Keeping in touch with Doms/Dommes

[angel2536]

Would welcome people's opinion on the following:

How do you feel about your partner keeping in touch with Dom/Dommes they have played with?

I have a few Dom friends who I keep in touch with. I didn't have "relationships" with them as such but was involved on a purely "play" basis. Master is fine about me keeping in touch with them but sometimes I feel a bit guilty about doing so.

They are friends and personally I wouldn't think it was right if Master banned me from speaking to them. It's only because they got closer to me than the "average" friend that I feel a little awkward about keeping the contact. I'm not saying for a minute that I feel guilty because I think that something might happen it's only because of the intimacy we shared before.

Take vanilla relationships for example, it's not always the case that you stay firm friends with ex lovers.

Sorry if I'm not making any sense here. I just wondered if anyone else has the same issues?

Angel x

[Carmenica Diaz]

I would forbid it.

[fetish101]

forbid it????

come on! If you shared such a close relationship, they're a part of you, like it or not. If you're able to maintain a friendship level relationship, why not??

I'm friends with all my ex girlfriends...albeit not all close friends. None of them are bdsm relationships, granted, but all the same what's the big deal in keeping the friendship?

In my opinion, if a dom, or for that matter any person in a relationship, has a problem with their partner keeping in touch with their past lovers, masters, subs etc, then I would humbly suggest that they do not have full confidence or trust in their partner.

I would suggest that jealousy is borne from an initial lack of trust in a relationship....of course this is just my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt as it were...

[ValKyrie]

I think it would depend on the relationship. If there seemed to be any potential for this previous Dominant to interfere with My training of and My relationship with My subbie, I would forbid contact.


My view has nothing to do with lack of confidence in My sub, rather, it would be a lack of confidence in the previous lover.

Now, if this person were someone I knew and trusted, that might be different or if they were simply play partners.

[pagan switch]

Well, I understand the urge to stay in contact with past play partners, but as a part-time domme, I also understand the need to feel like your sub is yours (unless you have some other arrangement). I think the best thing to do would be for all involved to be in equal contact with said past partners, not just the person who was formerly the sub. Could be informitive for the current dom/me too.

Naturally, that's just what worked for us. May not be the best thing for every couple. YMMV

[Finding_Fantasy]

I can't speak from the dominant side, but I can do so from the submissive side.

I would definitely have a problem with a dominant telling me who I could or could not associate with regardless of my past relationship with them. I would hope that my dominant would have enough trust in me to know that I would keep my relationship with them on a strictly platonic level. I would also hope that he would also be secure enough as well.

Personally, I think it is very wrong to forbid anyone contact with another person because we need other people to socialize with, to talk to, and just plain old have around other than our present partners. Granted, I am not really friends with any of my past boyfriends but that is because all of them ended badly.

If my dominant asked me, not ordered me, not to see someone, and gave me a dmaned good reason for it, then I would consider it. But I would rebel at being ordered...or forbidden as it has been put... to see them.

[GaryWilcox]

Personally, I think it is very wrong to forbid anyone contact with another person because we need other people to socialize with, to talk to, and just plain old have around other than our present partners. Granted, I am not really friends with any of my past boyfriends but that is because all of them ended badly. I totally agree with this.

But!

This is a bit of an impasse. If my sub was constantly bringing up an old dominant and saying, (for example) "Master Bill did it like this", etc., I would definitely listen to that Master Bill guy. After all, only a fool doesn't take good advice.

But continually... I'd be pretty certain that my sub and Master Bill have unfinished business that would be best addressed between the sub and Master Bill. I might even direct her, and drive her to Master Bill's place, and sweetly agree to pack up all of her things and ship them over to Master Bill's.

Hope that adds some perspective. Admittedly, I'm no 24/7 dominant.

[MrJerseyGuy]

As I over analyze...(which I do a lot) I guess I can see both perspectives on this. Noone wants an ex-lover thrown in their face all the time. At the same time, if you are secure in your relationship with your partner...and yes I said partner, not sub, because I'm figuring that this can work both ways, than jealousy should rarely be an issue. I'm assuming jealousy would be the reason for such contact being a problem.

I have the good fortune of being with a great (sexually submissive) girl that I know I don't ever have worry about in the area of "cheating". We were best friends for years before dating and we are very familiar with each others morals in that respect. Its the first relationship I've ever had where I am 100% confident in that area. It's a nice feeling.

In response to the thread...no, I wouldn't have a problem with her having contact with any previous lovers because I trust her implicitly. In my prior relationships I probably would have.

My opinion...in the final analysis it depends on the quality of your relationship. But as I get older I tend to think that if I didn't trust my partner completely, I wouldn't want to be in that relationship anyway.

[slavelucy]

But continually... I'd be pretty certain that my sub and Master Bill have unfinished business that would be best addressed between the sub and Master Bill. I might even direct her, and drive her to Master Bill's place, and sweetly agree to pack up all of her things and ship them over to Master Bill's.

