New to the scene

[sweetmissy]

Hi! I'm not only a newbie to this forum but also a newbie to the D/S lifestyle. This is long message but I would appreciate any insight anyone can give me. I'm sure you get posts like this all the time.I guess I'm dealing with not only the issues of being a new 'sub" but also an added factor. I have been in along term relationship for five years. This relationship is what I believe is termed a "vanilla" one. However, about 5 months ago- I ran into my "first" love and since then we have started a D/S relationship. He is much more experienced than I am in the ways of D/S....We have know each other since we were infants and he has introduced me to this lifestyle. He is also in a long term "vanilla" relationship. We have corresponded via email, AIM, and have traveled from one end of the country to the other to see each other several times now...But without any physical "play" time. Old story Huh? Is this a transition because (excuse the pun) I'm just out of the D/S closet? Being with my "Amo" (master in Spanish) is like living in technicolor when I have been all the years stuck in a black and white conservative existence. Last week I tried to break it off- and went revolutionary on him and told him I couldn't do this anymore...I felt empty as soon as I did. We are know communication again and I soon have another trip coming up to see him- this was to be our first "scene" together and I WANT it soo bad but I am SOOO conflicted about our complications. I know this is a hell of an introduction but I feel like he is the glove that covers the skin- Life is so much brighter, and crystal clear with him- without him- I feel empty and lonely- I feel committed to my significant other because I feel obligated to him after so much time- any suggestions? All I can think about (night and day) is my Amo........Amo has posed the question: "Do you wish to ask to be my Sub?" We have already discussed the implication and responsibilities of carrying this out long distance and the fact that "going revolutionary" when I don't like his orders will be out of the question in the future. I know he loves and cares for me, hell, he has told me that since I was 4 years old....and...he was my first ever. In his eyes: It is the "Sub" who chooses the Master. He can only accept of reject me.... He admits that this may end up changing both of our lives in such a way, we turn everyone's worlds (our significant others) upside down...Any ideas?

[erisv]

it sounds like you have a lot going on and i need to ask... is it really fair to your long term partner to be going on in this manner behind his back? you say you are commited to him and yet you are flying across the country to be with another man, that's really not very commited and it's downright cruel. if you want your Amo then both you and he need to sit down and consider the other people in your lives for a few minutes and decide how you are going to break up with them. it's not fair to your partner or his to continue sneaking around behind their backs in such an illicit manner and in the end you will end up hurting them both worse then if you simply sat them down and said you wanted to leave.

the other thing you should think about is whether it is really your Amo or the D/s style relationship that he is offering you? i'm new to this lifestyle myself and find it to be heady and almost addictive at times even just thinking about it. and just a thought but since you say you are commited to your partner there is always the idea of drawing him into your newfound interest in D/s. the boards are full of couples that discovered D/s together and are quite happy for it.

honestly i am not trying to be a bitch even though it might sound that way and i apologize if you take offense to what i have to say feel free to disregard it utterly if you like.

jen

[MrJerseyGuy]

No matter how ya slice it or whatcha call it...cheating is cheating and it sucks. I used to do it until someone did it to me and I found out how much it hurts to be on the other side. If you want your new relationship to be a healthy one, I'd suggest handling the one you're in first. Even if it means ending it.

I don't mean to sound like some bible thumping morals freak...I'm not. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I owned a detective agency for years and never saw a relationship that started from cheating end in anything but disaster.

Maybe you should give your current a shot...who knows, he might like a chance to take a riding crop to you!

[sweetmissy]

First off, I am not insulted in anyway because of your advice. I think it is honest, fair, and offers a very rational perspective.
Hmmm. :rolleyes: It sounds like you folks are the voice of my conscious. Yes, I think this is one of the reasons why our meetings have yet to begin with any "play" time. I have tried to rationalize my significant other's infidelities as a good reason to do this- but alas, I have been unable to really find any ethical grounds that will help me sleep at night. My relationship is a mess and has reached the end of it's time- I cannot deny that- my sig. constant infidelities are no excuse for my testing my own moral grounding. I'd also like to say that I know how it feels to be the one getting screwed by a partners cheating-
As far as introducing my sig. to this lifestyle- NO. He is in no way interested in it- I have already hinted at it and his reaction was one of disgust. Selfishness has always been his "thing" and after his initial reaction, I would not ask him again. It was hard enough to bring it up the first time. In addition, I can't stand the sight of him- would you- if you knew your partner had other lovers? If anything, I think next meeting with AMO will be held to discuss that if we are really going to pursue a 24/7 relationship, what are we willing to do about it...I already know his answer is to move forward and be together. Thank you ....I am not very assertive and part of this stems from my "submissive nature.." But I can tell you this- This is REALLY strange because my new found lifestyle has me actually making positive changes in my life- changes I never thought I could assert myself to do- I think that's odd considering it's the "sub" role I fill. But, in public, my friends and family have noticed, I am a much more open and confident person now- I find that soo odd.
Yes, I think it's time for a change- I think Amo is just the last straw- but this has been coming for awhile. Besides, If I don't dump the current man (trust me, he has it coming!) how can I ever turn those hot and heavy fantasies about a good, hard, spanking (the kind that will leave my bottom red and stinging)while tied to a pole, into a REAL (goody, goody :) ) hot and heavy scene.....with a mature man who knows how to treat me...hmmmmm....
Thanks guys- I still have alot of things to learn-

