Internet relationship: blessing or torment?

[Rowen]

On the forum I have read about the online relationships of some of the members, some of them most touching.....sometimes developing in real life relations.
Looking at my own experience and feelings I wonder wether it is a blessing or a torment. Blessing because it makes it possible to meet that need that apparantly exists, to try out likes and dislikes, to safely test and experiment, to get to know people you would normally never have met.
Or is it in fact a torment, giving you a taste of something you don’t have in real life, make the longing only bigger and bigger meanwhile making you realise just how much you miss it, yearning to experience what other members share.
Tell me, what is the case for you? What did it bring you?

[Warbaby1943]

It can be both as you say. Just have to learn to temper it with prudence, I guess.

[His_blizzard]

Master and I began as an online couple in a D/s chatroom, but neither of us was attached at the time and we had every intention of becoming real life if all went well. It did, we did and were blissfully happy, (even though we were long distance the entire 5 years of our union) until Master's death on June 6 of this year.
I personally, could never be in an online only relationship. To others, that is the only way they want to go. As Warbaby said, it can be both. "peace" ~blizz~

[Arria]

In my opinion, this need will not simply go away if it is ignored.

I made my first BDSM experiences before the time when everybody had a computer, and found and married a Dom in real life :-)
Even so, there are things I´d like to do and that are simply not possible, because they would create permanent and severe physical injuries, or would even end lethal (which is something that neither my Dom nor I want).
I found someone with whom I can play these things online - hubby knows this, he even likes to read it -, though. For me, it is a great relief and helps getting these wishes - or rather, the urgency - out of my head for a while.

Moreover, there were things I basically wanted, but could not tell my hubby because I thought them really just too dirty... or which I did not allow myself to like, because they just did not fit into the picture I had of myself. Several forum members, mostly subs, were a huge help for me in those areas, and helped me to accept myself, and helped me to get brave enough to let hubby know. I would like to thank them for that, yet again.

So, within these limited settings, I am pro-online :-)

As for people who live with a vanilla spouse and don´t want to or can´t realize what they want and need - I could not tell.

It has been my experience, though, that wanting something, and being forced to suppress these needs, can be very harmful to a relationship.

These were just my 2 cents. I do NOT advocate to do things behind your partner´s back, though. I just don´t believe that suppressing works. Not in the long run.

[Ozme52]

Have Flogger.

Will Travel.

[thrall]

For everyone there is a time and place to fledge ones wings......Be that behind the safety of an avatar or in the flesh.......

We are who we are......we feel what we feel....we need what we need....


Its like a child having a tantrum and holding their breath until they get what the want......they will.... eventually.... breathe.....and take in the air that brings them life.........

[DowntownAmber]

Have Flogger.

Will Travel.

Thank you, Palladin. Good to know. *hehehe* ;)

[denuseri]

online can feel very real for many, i myself have experienced great emotions online, real life is real life, there is no easy retreat from it.

people in history have had relationships via only letters, its a lil slower but just as meaningful for them at the time

"its all a matter of perspective Luke"

Ben Kenobi, Return of the Jedi

[Lady Hecate]

i have to say for the most part, i really don't care for "online" relationships.
The biggest problem i seem to have with them, constantly, is that if i happen to get even slightly miffed about something that my online partner has said or done, i have a much greater tendency to over react very strongly when the relationship is online.
Because i am never standing in front of my partner looking them in the face, i am much more likely to just blow up and write ridiculous, over-the-top phrases that i would probably never use to their face..unless maybe i was either very drunk, or ridiculously pissed off at them.
i'm not going to name anyone here, but just the other day i actually sent an email to a certain someone telling him i felt like i wanted to "smack him upside his ugly head."
Seriously, folks, i don't talk like that in real life. What the hell happens to my brain when i'm online?? Seriously, i don't know.
All i know is that communication is really better done face to face.

[Aussiegirl1]

I think you already have some great perspectives here.

For me, my online life is a very real part of my life. While it can be a torment at times, it has also given me some of the most rewarding and intense times of my life. You just need to make the most of those times and the experiences they can offer you.

I do think some people hide behind an avatar, but for me, it allows me to be more open and honest than I can be in person.

[sidhewolf]

On the forum I have read about the online relationships of some of the members, some of them most touching.....sometimes developing in real life relations.
Looking at my own experience and feelings I wonder wether it is a blessing or a torment. Blessing because it makes it possible to meet that need that apparantly exists, to try out likes and dislikes, to safely test and experiment, to get to know people you would normally never have met.
Or is it in fact a torment, giving you a taste of something you don’t have in real life, make the longing only bigger and bigger meanwhile making you realise just how much you miss it, yearning to experience what other members share.
Tell me, what is the case for you? What did it bring you?

