A little grammar help?

[badbarrett]

Firstly apologies if this is the wrong place to post this. If it is incorrect please delete, and I'll be on my way.

I've been trying to improve my knowledge and use of grammar in my writing. So I was hoping that one of you experts could take a look a these paragraphs and perhaps tell me where I've gone right or wrong. I broken the text up below to explain my placement of the punctuation.


There is no greater shame, especially for a rich man, than to become a poor man. I am lord Daniel Coyle, I have in the past: played Polo with heirs to the throne, rubbed shoulders with the highest class of people, and entertained dignitaries and diplomats. Yet I find myself on the cusp of losing all I have, and the respect of my peers with it.

Through my own mistakes and hubris, I have slowly squandered almost every penny my dear departed father left me. The cost of keeping my wife Julia and I in the manner that we expect, has been a steady drain on our finances: the summers in the south of France, the winters skiing in Klosters and our membership to the club. The biggest losses have come from my own mistakes though. I was cheated out of millions by a underhanded and deceitful business partner, but my worst loss by far was the divorce settlement to my first wife Laura. It was worth every penny though to be rid of the stain her low born ancestry placed upon my character. Her grandfather was once a manservant for gods sake! Fortunately I managed to sever all ties with her, before the truth came out.

Taking the text sentence by sentence.

"There is no greater shame, especially for a rich man, than to become a poor man."

The commas here surround the non essential phrase within the sentence.

"I am lord Daniel Coyle, I have in the past: played Polo with heirs to the throne, rubbed shoulders with the highest class of people, and entertained dignitaries and diplomats."

The first comma denotes the end of the introductory clause.
The second and third seperate the list began by the colon.

Is there any reason to re-write "I have in the past" as "In the past I have" ?

"Yet I find myself on the cusp of losing all I have, and the respect of my peers with it."

This sentence I am especially unsure of. As it stands it is, I think, a compound sentence with the comma before the coordinating conjunction. If I was to remove the "and" would it not become a sentence with a non essential clause on the end? Which would be correct?

"Through my own mistakes and hubris, I have slowly squandered almost every penny my dear departed father left me."

The comma here seperates the the intoductory clause from the independant clause.

"The cost of keeping my wife Julia and I in the manner that we expect, has been a steady drain on our finances: the summers in the south of France, the winters skiing in Klosters and our membership to the club."

I'm sure this sentence is incorrect but I can't put my finger on exactly why.

"The biggest losses have come from my own mistakes though."

I had thought this was a simple sentence, but "though" is a dependant clause marker and should not end the sentence, therefore I should join the following sentence with it thus.

"The biggest losses have come from my own mistakes though I was cheated out of millions by a underhanded and deceitful business partner, but my worst loss by far was the divorce settlement to my first wife Laura."

"It was worth every penny though to be rid of the stain her low born ancestry placed upon my character."

Again I've used "though" this time I believe correctly.

"Her grandfather was once a manservant for gods sake!"

Simple statement.

"Fortunately I managed to sever all ties with her, before the truth came out."

Again this is wrong as "before" is a dependant clause marker, so the correct verions should be...

"Fortunately I managed to sever all ties with her before the truth came out."

Thanks for reading.

Barrett.

[MMI]

I begin this response by pointing out that, unless your writing is incomprehensible, you're doing it right. Pedants and proofreaders might take issue with this, but, frankly, my experience is that they know no better than anyone else. So, what I set out below is just to show how I would have written/punctuated the passage in my present mood (I could very well adopt another approach if I were in a different frame of mind).


Firstly apologies if this is the wrong place to post this. If it is incorrect please delete, and I'll be on my way.

I've been trying to improve my knowledge and use of grammar in my writing. So I was hoping that one of you experts could take a look a these paragraphs and perhaps tell me where I've gone right or wrong. I broken the text up below to explain my placement of the punctuation.


There is no greater shame, especially for a rich man, than to become a poor man. I am lord Daniel Coyle, I have in the past: played Polo with heirs to the throne, rubbed shoulders with the highest class of people, and entertained dignitaries and diplomats. Yet I find myself on the cusp of losing all I have, and the respect of my peers with it.

Through my own mistakes and hubris, I have slowly squandered almost every penny my dear departed father left me. The cost of keeping my wife Julia and I in the manner that we expect, has been a steady drain on our finances: the summers in the south of France, the winters skiing in Klosters and our membership to the club. The biggest losses have come from my own mistakes though. I was cheated out of millions by a underhanded and deceitful business partner, but my worst loss by far was the divorce settlement to my first wife Laura. It was worth every penny though to be rid of the stain her low born ancestry placed upon my character. Her grandfather was once a manservant for gods sake! Fortunately I managed to sever all ties with her, before the truth came out.

