What am I? Sub? Dom? Wannabe?

[Rowen]

Now here is perhaps a strange questionCos…am in doubt, even more so after reading cg’s thread on being submissive.

The question is simple: am I a submissive – or am I dominant. Or am I stuck in fantasy? The answer I don’t know.

I love to read about girls being dominated, I enjoy the bondage videos, and have enjoyed some online domination…and like thinking out devious punishments and humiliations (as demonstrated in some roleplay and with mistress’slave)
However, in fact I want to give the tied or dominated girl pleasure, reading how she enjoyed it really makes me feel good. Love the make her feel safe in surrender, in heaven while helpless…so how dominant am I really?

Then, somehow I would like to be that girl. Sounds crazy, but can’t help it. Perhaps it is more I want to feel what she feels. I have no transgender desires fantasies whatsoever. And yes, there are the experiences of being tied up by my GF, the submitting to mistress and that was great.
Then there are the fantasies of a strict mistress putting me through my paces…but vids about that don’t turn me on. Not at all…however…mistress dominating, punishing me…big turn on..

I joined the “academy” , and the thought of performing tasks both scares and excites me…but also I notice I would love to asign tasks. in fact did so outside the academy. However, am unexperienced at it.
Also, the one I assigned the task to quickly discovered she was more dominant than submissive…and almost automaticly I offered to help her, offered doing a first task for her if she would join the academy, her being rather insecure. So much for me being dominant…

It felt great to submit to mistress, it really did, and I will never ever be able not to submit to her…not a chance. But I think I really suck (yeah, yeah, not that way) as a submissive…being stubborn, wanting to go my own way, doing things I shouldn’t do (see other question), loving to be indepent….making me impossible for a dominant..would disappoint them time and again.
And yes, am a big, strong indepedent guy, not the "cutie sub" at all...somehow...being a big man makes me feel I simply should be dominant. I know i know, it is sexist...but it is how I feel.

Then again….want to feel safe by the guidance of a domme…love to make her proud of me, please her, prove her I am worth her trust. Feeling so incecure when I can’t ask her, when I don’t get that reassurance I am doing well.

So…I really am confused, don’t know. Am I a wannabe sub? Or a wannabe dom? Both? What do you think, having read my stories, post and experiences so far?

[blythe spirit]

Maybe you're simply a "switch?"

[gemmy]

Maybe you're simply a "switch?"

I agree with blythe; it's likely you are a switch Rowan.

I don't think your physical size has anything to do with it but yes, I can understand your perception and I do have to say....."a great big Dominant, mmmmmm, that's just yummmmo!"......hehehe

Sounds like you have the Dominant part sussed but are having confusion only about the submissive side of you.

It's likely that all you need is a truly strong Dominant/Mistress that brings out your sub naturally, which makes you resist your desire to be defiant to her. There are Dominants in our lives that bring that out of us instantly and naturally and it feels wonderfully splendid.

No need to question what you "should" or shouldn't be, just enjoy ;)

It's the boat I'm in currently; although I'm not a switch in any regard, I'm a very strong personality and am independent and in control of everything in my life. The Master that is very strong is the only Master I will be able to submit entirely to ;)

[Virulent]

I don't think your physical size has anything to do with it

I don't know about that - to some degree biology is destiny.

It occurs to me though Rowen; maybe you're just horny and somewhat kinky? For the last decade or so, I've been at the point where I just can't orgasm without some dominance or sadism involved. I'm not saying that you have to be as fucked up as I am to be a dom, but in my case I am somewhat lucky I guess, in that I have no anxiety or ambiguity about my sexual polarity. Without being able to compel submission and/or pain from the thing I'm fucking, I'm out of luck. That can really be maddening sometimes, by the way.

[Rowen]

I don't think your physical size has anything to do with it but yes, I can understand your perception and I do have to say....."a great big Dominant, mmmmmm, that's just yummmmo!"......hehehe

Why thank you....will keep that in mind, lol



Sounds like you have the Dominant part sussed but are having confusion only about the submissive side of you.

