victims of abuse support for submissives

[Rowen]

I just hope that by sharing it, it gives some sort of comfort in it's knowledge to others that are in or have been through, similar situations.

Karesch, trust me, it does. And you show your strength by telling over here. cos.. yes.. who would expect that strong men to be on the recieving end - because of exactly that strength.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Karesch:
I just hope that by sharing it, it gives some sort of comfort in it's knowledge to others that are in or have been through, similar situations.

And I just hope that you can get some measure of comfort also. We all need a little support after some of the crap we experience. Here we give and get...It's a pretty good deal.

[Karesch]

*smiles* thanks. Psychologically I'm fairly sound I think, I'm one of the fortunate sort of people that can let things go pretty easily and not be bogged down by my own baggage. *shrugs* dunno, guess I'm lucky in that regard, coupled with the fact that my ordeals, while there have been a few, have never lasted very long because I got myself the hell out of the situations once I recognized them for what they were. So I'm mostly here to offer a sympathetic ear to anyone that wants someone to talk too, and to show people that, just because a person is big, tough, and Dominant, doesn't mean their immune to getting into these sorts of situations and it's alright to be/have been there and it's not something to be ashamed of.

K

[denuseri]

if any one needs to talk or needs supposrt in any way feel free to pm me we (the members of the abuse support sancturary have all been on a kinda break from the thread, which helps us rejuvinate in between group meetings and the like.

hugs and kissess
denuseri

[Shadoww]

New here and not submissive. Title made me curious. Took a look - and have never seen something like this before.
Heartbreaking and heartwarming. Do not understand why this thread has come to halt but wish all posters the best.

[denuseri]

Soon my owner and i will be coming out with an addition to the thread on how we deal with "triggers" and recoil issues prior to, during, and after "play".

These things can be devastating for any survivor, some avoid sex (not to mention all human contact) becuase of them.

I am currently in the processs of organizing our efforts for presentation. We understand the unique issues involved in helping a "survivor" not only "deal" but thrive in thier submission once more. So it is my express hope to help as many in our comunity aflicted with these conditions as possible.

thanku all for your participation
hugs and kissess
denuseri

[dewran59]

I am glad i did "bumped" into this thread.

Thanks denu. This thread is so powerful and helpful and that's all i can say at these moment.

[BrightFyrefly]

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I don't think that I am ready to post my story on the thread, but I want you to know that hearing the other stories and knowing that there are other people who are subs and can still enjoy their Doms without their past haunting them bodes well for me getting better.

[Uncle_Ed.]

Thank you to denu for the link to this thread.

I am posting on here because it is a subject on which I have extremely strong feelings. I have chatted with many subs who have been subjected to r/l and on-line bullying in the name of D/s play-and it makes me see red. If there's one thing in this world I can't stand-it's bullying. It's tantamount to abuse and indeed that's what many of you delightful subbies have experienced. Sharing with others can be cathartic but is traumatic at the same time. I bow to those of you brave enough to reveal your anguish and pain and extend *hugs* to you all.

At denu's instigation I will add a poem I wrote on this subject some years back:

A lie too far.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Young girl sits alone in the depths of the night
Young face lit up by the flickering light.
She has her computer and she lives on-line,
her life in suspension with no sense of time.

Now three in the morning the ebb-tide of her soul,
Her mind is fragmented, long time since it's been whole
She looked in at the internet, looking for a cure
For the angst of her teen years, the web sites proved a lure.

She signed into the chatrooms who'd opened up their door
It was easy as she lied to them, said she was twenty-four.
To get in and to flirt was all that really mattered.
She'd been dazzled; she'd been charmed; she'd been deceived and flattered.

Her man had been quite clever and knew just what to say,
He'd thrown open wide his arms and then begged her to stay.
He seemed so real and witty, so pleasant and so kind
While stealing at her will, her soul while messing with her mind.

Young girl sits alone tears dried upon her face.
Her skin is cold and pale for she's gone now from this place.
The pressures he placed on her young mind proving far too much
Oh-how hypnotic his words were-how subtle was his touch.

She could not live without him. She could not tell him no.
So she made up her mind she would give up and go.
She's logged off from life now. The pain has gone away.
Her mind broke like the dawn at the begining of that day.


In support and friendship,

Ed.

[denuseri]

Oh thanku so much for that sir, we need all the help and support we can muster for our fellow survivors, i really am touched and apreciate your efforts on our behalf

we do not have to be broken, we are not alone

[orchidsoul]

It has taken me more than once to read this thread in it's entirety. Tears stream down my face clouding my vision; for lack of understanding how people can harm others, for the abuse endured, and for the strength and resurrection (yes, you've risen) of your spirits.

This thread is both heart wrenching and heart warming. My sincere thanks to each one of you for your bravery, whether in sharing and/or seeking support, because I know there are people out there not quite ready to be seen that are taking heed to your courage and are comforted by your words. You've also taught those of us that may not have known signs or patterns of abuse to be more aware.

I've no experience in being this kind of survivor, and I don't know what, or if, there is anyway I can help... but if there is, I've got a good ear and a warm heart should anyone ever need.

[SUBtly_shy]

Thank you for your post.... I've been TRYING to exsplain to my dom how I deal with my past issues and you put it perfictly... a complet withdraw from life in genral... I've noticed a number of your posts around the site and your always helpful and suportive and just want to give credit and thanks where its due :)

Shy

[denuseri]

I have not done it alone thats for sure.

The real magic has come from my brothers and sisters here at the site who have supported this effort.

Without them i am only a lone voice in the wilderness.

Thanku all very much for your kind words and support.

[Trixielix]

I noticed that triggers were being mentioned quite a bit and thought I'd explain my triggers and how I deal with them. Many have absolutely nothing to do with sexual activity per se, and I found them utterly devastating.

During the attack on me a radio was playing and one of the tracks was "Pure" by The Lightning Seeds. I didn't even notice at the time.

Shopping one day in the city centre I heard it playing and I went into what I can only describe as a total panic. I was in a cold sweat, hyperventilating, crying, shaking, I couldn't see or hear properly and the flashback was so intense it was like it was happening all over again. After this, I was caught out a few times with this song and decided I had to tackle the issue head on. I bought the album and I played that damned track into oblivion in the safety of my own home. It wasn't easy, it took months and months, but eventually I was able to hear this track and not react. Similarly, when I was caught out years later by Billy Ocean and "Red Light Spells Danger" (I hadn't heard it since the attack and had no idea it was a trigger for me), I got someone to tape it for me. Then I put it on in the car at 3am, drove to the University car park and sat and screamed. Sounds mad, but it worked. Then I played it for months.

I now love those tracks and they are no longer triggers for me. I've found that hunting out my triggers and dealing with them one by one has been the easiest way.

When it comes to triggers in a sexual setting, it can be more difficult, but I'm able to discuss this with my OH, ask him to do whatever it is with the warning that I will fall apart and it isn't his fault. If we keep doing this, the trigger stops being a trigger.

I hope this makes sense to anyone reading. I don't in any way think that this will work for everyone, but it did work for me (although it is still a work in progress).

[Kuskovian]

It makes perfect sence and is one of the techniques we have employed to help in my Seri's on going recovery. We call it "Exposure threapy".

[denuseri]

As my husband and owner has mentioned we have indeed used such things as "exposure" to help reaclimate me into overcoming many of my own triggers. Some of which like your own are brought on by the most seemingly mundane of things.

[SUBtly_shy]

Hi all.. I'm not very good at the whole bare my soul thing, I've got LOTS of practice avoiding it. However through lots of LONG talks with my owner on how he wants me to be happy and healthy and that I wont be if I don't work through things.. well you get the idea. So I wrote this story of how things kinda went for me and well if I personalize things I get in a bad spot in my own head, and if I don't talk at all I don't feel any better right? So I'd like to share if anyone is up for it :)
Shy

[denuseri]

Boo u dont ever need to feel compelled to share if you dont want too.

Its very hard i know. It has it catharic value, but dont do anything you dont feel ready too.

HUGGGS.

[SUBtly_shy]

denuseri thanks for the support hun :) trying to get things off my chest isnt really a want but a NEED. I don't really have a better way of dealing with things soooo :) I thought this would be a good place to start. My owner just wants me happy and healthy he would NEVER try and make me talk about things to other people so no worries on that account k?
pm me some time if you feel like chatting
Shy

[BrightFyrefly]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this? I know that everyone reacts to things differently, but I am trying to see if it has helped some people or if it's most likely just going to make things much worse.
Thanks!
Fyrefly

[BrightFyrefly]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this? I know that everyone reacts to things differently, but I am trying to see if it has helped some people or if it's most likely just going to make things much worse.
Thanks!
Fyrefly

[Kuskovian]

I advise caution whenever dealing with known "triggering" situations.

It is one thing to re-expose yourself to certian activities involved with sex and sexual situations (in addition to "exposure therapy") it is another thing to re-enact the tramatic event itself.

[jezabel]

Ive just been reading this thread and many of the posts have made me cry. I was raped by my then bf 14 yr old brother while my bf held me down,when I was 18 and it took me over 20 years to even tell my sister. I finally got councelling for it last year, 23 years after it happened, no I didnt report it and he got away with it. For many years I hid it and the experience was killing me inside.
I was left with the added trauma of an unwanted pregnancy which ended in an abortion at 18 weeks as I tried to hide it, to this day my parents think I was just a stupid slut getting herself pregnant. I was lucky to get pregnant once when I was married but when I couldnt have anymore, tests showed that the abortion had caused so much scarring I was lucky to get pregnant at all. I have a wonderful son but even now the fact he (the rapist) has permantly damaged me hurts so much.
Im getting better now, the councelling has helped but Iwish there had been somewhere like this available for me all those years ago. so I would like to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread and if I can ever help with anything then just let me know xxx

[Euryleia]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this? I know that everyone reacts to things differently, but I am trying to see if it has helped some people or if it's most likely just going to make things much worse.
Thanks!
Fyrefly

It took me a really long time to be able to handle doing a rape scene. Even knowing and trusting my partner, I still would shut down and not feel sexual. You can work towards it with scenes of control and the like but just make sure that they know how to deal if they trigger a panic attack or a flashback in you. They need to be able to ground you and make you feel safe and that can be hard if they are in the head space of kidnapping/raping you.

Communicate ahead of time every possible thing--I did a thread on rape fantasies (R is for Rape Fantasies (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15840) but here are some questions to ask:
1. Will a weapon be used?
2. Will there be abusive language or name calling?
3. Will humiliation or degradation be involved?
4. Will there be actual penetration?
5. Will there be physical violence?
6. What is the safe word?
7. Will the scene be scheduled or will it be a surprise?
8. Will it involve kidnapping?
9. Will it involve a mask, blindfold, bondage, or costumes?
10. What are the limits (choking, slapping, fisting, etc)?
11. Will it involve bodily fluids? If so what type of precautions will be used (condoms, gloves, etc)?
12. At what point will the scene stop?

I hope that helps.

[icey]

I have a very important question for those of you who have abuse history. For a while I was speaking to my Master about the possiblity of acting out a kiddnapping/rape scene to see if it would help me with some of my nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks. Has anyone done this?

i wouldnt recommend it!!
ive done a few re-enacting of r/l scenes in the past, one of which has included abduction and rape etc which i had experience of (im assuming thats what you're saying? sorry if im wrong)
some scenes ive re-enacted have been ok and have been fun though i wouldnt say it has helped in anyway and has always been very emotional afterwards and it can be a bit of a minefield,and in all honesty the two can never possibly compare the reality is no matter how much or what you play thats ALL it is ..just play
dont expect any miraculous results, any problems, past traumas you have wont go away or even be eased in any sense simply because of a re-enactment or a similar type scene.

some ive done have also gone very badly wrong and has left me literally cowering crying even puking in the dark, hiding in corners, in wardrobes you name it! forgetting who what or where the hell i am and that is NOT a good place to be, it takes a lot of coming out of and can fuck up your head, the mind is a very complex thing.

but the worst of all is if you go numb, ever truly had that feeling? believe me there is nothing worse than being totally disassociated from reality, you're not there the worlds not really there nothings real i cant explain it properly and its also extremely frightening for your partner...much more so than being a quaking shivering wreck.

i dont want to sound like some pompous know all (which i probably do sorry) but ffs please think very very carefully about it, your Masters not a trained psych or therapist or whatever and even if he was he's too close to you anyway, dont fuck with that stuff please ...at best you might come away thinking what was the point and maybe some ppl have maybe although i bet there very few and far between and at worst you could really cause yourselves some damage, why do you think hypnotic and/or regression is criticised and practically unused these days?

if you do go ahead be very very careful and dont even bother discussing a safe word you're really going to have to trust your Master on this one 150%

ok sorry lecture over..i'll probably get some flak for this post lol but you asked and i answered :) whatever you decide on take care love.

