttons of her blouse, undoing one…two… (the first, then the second… ) before. She looked around, reaching across the desk and turned off the lamp, leaving the darkened office aglow only by the full moonlight. (She looked around, reached across the desk and turned off the lamp. The darkened office was lit only by the full moonlight) Now, this was getting interesting.

She turned sideways, the moonlight seeming to quickly zero in on the alabaster flesh of her face and neck, selectively illuminating the well blessed fullness of her blouse as I watched her hands slip back to her buttons. With her blouse slipping off, I saw a light blue well filled sports bra as I watched her hands go to her skirt, secretly hoping to see the matching shorts…she didn’t let me down.

My manhood lurched (? Rocked, stiffened? Surged?) as I watched her cross the small office, flip on a stereo and begin (to) stretching (strech) out her lush ample from (lush form - no need for both) . She leaned against an (the) exercise bike, bending (bent) over it slowly as she pointed a leg back and curled it deliciously to her backside, easily grasping it in (with) a (her) hand. She held it in place, stretching, (too much stretching) [COLOR="Red"] her muscles tensing and moving. like She had done this many times before.

She leaned against an exercise bike, bending (bent) over it slowly as she pointed a leg back and curled it deliciously to her backside, easily grasping it with her hand. She held it in place, stretching (and stretched), her muscles, tensing and moving them like she had done many times before. like she had done this many times before.

She did the same to the other.and Then went into a series of squats that gave an assman like me a thrill beyond words. My cock surged with every squat as her cheeks tightened and tensed, testing the material quite nicely, forcing a one handed grip on both “telescopes” that were now readily available.

Hopping on the bike, I watched keenly as she pedaled nowhere with intensity like a woman on a mission. (I watched keenly. Hopping on the bike, she intensly pedaled like a woman on a mission) Sweat soaked into her clothes, further peaking my interests as her assets became more visible [COLOR="Red"] and delicious. I was privy to my own “Flash dance” (starring) my moonlit beauty as the star. Her legs, thighs, and calves rippled and flexed with every thrust, with my cock lurching in time to (with) her pace. Oh, to be the bicycle seat right now, pistoning my meat into her sweetness in time to her pace I thought as I stroked on with my girl. This went on (She went on with her workout) for some thirty minutes, with my attentions being clearly tested several times, as I watched her workout routine. (My attention was tested several times.)

She slowed seeming to have satisfied her need for speed, (She satisfied her need for speed and slowed down,) pulling a towel around her neck and wiping her face and body down. Lucky towel I thought to myself, being allowed (it was allowed) to soak up the sweat from that Goddess, as I watched her dismount the bike and head for another corner of the room. Reaching for a handle, she opened a door , (to a private bathoom) flicking on a light switch. (This was) a moment where I (always) wondered if I will get to see….

(You should emphasize that this is recurring experience and that he gets excited every time. How long this has beeen going on? How does he feel about it?)

Stepping into the room and into the light, I saw her and all her sweaty Rubenesque glory. She was magnificent. as I watched her stand before the mirror wiping sweat and checking herself over. when she set the towel on the counter and something caught my eye…and I zoomed my telescope in for a closer view.

She stood primping and preening under my close “supervision”. When I homed in on something that made me smile. I smiled. She had a tattoo, on her panty line, (On her panty line she had a tattoo) of Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. But “Dopey” was being a bad little dwarf. He was peeking down her panties, trying to see her wet sweetness, a place and sight I would truly relish myself.

I wondered what “Dopey” was seeing. Was she clean shaved there, or did she have it barbered into some exotic pattern like a heart or something? That was a trend nowadays with some women. Was she a natural redhead, or was it a dye job? I jacked my cock faster as I watched my girl reach for the sides of her bra and pull it overhead revealing two mountains of mouthwatering perfection. that I could spend a weekend appreciating (them) in so many ways. as she smoothed out those twin peaks with her hands, moving them this way and that. I watching (I watched) her reflection in the mirror lustily. My pace quickened yet again.

My heart almost skipped a beat. as I saw her hands run (Her hands ran) +228/ seductively down her sides to her waist, grasping the hem of her shorts with her thumbs and begin to pull them down. “ Dammit! The mirror cuts off just above her bellybutton, how will I know…? Dopey, help me out here buddy, shove her back a step or two so I can see!”

My grip tightened as my edging slowed while I watched intently with baited breath. The moment of truth was at hand, for both of us, as I saw the white flesh of her rotund biteable cheeks coming into view. Time seemed to stop. as She slowly lowered those sweat-soaked shorts. Bending over as she slid them down her thighs before letting them fall to the floor. Frantically, with an erratic pace I jacked and waited, hoping to see what that little fucker was privy to.

She turned and climbed into the shower, and I liked the world. And the “Tootsie Roll” may never know… but you can bet I will be watching again.