Am not so sure...in my dreams and in roleplay I can hide my uncertainty, real life would be different. With my gf it were only playfull bondage games. And I think I would quite easily be "topped from the bottom".. taking pity on my "victim" As mistress told me "you are a nice gentleman, but Slut doesn't need a gentle man..."

Then again...breaking through that point during a session with Slut Linda was awesome...for the both of us.



It's likely that all you need is a truly strong Dominant/Mistress that brings out your sub naturally, which makes you resist your desire to be defiant to her. There are Dominants in our lives that bring that out of us instantly and naturally and it feels wonderfully splendid.

You sure do have a point there. Even online, from the very first time I mailed whit her I felt her dominance... As written, struggled, but really...didn't stand a chance. That was scaring...she had had me shivering behind the sceen on occasions and trust me, there is no defiance then!
Writing this....must confess...perhaps that such an encounter in real life would be good. Mistress has told me on occasion that many dominants start as submissives (she did herself), also learning what it means to be dominated.

There is an other point I realised today. Perhaps I lack the courage to really submit? I mean, have read some punishment, some tasks at the academy, you know. And yes...big turn on...but doing such a thing, taking the risk of really getting humiliated..simply scares the shit out of me. I must admit I secretely admire the courage of many submissives here. But somehow it feels that when mistress (or a domme, taskmaster) would tell me do it, I would..no matter how scared I would be....strange...



No need to question what you "should" or shouldn't be, just enjoy ;)

That could be mistress speaking...and you know what? You're both right, but I have to learn that. And meanwhile...boy am I searching and wandering...

BTW: you all, Blythe, gem, virulant, thanks for helping me in that search..

[DowntownAmber]

People are complex. That's not good, not bad, just the way we are. It's a good thing to question ourselves and what we do to better understand our own motivation, but I'm never sure it behooves us to have to label everything. Like Gem mentioned, I too am very "Dom" in my day to day life. I like being in control, and historically have been the top in my relationships. Yet, I love to submit. I adore being with a man that can draw out and command that part of my personality. Does that mean I'm not a true submissive? Or maybe a switch? Perhaps just a bad Domme that got bored? *g* Nah, I think it simply means our personalities reflect off of different people in different ways and vice versa. Play with your different fantasies and turns ons and don't worry about what they mean you are, you'll gravitate to a definition that suits you personally and individually in your own good time.

[thepast]

Rowen,

First, as a few others have suggested, there is a difference between r/l Dominance and lifestyle Dominance.

Perhaps you enjoy the r/l Dominance, just as many, many submissives do. I for one am very Dominant in my daily life--it is just who I am and who I always have been. Does it conflict with my lifestyle submission? No, not at all. In fact, in some ways it strengthens it. In r/l munches, you will often find very high powered women (i.e. in high-powered corporate jobs) who are lifestyle submissives--it is because of the blissful, erotic release that they find by giving away that power via a Dominant in lifestyle. So yes, you can have both.

In terms of lifestyle Dominance... your fantasies seem to suggest that perhaps you SHOULD explore both areas of yourself. Why not? What's the harm? I assume you have been very open with your current Mistress about what you feel--if you haven't been, you should--open communication is CRITICAL. But self-exploration is such a large part of the lifestyle. There is nothing "wrong" with deciding that, after further exploration & learning, you might fit better into one role then another. There's also nothing that says you can't define yourself as a submissive and occationally Dominate or top another. The "lines" between roles are blurred--there is no cut & dry pigeon hole you have to shove yourself into. Don't block something off just because it doesn't "fit"... Also, you may try things & then decide that they are better left fantasy then reality...

Explore, learn & enjoy. The most important thing is that you have fun and you communicate openly & honestly with your partners.


Good luck!

[Warbaby1943]

Maybe you're simply a "switch?"Exactly my thought when I finished reading the post. Sometimes it is best to not over analyze and just go with the flow doing what feels right at the moment.

[Rowen]

I don't know about that - to some degree biology is destiny.

It occurs to me though Rowen; maybe you're just horny and somewhat kinky?
I thought that was the simple case for a long time...


