Confused

[confuzd132]

I'm a woman in my 30's, an athlete, a professional, a college graduate, very comfortable with my life & who I am. I am confident, assertive, aggressive, competitive, with a bit of a wild & violent side. Nothing that can't be controlled with full-contact sports, martial arts, the occassional time spent in a nice mosh pit. With all that I am, I still don't understand how I ever ended up in a submissive situation.

It started out with a guy I knew, what I thought was a 1-night hookup after happy hour one Friday but that wasn't his intention. I have no idea what he saw in me that would have given him any indication that I would end up where he wanted. It went from being a nice, comfortable casual friendship with benefits into a full-blown dominance struggle. Not life or death survival but definitely a fight. And a fight I lost, which had never happened to me before. Not that I haven't had my ass kicked in a fight, of course, I'm not invincible, but I've never been out-alpha'd by anyone before, ever.

Once he'd proved that I couldn't take him, that he could compel my submission, he backed off, said that he wouldn't force it from me but that I had to give it to him willingly. I, of course, was absolutely positive that would never happen, but it did. Over the span of 2 years, he took me from fighting to accepting to liking to wanting to complete surrender. The sex was absolutely incredible, lasting for hours, me cumming more times than I could count, him teaching me & doing things to me that I never would've imagined. He's blurred the line between pleasure & pain to the point I sometimes can't tell where one begins & the other ends. And when he told me that I was the best sub he'd ever had, I was ridiculously happy.

But he moved away, took a new job, and I've only had 1 brief email & IM exhange with him in months. I don't understand how I ended up in a submissive situation, how I could like & want it, when it's so not me in every other aspect of my life. I don't know anything about most of the things I've read about on this forum since I stumbled across it this week - limits & safe words & role designations & rules on how to act. This is something that I never wanted, never sought out but now I feel almost lost without it.

[Walker_In_The_Wild]

You needn't be confused, stranger - one's private life doesn't always equate to the public half.

How you enjoy sex needn't impact more than that. That's your choice, submissive or not.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

This happens quite often with people in the lifestyle. The largest population of subs are male subs, men who are in positions of power, authority and control IRL, yet feel the need to submit sexually. I myself have often had to be the boss at work, to be assertive and dominant, yet I am also a submissive to my Master. In fact, my first Dom was a switch who needed me to be His Domme at times and I simply could not do it. I'm not hardwired that way. I am submissive and revel in that, because it is what I want and need and I accept it.

[Chuckdom19]

It's hard, sometimes, to see the changes we go through as we proceed through life. My sub Rose is almost the opposite of you: she was always submissive and retiring, just a clerk, never a boss. We've been together three plus years and she is now a General Manager who took a major losing business to profit in a year and has consolidated her position so it is the best in the region and the leader in many ways in her community.

He found your wall, Confuzd132, and broke it down a brick at a time. You were sublimating your need for care and guidance behind force and bravado. He saw the submissive behind it, and brought her to fruition.

The hardest thing is to get back on the horse after you fall off. It seems to be the time you start looking again, for another who can touch your heart.

[DowntownAmber]

Your description of yourself could very easily be me describing myself, and I too flourish as a submissive. When that side of my life is not there, I also feel a little lost without it. For me, there is very little confusion between my very Dom personna as I'm out in the world and my desire to be with a man I can sub to - it comes down to the fact that I respect strength, confidence and the qualities I see as Dom and I emmulate them in my day to day; and if and only when I meet a man that has those qualities and can hold up to the "struggle for dominance" you describe, I sub. It's rare that this happens, but when it does it's as if all is in balance in the world.

Sometimes, the greatest show of strength is not in victory, but in a good surrender.

[SirTimothyk]

welcome to bdsm.....love to talk with you more about it...

[confuzd132]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

I guess I really just don't understand what's going on. Was what happened with him like a fluke, some random anomaly of the universe? Will it go away now that he's moved & is available so very little? Will the cravings for the things he did to me, the sensations he gave me, fade? If not, what can I do to get myself back under control?

I feel like I've woken up in some foreign land, one where I don't speak the language or know the customs, and my trusty guide & translator has disappeared. I'd really appreciate some advice.

Kat

[DowntownAmber]

I doubt it's a fluke, so much as submission triggered by a very specific type of person or personality. Once it's "out" so to speak, it's hard not to keep craving. What you do next, I suppose, depends on how strong that craving is.