For me Online is a way to expand ones horizons in the sense of maybe opening up possibilities. And opportunity to speak with other People one may never have the opportunity to due to geography. The net is great for getting a variety of information. Its a good tool I think for things like E-Groups like this one, and many others. Some E-Groups I am on utilize the net as a means of announcing Meetings, or Munches, and other Events, one may wish to attend. Or even People of interest that one may wish to meet. They also provide discussions via email, much like this one does.

Over the years I have met some really good People at Poly Meetings, Munches, and Events. Some have become long term RT Friends or more. Some I have e-met have become years long net Friends, and we will likely never meet due to geography.

I have also e-met (and even at some Meetings, Munches, or Events) People who were nothing like who they were online, And Predators.

Overall I am a RT person. Online does not translate to me to anything more than an E-Friendship, or the possibility of something more, until I have actually met that person RT. My Real Life Always takes precedece. If I want or need something in my Real Life, I will do my dead level best to find it and make it happen. Sitting in a chair on a computer does not constitute Real Life for me. I simply cannot wrap my head around it.

Just my .03 or so <G>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[angelic.zest]

I had a loving, most wonderful online relationship which most of you know but the timing was off and things just didnt work out between him and i.
The love that was between us was/is real and its still there and probably will continue to be there as long as we want it to im sure. He was very good to me treated me with respect, never pushed any o/l hard limits that i had, he would always let me know if he wasnt coming online and when he thought he might be back from his daliy routine.

Things just didnt work out between us but i wouldnt want to do anything over, i dont regret him or my choice to want to be in a o/l relationship with him.
Him breaking it off was alittle bitter sweet, it hurt like all hell the pain was real to me when he broke it off but i had to realize i needed to get into something of "more in the flesh" type of relationship. Which im trying going out, trying to meet ppl, wanting to go to my first munch real soon.
I wouldnt rule out another o/l relationship for me, im pretty sure i will be in another one, hopefully one just as rewarding for me as my last one.

For me it was both a blessing/torment- as i said i wanted to be in flesh with him but it didnt work out but it was great just talking and having him as company. He was great and i miss it *wont get teary eyed lol*

[claire]

It is both for me!. He is my first and I have learned so much and I love him so much and I live for the time we have together on line. For various reasons he is often absent for long periods of time, once several months. I wither in his absence, thirsting for his attention and love. At times it flares to a need for anyone's attention as I die inside. The meeting we both hope for in the flesh, seems less and less likely. The torment of my need for the flesh is almost a physical pain. He has reawakened physical and emotional needs that I had shut down long ago. The loneliness and agony of desire is almost unbearable at times. Yet I regret nothing, only the distance that separates us. It is good to know at last, that I can feel these things and possibilities exist however remote they may seem. Yet again, sometimes I despair over ever having what I need in the flesh.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

Master and I met online. I had other online relationships before I met Him. Those were both blessings and curses. They were blessings in that I could see how different Doms behaved towards their subs (I had one who was very strict, where I could not speak until spoken to, had lots of tasks to complete, etc. Another one was very relaxed and let me basically do what I wanted to do as long as I was respectful and obeyed Him). I also got to be a kajira for one Master, which I probably would not have been able to do in real life. The o/l relationships were also curses in that the Doms were experts in handing out the velcro collars and that is not a good feeling when you haven't seen your Dom in a week online and then see another sub wearing His collar and His name.

My relationship with Master has been a blessing from the beginning. I wasn't collared by an o/l Dom when W/we met, but I was playing with other Doms online, since I was free to do so then and I still was playing with them for a little while after I initially met Master. However, I knew that W/we were meant for one another and I let the other relationships go to focus completely on Him. I had gone back to college about a year before W/we met o/l, so after classes I would rush home and have some supper, then take my book bag down to the computer lab where I was living. I would do my homework while I waited for Master to come online and then W/we would chat for about six or more hours. I lived for those hours on the computer and I was a mess if the computer kept booting me or I couldn't get online at all. I was amazed at how very quickly I got so intensely involved with Master. I was one of those skeptics who did not believe that you can fall in love with someone whom you had never met face to face. I was quickly proven just how wrong I was!

