How to start

[sardis]

I'm new to the scene: little experience.

I came to this 10 yrs ago as I was leaving my first wife and meeting my next. (A special moment: reading The Loving Dominant under a lighthouse in Norfolk).

I feel dominant, but it seemed hard to be dominant when your failing (getting divorced).

We explored a very mild form of sub/dom experience before we married...after that the buzz diminished. And there are no basements (dungeons) on the gulf coast, but we did have 2 kids at home.

Can you pick and choose a BDSM lifestyle ?

I'm rambling. Somebody please start a thread on alcohol and BDSM.

Anyway... the dom feeling has never gone away..and now as I read the postings on this site I feel like I am missing something thats important. Not just to me but to my wife as well. We have become ordinary meeting the demands of a very busy (work demanded) life style (12 hrs a day leaves little optional pleasure).

So how to start ? I will not let this go. I won't.

The intelligence, respect and support, and yes love...draws me.

It seems to me BDSM is a pure form.

Sardis

[fetishdj]

You can pick and choose. Ultimately, your relationship is whatever you make it. You can get ideas from a site like this but we cannot determine how you do things (after all, that would not only be topping from the bottom but also topping from another part of the world :) )

Take things as slowly or as quickly as you feel you need to. Most people tend to start by a lot of communication - writing journals, talking about fantasies and so on. From the sounds of it you have done some of that already.

You may want to ask about your local scene - see if anyone on here or on another site is local to you so they can introduce you around and get you into the community properly.

As for dungeons... they don't need to be underground. Just fit out a spare room or a garage or your bedroom with equipment. Just make sure you can lock the door so that the kids can't get in there.

[sardis]

Fetishdj

thanks for the advice...I plan to contact the local scene...****n off a cliff and see when/if I hit bottom ( :) )

[sardis]

Anyone here local to Houston ?

[gemmy]

There are many on the site who are from Texas and I'm sure you'll meet many in no time. Truly going into Chat and just spending time around here helps growth in many areas of the Life.

You will find many real people around this board, and not all are 'scene' people as I don't think the 'scene' local or not is for everyone, especially if you're a particularly personal / private kind of person.

Finding another, more experienced Dominant to agree to Mentor you may be a better way and there are such great people just around here as well.

Good luck in your search!

[sardis]

Would an experienced, wise sub make a good mentor for a Dom ?

[fetishdj]

I think there is a lot of debate about that... :) There is at least one thread on here discussing this issue. It can cause problems because the sub may be seen as Topping from the bottom, i.e. telling the Dom what to do. That can affect the relationship dynamic. Look up the thread 'Experience Discrepency' as that is a recent covering this issue.

As for the local scene. Yes, it is true you can do without it and those who are shy (like me) prefer not to indulge in it. However, if you are looking for a mentor to help you out it is one of the better ways to do so because many are wary of those they do not know in person. Often you can make good connections online and build up to an eventual in person meeting but this is a lengthy and often unsucccessful process. However, attending a few local events will get you into a community of like minded people who you can talk to and they can get an idea about you and you can get an idea about them without a lengthy process of online communication. I am not saying you need to be turning up to fetish and play parties all dressed up with your sub following you on a leash with her tits out or taking part in demos. Thats too much even for those of us who are not shy :) However, finding out about your local munches and go to them. These are usually non play/non fetish wear pub/restaurant meetings where you just talk and 'network'

[TomOfSweden]

I was in a very similar situation when I divorced my ex-wife... and this is when I met my current wife. So I think I can empathise.

Emotional uproar, (like divorce) makes you question everything about you. This is good. But just because you're questioning it, doesn't mean it'll change. It probably won't. It'll just make you aware of the things you already have within you.

Sex is in the head so there's no generalised rule covering how much any dom needs to live out to feel content. You need to figure out exactly what you need and aim for that. The rest is fluff. The key here is need, not want. We desire all kinds of shit we don't really need.

If you're in pain when you don't have it... then it is a need. For example, do you feel empty when your lover doesn't swallow your cum unflinching on command? If you want it because everybody has it in the group you identify yourself with, its just a want. We can never have everything we want, so even trying to get everything you want is just setting yourself up for misery.

Needs have to be fulfilled, wants are used to spice your life. I think that's a good map to follow for the serious dominant.

Questions on that?

[TomOfSweden]

Would an experienced, wise sub make a good mentor for a Dom ?

I think any wise and experienced practitioner would be great at seeing their actions from their sex partners point of view. I think its a pre-requisite to wear the "wise" or the "experienced" badge.

[denuseri]

It all depends on the experiences that the "experienced sub" has had,, a good sub, experienced or not, won't top from the bottom if she knows yur situation. and as fetish said look in the expeirence thread, try the peronals on the site here for local people, as well as >google.....typing your city name and "munches" or bdsm munch etc to get your areas bdsm comunity.

[ashtonDs]

I agree with Tom of Sweden, in that it is good (vital, I would add) to see things from your partner's point of view. But it would seem to me that if you had a sub for a mentor you probably wouldn't play with that person. They would be there to answer questions and to debrief after a session, etc.

If you do have someone acting as mentor and sub it would probably be best to have them make comments before and after a session and to follow you during. That would prevent topping from the bottom.

[sardis]

FetishDJ: Ok so I couldn't find the Experience discrepancy thread using the search tool...and then got totally distracted reading all the other threads along the way.


Thanks
Later.....

[fetishdj]

I'll see if I can dig it out for you...

[fetishdj]

Ok... try this link: http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15806 it should take you straight to the thread.

[sardis]

FetishDJ: Many thanks for the link. It's an encouraging read. We start from different positions... I guess it's where we (think) we end up that counts.

(will have to get better with the search tool)

[sardis]

ToS: Interesting thought. If I have come this far without practicing D/s is it really a need ... or just a want ?

Could I have this need repressed for so long ? Or have I now progressed to self actualisation and moved beyond the regression into D-needs ? (after divorce).


How much do you need to want something for it to be a need ?

Is chocolate a need ? :)

[sardis]

Denuseri: Lots of options if I type in local city and munches.

Just have to pick one. Thanks.