[denuseri]

I reccomend you take your time and consult a professional medical phycologist that deals in recovery before embarking on any theraputic reginum.

Exposure therapy and edmr are techniques that have worked for me.

Slow and steady wins the race.

[denuseri]

So how many people are interested in getting together for another support group meeting in chat?

[BrightFyrefly]

I would like to, just give me a date and time and I'll see if I can make it.

[denuseri]

It will probably be this friday or saterday, or the next,, the rest of the sancturary members are checking in so we can organize it.

So look for a post here telling the time and date soon, with instructions on how to enter the private chat room we will use for the meeting.

[StormKat]

I just wanted to say how cool I think this thread is, how brave the people who shared the things that have happened to them, how supportive the responses & suggestions & help that has been offered. It really shows the sense of community in this group & I'm glad to have joined you.

For me, personally, I cannot claim to be a victim of the situation I found myself in many years ago as a very young, very foolish & very naive girl. Rather, I was complicit in what happened to me because I could have stopped it but I didn't. I was in college when I fell madly in love with one of my martial arts instructors - eventually dropping out of school, cutting off all contact with my family & most friends after we got engaged & began living together. Which is when, surprise, it all changed & the abuse began - emotional, physical & sexual.

And I did nothing to stop it. Even when held up by the throat a foot off the ground so he could look me in the eye as he banged the back of my head into the wall, I did nothing. I, the person who stood as protector to others, didn't defend myself. Even though I knew many ways to break his hold, to free myself & counterattack, I couldn't bring myself to strike someone I loved. Of that stain, at least, my honor is clean.

I do, of course, recognize that his actions were his own and that they were not caused by anything I may have done or said. I hold no guilt for the choices he freely made, despicable as they were. But I am responsible for my own decisions, and by choosing not to stop him from hurting me, I contributed to that environment & to the subsequent acts that occurred until it ended.

I realize that my story is different than most & I have the utmost respect for all involved this discussion, especially those that have come forth to share their experiences.

Kat

[denuseri]

Abuse is abuse, weather you were complicite somehow in it in regards to yourself or not.

In some cases stockholm syndrom is the term used to describe such behavior, i myself at various points throughout my ordeal suffered from variations of it.

[isis646]

well I finally did it; I broke up with my "Master". I just couldn't take anymore and he hadn't been respecting Our rules or my hard limits. So I told him I was done with this relationship if he didn't start respecting me and our agreements. He didn't say much so I told him to leave.
I know I did the right thing but it certainly doesn't feel the best right now. I guess I expected him to say he was sorry and wanted to work it out and instead he just walks out.
I've boxed up everything he's bought for us and that's as far as I've gotten. It was hard to hear that truck of his leaving.
There's so many mixed emtions right now but mostly I am angry @ him and myself for staying with him when it became obvious he wasn't going to respect the rules. Well i think i'm going to get some sleep its been a hard day & I'm exhausted.

[denuseri]

I am so sorry to hear things didnt work out for you.

Trust is somthing that needs to be earned with deeds.

I will pray for your continued saftey.

Please make sure you have a reponsible third party for security's sake and let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

[Socrates]

I haven't read every post in this thread but I don't have to do that to see the good this is capable of performing. When I first became a Dom (in 1984) there was no Internet and it was all very underground. The people in this lifestyle were almost all very genuine, and the essence of dominance was about protection, management and responsible decision making. It wasn't about trying to fool someone into bed, or about trying it out for the hell of it until you got bored. The Internet has revolutionised this lifestyle but one outcome has been that the proportion of genuine people involved (especially males) has dropped remarkably. I've been visiting this site for a long time on and off but only registered today. This site appears so far to be a sanctuary for those who want to be in this lifestyle for the best and most meaningful reasons. The fact that this particular thread is needed is regrettable but a well established fact of life these days. The fact that this thread is so well attended and thoughtful is a tribute to those participating.

[Heels62]

Very impressive thread.

[FatherTimejr]

Im not a sub, but this thread is amazing. Im really pleased to see something like this and I hope everyone who needs it gets the help they need. If anyone ever needs an ear, im around...

[isis646]

I am so sorry to hear things didnt work out for you.
Trust is somthing that needs to be earned with deeds.
I will pray for your continued saftey.
Please make sure you have a reponsible third party for security's sake and let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

Its alright it was the best thing for me. I just need to move on.
I beleive he shouldn't be a problem but i did file an order of protection. My neighbor is the local police chief and he is aware of the truck etc.
I just need time to heal and move on with my life and maybe i'll find another r/l Master who will respect me and treat me right or this could be the end of my BDSM life for awhile. Either way I know I'll be alright.
I stilll enjoy my ownership with Master_E from this forum etc. He is my online Sir and is very good to me so far.

[angela_shy]

Its alright it was the best thing for me. I just need to move on.
...
I stilll enjoy my ownership with Master_E from this forum etc. He is my online Sir and is very good to me so far.

wise moves. (((((big hugs))))) from little me - you dealt well with the crap :)

[denuseri]

I will be in chat today with MysteriousFun to host a meeting of the support group sancturary from Noon cst till whenever we stop, come bye if your interested, see myself or Mysterious for the password to enter the private chat

[Stace]

hi. I feel a little awkard posting here because im still new and what not. I wanted to say thanks to den for starting this thread, its helped me quite a bit. I dunno how to say this so i guess ill just blurt it out.

I recntly found someone lol, who im very intersteaded in but i find it so hard to look at Him. He's so very similar in looks and sometimes in manner to the way someone else used to be who wasnt, well very nice. Its strange cos i know this person and when i cant see Him (talk over the net or hear His voice) i feel fine. But when i see Him all i can think about is being back in situations out of my control and an aboslute fear all over. I start to cy and shake and i cant stop it. I dont know what to do about this can anyone help?

Stace

oh and sry for my spelling and grammar, its rly bad i know.

[BrightFyrefly]

Honey, this reaction is completely normal. I actually have a similar situation with someone who occasionally rides my bus. I get angry and afraid every time I see him, and it's completely out of my control. A good thing that might help is, if you can, look at him closely and pick out the things that are different. Make sure that he knows what's going on, and make sure he knows about habits or phrases that remind you of that other person. See if he can help you get through the visual memory so that it doesn't affect you as much anymore. Please, let me know if it helps, too. I would love to know that I was able to help someone.

[denuseri]

I allways reccomend you get professional medical help from a lisenced therapist at the very least.

It is allways difficult dealing with triggers,, especially triggers that are somehow for no reason we can imagine related to our loved ones.

You say his voice doesnt cuase any negative response?

A blindfold might be in order, or mabey if he changes the way he does his hair??

Also as firstmatefyrefly is saying you might be able to re-focus on the other things to the exclusion of the part thats cuasing the trigger to occur, it wont be easy and may take a lot of time and effort to accomplish. The goal is to redefine the cuase of the trigger into a positive feeling as opposed to a negative reminder.

We have used "exposure" and "redefinition" techniques for much of my own therapy.

Recently I have been having EMDR sessions with my therapist ans it is working pretty well.

Eaither way if your going to be serious with this guy you have to at least consider telling him about it.

My Owner had to basically start from sctratch with me, so many things... from the most mundane acts such as plain old fashion touching, ....to the extremes of some bdsm play activities... cuased triggers for me. (I still can't go down the stairs into the basement despite my best efforts) sighs, one day mabey.

It was and still is in some respects a long struggle to identify and redefine these things that remind me of what happened from something terrible into something I can handle if not find pleasurable or even wonderful again.

I do hope this helps you some Stace.

...and as allways feel free to contact myself or the Abuse Survivor's Sanctuary for support (found in the social groups section of your profile page), we will help in whatever way we can.

hugs and kissess
be strong my sisters
denuseri

[naomi57 {ukMC}]

hi denu when i was 16 i was rapped in broad daylight and was dragged into the mens loo by my hair and had to endure many hours of assault and abuse by this one man i fell pregnant by this man at the time i was a catholic so couldnt have a abortion and wouldnt so i gave my son up for adoption and still waiting for this very day that my son will find me and knock on my door and ask me what i asked my real mum as i was adopted to why did you not keep me and will tell him the truth that i couldnt because i was to young at the time and my adopted parents wouldnt let me then i met my youngest son dad who abused and used me like a doormat use to beat me if the dinner was not ready or it was to cold etc etc he also stabbed me on the right side of my belly and i almost died this was all in front of my youngest son so i stood up for my rights and pressed charges and he was sent to prison for 5 years for attempted murder the first rape he was also sent to prison for 8 years but the court made me feel so small as the accused lawyer said that i was asking to be rapped as i was wearing a mini skirt at the time my oldest son dad was different he was the loviest man that i ever had but had to go back with his parents where they original come from and now on this very day i have a lovely Master/partner who i love so much and have been with my Master/partner for nearly 5 years and wouldnt change him for anything or anyone

[Stace]

thanks for your help den and firstmate. I havent yet had a chance to talk to Him but when i do im egar to try out what youve both suggested, and ill let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for helping me, i know it dosent sound like much but i cant think of any other way to thank you.

[denuseri]

No thanks are nessesary Stace, I would be here eaither way if you know what I mean.

I just hope you find whats going to work for you sis.

I am so sorry Naomi hugs for you boo.

The system is all too often stacked against us and it sucks. One reason many of us avoid going to the law.

My own situation was never brought to any "legal" conclusion, and alltough some of the bastards were brought to a kind of frontier justice, too many are still "out there".

I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have to tell a child that they are the byproduct of something so terrible (my own event left me unable to bear offspring and I guess in way I am lucky for that).

You are both very brave to come forward and share your pain with us... and for that ... ....it is I who must thank you.

Alltough at times we still suffer from the pain of the scars we bear and the memory of what was done to us may be with us forever:

We are not broken...

...nor are we alone!

[AndreaDawne]

I dreaded to read this thread.
But now I finally decided to do that today. Don't know why. But I am glad I did.
And wow denuseri you really did let something out of me.
I have been sexually abused by my mom's boyfriends (yes more than one). And I lost my self esteem and anything that was inside of me.
I got into some wrong crowds and done somethings I aint proud of.
I have been physically abused by a man I had given my life to and took me and my kids along time to heal. (Not completely)
Yet I haven't met anyone to actually make me feel like I am worth a damn. I currently have a boyfriend and he isn't any different from any other assholes I have met.
Anyways what I am wanting to say is that I now see you as a mentor. If you can heal from something so horrible and monstrious than I know I can too.
Thanks for starting this post.
A

[Euryleia]

Thanks for sharing, AndreaDawne. You're right, this thread has been great to help start conversations and continue healing for a lot of folks. denuseri has done us all a great service with starting the discussion and keeping it active.

Hugs to all.

[denuseri]

I sure havent done this alone.

The real magic here is all of you that have come forward to support, share and grow together as we come together help our fellow survivors. So that hopefully one day we can all embrace and enjoy not just BDSM again but the whole of our beings. So that we can all thrive more in the splendor of living, stronger for our experiences.

[denuseri]

Establishing hard limits is somthing esential, especially for us, our trust was once broken or shattered by others and the dominant that wants us to be thier's and trust and thrive under thier dominion has a lot of ground to re-cover.

You simply can't "push" one of us through these things, it takes a lot of time and patience to coax us forth.

It first of all has to be somthing that we initiate in many cases, which is extra trying for a dominant to understand.

Some questions for all of us:

Does your dominant know about what happened to you?

Are they part of or included in your recovery stratagies?

Do they go to therapy with you?

Are they going online here and trying to find out how to help you?

Secondary Survivors (partners and supporters of Survivors) are more than welcome and encouraged to participate as well,

I know my Owner has been an interagal part of every step of my own recovery.

[BrightFyrefly]

My Master has been more than an important part of my healing, he was the one who was able to work through the nightmares and panic attacks, and the addictions that I had aquired to try to handle what was happening in my head. Now, as I tell him, I tell you...There will never be a replacement for him. There might be someone somewhere out there who might be able to help as well, but my Master is one of a kind.