[deigja]

Master and I have met o/l.
Actually we kept sending messages to each other, never even meeting in chat at the beginning. One day we happened to be o/l at the same time ;-) and from then on everything got better and better. We soon changed from chat to messenger and one day i felt the urge to give him something special, I desperately wanted to please him and without telling him beforehand I turned my cam on.
I usually only use it for chatting with people that I know r/l but who I cannot see very often due to geography, but that evening it just felt right to me.
With this our relationship, which was not yet one of master and slave, gained a whole new dimension. We talked a lot about what we thought a relationship should be like, how we would like to fit BDSM into our private lives.
When it became clear that it was just a matter of time until we would meet in person, he gave me some little tasks, always telling me that it was his wish but my decision if i would fulfill his order as long as I had not declared myself his.
we met twice in r/l before I finally was his. We have decided to both sign a contract. We know that it is not legally binding, but we both intend to keep it and it shows what we both have decided together, how our master/slave relationship is supposed to be.
What we have now is a happy r/l relationship. I do not want to miss him. But performing tasks for him o/l was just one step on our way to a r/l relationship. I could not imagine to have an actual o/l relationship that is not heading towarts r/l.

deigja

[Warbaby1943]

I could not imagine to have an actual o/l relationship that is not heading towarts r/l.

deigjaI guess it all depends on one's perspective what can and can't be imagined. Sometimes an on line relationship is as far as it can go yet still satisfy those involved in that relationship.

[butterflySlave4u]

On the forum I have read about the online relationships of some of the members, some of them most touching.....sometimes developing in real life relations.
Looking at my own experience and feelings I wonder wether it is a blessing or a torment. Blessing because it makes it possible to meet that need that apparantly exists, to try out likes and dislikes, to safely test and experiment, to get to know people you would normally never have met.
Or is it in fact a torment, giving you a taste of something you don’t have in real life, make the longing only bigger and bigger meanwhile making you realise just how much you miss it, yearning to experience what other members share.
Tell me, what is the case for you? What did it bring you?


How can it be torment, if you've never had it? you have nothing to compare it to, and everything to look forward to!

[claire]

How can it be torment, if you've never had it? you have nothing to compare it to, and everything to look forward to!

The torment is in the wanting and desire for that very thing you have never had. It is in the impatience from the waiting and the fear that it will never come. The need that eats away at your soul every day you do without.

It is like before you learn to drive. You know it is possible, you have seen it, watched others do it, heard friends talk about it. You can imagine what it will be like to have the freedom you imagine will occur when you can do it yourself. Then even when you can drive, i.e. know how, you still need access to a car. Sure, you may not know or think about all of the things that will come with it. The cost of gas, insurance, maintenance, parking, keeping it clean, what it feels like to cause an unavoidable accident, etc. Yet the longing is there and you feel the consequences of your lack such as depending on others to provide transportation for you or not being able to go to places you want to or need to go to, like the grocery store, or the doctors, or even, heaven forbid, work.... Looking forward to getting to those places does not replace your need for being there now.

[angelic.zest]

^^ totally get what your saying!!

[fetishdj]

I think the important point about online relationships is that honesty is even more important than in person. You have to know that you trust the other person both to retain confidences that you give them and to do whatever it is that you ask them to do. If you have that, then there is little difference mentally and emotionally between a R/T and O/L relationship. The only difference is physical - you cannot actually touch the person you are in a relationship with. And even with advances in technology (webcams, remote vibrators, even virtual reality if it ever gets off the ground) that barrier will never be broken because even a remote access device is still at least one step removed from physical, intimate contact.

There are many devices that can make an online relationship easier. For example there are a number of computer programs which can control a sub while they have no Master/Mistress or even control them while Master/Mistress is remote or simply away for a weekend on business/away for the day at work. The best of these I have found is Cybermistress (which is currently being modified to also work for female submissives) which has a wealth of features. You can also do searches on self bondage techniques and other ideas for online bondage.

To my mind, it is only ever going to be a stop gap or a temporary relief of desires which, as pointed out, never really go away. Better to abuse a willing sub on line with strict rules and safety and consent than to inflict it on an unwilling participant and get hit with a domestic abuse rap (or, at the very least, scare a vanilla partner with your 'strange ideas about sex'.)

[sipgirl]

Just my .02...I think o/l can work if you want it to, though I also believe both parties involved must be completely honest with the other. It is necessary to know if the relationship could ever turn into more. I agree with what others have said it is easy to hide behind a screen name or avatar , but when you choose to do so you are only truly hurting yourself. Trust must be earned whether it be o/l or in r/t. I am thankful for the Doms I have spoken with here. Having been with the same man for 17 years it helped greatly to get the opinion of someone on the "outside" so to speak and to explore the limits I would eventually set (though Ive found only a few).
I think it is all a very personal decision, but I can also tell you being from a very rural area sometimes o/l may be the only option some folks have.
However you choose to live ..do it well.