[Demon_Master]

Tyvm for the feedback...I see My tendency to overkill My idea...like describing it to death, somebody gag My pen PLEASE!!! LOL. I still have alot to learn editing/grammatical wise and run on wise, killing the internal editor/mouthful of extra words guy inside as well. Again, tyvn for the help, critique, and instruction, and HOPEFULLY My next assignment will go alot better.
DM
P.S. Do I wait for My next assignment, do I redo/rewrite this again and submit...where do I/We go from here?

[pejanon]

Demon_Master, it is easier to write a new story - therefore you should rewrite this one. :eek:

And, it is worth it. The red is not there because I like to use it or because I like to hack stories.You could get a decent short piece.

That IS the idea of editing. You write a story, it gets edited, then you rewrite it along the lines of the edits, and hopefully learn something from it. Simpler narrative style is not easier.

Please remember, everybody's stories are edited. Everybody's. Going thought your story again will make you write better. I am sure you can do it.:)

[Demon_Master]

OK...NP, will get on it...I will do the rewrite and get it right...thanx
DM

P.S. some of the grammatical/wording changes in the piece do NOT make sense:

She turned and climbed into the shower, and I (liked) the world. And the “Tootsie Roll” may never know the word liked does NOT seem to fit properly, and I did notice My punctuation did make the sentence a P.O.S. for lack of a better choice of words...is there an editing style per se to avoid errors like this, MSWord seems useless or wrong to Me alot?

[Nikita]

OK...NP, will get on it...I will do the rewrite and get it right...thanx
DM

P.S. some of the grammatical/wording changes in the piece do NOT make sense:

She turned and climbed into the shower, and I (liked) the world. And the “Tootsie Roll” may never know the word liked does NOT seem to fit properly, and I did notice My punctuation did make the sentence a P.O.S. for lack of a better choice of words...is there an editing style per se to avoid errors like this, MSWord seems useless or wrong to Me alot?

DM,

Just a few points.

I took a look at the example you quoted above that doesn't make sense to you, compared it to the original, and Pejanon's feedback. In this case, it looks to me like he fixed your sentence grammatically.

In said sentence, (liked) is the past tense of the word (like) Read the sentence corrections and notice the verbs agree in tense. She 'climbed' and I 'liked.'

I use MS Word tools like you do and their suggestions are generally 40% right and 60% wrong, but they do catch things like repeated words, mispellings, and usage.

Some of the suggested wording is not absolute. Just take it into consideration when you re-formulate what you want to say in the sentence. You don't have to use the suggested wording as written, but, they should trigger what you want to say...better. Understand?

In the case of corrections, they mostly have to do with grammar.

Always, always read your story aloud when you it's finished. It is easier to edit this way.

Hope this makes your re-write easier.

To your success.

[pejanon]

The red text in brackets replaces the red text in front of it. Sorry, I could not use strikethrough now. The bracket may contain further comment.

If the text is just reddened, you attention is drawn to it. You an either remove it or find a better expression.

She turned and climbed into the shower, and I liked the world. And the “Tootsie Roll” may never know… but you can bet I will be watching again.

I changed ‘like’ to liked. It should’ve been like(liked) but I also wanted to draw your attention to it. “Liked’ is ok, but consider finding a better, more precise expression. (happy? at peace with?) It can be a crucial word in the story, pointing out your character’s mental state at the end of the story. Your character does change during the story so pointing it out more precisely creates a sense of character development.

The second red in the quite points out the new sentence.


Hope this helps.

[Demon_Master]

Thank You ALL...TYVM to ALL who have contributed and helped with My "thick headedness" and your patience with Me. I have re-written (and hopefully corrected) the project to satisfaction, now seeing and understanding ALOT more of what went wrong. Hopefully My days of dread are limited and My "internal editor" gets a boot and I can get on with producing some quality works. :icon176:
DM

[pejanon]

DM - once the attachment is approved I will get to it. How about you paste it here just as you did the first draft?

[Demon_Master]

thats the problem right now....working between 2 pcs
...I can post/paste it in the am if you like, sorry.
DM

[Widget]

approved attachment so you may read away at will..

[Demon_Master]

G'Morning...Here you go, copied/pasted like before...I think I will do this always...seems to be easier for ALL comcerned.
DM

“What are you up to my little cherub?”

She was the latest of my visual delights, a red haired, green-eyed Rubenesque beauty, a sharp dresser with exquisite tastes in her décor and surroundings. Peering through the lens, I spied on her, thinking she was probably working yet again on more paperwork at her desk. But something was amiss. Her business suit was unbuttoned, her Tiffany lamp was on, giving off its warm glow, and she seemed lost in thought with a hand at her mouth.
I watched, as she slowly stood and removed her grey blazer with her back to me, revealing her white starched blouse and full view of her amply filled matching skirt. My “interests” perked up when I saw her hands reaching for the buttons of her blouse, undoing the first…the second…before she looked around, reaching across the desk and turned off the lamp. Now this was getting interesting.
She turned sideways, the moonlight seeming to quickly zero in on the alabaster flesh of her face and neck, selectively illuminating the well blessed fullness of her blouse as I watched her hands slip back to her buttons. With her blouse slipping off, I saw a light blue well filled sports bra as I watched her hands go to her skirt, secretly hoping to see the matching shorts…she didn’t let me down.
My manhood surged as I watched her cross the small office, flip on a stereo and began to stretch out her ample form. She leaned against the exercise bike, bending over it slowly as she pointed a leg back and curled it deliciously to her backside, easily grasping it with her hand. She held it in place, her muscles tensing and moving like she had done this many times before. She did the same to the other, and went into a series of squats that gave an assman like me a thrill beyond words. My cock surged with every squat as her cheeks tightened and tensed, testing the material quite nicely, forcing a one handed grip on both “telescopes” that were now readily available.
I watched keenly. Hopping on the bike, she pedaled nowhere with intensity like a woman on a mission. Sweat soaked into her clothes, further peaking my interests as her assets became more visible and I was privy to my own “Flash dance”. Her legs, thighs, and calves rippled and flexed with every thrust, with my cock swelling in time with her pace. Oh to be the bicycle seat right now, pistoning my meat into her sweetness in time to her pace I thought, as I stroked on with my girl. Her routine went on for some thirty minutes, with my attentions being clearly tested several times.
She seeming to have satisfied her need for speed and slowed to a halt, pulling a towel around her neck and wiping her face and body down. Lucky towel I thought to myself, being allowed to soak up the sweat from that Goddess, as I watched her dismount the bike and head for another corner of the room. Reaching for a handle, she opened a door to a private bath room, flicking on a switch. It was a moment where I always wondered if I will get to see….
She had done this to me several times before. I would “tune in” and watch the show, only to be disappointed by “station identification” aka: a closed door.
Stepping into the room and into the light, I saw her and all her sweaty Rubenesque glory. She was magnificent. I watched her stand before the mirror wiping sweat and checking herself over. She set the towel on the counter and something caught my eye…and I zoomed my telescope in for a closer view.
She stood primping and preening under my close “supervision” when I homed in on something that made me smile. On her panty line she had a tattoo of Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. But “Dopey” was being a bad little dwarf, he was peeking down her panties, trying to see her wet sweetness, a sight I would relish myself.
I wondered what “Dopey” was seeing. Was she clean shaven there, or did she have it barbered into some exotic pattern like a heart or something? That was a trend nowadays with some women. Was she a natural redhead, or was it a dye job? I jacked my cock faster as I watched my girl reach for the sides of her bra and pull it overhead revealing two mountains of mouthwatering perfection I could spend a weekend appreciating in so many ways. My pace quickened yet again as she smoothed out those twin peaks with her hands, moving them this way and that, as I watched her reflection in the mirror lustily.
My heart skipped a beat as her hands ran seductively down her sides to her waist, grasping the hem of her shorts with her thumbs and began to pull them down. “Dammit!” The mirror cuts off just above her bellybutton, how will I know…?

“Dopey, help me out here buddy, shove her back a step or two so I can see!”

My grip tightened as my edging slowed while I watched intently with baited breath. The moment of truth was at hand, for both of us, as I saw the white flesh of her biteable cheeks coming into view. Time seemed to stop. She slowly lowered those sweat-soaked shorts. Bending over, she slid them down her thighs before letting them fall to the floor. I jacked and waited, hoping to see what that lucky little tattoo was privy to.
She turned and climbed into the shower, and I like the rest of the world and the “Tootsie Roll Pop” fans may never know…but you can bet I will be watching again.

[pejanon]

I saw it DM. I'll comment on it later today.

[Venom]

A Rubenesque cherub, Dopey being a bad little dwarf and two telescopes...
Elements like these turn the rather unspectacular voyeur-setting into an entertaining story.

[Demon_Master]

Thanx Venom...I tried to keep it a bit intersting and fresh...like many others, I know people get sick of reading worn out angles and styles.
DM

[pejanon]

This is much better. Now the story has an opening, it builds steadily up towards the ‘what “Dopey” was seeing’ and has a climax and a closing line.

Slow, lingering and very descriptive narrative style matches the subject of the story. It does get faster as you approach the climax and you could streamline it even more. We feel his breathlessness, his anticipation. Nice choice of details. I like how he feels that she has ‘done it to him’.

There is too much of ‘well-endowed’ and ‘well-blessed’. It gets redundant.

At the end – is he frustrated or just happy to wait for another occasion?

Well done.:)

[Demon_Master]

Thanx Pej...It was a good start to learning/improving...and a little harder then I thought...looking at My 2nd assignment, and ready to go again. Thanx again for the help, critique, and understandiung.
DM

[pejanon]

You are welcome.


I am looking forward too see what can you do with the 'blind' story.


remeber: letting your story cool off for few days and then reading it aloud helps you see it in a new light.

Good luck.