[denuseri]

Bump

[markus_valtion]

i'm so happy there is a thread like this. i thank you form the bottom of my heart denuseri.

i too have been abused. i was raped several times and babrely survived.. by the brother of a friend (so i thought) when i was 8 years. i coulnt remeber anything of it until a year ago. when i started having very intense flashbacks. and had to live through it again. if it wasnt for my wonderfull friends i woulndt have been here anymore. they are also the only ones who know what hapend. until now. my parents dont know about it. and i'm afraid to tell them cause they'll just drag me to therapy. i still have flashbacks but they are getting better. i'm just happy i survived.

it made me to the person i am today. and it made me stronger. cause i lived through it. so the rest of my life is alot easyer. and i'll never give up.

thank you again for this wonderfull thread. and my advice to everybody out there. talk to your friends. and most of all never ever give up.

[Bears2009]

Thank you All

I was abused and would like to say that the positive things in life come forward and that is how you get through the ordeal .

[moco]

Although my abuse was a quite awhile ago and didnt involve BDSM, I was too young, only 11. I didnt even know what sex was much less knowing what assault or rape was. It changed my whole perspective on life. I became withdrawn, reclusive, shy. I didnt tell anyone what happened (not for many any yrs at least). When I finally had to seek help after having a breakdown in which my husband at the time didnt or couldnt understand why having such a thing happen to me would affect me so many years later. Remembering back to when it happened I became self destructive, depressed even to the point of being suicidal. Shortly after it happened I started to cut even tried to kill myself. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get to where I am now. Thinking on it I think that maybe that is why I have led the life I have, very sheltered, anytime anyone mentioned anything to do with sex I shied away from it. Although I am more open with my kids about sex, I wanted them to feel free to ask me anything. And coming to this site sure has opened me up about what I am interested in and I find everyone in chat very helpful. In my search to find where I fit I am in no hurry and I am looking forward to the many discoveries that await me as I finally explore and become free. Thank you denuseri for your bravery in starting this thread. I am sure it will help a lot of those who have similar experiences that you have faced. And you have done much more then survived. You have become a very strong and wonderful person that you are today.

[denuseri]

Thank you all for being so brave and coming forward about your experiences. Its a very very hard thing to do.

I really think its helps us a lot to know we are not alone and that there is hope for a better tomarrow.

I had a lot of troubles in this department myself and have good and bad days now, mostly good.

[LolitaDoll]

I too have been abused, beaten, and left broken. This March will be 2 years that I have been free from the abuse.

This is my story. I hope it also helps someone.

I met my (now ex) husband in December of 2003 when I was 16 and he was 17. At the time I was engaged to an 18 year old off in basic/AIT for the Army. Things had been happening between my fiance and I and I started to lose touch with him. My (now ex) husband, I suppose, fell in love with me and asked me twice a day for 2 weeks if I'd just give him a chance. After one last attempt at contact with my fiance and hearing that he had moved on anyways, I gave in.

My relationship with him was fine at first. We lived only 45 minutes away. Over the next few months, our relationship got very rocky and there were several times we broke up. Every time we did, he would act very possessive and call, email, IM constantly until I agreed to speak with him and give him another chance. Now, this should have given me a clue that the worst was yet to come if I continued to see him but being young and in love, love tends to be blind.

Towards the end of my Junior year in 2004 - between having a rocky relationship, problems at school, and problems with my parents - I ended up dropping out of high school. I immediately took the GED test and received my GED. All the while I worked on and off while he continued school. In November 2004 he dropped out his Senior year of high school and we moved into an apartment together.

Our entire relationship up to this point, he had talked about having a Dom/sub relationship full time. We talked about our limits and things we'd like to try along with daily routines we'd like to implement. Before we moved in, anytime I stayed with him or vise versa, we played a bit and together we shared our first experience this way.

Once we moved in, things started out fine. Slowly overtime the acts and scenes got more and more agressive and extreme. I started get afraid of him but I brushed it off. We started to fight constantly and it progressed to punching, bruises, and even mental abuse.

For 4 years straight, each day seemed to get worse and I'd fear for my life more and more. I'd have to wear long sleeves, oversized shirts, etc to cover huge massive bruises from my family. I couldn't dare tell anyone out of fear he'd hurt them and hurt me more than he already was. He'd always threaten to kill me and my family if I ever left him or told anyone what he was doing to me. My only release was if I truly was sick or if I faked being sick, then and only then would he ease up.

I remember one day we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. It was a beautiful day. Right outside the front door, there were steps to walk UP to get to the road. His ankle was sore so he was using a cane to help him walk. I wanted to stay out of his way so I jogged up to the top of the stairs and waited. He got pissed and yelled at me for it. When he got to the top he swung his cane at me hitting me in the stomach. Boy what a mark that left.

Another time, we were at his grandfather's house. We stepped outside for some reason with one of his friends. He got pissed at me and punch me in my back. Right in front of his friend not to mention in the front yard. His friend, nor any cars that drove by stopped him or said anything.

There are so many memories I have but those are just a couple.

Throughout our time together he'd always build himself to others yet I'd be portrayed as the physchotic wife. No one saw through his act. They'd always praise him and kick me to the side.

The first time he went to jail he caused me to go to jail as well. We got into a fight one night and pushed me down hard. I got my stuff to leave and he ran after me. I got in the car, locked the doors, and refused to talk to him. He got behind the car and wouldn't let me back out. I slowly started to gradually roll back in hopes he'd move. He finally did but he then jumped on the hood of the car. I was too terrified to stop so I drove through our apartment complex with him on the hood. I eventually stopped behind a speed bump and he got off and then acted like his ankle was hurt. Someone saw all this so did a police officer. I was the one being arrested but I told them about the abuse because if I was going down for trying to save my life, I was taken him down with me. They arrested us both that night.

He was arrested a 2nd time for domestic violence sometime after. This particular night I honestly felt an instinct that it was going to be the night he was really going to kill me. He had already knocked me out earlier that night for not making him have an orgasm in his time limit by punching me on the top of my head. Luckily at the time we were staying with his grandmother. Her house was set up where the basement was like a seperate apartment so thats were we stayed. She never had any idea what was going on as she was starting to get dementia and never came down stairs. He would never let me out of his sight so I had no way to escape or call for him. Even when I went to the bathroom and took a shower, he was right there watching me. I was terrified the entire day that I wouldn't be able to make it out alive especially since he had plans to kill me then kill himself that day, or so he said (I honestly felt in my instincts it was true this time). Finally it was dinner time and he had already gotten into a fight with his grandmother that day so I convinced him to let me go smooth things over with her by offering to cook her some dinner myself. He bought the bait so I quickly ran up stairs, went to her bedroom and locked the door. I explained to her the situation and called my parents then the police. My parents were an hour away but rushed over. After about 15 minutes of me not coming back downstairs, he came up started banging on the door. I was terrified he'd break the door down. My parents finally got to the house but still no police. It took the police over 2 hours to get to me. This is where I get my hatred for police. I told them the entire situation and all the things he had done to me that day and that he's done it everyday. Still they took over 2 hours. At any rate, when they finally came, they put him in handcuffs, took pictures, and then asked if I was pressing charges. I was so lost, confused, and heartbroken and still being under his brain washing control, I didn't know what to do. The whole time being handcuffed, he kept running his mouth so the police said it didn't matter if I was going to or not, THEY WERE at that point. So, he went to jail again that night. Being that I was still under his mind control I ended up going to the jail for his hearing the next day to testify and tell the judge I didn't want to press charges and stayed there about 13 hours until they released him to come home.

There was another time that my parents came to my rescue. Dad brought his gun and even had it pointed at him. The police were never called that night as again he convinced me to stay and tell my parents that I was okay and to please go home.

Every time he'd get arrested or my parents got involved, he'd apologize and make me believe he was going to change. After a day or 2 of things being decent, he'd go right back to his old self.

I delt with this until March 2007 when my ex fiance (the one I was engaged to back in 2003 and mention in the beginning of this) came back into my life. We fell in love again (I was always in love with him, to be honest and I knew he had always been the one I wanted to spend forever with). He had divorced his wife and convinced me to leave my (now ex) husband. We put our plan in action and a couple days later with my fiance by my side, kicked him out and told him I wanted a divorce. If it wasn't for my fiance don't think I'd be alive today. I think by now I'd have been killed or even killed myself just to be freed of his abuse.

I owe my life to my fiance. We're getting married September 26th this year and I couldn't be happier. While he never heard of BDSM until he met me, he is willing to learn and has been doing so. We're taking it slow, not only because of what I've been through but to give him time to learn things properly so not to hurt me. He'd never raise a hand towards me in anger or to hurt me outside of BDSM activities. Even when he is pissed beyond belief at me the he's never hit me or brought his hand up to hit me. Never. He had already proposed to me before I kicked my (now ex) husband out but he officially asked my dad for my hand in marriage and proposed on Christmas Day of 2007. While we have our issues and problems we continue to work on, I couldn't be happier with him. He is a true gentleman in every sense of the word. He is very protective of me and so I trust him with my life.


I apologize for my thoughts and words being all jumbled. Its very difficult to talk about but I hope they help someone out there. I've shared my story with several people and I want to continue to share with many more in hopes of preventing this from happening to others and to give hope of survival to those that have/are going through it.

[erish]

*takes a deep breath* Hi everyone, and let me add my thanks to denuseri for starting it and all the incredibly brave people who have posted their own stories here. It was my (Almost) Master who pointed me to this thread, and particularly said that in many ways, moco's post above could have been my own.

i was abused from when i was 8 to when i was 9 by the man who came to our house regularly to clean the windows. Such a cliché and one that it is difficult for me to say for some reason. But ... i don't have many memories of what happened. i know he taught me how to give him oral sex, i know there were times when i was on my bed with my underwear around my ankles, but i was so disconnected from my body that i do not know what he did or didn't do.

The consequences emerged when i went away to college, when i became anorexic, then bulimic, and started self-injuring. i've also had many years of therapy, and am at a much better place in my life now, even getting ready to work as a counselor myself. But i do still question how much, if any, of my submissive desires that have been so strong in me for as long as i can remember, are linked to this. Did that make me somehow an easier 'target' for this predator? Or did he ingrain in me more deeply still that i am to do just what i am told?

i don't know if i'll ever have answers to these questions ... but i wanted to acknowledge my own experience here, and say that i look forward to connecting more with such an amazing, strong, surviving community.

[sinfulsex]

so
i was meant to be doing work right now, but again i got distracted my the site again when i found this thread. i have to say thank you to everyone who has posted here and denuseri you are so brave for starting this. knowing that other people have been through abuse and come out stronger for it and have been able to have bdsm relationships. im not ready to share what i went through, and although it may be nothing im comparison to what everyone else has been through, i have only had my own experiences to deal with, and it was the worst.
i find the library such a place of support and really hope with the support of friends irl and on here i can eventually get over this.

thank you

sinful

[denuseri]

Sometimes it is enough to just know that we are not alone and here for each other when there is a need.

We also have an in house Abuse Support Sanctuary found via the following link with instructions for membership that is more private than the open forum or in the social groups section of your profile pages.

I am also allways available to anyone that needs some help.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/group.php?groupid=6

[IAN 2411]

I am thankful to see that this thread has been spared the curse of the server, and I say this because it is probably the most significant thread on the site, because in there somewhere is a great many lives torn apart by ignorance.

Ok so the site crashed, and we all know that it is part of life on the www, I was looking at the threads and I see that a lot of them are lost, but the memories of what was written in them still remain in my mind. I wrote in many of the threads myself; and some, just a few stick in my mind so firmly. I now feel that thinking of all that is lost it is only right that we should repair the threads as best we can. In the few months that I was a member before the crash I took great stock in what my peers and equals had written in this thread, and I believe I owe denuseri the respect of replacing some of what was lost. This was a repair thread because as I wrote and told you all of my feelings and pain, it repaired a lot of the hurt and guilt inside of me. It is the thread that is in need of repair now and I hope that with others this will be the day it starts.

At the age of 4 years my father beat me wicked with a two inch wide belt, it took place maybe once a week. It was not just me but my brother also, but my father beat me first being the youngest, my brother that was twelve months older than me was also beat, but my father’s rage was subdued when it was his turn. He always received a lighter punishment, and in later years it caused a lot of resentment between my brother and me, and even now looking at him I cannot forget or forgive. My father died some few years ago but, I never went to his funeral and I am unsure why, but I never forgave him, and not even now can I bring myself to do so. It is on record that I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 4 and a half, it begs belief to why that took place. Ok I admit, I am 58 years old now, and this all took place in 1954, things were done different then and children at school in England were punished with the cane.

Schooling was a bitch, I had hiding after hiding and I can remember most even now today. There was a teacher in a first grade school that on every Wednesday, she would get two twelve inch rulers back to back and strike the rear of my thighs. Why? Because it was spelling and I had no idea and was not good enough; this also took place on a Friday, Why? Because I could not say my eight times table in maths, but the over-riding reason was because, she was the head teacher and she could. The worst thing was that it was in front of all the other pupils’ male and female, and all of my friends that were sat there smirking.

I joined the UK Special Forces, and after that no one messed with me until my first wife. She took great pride in pulling me down and rubbing my face into the ground. After a mild argument where she was found to be wrong, she would take her revenge in the darkness of the marital bed. She would rake her fingernails down my bare back drawing the blood, and I would lay there saying nothing with tears in my eyes being a coward. She never did that because she had to, she did that because she could and she knew that I would let her, she also knew that it was not in my nature to strike back. I was glad when I was sent to N Ireland for the troubles, because I found it safer and less painful dodging the Thomson machine gun, molitof cocktails and nail bombs, than it was being with her.

I am in no doubt that all of these traumatic experiences have something to do with the way I think about BDSM. It is a strange feeling though, when after going through all this that, I now find I am attracted to the very thing that gave me so much pain.

I would also like to say something about triggers, and I have had mine pulled on many occasions. I had my trigger pulled only the other week, and it came from a person that I had never taken into consideration. At 86 years old it was my mother, we have never seen eye to eye, but she pulled it and I went off in the expected explosion. The thing was it was because of the lost threads that I realise that she was as much of the problem as my father, teacher and my first wife. She had been standing back in her silence watching all of what took place, and it was as a mother she should have defended me, or at least gave me the love I was seeking.

This thread is about life in the dark world of fear, where silence is just as noisy as the mouth screaming abuse. It is about the lost love and the false love, it is about people that through no fault of their own who have been let down by their peers, their friends and the worst of all their families. When young there are a lot of hearts broken and there are a lot of lives shattered, and I find that it is a good thing that I have lived for 58 years, because I am still picking up the pieces. I have always been led to believe that a person should never look back, but I think that the only way to go forward is to do that very thing. I still have a lot of hurt inside of me, one day; well maybe? I will be returning to this thread because it has captured my mind, the posts that are here are showing the guilty that their crimes will never be forgotten.

Regards ian 2411

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

Hello, i am somewhat gutted that my post to this was lost in the server crash, but would like to repost. Hoping noone has a problem with this! lol.

i am a 32 year old woman, a sub to my Beloved One, and am a survivor of childhood abuse, and i would like to speak of it if i may.(I am capitilizing myself in this where I wish to to denote the fact that I am not submissive to these events!)

I was born to a 14 year old mother, far too young to bring me up, and so was adopted by her aunt and uncle when 3 days old. For all intents and purposes, they are my parents.

My first 3 and a half years were normal baby and toddler hood but then My father started molesting me. Now people say that we as young children would have little memory of events, but some things are pretty firmly implanted! It started out with inappropriate touching and carried on till I left home at 16. 13 years, in which he explored all forms of sexuality with Me. At age 8 he began having full intercourse. He was an extremely sexually sadistic man, and was not happy until I was begging him to stop, struggling, and he would have an excuse to restrain Me. My mother was aware of everything that was going on, to the degree that she began tying Me down for him when I was about 7. My mother had an immense anger problem, and would beat Me on almost a daily basis. The anger that she felt (I can only see in retrospect) that her husband chose her daughter over her was huge and to a degree understandable. But the anger was directed at Me, and taken out on Me. I learnt at a very young age to show no emotion, for any response to anything that happened would just cause more pain.

The emotional abuse was the worst however. The systematic destruction of My spirit was horrendous. I was the child that noone was to know about. My older brothers (not adopted) were allowed to be anywhere they wished. If we had visitors over I was to be in My room and not to be seen by any of them. My grandmother still recalls having to sneak up our hallway and into My room to even be allowed to hug Me, for touching Me was not allowed.

We were a wealthy family, and very respected and powerful in our community, so even though so many people saw what was happening, it was not worth it to go up against My family, yes, I was not worth it to them! At age 9 I made My first suicide attempt. There was no emotion involved, i just did not want to exist another day. Not knowing what I really had to do, I failed miserably (a fact I am eternally grateful for!) Then I discovered self harming, and would cut myself, desperate to "bleed the bad blood out" that My mother swore was in Me.

One morning I awoke (I was 16) and found that I was bleeding from My father anally raping Me, bleeding from My mothers cane and bleeding from My own attempts to get rid of the bad. I looked down at My body and realised that with all the blood on Me I could not tell what was from who. That did it for Me. I walked out to the dining room where My parents both were and just said to them "I am leaving, I don't love you". I walked out that door, never to walk back in. I was 16, moved into a flat I found that day, spent the next 2 years finishing school, then on to University. As soon as I had left I went into therapy. It hurt so very much, but for the first time someone sat there and said that it was not ok. I had ached for those words, bled for them. Slowly I healed, physically yes, emotionally took a while longer. Eventually I learnt to forgive, and let Me tell you, forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If i had waited till I felt like it I would still be waiting lol. Sometimes it is harder, and it has to be a daily thing for Me, today I forgive them. I do not do so for their sake, but I do for mine. It frees Me.

Does this have anything to do with My passion for lifestyle and being a submissive? How can it not have some influence in what I choose now. There is a huge difference now though, and that is CHOICE. I am not forced into this, I have found what works for Me in a safe way. A way that buiilds Me up, not tears Me down. A way that means I am empowered, for I can say yes, and I can say no. I am no victim, I am no doormat, I am a strong, powerful, beautiful, intelligent, fantastic, feminine, sensual, fiery, fiesty woman, and proud, so proud of who I am. I am not who I am because of them, I am who I am despite them. I have chosen life, not a mere existance, but life. With all it's passions and peculiarities. Every day is a miracle to Me. Every day.

I am grateful for every day of My growing up, for though it was manifestly screwed it has made Me who I am and you know what, I like Me! So I am grateful. I am a survivor. I have chosen to be a survivor.

Choice not chance determines destiny. i just wanted to tell you all My story, because it is not My shame, not a bit!

Warmest hugs........morwyn

[MasterMarine]

You are all amazingly brave, coming forward to share your stories. A true Master need not abuse his charge and a real man would not either. I salute all of you..

[lisasub]

I can relate to some of your story. Other parts I cannot. Regardless of where our experiences are similar, I want to say thank you for sharing and I am glad you survived and thrived!

And to the rest of you brave and amazing people, thank you, too! I am inspired daily to continue in my healing process when I read people's words.

Be well and may peace find you every night...
Lisa

[JaDeDLoVe]

thank you so much Morwyn... your strength is inspiring.

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

my deepest thanks to those that have opened the doors in this thread. Abuse in it's many forms can be such an insidious evil and it is only able to rule us as long as we agree to keep our silence and harbour it within, instead of shouting aloud....."It's NOT ok, and it's NOT my shame"

i applaud all who have posted here, and for those yet to do so i say "when you have found the courage within yourself to tell your truth, there are people here willing to listen, to hold you, to support you, to love you. Take back your power, take back the beauty that is you. Let out the loud whispers from within."

Love and blessings.........morwyn

[SilverMist]

I saw this thread, the headline "victim of abuse" caught my attention. As i spent some time reading through.
First of all denuseri, i want to thank you for starting this thread.
I think this had really brought up some things that i have burried.
denuseri, i am amazed by your strength and amazed by who you have became. And along with others who have shared their experience of abuse. Thank you for being brave to reach out for others who needs a hand.
I myself have been abused in many different ways by many people that I have trusted and let into my life.
I was a daddy's little girl until my parents divorced when I was 6. My mother just kinda took her freedom way to seriously. Started drugs and drinking heavily. I am not going to go on in details of what happened to me. It all started out by sexual abuse at age 9 til i was 15 by my mom's boyfriends, yes plural there.
I have been molested, raped, beatened, verbally abused you name it.
My mother and I never had a mother/daughter relationship that I always yearned for.
I was in a relationship for 8 years who had always put me down. Embarresses me in public. He beats me, controls everything I do. I couldn't even wipe my own ass with out him watching me. After 8 years, my kids and I packed only our clothes we could take and left him and everthing we own behind. We moved to another state to start a new life. My kids were abused as well. I feared for their lives so it was all it took for me to build courage to leave him.
I have forgiven all the ones who hurt me but will never forget what they had done to me. I also thank each and every one of my abuser for making me strong inside. For making me who I am today.
I am a survivor. I believe things happen for a reason. And that we go through this and become strong and smart and help the ones who really needs it.

[lisasub]

Hello all,

I am getting ready to go see my mother for Christmas. She is not my abuser, but she certainly allowed it happen. I was a child (5) when my abuse started and a teenager (14) when it "ended." It didn't end, however, when the actual sexual abuse and torture stopped. It continued in more subtle ways. And that continued until I finally moved out of my family home. The abuse continues to impact me now in terms of PTSD symptoms, as well as in my relationships. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable this year because of some other things going on in my life - related to my abuse, of course - and just felt I needed to name that.
I'm hurting, and remembering some of the insanity of my childhood and thinking about it in different ways. My family has been torn apart and the only good part of my family (my father) is, unfortunately, long dead. I am alone for Christmas - not literally as I will see my mother and some friends (thank God for friends!) - but am not in a relationship. And I am rarely in one because of my abuse.
I'm feeling very lonely and alone this year and am grateful to have found this community and this thread here, as well as the courageous and kind people who post and who read this.
For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope it's a Merry one. For all of you, I wish you a peaceful new year.
Thanks for reading.
Lisa

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

Sweetie, thank you for sharing. sending you my warmest hugs of love and support through this time.

[epiphany]

I wish to say thank you to a special Dom who mentioned this thread, after we spoke he thought it might help me in some way if I shared my story. I was a very outgoing, outspoken and fun loving type of individual. I had met a man, who claimed he was a “Christian”, and in outward appearances it appeared that he was. We were married for three years and you could notice subtle changes in his demeanor. He started telling me what I could and could not wear. One time he wanted me to take vitamins. We had company at the house and I did not want them. He actually forced them down my throat. I fought him the entire time. You would have thought I would have seen the damn sign then but I was blind. In the three years I had been with him he had destroyed me mentally. He would not allow me to go home. He would not allow my family to visit unless he approved, he was in total control.

One day I was having a migraine I woke up hearing my daughter crying in the other room. I got up and went in the room opened the door and there is my husband. He is standing up adjusting his pants. a very guilty look on his face. I take my daughter who is three years old into my room and she states her father hurt her “tutu”, which she used to describe as her vagina. I ask her to show me where…..So….long story short…..

A doctor exams her, she has been, they call in DHS….but trust me it is a long process. I go in hiding. I also have a six month old son with me. I am in hiding for approximately six months. We eventually go to a man who is a Psychiatrist/Attorney….very expensive son of a gun. He states that yes she has been abused, no shit Sherlock. He said that he did not believe it was her father, that he thought it was her father’s uncle or her Dads father….WTF….bullshit. We did have supervised visitation for a couple of years. … He had five time the money that I had and a criminal attorney, so after five years, he was granted visitation rights.

I will say that I have no idea why things happen. What happens mold us into what and who we are. I have forgiven him and will always love him because he is my children’s father. They love him and I will love him for them. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things. You may not forget but you can forgive. That is when true healing can begin.

[IAN 2411]

epiphany

I have read all of the posts in this thread, and all the posts that were lost in the crash, and I am at a loss as to what planet these psychiatrist’s come from, that some posts talk about. I think that you are wrong when you say that you should have seen the signs. No one ever sees the signs of an abuser or a controller, because it is a deep secret that they all keep, and that is why so many get away with the things they do. Neither can you see the signs if you are not looking for them; and most abusers put their actions down to love and trust, protectiveness, or discipline, and they use those very words to justify their actions. They will never put it down to their own sickness, and they will always apportion blame to others rather than say it is them that need help.

As for forgiveness, it is as you say the hardest thing to do, but you must be a lot stronger than me, because I will never forgive my abusers, and neither can I ever forget them. I tolerate them, because I never burn bridges that one day I might have to walk back over. I was just wondering as I ask you with the greatest respect, how can you still love the person that has put you through so much mental pain? I think that that could also be your strength of mind now, and it is something to be admired.

Regards ian 2411

[epiphany]

Ian,
Thank you for responding. Let me start with I will never forget what he did and it has taken years, years for forgiveness. This forgviness I have gotten from counseling and my Lord Jesus Christ and trust me when I say I have waived, dear Lord how I have waived with my faith. I found out that his father abused a cousin. I have done research and it is a sad fact that many times, not all, the abused will become the abuser. I am sure he was abused and the vicious cycle continued and he himself was a victim. Yes, he had a choice, but he choose the wrong one and/or his mother did not do what she should have done and left!