[Rowen]

How can it be torment, if you've never had it? you have nothing to compare it to, and everything to look forward to!

A most excellent comment. Thanks!

[Rowen]

Have Flogger.

Will Travel.

LMAO! Any limits to the distance?

[DowntownAmber]

LMAO! Any limits to the distance?

Heh heh heh, be careful about tempting The Wandering Wizard! He'll show up at your door and move in for a week! ;)

[Rowen]

Heh heh heh, be careful about tempting The Wandering Wizard! He'll show up at your door and move in for a week! ;)

OOPPSSS...too bad I am as heterosexual as can be..would love such a surprise visit from a domme. A sub as well, but me thinks she would have to be a subbie sub, if you know what I mean..But yes, would wrap her up gladly..hmmm..have my way with her, taking a week off...OK OK quit dreaming!

[Rowen]

You all...thanks for the replies untill now. Have gotten short in time because of some personal bussiness in an other thread...but will try to make a summary and some general lines of it.

[Rowen]

To all of you thanks for your posts. If I would summarise I think the following points are of interest:
1. O/L can certainly meet a need and can give very real emotions and experiences (read that such is the cases when performing in the "academy" as well)
2. O/L can sometimes be as good as it gets for people who simply cannot have a R/L relationship - and it seems that in many of those cases they are in fact happy that this opportunity exists. I have read that in several cases their partners know and approve of it - apparently recognizing that there simply is an urge.
3. O/L can lead to very real R/L, that being of course something only to dream about for most people
4. I missed this one, so I add it myself: it is a great way and relavite safe way to explore likes and dislikes!

More suggestions?
Take good care, keep on playing - but keep it safe!

[uninspired42]

really, its about how important the tactile sensations are to you. If you need to feel that whip, the internet isn't really for you, I think.

[Rowen]

really, its about how important the tactile sensations are to you. If you need to feel that whip, the internet isn't really for you, I think.

You have a point, even if I read that people spank or whip themselves, that will be different And of course, the hug as aftercare isn't there either.

[caligirl{Rob}]

There can be tremendously satisfying control online when both parties are open to it ...one of my strongest friendships remains my first online Dominant...with that said there is a wonderful need filled when I am feeling MR bind my breasts with ropes....grins

I think as long as all parties are of the same mind thought there are many ways to get great satisfaction online...JMHO

[HisKitty]

My Master and I started our relationship online... then we met IRL and eventually hope to move in together (playing in the parents' houses = way less fun >_>) We're both in school now, but we have webcams and are online frequently. Also, phonesex is so hot xD There's really nothing like hearing someone orgasm in your ear :D

[hopperboo]

Torment.

I had people that lied to me when I first started learning about this online.

I mean a big lie. Huge. And it's help shape a lot of what I feel about the relationships of mine and others within this 'lifestyle.'

The only reason I am still online and conversing with people online is because I am not giving a part of myself.... And if I ever get a more serious conversation going they HAVE to have a cam.

[fetishdj]

How can it be torment, if you've never had it? you have nothing to compare it to, and everything to look forward to!

Not everyone who is doing online is entirely a BDSM virgin when they start out online. There are many who have had physical relationships in the past and simply need to do *something* until they find someone willing to be their physical partner. Others travel frequently to visit their o/l partners. The seperation may not have been due to starting out in different cities. It could be that both parties have jobs but one job moves to a different city and so there is a period of seperation while the other one tries to find a new job to move to them. Its one of those things that couples often have to deal with in this modern day and the price we have to unfortunately pay for equality of genders.

[Rowen]

You certainly have a point there.. knowing the tase can make it harder to know it is there yet out of reach.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Online relationships are both a blessing and a curse. When I first started exploring the lifestyle, I began online. I was able to experiment in the safety of my own home. However, it only whet my appetite for more. The frustration of never being able to meet in real life due to distance combined with the very real emotions that developed was too high a price for me to pay. I grew tired of online doms who disappeared when they ran out of things to do. I was especially tired of sitting at home alone instead of actually meeting people. I was sitting at home alone because I refused to date vanilla men anymore. I finally got the courage to join a BDSM dating site. My first real life D/s relationship lasted a year. I have since met another from the same site, and we're making plans for the future.

Online served a purpose, but I'm done with it. It truly pales in comparison to real life where I've experienced rope bondage, suspension, blindfolds, nipple torture, pussy whipping, breath play, humiliation, cropping, caning, spanking, trampling, flogging, boot worship, servitude, figging, the local community at play, and swinger/fetish parties. I'm now a full-fledged dungeon membership card carrying pervert, and I wouldn't want to have it any other way!