Taking the text sentence by sentence.

"There is no greater shame, especially for a rich man, than to become a poor man."

The commas here surround the non essential phrase within the sentence.

"I am lord Daniel Coyle, I have in the past: played Polo with heirs to the throne, rubbed shoulders with the highest class of people, and entertained dignitaries and diplomats."

I'd have written

I am Lord <Lord is a title> Daniel Coyle. <full stop here> I have in the past,<a comma is sufficent here, if you must have anything at all> played Polo with heirs to the throne, rubbed shoulders with the highest class <delete this word: classes don't have shoulders, people do> of people, and entertained dignitaries and diplomats


The first comma denotes the end of the introductory clause.
The second and third seperate the list began by the colon.

Is there any reason to re-write "I have in the past" as "In the past I have" ?

Whichever pleases you more. I like In the past I have better

"Yet I find myself on the cusp of losing all I have, and the respect of my peers with it."

This sentence I am especially unsure of. As it stands it is, I think, a compound sentence with the comma before the coordinating conjunction. If I was to remove the "and" would it not become a sentence with a non essential clause on the end? Which would be correct?

First, delete "with it". If you must have somethng at the end, why not use "withal"? But without "with it" the sentence seems fine. The comma before "and" need not be there if you don't want to emphasise the second part of the sentence - the additional loss.


"Through my own mistakes and hubris, I have slowly squandered almost every penny my dear departed father left me."

The comma here seperates the the intoductory clause from the independant clause.

I'm OK with that.

"The cost of keeping my wife Julia and I in the manner that we expect, has been a steady drain on our finances: the summers in the south of France, the winters skiing in Klosters and our membership to the club."

I'm sure this sentence is incorrect but I can't put my finger on exactly why.

I take it Julia is your wife, not a mistress or daughter. This is a bad sentence to try to introduce her. Try "... my wife and myself ... my finances ... membership of the club" Tell us her name later.

"The biggest losses have come from my own mistakes though."

I had thought this was a simple sentence, but "though" is a dependant clause marker and should not end the sentence, therefore I should join the following sentence with it thus.


"The biggest losses have come from my own mistakes though I was cheated out of millions by a underhanded and deceitful business partner, but my worst loss by far was the divorce settlement to my first wife Laura."

You certainly can end a sentence with "though", or you can substitue a word like "however". Running the two sentences together as you suggest as an alternative would alter the meaning very considerably indeed.

Also, it's "... an underhand and deceitful business partner ..."

"It was worth every penny though to be rid of the stain her low born ancestry placed upon my character."

Again I've used "though" this time I believe correctly.

"Though" is fine. You might want to put a comma before and after the word.

Laura's low-born ancestry would not affect your character, it would taint your position (in society)

"Her grandfather was once a manservant for gods sake!"

Simple statement.

"Her grandfather was once a manservant, for God's sake!"

... and do you need the word "once" even if grandad did rise above that position himself? More deprecating without it.


"Fortunately I managed to sever all ties with her, before the truth came out."

Again this is wrong as "before" is a dependant clause marker, so the correct verions should be...

"Fortunately I managed to sever all ties with her before the truth came out."

Either version is fine by me, the comma serves to emphasise the split was timely.

Thanks for reading.

You're welcome. I have merely given my personal opinion. Rules of punctuation are simply a matter of taste in my view. The only rule is, rules are made to be broken.

Barrett.

[angela_shy]

i agree with most of MMI's comments and have some minor suggestions - please ignore if not helpful:

"I am lord Daniel Coyle, I have in the past: played Polo with heirs to the throne, rubbed shoulders with the highest class of people, and entertained dignitaries and diplomats."

i suggest replacing the first comma, either with a semi-colon or a full stop.

..
"Yet I find myself on the cusp of losing all I have, and the respect of my peers with it."

i dislike "with it" and dislike "withal" still more. i also question the sense of the sentence, as surely the respect is included in "all i have"... unless made clear that the latter means material possessions. probably just a style preference. i'd agree it's improved just by removing "with it".
...
"The cost of keeping my wife Julia and I in the manner that we expect, has been a steady drain on our finances: the summers in the south of France, the winters skiing in Klosters and our membership to the club."

1. should be "and me" not "and i"
2. suggest colon become semi-colon
3. suggest "to the club" become "of the club"
...

"The biggest losses have come from my own mistakes though I was cheated out of millions by a underhanded and deceitful business partner, but my worst loss by far was the divorce settlement to my first wife Laura."

suggest the comma and "but" be replaced by a semi-colon.
suggest "have come from" be replaced by "arose from".
suggest adding a comma before "though".
suggest adding "single" before "worst".

hope that helps

angela