You could not believe the details I have left out of this...in the years since.. what he did...but suffice it to say he cont. on with his mental abuse. I eventually became a stronger woman and I am once again the woman I admired.

[denuseri]

This statement on domestic abuse was issued a couple of years ago by the NLA.

Altough it address bdsm related relationships specifically the information they are providing is good to know for any, vanila, kink or otherwise inclined.

Some of us may disagree as to how far some of the things they mention should go etc, but I honestly believe that is all in the sematics as the spirit of the message is centered around consent and abuse of power.



"Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.

Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.

Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of therelationship, there can be no consent.

Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.
• Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
• Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
• Are you afraid of your partner?
• Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
• Has she or he ever violated your limits?
• Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
• Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
• Do you feel obligated to have sex?
• Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
• Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
• Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
• Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
• Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
• Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
• Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
• Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
• Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
• Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
• Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.

Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.

Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behavior.

Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention. "

Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m,or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the law.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/bdsmdomesticviolence.html


• Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) is a listing, by region, of kink-sympathetic therapists and helping professionals who can help you make a positive change.


http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

[lisasub]

Thank you for the post, Denuseri.
I would add that if your partner has access to weapons that you need to work w/someone at a domestic violence program to plan how to leave safely. If you think the violence will escalate, pay attention to that, particularly around leaving.
There is help out there. Every state has programs, shelters, counselors, to help. And the police and judges are becoming more informed as well so getting a restraining order is not as hard as it used to be. Many states have domestic violence advocates at the courthouse to help survivors navigate the legal system.

Don't go it alone! You don't have to anymore...
Lisa

[kalitat]

I'd also like to add my story. I was born with a hip deformity. Treatment began when I was approximately 18 months old. I remember distinctly my abuse starting at this time. The reason I remember it so distinctly is the treatment consisted of sleeping with a bar with your shoes bolted to it (like a spreader bar). The abuse continued until age 14. It involved everything from inappropriate touching to anal rape. The emotional scars continue to this day in the form of PTSD and flashbacks.

I was introduced to BDSM by a wonderful, experienced Dom who realized what I was (submissive) and how to push me yet stay within my comfort zone. I experienced only 1 flashback which he immediatly recognized and treated lovingly.

I want to open a can of worms to ponder a question I have asked myself for a long time and probably will never have an answer to.

My first experience of sexual pleasure was while I was restrained. I have often wondered if somehow I became "wired" at that time to BDSM. A nature vs nurture sort of thing.

DISCLAIMER: I know there are MANY abuse survivors that are vanilla. That being abused does not necessarily predispose one to BDSM. My thoughts and questions are specifically my own. However, I would appreciate others thoughts and opinions.

[lisasub]

Safe hugs to you, Kali...

So sorry this happened to you. I am glad, however, that I have "met" you here.

I can't speak for anyone but myself but I have wondered the same kind of thing for me. My abuse started around age 5, ended at 14 and I experienced a lot of sexual torture. My sexual fantasies from the time I was a child have included BDSM types of things. And, yes, my body responded to the abuse. Bodies are designed to respond to certain stimulation so that makes sense.

It's taken me years to get where I am in my healing, and it continues to be painful work. And it's taken me years to allow myself to really embrace my BDSM fantasies, rather than judge myself for them.

I have not acted yet in real life on my BDSM side, so I have some work to do to get to a place where I can explore this part of my sexuality - and for me this is about sexuality. Therefore my answer to you is incomplete... a work in progress, as they say. But I did want you to know that you're not alone.

Take care,
Lisa

[IAN 2411]

I'd also like to add my story. I was born with a hip deformity. Treatment began when I was approximately 18 months old. I remember distinctly my abuse starting at this time. The reason I remember it so distinctly is the treatment consisted of sleeping with a bar with your shoes bolted to it (like a spreader bar). The abuse continued until age 14. It involved everything from inappropriate touching to anal rape. The emotional scars continue to this day in the form of PTSD and flashbacks.

I was introduced to BDSM by a wonderful, experienced Dom who realized what I was (submissive) and how to push me yet stay within my comfort zone. I experienced only 1 flashback which he immediatly recognized and treated lovingly.

I want to open a can of worms to ponder a question I have asked myself for a long time and probably will never have an answer to.

My first experience of sexual pleasure was while I was restrained. I have often wondered if somehow I became "wired" at that time to BDSM. A nature vs nurture sort of thing.

DISCLAIMER: I know there are MANY abuse survivors that are vanilla. That being abused does not necessarily predispose one to BDSM. My thoughts and questions are specifically my own. However, I would appreciate others thoughts and opinions.



It takes a lot of courage to write in this thread, throwing your privacy out the window and sharing your hurt and grief with a great many others. I admire you for doing so, and I think the thing that you are asking could be true, yes I think I was wired. If something is done to you as a child, and you are told that it was the correct thing to be done, you automatically think others go through the same experience. Like all learning as a child it stays with you for the rest of your life, logged in, and saved in your computer brain. Example: - eating, knives and forks, toilet training, walking, talking, etc. You know as you get older that things were not right, but your brain is telling you that it is the correct way to go, and one more example, the abused sometimes becomes the abuser, and that is a real but sad fact of life.

I think you could go back through the whole of this thread, and all the posts ask the same question. You are correct in saying that there are a lot of people in vanilla relationships that were abused as a child, and in one way or another. But some of the posts in this thread are written by people that are or have been in vanilla relationships, but I will say that most of the marriages have not worked out, and I feel that there must have been a connection with all of them. I was in a vanilla relationship that turned into a peaceful BDSM relationship for thirty years. It started subtly, but it was because I let it go further was the reason we stayed together so long, others are not so lucky, but I knew my limits and my wife respected my safe word, it was not a safe word as such, it was a un threatening statement.

As I wrote in my earlier post, it is strange that the things that hurt me so much as a child, are now the things that draw me into BDSM and feed my imagination. Also the things that I feared as a child turn me on the most now, as my signature says, I am still seeking knowledge. I don’t know all the answers but I do know all the questions, and I am only relating to you my personnel thoughts and deductions.

Regards ian 2411

[kalitat]

I do also want to add that despite the trauma I wouldn't change it. It's made me who I am today and I happen to like me very much. :)

[lisasub]

and you are very likable!

[13'sbadkitty]

epiphany

I have read all of the posts in this thread, and all the posts that were lost in the crash, and I am at a loss as to what planet these psychiatrist’s come from, that some posts talk about. I think that you are wrong when you say that you should have seen the signs. No one ever sees the signs of an abuser or a controller, because it is a deep secret that they all keep, and that is why so many get away with the things they do. Neither can you see the signs if you are not looking for them; and most abusers put their actions down to love and trust, protectiveness, or discipline, and they use those very words to justify their actions. They will never put it down to their own sickness, and they will always apportion blame to others rather than say it is them that need help.

As for forgiveness, it is as you say the hardest thing to do, but you must be a lot stronger than me, because I will never forgive my abusers, and neither can I ever forget them. I tolerate them, because I never burn bridges that one day I might have to walk back over. I was just wondering as I ask you with the greatest respect, how can you still love the person that has put you through so much mental pain? I think that that could also be your strength of mind now, and it is something to be admired.

Regards ian 2411

my truth is this...i am a recovered addict and for my staying off drugs...i chose to forgive because the keeping it alive kept me less than alive and it wasn't worth it too me to exist at that low of a level. forgiveness for me came because i needed to and wanted to enjoy my life. i needed to enjoy my kids, and somehow i believe my life has progressed to the place it is because i wasn't strong, just willing to live

[IAN 2411]

my truth is this...i am a recovered addict and for my staying off drugs...i chose to forgive because the keeping it alive kept me less than alive and it wasn't worth it too me to exist at that low of a level. forgiveness for me came because i needed to and wanted to enjoy my life. i needed to enjoy my kids, and somehow i believe my life has progressed to the place it is because i wasn't strong, just willing to live

You are showing your strength by writing a post in this thread, and your strength is also shown by being a recovering adict, with a goal once more in your life, dont put yourself down.

Regards ian 2411

[13'sbadkitty]

i didn't mean it to sound like i was putting myself down ian, i am proud of who i am today and that i use the stuff i have been through to help others...forgiveness was just a part of what, for me i needed to do in order to recover. thanks for yoour kind words though. :)

[lisasub]

Right on 13'sbadkitty! Congratulations on your recovery and for finding the path of healing that works for you!

[dvlngl]

I have never been abused but I know a friend who was. I have a question: What do you say to someone who has been abused beside listening to them and saying "I'm sorry?" I am good at listening but I get stuck at words. I want to work in the ER as a nurse and I know I will get patients who have just been through it. I am not good at words and I don't just want to say "I'm sorry" or nothing at all when they are telling you what happened to them.

[denuseri]

Well, what have seen some of the other members telling each other here in the thread?

[dvlngl]

Thanks denuseri, I will make sure to reread the thread and take notes.

[lisasub]

That was a good suggestion, denuseri.

Also, you could try signing up for a training at your local rape crisis center or domestic violence program. they train volunteers to work with survivors of violence and they teach many helpful things to say and ask.

I'm glad your friend has you. Best wishes to both of you.

[dvlngl]

That was a good suggestion, denuseri.

Also, you could try signing up for a training at your local rape crisis center or domestic violence program. they train volunteers to work with survivors of violence and they teach many helpful things to say and ask.

I'm glad your friend has you. Best wishes to both of you.

Thank you for the suggestion. I never thought of that, I will search for place.

[13'sbadkitty]

just for myself, there isn't anything anyone can say unless someone asks a direct question. i just needed people there to hear what ever i had to say and usually it was because i felt like it was such a big part of who i was i need them to know that too. i didn't have any desire for them to feel bad for me or to offer advice. i just always felt like people saw it and putting it out there made it easier for me. if they didn't act all weird and move away on the bench it was what i needed. hope that helps, be a friend not a therapist.

[lisasub]

Good point.

What I was thinking is that people who care want to help, but don't always know how. If they can at least know that they won't say anything that is harmful, they might feel more able to listen and be there. Just a thought.

[Saheli]

This might be a little long, so I apologize in advance. Abuse has always been a part of my life.

As a child, I was severely emotionally and physically abused. The first time I tried to commit suicide was in the first grade in class. I didn't know any better, but I knew you could die from hanging, so I took a belt and fixed it on the doorknob and put it around my neck and started to crawl away. Looking back, that never would have worked. My step-mother was evil...I sucked my thumb, so they put this metal thing with spikes on the top of my mouth so that my thumb would bleed when I tried to suck it: I just did it under my tongue which is still scarred. I used to wet the bed, so they put this thing under the sheet that would go off very loudly if it detected any moisture. I wet the bed because I was scared, not because I was a late developer. And why wouldn't I be? She picked me up by my neck once, and all I remember is starting to black out...then I hit something and slid down..I realized it was the wall. After that, I thought she would kill me. Before that, I felt like she would beat me (and she did) but wouldn't kill me because how would she explain that? But then everything changed. I started wetting my pants, which she made me wear as a necklace to school. But then I got in trouble when I didn't have friends, when people didn't come to my birthday parties. 2nd grade I tried to poison myself...but with what? I had nothing so I just put anything I could into my drinks and drank them...all sorts of plants, hoping one might be poisonous. My dad sent me to go live with my mom because he was afraid of what she would do to me. While I was there, my step-dad started molesting me, which continued for the next 6 years. It is really a long story...my dad came to my graduation to tell me he wouldn't send me to college...he had another daughter and I wasn't allowed to see her for three years, because he was mad that I stayed with my mom and didn't come back...my step-dad and mother were raging alcoholics; they got into a fight once and when I intervened, he pulled a gun on me and I put my hand in my pocket (I always had a knife)...I started to figure out where I should attack if I got shot so that at least we would both die...I decided to disembowel him but my mom ended up getting the gun away...so he's still alive. I dated a guy in college and he invited me to his 'brother's birthday party'. Even though I had a car, he wanted me to ride with him, so I went. Showed up, I was the only girl there. Naive, I didn't get it at all. Totally stupid. He started kissing me and wanted to go to a back room, so I went with him. But then he left for a couple of minutes and came back. I didn't know why but didn't ask. And then everyone else came in too. I weigh 115lbs...seriously, what was I going to do? I knew it had all been planned, but I was stuck. And then I realized I had two choices: physical pain + emotional pain, or emotional pain. When my dad saw me the next time, he didn't try to offer support. Instead, because I wasn't beat up, he said that I wanted it to happen and followed it up with, "You represent the lowest form of society." So I left his house with nowhere to go. Skip a few more years (full of drama, not enough time to go step-by-step) and I'm married. I am new to BDSM and don't know a lot about it. But I know enough to realize that there has to be a lot of soul-searching on both sides if my husband will ever end up my Dom. And I have been working on my side. But he has this self-esteem issue, which he puts on me, that he is never good enough. Regardless of what I do or say, he projects those feelings he has as feelings I have, and then he attacks me for the feelings he believes I have but do not. So we got into an argument recently over nothing, and it escalated to violence. I have a two year old and a three year old. We are in counseling and hopefully can work it out. But I realized two things. I don't know if I could ever respect him as my Dom (which is really hurtful), and that there is nothing I can do to fix the situation. So basically the childhood of my children and the security they have is completely in his hands, and I am not sure if he has the maturity to grow the fuck up before they resent us for bad memories..

I know it's long...sorry for that..

[Saheli]

I have never been abused but I know a friend who was. I have a question: What do you say to someone who has been abused beside listening to them and saying "I'm sorry?" I am good at listening but I get stuck at words. I want to work in the ER as a nurse and I know I will get patients who have just been through it. I am not good at words and I don't just want to say "I'm sorry" or nothing at all when they are telling you what happened to them.

Well, I don't really expect much of a response when I tell people what has happened to me. I realize there isn't much to say. The main reason why I tell people things that have happened to me is that I believe if people can understand what I've been through, they have a better chance at understanding me, since we are all molded by our pasts to some degree. Another reason is to fight loneliness...not necessarily within myself, but in others. I don't know who will read what I wrote or if it will matter much. But I know that when I was a child I felt so lonely. I remember thinking to myself, "If someone out there only knew what was happening to me, they would come to my rescue. But they look at this nice neighborhood at this nice house; they see the occupation of my dad and see him at church. And I have to put on a show in public so I don't get it worse at home than I normally would. So who will notice, and who will come? Who will take the time to read in between the lines on my face to see what's beneath this half-assed, crooked smile? Nobody. I'm utterly alone. Nobody will notice. Nobody will care. Nobody will come" And you know what? I was 100% right. Nobody came. So I just want people to understand me and to know that even though nobody may come, there are many other isolated victims all over the world in places you and I would never even think to suspect. And I hope that somehow that might fight off feelings of desolation, which is one of the cruelest emotions on earth.

[summerBreeze{EDQ}]

Thankyou Denseri for sharing your story, you are an inspiration.

[lisasub]

Hi,

I've posted here before. I have long history of childhood sexual abuse and torture. I'm doing okay now, but still dealing with the impact in some ways.
I'm writing tonight because I am going to lose a very important relationship soon. I'm devestated, angry, and I feel so alone and betrayed. Sounds familiar, huh?
Anyway, I can't sleep - again - so wanted to just share what's happening.
I guess I'm writing here because I wish I had a dom to hurt, torture and humiliate me - it feels like that might help. But, I've never done any of this in real life and I realize that now is not the time to try it out for real. So here I am, alone and depressed, dejected, and devestated.

Lastly, as i realize how i feel and what i wish for in a dom, that brings up the same old question: is my wish for dominance and humiliation just a repeat of my abuse? Any thougths will be welcome and appreciated.

Sorry to just complain... I do appreciate the space to say all of this, though.
Good night all,
lisasub

[denuseri]

Hugggs lisa

You are absolutely right, now isnt the time to run out and find just anyone sugar.

Being hurt, tortured and humiliated isnt going to solve your problems. It may fill an urge, but you have to ask yourself, why exactly you have that paticular urge and understand it before you proceed to bring it to any kind of frutition. Especially if you think its linked to your experience.

I allways seriously reccomend finding a kink friendly therapist in real life, they can be hard to find, but well worth the effort; especially for those of us with limited outside support and even if kink friendly support cannot be found you do need to have some form of support outside of the internet in real life even if its vanila etc.

For me it was a great help to have someone to lean on in the lifestyle; one who was willing to help me grow stronger and coax my submission forth with wisdom and support me as I continue to recover along my journey. I was lucky in that regard, very lucky.

I shall pray that you can find some peace in your own efforts and I am so very sorry that your relationship is ending, but I can say when one door closes another can be opened. I hope you can take the time to find yourself and look forward to a better day, try to see this as an oportunity as opposed to something thats only bad.

Have faith my sister you are not alone.

[IAN 2411]

Hi,

I've posted here before. I have long history of childhood sexual abuse and torture. I'm doing okay now, but still dealing with the impact in some ways.
I'm writing tonight because I am going to lose a very important relationship soon. I'm devestated, angry, and I feel so alone and betrayed. Sounds familiar, huh?
Anyway, I can't sleep - again - so wanted to just share what's happening.
I guess I'm writing here because I wish I had a dom to hurt, torture and humiliate me - it feels like that might help. But, I've never done any of this in real life and I realize that now is not the time to try it out for real. So here I am, alone and depressed, dejected, and devestated.

Lastly, as i realize how i feel and what i wish for in a dom, that brings up the same old question: is my wish for dominance and humiliation just a repeat of my abuse? Any thougths will be welcome and appreciated.

Sorry to just complain... I do appreciate the space to say all of this, though.
Good night all,
lisasub


lisasub, I don’t for one minute think that you really wish for a Dom to do these things to you, because as you say you are depressed, dejected and devastated, and it has taken your willpower to rock bottom. I think possibly there are times in every one’s life when they have been where you are now, but it is not the end of the world. You picked yourself up from the abuse as a child and stood tall in defiance, and now you must do the same once more by channelling your anger into strength. Is it humiliation that you really want, or is it Domination, protection, understanding and security in your life? What you wish for in your post comes as a need in most submissive’s, but as a need it is hardly ever sought after as a punishment first. I doubt very much that the way you feel right now has any bearing from your childhood abuse. It might be time to sit down, chill out and work out the direction in life that will suit you most. Childhood abuse is not an illness that reoccurs, it is a ghost in your memory that you have to put to rest, or it will consume your happiness.

Just my thoughts.

Regards ian 2411

[lisasub]

Thanks Ian and Denuseri.

Denuseri, the relationship that's ending is my therapy relationship. It's not my choice - it's my therapist's - and, it's complicated. I disagree w/her reasons but there isn't much I can do about it. She's very stubborn and sometimes myopic. I had begun working on my sexuality issues with her so it's a double whammy kind of loss. Thank you for your kindness and support.

Ian, thank you for your kindness and your thoughts. I will get through this, it just hurts like hell. To think that I trusted her so much - I feel so betrayed.

Lisa

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

dearest lisasub.....
hey sweetie, thank you for posting, it can be difficult to lose a therapeutic relationship, especially one in which you have invested so much. These things that we harbour in our soul and bare to so few only have the power as long as we hold our silence. i know that i know that it is difficult to open oneself up to another and that a therapeutic relationship can feel somewhat safe. i also know the sense of betrayal and abandonment that you must be feeling. i will probably get shot down for this but am asking a question sweetie, and that is what is your responsibility for this relationship breakdown? you have stated clearly your opinion on your therapist but every relationship breakdown has 2 equal parties, whether active or passive. i ask you to look at your own input and honestly own whatever is yours to own. Until you do that and resolve this within your mind any future attempts to deal with the childhood issues will result in the same thing happening. Please do not hear this as an assigning of blame, just a plea to you to own what is yours and leave her with what is hers to own. Once that is resolved in your spirit and mind then you will be able to begin the tentative journey to finding a therapist that you can share with once more.

Having grown up with severe abuse, mental, physical and sexual i learnt a number of years ago the freedom that can be found through the sharing process. Silence as a child was what held me captive in a horrendous situation, and now i feel that i cannot keep silent, for i will not be beholden to my parents actions. i will not carry what is theirs to carry.

At times i have thought, especially in my early lifestyle years that my Master could 'beat the bad out of me', it felt like love to me as all i had ever experienced as an expression of love was violence, sexual and physical. i realised very quickly though that it was never enough. i needed desperately to work through the abuse, which i spent a few years doing. Only then could i understand my own being enough to be able to say that submission for me is now the most beautiful thing. you see the focus could change from needing things 'done to me' to finding that calm serene pure beautiful place of surrender in servitude. Is it a long journey? Yes, for we did not experience only a minutes pain, but is it worth however long it takes? Yes!

Be brave sweetie, own what is yours, let go what is not, and that counts for your abuse also. Be stubborn. Refuse to carry what is not yours to carry.

i leave you with a blessing in my native language, Maori

kia kaha, kia maia, ma te atua koe e manaaki.
Be strong, be steadfast, may you be truely blessed.

morwyn

[lisasub]

Thanks Morwyn. I am aware that I played a role in this, although my therapist hasn't been able to be clear about it. Therefore I have limited understanding of it. She has also appeared to be triggered in some way, perhaps by some details of my abuse or something else. It's just ugly and painful...

I do appreciate your thoughts and kindness, though.

[denuseri]

One of the reasons we don't have on site private chat meetings of the sancturary anymore is becuase it was very very hard for some of us (myself included) all to be together and share anything without getting triggered ourselves.

lisa I wouldnt feel like its your fault at all, if your therapist was responding the way she has, its a natural reaction especially if she herself is also a survivor.

I hope you don't give up on therapy and can find another person out there to help you.

I went through six therapists until finally finding one that could work with me for any length of time.

Hang in there.

[lisasub]

Thanks denuseri... much appreciated. I am not giving up on therapy. I'm just very, very sad. Feeling the loss, and feeling somewhat lost. And feeling somewhat betrayed by someone who I know is a really good person.

I'll get through it - and I do appreciate your support, all.
lisa

[Secret_Salope]

I know this is in the submissive's section, but I happen to be a switch. Hope it's okay that I still share...


I have seen counselors off and on my entire life, and never told any of them what happened to me. Not my parents, siblings, or even a friend. This was for a few reasons. When I was 4 my half brother(same dad) taught me how to play "truth or dare" with consequences. This continued until I was about 6. He raped me 3 times. I don't remember details of everything unless I'm having flashbacks or night terrors. My sister was being abused to, but she was never raped. Just molested. He was 11 when it started(I came to find later that it was because he watched his biological mother get raped at gunpoint around that time) and as time pregressed he stopped wanting to play.

I thought he didn't love me anymore. That since he wasn't trying to do all these things to me that he didn't love me. Well, my biological mother caught us playing truth or dare after I begged him to play one last time with us. I did exactly what he told me to do jic we got caught

I lied.

That was the last time I ever saw him. My dad never spoke to him again. I am almost 21 years old and I have no idea where my brother is. A big part of me wants to see him because I heard he has kids now.

Up until 3 months ago no one knew what really happened to me. I had a flashback when I was wrestling with my husband(not anything sexual xuprisingly) and it just happened. I yelled at him curled in a ball and didnt move for a LONG time. He wants me to get help. I think I'm fine. I haven't needed to talk to anyone about it and part of me still wants to just believe it didnt happen. This is the first time I'm opening up to anyone outside of my husband and a friend who was also raped. Idk what responses I'm looking for I just wanted to vent to people who would get it I suppose...

[submcrider]

You have supportive people in your life. That is wonderful. Get help, too. Someone who can be objective, who you can tell anything you want to tell, who can support you no matter what. Someone who you can share your whole truth with. It's worth it. It helped me in amazing ways...

[IAN 2411]

I am almost 21 years old and I have no idea where my brother is. A big part of me wants to see him because I heard he has kids now.

Up until 3 months ago no one knew what really happened to me. I had a flashback when I was wrestling with my husband(not anything sexual xuprisingly) and it just happened. I yelled at him curled in a ball and didnt move for a LONG time. He wants me to get help. I think I'm fine. I haven't needed to talk to anyone about it and part of me still wants to just believe it didnt happen. This is the first time I'm opening up to anyone outside of my husband and a friend who was also raped. Idk what responses I'm looking for I just wanted to vent to people who would get it I suppose...


Secret_Salope, It is a sad fact that both you and your half brother were victims but on different sides of the fence. Have you spoken to your sister about what was taking place, does she have the same flash backs? You have started the road to recovery by sharing your story with others that have had similar experiences, but now you have to go that short step further by seeing a therapist that deals in abuse in childhood. Before you go to see one, ask him over the phone if he has ever dealt with childhood abuse before, because looking through this thread I have noticed there are an awful amount of fools out there.