[Rowen]

Online relationships are both a blessing and a curse. When I first started exploring the lifestyle, I began online. I was able to experiment in the safety of my own home. However, it only whet my appetite for more. The frustration of never being able to meet in real life due to distance combined with the very real emotions that developed was too high a price for me to pay. I grew tired of online doms who disappeared when they ran out of things to do. I was especially tired of sitting at home alone instead of actually meeting people. I was sitting at home alone because I refused to date vanilla men anymore. I finally got the courage to join a BDSM dating site. My first real life D/s relationship lasted a year. I have since met another from the same site, and we're making plans for the future.

Online served a purpose, but I'm done with it. It truly pales in comparison to real life where I've experienced rope bondage, suspension, blindfolds, nipple torture, pussy whipping, breath play, humiliation, cropping, caning, spanking, trampling, flogging, boot worship, servitude, figging, the local community at play, and swinger/fetish parties. I'm now a full-fledged dungeon membership card carrying pervert, and I wouldn't want to have it any other way!

Looks like the internet was in fact very helpfull for you and helped you to find your way in real life. And that makes it a blessing after all, IMHO

[fantazmaster]

Ah yes and as my experience tells me ,online relationships without real life contact, generally last about 90 days.

[Rowen]

Ah yes and as my experience tells me ,online relationships without real life contact, generally last about 90 days.

There is that possibily.. and perhaps some famous long lasting online relationship are exceptions proving this rule?

[twilight(Whippett)]

Ah yes and as my experience tells me ,online relationships without real life contact, generally last about 90 days.

In my experience depending on the people involved online relationships without rl contact can last more than 90 days- I had one that lasted over a year.

[passenger]

You might be not too emotional.

Or being a macho guy or a cruel emotionless bitch, not caring about those "commitment" things at all.

But spend some nice time with someone online 5-6 times, like it or not, you will get involved, emotions will start to sparkle between you two, you will start to feel something for that living being on the other side. You will start to care about that person.

And in the end - you might get hurt ... or hurt someone and feel sorry. Feel guilty. Feel like you betrayed someone that might have loved you. Just like in a real-life relationship.

It's amazing. Despite you try to convince yourself: come on, it's only online. Well, online matters too. :(

Because, like it or not - you are in a kind of relationship. Face it!

[Rowen]

In my experience depending on the people involved online relationships without rl contact can last more than 90 days- I had one that lasted over a year.


You might be not too emotional.

Or being a macho guy or a cruel emotionless bitch, not caring about those "commitment" things at all.

But spend some nice time with someone online 5-6 times, like it or not, you will get involved, emotions will start to sparkle between you two, you will start to feel something for that living being on the other side. You will start to care about that person.

And in the end - you might get hurt ... or hurt someone and feel sorry. Feel guilty. Feel like you betrayed someone that might have loved you. Just like in a real-life relationship.

It's amazing. Despite you try to convince yourself: come on, it's only online. Well, online matters too. :(

Because, like it or not - you are in a kind of relationship. Face it!


Perhaps this is what you both are telling?
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?p=696731#post696731

[xXfuckdollXx]

the only good part is that it's easy to meet people online. other than that, i don't care for online relationships. i have tried a few times, and tried to put effort and commit to it and always felt like something was missing.

[shayna{L_D}]

my frist online relationship was one that was good and bad. More bad then good. My love for him was real, and his love for me was real. When we stated talking it was like i was talking to a best friend, it felt like magic to me, it was wonderful, life changing even. But then again, it is easier to get your feelings hurt when you invest emotions into someone online.


Him and i broke it off in early August, and i am still heartbroken/hurt/scarred/and deeply in love with this person, thankfully for me he has in some ways dissapeared so we canot have contact anymore.

I dont think i would rule out another o/l relationship, but i know next time (if there is a next time) i will be more cautious and i will never find someone like him again, i know that but maybe ill find someone better, or someone that'll treat me better.

Who knows i may find someone in real time :)

[shayna{L_D}]

;)

[bip0lar]

heh. i've asked myself that, i'm happy to see this topic here. Online relationships, for me at least, are a bitch--especially when one already has the predisposition to attach to others quite quickly. It's like logic clashes with emotions. [which isn't a first, i know]
I mean, one knows that the chances for anything happening real life are very very slim, and being 'clingy' is much harsher from an online point of view--let alone lack of touch, taste, smell. The internet, my head tells me, isn't the place to get what i'm missing. [But tell that to the emotions that have formed ties not easily severed with people i've come to care for. heh]

[moco]

found this very interesting thought maybe could talk about it again

:bump:

:wave: