help with making rules

[derek6363]

I was wondering if I could get some help with ideas on rules for my sub. We are in a semi serious bdsm relationship.Thanks

[babygirl1204]

I would suggest you have an open discussion with your sub. This is one suggestion, you could start with something simple like making your sub visit a site like this for at least an hour a night, so your sub can find out what excites him/her and if the sub misses time on line punishment will occure.

It's an unspoken rule with my Sir Daddy, but I know that I will be gagged with every spanking so that I can't talk while being punished. I would rather not have the gag but I respect his athority.

babygirl

[derek6363]

Thanks for the idea it is a good idea

[babygirl1204]

Your welcome, It has taken me 6 years to find a Sir that takes the time to find out what I need and understand my needs. Sir Daddy is the reason I have joined this site he told me to come here and post a story he had me write.

[derek6363]

Wow thats a long time.Is it ok if I as you somethings about this lifestyle?

[fetishdj]

I agree that finding out what you both like is a good idea. You need to know what sort of sub they are and treat them in the right way. A quick and easy way to find out is one of the many BDSM checklists that can be found online, though these mainly deal with limits in sessions rather than lifestyle. A few suggestions for rules, however:

- As well as the hour long research above, make a rule that they have to write a journal either once a day or once a week or after every physical session you have. They can also write a summary of what they have researched in this journal. This can be in a proper paper diary or typed onto a computer and, if typed onto a computer, can be private (between the two of you) or public. Most live journal sites also allow you to share posts with only a select group of friends. Ths journal needs to contain all the sub's thoughts and feelings about the situation. Once it is written, you should discuss any issues raised in it.

- You can set rules about how your sub dresses and when/how they eat. These sorts of rules really need discussion, however, as some subs may not be able to follow certain dress/food rules due to health conditions or work based clothing rules. It is not a good idea to insist a sub eats bread if they are gluten intolerant nor is it a good idea to make them wear slutty clothes if they need to be 'business professional' for work. So, discuss these possible limits before imposing any rules like this.

- Behaviour rules. How to stand, how to sit, how to address another Dom/me, how and when they should kneel during a session or before a session starts. For these you need to distinguish between behaviour during a session (which is usually a private affair between the two of you), in 'scene public' such as at munches and play parties and in public. Basically, if you want your sub to do something like always approach you during a session on their knees then you add this to the rules.

- Housework. You can set rules about general everyday things like housework, time spent with you and so on. If you share a house, you can outline what housework tasks the sub is expected to perform and how often. If you do not share a house you can still enforce a housework schedule - at the very least making sure that the house is clean for when you arrive for a session and that all the toys are taken care of and laid out ready. You can also outline things that the sub can do for you personally such as massage, grooming, bathing and so on.

Now I am not saying that all of these apply to you but they are things I have seen in some Dom/me/sub relationships. You pick and choose what you like the look of and discuss these with the sub before outlining the rules in full.

There are some examples of 'slave contracts' online which you can look to for ideas for rules. Some of them are very simple (you will show proper respect at all times and follow Master's orders) while others are very long and complicated with a lot of detail (including one which included as a rule the requirement to memorise all 100 odd clauses of the contract for recitation). Do some searches and see what you come up with.

[icey]

talking and honesty are important and a way of coming to 'agreements' etc
maybe you could also have a long hard think about what you know of your girl and try and work from that not just about her likes and dislikes cans and cant dos no go areas etc, but perhaps try thinking up things that you could help you get to know her and the way she views her submission and your Dominance.

maybe you could try and make some of the rules and tasks more mentally focused rather than just the physical aspects etc that will give her time to really think about things adjust and 'settle' into your D/s side of the r/ship.

this might lead to more talking,more undertanding of both your needs and whats right for you both, the more you can learn work together and learn together the better.

if its a semi-serious D/s r/ship then keeping things pretty simple and not imposing too many rules and too much discipline might be a good way to start,to help ease you into things.

[babygirl1204]

Wow thats a long time.Is it ok if I as you somethings about this lifestyle?

Yes feel free to ask any questions, If I can't answer one of the more experienced will.

babygirl

[babygirl1204]

I have one rule I set for myself years ago before I had a D/s relationship, it was important that I set it for myself so that I could get to the point of allowing someone control.

My number one rule is I have to try anything my partner wants to try or do at least twice, I may not like it the first time around but after time goes by I may find out I really did it was just new.

I have been cuffed, spanked and tied up several times now every time I get gagged and I still hate the gag but Sir Daddy tells me to open my mouth and I don't question his athority nor do I complain, I thank him with every punishment.

babygirl

[derek6363]

That is a good rule I like that idea.I will have to run that by her.

[derek6363]

Do you mind if I ask what riles you have?