I would just like to say though that what took place between you and your husband was a trigger, and I know from experience that all the therapy in the world will never stop you receiving them, and as you go through life you will receive many more. I also fear that by going to see your half brother might just set off more and worse, it could even have a devastating effect on your now grown up life. There are certain times in people’s lives that going back to face your demons is the right way to go, but in your case I feel that it might do you more harm than good. The other thing is if as you say he is now married with children, he might just blatantly deny it ever happened at all, and it will be to protect him and his new life, and that might put your mind in a greater turmoil. I am not a therapist I am only pointing out the pitfalls of not seeking the best help you can get, I hope this has been some help in showing you the correct route to take.

This is not advice but just my thoughts.

Regards ian 2411

[Secret_Salope]

Thank you submcrider and ian2411. I appreciate your advice truely. I think it might be a god idea for me to go see a counselor. I wasn't aware that not all dealt with childhood abuse, that was VERY helpful information.

I've always wanted to see my brither because he is my family and I know he was abused to. I used to think that I was alright with everything, but since I've had flashbacks... I'm betting ian2411 is right and it will just make them worse. I just worry that he's abusing his kids. Since he progressively quit playing all together, I wonder if he got better. I feel bad for him. Which I'm sure sounds odd, but he had a much harder life than me growing up, and mine was no walk in the park. I always wondered if he got better. If he ever thought about me or my sister.

I've talked to my sister about all of this numerous times. She knows we played a game with him, but she doesn't remember any details. She was 2. Her abuse quit way before mine. Maybe because she was so small. idk

[IAN 2411]

I just worry that he's abusing his kids. Since he progressively quit playing all together, I wonder if he got better. I feel bad for him. Which I'm sure sounds odd, but he had a much harder life than me growing up, and mine was no walk in the park. I always wondered if he got better. If he ever thought about me or my sister.

I've talked to my sister about all of this numerous times. She knows we played a game with him, but she doesn't remember any details. She was 2. Her abuse quit way before mine. Maybe because she was so small. idk

The thing is, he might not have the same symptoms as you, and now you are asking yourself if he is abusing his children. The only way to find out would be to ask him, and quite frankly my personal view is that that would not be the best way of making friends. Something more that you should remember is that he stopped of his own accord, and as you have said in your previous post, you instigated him to start once more. He might just have stopped because his maturity and guilt for what he had been doing had kicked in. By bringing him into the equation at this time in both your lives, could mean him loosing his children and his wife, and for not doing any of the things to his children that you are thinking. On the other hand, I can understand why you feel and think this way, but you would be dammed if you do, and damned if you don’t. I have said it before in my previous post, forget him because he is your demon, and all the time you think of the things that took place; then you will never be at peace with yourself. Not all children that are abused or are the abuser stay that way in adult life, as some do change. Just more of my thoughts, but I have now probably confused you more than helped, but your therapist if you find a good one will say some of the same things.

Regards ian 2411

[13'sbadkitty]

i am not sure if my experience will be helpful at all, but i would like to try. my father abused 2 cousins and my and my brother. my brother is in prison for abusing children. none of the rest of us are child molesters. one of my cousins is a therapist and she will not talk about it at all with anyone, one talks about it and is trying to get better. i have been in treatment for much of my life and am doing well for the last few years. as ian said, we are all different, dealing differently. we all suffered differently. i am a recovered addict and was hospitalized for suicide. my cousin who is the therapist only looks to be suffering the least. her kids are never out of sight. she homeschools them and doesn't even let them go to sunday school in her church. she can't read a magazine article or newspaper without finding reasons to keep her kids in. with exception the the one in prison, she is truly the sickest of us all. when i was newly finding all of this out i wanted so badly to be with other family members and get better together or know who was a danger. the only way i got better was in treatment for PTSD. the road to peace for me has been work as was said above. it wasn't usually gotten from where i thought it would be thats for sure. i hope you find what you need.

[spicennice]

I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about this over the past half a year or so. I also ran across an article on another site that put things into perspective for me. It was written by a sub who acted out her pain through BDSM scenes but felt horrible afterwards. It stopped her from cutting but she acted out her pain through BDSM. She was not doing it for the endorphin rush. She felt horrible after these scenes. That is not so good. That to me, is her playing her abuse out over and over again.

For myself I find that the fact that I can feel power over me as being a 'safe' thing adds the balance that I need to offset what has happened in my past. For most of my life I saw power over me as a very bad thing. Realizing that power can be rewarding as well as add value to your life AND that people can use power as a genuine gift of love is a difficult thing to settle into when you have had an abusive past, but once you trust it - there seems to be no turning back IMHO.

[cherri]

i am new here and come across this subject yesterday, immediately went to reply and... i couldn't. i thought i over, searched for the perfect words, found them, typed them out, read them, and then, deleted them. i wish there was some way, at times, to plug my brain into something that sorted and shared how i feel... it took me a lot of years before i would even admit to being abused, even to those who knew, who'd seen the results. i didn't talk about it, share it, refer to it. i am past that now, but still, it's painful, i can sit here and type and not have to admit that i am crying the whole time, but i am.

i don't want to share the details, only that it was physical and mental and emotional. worse, i loved him, he loved me, but he was broken and i thought, somehow, i could fix him, that he would get better, that if i hung in there with him... and it wasn't always like that. sometimes, he treated my like a princess, was so sweet, so good to me... it changed over time. the rages were few and far between at first, and a part of me encouraged them - i was just in the throes of discovering myself, my attraction to BDSM - i am a sub with masochistic tendencies. He'd hurt me, but not too much, and then, god, the sex after, was amazing - i welcomed it as long as he didn't go too far, and mostly, he didn't, and i accepted that, at times, he would, but that was a risk i was willing to take...

that changed one night. he taught me a new game, one of control, of cold rages rather then hot ones... one night, he walked in on me during a bath, not uncommon, but the look on his face was... he sat down, loving brushing my hair back and then, he took me by the throat and pushed me under the water... he out weighed me by 100 lbs or so, and worked out almost daily - it didn't matter if i fought him or not... he let me up, to breath, told me that one day, he'd not let me up until he'd drowned me like a stray kitten. it was in his eyes, he meant it. Afterwards, he bent me over the toilet and raped me anally- oh, yeah, we were a couple, but it was rape - this is the first time i've used that word, but i've known it was true... he hurt me...

that was the beginning of it. after that... i was afraid to take baths, only he insisted, and sometimes, he'd just bathe me or we'd play, and it be fine, and other times he'd tell me that he could, if he wanted and left it at that, and other nights... sometimes he'd not let me up until i was close to unconciousness... every time, i wondered if this would be the night i'd die...

finally, i couldn't take it anymore... i told him no, when he told me to take a bath, i was sure that night he'd go too far... he filled the tub anyways and forced me in. for once, i fought, put everything i had into it, hit him, screamed... i don't remember much, only that i fought him. i honestly don't remember that night, although i still have nightmares, bad ones, that i am sure are memories. i was told he threw me through me through the door going out to our backyard - it was glass... i don't really want to remember.

sad thing is, a part of me still loves him, not all of him, but that beautiful side of him that i fell in love with... it was like jeckyll and hyde, and i loved the one and hated the other. i still feel ashamed that i let him do that to me, shame and humilation, enough so that i don't share it, don't talk about it, and guilt as well. stupid, i know, and i am getting better and i am now in a loving, committed relationship where i control how much abuse i recieve, and it's done with love and trust.

part of my therapy is to write... i wanted to share this, here, were it feels right...

We are slaves of etiquette, chained together by the silences that lie between us.

We are victims of the fear of being hurt, of putting our hearts upon our sleeves, the table top, of taking off our masks and letting the trail of our tears remain visible, tattooed tear drops marking out life sentences.

We are trapped in our anger, unable to trust that the hand that moves forward to wipe the tears from our lashes, won't be the same hand that wraps itself around our throats and pushes us underneath the water one more time, and we are paralyzed by the knowledge that this - this will be the time he keeps his promise and holds us underwater until our lungs catch fire and the water rushes in to claim us once and for all, wondering if it would be better, easier, to just open our mouths and swallow.

We are nailed to a cross, not of wood, but of hope and love and the expectations of joy, surrounded by the angry chaos of our own fears, our own hopelessness, our bitter rage, our pain.

We are deaf blind and especially dumb, unable to raise our hands and shout out the words that would, could, or should, set us free. I am not just a woman, I am a daughter, a mother, a sister, more then just two tits and a cunt and a pretty smile, more then just something to take your anger out on, slake your lust, make you feel big and strong, make you forget all the emptiness trapped inside of you, eating away at your soul. We mourn for the child you once were, beautiful and full of laughter, yearn to rescue him and set him free once more. We are chained by desire. The ropes and chains we wear, the cuffs and shackles, are more then affectations, they are all the more real for being invisible and yet, we feel their weight just as strongly as we feel gravity's pull upon our bodies, the scars we wear mimicking the slash marks upon concrete walls marking out the days, the years, the decades spent in isolation.

I am not a victim. I am a survivor, and that makes me tougher then any motherfucker who thinks that just because he can slam his fist into girl-flesh, he is a man, that just because he's forced his swollen cock between cherry red lips, he's some kind of god. I am the queen of tough motherfuckers. You tried to kill me, and I wouldn't die. You sit around and joke, when you think I'm not listening. "woman is the only creature that bleeds for three days and doesn't die. Fear her."

It's not a joke. The only man who ever came back from the dead was the son of God. When your number is up, you will be dust. For every night that you come into my dreams and try to break me once again, I come back the next morning, still alive, still here, still unbroken. Fear me, for I hold death in my belly as well as life. And to all the brothers, the fathers, the lovers who pick up the pieces, who hurt for us, who shed tears when ours have dried up, we love you for that, and hate you for it as well, knowing that your sorrows will only fill the tub faster, and we grow so tired of swimming, so tired of keeping our heads above the waterline.

We are prisoners to our own fear, our bodies are cages, our minds are cells, our hearts are barred and bolted, filled with just enough to keep us alive as we jump every time we hear footsteps out side the door or see shadow pass by our windows or feel his breathe upon our skin...

I will not live like that. I am the queen of motherfuckers and when I go over the wall, when i am finally free, i'll send a postcard.

"Having a wonderful time - wish you were here. Hugs, cherri."

[cherri]

i just wanted to add, thank you to everyone here, for giving me a place where i could actually share my voice. right now, i feel so much love for everyone here, even if i have never met any of you. thank you all.

[IAN 2411]

cherri; most everyone that has written in this thread has heard your voice, it is not just a voice but the voice of all. It is beutifully written and to the point, you have as you say escaped possible death, by your own strength, and by what you have written that is a feat by itself. Although this will remain a ghost in your memory, You must not let it cloud your mind, not all men ar like the one you had. You might never trust any one man for a long time, but dont ruin your life over thinking that all men are full of the illnes your man had. I know that it took a lot of courage to write your post, so now use that same courage to pass through life in the way that you wish, with the safety that we all should receive. Speaking as a man i would warn you because of your BDSM tenencies, that when you find another mate, then you must test him to the limit and find out all about him before you comit yourself to a long relationship. From now on all of your judgements will be tainted with the memory of the past, and in itself is not a bad thing, but dont let it take over your reasoning, or you might just pass the one that really does care.

Regards ian 2411

[13'sbadkitty]

thank you cherri for sharing this, i am deeply touched and honored to have been allowed to read it. i am grateful we all survived that have been through this and lived to show others that they can live too.

[scheherazade]

For everyone who has shared their experiences, thank you for your bravery and your openness. I have never been abused myself, but I am a sexual assault advocate at a local rape crisis center. I wanted to offer another resource for anyone who has gone through, or is going through, sexual abuse or domestic violence. There are literally thousands of rape crisis centers across the country just like mine. (If you would like a list of some in your area, feel free to PM me.) We offer free counseling to survivors of abuse and their families, free legal advice, help in finding a job/relocating, beds in a women's shelter for survivors and their children, and a complete children's advocacy center for our child clients, just to name a few things. Additionally, many hospitals will call the local rape crisis center when they perform a rape kit/domestic violence intervention, and the center will send an advocate to the hospital for support and information. This is especially important for women who feel that they can't talk to their families about what has happened. There are people out there who care about you and love you and want to see you thrive in the midst of these dark times.

[denuseri]

Thank you so very much for offering access to those services sheherazade!