Crikey!! Who is this Master Bill?! What's his phone number?! LOL :D

Joking aside, i agree with what MrJG said, i think it totally depends on the relationship and in that sense is a completely relative, not absolute decision. In terms of the Master Bill example, clearly in this example everything is not as it should be, and that's not wholly the same as someone wanting to retain platonic contact with an ex, i'd say this was pretty much inherant in what both FF and MrJG said.

Having said all that, i think it's natural to sometimes feel a very small amount of jealousy or anxiety - both very negative words, but i dont mean them in a negative sense...i just mean that i don't think someone would be human if the never ever felt the odd twinge of some of the slightly darker sides of human emotion; the trick being to remind oneself of the secure nature of the relationship and not to let it turn a them into a despotic, manipulative monster.

sl

[GaryWilcox]

Crikey!! Who is this Master Bill?! What's his phone number?! I guess he's the same guy Marilyn McCoo sang about in "Marry Me Bill". I think that's the random place I pulled the name.

I have an odd mind.

[sweetplymate]

My opinion...in the final analysis it depends on the quality of your relationship. But as I get older I tend to think that if I didn't trust my partner completely, I wouldn't want to be in that relationship anyway.

i agree 100%. and i think this holds true with ANY relationship...why be in it if you cant or dont trust your partner?

[ValKyrie]

In my experience, there are times when a Dominant and submissive have related so completely in a D/s context, that when revisiting that relationship, it is very easy to slide back into those roles. As such, if my sub were engaging in a relationship such as that, reacting to another woman with respect to her Dominance as opposed to freindship, I would not want there to be further contact.

It has NOTHING to do with trust, rather than the tendency for human beings to establish a pattern of how they interact with others and maintain that pattern even after those elements of the relationship have been removed.

This sort of behavior could feasibly interfere with some of the D/s aspects of our relationship.

Gary, if she is reflecting openly on Master Bill, I am assuming, as it sounds like you are, that there is more to her thinking than just what's meets the eye.

Perhaps, in terms of semantics, "forbid" seems a strong word. However, if I feel it is necessary and healthy for our relationship, I will "forbid" things, including interaction and levels of interaction.

Again, my views should not indicate a lack of trust in my submissive.
However, if he cannot except my directions unconditionally when it is necessary to be so firm, where is his trust in Me?

You cannot throw stones about the issue of trust. If you truly trust your Dominant, then you must trust that there are times when you may not have a choice. Or at least, that is how D/s is interprated and understood in my life. If that is not acceptable to a potential submissive, then they will not be my submissive.

However, in terms of contact with previous lovers and Dommes, if I were to forbid all contact with all previous lovers and Dommes, yes, that would indicate a certain lack of confidence in O/our relationship. On a case by case basis, I am merely suggesting that there may be times when this sort of action might be necessary.

Fortunately, my guy and I have had no problems in this arena, that of trust and language. We do communicate openly and teh likelihood that I would have to forbid contact is slim, because he is more likely to ask Me what I want him to do in said situations and in so doing, be willing to accept and predict My decision.

[Katmandu]

:D giving my opinion here, I would think that, being dominent over another, it comes down to "control".

On 1 level, I would wish to maintain complete control over my sub. Not, if they were in touch with a previous Dom, fall into being submissive to the prior one out of habit. That takes some of my control away, allowing another to influence, for good or ill, the sub I am trying to shape.

On another level, by denying such a contact, it might bring about negative feelings on my subby's part, for taking something that deep within them, away from them. Seems to me, that a good Dom(me) wants to use and enhance and thereby control the subs feelings and thoughts, and if that means allowing them to learn/ build/ remember their past and how they got here, it would just be one more tool for me to accept and learn to use to my advantage.

I know, ambiguous response, but, I guess what I must reiterate is the "control" feature. If I can control my sub through everything and everyone they have interactions with, then I am a success. Perhaps it is a nice growing feature in a relationship, to test it out this way once in a while....

[allalone46]

there is a way I believe that a sub or slave can talk and have contact with a previous Master. As your sub's or slave's current Master you have to make shure that your slave or sub understands that you are the only one who she or he is to except orders, and or comands from, that doesn't meen to show lack of respect, but in all and at all times that the sub or slve is required to do something that he or she will respond only to you.

[MrJerseyGuy]

It has NOTHING to do with trust, rather than the tendency for human beings to establish a pattern of how they interact with others and maintain that pattern even after those elements of the relationship have been removed.



Not to get too philosophic here...but I don't know that I agree with that statement. Pavlov's dogs were creatures of habit, human beings have the ability to reason and make decisions. My beautiful girlfriend comes and goes as she pleases. I trust her completely. But at the same time if I ever found out that she had gone to her ex-husband or ex-boyfriend and spread her legs for him...I'd have a tough time accepting the "pattern of interaction" defense! As far as I'm concerned love and trust go hand in hand...either you have it or you don't.

[Barton]

Trust is a must, but having said that I point out that we are all creatures of habit to some degree. I trust that my gas can is safe and will not blow up, but I would not want to put it next to the fireplace.

Barton