In2kink
08-27-2008, 09:08 AM
As of late I have read a number of posts from new dominants coming into the lifestyle seeking advice on how to get started. I also have read many posts in the submissive forum and have talked to a number of the submissive females who are members here and I have seen some common complaints about how they have been approached by “doms”. This brought to mind this morning, that it might be helpful for me to offer an opinion on what it means to be a dominant in the BDSM community. Yes, it is true that we are all unique and no two dominants are exactly the same. We all have our own personalities, proclivities and styles. But I think we can all find some common ground on the subject of domination and hopefully you might find one or two things that will be helpful if you are a person who has recently discovered being a dominant is for you.
Somehow you discovered this exciting lifestyle. You have thought about it, perhaps fantasized about it, and you have decided that it is for you. That is all well and good and I wish you every success but now it is time to take theory and put it into practice. There is a great difference between wanting to be a dom and being a dom and it is a bit more complicated than one might assume at first blush. There is much more to being a dom than simply giving orders to people and expecting them to carry them out. Anyone with an assertive personality can do that but that alone no more makes one a dom than reading a book on flying a plane makes one a pilot.
Being a dom is not about being bossy. No one gets to tell everyone what to do all the time. This is especially true in the world of BDSM and with respect to submissives. One of the key tenants of BDSM in “consensual”, a part of the safe, sane and consensual principles you may have heard about. Just because a person identifies themselves as a submissive does not mean that they submit to every one who identifies themselves as a dominant. It is their right and choice to choose whom they submit to.
A common mistake that many novice doms are likely to make is in believing that the dynamics of D/s relationships are simple. You are a dom; you see someone who is a sub and it seems that as a dom, it is your right to tell that sub what to do and as a sub, that person owes you obedience and respect. I know that is a common error in thinking because too many times I have read about or had a submissive tell me about meeting a “dom” who right away demanded that they be addressed by an honorific title or even have said something like, “On your knees bitch.” That is completely the wrong way to go about it. The BDSM lifestyle is no different in one respect than any other part of life. If you want respect you must earn respect. It requires a good deal more than stating “I am a dom, worship me!” In fact approaching a submissive in that way will do two things. First, it will earn you the label of “wannabe” and second it will most likely get you ridiculed and laughed at by anyone who has any experience at all in the real dynamics of D/s relationships.
What many novice doms miss is the point that the dynamics of the lifestyle occur within the context of a relationship. The relationship may be a temporary one if it happens to be only a situation where you meet someone that becomes a “play partner” but yet a relationship still exists between the dominant and the submissive because both people have made that choice. Believing that you can tell a submissive what to do before you have established some sort of relationship which gives you that authority is a bit like believing that just because you are a man you can order any woman to have sex with you, because, after all, men have sex with women. Hopefully no one reading this would think that one would fly.
Men do have sex with women and doms do tell subs what to do but not all of the time, not in every situation and certainly not by default. Do not assume for even a moment that simply being a dom grants you any authority or presumption of power over someone who is a submissive. That is as foolish and misguided as assuming that being a man grants you any presumption of sex over someone who is a woman. You may very well be a dominant but that does not mean that any particular submissive wants or is willing to submit to you. No, respect in the BDSM community, like anywhere else must be earned. Being a dom does not confer on you some special entitlement. It is patently offensive to a submissive for a dom to demand that she submit and obey him when no context of a consensual relationship exists. The submissive need only reply, “I have not consented to that” and then they are free to completely ignore you.
Submissives, like all people, are human beings. Whenever you deal with human beings, before you have established any kind of context or relationship, you will find that you have the best success if you treat them as people. I had mentioned respect previously and now I think is a great place to make one further point. If you wish to be respected than you must give respect. Treating people like people means according them respect which is only common courtesy. Successful doms understand that they earn respect when they treat everyone, including submissives with respect and that they have no right to expect a submissive to submit to them until they have established a relationship that entitles them to assume the dominant role with respect to that person.
Another point that might be made has to do with sex. It is true in a general way I think, that women in the lifestyle tend to be more open about and comfortable with their sexuality than many of their vanilla sisters. This however should never be interpreted to mean that female submissives in the lifestyle are promiscuous and easy marks for a man looking to get sex. Many submissives I know personally, who are active in D/s have very high morals, values and principles. In other words they are no different than women you would meet in any other walk of life and you should never presume otherwise.
When someone discovers an interest in BDSM, it can be easy to slip into a fantasy-fulfillment mindset. You have ideas about how you would like to be and what kinds of kink activities you would like to explore. You have fantasies and things you really want to do. It is tempting to slot every submissive you encounter into your own fantasies. But you must never forget that while BDSM is a lot about fantasy it is also a lot about reality. When you stop relating to people as people and start relating to them as fantasy fulfillment objects, you can expect to have problems. When you meet a submissive she might very well want to be dominated, and might even want to be dominated by you but until you find out what that person wants, don't make assumptions. And especially don't make assumptions about what that person wants or needs or about how that person “should” interact with you. We all have the kinks that we find appealing and what you are interested in is not necessarily the same thing that someone else in the lifestyle finds appealing or even meaningful. That is where negotiation and discussion of limits comes in. Those are the most practical and effective ways of finding out if you are compatible with someone else as far as kink interests. Not every submissive wants the same things. Not every submissive interacts with a dominant in the same way.
