Need Help

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

Hey all. My husband is vanilla and would like to learn about being Dominant. I do not want to teach him, because that would really kill the dynamic! I need some help from a Dom. Someone who can help him and teach him, refer him to books, articles, answer questions....be a sort of Mentor. He is very easy going and would really appreciate the help. PLease PM me and let me know if you think you can do it. Even if you have any suggestions, as far as reading or research, that would be much appreciated! Thanks!

fyre

[Sea_Hunter]

frey:
I would be happy to offer advice and comment to help your husband. Just for starters I offer him these bits of wisdom I have learned over the years.
1) Listen. Listen intently to what is said and what is left unsaid.
2) Take control of yourself first, and her second.
3) Don't ask, do. Know enough about your submissive that you no longer need to ask if she is "in the mood" for something. Just do it. Do it unabashadly, and with assurance.
4) In some respects the world is turned upside down. Punishment becomes reward, pleaseing you becomes more important than being pleased herself, for her pleasure comes so much through your pleasure. Learn how to recognize that, and use that for her.
5) It's actually all about her in many ways. This doesn't mean topping from below, it means recognizing her needs and meeting those needs.
6) Adapt. Her needs will evolve, change, over time. Listen to her and spot those changes and accept them. SeaHunter

[Ozme52]

4) In some respects the world is turned upside down. Punishment becomes reward, pleasing you becomes more important than being pleased herself, for her pleasure comes so much through your pleasure. Learn how to recognize that, and use that for her.

All good advice. The part I highlighted is more important than mere words imply because it is implicit in her submission that she is valued for what she can do. Her value, her self esteem, increases thereby.



5) It's actually all about her in many ways. This doesn't mean topping from below, it means recognizing her needs and meeting those needs.


That's touchy... because it is really about the relationship between you and not you or her. Some subs may want to be the center of attention, but in the long run they become disappointed and look for more.

You, as the dominant, provide that "more" by being dominant, in control, and demanding that your needs and pleasure are served.

What does she get out of it you may ask? Got a hobby? How much attention and care do you lavish on your equipment? Do that much for your sub and she'll get plenty out of it... and yet, it will still be all about your needs, your pleasure.

[Ozme52]

Hey all. My husband is vanilla and would like to learn about being Dominant. I do not want to teach him, because that would really kill the dynamic! I need some help from a Dom. Someone who can help him and teach him, refer him to books, articles, answer questions....be a sort of Mentor. He is very easy going and would really appreciate the help. PLease PM me and let me know if you think you can do it. Even if you have any suggestions, as far as reading or research, that would be much appreciated! Thanks!

fyre

Too bad you didn't have the need a couple of months ago when you had... a potential mentor in the car. :rolleyes:

I give excellent demonstrations. :blurp_ani

[Arria]

I think Sea_Hunter put it down perfectly.

My personal advice would be: Give him as much to read as possible (stories etc.), ask him what he likes/can imagine to do, tell him what you like, and see which of these things might work for both of you.

I wanted an experienced Dom, so I cannot advise you on teaching a "beginner" in a relationship. However, before I found my Dom, I learned that - knowing what I need - I was not interested in one-night-stands or casual flings anymore. I can live without sex for an extended period of time if I don´t have a suitable partner, but I cannot live without BDSM.

So I asked my gay best friend to beat the crap out of me every now and then (it works as stress relieving for me, too...).
The nice thing about the gay guys I know is that you never get a shocked "oh my God, you really like this? How CAN you! YUCK" sort of reaction. They simply listen and learn, and ask if they are not sure about something.

He got the knack of it really quick. He also enjoyed it a lot and now does similar stuff with his boyfriend *LMAO*.

What I basically did was supply him with a riding crop, and a few hints of what I like and need - more a description of what the desired state of mind (for me) was, and what it took to achieve it.
Plus pointing out that if I should break down and cry, this was exactly what I wanted, and that he should not feel bad or guilty about it, just stop the scene and hug me till I was done crying.

It worked very well. *G*

[denuseri]

hiya sis, i will ask my owner for ya, he will probably be more than willing to help your hubby out,, winks weg,, eyebrow waggels etc etc

i shall also add a prayer for ya and your new dom, new beginnings ahhhhhh, such a wonderful time,

just remeber to take yu alls time and savor every moment

hugs and kissess

[HardHand]

Hey everyone. I am fyre's husband. Just letting you know I am now on the site. Please PM me if you have any advice. I will see you around! Looking forward to it!

[Logic1]

Hey everyone. I am fyre's husband. Just letting you know I am now on the site. Please PM me if you have any advice. I will see you around! Looking forward to it!

just let the questions roll in and I am sure we can answer them.

Good luck to you and welcome to our lil place on earth!

[fetishdj]

I am assuming that you are a relatively close couple and know already how to communicate with each other... so the best advice I can give is to keep communicating. Experiment with what you want to do - start slow but you will eventually build confidence. There is a wealth of advice on this site so feel free to ask questions but I say that the best way to go is to have a play and see what you do or don't like. Just remember basic safety and keep communicating how you each felt about each experience. Maybe you should each start a journal and share thoughts from it on a regular basis? Make it a regular weekly part of your routine - say every Friday night you sit down and read each other's diaries and make comments?

[Diablo]

Good Luck, feel free to PM.

[Kuskovian]

Fyregrrrl , Seri mentioned this too me and I would be more than happy to help him out for you.

Feel free to pm eaither one of us at his and or your convenience.

[DowntownAmber]

Hey everyone. I am fyre's husband. Just letting you know I am now on the site. Please PM me if you have any advice. I will see you around! Looking forward to it!

Welcome. When J-Go (he's floating around on this site as well) and I started we were both new to all of this, he was even more rookie than I. We learned a lot together and in turn would be happy to help out with any questions, comments, concerns you have from either the Dom or sub perspective. Glad to have you on board!

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

Hey guys! thank you soooo much for all your great responses. He is really enjoying this! A little too much I think! Should I be worried????? LOL
I really appreciate all the welcoming comments and offers to help. You guys rock!!

[Ozme52]

Hey guys! thank you soooo much for all your great responses. He is really enjoying this! A little too much I think! Should I be worried????? LOL
I really appreciate all the welcoming comments and offers to help. You guys rock!!

Well, I hope you suffer delightfully. You deserve it. ;)

[Rowen]

Hey everyone. I am fyre's husband. Just letting you know I am now on the site. Please PM me if you have any advice. I will see you around! Looking forward to it!

Even if I can't be of help on this, I think you're asking her is most wise - and brave. Hope you will enjoy your journey!

[HardHand]

thank you to all and yes i'm really enjoying this, please keep sending me all the advice you can.

[Ozme52]

thank you to all and yes i'm really enjoying this, please keep sending me all the advice you can.

Specific questions would help focus the conversation.

[fetishdj]

Though I woudl say that specific questions each in their own thread with an appropriate thread title is better as this means everyone can share the joy....