[MrJerseyGuy]

Now I feel bad!

I wasn't trying to be judgemental. It's just my personal opinion. I just think you will have a lot more luck in your new relationship if you end the current one honestly.

I can sympathize and have posted on previous occassions that I don't think I could ever be satisfied in a vanilla relationship again. Once you get the bug to experiement, its hard to go back.

I wish you only the best, my dear. Keep us posted and best wishes to you.

[woodsman'sgame]

Good luck, Sweetmissy. I hope everything works out for you. By the way, I can understand how the submissive role makes you more confident, but let me suggest that it is not so much the role as the relationship with your Amo. He obviously wants you and cares for you. He probably makes you feel like you are desirable whereas you current partner cheats on you, possibly making you feel like you aren't enough for him.
There is nothing like being wanted and loved by someone you love to make one feel on top of the world.

[sweetmissy]

Thank you all of you- you have been sooo sweet about this- Mrjerseyguy- I really do appreciate your advice-Don't feel bad-I just took your advice to heart- which is a GOOD thing- I am taking a trip, in a week, up North to resolve this...It's also a long distance relationship so we have to work who's moving where....
Yes, I think it is a lot do to Amo-If I only would of said yes to marrying him when he asked me! (that was when I was four and he was six and I think he just did it to impress my mom for an extra serving of chocolate cake at my birthday party!)lol
Thank you again- I'm sure this will come to be resolved in the next few days-
By the way, so- I'm not the only that feels that way about staying in a boring "vanilla" relationship! That makes me feel better- I'll let you know what's going on in the next few days- Until then-I'll just stick to cyber-sex as my relief- after all- I think that's fair- a girl's got to get her treats somehow! :p

[Barton]

The main point that woodsman'sgame and MrJerseyGuy make is a very valid one. Any relationship of this type must be an honest one. More honest than a vanilla one to be sure as a master/slave relationship is much more intense on both an emotional and physical level. Their saying that it should start out based on honesty, is very good advice.
Barton.

[erisv]

sweetmissy, i'm glad to hear that you're going to work things out properly as you begin your new relationship. i think everyone is right when they say you will feel much better about it in the long run and there won't be any of those little resentments that can build up when one doesn't end/begin a relationship in the right order. i wish you the best of luck with your Amo hun and if he asks you to marry him again (even if it's just to score another extra piece of b-day cake from mom) you could always shock the heck out of him and say yes ~wicked grin~...i am such a brat lol.

oh and just a sidenote to MrJerseyGuy...you are too right about it being too late to go back once the bug bites. there are days i wish i could be happy in a vanilla realtionship because it would make life so much easier but it's just not possible, especially since i am the sort to push when i don't feel that control i need exerted over me. ~smirks~ more then one guy has ended up a doormat for not knowing how to push back and keep me in line.

[sweetmissy]

I think u are on to something with the doormat thing- Many men I have dated have ended up doormats because they simply did not get the courage up to say "No!" "You will not have your way"- The ironic thing is that if they did, I would have respected them for it AND it would have been a complete turn on-I think it's a part of human nature to test boundaries- As far as the "vanilla" relationship thing- You are right...I can't even fantasize without adding some D/S play to my private thoughts- you know...being put in a completely subordinate position. I know this may sound strange but the D/S cyber play I and Amo have constructed LITERALLY left my hands shaking on the keyboard. Needless to say, the phone sex itself has been better THAN any sex I have EVER had= which leaves me wondering what will the real play be like- my head will probably explode :eek: mid-coitus!
By the way, I told my significant other that it's a good idea if he find his own place- the reaction- no big deal- He said, "I saw this coming and was wondering when you were gonna get to it." The good news is, he wasn't phased in the least-after a five minute talk- he feels that things have "fizzled" between us and thinks at least a separation is in oder- No objections from me! It was not as hard as I thought-Thank God this is my place and there are no financial ties...whew!!! :)