[wettoy]

It's been a while since I have been back here, and like always densuri, it's always been a pleasure. I am a survivor and a stronger soul as a result, I was purely vanilla prior to meeting this man, and he introduced bdsm without my consent and he encouraged himself to have sex with me even when I have said no. I do enjoy submission and bondage and all the fantastic dynamics that play along, for I knew when he introduced this to me, I didn't know they had a name for it. And it was many years before the internet. Alot of terrible things did happen and the first time I left him he said he would kill me, I ended up staying for a total of 23 years and spent two years running, a condition to leave me alone was to leave my children and promised me to death, they would never be mine. They are grown but they are silent and are kept away from me. I love them unconditionally but they have become as cruel and as manipulative as he, I tried to do everything I could for both myself and the children, My freedom and and the support I get from my current Daddy, assures me that my interests and intentions are good as he tells me, I am an angel flying too close to the ground. There are alot of good people in the world but alot of bad ones... always and please always make sure you know what your getting into before you commit yourself to anything. An important topic densuri, good Job!

[wettoy]

I would also like to note on the therapists out there, I tried three... one said, He probably did kill your daughter, the next one said, " it was my fault....NO WAY! and the third one said, Here's a prescription for prosac... needless to I didn't take the drugs, and I know what happened to my daughter and it wasn't my fault. The best thing that has helped me, was believing I was a good person, finding little things to do for people to show me I was good. I was always glad when they were appreciative, but that wasn't what I needed, I needed to know I was good, then when I really truly knew by my actions, I asked myself.. " If I am good, then where is the good I deserve... It took about three months and I knew I found him. When I had decided to leave no matter the risk, I was at the point of suicide, so there was nothing to lose even if he did kill me. I see through clear eyes because I took the time to show myself that I am good and worthy of honest open loving goodness, from myself and from others, and when someone is cruel, I walk away.

[slave_gurl_(tmk)]

It's strange, replying to this so late after it was started... But I still want to say that I'm so glad this is here. This site has helped me grow in my submissiveness and learn to overcome my abuse. It might be weird to say but in some ways, my abuse uncovered my unknown submissiveness. I am proud to say that, though I am still plagued with panic attacks and large crowds of people are hard for me to deal with, I am moving on and my abusers do not have power over me anymore.

[lvgrl1212]

My story: Still attempting to cope with it all....
I have been nervous to ask for help and even to reach out on here... but after talking to a few people in the chat rooms, I feel it is time to attempt to move on and tell my story.

Nov 19th 2010 was a day I will never forget. 1130pm rolled around and my father and I decided it was time for bed after watching a movie. As I started to fall asleep I had a odd feeling that something was not right, I ignored it, and went to sleep. I awoke at about 2am to a muffled scream of my father. I jumped from bed and attempted to find out what was happing. I quickly found out two people were in the house who did not belong. As i reached for my cell phone i was grabbed, held down and beat. The men then raped me over and over for what felt like hours. One then whispered in my ear, that he hopes i told my father i love him. He beat me some more and left me helpless on the floor screaming for my father. After a while I manager to get to a phone and call for help. When the cops arrived i quickly learned my father was killed and I was badly injured. Days later we learned who the men both were and that they had found me through the internet by hacking my computer. It took me weeks to go home and months to be comfortable sleeping at night. I was forced to move because I could not handle being in the same place. I am still learning to cope with the loss of my father. He was all had since my mother died when I was young of cancer. If anyone has advice or would like to talk, feel free to message me....

[MasterShamrock]

My story: Still attempting to cope with it all....
I have been nervous to ask for help and even to reach out on here... but after talking to a few people in the chat rooms, I feel it is time to attempt to move on and tell my story.

Nov 19th 2010 was a day I will never forget. 1130pm rolled around and my father and I decided it was time for bed after watching a movie. As I started to fall asleep I had a odd feeling that something was not right, I ignored it, and went to sleep. I awoke at about 2am to a muffled scream of my father. I jumped from bed and attempted to find out what was happing. I quickly found out two people were in the house who did not belong. As i reached for my cell phone i was grabbed, held down and beat. The men then raped me over and over for what felt like hours. One then whispered in my ear, that he hopes i told my father i love him. He beat me some more and left me helpless on the floor screaming for my father. After a while I manager to get to a phone and call for help. When the cops arrived i quickly learned my father was killed and I was badly injured. Days later we learned who the men both were and that they had found me through the internet by hacking my computer. It took me weeks to go home and months to be comfortable sleeping at night. I was forced to move because I could not handle being in the same place. I am still learning to cope with the loss of my father. He was all had since my mother died when I was young of cancer. If anyone has advice or would like to talk, feel free to message me....

*Huggles* I know many people who have been raped, beat, and abused in the vanilla world. And if you'd like I can be your protector and friend on here and nothing else. And you just need to remember that you are a strong girl. Also there are always martial arts vitims for abused women available in pretty much ANY area throughout the world and that's what I suggest to help you cope.

[chantress]

I wanted to say something here for awhile. I am am horrified at the abuse that happens at the hands of another person. To all of those that have shared their story here kudos and know that there are people listening and caring. I hesitate to tell my story in any amount of detail on a website as open as this but I will say that my childhood was full of abuse in many forms. I have done some amount of work on this with the help of a therapist but acknowledge that I have a long way to go. I was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and DID (dissociative identity disorder formerly known as multiple personality disorder) due to the abuse in my childhood. I am a part of several online abuse related communities and actually am the owner of one of them, however even on my own website I have not yet brought up the topic of BDSM. I think there is such a stigma that I am afraid to broach the subject. Actually while I am in the mood to be open and honest perhaps I shall write something and post in my community and maybe one other that I feel fairly safe in. If anyone here is looking for a place to talk about their abuse history I would be more than willing to lead you to my forum. Just drop me a private message. My forum isn't terribly active but it is full of good supportive people.

chantress

[MasterShamrock]

lvgrl is no longer on this site and is in My good hands as I've helped her through quite a bit of this. It turns out there was a 3rd guy and his last court date should be Friday. He's looking at 50 years+ from her cases AND other cases against him! Also the other two guys got 35 year no parole and the guy who JUST video taped the whole thing got only 10 years with parole after 5 and he even wrote her an appology letter in which she read. So she's getting through with VERY well with My help, support, and training!

[naughtybitch]

i feel like i should tell my story it is not a pleasant one my abuses mental physical and sexual happened at the hands of my former Master and his new mistress i moved in with my former Master on my 18th birthday i had how ever been talking to him online sense i was 16 at first it was wonderful then his words came harsher calling me worthless and such shortly after i became worthless he revoked my name saying i deserved no name when his frequent and already harsh punishments became move inventive one of his favorites was to beat my whole body with a hot freshly cooked in frying pan or the mental spatula that was hot from being left in the pan soon his use of tools turned from a living hell to a welcome escape from the closet where i was locked when i wasn't being raped and beaten by him and his friend and eventually by his new wife who i found out later would make stories up so that he would be all the more cruel to me the abuses i suffered from his friends and wife when left in their charge were mostly of the sexual nature they would tie me down and have me raped by all manor of things human and non so 3 failed suicide attempts and a death threat later i left him and while it has taken me forever it seems to quit looking of my shoulder and to at least glance at other peoples eyes it is still hard 8 years later the therapists i went to didn't and don't understand so i am very great full that this post is around

[angel01]

Wow...reading all of these made me cry. I am currently trying to get out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I just discovered bdsm and really want to get into it deeper. I like the idea of being helpless but im always waiting for something to happen, for them to get mad or hit. I still tense up when ever anyone touches me. I want to get more into this but im afraid to let go. Reading everyones response on here really helped.

[scarlet_85]

You have my highest amounts of respect. *hugs*

[angel01]

ME?! I don't deserve it. I feel like its all my fault, that if i had just done what he wanted it wouldn't have happened. Our divorce is my fault, in the end he wanted to try and fix things between us but i couldn't do it anymore. Maybe if i just stayed and gave it one more try....

[denuseri]

Thats the kind of talk that leads so many of us to stay in the abusive situation to begin with hon.

The fact of the matter is, the abuse is never our fualt, no one, absolutely no one, "deserves" to be abused or terrorized in such a way.

[angel01]

I'm sorry. I just...I feel like its my fault.

[denuseri]

Thats actually regretably a common feeling that we all seem to go through hon however false an assumption it may be.

Are you getting help in real life?

[angel01]

No, i have never told anyone before i posted it on here.

[denuseri]

I highly reccomend that you do get help in real life then, having someone who understands who is a professional can be very benifical and if your still in the abusive situation can help you get out of it.

http://www.rainn.org/ is a good place to start as well as http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/

[Demon_Goddess_165]

I’m having a rough night.. And I’ve got a blank screen in front of me sooo.. I guess I’ll tell the quick and dirty version my story.. Sorry if it’s a bit rambling.. I was sexually abused 3 times from the time I was 2 until I was about 11.. I never told my parents about the two later abuses but the first time was my uncle who turned out to be a pedophile and the family found out when he abused me and my brother, who was old enough to say something... Details of what happened later aren’t really important.. Basically I was put into a situation where I didn’t feel I could tell anyone about what was happening… Then when I got to high school someone had basically told a group of the upper classmen that I was an easy but unexciting lay. I spent the next 6 months or so getting harassed and dealt with it by cutting and burning myself.. If you keep a straight face and don’t start crying most people will except it when you say your fine..
Flash forward to the college years… For the most part these were good times.. Yeah I was still cutting more often than not but I was free of the people and places… And then I went and got drunk at a friend’s dorm room. He left and his suit-mate came into the room and tried raping me.. My friend came back into the room and a week later the guy moved out and left the university..
Flash forward again to present day… I just met this guy (online not r/l ???yet???) and it’s all bright and shiny and I don’t know how explain that sometimes I’ll get in a really dark mood.. That even though I haven’t in over a year sometimes I still want to stick a blade into a fire and press it against my skin so that my outsides will hurt as much as my insides because it’s way easier to deal with the external hurt.. That that’s something I can deal with when I can’t deal with all the rest.. And when I am in a bad head place part of the appeal of S&M is that the pain gives me something to focus on so I won’t freak out about the fact that someone is touching me..
I know on the one hand I can’t keep shutting down and keeping everyone out but I also can’t help feeling that if people knew just what was going on in my head it would just.. Scare them off or something..

Sorry about being all rambling, ranty, and incoherent..

[denuseri]

No don't be sorry hon, your very brave and it shows how strong you can be to come forward.

We all go through the feelings of self loathing and doubt, depression, shame. They can be omg hard to deal with, we all fear rejection that if people know they will think we are tainted or dirty etc. But the fact is what happened to us was not our fault, we are not the one's to blame and we are deserving of respect and understanding and those of us who are lost or in the dark place sometimes can see us when we do stand up and sometimes that can give them hope that it doesn't always have to be that way.

And you know something...it doesn't it really doesn't have to be darkness forever after. We can all be strong again and live life to it's fullest.

[georgygl1977]

I was abused as a child and I still have much hatred and anger in me. That being said, I have also come to see the positive spinoff from the abuse. I used to say "what if" as in what if it had never happened etc. Now I say what can I do to make my life better? I'm still in therapy and I still have nightmares, but I make an effort to greet each day with a positive frame of mind. Posts like these are wonderful, we must no longer be silent! We must speak up and help each other! The dirty little secret mentality needs to be banished. Together we can make a difference to others and maybe help prevent more abuse from happening to others.

[ksst]

I was attacked and abused by a stranger as a child, and only recently have I been able to have it cross my mind and not feel total panic. I still have plenty of hate and anger. And I always think "if only I had done x, I could have avoided it." But this is not realistic, I was a little kid, how could I have known?
This phrase I saw recently applies "Some people are only alive because I can't afford a hit man".

[enseignez-moi]

I was abused as a child and also as a young adult. One of my abusers attempted to use bdsm as an excuse because she knew that my previous girlfriend and I had been into it. I have since learned that rape is rape, no matter your sexual preference or turn-ons, but I still struggle with being a sub sometimes. I feel guilt over enjoying consensual play, wondering if some part of me did "want it" (as my abuser so frequently told me) and asked for it. I know that being a sub does not me I can be used/abused in a way that I don't consent, but still sometimes the struggle is hard.

My Dom (also my wife) has also gone through abuse and that has lead to a lack of any form of intimacy (bdsm play or otherwise) for nearly 2 years now. It's hard to work through my feelings on the whole abused sub thing when I have no situations to work through. Also, I'm what you would call easily-excitable and that leads to frustration over the lack of touch. I am so desperate to be touched, yet I feel so ashamed of it. I am so desperate to return to the role I used to play, begging, coercing, topping from the bottom, and being told what to do in the bedroom, but I am afraid to upset my Dom.

Can anyone relate to this or give advice? How do I go about getting the pleasure I so greatly want without guilt? Sex is currently out of the question, but any advice on vanilla-ish alternatives that will give me the authoritative relationship I crave?

[denuseri]

I totally relate to this especially since my situation came about with someone who called themselves a dominant too who abused my trust.