Rowen,
In terms of lifestyle Dominance... your fantasies seem to suggest that perhaps you SHOULD explore both areas of yourself. Why not? What's the harm? I assume you have been very open with your current Mistress about what you feel--if you haven't been, you should--open communication is CRITICAL. But self-exploration is such a large part of the lifestyle. There is nothing "wrong" with deciding that, after further exploration & learning, you might fit better into one role then another.


Am thinking about that, now I am on the verge of going real life...Exactly why I am asking, because..what to look for??
I have talked about this at length with Miss Tanya. While it started with o/l dominating her slave (Slut Linda) she quickly put her finger on my submissive side...during our contacts it became obvious I was at least submissive to her: she estimates me "70% sub, 30% Dom"...and often when playing with Linda I hear her saying "your submissive side is showing!! Take care.."
She encourages me to explore, and we have an unique opportunity for that: me being submissive to her, but dom to her slave (which I love, hehehe..)

Hmm, I think I'll tell (possible) partners exactly that: am looking, exploring and let's face it, it gives many possibilities for both sides.... One of my playpartners over here discovered she was much more domme than sub... (I'll have to face the music for that when Miss Tanya is back online, but that's an other story)


Exactly my thought when I finished reading the post. Sometimes it is best to not over analyze and just go with the flow doing what feels right at the moment.


You are so right...that being a sort of submission by itself!

Once again, thanks..really helps!

[gemmy]

People are complex. That's not good, not bad, just the way we are. It's a good thing to question ourselves and what we do to better understand our own motivation, but I'm never sure it behooves us to have to label everything. Like Gem mentioned, I too am very "Dom" in my day to day life. I like being in control, and historically have been the top in my relationships. Yet, I love to submit. I adore being with a man that can draw out and command that part of my personality. Does that mean I'm not a true submissive? Or maybe a switch? Perhaps just a bad Domme that got bored? *g* Nah, I think it simply means our personalities reflect off of different people in different ways and vice versa. Play with your different fantasies and turns ons and don't worry about what they mean you are, you'll gravitate to a definition that suits you personally and individually in your own good time.

yup yup, exactly ;)

[claire]

There is an other point I realised today. Perhaps I lack the courage to really submit? I mean, have read some punishment, some tasks at the academy, you know. And yes...big turn on...but doing such a thing, taking the risk of really getting humiliated..simply scares the shit out of me. I must admit I secretely admire the courage of many submissives here. But somehow it feels that when mistress (or a domme, taskmaster) would tell me do it, I would..no matter how scared I would be....strange...


Submitting can be scary and your Dom/me should take that into consideration. That is why for me it was important to get to know my Dom and build trust, before I could submit. While humiliation and punishment scare me, they also excite me. That is the key for me. Is submitting sexually arousing or does it fill some other need in you? If not, why do it? As for being a good sub, not, me. I'm lazy, rebellious, argumentative, selfish.... It is your Dom/me's job to control and guide you as you learn to control yourself. Ultimately though I enjoy pleasing him and that is what motivates me to change.

It also sounds to me like you are a switch. Perhaps talking to other switches would help.

[alpha_Straye]

Now here is perhaps a strange questionCos…am in doubt, even more so after reading cg’s thread on being submissive.

The question is simple: am I a submissive – or am I dominant. Or am I stuck in fantasy? The answer I don’t know.

I love to read about girls being dominated, I enjoy the bondage videos, and have enjoyed some online domination…and like thinking out devious punishments and humiliations (as demonstrated in some roleplay and with mistress’slave)
However, in fact I want to give the tied or dominated girl pleasure, reading how she enjoyed it really makes me feel good. Love the make her feel safe in surrender, in heaven while helpless…so how dominant am I really?

Then, somehow I would like to be that girl. Sounds crazy, but can’t help it. Perhaps it is more I want to feel what she feels. I have no transgender desires fantasies whatsoever. And yes, there are the experiences of being tied up by my GF, the submitting to mistress and that was great.
Then there are the fantasies of a strict mistress putting me through my paces…but vids about that don’t turn me on. Not at all…however…mistress dominating, punishing me…big turn on..

