Journalling

[gemmy]

I see this suggested often and every time I do, I literally cringe. The very thought of keeping a journel freaks me out entirely. I think it's in large part due to the fear of having anyone read it and judge me as a result of it.

Yes, there's some serious trust issues there for sure and I know that writing out what's in my head would likely help me to resolve tons of things but I still cannot do it. Even when I do try, I write an edited version of what I really want to say so it's not even an honest entry.

I buy them, have tons of empty, beautiful journal books in the hope that I can start writing in it. It never happens and goes in the stack of all the other unwritten journals on the shelf.

I once, successfully filled a journal when I was 19 about what was going on in my life at the time and I still love going back to read it.

It's just a weird mental block or something seriously holding me back. Even as I write this, I think about all the responses that will suggest I write slowly, take my time, write small general things to get the ball going, etc.... and my angst already grows lol

Anyone else have 'journal trust' issues?

[Polaris]

My old journals are full of lies -- I think mostly because I had to maintain the picture I tried to present to the world, even for myself. I was afraid that it would crumble as soon as I wrote down the truth, my real feelings, etc. Words seem to have a lot of power...anyway :)

Although I tried to become a more open, more honest person (which actually worked, I'm still having problems getting something touchy out at times, and be it only in a personal journal. So, just a few suggestions with hopes that they are helpful and not contributing to any writing-anxiety:

- Have you ever tried the "write then delete" method? Sometimes I just sit down and write whatever is on my mind (rather frantically scribbling, or more likely typing), and when I'm done I delete it again. Knowing that the thing will be gone again once I've written it down helps me to just write it. Very simple, but works for me.

- The Letter Method: for some reason, it's easier for me to write letters addressing somebody (either a real person or a fictional one). It feels more distant, and not as confessional and close to the aorta as writing a journal does. I don't send the letters, of course. The form simply makes it easier for me.

- The Third Person Method: Writing in third person rather than first helps too at times. It's a distance thing, I believe -- and in doubt you can always say 'it's not about me!'. I do the same with short-stories and poetry. It's not about me. It's all for the sake of art. What the muse demanded. Gah. :)

[Euryleia]

Have you considered getting an updated security program for your computer to protect what you write? Just the peace of mind, knowing that your writing is not just password protected but encrypted might help you to do the journalling.

Also realize that not all things work for all people and that this isn't the only way to reach resolution. You probably have the block against the revealing of your deepest thoughts for a good reason. You just need to find a way to do the deep reflection that a journal facilitates.

Have you considered meditation? Find a nice submissive position to work from. Take your position, calm and center yourself and honestly confront your issue. Don't edit yourself, let yourself feel the emotions and truly think about what is important.

There are also a number of trust exercises you can do with your partner. One of my favorite is to blindfold my pet and verbally guide her around the house and even outdoors. Start slowly and then move faster as she realizes that I will take care of seeing for her.

Good luck and best wishes on finding what can work for you.

[gemmy]

Have you considered getting an updated security program for your computer to protect what you write? Just the peace of mind, knowing that your writing is not just password protected but encrypted might help you to do the journalling.

Also realize that not all things work for all people and that this isn't the only way to reach resolution. You probably have the block against the revealing of your deepest thoughts for a good reason. You just need to find a way to do the deep reflection that a journal facilitates.

Have you considered meditation? Find a nice submissive position to work from. Take your position, calm and center yourself and honestly confront your issue. Don't edit yourself, let yourself feel the emotions and truly think about what is important.

There are also a number of trust exercises you can do with your partner. One of my favorite is to blindfold my pet and verbally guide her around the house and even outdoors. Start slowly and then move faster as she realizes that I will take care of seeing for her.

Good luck and best wishes on finding what can work for you.

Thanks for the thoughts Euryelia, and yes having a partner to help work it out would be a wonderful thing ;) Someday it may even be a reality but until then it's all me.

The quick stroke of panic that flashed through me when you posed typing my journal (encrypted or not) was frightening lol - somehow it seems worse for me to type it than to write it, why? I have no idea - just weird I guess.

I like the idea of meditating and will have to think more on it and figure out how I can do it to reveal to myself what's holding me back and why.

Thanks again :)

[Euryleia]

Sweetie, I have to tell you I laughed out loud when you said it was all you. You see, I've only successfully journaled when I've been made to do it. Whether by a teacher, a therapist, or a Mistress--it took someone else requiring it before I set pen to paper.

[Daes]

I have a new one, I propmised myself to be honest with myself and the this journal will be nothing but Truth, hard and cruel and clear. It's difficult sometimes, it forces one to deal with issues that we'd like to ignore. I'm trying to keep this one for ME, trying to get it into my own head and heart that this book is for ME, not for my friends or family, not for Him, not for any lover or stranger, but simply Me.