[deigja]

Just another idea... what about a private ritual... I have one I usually perform before going to bed, some kind of meditative thing.... for me it´s just kneeling in a corner thinking about what the day has brought me new in the D/s context, thinking through the relationship with him, deciding what i did and did not like... I´ts really good for getting settled in a relationship and he asks me from time to time what I found out during my little ritual.
For example.. I hated giving blowjobs in the beginning, I was all uncomfortable with it, but he insisted on trying until I could do it without gagging to much, and long before I felt comfortable doing it, I realized that I started liking it for the control it gave him over me... Without the ritual I would never have realized this and it was really hard to admit this to myself...

[Tojo]

My first & foremost rule is that lisa looks after herself, & keeps safe. I like her to be neat & tidy always & to be feminine.

Communication is probably the second most important- I need to know how she feels & any problems she has with me or her personal life.

Rituals are good too- it's nice to have one's girl or girls do a special thing for you each day, wearing something, or whatever.

[derek6363]

Ok that sounds good I like that idea. When you first start out do you go easy onpunishments for a bit till they get use to it or are you strict right off the bat

[Logic1]

I usually start off easy for the first week or so and then go stricter. Everybody can forget and it is easier the first time before the rules settle so to speak.
That is not however how everybody would do it and it is very much up to oneself.

[~faerie~]

I have a few ironclad rules that i must follow at all times. No exceptions ever.

1. complete honesty at all times. lies are punishable.
how can you have a safe, sane and consesual realtionship if you have no honesty. no honesty = no trust
Master like to know how i am feeling and what i am doing
2. There will be no disrespect of the Master at any time
verbal or physical-
no yelling, being rude, having hostile attitudes, or violence of any kind.
(i have trouble with the sassy/rude one on occasions)
3.Must obey all direct orders
these are the regular basic rules-
no panties
knowing my positions, and when to be in them
no cumming with out permission
must be shaved at all times
etc.
this list is and will always be at Master's discretion.
i do have advance notice of changes. lol
4.Treason
Meaning never divulging any information to outsiders (vanillas) that may not understand and cause harm to us or our families. Really this is a safeguard for us both. We both have children and families that are close.
Examples: telling friends (vanilla) not in the community, that i got caned for disrespect(or whatever). That would be a big bad NO. Private stuff stays private.
If someone is interested, Master and i feel them out and discuss together what to share or not to share.
If and when we should bring another into our relationship, the same will apply.

i also have different punishments to fit the crime, so to speak.

[derek6363]

I will use some of those they are a good base and thanks for the thoughs on punishment

[Tojo]

Ok that sounds good I like that idea. When you first start out do you go easy onpunishments for a bit till they get use to it or are you strict right off the bat

You've got to do what's right for you guys Derek- each relationship is different. I personally am not big on punishments at all, showing my disapproval or disappointment is about the worst it gets.

[Ozme52]

Don't just rely on the responders. Read the information discussions and threads.

I like the sub to do position practice. Some are meditative and help her to be comfortable with her submission, some are strictly for your viewing and using pleasure.

[derek6363]

ok heres another question I just got my sub a leather collar. I wasn t sure about her showering with it on if it would damage thew collar?

[Ozme52]

Depends on the materials.

If you want it to be more or less waterproof, mink oil is a great repellant. She might need to treat the buckles and rivets with something as well. But it will require extra maintenance to survive, not only the water, but soaps and shampoos and conditioners.

[Tojo]

ok heres another question I just got my sub a leather collar. I wasn t sure about her showering with it on if it would damage thew collar?

Have her take it off IMO- either the buckle or studs will rust, the stitching will rot, or it'll go mouldy from not being able to dry properly. So will her neck!

More importantly a sub should always be clean & fresh :)

A good point from Oz about reading through the posts & info on the forum- don't just rely on this thread. Try the search button.

(Oz often says wise things & is usually worth listening to ;) )

[derek6363]

ok thankyou

[alpha_Straye]

ok heres another question I just got my sub a leather collar. I wasn t sure about her showering with it on if it would damage thew collar?

a leather collar should be removed for bathing. the water would damage the leather and metal.

also, the wet leather being on her neck till it dries naturally on a daily basis might promote fungus or rashes.

[alpha_Straye]

oops. i didnt see that Tojo had covered the fungus or rashes point. sorry *smile*

[babygirl1204]

Do you mind if I ask what riles you have?

Derek, Sir Daddy doesn't enforce a lot of rules on me because we only get together a few times a month. Here are a few things we do.

**We keep in touch daily via email, he needs to know what is going on in my day to day life.

**When he is on the road for busines (which seems like all the time) I send him different fantasies so on his return me I know to be expecting some sort of punishment.

**When we are spending time together I address him as Sir or Sir Daddy at all times, I don't think I have ever used his real name.

**I never question his athority nor would I tell him NO for any reason, even if it were something I wasn't sure about...(this is the try everything twice rule).

**We both show each other the respect due to each other as D/s.

**We always have open discussion after and punishment has been enforced to make sure both of us are ok with before doing it again.

**This one is stupid but it is done everytime we are together...a glass of wine, I don't drink except during open discussion time with Sir Daddy.

**I am to wear a garter EVERY time I am at his house and I am not allowed to have any underware on not even a thong.

**I have to be shaved at all times he does not like stubble on any part of my body. (I wonder all the time if I were to not shave my legs once would he catch it since I have to keep my garter and stockings on.)

My Sir Daddy is very much into punishment and dress and I try my best to make sure he has a reason to punish me and that I'm dressed in a way that excites him when we are together.

The most important thing I can say about the way Sir Daddy and I communicate is that my punishment is always based on fantasies shared while he is out of town. I have to be very careful in what I send in the emails because I know that my punishment could or wil most likely be from what he read in my emails. If I want to try something new or really like something I always include it in our communication.

I hope this helps you a little. Sir Daddy is out of town more than he is in town I'm just happy we have the time we do together and for that I try to make it as exciting for him as he always does for me.

babygirl

[derek6363]

It helps it is giving me a few ideas thankyou.

[Hime]

My girl and I don't have a really serious relationship -- we see each other once or twice a month, and we both see other people. We have two ongoing rules. One is that when we are having sex in real life or having cyber or phone sex, or if we are talking online or on the phone and she wishes to masturbate, she can't cum until she has my permission. The other is that at any time I can text or call her and ask for a picture of her or part of her in any position or clothing/lack thereof that I wish, and she has to send it to me immediately.

D. does not have many rules for me, either. The one thing that we always do is, when he gets home, I sit down at his feet and remove his shoes and socks for him. Usually I give him a quick foot rub, too. We've done other things on a limited-time basis, like me having to be naked whenever we're alone in the apartment, or having to wear certain undergarments, etc.

[derek6363]

We just started trying her hold her orgasms till I give her permission. But it is very hard for her do you have any methods you would recomend?

[babygirl1204]

We just started trying her hold her orgasms till I give her permission. But it is very hard for her do you have any methods you would recomend?

Learning to control will take time and I'm sure you will find out that over time you will make sure that she cums before you give premission because it is always a good reason for punishment.

I love it when Sir Daddy won't stop knowing I can't hold it any longer, I get to cum and I know I'm getting a spanking and the night is still young I'm going to still get to cum again later with him.

babygirl

[Polaris]

Learning to control will take time and I'm sure you will find out that over time you will make sure that she cums before you give premission because it is always a good reason for punishment.

I love it when Sir Daddy won't stop knowing I can't hold it any longer, I get to cum and I know I'm getting a spanking and the night is still young I'm going to still get to cum again later with him.

babygirl

Great if that works for you, but I'd like to throw in a word of caution there. I for my part would feel very bad -- betrayed even -- if he forced the issue and I got punished later for simply not being able to hold it back...well, it would be devastating for me. Same applies for everything that is simply something I can't do. I like my tasks to remain in the realm of achievable. He doesn't need a reason to spank me, or inflict on me whatever he chooses to (within our agreed limits, that is), but to punish me -- seriously punish me -- I would have had to mess up somewhere. And this is something I try to avoid...simply because punishment. just. isn't. any. fun. :)

As far as the original question is concerned, I agree -- it takes some practice and getting used to (as does actually having to ask, grumble). For me, there is no real trick to it. It's all about wanting to hold it in...or more importantly, do what pleases him. The rest is just tensing my muscles and thinking "nononononononononononono, oh please nonono, not yeeeeeeet". That's probably not very useful, but it works for me (surprisingly, quite reliably). :)

[Ozme52]

For us, she knows I don't condone it... and she knows I like forcing her to cum without permission because it proves I have more control over her body than she does.

But it is not a punishment-worthy offense... and won't be until the day she doesn't try to resist with all her will.

Besides... if I didn't have that kind of control, I wouldn't be able to make her cum untouched with just my verbal command. She's very responsive.

[BBWdehumanizingyou]

As the others have said, keep in mind what your sub and you have discussed, also it may help to spend the time writing out on your own what may benefit the submissive to do better for her/himself within inner growth. I also advise to make the rules simple when first developing them so comprehension is easier and that no one gets confused, over time as the growth grows within the submissive to make them become more complex.

Hopefully this advice helps as well

[Dea Menrfa]

This was a fabulous discussion, thank you!

Polaris - you bring up an excellent point. What is good for one couple, can be devastating for another. Communication is obviously very important.

I will be directing one of my potential subs to this forum, as we are laying the groundwork now for a potential future collaring. This one I will do right... this one matters. :)

[jeanne]

For us, she knows I don't condone it... and she knows I like forcing her to cum without permission because it proves I have more control over her body than she does.

But it is not a punishment-worthy offense... and won't be until the day she doesn't try to resist with all her will.

Besides... if I didn't have that kind of control, I wouldn't be able to make her cum untouched with just my verbal command. She's very responsive.

:) and :o