I joined the “academy” , and the thought of performing tasks both scares and excites me…but also I notice I would love to asign tasks. in fact did so outside the academy. However, am unexperienced at it.
Also, the one I assigned the task to quickly discovered she was more dominant than submissive…and almost automaticly I offered to help her, offered doing a first task for her if she would join the academy, her being rather insecure. So much for me being dominant…

It felt great to submit to mistress, it really did, and I will never ever be able not to submit to her…not a chance. But I think I really suck (yeah, yeah, not that way) as a submissive…being stubborn, wanting to go my own way, doing things I shouldn’t do (see other question), loving to be indepent….making me impossible for a dominant..would disappoint them time and again.
And yes, am a big, strong indepedent guy, not the "cutie sub" at all...somehow...being a big man makes me feel I simply should be dominant. I know i know, it is sexist...but it is how I feel.

Then again….want to feel safe by the guidance of a domme…love to make her proud of me, please her, prove her I am worth her trust. Feeling so incecure when I can’t ask her, when I don’t get that reassurance I am doing well.

So…I really am confused, don’t know. Am I a wannabe sub? Or a wannabe dom? Both? What do you think, having read my stories, post and experiences so far?

Well, of course it's none of my business, but as you asked, id guess youre submissive ...and eager to please through whatever means ...and horny *smile*
Really though it sounds to me like you want to be guided but you arent used to it, arent sure how to do it, and arent sure it's ok. youre unsure how to settle the whole thing in yourself and you dont know how to give in and be taken. In other words, your new.*smile* ...dont worry so much. Whatever gave you the idea all this would be easy?

And enjoying making people happy through doing for others (even through activities that are traditionally Top or Dom) doesnt make a person Dominant. Doesnt make them sub either. Mostly it just makes them a nice person with their head on straight in my book... but then my book isnt very widely read *smile*.

[gemmy]

I don't think your physical size has anything to do with it


I don't know about that - to some degree biology is destiny.

Do you know how many small women I've met that are Domme and even Professional Dominatrix; as well as many larger men that want to be submissive?

I don't think that just because you are large or small that means you should or shouldn't be submissive or Dominant at all.

I do think it is something they would struggle against since society has already dictated what they're roles should or shouldn't be, but maybe therein lies a little fetish of it's own? ;)

[Rowen]

Really though it sounds to me like you want to be guided but you arent used to it, arent sure how to do it, and arent sure it's ok. youre unsure how to settle the whole thing in yourself and you dont know how to give in and be taken. In other words, your new.*smile* ...dont worry so much. Whatever gave you the idea all this would be easy?



You hit the nail!

[Flaming_Redhead]

You sound like a switch to me. It's not uncommon for a switch to lean more heavily towards submission or domination. It doesn't have to be perfectly balanced. Also, the whole purpose of doing this is for the enjoyment of all involved, so wanting to see a submissive enjoying herself under your hand doesn't make you less dominant. It just means you aren't much of a sadist. The great thing about submitting in a D/s relationship is that you can negotiate how much control you're willing to give up. Many times, as trust is built up, the boundaries are pushed.

The most important thing, though, is telling potential partners the truth. Some submissives would be horrified if you tried to get them to top you while some dominants would prefer that you be entirely submissive without any desire for control. If you try to suppress your desires in order to please someone else, you may wind up very unhappy and unfulfilled.

[Rowen]

You sound like a switch to me. It's not uncommon for a switch to lean more heavily towards submission or domination. It doesn't have to be perfectly balanced. Also, the whole purpose of doing this is for the enjoyment of all involved, so wanting to see a submissive enjoying herself under your hand doesn't make you less dominant. It just means you aren't much of a sadist. The great thing about submitting in a D/s relationship is that you can negotiate how much control you're willing to give up. Many times, as trust is built up, the boundaries are pushed.

The most important thing, though, is telling potential partners the truth. Some submissives would be horrified if you tried to get them to top you while some dominants would prefer that you be entirely submissive without any desire for control. If you try to suppress your desires in order to please someone else, you may wind up very unhappy and unfulfilled.


Thanks. Indeed I lack all sadistic tendencies.. not my thing. And yes, I try to be as open and honest as possible - however confusing that at times me be!
It has learned me so far that there are dominants that like a 'willfull submissive" and there are (newbie) submissives that love a "gentle dom"