In my case, I sought out similar relationships but realized very quickly that submission required not only my headspace but the trigger of a proper partner. If was frustrating, trying and painful at times, but I'm glad I didn't quash the desires in myself because they kept me aware of what I was looking for and when I did find it again it was just that much sweeter. Long story short, be prepared for a rocky road ahead. No way to sugar coat that.

[kaiserWilhelm]

Hi confused; welcome to the forum!
Firstly, once the haze clears, is for you to see this....What a blessing it is that you were led *HERE* ....to the one (possibly only) place in the world where others are like-minded and sympathetic. WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE feeling. What you're going thru.

My experience (just me, mind you) is that I needed to take time off from *any* and *all* relationships. No more rebounds, no more flirting:nothing. It became clear to me that I'd needed to "get to know Kaiser" for a long long time. So I began a conscious journey *alone* to reconcile my spiritual side (read "inner" here if this turns you off) with my outer self. It lasted nearly a year, daily quiet time and reflection and meditation to learn who I am, what I stand for, what WORTH I have.

It was without a doubt the best investment I've ever made. Today I have no fears; I respect all but don't let others use me as a doormat. I'm not angry (inside.....was never angry "outside" so I thought it didn't count! LOL!)...did I say I'm not afraid? I'm a full participant in life: still have problems, issues with G/F and issues with ex and with my (grown) kids.

But I don't have that feeling of my life spiraling out of control, like I used to have when major life events presented themselves.

I hope this helps.....

Welcome, confused, and thank you for trusting us with being your Friends!
(One day soon *you'll* be on this side of the thread! Lol!

Hugs
Kaiser

[Borgs_slave]

Personality traits and job don't equate to being submissive or dominant, nor do they equate to someones ability to do them. I am a head strong , assertive woman but I enjoy being a slave. People always believe the two equate to how someone enjoys to live in BDSM. The more people realize this isn't true the less they will be confused by it.

[Ozme52]

This happens quite often with people in the lifestyle. The largest population of subs are male subs, men who are in positions of power, authority and control IRL, yet feel the need to submit sexually. I myself have often had to be the boss at work, to be assertive and dominant, yet I am also a submissive to my Master. In fact, my first Dom was a switch who needed me to be His Domme at times and I simply could not do it. I'm not hardwired that way. I am submissive and revel in that, because it is what I want and need and I accept it.

Interesting statistic... Where'd you find it?

[Ozme52]

One important thing to realize is that being submissive is in no way a devaluing of you as a person.

That alone removes a lot of the confusion and inner conflict. There are many roles we play in life. Very few are the alpha dog, so to speak, in the work place. We submit to the executives who in turn submit to the president or owner or CEO. And we can leave if we're not happy or find a more comfortable place.

Your submission doesn't change who you are in any of the places or roles in your life, except where you desire it to do so.

[leo9]

Strong, competent women with a need to submit in private life are not rare, nor are they crazy or out of control; the ones I have met have usually been well balanced and healthy. No, this is not likely to go away: it's an important part of you, and you are lucky to have made the discovery. Explore and enjoy. You'll be better and happier for it.

If you need a metaphor for your new feelings, try this. In one of the '60s "Modesty Blaise" thrillers, the action heroine teases her boyfriend into pinning her down and taking her by force. Afterwards, recalling how he's seen her effortlessly take out much tougher men, he asks if she staged it just to help his ego. Modesty explains that in the life she leads she can never risk a moment's weakness, she must always fight to win. "This," she says, patting the bed, "is the only place where I can afford to lose."

[leo9]

Personality traits and job don't equate to being submissive or dominant, nor do they equate to someones ability to do them. I am a head strong , assertive woman but I enjoy being a slave. People always believe the two equate to how someone enjoys to live in BDSM. The more people realize this isn't true the less they will be confused by it.

I'd go so far as to say that people who are submissive or dominant through and through, in their outer and inner life, always seem to me to be unbalanced. (No criticism of anyone present intended.) Fortunately, most of us seem to have both sides to our nature. It's only confused vanillas who expect Doms to be CEOs and subs to be Stepford wives.

My late slave-wife was an aggressive legal exec who took no backtalk from anyone - except her Master. People who knew in a general way that we were into BDSM often assumed she was the Domme till she proudly showed off her latest bruises.