The journal is soft leather bound, about two inches thick. Sometiumes writing the truth itself is hard, it makes you admit things you don't want to, though by keeping this journal, I've found that it can be a necessity. That said, this journal, although true to my heart and feelings, is dangerous. It could easily start drama that could possibly end friendships, I'm well aware of the risk I take by writing in it, so I take care to keep it safe. Though again, it's for Me, no one else. It's a therapuetic release for me, and that is all that matters. I rarely do things for Me, being as I am and loving to do things for others, but this is Mine.

Why take the risk of having a leather bound journal when I can have an online one? Well... I've tried online journals. I tried them after my mother found the one I had when I was twelve. I went through three online journals. Each one ended up being fake half the time. This has gotten better only because I've stopped giving Out my online journal link. When you have an online journal, you want to decorate it then show off what you got on it, you want ppl to comment on the things you write to get other opinions or have supprt for what you've written. This is all well and good but (for me at least) I started thinking that entries that I wanted to write would sound too ranty, or whiney, or immature - you end up editing things to make yourself sound different.

In a journal/diary, you should never have to Censor how you feel, because when you do, you hide the truth and you sometimes, hide it from yourself.

Even if I find a Master for me, this journal is Mine. I will fear no punishment from the contents within it, for the book is a collection of thoughts, memories, and emotions, all of which are true to me and I wont be punished for how I feel. I have a hard time sorting out my emotions, I have an even harder time speaking about them or confronting others about how I feel about things and this journal was made by me to rectify that. Writing in it helps me discover things about myself and underlying issues with people and things. When my emotions are in chaos, writing sorts it out.

I don't want to be afraid to write in my own journal, it is my one possession that is essentially a part of me.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I do as well, gem, and I was one of those women who kept journals for years. But I was in an abusive first marriage where my husband found and read my journals. He was convinced that I was sleeping around on him. Considering the fact that he was often gone for weeks at a time, I had plenty of time to find someone new and almost did sleep with someone else (but that's another story). And I did have a one-night stand on the day I filed for divorce (my husband was in jail, so I wouldn't have been caught by him).

All of this stemmed from his family. His mother was 18 and pregnant with him when she married his father (who was 25). By the time she was 25 she had three small children. She also had a drug addict for a husband. Then she started having affairs. My husband's parents divorced when he was 13 and he chose to live with his father, while his younger brother and sister lived with their mother. So all they heard was what an SOB their father was, while all my husband heard was what a slut their mother was. So he grew up being told that women aren't to be trusted, that they'll sleep around any chance they get, etc. So my husband was convinced that I would do the same. So he started reading my journals, even though I didn't put stuff down like that in them. I remember once that I walked inside the house and caught him reading my journal. There was something in it that he didn't like and he threw it at me.

I keep wanting to keep a journal again. I love reading published journals, much more so than autobiographies or memoirs (though my favorite book I've ever read is a memoir). I have blank books and I'll start writing for awhile and then I'll stop. I'm not sure exactly what is holding me back. I have stacks and stacks of books on my side of the bed, which is part of my personal library. Master never goes through them, unless there is a reference book there that He needs (W/we are both writers, so I keep reference books there as well). He will usually ask me to get whatever book He needs (I think He does this because He's afraid that if He pulls out one of the books all the stacks will come crashing down. It's happened before!). So I could very easily keep my journals there and He wouldn't bother them. In fact, my journals ARE there. I know Master would not read them. He's a person who values others' privacy. But I still can't seem to get myself motivated to begin journaling again. And I really want to.

[cadence]

I have tried a few times to start a journal, but can never get past the first entry.
I am much better at sorting out my thoughts in my head throughout the day rather then writing them down. And like Eurylea said, for me to write a journal on a regular basis would require someone else to make me do it.

I have just recently started an online journal to sort out my thoughts on submission and share some new experiences. I had decided to start one because of TG mainly. I am one of the most confused submissives around and being able to write out my thoughts on certain issues, helps me and helps him as well. I also don't want to waste the time we spend together trying to analyze everything I do or want to do.

I don't worry too much about what I write. I am honest and don't mind sharing my thoughts. I am probably more open this way. There really isn't anything I don't share. I don't know though if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Right now I have so many things to write, and I hope that I continue on with it for a while.

[Kevin100]

MastersGem
This whole thread is full of 'stuff'. I do know the problem of writing a huge number of lies into a journal because we want to be something that we are not.
I would also note that in meditation a person is best served by neither attaching ourselves to thoughts or feelings, and also not to feel revulsion towards a feeling or thought. The idea being not to get too attached, nor to let a feeling dominate you because you are always pushing it away. Seacceptance is key to mental health. You can set a security password for most any documents that you don't want any one to read. Many men also have problems with self-acceptance. Most especially I had problems with finding sadism so erotic. It was helpful for me to remember that domination was not the same as bullying.....which also caused me to take domination far more seriously and inject a great deal of love and compassion into dominating anything.
I am not sure this has helped, but it is an interesting thread
Kevin100