Relationship Question

[Krougar]

Hello, as you can see I am new here, I hope posting in this section is OK.

I have a question.

How do you go about finding a relationship partner who shares similar kinks? Or what is the best way to talk to your current partner about any kinks you might have?

I have been talking to some girls at my university but I have been hesitant to really get into a relationship with any of them due to not knowing how to approach the issue.

I guess I would be considered the dominate as I am trying to find a female "sub" who really enjoys bondage and submitting, the S&M area isn't something I am personally interested in though.

Any advice on this would be great -

Thank you,

[Euryleia]

Posting is very much okay and you've asked a good question. Finding out if someone likes bondage or submission is a lot like finding out their other interests. You need to talk to them. Open communication from the start and continuing as you go forward is essential to the success of any relationship.

If there is something that you can use to lead into the conversation, that can help. For example, go to a movie that might have the damsel tied up and threatened and confess over coffee that you got a little hot thinking about that. You can also use stories of your particular kink. Write one yourself and ask for help editing it or print someones else's work out and let her read it. Gauge her reaction--did she flush, drop her eyes, or run screaming from the room.

Share fantasies with your potential/current partner. Make it tit for tat or there is always the old truth or dare game. Sometimes I've found that once the conversation starts, it is hard to stop sharing. :weg:

Good luck and good talking.

[ashtonDs]

The first thing I would suggest is to stop avoiding relationships. Even one with a kinky side is only as a good as the dynamic between the two partners.

Second, if you feel that she doesn't like the sound of your ideas but stays with you, back up, let it go for a while. You are young (or so you sound in your posting) and have plenty of time. Don't spoil things by coming on too strong. After a time, ask again in a different way.

I am talking to my wife about bondage and she gave me an absolute no right off. After a time I came back and told her I wasn't looking to put her in chains and beat the crap out of her, but that is what she thought. No, I said. What I would like to do is to tie you to our bed, not uncomfortably, with soft smooth ropes, and kiss and cuddle and stroke you. You would not be in any position to kiss cuddle or stroke back, you would just be like a sponge soaking up all my affections. I will slowly build your arousal until you feel like you cannot stand it anymore. Then, when I let you cum, it will be the biggest explosion of your life. It will be like fires, and fountains, and flowers. I want to have to peel you off the ceiling, or have you floating in the clouds. I want you to be wobbly in the knees. I want it to be an hour before you stop moaning.

As I told her this I got more and more excited myself. She saw that and didn't say no this time, and she is thinking it over. Soon I will ask again.

Sometimes we forget to let our partner know what's in it for them. We look selfish, even predatory. Remember it is a relationship not a dictatorship. Maybe even suggest that she can do the same for you. You said you are dominant. "I guess." Maybe you aren't. Maybe you are a switch. Maybe not. Take the time to find out.

Explore. Don't rush. Have fun.

[~faerie~]

^ ummm...that sounds really good......

Both Euryleia and ashton have very good points. Defintely feel out your potential partner, leading into what you are interested in. Get to know them well as a person, thoughts, feelings, fears. You have to earn their trust. Go from there.
It suprised me the first time i brought it up to my ex. At first he looked at me like i was nuts, but then i actually explained the dynamics to him. We talked at length about i was intested in, then i would ask "What do you think?" Once we came to a common ground we started off very slowly. A little spanking here, a bit of light bondage there. I topped from the bottom, at first. *blushes* Until he was comfortable. Then it just fell into place from there. I hope that helps.

[Lamb2005]

It also might help to find a community of like minded people. Search for a "munch" in your area. And remember that you have lots of time. You don't have to do everything at once.
L

[Tojo]

Welcome Krougar. Your question has been answered very well by Ashton & Euryleia, from what I can see.

I've been interested in kinky stuff for a looong time, & wouldn't set out to find a partner on the basis of kink alone. Not saying it wouldn't work....:dont:

I told my wife of my interests when we met, & she came around to a fair extent. Unfortunately then my tastes changed from submission to domination, & by the time she got interested in being the 'tied one' her health isn't up to it. :(

Still- the age old question is whether or not a great relationship with another person & a little kinkiness is preferable to a whole lot of kinkiness & a mediocre relationship. You can get both, but it sure ain't easy.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

After being trapped in a vanilla marriage for ten years I decided that my next relationship was going to be a kinky one. I purposefully set out to look for one and it was not an easy thing to do. I live in the Bible Belt and trying to find kinky people here is like trying to find the proverbial needle in a haystack. I would not have been able to find my Master if not for the Internet. There are websites that can help you locate groups, munches, clubs and dungeons in your area or in cities close to you. You can also visit forums like this one and place personal ads. You can join in chat rooms with like-minded people.

It will take some time to find a person and build up a relationship. I was online for several months before I met my Master and then chatted with Him for a year before W/we met IRL. It is possible to have a wonderful and kinky relationship with someone. It's not easy to accomplish, but it can be done.

[Krougar]

Thank you for the input, it has all been helpful. I might be over thinking this a little as well, I don't think most girls who I am interested in would have much objection to light/medium bondage.

I guess my real problem is getting the strength to actually bring up the subject.

[Tojo]

If I had my time over again, I'd ask the (uninitiated) girl to lie down & hold onto the bed rails or whatever so she's stretched out- kind of 'just lie still while I tease you & get you all hot...'

A simple progression to 'stop wriggling or I'll have to tie your wrists.'

I just showed my potential wife a couple of bondage magazines & said it was an interest of mine, but she didn't have to participate. Her own interest sparked the beginning of a few rope games & waving of crops & collars around over the years.

If you become a half-way decent Dom, you'll be beating the girls off with a stick. :icon176:

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Krougar:
I might be over thinking this a little as well

Krougar, you are. Go out and have some fun. As you get to know a girl it becomes easier to ask. And if you take some time you won't get a reputation as that "pervert who only wanted to tie me up." Remember, take it slow. You have time. If you try to rush you risk appearing desperate. That is a turn-off in any style relationship.


Originally posted by ShyGreenEyedGrl:
I topped from the bottom, at first. *blushes*

You don't have to be embarrassed. Remember you are half the relationship even (or maybe I should say especially) if you are a sub or a slave. You have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to participate fully in the couple dynamic. Unless of course you only date mind-readers. You did the right thing, allowing him to get to know you better.

(Or if you said something while topping from the bottom that is the real source of your embarrassment...then it's really none of my business. ;))

[ChainsOfGonzo]

It takes time. I remember in my mid-early teens, I was always topping from the bottom, pushing my partners to be more dominant over me. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time, but in retrospect, it's quite clear what my unfulfilled need was.

The one day, I met a guy. And it just happened. It starts out with subtle things. You can be "in control" without having someone tied up. If you're controlling their pleasure, and have an air of authority, that, in essence, is the important part. Things move on from there.

You just have to let things happen naturally and don't be too worried about it. The best things will find you when you aren't even looking.