Finally let me conclude with a word on the power dynamics of a D/s relationship. D/s relationships are power exchange relationships. Power of the one (submissive) is transferred to the other (dominant). You do not automatically get power by being a dom. You do not “take” power from a submissive. A submissive “grants” you that power. It is never yours by right but is given you by a submissive by consent, the basic cornerstone of the principle “consensual” which I mentioned earlier. A wise and psychologically healthy submissive does not submit indescriminately to everyone who calls himself a “dom.” It is up to someone to choose to give you power, not up to you to take it. And you will not likely get it if you walk around demanding that every submissive you see submit to you. To have a successful relationship and an opportunity to express your dominant nature, you must first have a relationship. Any D/s relationship between two people is a relationship first and a D/s relationship second. As with all relationships, there is a need for mutual reciprocity in the relationship. The relationship works for both of you, or it works for nobody. Submissives are submissive because they get something from the experience too. They have things they want to do, things they want to explore. Everyone involved must feel that the relationship meets their needs.
When you do start a D/s relationship with a submissive, remember that it is your responsibility to pay close attention to the submissive. When you are engaged in some BDSM activity, make a point of being conscious at all times about how your submissive is responding to what you are doing. Don't get so carried away that you stop paying attention to the experience from the submissive's point of view. Remember, finding a submissive, and one willing to submit to you is only part of the equation - keeping her means understanding, caring about and meeting her expectations just as you expect her to meet yours. One final word, BDSM is not permission or a license to abuse anyone either physically or mentally. Anyone drawn to the lifestyle because they think this is the case should understand they are not welcomed in our community.
While I do not compare my role as a dom to that of a physician, there is however one similarity I think. Physicians traditionally take what is called the Hippocratic Oath, an oath pertaining to the ethical practice of medicine. One of the key tenants of the oath is “never do harm to anyone”. As a dom I think we share this same responsibility to do no harm. It is a dom’s responsibility to make certain that those submissives we enter into relationships are healthy and capable of entering into the activities we share with them. We should contribute to building their self-esteem and sense of worth.
I know I have written this piece from the perspective of a male dom and female submissives. I have intentionally done so because I am a straight male dom and so that is the perspective I feel most qualified to offer opinions about. It was in no way meant as a slight to female dominants. And actually I think for the most part, what I’ve offered here applies equally to either sex. In conclusion, good luck in your endeavors. I hope you find something here worthy of your consideration that might help you as you begin your journey.
Somehow you discovered this exciting lifestyle. You have thought about it, perhaps fantasized about it, and you have decided that it is for you. That is all well and good and I wish you every success but now it is time to take theory and put it into practice. There is a great difference between wanting to be a dom and being a dom and it is a bit more complicated than one might assume at first blush. There is much more to being a dom than simply giving orders to people and expecting them to carry them out. Anyone with an assertive personality can do that but that alone no more makes one a dom than reading a book on flying a plane makes one a pilot.
Being a dom is not about being bossy. No one gets to tell everyone what to do all the time. This is especially true in the world of BDSM and with respect to submissives. One of the key tenants of BDSM in “consensual”, a part of the safe, sane and consensual principles you may have heard about. Just because a person identifies themselves as a submissive does not mean that they submit to every one who identifies themselves as a dominant. It is their right and choice to choose whom they submit to.
A common mistake that many novice doms are likely to make is in believing that the dynamics of D/s relationships are simple. You are a dom; you see someone who is a sub and it seems that as a dom, it is your right to tell that sub what to do and as a sub, that person owes you obedience and respect. I know that is a common error in thinking because too many times I have read about or had a submissive tell me about meeting a “dom” who right away demanded that they be addressed by an honorific title or even have said something like, “On your knees bitch.” That is completely the wrong way to go about it. The BDSM lifestyle is no different in one respect than any other part of life. If you want respect you must earn respect. It requires a good deal more than stating “I am a dom, worship me!” In fact approaching a submissive in that way will do two things. First, it will earn you the label of “wannabe” and second it will most likely get you ridiculed and laughed at by anyone who has any experience at all in the real dynamics of D/s relationships.
What many novice doms miss is the point that the dynamics of the lifestyle occur within the context of a relationship. The relationship may be a temporary one if it happens to be only a situation where you meet someone that becomes a “play partner” but yet a relationship still exists between the dominant and the submissive because both people have made that choice. Believing that you can tell a submissive what to do before you have established some sort of relationship which gives you that authority is a bit like believing that just because you are a man you can order any woman to have sex with you, because, after all, men have sex with women. Hopefully no one reading this would think that one would fly.
Men do have sex with women and doms do tell subs what to do but not all of the time, not in every situation and certainly not by default. Do not assume for even a moment that simply being a dom grants you any authority or presumption of power over someone who is a submissive. That is as foolish and misguided as assuming that being a man grants you any presumption of sex over someone who is a woman. You may very well be a dominant but that does not mean that any particular submissive wants or is willing to submit to you. No, respect in the BDSM community, like anywhere else must be earned. Being a dom does not confer on you some special entitlement. It is patently offensive to a submissive for a dom to demand that she submit and obey him when no context of a consensual relationship exists. The submissive need only reply, “I have not consented to that” and then they are free to completely ignore you.
Submissives, like all people, are human beings. Whenever you deal with human beings, before you have established any kind of context or relationship, you will find that you have the best success if you treat them as people. I had mentioned respect previously and now I think is a great place to make one further point. If you wish to be respected than you must give respect. Treating people like people means according them respect which is only common courtesy. Successful doms understand that they earn respect when they treat everyone, including submissives with respect and that they have no right to expect a submissive to submit to them until they have established a relationship that entitles them to assume the dominant role with respect to that person.
Another point that might be made has to do with sex. It is true in a general way I think, that women in the lifestyle tend to be more open about and comfortable with their sexuality than many of their vanilla sisters. This however should never be interpreted to mean that female submissives in the lifestyle are promiscuous and easy marks for a man looking to get sex. Many submissives I know personally, who are active in D/s have very high morals, values and principles. In other words they are no different than women you would meet in any other walk of life and you should never presume otherwise.
When someone discovers an interest in BDSM, it can be easy to slip into a fantasy-fulfillment mindset. You have ideas about how you would like to be and what kinds of kink activities you would like to explore. You have fantasies and things you really want to do. It is tempting to slot every submissive you encounter into your own fantasies. But you must never forget that while BDSM is a lot about fantasy it is also a lot about reality. When you stop relating to people as people and start relating to them as fantasy fulfillment objects, you can expect to have problems. When you meet a submissive she might very well want to be dominated, and might even want to be dominated by you but until you find out what that person wants, don't make assumptions. And especially don't make assumptions about what that person wants or needs or about how that person “should” interact with you. We all have the kinks that we find appealing and what you are interested in is not necessarily the same thing that someone else in the lifestyle finds appealing or even meaningful. That is where negotiation and discussion of limits comes in. Those are the most practical and effective ways of finding out if you are compatible with someone else as far as kink interests. Not every submissive wants the same things. Not every submissive interacts with a dominant in the same way.
Finally let me conclude with a word on the power dynamics of a D/s relationship. D/s relationships are power exchange relationships. Power of the one (submissive) is transferred to the other (dominant). You do not automatically get power by being a dom. You do not “take” power from a submissive. A submissive “grants” you that power. It is never yours by right but is given you by a submissive by consent, the basic cornerstone of the principle “consensual” which I mentioned earlier. A wise and psychologically healthy submissive does not submit indescriminately to everyone who calls himself a “dom.” It is up to someone to choose to give you power, not up to you to take it. And you will not likely get it if you walk around demanding that every submissive you see submit to you. To have a successful relationship and an opportunity to express your dominant nature, you must first have a relationship. Any D/s relationship between two people is a relationship first and a D/s relationship second. As with all relationships, there is a need for mutual reciprocity in the relationship. The relationship works for both of you, or it works for nobody. Submissives are submissive because they get something from the experience too. They have things they want to do, things they want to explore. Everyone involved must feel that the relationship meets their needs.
When you do start a D/s relationship with a submissive, remember that it is your responsibility to pay close attention to the submissive. When you are engaged in some BDSM activity, make a point of being conscious at all times about how your submissive is responding to what you are doing. Don't get so carried away that you stop paying attention to the experience from the submissive's point of view. Remember, finding a submissive, and one willing to submit to you is only part of the equation - keeping her means understanding, caring about and meeting her expectations just as you expect her to meet yours. One final word, BDSM is not permission or a license to abuse anyone either physically or mentally. Anyone drawn to the lifestyle because they think this is the case should understand they are not welcomed in our community.
While I do not compare my role as a dom to that of a physician, there is however one similarity I think. Physicians traditionally take what is called the Hippocratic Oath, an oath pertaining to the ethical practice of medicine. One of the key tenants of the oath is “never do harm to anyone”. As a dom I think we share this same responsibility to do no harm. It is a dom’s responsibility to make certain that those submissives we enter into relationships are healthy and capable of entering into the activities we share with them. We should contribute to building their self-esteem and sense of worth.
I know I have written this piece from the perspective of a male dom and female submissives. I have intentionally done so because I am a straight male dom and so that is the perspective I feel most qualified to offer opinions about. It was in no way meant as a slight to female dominants. And actually I think for the most part, what I’ve offered here applies equally to either sex. In conclusion, good luck in your endeavors. I hope you find something here worthy of your consideration that might help you as you begin your journey.